I had a surge of thoughts the last past hour, and I may have lost them all.
Is that heartbreak after depression supposed to last a year? Was I just that much in "that love"? Or is it both? Why is it coming back? How "in love" were divorced couples before they split?
What will happen if Mr. Grim Reaper takes her... I'm guessing since it's a what if, I'm meant to hold on, yet when it happens, it'll be within true logic, which makes it a reality, enabling the lover to move on.
I'll keep my word. My new years resolution are these follows: Avoid caffeine and sugar, and keep my word.
But does it take to not keep my word to become a "success"? America did it. They broke every treaty- they broke what they said on paper. That's worse than orally.
Stand up for what you believe in. I think if I do that, I'll be at a peace of heart. Much better than "success...
If I think it long term... mistakes will repeat. I will not be getting anywhere. I'll be addicted to MS again. So it's for the best. Get my mind off it. Yup. Dammit. Can't.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
merry christmas eve.
Well that "heartbreak" was ephemeral.
So many people are moving up, and I STILL remain stuck on level 1: Identity.
It looks like the only path I can take now, is to become an education major. C'mon I can do this. Don't be intimidated by what others say, and what others have. Think for only myself. I know I have to do something, and this is it. WRAH. I have to register for this test. Get my priorities straight. Don't think of pass faults. Think of how manly I am. Think of my big strong voice. Concentrate on what I have to say, and don't make it automatic.
Why am I playing Maple again? lol. I guess it's fun, and I can be social! I just have to mirror what I do there IRL.
I'm thinking of taking a drama class... maybe that wi'll loosen me up. My first said it did for her, perhaps it'll work for me.
I'm getting my first step done really well. I'm healthy, but I know I can be healthier.
Boo for one in a millionth time, I'm pumped up for life, but it's so late (friggin 4 a.m!).
So many people are moving up, and I STILL remain stuck on level 1: Identity.
It looks like the only path I can take now, is to become an education major. C'mon I can do this. Don't be intimidated by what others say, and what others have. Think for only myself. I know I have to do something, and this is it. WRAH. I have to register for this test. Get my priorities straight. Don't think of pass faults. Think of how manly I am. Think of my big strong voice. Concentrate on what I have to say, and don't make it automatic.
Why am I playing Maple again? lol. I guess it's fun, and I can be social! I just have to mirror what I do there IRL.
I'm thinking of taking a drama class... maybe that wi'll loosen me up. My first said it did for her, perhaps it'll work for me.
I'm getting my first step done really well. I'm healthy, but I know I can be healthier.
Boo for one in a millionth time, I'm pumped up for life, but it's so late (friggin 4 a.m!).
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
...........
can't get depressed now... it took so long for me to lift up... I'm not even completely over being depressed and I'm beginning to fall apart again. more than i was before.
maybe i'm asking for attention.
maybe I need someone.
but whatever it is, i think this means I'm not ready for any relationship if i become like this.
how many more heartbreaks do i need to finally get it?
maybe i'm asking for attention.
maybe I need someone.
but whatever it is, i think this means I'm not ready for any relationship if i become like this.
how many more heartbreaks do i need to finally get it?
what's your most principle defect?
Jealousy. No doubt about it. (wish it was short-fuse though, but I'd be too much like JK) I get jealous fast, it controls my actions and my impulse.
Just an hour and thirty minutes ago I find out she has a BF.
At least it's over and I can move on. Or can't I?
Mann the BF is very toned, has a mustache, AND a beard. WTF.
ANYWAYs, like I knew her. Next semester I can get to know her I guess regardless of that barrier, I did want to come with my mind stressing on the friendship part. Maybe she can teach me about drinking and whatever. But I shouldn't ask her like that straight up because I learned her drinking from a friend who I sent out to scout LOL jk.
one disappointment after another... wtf.
At least JK Rowling would like me I guess because I have morals. And that means a lot.
Just an hour and thirty minutes ago I find out she has a BF.
At least it's over and I can move on. Or can't I?
Mann the BF is very toned, has a mustache, AND a beard. WTF.
ANYWAYs, like I knew her. Next semester I can get to know her I guess regardless of that barrier, I did want to come with my mind stressing on the friendship part. Maybe she can teach me about drinking and whatever. But I shouldn't ask her like that straight up because I learned her drinking from a friend who I sent out to scout LOL jk.
one disappointment after another... wtf.
At least JK Rowling would like me I guess because I have morals. And that means a lot.
dammit!
I didn't have a present for my students. FUUUUU. I know what to get one of them, I don't know what to get the other though.
I didn't see her at all today, and I'm hoping that she's single. I can't find any opening for a connection last time though, maybe she just couldn't hear me and I have to talk louder. GaaaHH this is going to take a lot of work. I'm going to work harder on talking, and communicating and whatever. Most importantly, I have to learn how to relax. Just say what's on my mind right? But I can't make it look to obvious.
<3 Fareast Movement FT Keri Hilson- Don't Look Now
I didn't see her at all today, and I'm hoping that she's single. I can't find any opening for a connection last time though, maybe she just couldn't hear me and I have to talk louder. GaaaHH this is going to take a lot of work. I'm going to work harder on talking, and communicating and whatever. Most importantly, I have to learn how to relax. Just say what's on my mind right? But I can't make it look to obvious.
<3 Fareast Movement FT Keri Hilson- Don't Look Now
Monday, December 13, 2010
trier.
I TALKED TO HER. FATE FATE FATE. But then again, fate is never on my side. WHATEVER. I wonder how old she is. I think she's really old but looks really young the more I'm thinking about it, but it's probably just one of those affects of doubt. And so age shouldn't really matter, but my perspective on how I should act will change according to her age. I need to find the basis to my character, and eliminate, or at least try to eliminate my defects.
Anyways, yeay motivation to play the piano LMAO.
If she is old though, and I'm acting kiddy... sigh. Whatever, gotta be myself somehow. If she doesn't wear make-up tho and all that, dressing nice, and nice fit and everything, I'm a bit worried now, it increases the chance that she's already taken! Hella long awkward silences walking with her though. Need to loosen up, and be whoever I am.
Be her friend. That is all. FRIEND. YUP. A VERY CUTE FRIEND I'LL HAVE. I just have to follow it up, and say hi, and say her name as well to make it personalized. Then I think, how the hell did i make friends? this break I'll practice on my communication skills. I'm so bad, using my friends to gain exp for talking, FOR A GIRL.
One thing that should make me happy today, is that I established a reason to say hi. This is making me exciting to become mature... or whatever. I'll act immature, but I'll take responsibility for whatever happens and I won't complain. I felt like I sounded like an ass when I talked about myself, but oh well, I feel so fake. Why is it so hard to befriend people like that? I'm talking to myself. So, I think it is because of our maturity levels. Her's is much higher, and that's all there is to it. Was it weird for me to ask her how long she's been at this college? I hope its not. Man, first impression sucks. I feel disappointed on myself. She didn't say bye to me, she just left, like she was waiting to leave. Of course, that's how they are if they're with awkward people.
I need courage. I need to feel like I can do something. I need to stop standing still and acting cool when I'm really not. I know what I need to do, and it's to say something, regardless if I'm nervous or not, my nerves will calm down once I start going. I need to be like JK. A trier.
Here's how it went so I won't forget.
I was standing alone. Listening to my music. She passed by behind me to talk to the man behind me. I turned around right away, not thinking, and asking her if she's here to help as well. She smiled, its a really nice one, a bit different than the smile she smiled when she didn't look at me. But it was a smile. Maybe she's not a talker. Or maybe she just doesn't like me. Maybe I'm too awkward to be around. Anyways, I blurted out afterwards, asking if they're both taking piano next year. She said yes.
We were walking to the other center. She was walking fast, ahead of me. I caught up, and we walked together. We talked about the next level of piano, and how it's different than group 1, though I don't remember how that conversation initiated. We walked, we split, we walked, she walked to the other side, I was walking on another side. She was going to follow me, then I change directions like two times. I hope she doesn't hear me as a mumbler. I hope I talk loud enough.
We arrived there, she was eating, I did nothing.
Then we helped.
Then we left.
And that was that.
But we were walking together at one point, so I can say hi to her now without feeling like a stranger.
This made my semester.
Mood: Happy.
Anyways, yeay motivation to play the piano LMAO.
If she is old though, and I'm acting kiddy... sigh. Whatever, gotta be myself somehow. If she doesn't wear make-up tho and all that, dressing nice, and nice fit and everything, I'm a bit worried now, it increases the chance that she's already taken! Hella long awkward silences walking with her though. Need to loosen up, and be whoever I am.
Be her friend. That is all. FRIEND. YUP. A VERY CUTE FRIEND I'LL HAVE. I just have to follow it up, and say hi, and say her name as well to make it personalized. Then I think, how the hell did i make friends? this break I'll practice on my communication skills. I'm so bad, using my friends to gain exp for talking, FOR A GIRL.
One thing that should make me happy today, is that I established a reason to say hi. This is making me exciting to become mature... or whatever. I'll act immature, but I'll take responsibility for whatever happens and I won't complain. I felt like I sounded like an ass when I talked about myself, but oh well, I feel so fake. Why is it so hard to befriend people like that? I'm talking to myself. So, I think it is because of our maturity levels. Her's is much higher, and that's all there is to it. Was it weird for me to ask her how long she's been at this college? I hope its not. Man, first impression sucks. I feel disappointed on myself. She didn't say bye to me, she just left, like she was waiting to leave. Of course, that's how they are if they're with awkward people.
I need courage. I need to feel like I can do something. I need to stop standing still and acting cool when I'm really not. I know what I need to do, and it's to say something, regardless if I'm nervous or not, my nerves will calm down once I start going. I need to be like JK. A trier.
Here's how it went so I won't forget.
I was standing alone. Listening to my music. She passed by behind me to talk to the man behind me. I turned around right away, not thinking, and asking her if she's here to help as well. She smiled, its a really nice one, a bit different than the smile she smiled when she didn't look at me. But it was a smile. Maybe she's not a talker. Or maybe she just doesn't like me. Maybe I'm too awkward to be around. Anyways, I blurted out afterwards, asking if they're both taking piano next year. She said yes.
We were walking to the other center. She was walking fast, ahead of me. I caught up, and we walked together. We talked about the next level of piano, and how it's different than group 1, though I don't remember how that conversation initiated. We walked, we split, we walked, she walked to the other side, I was walking on another side. She was going to follow me, then I change directions like two times. I hope she doesn't hear me as a mumbler. I hope I talk loud enough.
We arrived there, she was eating, I did nothing.
Then we helped.
Then we left.
And that was that.
But we were walking together at one point, so I can say hi to her now without feeling like a stranger.
This made my semester.
Mood: Happy.
Friday, December 10, 2010
this just in.
SHE LIKES TALKING TO OLD PEOPLE. WTF she is perfect, but I missed all my chances LOL. SHE WAS WALKING ALONE THE WHOLE SCHOOL YEAR.
DAMNIT!! Next time... I can only hope that she's in one of my classes again.
DAMNIT!! Next time... I can only hope that she's in one of my classes again.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
It's just me trying to be funny and entertaining. I'm not like this, I can do better. JK is right, it is all courage. My will to survive is just too strong, I can't kill myself if I tried because I've tried before. There's just so much stuff behind me that I can't move on too far from them. If I'm going to live, I have to live the way I want to.
1. Healthy
2. Courage
3. Draw inspiration
4. Set goals, little by little.
5. Enjoy, laugh, relax.
1. Healthy
2. Courage
3. Draw inspiration
4. Set goals, little by little.
5. Enjoy, laugh, relax.
she walks too fast.
So my friend was here today as well, BUT SHE WAS PACKING TOO SLOW. It's my fault though because I didn't tell her to hurry up. Anyways, I walked ahead of my friend to catch up to CPG. SHE WAS POPPING GREEN FROM BLACK. <3 her fashion LOL. But she was walking... ALONE. And I was walking... ALONE AS WELL. But she was walking too fast, I was hesitating a bit hoping my friend could catch up to me but of course that was up to no avail. So, CPG walked ahead, and I was left behind. HMPH. SHE IS SO FRIGGIN CUTE. and I missed my opportunity YET AGAIN. I HAVE NO COURAGE- omfg the sorting hat would definitely NOT PUT ME IN GRYFFINDOR.
Hopefully she takes the same class with me next semester >< speaking of next semester, Ravel: Pavane pour une infante défunte; ♫ Fauré: Pavane, op 50 #listeningto In a mood for pavanes is tweeted by SARAH ALAINN, and I'll do those for my next listening paper I guess lol
Hopefully she takes the same class with me next semester >< speaking of next semester, Ravel: Pavane pour une infante défunte; ♫ Fauré: Pavane, op 50 #listeningto In a mood for pavanes is tweeted by SARAH ALAINN, and I'll do those for my next listening paper I guess lol
Sunday, December 5, 2010
courage.
^ that's what I'm missing...
but when I do something I would call courageous, my mind goes blank, can't think when I'm trying to be courageous lol.
How does courage relate to will-power?
How come my mood fluctuates? How does critical thinking help me with that?!?!?! Motivation motivation motivation.
but when I do something I would call courageous, my mind goes blank, can't think when I'm trying to be courageous lol.
How does courage relate to will-power?
How come my mood fluctuates? How does critical thinking help me with that?!?!?! Motivation motivation motivation.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
this sucks.
So it has been about almost four months since I crushed on her. And now it has been almost three months since I planned on saying hi to her. And now, the semester is closing in, two weeks left, and one week left of seeing her in my class. I lost all my chances, and now the only time when I'll say hi is when I am very nervous because final exams are coming up. It is going to be either a hi and look really dumb or no hi at all, and we will part ways. There might be a chance that she will end up in a class of mine next semester but the chances are extremely slim. So, #$#$#@!!!
I fail so bad ):
Not like I knew her, but I missed my chance to know her. From the outside in a superficial view, I can conclude that she saves money (like no make up, wears the same outfits), dresses nice (nice color coordination, not sure about today though, gray top plus open brown hoodie, but I only glanced for like a second then turned my head really fast so it probably looked nice if I stared longer lol), hard worker (she gets stressed and overwhelmed), good talker, nice smile, KLSJDF:LJS WHYYYY DID I MISS THIS CHANCE. What if she was like, THE ONE. But then again, I didn't feel ready because I get emo at random times and my character isn't consistent, and all these negative things about me which are TRUE. But then again, I will NEVER feel ready, and I know that I never will because I am always seeking self improvement, and seeking this is beyond a life time (stupid but this is how I roll!) DAMMIT T______T
The day I was waiting for, was this concert my class is working on. I was hoping to talk to her, but today I over heard her talking to the teacher saying she can not make it. And that was when I fell apart completely.
Depressing day. I need to practice talking somehow. I am only good at talking to kids, and people who I disagree with (but they end up agreeing with me, so it is like ARGH)
Anyways, my medicine was music which was good. Techno fast beat music.
-
I finished Deathly Hallows. And THERE WAS AN UNREQUITED LOVE PART LOL. But it was not with Voldemort. Frggin Lily and Snape. I laughed so hard when Ron told Harry that he spoke in Parseltongue. I could picture Ron hissing randomly. Kreacher is so awesome. The book seemed so short, and I miss Hogwarts, as in Harry and friends going to class and such. But I guess it was a nice way of changing, showing that we students are not in school forever, we move on, on the run! Arianna Dumbledore reminded me of some dark Pokemon who couldn't control her own power. Forgot which Pokemon it was though that did something similar. Or maybe it is Gohan and I am thinking Dragon Ball Z.
Watched the Order of the Phoenix movie. THEY DID NOT HAVE THE SCENE where I cried, when Harry breaks the mirror. Sigh.
edit: watched JK Rowlings a year in her life, yeay I got one thing right in that her depression inspired dementers!
I fail so bad ):
Not like I knew her, but I missed my chance to know her. From the outside in a superficial view, I can conclude that she saves money (like no make up, wears the same outfits), dresses nice (nice color coordination, not sure about today though, gray top plus open brown hoodie, but I only glanced for like a second then turned my head really fast so it probably looked nice if I stared longer lol), hard worker (she gets stressed and overwhelmed), good talker, nice smile, KLSJDF:LJS WHYYYY DID I MISS THIS CHANCE. What if she was like, THE ONE. But then again, I didn't feel ready because I get emo at random times and my character isn't consistent, and all these negative things about me which are TRUE. But then again, I will NEVER feel ready, and I know that I never will because I am always seeking self improvement, and seeking this is beyond a life time (stupid but this is how I roll!) DAMMIT T______T
The day I was waiting for, was this concert my class is working on. I was hoping to talk to her, but today I over heard her talking to the teacher saying she can not make it. And that was when I fell apart completely.
Depressing day. I need to practice talking somehow. I am only good at talking to kids, and people who I disagree with (but they end up agreeing with me, so it is like ARGH)
Anyways, my medicine was music which was good. Techno fast beat music.
-
I finished Deathly Hallows. And THERE WAS AN UNREQUITED LOVE PART LOL. But it was not with Voldemort. Frggin Lily and Snape. I laughed so hard when Ron told Harry that he spoke in Parseltongue. I could picture Ron hissing randomly. Kreacher is so awesome. The book seemed so short, and I miss Hogwarts, as in Harry and friends going to class and such. But I guess it was a nice way of changing, showing that we students are not in school forever, we move on, on the run! Arianna Dumbledore reminded me of some dark Pokemon who couldn't control her own power. Forgot which Pokemon it was though that did something similar. Or maybe it is Gohan and I am thinking Dragon Ball Z.
Watched the Order of the Phoenix movie. THEY DID NOT HAVE THE SCENE where I cried, when Harry breaks the mirror. Sigh.
edit: watched JK Rowlings a year in her life, yeay I got one thing right in that her depression inspired dementers!
Monday, November 29, 2010
NBA 2011 playoffs
I think...
WESTERN DIVISION
1st seed- LA Lakers
2nd- San Antonio Spurs
3rd- Dallas Mavericks
4th- OKC Thunder
5th- Utah Jazz
6th- Denver Nuggets
7th- Houston Rockets
8th- New Orleans Hornets
EASTERN DIVISION
1st- Boston Celtics
2nd- Chicago Bulls
3rd- Miami Heat
4th- Orlando Magic
5th- Atlanta Hawks
6th- Indiana Pacers
7th- Milwaukee Bucks
8th- New York Knicks
WESTERN DIVISION
1st seed- LA Lakers
2nd- San Antonio Spurs
3rd- Dallas Mavericks
4th- OKC Thunder
5th- Utah Jazz
6th- Denver Nuggets
7th- Houston Rockets
8th- New Orleans Hornets
EASTERN DIVISION
1st- Boston Celtics
2nd- Chicago Bulls
3rd- Miami Heat
4th- Orlando Magic
5th- Atlanta Hawks
6th- Indiana Pacers
7th- Milwaukee Bucks
8th- New York Knicks
Sunday, November 28, 2010
knew what was coming...
but still felt it anyway. Harry keeping Dumbledore's word even tho he's dead... so touching!
And the whole Merope story and all, Merope sounds so attractive IMO lol. If there was a picture of Merope, I have dibbs on that she looks like MIR from Ar Tonelico (the first one).
It felt so gloomy though- the whole story, and I heard To Zanarkand play in my head reading through (I did to the other books as well) because I know who dies in the end. Its like viewing an old home video. With sad piano songs playing in my head. It felt so black and white.
Wish it showed some kind of unrequited love of Voldemort, or some kind of love for Voldemort. But that would make it too much like a movie I guess, maybe so many stories of something like that are out there already. Oh wells. kajs;ldfj! gonna start 7.
Anyways, bookstores and libraries can save money by not using "Romance" name tags. Just put them under "Fiction"!
And the whole Merope story and all, Merope sounds so attractive IMO lol. If there was a picture of Merope, I have dibbs on that she looks like MIR from Ar Tonelico (the first one).
It felt so gloomy though- the whole story, and I heard To Zanarkand play in my head reading through (I did to the other books as well) because I know who dies in the end. Its like viewing an old home video. With sad piano songs playing in my head. It felt so black and white.
Wish it showed some kind of unrequited love of Voldemort, or some kind of love for Voldemort. But that would make it too much like a movie I guess, maybe so many stories of something like that are out there already. Oh wells. kajs;ldfj! gonna start 7.
Anyways, bookstores and libraries can save money by not using "Romance" name tags. Just put them under "Fiction"!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
half blood prince...
recording stuff ^^
-Obsessive love. Yup, I concur with Professor Slughorn, it's very powerful so far. Maybe that's what you call true love. When both people are obsessive about it, it can last forever lol
-"it was like having friends"- Luna Lovegood. I think I talk like her lol, saying stuff like "I miss the DA, it was like having friends." Except, I miss JSA, it was like having friends. I miss all of high school actually. The only thing coming close now is Reading Partners and walking this one friend IF she comes to class but she usually oversleeps.
-Obsessive love. Yup, I concur with Professor Slughorn, it's very powerful so far. Maybe that's what you call true love. When both people are obsessive about it, it can last forever lol
-"it was like having friends"- Luna Lovegood. I think I talk like her lol, saying stuff like "I miss the DA, it was like having friends." Except, I miss JSA, it was like having friends. I miss all of high school actually. The only thing coming close now is Reading Partners and walking this one friend IF she comes to class but she usually oversleeps.
Friday, November 26, 2010
jdkfajsdj harry pottter
indifference hurts more than dislike?!?!?! aksdjfjslfjharrypottr!
reading what was cut... omfg, they cut out the most vivid scenes in the book that I imagined from the movie. WTF, I wanted to see my imagination come to life, not some made up shortened shit. WTF.
things I learned:
Mind reading. Yup, you can't read it, even if you can read it. The mind is much more complex. So, I'll never use that term, "MIND READING" ever again! Or maybe I took the "reading" part of "mind reading" too literally lol
Occlumency. Clearing out my mind might be good.
And something real... Fred and George doing good in business, + not learning much in school. It's true, good business ppl don't learn how to be a good business man in school.
What else what else, there was much more but I forgot. Definitely going to remember McGonnagall she is so friggin awesome. I think I was like Luna Lovegood in school... except I didn't go up to ppl and talk lol kJDS:LFJS Half Blood Prince time WTF.
and I read the Giving Tree for the second time, thought of something funny when the boy was with his GF or w/e behind the tree. So, it's a love triangle in the book, the Giving Tree. The tree loves the boy, the girl loves the tree, the boy loves the girl but has been neglecting the tree. All three characters were lying down behind the tree. AND, so the funny thingie I thought of is that they're having a TREEsome. lololol. funnier if I can find a pic and post it.
reading what was cut... omfg, they cut out the most vivid scenes in the book that I imagined from the movie. WTF, I wanted to see my imagination come to life, not some made up shortened shit. WTF.
things I learned:
Mind reading. Yup, you can't read it, even if you can read it. The mind is much more complex. So, I'll never use that term, "MIND READING" ever again! Or maybe I took the "reading" part of "mind reading" too literally lol
Occlumency. Clearing out my mind might be good.
And something real... Fred and George doing good in business, + not learning much in school. It's true, good business ppl don't learn how to be a good business man in school.
What else what else, there was much more but I forgot. Definitely going to remember McGonnagall she is so friggin awesome. I think I was like Luna Lovegood in school... except I didn't go up to ppl and talk lol kJDS:LFJS Half Blood Prince time WTF.
and I read the Giving Tree for the second time, thought of something funny when the boy was with his GF or w/e behind the tree. So, it's a love triangle in the book, the Giving Tree. The tree loves the boy, the girl loves the tree, the boy loves the girl but has been neglecting the tree. All three characters were lying down behind the tree. AND, so the funny thingie I thought of is that they're having a TREEsome. lololol. funnier if I can find a pic and post it.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
dat decision.
So I don't think being a teacher is a bad first choice, I mean I can always change careers if I don't like it, and I feel that I'm more closer to being a teacher than ever, so why don't I go for it? lol GEEZ I'm making things harder for myself and everyone else.
Reading Order of the Penix. OMFG so funny how Cho Chang walked into Harry with losers. And I'm hating Umbridge too, JK Rowling is too good. Such a good book so far, I can't believe how much stuff I just passed while reading this six years ago... did I really truly enjoy it back then?
Waiting for Chicago's game... boo Lakers!
Wish I didn't judge people, but it can't be helped I guess. I could never feel good without comparing myself to others in some ways, so it's such an awkward perspective to look at me from, my judgments are feelings and it's intertwined with how I bring myself up, and WTF I'm feeling so contradictory right now, time to just laugh it off... bleh whatever!
Random thought: Is life so much more exciting when ur emotional?
Reading Order of the Penix. OMFG so funny how Cho Chang walked into Harry with losers. And I'm hating Umbridge too, JK Rowling is too good. Such a good book so far, I can't believe how much stuff I just passed while reading this six years ago... did I really truly enjoy it back then?
Waiting for Chicago's game... boo Lakers!
Wish I didn't judge people, but it can't be helped I guess. I could never feel good without comparing myself to others in some ways, so it's such an awkward perspective to look at me from, my judgments are feelings and it's intertwined with how I bring myself up, and WTF I'm feeling so contradictory right now, time to just laugh it off... bleh whatever!
Random thought: Is life so much more exciting when ur emotional?
Monday, November 22, 2010
last minute homework. literally.
I'm so happy that I finished my homework!
But this is my last time to finish it like this. Every. Single. Day. I calculate how long it will take me to finish my homework. I calculated... about 10-20 minutes. I woke up extra early to finish early just in case I miscalculated. It is due at 9:00. I wake up at 5:00. I procrastinate until 8:40, so I have exactly 20 minutes to finish it. Procrastinating in between, browsing Soompi, wordpresss, Xanga, finding out how she's doing, etc. So, I never have the chance to show my full potential on my assignments! It'll end now, I'm going to start as soon as I get home, right after the Boston Celtic's game.
So I can have more time to do the things I want to do, and not feel bad about it knowing that I still have homework.
This problem should have been solved years ago.
And but at least I get that end spark to finish it. But it's not enough, I still feel that I could do better lol
Class in 10 minutes.
But this is my last time to finish it like this. Every. Single. Day. I calculate how long it will take me to finish my homework. I calculated... about 10-20 minutes. I woke up extra early to finish early just in case I miscalculated. It is due at 9:00. I wake up at 5:00. I procrastinate until 8:40, so I have exactly 20 minutes to finish it. Procrastinating in between, browsing Soompi, wordpresss, Xanga, finding out how she's doing, etc. So, I never have the chance to show my full potential on my assignments! It'll end now, I'm going to start as soon as I get home, right after the Boston Celtic's game.
So I can have more time to do the things I want to do, and not feel bad about it knowing that I still have homework.
This problem should have been solved years ago.
And but at least I get that end spark to finish it. But it's not enough, I still feel that I could do better lol
Class in 10 minutes.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
finished Goblet of Fire~
Things to remember:
-Hagrid's uplifting. From sulking, to doing what he wants.
-Dumbledore's truth telling, treating students equal to adults.
... such a good book. So excited to start Order of the Phoenix again, but I have homework lol.
I'm wondering... if this Ogg was gamekeeper while Mrs. Weasley was in Hogwarts, how old would she be? Is Hagrid over 60? I'm confused or lost... Hagrid wasn't gamekeeper when she was in Hogwarts? How old is she... anyways.
Random words from the book (possibly) echo out of my head even though I'm not reading. This happened when I stood up, when I walked down the stairs, when my mom was talking to me, and when I sliced a piece of browie onto my saucer. I wonder if this happens to anyone else? This isn't the only time it happened to me, but it happened to me after I finished Harry Potter Book 7 2 years ago... it happens even when I'm taking a break from the process of reading it.
EDIT: looked at pictures of the movie. WTF VICTOR KRUM IS BALLED? Or buzzed cut w/e you call it.. lol, always pictured him of a younger looking Ludo Bagman, with shaggy hair like Sirius's.
-Hagrid's uplifting. From sulking, to doing what he wants.
-Dumbledore's truth telling, treating students equal to adults.
... such a good book. So excited to start Order of the Phoenix again, but I have homework lol.
I'm wondering... if this Ogg was gamekeeper while Mrs. Weasley was in Hogwarts, how old would she be? Is Hagrid over 60? I'm confused or lost... Hagrid wasn't gamekeeper when she was in Hogwarts? How old is she... anyways.
Random words from the book (possibly) echo out of my head even though I'm not reading. This happened when I stood up, when I walked down the stairs, when my mom was talking to me, and when I sliced a piece of browie onto my saucer. I wonder if this happens to anyone else? This isn't the only time it happened to me, but it happened to me after I finished Harry Potter Book 7 2 years ago... it happens even when I'm taking a break from the process of reading it.
EDIT: looked at pictures of the movie. WTF VICTOR KRUM IS BALLED? Or buzzed cut w/e you call it.. lol, always pictured him of a younger looking Ludo Bagman, with shaggy hair like Sirius's.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
hobby updates.
Finished Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban on Thursday. People who die still exist in our hearts. It's just like Professor Layton and the Eternal Diva. This also made me think of what my Patronus would be, after seeing Harry think of his deceased father James, and his relations to the stag form emitting from the wand from the EXPECTO PATRONUM... I'm thinking mine would be some kind of Pokemon lol.
JK Rowling's creation of the dementors must have really affected her life, the depression and that melancholic eternal feeling seeping out of nowhere, not knowing where it's coming from... is like what really happens to depressed people. Sucking out all happiness and positivity. Thinking of the worse times to EVER happen in life. Scary. I guess the only thing worse than the worse thing to happen in a person's life is a feeling worse than that feeling. And even trying to think of happy thoughts won't help unless something happens, a spontaneous heart spasm. I don't like what the movie did to my version of Lupin though. Back when I read this book in 1999... or was it 2000... anyways, I pictured him looking a bit like Sirius Black (the book Sirius Black) with shaggy hair, but more of like a doctor, with glasses and a headlight.
Started Goblet of Fire on Thursday as well. I won that book 10 years ago in a Scholastic sweepstakes lol. I was 1 of 5000 people who received the book by mail the day before it came out!
I haven't been playing any RPGs. Only game I have been playing is ITG, and DDR Extreme. I keep passing A with an above E record, except I can't beat my E record. It's very frustrating because I don't like seeing that E in the song selection menu. My Bs and Cs can't top that E. Sigh, but I will keep trying! I finally passed 9 footer Touch Me on ITG with a 50% though. I feel like playing Chrono Cross again. I forgot all of which characters I have left to recruit. I know I have to get Mel, and take the Pierre path though because I need Pierre. But for some odd reason I feel that I'm missing a few other characters. Might be Razzly. Wish I didn't save over my file. Oh well. Maybe I pulsed it on Xanga.
Oklahoma beat Boston without KD in Boston. I found myself cheering for Boston throughout the game. I guess Boston is really my favorite team. I watch all their games even if they're playing a low standing team.
mm I smell a peculiar blend emitting from downstairs. Coffee? And it smells good. Oh it's oatmeal... must make sure. EDIT: IT IS COFFEE!! an expensive brand, 8'oclock coffee... + French Vanilla omg! It's from my uncle Ralph... miss him.
JK Rowling's creation of the dementors must have really affected her life, the depression and that melancholic eternal feeling seeping out of nowhere, not knowing where it's coming from... is like what really happens to depressed people. Sucking out all happiness and positivity. Thinking of the worse times to EVER happen in life. Scary. I guess the only thing worse than the worse thing to happen in a person's life is a feeling worse than that feeling. And even trying to think of happy thoughts won't help unless something happens, a spontaneous heart spasm. I don't like what the movie did to my version of Lupin though. Back when I read this book in 1999... or was it 2000... anyways, I pictured him looking a bit like Sirius Black (the book Sirius Black) with shaggy hair, but more of like a doctor, with glasses and a headlight.
Started Goblet of Fire on Thursday as well. I won that book 10 years ago in a Scholastic sweepstakes lol. I was 1 of 5000 people who received the book by mail the day before it came out!
I haven't been playing any RPGs. Only game I have been playing is ITG, and DDR Extreme. I keep passing A with an above E record, except I can't beat my E record. It's very frustrating because I don't like seeing that E in the song selection menu. My Bs and Cs can't top that E. Sigh, but I will keep trying! I finally passed 9 footer Touch Me on ITG with a 50% though. I feel like playing Chrono Cross again. I forgot all of which characters I have left to recruit. I know I have to get Mel, and take the Pierre path though because I need Pierre. But for some odd reason I feel that I'm missing a few other characters. Might be Razzly. Wish I didn't save over my file. Oh well. Maybe I pulsed it on Xanga.
Oklahoma beat Boston without KD in Boston. I found myself cheering for Boston throughout the game. I guess Boston is really my favorite team. I watch all their games even if they're playing a low standing team.
mm I smell a peculiar blend emitting from downstairs. Coffee? And it smells good. Oh it's oatmeal... must make sure. EDIT: IT IS COFFEE!! an expensive brand, 8'oclock coffee... + French Vanilla omg! It's from my uncle Ralph... miss him.
Monday, November 15, 2010
that love.
As I was pacing twenty steps from the family room back to the formal living room as another form of my procrastination routines, I reflect back on my lessons with the two students I have been teaching.
I think I'm doing fairly well, as it was my fourth time, except that I need to think of strategies to get the students concentrated. Maybe I need to help myself be focused on concentration before I tell other people to. I'm too into being liked by my students, and so I get distracted as well. Student number 1 was playing with a set of rubber bands and I have left my post and starting showing him how to form Batmobiles. In addition to that, these rubber bands were shaped as animals, and along with him, we deciphered which animal the rubber bands were shaped as. In the end, he gave me an elephant.
Anyways, it's not my teaching ways and distractions that I have been pondering in my pacing, but it was about the book we read. The Giving Tree. My student had a paper to do, and a questioned ask was along the lines of what the author's message is, and another one is, what have you learned from it? We both worked and came to the conclusion that love lasts forever. My heart drenched like the porcupine-like-monster being crushed in Donkey Kong Country 2's Castle Crush stage. Not because of how big his handwriting was (bigger than the space provided, so when he thought he finished writing all he wanted to say, the little space left had to be written extremely smaller) I knew very well that the love I know of doesn't last forever.
I think back to my cousin. He was dating three women at the time, one to be his future wife, and currently is. While riding with him, we somehow landed in a conversation of this cloth figurine, about as big as a Harry Potter book, very soft and fine crafted.
It was a figure of a character he liked from a show. I remember that he has had this for awhile, and years back he would talk about how his friend made this for him, and how they're trying to get celebrities to wear it to popularize this fine piece of craft for a good business. I don't know what these cloth figurines are called, but it sits in my cousin's car, even now, dangling on the rear view mirror. Its been 4 years since I know he was in contact with the creator of it, and it might have been even longer.
They were close. They slept together. But they weren't in a relationship. They were dating, and he was dating with a few others as well. Dating is just getting to know someone. As we kept talking we somehow landed in how he met his wife. He was seeing two other women, and one of the other woman happened to be the threader of his cloth figurine. He said that it was easy to drift apart from the women he was dating, except, this one. I remember him saying "the one who made (touches cloth figurine) this." "She had genuine feelings for me, so it was hard for her." Or, something along the lines of that. I held back my tears. I had just felt that feeling of hope, that the love I thought did last forever, but the reality hit, and it doesn't. I have just went to a similar rejection that I'll never forget, May 8, 2010.
That finely crafted doll swaying side to side hung up around his rear view mirror was created out of her love. He didn't have feelings for her. She was rejected. Maybe she did love him so much. He didn't reciprocate.
I don't know how long it has been since she was rejected, but hearing that right before his wedding (I was riding with him to his wedding rehearsal) led me tighter into my dark corner. He wasn't marrying her. He wasn't marrying the one who sew that doll for him, but another women he met later on who he felt a sense of seriousness towards.
I don't know what I'm getting at anymore, but just felt like adding this to my blog chronicle.
Another thought that crossed, was my first experience of thinking suicidal. It goes back to fourth grade, the grade my students are in. My mind slowly matures, so I'm pretty sure these students are way ahead of the mentality I had when I was in fourth grade. Back then, I would think that there were different levels in thinking and acting, and the best ones would think exactly alike, and the poor brain holders thinking the same as how the best thinkers thought of like before they became the best thinkers. But its not like that, it's all about experiences I assume.
It was in Ms. Cook's class. SSR has started, all the students were scrambling to the sink, walking around, but I knew very well that I had to pick up a book. I was the only one reading. My teacher was caught up in a frenzy. She was giving the class a lecture. I felt good, because I was the only one doing what I was supposed to do, though she did not point that out to the rest of my classmates. I was reading and reading, and she was lecturing and lecturing, and after about 5 minutes in the students started their SSR. I was done with my book. I raised my hand to get another book, and my teacher, in a serious tone, said no. I was supposed to get a book in the beginning of SSR. She was in a bad mood. And right after she said that, I teared up. I cried. I thought of suicide. I thought about what would they all think and say if I was dead? I started to cry myself, thinking of myself dead, and thinking what my parents and my teacher would think of if I was dead. Every time I was scolded, even for little things, I would cry. And just for not being able to stand up from my seat and walk up to the bookshelf to grab a book, I cried.
About five minutes into my tearing up phase, the teacher apologized. My memory is fuzzy after the apology. But I'll always have that memory as my first thought of suicide.
Okay, I really have to focus on my essay now. I have a couple of writing papers actually, and I plan on not sleeping tonight... hopefully I'll have the time to do them all. I want dark circles in my eyes, because I think they're cool to have. And I can flaunt to my neighbor that I haven't slept for 28 hours (she always says that she oversleeps and says that she has so much work to do that she can't come to class because she overslept, so I'll flaunt my 28 hours of strained eyes to her in class tomorrow)
PS I think I gained a pound, too much pizza today. NOH lost, wish they got 9 wins first and then lose so the standings would show that they have more wins than the Lakers. okay, back to pacing.
I think I'm doing fairly well, as it was my fourth time, except that I need to think of strategies to get the students concentrated. Maybe I need to help myself be focused on concentration before I tell other people to. I'm too into being liked by my students, and so I get distracted as well. Student number 1 was playing with a set of rubber bands and I have left my post and starting showing him how to form Batmobiles. In addition to that, these rubber bands were shaped as animals, and along with him, we deciphered which animal the rubber bands were shaped as. In the end, he gave me an elephant.
Anyways, it's not my teaching ways and distractions that I have been pondering in my pacing, but it was about the book we read. The Giving Tree. My student had a paper to do, and a questioned ask was along the lines of what the author's message is, and another one is, what have you learned from it? We both worked and came to the conclusion that love lasts forever. My heart drenched like the porcupine-like-monster being crushed in Donkey Kong Country 2's Castle Crush stage. Not because of how big his handwriting was (bigger than the space provided, so when he thought he finished writing all he wanted to say, the little space left had to be written extremely smaller) I knew very well that the love I know of doesn't last forever.
I think back to my cousin. He was dating three women at the time, one to be his future wife, and currently is. While riding with him, we somehow landed in a conversation of this cloth figurine, about as big as a Harry Potter book, very soft and fine crafted.
It was a figure of a character he liked from a show. I remember that he has had this for awhile, and years back he would talk about how his friend made this for him, and how they're trying to get celebrities to wear it to popularize this fine piece of craft for a good business. I don't know what these cloth figurines are called, but it sits in my cousin's car, even now, dangling on the rear view mirror. Its been 4 years since I know he was in contact with the creator of it, and it might have been even longer.
They were close. They slept together. But they weren't in a relationship. They were dating, and he was dating with a few others as well. Dating is just getting to know someone. As we kept talking we somehow landed in how he met his wife. He was seeing two other women, and one of the other woman happened to be the threader of his cloth figurine. He said that it was easy to drift apart from the women he was dating, except, this one. I remember him saying "the one who made (touches cloth figurine) this." "She had genuine feelings for me, so it was hard for her." Or, something along the lines of that. I held back my tears. I had just felt that feeling of hope, that the love I thought did last forever, but the reality hit, and it doesn't. I have just went to a similar rejection that I'll never forget, May 8, 2010.
That finely crafted doll swaying side to side hung up around his rear view mirror was created out of her love. He didn't have feelings for her. She was rejected. Maybe she did love him so much. He didn't reciprocate.
I don't know how long it has been since she was rejected, but hearing that right before his wedding (I was riding with him to his wedding rehearsal) led me tighter into my dark corner. He wasn't marrying her. He wasn't marrying the one who sew that doll for him, but another women he met later on who he felt a sense of seriousness towards.
I don't know what I'm getting at anymore, but just felt like adding this to my blog chronicle.
***
Another thought that crossed, was my first experience of thinking suicidal. It goes back to fourth grade, the grade my students are in. My mind slowly matures, so I'm pretty sure these students are way ahead of the mentality I had when I was in fourth grade. Back then, I would think that there were different levels in thinking and acting, and the best ones would think exactly alike, and the poor brain holders thinking the same as how the best thinkers thought of like before they became the best thinkers. But its not like that, it's all about experiences I assume.
It was in Ms. Cook's class. SSR has started, all the students were scrambling to the sink, walking around, but I knew very well that I had to pick up a book. I was the only one reading. My teacher was caught up in a frenzy. She was giving the class a lecture. I felt good, because I was the only one doing what I was supposed to do, though she did not point that out to the rest of my classmates. I was reading and reading, and she was lecturing and lecturing, and after about 5 minutes in the students started their SSR. I was done with my book. I raised my hand to get another book, and my teacher, in a serious tone, said no. I was supposed to get a book in the beginning of SSR. She was in a bad mood. And right after she said that, I teared up. I cried. I thought of suicide. I thought about what would they all think and say if I was dead? I started to cry myself, thinking of myself dead, and thinking what my parents and my teacher would think of if I was dead. Every time I was scolded, even for little things, I would cry. And just for not being able to stand up from my seat and walk up to the bookshelf to grab a book, I cried.
About five minutes into my tearing up phase, the teacher apologized. My memory is fuzzy after the apology. But I'll always have that memory as my first thought of suicide.
***
Okay, I really have to focus on my essay now. I have a couple of writing papers actually, and I plan on not sleeping tonight... hopefully I'll have the time to do them all. I want dark circles in my eyes, because I think they're cool to have. And I can flaunt to my neighbor that I haven't slept for 28 hours (she always says that she oversleeps and says that she has so much work to do that she can't come to class because she overslept, so I'll flaunt my 28 hours of strained eyes to her in class tomorrow)
PS I think I gained a pound, too much pizza today. NOH lost, wish they got 9 wins first and then lose so the standings would show that they have more wins than the Lakers. okay, back to pacing.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
reread chamber of secrets!
I'm getting into the HP series again, after not reading them for over five years I have just finished the Chamber of Secrets. Flashback to when I was in 4th grade. I just read it. I wanted to read, and finish it. Fast.
In seventh grade, I read it again, and understood it for the story and everything and couldn't put it down. And now, six years later, I hung on to every word, I'm seeing how fine crafted the sentences are structured and the humor, and I'm lovin it more than ever.
...and I just realized that in the back of the book jacket, that girl is GINNY, and not Hermione. How did I always think that it was Hermione?!?!
Even though I knew what was going to happen, I still felt a jolt when I read Harry and Ron eavesdropping and hearing Prof McGonnagall say it was Ginny that was taken to the Chamber. And I nearly cried after reading what Tom Riddle said about what Ginny was going through, with her crush on Harry. She was so quiet! And listening, er reading, to Dumbledore's advice, about how it's our choices that determines something something and not our abilities; I'm truly taking this in as a piece of painting in this art museum mind, because I know it'll be useful for me in life (even though I know life is all about decisions from my cousin's advice already, this confirms it further).
I'm excited to read Azkaban next!
In seventh grade, I read it again, and understood it for the story and everything and couldn't put it down. And now, six years later, I hung on to every word, I'm seeing how fine crafted the sentences are structured and the humor, and I'm lovin it more than ever.
...and I just realized that in the back of the book jacket, that girl is GINNY, and not Hermione. How did I always think that it was Hermione?!?!
Even though I knew what was going to happen, I still felt a jolt when I read Harry and Ron eavesdropping and hearing Prof McGonnagall say it was Ginny that was taken to the Chamber. And I nearly cried after reading what Tom Riddle said about what Ginny was going through, with her crush on Harry. She was so quiet! And listening, er reading, to Dumbledore's advice, about how it's our choices that determines something something and not our abilities; I'm truly taking this in as a piece of painting in this art museum mind, because I know it'll be useful for me in life (even though I know life is all about decisions from my cousin's advice already, this confirms it further).
I'm excited to read Azkaban next!
***
<3 Denver and Phoenix for beating Lakers pwAhahehehahOahAH. And Manny Pacman (lol not sure of Pack-E-Yow's spelling) won yesterday. Good fight, was thinking that he might lose coz the Messican was so tall with long arms.
Reading Partners tomorrow. I'm reading Maniac Magee again lol brings back good memories.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
fail and eavesdropping on CPG.
I don't know her yet. I didn't say hi yet. I think she thinks that me and my friend have a relationship (since I'm always talking to her and walking with her or whatever) or that I'm not interested in being her friend because I didn't say anything to her a couple of times.
So, she leaves early, and it'll look weird if I leave the same time as her. SIGH. She walks too fast. I walk fast normally too but will it look awkward if I walk fast trying to chase her? Unfortunately I walk slow after this class because I have no other class right after this class.
Anyways, this is what I've gathered that makes her even more attractive LOL
-She dropped her headphones, without saying anything. She didn't let out a "SHIT" or "FUCK" or "damnit!" Or "oops!" She didn't say anything. She just picked it up. So mature *___*. and cute. But it could also be the elderly environment, nulling her ability to let out those words of utter surprise.
-She said "thanks." And when she was absent, and asked the guy next to her for the assignment that day she was absent, and she responded with a "thank you so much." OMG good manners. I love that "SO MUCH" part. pwaehehHAHehheOhohHEaha!
-She could laugh and her laugh is cute. Like, I saw her smile when I found that thing for her, it was quick and WTF CUTE.
-Her voice isn't that annoying cute voice. She doesn't sound like she's trying to be cute. But it makes her cute when she doesn't try to sound cute, even though I think she doesn't try to sound cute.
-She works hard, to the point where I overheard her say that she's stressed, and overwhelmed. OMG hard worker. But what if she's overwhelmed and stressed because (she has a boyfriend! or kids!)... well it shouldn't matter, because I just want to be friends. Yup. Just friends. This isn't love. A mere infatuation with potential. How many times have I became just friends with girls I just liked? After getting to know someone, the infatuation USUALLY fades... BUT I have to remember not to force this infatuation because of her good characteristics! I must feel... eh, whatever lol
-And she dresses nice and wutnot. Like, nice as in neutral colors, and color coordination. Nothing expensive. And has nice hair, and no make up OMGggG. AND she's Asian (Korean?) Can't let this pass. NO MAKE UP. That saves a lot of money for our future kids' college fund. Or donations to Haiti.
Hmm she doesn't sound like she's from California though. Her accent is very whitewashed. But that's even more attractive! Asian Asians are expensive I think.
But I shouldn't get my hopes too high, coz then again, this is only her outward appearance. She might be like me LOL, quiet, but crazy at home and in the internet. But either way... her presentation is mighty sexy.
And now that I'm thinking about it... she sounds like what people have described me O_O
Okay, back to work, otherwise I'll be poised as unreliable. Unhusband worthy. Unboyfriend worthy. Unlikeable worthy. James Worthy. Okay, now all in seriousness, I must do my work (only problem with James Worthy is EWW LAKERS).
EDIT: I AM. PATHETIC!!!!! I was looking through my entries and I started planning the "hi" out since September 28. WTF. WHY CAN'T I SAY HI OR EVEN APPROACH HER. LOL I AM PATHETIC. reject me plzzz
So, she leaves early, and it'll look weird if I leave the same time as her. SIGH. She walks too fast. I walk fast normally too but will it look awkward if I walk fast trying to chase her? Unfortunately I walk slow after this class because I have no other class right after this class.
Anyways, this is what I've gathered that makes her even more attractive LOL
-She dropped her headphones, without saying anything. She didn't let out a "SHIT" or "FUCK" or "damnit!" Or "oops!" She didn't say anything. She just picked it up. So mature *___*. and cute. But it could also be the elderly environment, nulling her ability to let out those words of utter surprise.
-She said "thanks." And when she was absent, and asked the guy next to her for the assignment that day she was absent, and she responded with a "thank you so much." OMG good manners. I love that "SO MUCH" part. pwaehehHAHehheOhohHEaha!
-She could laugh and her laugh is cute. Like, I saw her smile when I found that thing for her, it was quick and WTF CUTE.
-Her voice isn't that annoying cute voice. She doesn't sound like she's trying to be cute. But it makes her cute when she doesn't try to sound cute, even though I think she doesn't try to sound cute.
-She works hard, to the point where I overheard her say that she's stressed, and overwhelmed. OMG hard worker. But what if she's overwhelmed and stressed because (she has a boyfriend! or kids!)... well it shouldn't matter, because I just want to be friends. Yup. Just friends. This isn't love. A mere infatuation with potential. How many times have I became just friends with girls I just liked? After getting to know someone, the infatuation USUALLY fades... BUT I have to remember not to force this infatuation because of her good characteristics! I must feel... eh, whatever lol
-And she dresses nice and wutnot. Like, nice as in neutral colors, and color coordination. Nothing expensive. And has nice hair, and no make up OMGggG. AND she's Asian (Korean?) Can't let this pass. NO MAKE UP. That saves a lot of money for our future kids' college fund. Or donations to Haiti.
Hmm she doesn't sound like she's from California though. Her accent is very whitewashed. But that's even more attractive! Asian Asians are expensive I think.
But I shouldn't get my hopes too high, coz then again, this is only her outward appearance. She might be like me LOL, quiet, but crazy at home and in the internet. But either way... her presentation is mighty sexy.
And now that I'm thinking about it... she sounds like what people have described me O_O
Okay, back to work, otherwise I'll be poised as unreliable. Unhusband worthy. Unboyfriend worthy. Unlikeable worthy. James Worthy. Okay, now all in seriousness, I must do my work (only problem with James Worthy is EWW LAKERS).
EDIT: I AM. PATHETIC!!!!! I was looking through my entries and I started planning the "hi" out since September 28. WTF. WHY CAN'T I SAY HI OR EVEN APPROACH HER. LOL I AM PATHETIC. reject me plzzz
Monday, November 8, 2010
HELL YEAH- a different kind of happiness?!?!
Kid didn't want to leave RP (Reading Partners). SCORE!
And I finally read The Giving Tree. I bet I would love that story if I was still in that game. (I'll make that a link later to one of an earlier posts when I was in "love")
class in a few minutes.
HAH kid didn't want to go to RP at first, then after experiencing the presence of the ultimate tutor (THAT'S ME), he didn't want to leave. Kid #1 seems like he's getting bored tho.
by the end of this, these kids will be reading Shakespeare.
EDIT: (NOVEMBER 9) Both kids love RP, YESSSS. I guess I'm doing my job right. And my supervisor said "Jason, you're awesome!" after my last tutor session that day. I responded with "oh thanks." I felt so good lol. It was the way she approached me about it. I was just finished with my session, and my student stood up, I was still sitting, and then she sat down right in front of me like a business deal thing, or like I was in trouble. I feel like I'm doing something right. I felt love with no attraction. That heart spasm, for myself. I am no longer going to say "I love pizza." "I love this house." Love is this feeling. That heart spasm, I believe. So, I'm going to say I love tutoring.
I was so happy that my students didn't want to leave either lol, they were having fun reading! And I was in charge! YEAY. I guess I'm a natural?!?! How much more if I become a father some day. pwaaHAHAHAaHa, I am so awesome.
Shouldn't let it go over my head though, because the next thing right after excitement is disappointment. So, I must keep a close eye out on my surroundings and myself so I won't feel too good. I need to expect myself to be disappointed. At least thinking that I will be disappointed will lessen the overwhelming version of disappointment.
And I finally read The Giving Tree. I bet I would love that story if I was still in that game. (I'll make that a link later to one of an earlier posts when I was in "love")
class in a few minutes.
HAH kid didn't want to go to RP at first, then after experiencing the presence of the ultimate tutor (THAT'S ME), he didn't want to leave. Kid #1 seems like he's getting bored tho.
by the end of this, these kids will be reading Shakespeare.
EDIT: (NOVEMBER 9) Both kids love RP, YESSSS. I guess I'm doing my job right. And my supervisor said "Jason, you're awesome!" after my last tutor session that day. I responded with "oh thanks." I felt so good lol. It was the way she approached me about it. I was just finished with my session, and my student stood up, I was still sitting, and then she sat down right in front of me like a business deal thing, or like I was in trouble. I feel like I'm doing something right. I felt love with no attraction. That heart spasm, for myself. I am no longer going to say "I love pizza." "I love this house." Love is this feeling. That heart spasm, I believe. So, I'm going to say I love tutoring.
I was so happy that my students didn't want to leave either lol, they were having fun reading! And I was in charge! YEAY. I guess I'm a natural?!?! How much more if I become a father some day. pwaaHAHAHAaHa, I am so awesome.
Shouldn't let it go over my head though, because the next thing right after excitement is disappointment. So, I must keep a close eye out on my surroundings and myself so I won't feel too good. I need to expect myself to be disappointed. At least thinking that I will be disappointed will lessen the overwhelming version of disappointment.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
KG KG KG!
After Boston's game against Detroit, CV of Detroit Tweeted, broadcasting to the entire world, that KG called him a cancer patient. KG responded to reporters that he called him "cancerous to his team", and after more badgering from the media, he grew tired of the attention and ultimately said "he's a nobody. I don't pay attention to nobodies." lmao. geez. CV is a pest. KG is an inspiration. If I was a superstar I would probably be like him. I'd get tired of the media and respond with short answers just to get them out of my way (actually, I do this anyway regardless of being tired lol).
Suns are becoming much more exciting to watch, especially with NBA Street's Mascot, Childress, back from his time in another country that the commentators mentioned. Hope they utilize the post up players well, with Amare gone. What's the point of having a very good point guard if there isn't an eminent center? I believe point guards are there to feed the ball to the center for an easy basket, but I guess it also works if everyone else in the team are shooters, then every shot taken should be an automatic point. Oh well. Favorite teams: Golden State, New Orleans, Boston, OKC, Houston. Love watching point guards.
I'm gaining confidence in my own direction. Pretty soon, I might never be depressed, ever. So, if I ever get depressed again in the future, I must enjoy that moment, that feeling, before I never feel it again. Hopefully I'll have the urge to write even if I'm not depressed. I want to keep this blog forever...
Love this tumblr post. Even tho I'm a tumblr hater (because I don't know how to use it)
And since I think of the past fairly often, I realized how perfectly figures fit into my life. Pokemon, right when I was entering primary school. Harry Potter, started as I first began reading novels, and coincidentally, ended its last novel as I finished grade school. I'm glad to have witness and watch Michael Jordan's last shot against the Utah Jazz (when he was ending his prime). I'm glad to experience the golden days of JRPGs. Final Fantasy, Chrono Trigger, Chrono Cross, Xenosaga. Books and other miscellaneous good stuff, Goosebumps, Donkey Kong, Kirby, Geno, Gumby, Toy Story. Being between age-wise, the young and old of my relatives. Learning from other people's experiences, and getting hurt in the end by not doing what they say. Hmm...
I like who I am now. I'm quite satisfied, but I'm even more satisfied realizing that I have stuff to do to become satisfied. Oh the irony. Maybe I wish that I can say that I'm satisfied by doing things to get satisfaction, though I probably am not and I just want to rest. I guess I do want to rest, but it's so weird, that I feel like I have to gain some sort of other satisfaction to move on. Will this continue until the end of my life?
I wonder what I'd be thinking if I was depressed though lol. And I'm more satisfied with what I write when I am depressed =_=
* * *
Suns are becoming much more exciting to watch, especially with NBA Street's Mascot, Childress, back from his time in another country that the commentators mentioned. Hope they utilize the post up players well, with Amare gone. What's the point of having a very good point guard if there isn't an eminent center? I believe point guards are there to feed the ball to the center for an easy basket, but I guess it also works if everyone else in the team are shooters, then every shot taken should be an automatic point. Oh well. Favorite teams: Golden State, New Orleans, Boston, OKC, Houston. Love watching point guards.
* * *
I'm gaining confidence in my own direction. Pretty soon, I might never be depressed, ever. So, if I ever get depressed again in the future, I must enjoy that moment, that feeling, before I never feel it again. Hopefully I'll have the urge to write even if I'm not depressed. I want to keep this blog forever...
Love this tumblr post. Even tho I'm a tumblr hater (because I don't know how to use it)
And since I think of the past fairly often, I realized how perfectly figures fit into my life. Pokemon, right when I was entering primary school. Harry Potter, started as I first began reading novels, and coincidentally, ended its last novel as I finished grade school. I'm glad to have witness and watch Michael Jordan's last shot against the Utah Jazz (when he was ending his prime). I'm glad to experience the golden days of JRPGs. Final Fantasy, Chrono Trigger, Chrono Cross, Xenosaga. Books and other miscellaneous good stuff, Goosebumps, Donkey Kong, Kirby, Geno, Gumby, Toy Story. Being between age-wise, the young and old of my relatives. Learning from other people's experiences, and getting hurt in the end by not doing what they say. Hmm...
I like who I am now. I'm quite satisfied, but I'm even more satisfied realizing that I have stuff to do to become satisfied. Oh the irony. Maybe I wish that I can say that I'm satisfied by doing things to get satisfaction, though I probably am not and I just want to rest. I guess I do want to rest, but it's so weird, that I feel like I have to gain some sort of other satisfaction to move on. Will this continue until the end of my life?
I wonder what I'd be thinking if I was depressed though lol. And I'm more satisfied with what I write when I am depressed =_=
Saturday, November 6, 2010
staying this way isn't fun anymore.
Staying this way isn't fun anymore. It used to be, but now I'm feeling that rush. The rush that society is unconsciously pushing me to be. Well, maybe it is not that unconscious, because my parents are getting old, and they're telling me what I should do before they die.
I guess I'm learning a lot about myself without actually experiencing people and other stuff. I learned that Love isn't what I thought it was. Love isn't a natural feeling. It has to be forced, and it has to react well with nature. Well, I could still be wrong, this is based on that experience. Love, to me, is a strange feeling because it's mixed with nature and commitment. Or maybe there is a love where commitment is part of the nature? But that brings something else up... why is the divorce rate in this country 50%? Why can't everyone love? Oh well, whatever. I'll stick to my thinking that love isn't a feeling.
And regarding my other post about how love has the power to change, I guess it doesn't, because thinking of that time, I didn't change. I just thought of what I thought the change should be, without realizing the change I should change into. But it did help me change into the person I wanted to change into, because in love, you want to be honest... or at least, I want to be honest, therefore I did things to make me feel real. And so I did my best to stay true to myself. But of course, that failed.
I'm hungry for more isolation. But my family time is drawing nigh as well. They are getting older, and soon they won't be with me anymore. I'll be isolated either way. Should I just wait til then? Being 40 years old frightens me, even though I'm only 20. Being free and 40 years old... I want to enjoy my youth, and I can't help but feel that I'm missing something. Did I have that missing piece back then when I was an elementary kid?
I'll never know, because each moment that I look back to, I was happy. I looked back at my Sophomore year in high school... my year when I was most depressed, resulting to a few visits to a Psychologist, and I feel like I want to go back to those times, because I feel that those times were better than the time I'm living in right now. And I bet a few years from now, I'll be looking at this time, and I would feel like going back to this time from that future time. Quite the paradox. Maybe if I were to go back, I'd long for the future.
It could be the feeling. If I were to go back to my Sophomore year, I'm sure I wouldn't want to feel all that depressed pain and such, maybe I long for it, because I actually survived it. Maybe that's it. Survival. I want to go back because I know I survived.
Whatever. Moving on, lol. ITG TIME.
I guess I'm learning a lot about myself without actually experiencing people and other stuff. I learned that Love isn't what I thought it was. Love isn't a natural feeling. It has to be forced, and it has to react well with nature. Well, I could still be wrong, this is based on that experience. Love, to me, is a strange feeling because it's mixed with nature and commitment. Or maybe there is a love where commitment is part of the nature? But that brings something else up... why is the divorce rate in this country 50%? Why can't everyone love? Oh well, whatever. I'll stick to my thinking that love isn't a feeling.
And regarding my other post about how love has the power to change, I guess it doesn't, because thinking of that time, I didn't change. I just thought of what I thought the change should be, without realizing the change I should change into. But it did help me change into the person I wanted to change into, because in love, you want to be honest... or at least, I want to be honest, therefore I did things to make me feel real. And so I did my best to stay true to myself. But of course, that failed.
I'm hungry for more isolation. But my family time is drawing nigh as well. They are getting older, and soon they won't be with me anymore. I'll be isolated either way. Should I just wait til then? Being 40 years old frightens me, even though I'm only 20. Being free and 40 years old... I want to enjoy my youth, and I can't help but feel that I'm missing something. Did I have that missing piece back then when I was an elementary kid?
I'll never know, because each moment that I look back to, I was happy. I looked back at my Sophomore year in high school... my year when I was most depressed, resulting to a few visits to a Psychologist, and I feel like I want to go back to those times, because I feel that those times were better than the time I'm living in right now. And I bet a few years from now, I'll be looking at this time, and I would feel like going back to this time from that future time. Quite the paradox. Maybe if I were to go back, I'd long for the future.
It could be the feeling. If I were to go back to my Sophomore year, I'm sure I wouldn't want to feel all that depressed pain and such, maybe I long for it, because I actually survived it. Maybe that's it. Survival. I want to go back because I know I survived.
Whatever. Moving on, lol. ITG TIME.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
OMFG
I actually said something to her (CPG- cute piano girl)!
But it was because she dropped something.
And I picked it up. I didn't know it was hers, til I saw her looking around her spot for something. And I said "is this yours?" and she said "thanks!" But she didn't look at me. BUT I SAW HER FACE. Her smile is so friggin cute, and then she asked a cute question to the teacher as well, but she sounds so motivated and serious oamsdklfjasJ:LJ:LJ!! I'm beginning to think that she's older than me, but she probably isn't.
I really can't tell how old she is, or if she has a BF, but it looks like she does coz she's so friggin cute and focused and whatever. And she's wearing neutral colors like gray and black and flkajsdfjkl;sdjlfj! !! INfatuationN. WHY DIDN'T SHE LOOK AT ME. and why do I feel like I'm talking so girly.
I must disappoint myself now. She didn't look at me because I'm ugly. She saw how stupid I can act. She goes to class fast to get away from me. Yup, that must be it. She will never be my friend, because friends are of less importance to her, especially during these times. That's why she's usually alone.
But what if she's like me? And if she is like me... ugh it's hard to disappoint myself when I don't know much about her. I'm excited to see her on Thursday (in class). I have to say hi... before I make another regret, and get a quick "I hate myself" spasm at a random time in the future.
I'm having trouble in Reading Partners... I have trouble holding back my anger, but I held it in! I wanted to yell, but I can't do that. It was his second day at RP, and I want it to be fun, not frustrating. Hmm... thnk think think. But when I start any kind of thinking, I think of CPG!
I guess everyone needs someone to confirm if something is right. To relate, and to feel good about something, we need others to confirm it is right. We do things to feel good about ourselves...ksdfj;s geting sleepy.
15k steps today and counting. Have you ever been mellowww.
But it was because she dropped something.
And I picked it up. I didn't know it was hers, til I saw her looking around her spot for something. And I said "is this yours?" and she said "thanks!" But she didn't look at me. BUT I SAW HER FACE. Her smile is so friggin cute, and then she asked a cute question to the teacher as well, but she sounds so motivated and serious oamsdklfjasJ:LJ:LJ!! I'm beginning to think that she's older than me, but she probably isn't.
I really can't tell how old she is, or if she has a BF, but it looks like she does coz she's so friggin cute and focused and whatever. And she's wearing neutral colors like gray and black and flkajsdfjkl;sdjlfj! !! INfatuationN. WHY DIDN'T SHE LOOK AT ME. and why do I feel like I'm talking so girly.
I must disappoint myself now. She didn't look at me because I'm ugly. She saw how stupid I can act. She goes to class fast to get away from me. Yup, that must be it. She will never be my friend, because friends are of less importance to her, especially during these times. That's why she's usually alone.
But what if she's like me? And if she is like me... ugh it's hard to disappoint myself when I don't know much about her. I'm excited to see her on Thursday (in class). I have to say hi... before I make another regret, and get a quick "I hate myself" spasm at a random time in the future.
I'm having trouble in Reading Partners... I have trouble holding back my anger, but I held it in! I wanted to yell, but I can't do that. It was his second day at RP, and I want it to be fun, not frustrating. Hmm... thnk think think. But when I start any kind of thinking, I think of CPG!
I guess everyone needs someone to confirm if something is right. To relate, and to feel good about something, we need others to confirm it is right. We do things to feel good about ourselves...ksdfj;s geting sleepy.
15k steps today and counting. Have you ever been mellowww.
Monday, November 1, 2010
teacha path
yeyeyeyeye. I started Reading Partners today. Great program. Looks like the volunteers are high schoolers though... or they could be in college, I don't know, I don't know how people my age are supposed to look like anymore.
Wish Texas won. So they can play again tomorrow. And if Giants lose that game... we're in trouble coz I guess Sanchez would be starting. Wish he got a win though. And I wish Barry Zito pitched lol
STUCK ON PUZZLE 104 on Professor Layton.
And I'm being repelled to say hi again. One and a half more months... she might figure me out! But, if I keep thinking I'm going to talk to her to make a new friend, maybe she'll get that vibe too, and I'll get that vibe, and I'll make a new cute friend! But hope my current friend is okay with this!
I lost 10 pounds this month. 14k steps a day. AND I still feel depressed. But it was weird, I felt non-depressed, and I was happy at the same time... I liked myself when I was teaching those kids. I thought I'd get all anxious, but I didn't, I was so confident and I felt like I was the best tutor there ever was. Whatever!
and wtf I'm stressing out SO much just thinking about saying hi. WTFWTF. Me stressing out like this makes me feel like I need to work on to not be stressed out first before I say the hi. ITS JUST A HI OMG. And now I look crazy for talking to myself like this. Say hi and bye... or maybe I'll wait til the end of the year so I won't see her the next day after I say hi :(... but that would defeat the purpose of saying hi in the first place. WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO LOOK SO IDEAL.
Wish Texas won. So they can play again tomorrow. And if Giants lose that game... we're in trouble coz I guess Sanchez would be starting. Wish he got a win though. And I wish Barry Zito pitched lol
STUCK ON PUZZLE 104 on Professor Layton.
And I'm being repelled to say hi again. One and a half more months... she might figure me out! But, if I keep thinking I'm going to talk to her to make a new friend, maybe she'll get that vibe too, and I'll get that vibe, and I'll make a new cute friend! But hope my current friend is okay with this!
I lost 10 pounds this month. 14k steps a day. AND I still feel depressed. But it was weird, I felt non-depressed, and I was happy at the same time... I liked myself when I was teaching those kids. I thought I'd get all anxious, but I didn't, I was so confident and I felt like I was the best tutor there ever was. Whatever!
and wtf I'm stressing out SO much just thinking about saying hi. WTFWTF. Me stressing out like this makes me feel like I need to work on to not be stressed out first before I say the hi. ITS JUST A HI OMG. And now I look crazy for talking to myself like this. Say hi and bye... or maybe I'll wait til the end of the year so I won't see her the next day after I say hi :(... but that would defeat the purpose of saying hi in the first place. WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO LOOK SO IDEAL.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
remember..
to think of my breathing when I'm nervous.
Left handers are so cool.
And as predicted, Giants won game 4. I forgot to mention, before the series began, I predicted that Giants would win in 6 games against the Phillys to counter what these "experts" say. And now, in the World Series, I had this feeling that Giants will win in 5, but I also said that Sanchez will lose game 3. I am not psychic. Because, in game 2 of the NBA Finals, as Celtics were down by 11 or so, I predicted they would win by 10 points. However, Celtics won by 9.
Enough procrastination. A research paper is due tomorrow, along with a presentation of it. I have a volunteer job to do tomorrow, so I must sleep at least four hours so I can be energetic, and a good impression to these complete and well, legal society lurkers of the future.
Since when have I acquired this peculiar reaction to Fritos? Or any chips with a bag O_O, my right ring finger near the bottom of the nail itches uncontrollably. Can't. Stop. Scratching. Just like love, and the future, I'm acting before I'm thinking about the future, even though I know scratching is bad and would lead to more complications.
Left handers are so cool.
And as predicted, Giants won game 4. I forgot to mention, before the series began, I predicted that Giants would win in 6 games against the Phillys to counter what these "experts" say. And now, in the World Series, I had this feeling that Giants will win in 5, but I also said that Sanchez will lose game 3. I am not psychic. Because, in game 2 of the NBA Finals, as Celtics were down by 11 or so, I predicted they would win by 10 points. However, Celtics won by 9.
Enough procrastination. A research paper is due tomorrow, along with a presentation of it. I have a volunteer job to do tomorrow, so I must sleep at least four hours so I can be energetic, and a good impression to these complete and well, legal society lurkers of the future.
Since when have I acquired this peculiar reaction to Fritos? Or any chips with a bag O_O, my right ring finger near the bottom of the nail itches uncontrollably. Can't. Stop. Scratching. Just like love, and the future, I'm acting before I'm thinking about the future, even though I know scratching is bad and would lead to more complications.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
just one person...
Just one person can influence my decisions so drastically @_@
I should have done this. I should have done that.
But ultimately, I should just prepare for it. And I know that I should prepare, but somethings holding me back. And maybe it's just thinking that somethings holding me back when something really isn't.
But I get lazy. And now I'm sleepy. And the preparation isn't set. And I fail.
It was me. I couldn't relate. So much for 100% understanding.
Anyways, wuts really hood?!?!
I should have done this. I should have done that.
But ultimately, I should just prepare for it. And I know that I should prepare, but somethings holding me back. And maybe it's just thinking that somethings holding me back when something really isn't.
But I get lazy. And now I'm sleepy. And the preparation isn't set. And I fail.
It was me. I couldn't relate. So much for 100% understanding.
Anyways, wuts really hood?!?!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
future chess.
I thought of a correlation. Ever since I've been playing chess fast, as in, making a move without thinking too forward, I've been making hasty decisions in general, outside of chess. That was in... 8th grade, I think. Or 7th. So now, I've been making these decisions, since after 7th or 8th grade.
I see myself in the future, being homeless. I'll be napping on a couch all my life. Or sitting somewhere, starring up at the sky. Or, I'll sit near the creek in the park. Like that deep ditch with that mini river surrounded by lots of trees which is across the street from my middle high school. Actually, I won't, because when the middle schoolers or high schoolers are dismissed from class, they might walk by me. And true isolationists (thought this word would be underlined red... oh well) are far away from any being.
I despise his existence.
Those were the last words I heard her say, regarding me. But it's okay. You are not alone. I do too. I know I shouldn't have begged. But it wouldn't feel honest if I didn't. The honesty thing got all over my head.
Anyways this won't stop me from doing homework. I think my next paper for Gov will be about the U.S. , Aristide, and Randall Robinson. Because I felt something pierce through my heart as I heard those words.
I see myself in the future, being homeless. I'll be napping on a couch all my life. Or sitting somewhere, starring up at the sky. Or, I'll sit near the creek in the park. Like that deep ditch with that mini river surrounded by lots of trees which is across the street from my middle high school. Actually, I won't, because when the middle schoolers or high schoolers are dismissed from class, they might walk by me. And true isolationists (thought this word would be underlined red... oh well) are far away from any being.
I despise his existence.
Those were the last words I heard her say, regarding me. But it's okay. You are not alone. I do too. I know I shouldn't have begged. But it wouldn't feel honest if I didn't. The honesty thing got all over my head.
Anyways this won't stop me from doing homework. I think my next paper for Gov will be about the U.S. , Aristide, and Randall Robinson. Because I felt something pierce through my heart as I heard those words.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
why
This morning, I felt so ... I don't know what to call it. But I felt like sleeping and never waking up. Sometimes, I feel like I'm myself when I feel depressed. I may even like depression. Like as in a start of love. It might not be depression, it might just be me. I am so accustomed to that feeling, so when I feel it, it feels like it's me, and I feel at home, when I'm so close to feeling to kill myself. I feel honest. Am I trying to be so fascinated with everything when I'm not? Because I'm not getting any better on those things I "find" fascinating, like education and literature or whatever. How do I know if I'm doing okay anyway. And after thinking like this, I feel so stupid, so I revert back to shooting baskets, or playing a video game. Or something... maybe looking at the mirror. Or cleaning my room. Or sitting in the back being mesmerized by my organization structure of my room. Or repeating videos on youtube. What should I do?
I want a sofa instead of a bed. I see myself in an apartment, sleeping on the couch. Living with just a computer. And I'll be going to the library often. But I'm sure so many people will be against it, and I'll be against it as well, since other people are against it and I do mind what people think about me, especially if they are people who have been in my life for a long time, and will be forever.
"Live not to be successful, but to be of value." Albert Einstein.
I think I'm only good at tutoring kids. But what if I tutor them so well, that when they grow up, they go to an IVY league school, become one of those CEOs and end up sucking up the money from the poor?!?! Sigh, there's always side effects to everything. Eating, heart attack. Loving, competition. Friends, disappointment. There's no end. So I guess I'm missing something.
Is public opinion on love, and "the good" all originating from the media? What influences what "love" should be, and what influences what "good" should be? And even if it's influenced that way, does it matter? Feelings don't matter. Opinion doesn't matter. These things shouldn't matter. But to me, it does.
I want a sofa instead of a bed. I see myself in an apartment, sleeping on the couch. Living with just a computer. And I'll be going to the library often. But I'm sure so many people will be against it, and I'll be against it as well, since other people are against it and I do mind what people think about me, especially if they are people who have been in my life for a long time, and will be forever.
"Live not to be successful, but to be of value." Albert Einstein.
I think I'm only good at tutoring kids. But what if I tutor them so well, that when they grow up, they go to an IVY league school, become one of those CEOs and end up sucking up the money from the poor?!?! Sigh, there's always side effects to everything. Eating, heart attack. Loving, competition. Friends, disappointment. There's no end. So I guess I'm missing something.
Is public opinion on love, and "the good" all originating from the media? What influences what "love" should be, and what influences what "good" should be? And even if it's influenced that way, does it matter? Feelings don't matter. Opinion doesn't matter. These things shouldn't matter. But to me, it does.
Monday, October 25, 2010
hope it lasts.
Optimism, check. "Being myself", check. Outlook on what I want, check. Thinking of just getting to know her, check. Voice, check. Shower, check. Yup, I'm ready to say hi to her! Hopefully nothing contaminates my state of mind from now, through the night, and until the next morning when I *might* see her lol. Remember, I just want to know her, and say hi. Yup, that's it.
Finally passed While the Rekkid Spinz on 9! I passed it twice today, each score around 50% though, lol. I set it so I won't fail so easily.
Neil Gaimon was a guest in today's Arthur episode. I'm looking forward to seeing that episode again, because he said something that I wanted to remember, but forgot. I guess that's the importance of a smart phone, once he said what he said, I could have tweeted it lol. Second episode in Arthur was about the Sock market, basic information which might get kids to understand about the depression and such. This is my favorite kid's show.
Wish JK Rowling had a blog, I really want to know what she's up to and such, but I guess she's taking care of her kids and whatever. I'm following Neil on twitter though, and subscribed to his blog. He has recorded many interesting quotes, about love and life. Actually, readers record his writing from his books, that transcribe into quotes.
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up."
"I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing."
Yup, that's Neil Gaimon.
Shadow Session at Riverside tomorrow! I don't know what I should be feeling. I'm worried that I'd end up in the wrong Riverside. What if there are two Riversides?!?! Oh well, I'll just go to the one I know.
Been also getting into this anime, Psychic Detective Yakumo. It's okay, I'm not entirely hooked, though I'm only on the third episode.
Finally passed While the Rekkid Spinz on 9! I passed it twice today, each score around 50% though, lol. I set it so I won't fail so easily.
Neil Gaimon was a guest in today's Arthur episode. I'm looking forward to seeing that episode again, because he said something that I wanted to remember, but forgot. I guess that's the importance of a smart phone, once he said what he said, I could have tweeted it lol. Second episode in Arthur was about the Sock market, basic information which might get kids to understand about the depression and such. This is my favorite kid's show.
Wish JK Rowling had a blog, I really want to know what she's up to and such, but I guess she's taking care of her kids and whatever. I'm following Neil on twitter though, and subscribed to his blog. He has recorded many interesting quotes, about love and life. Actually, readers record his writing from his books, that transcribe into quotes.
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up."
"I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing."
Yup, that's Neil Gaimon.
Shadow Session at Riverside tomorrow! I don't know what I should be feeling. I'm worried that I'd end up in the wrong Riverside. What if there are two Riversides?!?! Oh well, I'll just go to the one I know.
Been also getting into this anime, Psychic Detective Yakumo. It's okay, I'm not entirely hooked, though I'm only on the third episode.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
experience and change.
This current slight ignition of infatuation is helping me cope, because I’ll never talk to her again. When I think about her, and then think about this one, I loose my feelings for that one. I guess when I’m really in love, the experience of getting out of it is irrelevant to getting out. When I’m in love, I know I’m in love, and I am in love. Back then, I was talking to other people in hopes that I can talk to her. Experience in talking to others, hoping that I’ll be able to talk to her. Now that we will never talk to each other again, I’m reverting back to my cold isolated self. My natural self, which isn’t what I’m trying to be. I don’t know exactly what I’m trying to be. Isolation is my natural response, though. Like touching the stove, pulling my hand out, is to talking, regretting, then isolating.
To change, I think people’s only motivation for change is love. I’d change for who I love. Maybe this is why America is failing so much. It’s not the same feeling as loving someone, but I think it should be. People who love America as someone, whether it’s a psychological psychopath person, he can change the nation for the better. The change must be loved. But I guess it works too if it’s linked to pride. But whatever. Just saying that I think love is the most important factor in change.
Looking back at it, I was a total mess right after and during that entire process. I couldn’t study, didn’t do work, didn’t think of my career, I just wanted her to love me back, and searched for ANY kind of sign that brought hope. This continued for days. Even when we weren’t going to talk anymore, I still hoped, wrote, thought of what to do, but I really couldn’t do anything. Slept more than I was awake, ignoring everyone. So, I should learn to give up on hope, and just stop hoping. I'll think about hope, but I won't research on hope.
Finally it shifted when her best friend severed friendship with me, and when I started watching Detective Conan again. And then basketball. And the shift stood strong. DDR, ITG, basketball, improving my health, reading other people’s blogs, critical thinking, piano. And then the piano girl lolol. But damn I think I was so cool in the IRL part of it, that people and friends didn’t notice how much pain I was in. So if you’re my friend and I didn’t tell you about it, don’t worry coz I told no one. The story is only being told here. And maybe whatever “she” says about it to her social circle.
I think this is my first true love. We never physically met. But I certainly talked to her more than anyone else. I thought of her more than anyone else. And she was my motivation. Back then. I don't remember much about my past likes. But this one... I can say, September, we met. October, we argued. November, we were friends again. December, we argued. And much more, my own emotional struggles, and now I'm realizing it, that I caused so much trouble by liking her that way... I know it is my first true love, I couldn't even move on if I wanted to. I like her so much and I still do. But now, it's really over, and I'm going to move on whether I like it or not. So, cute piano girl, prepare yourself for a hi.
… Infatuation isn’t useless, I’m making good use out of it to work on something, and to get my mind off something. I know that I’m moving on, because the excitement in my stomach is telling me so. Hope infatuation changes once I get to know her. Worse that could happen is that she likes me, but I start thinking about her. Hm, I hate saying her, and she. From now on, her and she will be referred to the cute piano girl, and the original "her" and "she" from the beginning of this blog will be called "ma peche" lol, coz I'm thinking of Albedo Atm.
This is Albedo. Goodnight. Haha, this is so like me to think of her, er ma peche, when I have a midterm tomorrow.
To change, I think people’s only motivation for change is love. I’d change for who I love. Maybe this is why America is failing so much. It’s not the same feeling as loving someone, but I think it should be. People who love America as someone, whether it’s a psychological psychopath person, he can change the nation for the better. The change must be loved. But I guess it works too if it’s linked to pride. But whatever. Just saying that I think love is the most important factor in change.
Looking back at it, I was a total mess right after and during that entire process. I couldn’t study, didn’t do work, didn’t think of my career, I just wanted her to love me back, and searched for ANY kind of sign that brought hope. This continued for days. Even when we weren’t going to talk anymore, I still hoped, wrote, thought of what to do, but I really couldn’t do anything. Slept more than I was awake, ignoring everyone. So, I should learn to give up on hope, and just stop hoping. I'll think about hope, but I won't research on hope.
Finally it shifted when her best friend severed friendship with me, and when I started watching Detective Conan again. And then basketball. And the shift stood strong. DDR, ITG, basketball, improving my health, reading other people’s blogs, critical thinking, piano. And then the piano girl lolol. But damn I think I was so cool in the IRL part of it, that people and friends didn’t notice how much pain I was in. So if you’re my friend and I didn’t tell you about it, don’t worry coz I told no one. The story is only being told here. And maybe whatever “she” says about it to her social circle.
I think this is my first true love. We never physically met. But I certainly talked to her more than anyone else. I thought of her more than anyone else. And she was my motivation. Back then. I don't remember much about my past likes. But this one... I can say, September, we met. October, we argued. November, we were friends again. December, we argued. And much more, my own emotional struggles, and now I'm realizing it, that I caused so much trouble by liking her that way... I know it is my first true love, I couldn't even move on if I wanted to. I like her so much and I still do. But now, it's really over, and I'm going to move on whether I like it or not. So, cute piano girl, prepare yourself for a hi.
… Infatuation isn’t useless, I’m making good use out of it to work on something, and to get my mind off something. I know that I’m moving on, because the excitement in my stomach is telling me so. Hope infatuation changes once I get to know her. Worse that could happen is that she likes me, but I start thinking about her. Hm, I hate saying her, and she. From now on, her and she will be referred to the cute piano girl, and the original "her" and "she" from the beginning of this blog will be called "ma peche" lol, coz I'm thinking of Albedo Atm.
This is Albedo. Goodnight. Haha, this is so like me to think of her, er ma peche, when I have a midterm tomorrow.full combo.
I'll edit this later, just wanted to make the quick note so I know whose music not to write about, coz I did Shubert and Debussy already.
Detective Conan and the, erm, Professor Layton: The Eternal Diva was such a great movie omg lol. I think the overall message is about death and how to deal with it. People live forever through memories. Sigh, that means no one should come in contact with me if I want to die or else I'll live forever O_O
I like Level-5's character designs, they are drawn so silly, cute, and it's just so strange compared to other drawings. Maybe it's an illusion created by how each character's eyes and height are not drawn at the same size. It's like having an anime character next to a He-Man.
[failed screen captured pic insert here... .jpg lol]
Also, passed Healing Vision Angelic mix on 9 for the first time lol I used one foot for 8th notes (I think they're called 8th notes?) this time instead of using two foot alternation. It wasn't that fast after playing No 1 Nation 10+ times.
Yesterday I achieved a full combo on While the Rekkid Spinz (7), sadly, it wasn't a *. My excuse is that I'm using a soft pad with no bar haha.Almost passed it on (9) but I failed at the last stream! Tomorrow I'll pass it fa sho.
I would be more proud if it was Mellow, I always miss 1 note. Sigh. lol
Hm my window looks so weird without the curtain. My curtain is in the hamper preparing to be cleaned. It used to be this way the first year I lived in this house though.
Detective Conan and the, erm, Professor Layton: The Eternal Diva was such a great movie omg lol. I think the overall message is about death and how to deal with it. People live forever through memories. Sigh, that means no one should come in contact with me if I want to die or else I'll live forever O_O
I like Level-5's character designs, they are drawn so silly, cute, and it's just so strange compared to other drawings. Maybe it's an illusion created by how each character's eyes and height are not drawn at the same size. It's like having an anime character next to a He-Man.
[failed screen captured pic insert here... .jpg lol]
Also, passed Healing Vision Angelic mix on 9 for the first time lol I used one foot for 8th notes (I think they're called 8th notes?) this time instead of using two foot alternation. It wasn't that fast after playing No 1 Nation 10+ times.
Yesterday I achieved a full combo on While the Rekkid Spinz (7), sadly, it wasn't a *. My excuse is that I'm using a soft pad with no bar haha.Almost passed it on (9) but I failed at the last stream! Tomorrow I'll pass it fa sho.
I would be more proud if it was Mellow, I always miss 1 note. Sigh. lolHm my window looks so weird without the curtain. My curtain is in the hamper preparing to be cleaned. It used to be this way the first year I lived in this house though.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
weeeeeeeeeeee.
Once I own Xenoblade, I must cop dis!:
Wished those 8-bit toons were actually figurines that came in the box... V
!!!
Games to get: Final Fantasy IV After Years, Kirby's Epic Yarn, Donkey Kong Country Returns, Arc Rise Fantasia (maybe), Last Story... I feel like I'm missing something.
I literally feel like I was 13 yesterday, and woke up as a 20 yr old, without dreams and goals.
Back to watching Professor Layton: The Eternal Diva.
Wished those 8-bit toons were actually figurines that came in the box... V
!!!
Games to get: Final Fantasy IV After Years, Kirby's Epic Yarn, Donkey Kong Country Returns, Arc Rise Fantasia (maybe), Last Story... I feel like I'm missing something.
I literally feel like I was 13 yesterday, and woke up as a 20 yr old, without dreams and goals.
Back to watching Professor Layton: The Eternal Diva.
Friday, October 22, 2010
back.
I'm going back to my old self. What was my old self? Striving hard, working hard, getting things done. I'm tired of being relaxed and carefree. I'm tired of watching the world, and thinking that nothing will change. I want to go back to who I used to be, or who I thought I was before.
But I can't, because I'm just me. I'm everything I've done. I can't "say" that I'm going back. Except, I've learned a lot more. I'll have a higher level of motivation as I work harder. I guess I'm just inspired by Captain Tezuka lol He's so serious, I think it's cool to be serious, like I was before... at least, I'd like to think that I was serious, maybe I wasn't so serious.
I was told to relax and smile. After my first, I started smiling... and people commended me for smiling! Or not commend, but were like "woah you're smiling!" I guess I never did smile back then. Even in fifth grade, my teacher wrote in my "yearbook" that I have to smile more, and try to relax and that I have a nice smile. Another fifth grade friend wrote that it's funny how I try to hide my smile. And almost everyone else said that I'm too quiet. I guess I get lost in my head often, that I don't realize what I'm affecting around me.
It could also be that I thought I was like what they said but what was I back then? Back then when I didn't feel so pessimistic. Was I pessimistic back then? Am I pessimistic now? Eh, whatever lol
I like Manga because of *one* writer and artist. I feel that I learn more about the person and I grasp the entire meaning of the piece and what the writer is trying to convey in it. 77-78 PoT
Last Thursday, I missed my chance yet again. She was walking ahead of me, I didn't do anything. BUT I was also ready in case we met at the roll sheet, or whenever I see her down a hallway. I was SO ready to say hi, but I didn't see her. Nor was my friend here today, and it sucks because I really wanted to talk about this with her. Anyways, I noticed that she wore her jacket around the waist. YES! She's not that intimidating anymore knowing she did a nerd! Or maybe it's not a nerd since she's a she, and guy nerds tie jackets or sweaters around their waste. Hmm. But man, that will attract more people to her... I'm afraid of other guys finding her attractive which is most likely... this is why I have to act quick before it's too late... sigh.
... one month left. I just know that I'll regret not saying anything to her after this semester is over, and as I age.
Maybe I'll bring my big umbrella and hopefully it rains... and she forgets her umbrella... KLJFS!! WTF.
OH YEAH. And 9s I passed: No 1 Nation, Xuxa, July, Tell, While the Rekkid Spinz. Gonna try to beat Let My love Go Blind next lol, I died at the end with that <>< looking consecutive steps, I think its good practice coz I seem to be bad at those. And the steps that go <>^<V or something like that lol (the awkward twist/turns which may put my back facing the screen)
But I can't, because I'm just me. I'm everything I've done. I can't "say" that I'm going back. Except, I've learned a lot more. I'll have a higher level of motivation as I work harder. I guess I'm just inspired by Captain Tezuka lol He's so serious, I think it's cool to be serious, like I was before... at least, I'd like to think that I was serious, maybe I wasn't so serious.
I was told to relax and smile. After my first, I started smiling... and people commended me for smiling! Or not commend, but were like "woah you're smiling!" I guess I never did smile back then. Even in fifth grade, my teacher wrote in my "yearbook" that I have to smile more, and try to relax and that I have a nice smile. Another fifth grade friend wrote that it's funny how I try to hide my smile. And almost everyone else said that I'm too quiet. I guess I get lost in my head often, that I don't realize what I'm affecting around me.
It could also be that I thought I was like what they said but what was I back then? Back then when I didn't feel so pessimistic. Was I pessimistic back then? Am I pessimistic now? Eh, whatever lol
I like Manga because of *one* writer and artist. I feel that I learn more about the person and I grasp the entire meaning of the piece and what the writer is trying to convey in it. 77-78 PoT
Last Thursday, I missed my chance yet again. She was walking ahead of me, I didn't do anything. BUT I was also ready in case we met at the roll sheet, or whenever I see her down a hallway. I was SO ready to say hi, but I didn't see her. Nor was my friend here today, and it sucks because I really wanted to talk about this with her. Anyways, I noticed that she wore her jacket around the waist. YES! She's not that intimidating anymore knowing she did a nerd! Or maybe it's not a nerd since she's a she, and guy nerds tie jackets or sweaters around their waste. Hmm. But man, that will attract more people to her... I'm afraid of other guys finding her attractive which is most likely... this is why I have to act quick before it's too late... sigh.
... one month left. I just know that I'll regret not saying anything to her after this semester is over, and as I age.
Maybe I'll bring my big umbrella and hopefully it rains... and she forgets her umbrella... KLJFS!! WTF.
OH YEAH. And 9s I passed: No 1 Nation, Xuxa, July, Tell, While the Rekkid Spinz. Gonna try to beat Let My love Go Blind next lol, I died at the end with that <>< looking consecutive steps, I think its good practice coz I seem to be bad at those. And the steps that go <>^<V or something like that lol (the awkward twist/turns which may put my back facing the screen)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
happy birthday dad!
I have Skies of Arcadia COMPLETE now. Thank you cuhzbro.
My dad turns 53 today.We played basketball. Thank goodness I lost (not in purpose), hopefully my dad noticed that I was playing my best, and hopefully he feels younger now that he beat me lol
hm not much to say... watched the last games of the preseason. Starting to get back into Prince of Tennis.
Note to self: EP 304 DC
My dad turns 53 today.We played basketball. Thank goodness I lost (not in purpose), hopefully my dad noticed that I was playing my best, and hopefully he feels younger now that he beat me lol
hm not much to say... watched the last games of the preseason. Starting to get back into Prince of Tennis.
Note to self: EP 304 DC
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
missed my chance.
She was right there, OMG could've said hi but noOOoo. I passed the roll sheet to her and didn't say anything, and she didn't say anything to me. hmph. I'm suspecting she has a BF coz she's all focused and everytying hmm oh well gotta say hi next time lol
Now let me reminisce of all the chances I could have had.
1. First day of school. She was walking to class, and she was ahead of me. I, who usually walks fast, slowed down because I was intimidated by her looks LOl
2. Sat next to me.
3. Sat next to me again, and tapped my shoulder coz she wanted me to pass up my music quiz lmao
4. She was sitting in the hallway unexpectedly. I rushed to the practice room because I felt nervous.
5. Saw her working at the concert, but didn't say hi coz I didn't recognize her.
6. Could have said hi to her when I passed up my listening paper.
7. Could have said hi to her when I passed the roll sheet.
WTF. so in conclusion, I have no balls and I'm a little kid. I'm sure there was more... near the first day of school, I saw her at the library.
This infatuation thing is working though... I want to be healthy like her LOL and I lost 5 lbs! I passed all 8 songs on ITG. I started on 9s, but failed the first one. My excuse is that I was too tired. But right after I shot a couple of hoops. I want to go one on one with someone... I feel like blocking someone so bad!
And so a crossover game with Prof Layton and Phoenix Wright was just announced... http://www.1up.com/news/professor-layton-meets-phoenix-wright-3ds
Xenoblade or this?!?! I love puzzles and detective stuff.
Now let me reminisce of all the chances I could have had.
1. First day of school. She was walking to class, and she was ahead of me. I, who usually walks fast, slowed down because I was intimidated by her looks LOl
2. Sat next to me.
3. Sat next to me again, and tapped my shoulder coz she wanted me to pass up my music quiz lmao
4. She was sitting in the hallway unexpectedly. I rushed to the practice room because I felt nervous.
5. Saw her working at the concert, but didn't say hi coz I didn't recognize her.
6. Could have said hi to her when I passed up my listening paper.
7. Could have said hi to her when I passed the roll sheet.
WTF. so in conclusion, I have no balls and I'm a little kid. I'm sure there was more... near the first day of school, I saw her at the library.
This infatuation thing is working though... I want to be healthy like her LOL and I lost 5 lbs! I passed all 8 songs on ITG. I started on 9s, but failed the first one. My excuse is that I was too tired. But right after I shot a couple of hoops. I want to go one on one with someone... I feel like blocking someone so bad!
And so a crossover game with Prof Layton and Phoenix Wright was just announced... http://www.1up.com/news/professor-layton-meets-phoenix-wright-3ds
Xenoblade or this?!?! I love puzzles and detective stuff.
Monday, October 18, 2010
XENO.
If Xenoblade has an official release date, I'm getting a Wii. I'll get the game first though, and then the Wii. Xenoblade looks like the only RPG that I want to play ATM. Sarah Àlainn's Beyond the Sky is so beautifully sung ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iPQP7aDe_Y )... and I'm following Soraya Saga on Twitter lol (worked on Xenosaga and Xenoblade). And I should also get Baten Kaitos if I get a Wii...! (if the Wii can play Gamecube games...)
http://www.nintendo.co.jp/wii/sx4j/characters/index.html
These character designs look amazing.
I also discovered Sarah Àlainn's youtube ch and blog... I wonder how old she is so I can compare ourselves intellectually and where we're at in life lol... hope she's older than 25 or so, but she looks 21 or 22, sigh.
I think my shooting got better... when I practice, I must practice going up one on one against someone. Shoot open shots, pass when I don't or dribble ahead... I'm short, so I have to practice being like a point guard. Ray Allen and Paul Pierce do not miss any shots during practice. I must not miss any shots either!
I'm procrastinating again on my government essay as usual. I could never think of a thesis. This is why I hate essays. I don't like thinking up topics and researching, it just doesn't interest me and I lost credibility on everything anyways. AND I don't have much opinions on issues and such. Maybe I need to live by myself or something to form opinions that I'd be satisfied with... oh well, must write something though for 20+ points? I might not like my argument, but at least I'll follow the structure. My heart isn't in this, because I am not passionate about any issue.
I think I'll finish FFVIII ASAP, and right after, finishing up FFXII. I started FFX like two weeks ago if I didn't say that, and I'm not hooked. Maybe it's because I'm not that far into it, so past game series are drawing me in.
Last weekend I kept replaying and watching the endings of Xenosaga EPI and III. Is it bad that my favorite character is Wilhelm? The guy who watches the universe revolve around him, precisely calculating what's going to happen and what's going to end up as... except the sadist part, I don't like that characteristic about him, but his outlook is so amazing. chaos and Wilhelm, staying calm and when things aren't going there way, they don't respond with an over exaggerated reaction. chaos's eternal melancholic expression is intriguing as well, I wish more games have as good as a story and development as Xenosaga, which is why I'm looking forward to Xenoblade. I could tell that it's genuine, and the creator really crafted it with a passion. That's just by looking at reviews and trailers and screen shots and the website though. It's Takahashi, of course.
Jin Uzuki... the moment before he dies in the ending, he longs for the past, and never felt that way before. He wanted to go back. I wonder if that meant that he regret sacrificing himself to help Nephilim, Abel, chaos, and KOS-MOS. I feel the same way, even though I'm not going to die right now. I'm longing for the past. I didn't say spoilers, because that's not the true ending. Soraya Saga and Takahashi's ending is much different... I'm really curious to what their ending for the series is.
This is why I'm excited for Xenoblade. It's Takahashi's first, for us, our first time to see a game his team actually finished w/o bein rushed.
Sigh, I want to play games... back to my essay. And wish me luck! If things go well, and somehow I get a chance to talk to her, I'll go up to her with my friend and start something... sad to say that I'm superficial and she's looking good lol love her hair and the way she dresses. She says "excuse me" "thank you", helped out in the concert, nice hair, hard worker, not afraid to ask for something she doesn't know... yeeee. I guess it's not that much based solely on her appearance :P
http://www.nintendo.co.jp/wii/sx4j/characters/index.html
These character designs look amazing.
I also discovered Sarah Àlainn's youtube ch and blog... I wonder how old she is so I can compare ourselves intellectually and where we're at in life lol... hope she's older than 25 or so, but she looks 21 or 22, sigh.
I think my shooting got better... when I practice, I must practice going up one on one against someone. Shoot open shots, pass when I don't or dribble ahead... I'm short, so I have to practice being like a point guard. Ray Allen and Paul Pierce do not miss any shots during practice. I must not miss any shots either!
I'm procrastinating again on my government essay as usual. I could never think of a thesis. This is why I hate essays. I don't like thinking up topics and researching, it just doesn't interest me and I lost credibility on everything anyways. AND I don't have much opinions on issues and such. Maybe I need to live by myself or something to form opinions that I'd be satisfied with... oh well, must write something though for 20+ points? I might not like my argument, but at least I'll follow the structure. My heart isn't in this, because I am not passionate about any issue.
I think I'll finish FFVIII ASAP, and right after, finishing up FFXII. I started FFX like two weeks ago if I didn't say that, and I'm not hooked. Maybe it's because I'm not that far into it, so past game series are drawing me in.
Last weekend I kept replaying and watching the endings of Xenosaga EPI and III. Is it bad that my favorite character is Wilhelm? The guy who watches the universe revolve around him, precisely calculating what's going to happen and what's going to end up as... except the sadist part, I don't like that characteristic about him, but his outlook is so amazing. chaos and Wilhelm, staying calm and when things aren't going there way, they don't respond with an over exaggerated reaction. chaos's eternal melancholic expression is intriguing as well, I wish more games have as good as a story and development as Xenosaga, which is why I'm looking forward to Xenoblade. I could tell that it's genuine, and the creator really crafted it with a passion. That's just by looking at reviews and trailers and screen shots and the website though. It's Takahashi, of course.
Jin Uzuki... the moment before he dies in the ending, he longs for the past, and never felt that way before. He wanted to go back. I wonder if that meant that he regret sacrificing himself to help Nephilim, Abel, chaos, and KOS-MOS. I feel the same way, even though I'm not going to die right now. I'm longing for the past. I didn't say spoilers, because that's not the true ending. Soraya Saga and Takahashi's ending is much different... I'm really curious to what their ending for the series is.
This is why I'm excited for Xenoblade. It's Takahashi's first, for us, our first time to see a game his team actually finished w/o bein rushed.
Sigh, I want to play games... back to my essay. And wish me luck! If things go well, and somehow I get a chance to talk to her, I'll go up to her with my friend and start something... sad to say that I'm superficial and she's looking good lol love her hair and the way she dresses. She says "excuse me" "thank you", helped out in the concert, nice hair, hard worker, not afraid to ask for something she doesn't know... yeeee. I guess it's not that much based solely on her appearance :P
Thursday, October 14, 2010
good mood.
I beat Adel! Finally... she had na-na-na-nothing on Selphie baby.
Shell on Rinoa. Regen on Rinoa. Auto-haste + 40% speed on Squall, normal attacking. Selphie + Cactuar + Recover. Zell + Curaga + Revive. It took me 30 minutes, four tries.
I think my stamina increased drastically. But it may be because of night, that I did not tire out easily.
Doing "basketball circles" really helps with the rhythm pertaining to free throw shots.
I like sleeping, I feel healthy.
And I feel like reading Prince of Tennis and watching The Girl Who Leap Through Time.
I also had another idea in my story thingie... where Deske cuts off his arm to prove that he doesn't care about himself, but it just shows he does anyway, because of what the bad guy says. And it's starting to feel a lot like Xenosaga, so I should back down a bit on the Gods and whutnot.
Received Mew, 10:07 AM, October 15, 2010.
I want to be confident as a pessimist and cynic, but cheerful and not contradictory at the same time. Au contraire... I just felt like saying au contraire.
"For love? Ridiculous. That has no value." -Wilhelm, Xenosaga EP. III
Yeay had a brain fart. Idea of a story would be... God's creation of the "love" concept was actually a mutation in the universal chain of time. BUAHAHA. And she comes down to destroy and erase the concept off existence. LOl and so our midget heroes will try to protect "love," by rebelling against God. I wonder if that has been done before...
And before the crisis happens, Deske falls in love with God, who is Leena, a human incarnation of God. She chose being human, because they seemed to be the most interesting species, and are different than the other "animals". She is also a whore, but a silent pianist and musician and whatever.... she plays strange tunes, which aren't rhythmatically connected at all, but for some strange reason, it flows well and Deske thinks that he understands her. And Deske falls in love with her so much! And there will be also other story arcs. Love triangles, science, with attacking microorganisms, the "big bacteria" that battles God... this is designed to be epic.
Oh yeah, and God doesn't wear makeup, but looks so naturally cute and intelligent, so Deske immediately falls for her, and is also the reason why he doesn't have much of a competition is that God is the quiet type that sits in a piano room all day playing the piano... or should it be organ.
Why do I feel that this story has been done before? =_= I hope not! omfg i feel like being awake and motivated. My part time story begins! wraahhhH
Shell on Rinoa. Regen on Rinoa. Auto-haste + 40% speed on Squall, normal attacking. Selphie + Cactuar + Recover. Zell + Curaga + Revive. It took me 30 minutes, four tries.
I think my stamina increased drastically. But it may be because of night, that I did not tire out easily.
Doing "basketball circles" really helps with the rhythm pertaining to free throw shots.
I like sleeping, I feel healthy.
And I feel like reading Prince of Tennis and watching The Girl Who Leap Through Time.
I also had another idea in my story thingie... where Deske cuts off his arm to prove that he doesn't care about himself, but it just shows he does anyway, because of what the bad guy says. And it's starting to feel a lot like Xenosaga, so I should back down a bit on the Gods and whutnot.
Received Mew, 10:07 AM, October 15, 2010.
I want to be confident as a pessimist and cynic, but cheerful and not contradictory at the same time. Au contraire... I just felt like saying au contraire.
"For love? Ridiculous. That has no value." -Wilhelm, Xenosaga EP. III
Yeay had a brain fart. Idea of a story would be... God's creation of the "love" concept was actually a mutation in the universal chain of time. BUAHAHA. And she comes down to destroy and erase the concept off existence. LOl and so our midget heroes will try to protect "love," by rebelling against God. I wonder if that has been done before...
And before the crisis happens, Deske falls in love with God, who is Leena, a human incarnation of God. She chose being human, because they seemed to be the most interesting species, and are different than the other "animals". She is also a whore, but a silent pianist and musician and whatever.... she plays strange tunes, which aren't rhythmatically connected at all, but for some strange reason, it flows well and Deske thinks that he understands her. And Deske falls in love with her so much! And there will be also other story arcs. Love triangles, science, with attacking microorganisms, the "big bacteria" that battles God... this is designed to be epic.
Oh yeah, and God doesn't wear makeup, but looks so naturally cute and intelligent, so Deske immediately falls for her, and is also the reason why he doesn't have much of a competition is that God is the quiet type that sits in a piano room all day playing the piano... or should it be organ.
Why do I feel that this story has been done before? =_= I hope not! omfg i feel like being awake and motivated. My part time story begins! wraahhhH
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
it is unfortunate.
If we don't plan on where we're going, we'll end up where we didn't plan on going.
Everyone's working hard on their goals. To make money, meet that special someone, gain some sort of status to show off to their friends. To support themselves.
Except me. I feel that my goal is to die. I only see death. No middle point, just death. Closest to death is torture. Passing a test is close to success. It's like the success in progress. Torturing oneself, is hurt, death is extreme hurt, thus it is the success after achieving consecutive 100%s on torture.
I will fail all my tests. I will destroy all my relationships. I'll build a wall over my island. I'll isolate myself. I'll make bad first impressions. I'll eliminate emotions except the feeling of melancholy.
It is unfortunate that I unconsciously care about my own well-being.
I tested our knives. The sharpest one seems to be the one with "R O G E R" engraved on the blade.
Everyone's working hard on their goals. To make money, meet that special someone, gain some sort of status to show off to their friends. To support themselves.
Except me. I feel that my goal is to die. I only see death. No middle point, just death. Closest to death is torture. Passing a test is close to success. It's like the success in progress. Torturing oneself, is hurt, death is extreme hurt, thus it is the success after achieving consecutive 100%s on torture.
I will fail all my tests. I will destroy all my relationships. I'll build a wall over my island. I'll isolate myself. I'll make bad first impressions. I'll eliminate emotions except the feeling of melancholy.
It is unfortunate that I unconsciously care about my own well-being.
I tested our knives. The sharpest one seems to be the one with "R O G E R" engraved on the blade.
daily rituals.
Wake up, and shoot some hoops.
Prepare for school.
Scales, sightread.
Then school! I shouldn't turn on my PC... well, maybe to blog if I don't feel like wasting any paper. I finally got my answer to the paper problem I've been wondering about for a long time. How can saving paper save trees when the paper is already made from the tree? With paper consumed as it is now, the supply for paper will remain constant, thus halting the rapid production of an excess of paper. Not using paper will keep the supply relatively high, thus companies will not make as much, as it won't be as cost efficient for them to spend money only to have extra paper. Therefore trees will be saved by its low demand.
So let's save paper! And use our carbon emitting PCs to do our dirty work. It's better than trees being cut down to release so much though. Hm, but one blog page handwritten is like 1/100000 of a tree. I wonder what the carbon emitting proportions would be for each typed thing to be handwritten compared to how long the PC releasing carbon to type the thing.
Way to get off topic again.
And Tiana Xiao's intelligence is so sexy.
I swear I have ADHD. It's not my surroundings though, it's my own friggin head, so at least I have a slight resistance to solitary confinement!
I keep getting mad and frustrated at home.
But at least I keep silent. I don’t know, do I need more calcium? Do I need friends? What’s missing… sure not everyone will not piss me off, but this is just crazy. I get mad at the smallest things, and I don’t want to get mad at the smallest things. I want to be calm with that neutral expression all the time. Sigh. What do I have to train myself to do to have no emotions? Watch shows that kill people over and over? Then what if I turn into a killer? I look calm, but I am not calm.
My Professor in Critical Thinking answered my question! It was the one about what he thinks about the quote; “Ignorance is bliss” , which is actually from “Where ignorance is bliss, ‘Tis folly to be wise.” I did not get everything he said down, though I did capture something about hiding from the truth when you know it’s there. He asked rhetorically “only in fantasy can make you happy?” No matter how much we hide from it, it’s there when you know it. I like how he connected it to individual humans rather than the world tied up together. There was much more that he said about it… I’ll ask him about cynical people next time the class has an opportunity to ask a question in the 1 minute papers.
Prepare for school.
Scales, sightread.
Then school! I shouldn't turn on my PC... well, maybe to blog if I don't feel like wasting any paper. I finally got my answer to the paper problem I've been wondering about for a long time. How can saving paper save trees when the paper is already made from the tree? With paper consumed as it is now, the supply for paper will remain constant, thus halting the rapid production of an excess of paper. Not using paper will keep the supply relatively high, thus companies will not make as much, as it won't be as cost efficient for them to spend money only to have extra paper. Therefore trees will be saved by its low demand.
So let's save paper! And use our carbon emitting PCs to do our dirty work. It's better than trees being cut down to release so much though. Hm, but one blog page handwritten is like 1/100000 of a tree. I wonder what the carbon emitting proportions would be for each typed thing to be handwritten compared to how long the PC releasing carbon to type the thing.
Way to get off topic again.
And Tiana Xiao's intelligence is so sexy.
I swear I have ADHD. It's not my surroundings though, it's my own friggin head, so at least I have a slight resistance to solitary confinement!
I keep getting mad and frustrated at home.
But at least I keep silent. I don’t know, do I need more calcium? Do I need friends? What’s missing… sure not everyone will not piss me off, but this is just crazy. I get mad at the smallest things, and I don’t want to get mad at the smallest things. I want to be calm with that neutral expression all the time. Sigh. What do I have to train myself to do to have no emotions? Watch shows that kill people over and over? Then what if I turn into a killer? I look calm, but I am not calm.
My Professor in Critical Thinking answered my question! It was the one about what he thinks about the quote; “Ignorance is bliss” , which is actually from “Where ignorance is bliss, ‘Tis folly to be wise.” I did not get everything he said down, though I did capture something about hiding from the truth when you know it’s there. He asked rhetorically “only in fantasy can make you happy?” No matter how much we hide from it, it’s there when you know it. I like how he connected it to individual humans rather than the world tied up together. There was much more that he said about it… I’ll ask him about cynical people next time the class has an opportunity to ask a question in the 1 minute papers.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
bad day. maybe tomorrow.
My piano teacher said that I'm a waste of existence because I'm not doing sight reading properly... in front of that one girl.
And we turned back from Downer because I felt like I would be a stranger with no college ID.
Bad day.
But playing basketball made it all better. I feel like I'm good at something when I swish all my shots. My shooting accuracy isn't 100% though, it's like 60-70%. 80% if I concentrate probably.
I shall add a reminder that Mew is available through Pokemon.com this Friday.
And I'm typing another sentence here so I won't skip the bold.
The days not over yet, I have a lot of work to do.
Why do I have to be so sensitive? =_=
At least I don't show it lol
Cheerio.
And we turned back from Downer because I felt like I would be a stranger with no college ID.
Bad day.
But playing basketball made it all better. I feel like I'm good at something when I swish all my shots. My shooting accuracy isn't 100% though, it's like 60-70%. 80% if I concentrate probably.
I shall add a reminder that Mew is available through Pokemon.com this Friday.
And I'm typing another sentence here so I won't skip the bold.
The days not over yet, I have a lot of work to do.
Why do I have to be so sensitive? =_=
At least I don't show it lol
Cheerio.
Monday, October 11, 2010
i gots a keyboard...
In my room! Lightly nifty. Picture soon, after my camera is finished chargin! R-Blade!
It's right next to my PC so I can practice my scales and SR while I wait until my PC finishes it's favorite activity; lagging, which is fairly often. And I like it!
Anyways, I don't want the hero to be cynical anymore. There will be a cynical character, but he won't be the main. I guess it'll be more like an FFVI with no mains, or a switch in the middle of the story... like a Terra to Celes. Or a switch in between like a Squall and Laguna. Or Felt and Vesse. Whatever! I'm falling in love with my character creations though lol, I don't want them to die.
If my ear gets any worse, I'm blaming it on Dr. Johnson.
Going to head down to Downer tomorrow... hope I get the job! And I hope I'll be a good group leader. Just gotta talk loud, coz I'm in charge this time!
Oh, and I perfected my Critical Thinking quiz. I REALLY thought I'd miss one, because I wrote "a premise" but afterwords I knew it should have been "a premise or more". WHEW. Why am I so satisfied with getting a good grade? I guess it's the same as someone judging me, like getting a "you're cool!". g'awww thank you! But no thanks, coz even though praise may feel good, I'll only grow with critical disagreement responses, so BRING IT ON!!! But it's done, and I got a perfect score. Must. Fight this selfishness of getting a good score, because why should I be happy when there are children in Africa being starved at this very moment... child abuse in a corner in Richmond, depressed children... neglected children... GRAAAH. It sucks because I can do something about this, and hopefully I won't make it worse.
And Professor Ampim said that the best way to prevent a divorce is to not get married lol. I think at his level, Dr. Dang, Ledbetter, Barnes, OMG so many great professors... they are the ideal teachers to be. I am glad I am or took their class to experience their godliness.
Excuse my optimism. I must gradually make my mood transition to elementary school teacher, excited for learning... how I think this optimism acting is best suited for the job.
It's right next to my PC so I can practice my scales and SR while I wait until my PC finishes it's favorite activity; lagging, which is fairly often. And I like it!
Anyways, I don't want the hero to be cynical anymore. There will be a cynical character, but he won't be the main. I guess it'll be more like an FFVI with no mains, or a switch in the middle of the story... like a Terra to Celes. Or a switch in between like a Squall and Laguna. Or Felt and Vesse. Whatever! I'm falling in love with my character creations though lol, I don't want them to die.
If my ear gets any worse, I'm blaming it on Dr. Johnson.
Going to head down to Downer tomorrow... hope I get the job! And I hope I'll be a good group leader. Just gotta talk loud, coz I'm in charge this time!
Oh, and I perfected my Critical Thinking quiz. I REALLY thought I'd miss one, because I wrote "a premise" but afterwords I knew it should have been "a premise or more". WHEW. Why am I so satisfied with getting a good grade? I guess it's the same as someone judging me, like getting a "you're cool!". g'awww thank you! But no thanks, coz even though praise may feel good, I'll only grow with critical disagreement responses, so BRING IT ON!!! But it's done, and I got a perfect score. Must. Fight this selfishness of getting a good score, because why should I be happy when there are children in Africa being starved at this very moment... child abuse in a corner in Richmond, depressed children... neglected children... GRAAAH. It sucks because I can do something about this, and hopefully I won't make it worse.
And Professor Ampim said that the best way to prevent a divorce is to not get married lol. I think at his level, Dr. Dang, Ledbetter, Barnes, OMG so many great professors... they are the ideal teachers to be. I am glad I am or took their class to experience their godliness.
Excuse my optimism. I must gradually make my mood transition to elementary school teacher, excited for learning... how I think this optimism acting is best suited for the job.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
jrpgs.
rpgs finished: Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy II, Final Fantasy IV, Final Fantasy VI, Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy IX, Chrono Trigger, Chrono Cross, Super Mario RPG, Paper Mario, Legend of Mana, Sword of Mana, Golden Sun, Golden Sun The Lost Age, Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts II, Atelier Iris Eternal Mana, Atelier Iris 2 Azoth of Destiny, Atelier Iris 3 Grand Phantasm, Mana Khemia, Mana Khemia 2, Ar Tonelico, Ar Tonelico 2, Persona 3: FES, Persona 4, Xenosaga Episode 1, Xenosaga Episode 2, Xenosaga Episode 3, La Pucelle, Pokemon Red, Pokemon Silver, Pokemon Crystal, Pokemon Sapphire, Pokemon Diamond, Pokemon Platinum, Pokemon SoulSilver, Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Red Rescue Team.
not completed, but over 50%: Dragon Quest VIII, Final Fantasy V, Final Fantasy VIII, Final Fantasy XII, Lufia 2, Grandia, The World Ends With You, Lunar: Dragon Song, Harvest Moon: Back to Nature.
own: Samurai Legend Musashi, Evolution, Evolution 2, Timestalkers, Skies of Arcadia, Grandia 2, Phantom Brave, Okage, Dragon Warrior Monsters Tara's Adventure.
started out, with only a few hours in: Star Ocean III, Final Fantasy X, Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga.
have access to: Suikoden III, Suikoden IV, Suikoden Tetris w/e, Grandia III, Grandia Xtreme, Wild Arms II, Wild Arms III, Wild Arms IV, Dark Cloud, Dark Cloud 2, Devil Summoner 2, Final Fantasy X-2, Final Fantasy Tactics, Legend of Dragoon, Brave Fencer Musashi, Disgaea, Chaos Wars, Nightmare of Druaga, Breath of Fire V, Romancing Saga, Unlimited Saga, Dragon Quest, Dragon Quest II, Dragon Quest III, Dragon Quest IV, Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones.
want: Shadow Hearts, Digital Devil Saga, Xenogears, Parasite Eve.
not completed, but over 50%: Dragon Quest VIII, Final Fantasy V, Final Fantasy VIII, Final Fantasy XII, Lufia 2, Grandia, The World Ends With You, Lunar: Dragon Song, Harvest Moon: Back to Nature.
own: Samurai Legend Musashi, Evolution, Evolution 2, Timestalkers, Skies of Arcadia, Grandia 2, Phantom Brave, Okage, Dragon Warrior Monsters Tara's Adventure.
started out, with only a few hours in: Star Ocean III, Final Fantasy X, Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga.
have access to: Suikoden III, Suikoden IV, Suikoden Tetris w/e, Grandia III, Grandia Xtreme, Wild Arms II, Wild Arms III, Wild Arms IV, Dark Cloud, Dark Cloud 2, Devil Summoner 2, Final Fantasy X-2, Final Fantasy Tactics, Legend of Dragoon, Brave Fencer Musashi, Disgaea, Chaos Wars, Nightmare of Druaga, Breath of Fire V, Romancing Saga, Unlimited Saga, Dragon Quest, Dragon Quest II, Dragon Quest III, Dragon Quest IV, Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones.
want: Shadow Hearts, Digital Devil Saga, Xenogears, Parasite Eve.
Friday, October 8, 2010
need to focus. and think about the future.
Obsessed with Lufia 2.
Playing FFX.
Stuck on Adel on FFVIII. I keep killing Rinoa.
Failed Exotic Ethic.
Had 2 chances, but missed them. First chance, I didn't recognize her LOL. Second, I was passed back a paper when she was passing by me and I was embarrassed of my -30 LOL.
Piano is fun.
Oklahoma VS Miami was a disappoint. Wade wasn't even playing and they still lost... but maybe it would be different if the starters played most of the time. Oh well. These rookies are unpredictable.
That is all.
Playing FFX.
Stuck on Adel on FFVIII. I keep killing Rinoa.
Failed Exotic Ethic.
Had 2 chances, but missed them. First chance, I didn't recognize her LOL. Second, I was passed back a paper when she was passing by me and I was embarrassed of my -30 LOL.
Piano is fun.
Oklahoma VS Miami was a disappoint. Wade wasn't even playing and they still lost... but maybe it would be different if the starters played most of the time. Oh well. These rookies are unpredictable.
That is all.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
another...
unproductive day! LOL
Man Phoenix Suns... they need a big guy.
Boston's line up is crazy.
jaskdl;fj!
I've been looking at other people's blogs. Those people that are my age. I am getting so old!
Man Phoenix Suns... they need a big guy.
Boston's line up is crazy.
jaskdl;fj!
I've been looking at other people's blogs. Those people that are my age. I am getting so old!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
feel like rereading harry potter.
And I feel like writing my own story. I'll treat it like my child, and that I would add gradually to how I feel and such, except right now it's been lined up as an RPG game with the music and boss battles... and characters that look like advertisements.
EDIT.
Main character's name is Deske. I thought of the name while I was sitting down in a chair in the library, and a desk happens to be in front of me. So, it's Deske!
He's going to be really cynical.
And he falls in love with this music major. Forgot her name though.. was it like Leena? Anyways she really hates the world, and she's a whore. And then events happen, and they join a party of people of different majors, and that music major girl happens to be part of this opposing organization, as she was a spy all along. And near the end she is revealed to be God.
Deske: ILY
Leena: Why?
Deske: It's a feeling, stupid. IDK why.
And then we'll shift to... forgot what I named the other guy. Hmm, how about Boss.
Boss: ILY
Girl he lieks: Why?
Boss: *lists all things why he loves her*
Girl: *REJECTS*
Yeah, it's the same story as the one a few months ago, just changing stuff up, line up ideas, and then start writing!
I want their names to be something google don't have much results for.
Mystery. Action. Romance.
EDIT.
Main character's name is Deske. I thought of the name while I was sitting down in a chair in the library, and a desk happens to be in front of me. So, it's Deske!
He's going to be really cynical.
And he falls in love with this music major. Forgot her name though.. was it like Leena? Anyways she really hates the world, and she's a whore. And then events happen, and they join a party of people of different majors, and that music major girl happens to be part of this opposing organization, as she was a spy all along. And near the end she is revealed to be God.
Deske: ILY
Leena: Why?
Deske: It's a feeling, stupid. IDK why.
And then we'll shift to... forgot what I named the other guy. Hmm, how about Boss.
Boss: ILY
Girl he lieks: Why?
Boss: *lists all things why he loves her*
Girl: *REJECTS*
Yeah, it's the same story as the one a few months ago, just changing stuff up, line up ideas, and then start writing!
I want their names to be something google don't have much results for.
Mystery. Action. Romance.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
empty shell?
Regardless of this bad day, I feel so motivated.
And I realized that I don't have opinions. I know I have some deep down, but there are some that I truly don't wish to express.
This weekend I need to:
Practice Piano
Dermatologist appointment
Write down Oral Speech for History
Read Gov ch 6 and ch5 on California today
Think of a topic that I have an opinion on
Review Arguments
Think of when I'm going to visit elementary schools: 1. Fairmont, 2. Woodrow Wilson, 3. Mira Vista. And think of questions I may have to ask Professor Gottesman.
Think of what to wear for that 3 o'clock thing because she will be there. And I have to say hi. LOL
-
It's happening to me again. I have this REALLY heavy crush. omfg. But it's going to push me to work hard in school, and the result will make my parents happier! So it's a positive thing either way I guess. I don't know, I'll feel like I'm living though.
And I realized that I don't have opinions. I know I have some deep down, but there are some that I truly don't wish to express.
This weekend I need to:
Practice Piano
Dermatologist appointment
Write down Oral Speech for History
Read Gov ch 6 and ch5 on California today
Think of a topic that I have an opinion on
Review Arguments
Think of when I'm going to visit elementary schools: 1. Fairmont, 2. Woodrow Wilson, 3. Mira Vista. And think of questions I may have to ask Professor Gottesman.
Think of what to wear for that 3 o'clock thing because she will be there. And I have to say hi. LOL
-
It's happening to me again. I have this REALLY heavy crush. omfg. But it's going to push me to work hard in school, and the result will make my parents happier! So it's a positive thing either way I guess. I don't know, I'll feel like I'm living though.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
case closed.
I think the reason why I was holding on for so long, is because I felt like I was the perfect one. We complemented each other in so many ways, and I just had a feeling that we could be together. I may not reflect who I am in this other world, but it was just something deep down, and I could feel, and know what kind of person she is. I had that hope, and that certainty that it would work out. Now I know it's not like that, and other people are so different in judging others. I think, this is the reason, and now I can finally let it go.
I never knew her. I felt that we would know each other. I was too inner confident about it, only to get a peculiar result that I haven't anticipated. Too much inner confidence destroys, especially keeping in mind that being humble is the way to go.
I'm hopping onto the bandwagon, and living life for my own well-being. I know I've been doing this unconsciously, but now I'll make sure I realize it. With this, fused with living life for something else, I'd feel... I don't know how I would feel, but I'll do whatever from now on to find out!
No more looking for you. No more waiting for you to come. No more hopes. This is it. Thank you for occupying my time. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for making me so happy during those times. Thank you for being you. I can move on now. Thank you again. Thank you for everything. I'm not going to do anything to rekindle our relationship ever again.
I never knew her. I felt that we would know each other. I was too inner confident about it, only to get a peculiar result that I haven't anticipated. Too much inner confidence destroys, especially keeping in mind that being humble is the way to go.
I'm hopping onto the bandwagon, and living life for my own well-being. I know I've been doing this unconsciously, but now I'll make sure I realize it. With this, fused with living life for something else, I'd feel... I don't know how I would feel, but I'll do whatever from now on to find out!
No more looking for you. No more waiting for you to come. No more hopes. This is it. Thank you for occupying my time. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for making me so happy during those times. Thank you for being you. I can move on now. Thank you again. Thank you for everything. I'm not going to do anything to rekindle our relationship ever again.
Monday, September 27, 2010
making my shots.
I'm more energized when it's dark. I wish everyone was awake so I don't have to worry about waking anyone up when I play basketball at night. Though, all I'm approving upon are my shots. The rough terrain has made me adapt to stand in place and shoot, so I'm evolving without dribbling skills. Sorta like a Tyrogue. With higher defense than attack, it would transform into Hitmonchan. With more attack, it becomes Hitmonlee. Being neutral, would make it a Hitmontop. I'll suffer in a one on one, because I can't get near the court, and I'd have no choice but to shoot with someone guarding me.
I think the reason why I'm not approving on my piano is that I'm not playing songs I like. Thanks to Riulyn and Shimapiano, I finally have sheet music that I'd actually want to play, and I'd actually know how the song is actually supposed to sound like. Songs from Donkey Kong Country, Donkey Kong Country 2, Legend of Mana, and Lufia 2 so far. I'll see how I do with that.
I'll concentrate on approving my speech by participating more in class. It's an opportunity. The professor benefits because someone is participating, as well as myself, for actually talking. I also notice that, after I speak, I lose focus. I'm thinking about what I have said, and I'm thinking what they said to me, so the next five minutes or so, my attention is on those now, memories. I guess that's another side-affect of being quiet.
Things I'll have in my classroom: Professor Layton Poster (with a "Critical thinking is the key to a success" caption. Simpsons poster with that "read man, read" insignia. The same one from Ms. Headington's class, because the class needs to read. I'll enforce SSR, reading logic, math, presentations, and... more SSR. And I'll read Hardy Boys to the class. Excuse me for getting slightly off topic. I also want a poster that says "educere means to bring out" with a Super Saiyan next to it.
What else... Detective Conan poster of course. Something Pokemon. I'll have a couple of Chess sets. And I'll need a couple of basketballs. Actually, I'll bring one, for use only when I play with them or when I'm on yard duty.
I'll also have a lot of plants. To absorb the carbon from my student's computer brains buahahaa ahem. But I will have a lot of plants. Hopefully they won't die.
Then I have the thoughts on how to get there from here. My very first step should be finding a place for my volunteer hours to get a taste of it. This will be a third bite. Hopefully it won't be a mistake, in that reflection in which I get tired of eating the same food over and over. But then again, each class will be different? It's always the same set of kids. The clown, the quiet one, and all those in between. Hmm I won't know, unless I take my first step though. And I really wanted to end this entry with "hopefully they won't die." Oh well.
I think the reason why I'm not approving on my piano is that I'm not playing songs I like. Thanks to Riulyn and Shimapiano, I finally have sheet music that I'd actually want to play, and I'd actually know how the song is actually supposed to sound like. Songs from Donkey Kong Country, Donkey Kong Country 2, Legend of Mana, and Lufia 2 so far. I'll see how I do with that.
I'll concentrate on approving my speech by participating more in class. It's an opportunity. The professor benefits because someone is participating, as well as myself, for actually talking. I also notice that, after I speak, I lose focus. I'm thinking about what I have said, and I'm thinking what they said to me, so the next five minutes or so, my attention is on those now, memories. I guess that's another side-affect of being quiet.
Things I'll have in my classroom: Professor Layton Poster (with a "Critical thinking is the key to a success" caption. Simpsons poster with that "read man, read" insignia. The same one from Ms. Headington's class, because the class needs to read. I'll enforce SSR, reading logic, math, presentations, and... more SSR. And I'll read Hardy Boys to the class. Excuse me for getting slightly off topic. I also want a poster that says "educere means to bring out" with a Super Saiyan next to it.
What else... Detective Conan poster of course. Something Pokemon. I'll have a couple of Chess sets. And I'll need a couple of basketballs. Actually, I'll bring one, for use only when I play with them or when I'm on yard duty.
I'll also have a lot of plants. To absorb the carbon from my student's computer brains buahahaa ahem. But I will have a lot of plants. Hopefully they won't die.
Then I have the thoughts on how to get there from here. My very first step should be finding a place for my volunteer hours to get a taste of it. This will be a third bite. Hopefully it won't be a mistake, in that reflection in which I get tired of eating the same food over and over. But then again, each class will be different? It's always the same set of kids. The clown, the quiet one, and all those in between. Hmm I won't know, unless I take my first step though. And I really wanted to end this entry with "hopefully they won't die." Oh well.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
repost (restart my heart)
Post in that site reminded me.
Every. Single. Time. I check any signs to see if she actually cared, and if she still thinks of it. It's just not going away. I guess I'm not doing my best in ridding these thoughts. I am reminded in almost situation of her. When I'm happy, I think of how much happier I was when she was in my life. When I'm in a situation where I'm supposed to feel sad, I feel indifferent. Stoic. In that I felt a stronger feeling of melancholy in which she influenced. I like how I worded that previous sentence. I'm not blaming her for anything, and she isn't to be blamed. Anyways, every feeling, will be compared to love and nothing can compare. At least for now.
Nobody knows.
But that's okay. It's over here. I'm exposing myself so easily... well, no one reads this so that's why. That's why it's okay.
That is all. Now I'm going back to my normal self. Booyaka. Probably my last depressed post, hopefully. Worst thing that I've been doing is not learning from my mistakes. But then again, every situation is different so it's so difficult, especially in an attempt to be honest, and true to myself. I'm tending to do what feels like. And then I think, not to mix it up with being lazy, and being honest. Whatever. I'm going to do something now so I don't think like this.
I've been tempted to play a game with current graphics. I'm thinking of an MMORPG. Tataros Online, Final Fantasy XIV... my PC can't handle either of those. It looks refreshing. Hm, whatever, I don't really need to play those. I'll be repeating a mistake, maybe, if I do. MapleStory... it's not really a mistake but it's just that I lost certain stuff in the process, like the all you can learn buffet, free textbooks in high school for instance. I'm getting experience I don't need in things that I could have prevented. And really, deep down I don't want to change either... for now.
These posts feel like high school. I'm only this way from the side affects of love. Or whatever it was.
ALSO, have to remind myself that I lose all my friends when I'm in that state.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
things I should start.
1. Finish Final Fantasy VIII
2. Finish Final Fantasy XII
3. Finish Final Fantasy V
4. Professor Layton 2
5. Final Fantasy III
6. Etrian Odyssey
7. Lufia 2
8. Live a Live
9. Find an article for History.
10. Study for Government.
11. Find a school.
12. Apply for graduation.
Just kidding. Number 1, should be finding an article. I'll find one by tonight, and I'll start the essay portion of it tonight. Then I'll do my critical thinking homework. Actually, I'll do critical thinking first, and then I'll look for an article. October is the red month, when I have to do things that are due later on otherwise they'll never be done, and the result will "not be me". But in a sense, it is me, signifying how I put assigned priorities of mine as truly last.
On second thought, I think I'll finish FFVIII and then Grandia. Then concentrate 100% on FFV. Ugh, I feel like I have to play so many games even though I don't really want to. It's not addiction, because I can stop. It's like I'm playing to avoid something. Thump thump thump (random Waddle Dee from Meta Knight's Revenge popped up in my head).
2. Finish Final Fantasy XII
3. Finish Final Fantasy V
4. Professor Layton 2
5. Final Fantasy III
6. Etrian Odyssey
7. Lufia 2
8. Live a Live
9. Find an article for History.
10. Study for Government.
11. Find a school.
12. Apply for graduation.
Just kidding. Number 1, should be finding an article. I'll find one by tonight, and I'll start the essay portion of it tonight. Then I'll do my critical thinking homework. Actually, I'll do critical thinking first, and then I'll look for an article. October is the red month, when I have to do things that are due later on otherwise they'll never be done, and the result will "not be me". But in a sense, it is me, signifying how I put assigned priorities of mine as truly last.
On second thought, I think I'll finish FFVIII and then Grandia. Then concentrate 100% on FFV. Ugh, I feel like I have to play so many games even though I don't really want to. It's not addiction, because I can stop. It's like I'm playing to avoid something. Thump thump thump (random Waddle Dee from Meta Knight's Revenge popped up in my head).
Thursday, September 23, 2010
teaching.
My instructor for my education training classes has been teaching for 35 years, I was in his last class before he retires. He said that he never felt that he was doing something wrong in the world as he was teaching, and that he liked how he did something he cared about, and not doing something he didn't care about. It's not exactly what he said, I'm putting words in his mouth, but it's among the lines of it. I thought it was inspiring.
I also helped my neighbor understand stuff for Government. I felt good because she said I explained it well, or at least I lined it up for her to understand well.
I did O.K. in piano. I guess I'm getting better, it's just that I never liked thinking, and starting out requires so much thinking. And I don't like thinking, especially for piano, which doesn't look like it requires thinking, but obviously, for beginners like me, it's what I should do.
Concepts first, or memorize first? Step 1, memorize. Step 2, understand. Step 3, evaluation. Is it the same with kids? I know, with me, it's memorize first. However, I wasn't the best in my class. So for students to be good, I guess understanding is the way to go, but I know, for me personally, understanding takes a long process of life's experiences. Therefore, I'll go my way and be comfortable with just the memorization segment.
I think I need a master's degree to be hired at a school. What should I major in...
On FINAL FANTASY VIII disk 2. LUFIA 2, LIVE A LIVE, FINAL FANTASY V on standby.
I also helped my neighbor understand stuff for Government. I felt good because she said I explained it well, or at least I lined it up for her to understand well.
I did O.K. in piano. I guess I'm getting better, it's just that I never liked thinking, and starting out requires so much thinking. And I don't like thinking, especially for piano, which doesn't look like it requires thinking, but obviously, for beginners like me, it's what I should do.
Concepts first, or memorize first? Step 1, memorize. Step 2, understand. Step 3, evaluation. Is it the same with kids? I know, with me, it's memorize first. However, I wasn't the best in my class. So for students to be good, I guess understanding is the way to go, but I know, for me personally, understanding takes a long process of life's experiences. Therefore, I'll go my way and be comfortable with just the memorization segment.
I think I need a master's degree to be hired at a school. What should I major in...
On FINAL FANTASY VIII disk 2. LUFIA 2, LIVE A LIVE, FINAL FANTASY V on standby.
Monday, September 20, 2010
puzzle 20.
I am stumped. Why isn't the answer $80? The last answer I put was the right answer out of 4 attempts. Though I have the answer right, I am still not satisfied until I understand why my guess is correct.
Omg, I realized what I did wrong on my first try after being away from it for awhile. It was so obvious, I should have organized my work better.
I need to finish FFXII and then X, so I can finally replay Kingdom Hearts.. lol. I've been watching the intro for Birth By Sleep. I think I want that game. But that also means that I need to upgrade my PSP. I have the old fat PSP from 2004, and it's still at version 1.5 (just so that I can play old Gameboy ROMS and SNES)... maybe I should upgrade it after I finish Final Fantasy V, which I started a few years ago but never finished. I'm just not hooked to that game.
It takes me so long to start a paper.
Anyways, Oprah's episode featured teachers. It's inspiring. I hope my way of teaching is effective. I'm feeling nervous now because I have yet to meet a teacher like myself; a teacher with my kind of style. And then there are the thoughts of how I'm going to teach Spanish only speaking students. Most likely I'll land a job in some ghetto elementary school. But they need good teachers like myself the most anyways, I have to change that way of thinking.
And I have to show that I'm capable of being an excellent student myself by focusing on this paper.
Day transitions to night at 2000.
I like writing in this everyday regardless of how much I'd want to try to keep myself quiet, and how much I don't like hearing myself talk, or just seeing words of mine in general. Even if no one reads this. I've always kept a blog each year, but they get lost within the depths of deleted content. From 2004-05, I used Xanga and posted MapleStory adventures. I guess I gave up 2005-2006, my true emotional year. I came back 2006-2008 with a peculiar attitude that I try to forget because I don't like myself those years, mind it's quite embarrassing if I say so myself. In the year of 2009, people reading this always influence my decisions of what to post, so my mind escaped from being too personal. I'm striving to make this personal so I can reflect on it. This is 2010, and that's what I'm going to try to do.
It's been 6 years. I still feel like my writing hasn't improved, and it hasn't improved. What can I do? Just be genuine, I guess? Not that I'm here to become a better writer. So why did I even say that in the first place. HmmM.
Omg, I realized what I did wrong on my first try after being away from it for awhile. It was so obvious, I should have organized my work better.
I need to finish FFXII and then X, so I can finally replay Kingdom Hearts.. lol. I've been watching the intro for Birth By Sleep. I think I want that game. But that also means that I need to upgrade my PSP. I have the old fat PSP from 2004, and it's still at version 1.5 (just so that I can play old Gameboy ROMS and SNES)... maybe I should upgrade it after I finish Final Fantasy V, which I started a few years ago but never finished. I'm just not hooked to that game.
It takes me so long to start a paper.
Anyways, Oprah's episode featured teachers. It's inspiring. I hope my way of teaching is effective. I'm feeling nervous now because I have yet to meet a teacher like myself; a teacher with my kind of style. And then there are the thoughts of how I'm going to teach Spanish only speaking students. Most likely I'll land a job in some ghetto elementary school. But they need good teachers like myself the most anyways, I have to change that way of thinking.
And I have to show that I'm capable of being an excellent student myself by focusing on this paper.
Day transitions to night at 2000.
I like writing in this everyday regardless of how much I'd want to try to keep myself quiet, and how much I don't like hearing myself talk, or just seeing words of mine in general. Even if no one reads this. I've always kept a blog each year, but they get lost within the depths of deleted content. From 2004-05, I used Xanga and posted MapleStory adventures. I guess I gave up 2005-2006, my true emotional year. I came back 2006-2008 with a peculiar attitude that I try to forget because I don't like myself those years, mind it's quite embarrassing if I say so myself. In the year of 2009, people reading this always influence my decisions of what to post, so my mind escaped from being too personal. I'm striving to make this personal so I can reflect on it. This is 2010, and that's what I'm going to try to do.
It's been 6 years. I still feel like my writing hasn't improved, and it hasn't improved. What can I do? Just be genuine, I guess? Not that I'm here to become a better writer. So why did I even say that in the first place. HmmM.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
wished I actually cared about Spanish class. and FINAL FANTASY VIII
... but I still would've took French if I were to go back.
I received a call from Downer Elementary School in San Pablo. They could schedule me an interview so I can be an After School Group leader. However, I researched the school, and it's rank 1 on API, meaning it's in the lowest percentile in meeting California's academic standards. Should I go for it? It's 90% Hispanics. What if I can make that school in the top 90 though? I shouldn't give up based on what I've researched. I haven't been to the campus yet either, though It's probably near Richmond High. Sigh, I'd have to put a lot of emphasis on actual teaching. I guess I can try it and see. I can't turn these students down (though the students themselves didn't ask to be taught), it's my duty as a future teacher (possibly) to make sure children don't falter in a young age, and to engrave in their minds infinite critical thinking experience and abilities so they can overcome obstacles in the future. It's my job, right? If I actually WANT to be a teacher, I should go for it, right? Because everyone can teach the fortunate. It's them who NEEDS other examples of a complete adult (though I'm not a good example, but I can try to be, and maybe I can be one once I work there).
I'm getting sucked into Final Fantasy VIII more than XII now. I'm digging the story as well as the music. And I don't have to grind. My brother picked up the strategy guide from the junkyard... I don't know if I should or should not use it. I wasn't in the beginning, however I got stuck on this time limit boss and I got scared that I would be wasting 30 minutes (though I'm wasting more than 30 minutes by just playing this game) by losing to the timer. My favorite character is Selphie so far... she even has an online journal just like me.
As of Final Fantasy XII, I need more Gil to enhance my equipment. My character levels are okay I guess, except that I have to really run away when I come across an Elemental. All my character levels are even, except Ashe, who I'm keeping in my party to see what level "I would be" if I kept a selected party of three, the same three throughout the game. I bought a Stone bow, and about 2 minutes later, regretted that purchase because of a Burning Bow with better stats was being sold at a shop 1 minute away. So I lost about 5k Gil.
Now I shall utilized my critical thinking abilities acquired from Professor Layton to figure out an IRL puzzle. I'm trying to play DOUBLE in DDR, except my only setback is that my dance pads keep moving around, and in this mode, there will an increased likelihood of twisting my ankle. I "missed" the down arrow, literally, stomping on the floor part with miscalculations. My dance pad is elevated about 2 inches from my carpeted floor, so I can definitely feel the difference, and a worry that I will twist it if I continue to play like this... especially since I'm just starting out, I'm not used to stepping so lightly and such. Now, the pads have zippers. The pads are like a case, and inside it, contains a big thick cushion, that makes it a borderline hard-soft pad. Maybe I can tie one cushion to another pad's cushion somehow, and zip it up, only to leave a hole for the rope or strap that's connecting the other pad. I just have to figure out what item I can use to make them stick together. Once again, I'll have a ghetto way of getting what I want.
Sigh I'm talking about games lolz. I better start my analytical essay soon... it's due in 2 days. I think It'll take me approximately five hours to complete. I'll engage in that when my parents come home so they won't see me playing games.
Dictionary.com's word of the day is jactation. It's a noun. And wordpress underlines it because it's misspelled, though it's spelled like this in the dictionary.com website. Oh well, I'll just not use that word.
Another thought occurred to me as I reminisce my childhood. I never seen teachers walking around in shops and whatnot. Are they in hiding?
Do I really want to be a teacher? My thoughts are so jumbled. I have so much mixed feelings, and I feel like I'm skipping a step in my life. A step that I have to experience before my eyes are completely on this prize. Maybe its my craving desire for complete independence. I should have realized that I can't fight certain urges back then, especially things that I really could have done in the past that could have resulted in a 100% coup de grace. But then again, I'll be independent far in the future anyway, is it really that worth it? I feel that I'm missing so much that I should be experiencing at my age. Hopefully I stay looking young at least (people still mistake me for a high school student).
It's also getting dark pretty fast. It is 6:30 and the sun is setting. Fall is coming soon. I faced a whole season without her since we met, and I didn't die. But then again, being dead must be more relieving than the process of dying or being killed, right?
I received a call from Downer Elementary School in San Pablo. They could schedule me an interview so I can be an After School Group leader. However, I researched the school, and it's rank 1 on API, meaning it's in the lowest percentile in meeting California's academic standards. Should I go for it? It's 90% Hispanics. What if I can make that school in the top 90 though? I shouldn't give up based on what I've researched. I haven't been to the campus yet either, though It's probably near Richmond High. Sigh, I'd have to put a lot of emphasis on actual teaching. I guess I can try it and see. I can't turn these students down (though the students themselves didn't ask to be taught), it's my duty as a future teacher (possibly) to make sure children don't falter in a young age, and to engrave in their minds infinite critical thinking experience and abilities so they can overcome obstacles in the future. It's my job, right? If I actually WANT to be a teacher, I should go for it, right? Because everyone can teach the fortunate. It's them who NEEDS other examples of a complete adult (though I'm not a good example, but I can try to be, and maybe I can be one once I work there).
I'm getting sucked into Final Fantasy VIII more than XII now. I'm digging the story as well as the music. And I don't have to grind. My brother picked up the strategy guide from the junkyard... I don't know if I should or should not use it. I wasn't in the beginning, however I got stuck on this time limit boss and I got scared that I would be wasting 30 minutes (though I'm wasting more than 30 minutes by just playing this game) by losing to the timer. My favorite character is Selphie so far... she even has an online journal just like me.
As of Final Fantasy XII, I need more Gil to enhance my equipment. My character levels are okay I guess, except that I have to really run away when I come across an Elemental. All my character levels are even, except Ashe, who I'm keeping in my party to see what level "I would be" if I kept a selected party of three, the same three throughout the game. I bought a Stone bow, and about 2 minutes later, regretted that purchase because of a Burning Bow with better stats was being sold at a shop 1 minute away. So I lost about 5k Gil.
Now I shall utilized my critical thinking abilities acquired from Professor Layton to figure out an IRL puzzle. I'm trying to play DOUBLE in DDR, except my only setback is that my dance pads keep moving around, and in this mode, there will an increased likelihood of twisting my ankle. I "missed" the down arrow, literally, stomping on the floor part with miscalculations. My dance pad is elevated about 2 inches from my carpeted floor, so I can definitely feel the difference, and a worry that I will twist it if I continue to play like this... especially since I'm just starting out, I'm not used to stepping so lightly and such. Now, the pads have zippers. The pads are like a case, and inside it, contains a big thick cushion, that makes it a borderline hard-soft pad. Maybe I can tie one cushion to another pad's cushion somehow, and zip it up, only to leave a hole for the rope or strap that's connecting the other pad. I just have to figure out what item I can use to make them stick together. Once again, I'll have a ghetto way of getting what I want.
Sigh I'm talking about games lolz. I better start my analytical essay soon... it's due in 2 days. I think It'll take me approximately five hours to complete. I'll engage in that when my parents come home so they won't see me playing games.
Dictionary.com's word of the day is jactation. It's a noun. And wordpress underlines it because it's misspelled, though it's spelled like this in the dictionary.com website. Oh well, I'll just not use that word.
Another thought occurred to me as I reminisce my childhood. I never seen teachers walking around in shops and whatnot. Are they in hiding?
Do I really want to be a teacher? My thoughts are so jumbled. I have so much mixed feelings, and I feel like I'm skipping a step in my life. A step that I have to experience before my eyes are completely on this prize. Maybe its my craving desire for complete independence. I should have realized that I can't fight certain urges back then, especially things that I really could have done in the past that could have resulted in a 100% coup de grace. But then again, I'll be independent far in the future anyway, is it really that worth it? I feel that I'm missing so much that I should be experiencing at my age. Hopefully I stay looking young at least (people still mistake me for a high school student).
It's also getting dark pretty fast. It is 6:30 and the sun is setting. Fall is coming soon. I faced a whole season without her since we met, and I didn't die. But then again, being dead must be more relieving than the process of dying or being killed, right?
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