Dammit!  I can't destroy someone I do not know.

A great feeling is knowing that...

No one needs to know.  

No one needs to know anything about you.  

I'll be okay.  No one will know anything about me.  And I'll be okay.  

It ruins everything... when laughter becomes a contest.

I think the seven deadly sins needs to go back to its old days.

Back then, sorrow and depression were sins... but they fused with sloth for reasons I do not know.  Sloth is so much different now though, so it needs to revert back... so people can avoid sorrow and depression just like how some people avoid engaging in sloth activities.

Like me!  I kinda liked how I was always depressed... but I can see why it can be damaging.

I think a few of my MapleStory friends have made up memories... forged up memories.  Incorrect memories... I know my memories are right and their's are wrong... but whatever!  It doesn't matter.

I've been working out like a mad man...

But I've also been eating junk food like a mad man.  

You know what... I am so thankful I do not have any close friends.

Guilt=Stupidity
Socrates>Bible

I think she made her Instagram private because she saw me Liking our mutal friend's newly created Instagram's pictures.

She liked a photo of our friend, and she probably thinks that I am going to look at her instagram now...

BUT.

I have always known her Instagram;  we were actually talking at the time she made it and even showed me a picture on it three years ago.

Her Instagram is nothing new to me.  In fact, I have been subscribed to it through Feedly for years.  LOL.

The creeping never stops!!!

I think I am losing interest in her though.  It has been almost three years since we spoke to each other directly.  Moving on has never felt so closer than before.

I am starting to forget what we had.

My body is aching all over...

But I am still eating A LOT of ice cream.

I don't know if the ice cream has anything to do with it though.

Why would you live in America if you do not want to make any money?

Fuck it, gonna go nursing.

Oh fuck, I think I get it now.

I was "pushing" her when she was saying that "you know how it feels" thing.  I was like, "but what about how I feel... do you know what it's like to be in love."  AND from that she probably thought I was pushing her BUT WHAT I REALLY WANTED was a proper rejection like what everyone else gets.

But I did not say that.  I am forgetting all the important stuff, thinking she knows how I think.  She does not know how I think at all.  Fuck.  Damn it.  Now I need to tell her this.

DAMNIT. THIS IS WHY WE NEED TO TALK FACE TO FACE.  OR IN PERSON. OR EVEN  INSTANT MESSAGING.

FUCK.  In the first place, I never wanted her to know that I liked her a lot.  Fucking blog footprints man.

I was so happy when I woke up, finding the house shaking.

And then it was done.  And I was sad. And sleepy and hot.

I wonder if we can be friends again if I am in a serious relationship with someone else...

Ah I think I found the answer...

I should always remember she wanted a BMW at one point.

Maybe I can get over her if I keep thinking that.  BMW drivers are... Lol.

I think I'll just wait.  I will know when it is over when there is concrete proof that she is in a relationship already.

Ugh can't stop stalking.

I feel that there's so much more that I have to say... and there's more that she has to say as well.

But...

It's just a feeling.  It's all in my head.

In reality, it's over.

Disrespect?!??!

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!

HOW.  The.  FUCK.  Did.  I.  DISRESPECT YOU?!?!?!

You fucking taunt me that you like some other guy.  You FUCKING IGNORE ME.  YOU DID NOT TRY ANYTHING.  ANY FUCKING THING.  AT FUCKING ALL.  TO SALVAGE THE FRIENDSHIP.

AND YOU GO AROUND SAYING.. FRIENDS, and how you like having FRIENDS, and having your name BASED ON FRIENDSHIP?  FUCKING.  HYPOCRITE.  GTFO, OUT OF LIFE.

Disrespect?!?!?!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!

HOLY.  FUCKING.  FUCK.

Sure I got mad at you.

YOU FUCKING DESERVED IT.  YOU WERE FUCKING ASKING FOR IT.  TELLING HOW YOU LIKE MEAN GUYS.  AND DID YOU LIKE BEING MEAN TO?!?!?!  Fucking IGNORANT IDIOT.  SEVERELY.  SOCIALLY INEPT.  ASSHOLE. THIS.  BITCH.  THIS FUCKING BITCH.

Holy.  FUCKING.  HELL. I'm going INSANE.

Holy fuck I think I am more mad at myself for believing this bitch.  Holy fuck am I this lonely?  Out of everyone I fell for I fell for a fucking bitch?  A socially inept asshole hypocritical one too?  Only thing I can do is laugh...

I am tired.

I feel worse than before

I am so sad.

I think I did feel the earthquake at 2.  I randomly woke up, turned on my iPad, and used up my Stamina in Final Fantasy Record Keeper and went back to sleep.

Things I still need to do about it:

• Apologize for being mean (and reason out that she told me she likes mean guys, and of course, saw it as my chance to show that I can be really mean too...)  But I really did mean what I said. It would have been worth it if she stopped using friends and throwing them away, though I doubt it.  I noticed she stopped hanging out with another person.  
• Saying why I did not accept the apology (since she left again when I wasn't finished)
• Tell her I said happy birthday last year on her BlogSpot but she didn't close it down or whatever so assume that it is okay to do so

I said I imagined you ugly.  That way if you really are ugly I am prepared to love you anyway.

UGH ALL MY FRIENDS SUCK SO MUCH. *CRIESSSSSSSSS*

I found her new Tumblr...

And now I can't stop refreshing the page.

I find it enlightening.  The colors are vibrant, the posts are meaningful.  And it makes me happy.  Sorry for stalking.

I should be happy that I really did not lose.

She's not in a relationship yet.

Even if she did like me, I am a different person... the person she'd like does not exist.

But I have always liked her.  My like is genuine, because I have always stalked her.  I am a super creepy stalker.

Doesn't those extreme environmentalists make you feel guilty for being a person?  Feel guilty for living?

I had a dream that I found her Tumblr.  She was following this guy I know she knows IRL.

Even in dreams I am paranoid...

So happy when the doctor asked me if I needed a note for school...

This competative society... isn't especially good for sore losers like me.... Lol.

I never thought of driving as fun until I watched a few episodes of Initial D.

I avoided driving for so long.  I got my license seven years ago but I never use it.  I used to drive to school when I was in high school.  But after that, I just stopped.

Not only did I think it was too dangerous, but I thought it was the most capitalist thing to do.  So I avoided it.  I thought it was the wrong thing to do, putting gas into the atmosphere, killing the future human race, trying to not be a hypocrite, blah blah blah.

Now I am like... Idgaf.  The human race is done.  We're all going to die and we'll never advance the greater good.  So, I'm going to drive and have fun and be like everyone else. And I'll feel closer to her.

So yeah.  I think when something is fun, someone has to tell me.  I can't find joy in something I find myself.  Someone has to confirm that something is fun, and thus, I can have fun. I guess.

I was at a Thrift Store for approximately ten minutes and I opened up and scrimmed through this thick book on suicide.  Near the middle, and underlined, there was a passage that said something like individualism is a cause of suicide.  Individualism is a cause of suicide.

Glad that there's a 2x setting to speed up videos on YouTube... I am getting so much anime done.

I read somewhere that the month of May has the highest rates of suicide... I feel that to be true.

RIP Boxing, never watching it again.  Mayweather "fighting" so.. ResidentSleeper.

I think Manny's going to win.  TKO round 11.  TMT will surrender.

I met my online friend for ten years IRL.

She and her BF had business in California.  

It's too bad that happy moments in my life only happen spontaneously... or maybe all happy moments are spontaneous?

Anyways, any happy moments are better than non happy moments.

I didn't feel comfortable until we played this four way Pac Man game.  Pac Man game at the Metreon was fun.  I guess just going outside just made me uncomfortable because I don't do it often, especially being in the middle of a big city.  And I needed a haircut.  And a weightcut. 

My mom says I am a snob.  A new thing to ponder...  maybe I'll be more free and less snobish if I have one of those jobs that everyone else has.  

But having a job wouldn't be a problem, if I just pursued my career as a teacher. But I didn't because I keep thinking up reasons why I shouldn't. And I am scared and run away from everything. 

I've never thought of video games as toys until now... it changes everything....

I had a weird dream a couple of days ago.

My dad brought home boxes of Halloween chocolates.  About 20 boxes.  They were all on sale, because it's been way past Halloween.

I opened one box, and started eating.  I knew it was chocolate, but it tasted awful.  Then I looked at the chocolates.  Each chocolate was a baby animal, with its eyes closed.  A bird, a mouse. With their eyes closed, like they were dead.  But of course, they was chocolates.  They were made to be shaped like baby animals because it's Halloween.  I didn't eat anymore and told them to return it...

It was such a weird, and memorable dream.  There was more that happened in the dream, but this is what I chose to remember.

It made me think... did we really evolve by killing baby animals and cooking them up and eating them?  Maybe we really did just eat more vegetables and fruits than animals back then.  This is sick.

But this is really what we eat.  I remember pictures of baby chicks being grinded down... but I chose not to think of this when I eat chicken.

I also finished reading Fullmetal Alchemist a few weeks ago.  There was a scene where the Elric twins had to survive in an island, and they had to kill and eat a cute little rabbit.

Why is this so gross??!?!

Anyways, speaking of Fullmetal Alchemist, there were two things that made me ponder:

Do we really just want friends?  The character Greed did not want the world, fame, and money.  Hiromu Arakawa's resolve for Greed was that all he wanted were good friends, and it was good enough to die for.  Is that what we, humans in general, all really want in life?  Because I think that's all I want.  A stable group of friends that accept me.  But it's weird.  Greed's friends, the Elric brothers, seemed to be not very close.  Edward would always deny their friendship, and insult him... which is probably what friendship really is about.... or maybe friendship is just a feeling where you feel comfortable being with other people, and those other people are what you call friends?  How do you know when you feel truly comfortable anyways, I am sure there are moments where you wouldn't feel comfortable in a moment with friends you are mostly comfortable with....

Another thing that it made me think of, was the character Pride.  He was supposed to think for himself, and he was 12.  Edward Elric was... 14 or 15, when he told Pride to do that.  I was supposed to think for myself when I was 14... like, seriously think for myself, but I didn't, so my thinking was just comparing myself to these kids.  I think school definitely halted my growth.  School caused my suicidal thoughts;  School and the media, and my nature, but more on school.  I rely on others way to much, and I missed out on a lot of growing, the growing which would have made me more independent where I feel I can do whatever I want, feeling comfortable doing whatever I want without tiring out... and I feel like I am still not going to do it.  I like staying at home way too much.  I have become too comfortable, avoiding pain, and I may be like this for the rest of my life.

Oh gosh, I am feeling so much positive energy.  I am not used to this... I think I should sleep it off.

STORY IDEA:

Everyone meets this one person.  Everyone then lives their lives without that person, making decisions furthering their future, and all decisions made were based on that one person's impact.

 So everything everyone does were influenced by that one person, however, upon making those conscious decisions, they do not think about that one person at all.

That person isn't remembered.  Everything was a subconscious decision triggered by memories of that person, but the person, he himself, isn't remembered.  And he lives his life, being alone, and suffering by his own mind, in internal solitary confinement.

Everyone else lives happily with their successful decision making, though their old friend isn't even acknowledged, or remembered.

woaHhH popular Twitch.tv girl is following me in Tumblr.... Lol

I LOVE RAIN IN SPRING.

I think I confuse instinct with intuition more than often.... intuition should be >>>>>>>>>>> than instinct

My knees hurt.

Thinking about the future saddens me.

Thinking about the past saddens me.

Trying to get into Full Metal Alchemist.  On Ch 62 right now, but it just makes me miss  One Piece.  It's not as addicting to read.

Caught up with ONE PIECE.  I don't know what to do with my life anymore T___T

*eats pizza*

I miss my grandma

I feel that everything is a competition of some sorts.  Every.  Single.  Thing.

And I lose at everything.

And there's a name for this...

a loser....

So finally after 2 years and 8 months, it soaked in.

She never cared about me at all.

Got a bunch of Manga from the Thrift Store for 10 bucks BWAHAHAA.

No space on my book shelf so I stack them on my night stand. 

It feels too weird to move on.  I don't think I'll move on.

Ever since I was little I never liked anything human-looking.

In the children's section of the public library... there were books... with faces of people.  I never borrowed those.  I always chose the books with the anthropomorphic animals, no matter how boring the book was, I would re-borrow those books.  Those books without human-looking characters.

Human disliking began at a young age for me...

Why?  Why was I like that?!?!?!

This is the closest I'll ever get to this person.  I should not expect anything more.

If she asks me "why do you like/love me?"

I'll respond by saying,

You're just like me.  You're the female version of me. And I want to love myself, forever and ever!

Gah everything is so pointless!!!

Maybe I just need a new video game... Lol.

Or I just need to bother other people... can't bother the same people I usually bother because THEY'RE SO BORING :((( (or I am approaching them with an angle that makes them boring)  EITHER WAY, I just can't connect.

Meh, it has been almost three years.  I have decided to not move on because I can't, and I'll just wait around until she's in a relationship, because from that I'll know that I can definitely move on... but right now, I can't move on.  It's not that I do not talk to girls... I think I actually talk to a lot more girls than guys... single girls too, but it's like meh, I don't get the same kind of excitement in talking or I feel like I'll be cheating on her, or like, I don't even care about anything, I just talk because I like to talk... I am saying this because I know so many people are like wth, she's cute and you're not doing anything!  And I'm like... IDC, coz really IDC, going to wait til she's in a relationship, then I'll probably wait around til my feelings are completely dead, and then after that I'll be so drained or w/e and looking old but IDK what I'm even talking about I just want her to get into a relationship already so I can move on... kinda but not really, wish she'd just talk to me again.

And wtf she used to have like 8 followers on Instagram and now it's plus six... and I know she doesn't play Nasus.

Edit: And her followers keep increasing who are theyyyy :(((.  Yeah, not a good sign if I don't want her to have followers Lol.  Y IS IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO MOVE ON.

EDIT2: AND the likes she's getting from the new selfie she posted are all from BOYS :((((

The Fifty Shades of Gray girl is only one year older than me.  And no one is talking about how old she is.... I guess saying that says a lot about me.

I am old AF!

If I am unable to put it in words, I do not understand it.
If I am unable to put it in words, I do not understand it.

If I am unable to put it in words, I do not understand it. 

If I am unable to put it in words, I do not understand it. 

If I am unable to put it in words, I do not understand it. 

If I am unable to put it in words, I do not understand it. 

I got a haircut today.

I always feel irritable after haircuts, hating everything...

The haircut lady also accidentally hit my nose.  I had my eyes closed so I did not see what she did, but I started laughing.  After I stopped, and she resumed cutting it, I laughed again.  I had to apologize, and she had to say "let it out, let it out."

Solitude IS world peace

This rain isn't as exciting as I thought it would be...

Pottermore Sorting Hat Placement

I was sorted into SLYTHERIN.

SOLVED MY FIRST SUDOKU.  TOOK ME 2 HOURS.

Finished The Legendary Starfy...

Not the post game stuff.  Post world 10 is way too difficult to me, and it looks like it takes a lot of practice, which I won't do... or I might do it.

I've been sick.

Coughing and stuff.

And not wanting to do anything at all.