Really wish to die in my sleep right about now... it would be a dream come true... ha... ha..

Something really stupid... arguing over words.

I should stop trying to be liberal, and Just Go With My Own Aesthetics.  It can't be undone, just let it be natural and defend what I feel

In another universe, if everyone was generally good, with the News talking about good things, and just people acting friendly ALL the time with no experiences of anything bad... and all of a sudden bad stuff occurs, what bad be the "good" thing that people would seek since it is so uncommon?

Don't really care about traveling... just want to decorate my room differently like once every two weeks

Almost 2014...

2013 summed up, I lost interest in everything.

I just thought of something really cool but I forgot what it was, all I remember was that I wanted to post it in my blogspot so you're only getting half of my thought this time :(

omg some people are just so WHITE.  ESPECIALLY WHITE PEOPLE.  SOME WHITE PEOPLE ARE SO WHITE. I LOVE STEREOTYPES. LOL.

Changing how I think about feeling for certain things... second thinking sympathy

Most important thing I think in school, regarding your career, is to network

Felt better doing nothing than now that I have done something... ugh so painful.

There is way too many people

Tbh, I would have let her go much earlier if her changes were more noticeable, say, going out a lot more for isntance.

But she did not change.  She stays home and plays LoL all day and browses around.

I could have still been with her through it all.

And I miss it.

Semi-moving on was my defense mechanism.  Why did I not recognize it?  How come only now that it has been so long since we have talked, that I am able to put it into words?

5 and 3 look funny on digital clocks...
It looks like two staples side by side.

Collegeboard should include student suicide rates per college... so I'd know which one has the least... and perhaps increase it... ha... ha... ha.

Uncomforming=Death

Waking Up Holding My Head

It is like the emotions I want can only be achieved through death...

So weird how when I was a science major, I was pushed into thinking to trust my emotions.

And now I'm an arts humanities-like major, they are pushing me to support my ideas with facts...

WHICH ONE IS IT?!??!  Like What the Fuck?

If I had no major, I'd be the same, fragmented and unsupported claims.  Yup, that's me.  Like a 19th Century German thinker.

Anxiety level increasing

So much things everywhere, and all I do is catch a small glimpse... it's like I don't take my time to understand anything anymore... what is fully understanding something anyway?  Tolerating it until it doesn't aggravate you?

What is understanding someone?  Putting things in words the other person couldn't do and that person realizing that that's what the person wanted to say?

Things to Bring Me Back to Earth

-I am not in war
-I am not within the 200,000 people dying of starvation each year

Things to dance about:
-My family is alive
-She is still living and does not have a boyfriend

Gained a HUGE appreciation for short stories...

if Legend of Mana was released in this generation of consoles, it would be getting 10/10s.  Just a bad time for a game like this in 1999, being side by side Final Fantasy VII, IX, Chrono Trigger, and all those other rpgs with Epic storylines.

Excited to start Romancing Saga... and maybe I'll replay Atelier Iris 3.

Putting Off Things Until Tomorrow... or Until I Die

I was four when I realized I had people around me, and that things will always be the same.
Until I turned four and three quarters.

It was a karaoke video of ... this guy who died.  What is death?

Being buried.  You're in a enclosed casket underground, can't breath, bugs everywhere.

But that won't happen until many years from now... so don't worry about it.

So don't worry about the future.  Dying won't happen until many years pass.
Don't worry about the test, your future job, your future family, your own well being, because nothing is going to happen until many years pass.  Just wait.  Procrastinate.  Because nothing will affect you until many years pass.

Really cool people can be boring, so it's okay to be boring.

Everyone just looks so perfect... until they say something.

Actually, time IS valuable.  Because... well, I'm still in school OTL

Notes

Henri Bergson
The pure present is an ungraspable advance of the past devouring the future.  In truth, all sensation is already memory.

Hegel
At the same time that 'I' am the content of a relation, 'I' am also that which does the relating.

Hegel believed that a person is not merely conscious of self and object as separate entities, but through the projection of the self via the mediation of the object is volitionally able to gain a deeper understanding of the self.  All of which constitutes self-consciousness.

Time is no longer valuable.  I am O.K. as long as I have Imagination.

story notes

For my future indie RPG game to make my little mark on the world.

-Will be very sentimental, like a sentimental novel.  I normally dislike them, but I think with a lot of humor and wit, it'll be O.K.

-Main characters will be based on U.S. heroes (Harriet Tubman, Abraham Lincoln, etc)

-There will be a Beautiful Girl dying.

-Characters are in college in a modern urban setting

-Certain areas will have structures to help with science (Like a Cell(somethingsomething) building, and areas such as Mitochondria;asdjf to help with... well, science stuff.

-Lots of things will go unexplained.  Main character will have an imaginary friend just appear out of no where.

-The antagonist is my favorite character right now.

Make Work an escape.

I refuse to talk because I dislike the language.

Some words sound ugly.  And just communicating with words in general.  I think language is supposed to be simple and honest, but look what people has done with it... structuring words and sentences to make feelings deceitful. It's annoying.  And you can't decipher the truth from it at all most of the time.

I think language made the world more complicated.

WOW I NEVER KNEW YOU CAN SLOW DOWN AND SPEED UP VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE NOW.  DANCE TUTORIALS HERE I COME LOL.


EDIT: WTF I SAID SLEEP INSTEAD OF SPEED. And that's what I did today, on this Veteran's Day... slept all afternoon.

Psyched Back Up

Because I'm learning about Rome.

They succeeded even when things looked bad because of their: Persistence, and resistance to feeling in denial. Mwahahahaha, I'm back in this! ... this is so stupid.  But this is the only thing I'm holding onto in life.  TRUE LOVE EXISTS, BECAUSE I'LL MAKE IT EXIST.

So I was never comfortable with my perspective on anything...

UNTIL NOW.

Story Outline

Maybe I like certain words because I'm used to them, and I'm rejecting anything new .
-

I thought of a story idea for an RPG, where the main antagonist rejects future thinking, and historical thinking.  He favors mass destruction because human thought is leading no where.  He believes we are stuck in the same perspective plane and can't improve anything for the "greater picture" and so he wants to demolish it, as humans are so limited to everything because of emotions, but he also believes that history and evolution of thought plays a part in it as well.  He wants to start a new breed of thought free from the teachings of history.

A member of the protagonist team reveals himself as a deity, born from a parallel world that separated at a point in the time flow and was supposed to be born anew, and during his reborn process, saw modern human consciousness as the escape and the right way from what it could have been.  He has experienced the "much worse" world. This deity from another world is exactly the same as all other humans, except his experience in the alternate universe.

What could have been is much "worse" than what is, as it accomplishes nothing.  It does nothing to balance the "cycle".

The cycle is the god, as everything repeats itself, and there are other parallel cycles occuring at the same time, for an unknown reason.  It's just the way it is, just like how time is what it is, it goes on.

The answer of course, and how beings survived in the parallel "much worse" universe was finding "true love".  Through love, it was brought into the modern human cycle, which keeps everything going, and how everything is going well as long as there is love.  This occured in the fourth cycle.  The cycle itself had a mutation which has brought that single deity into the "real world".

Also, this has to deal with death.  When monsters die in the world, they melt back into the world as a thought and linger in the unconscious world that connects to dreams.

And now I'm rereading this and wth am I thinking, now I'm confused. GOD. IT MADE SO MUCH SENSE WHEN I WAS TAKING A SHOWER.

Work

I want to work... but not for the money, I just don't want to feel so arrogant... it's a weird feeling.  It's like, I don't have to work because I am not committed to anyone or anything, but more like... this could be the same feeling people get when they are out of place?  Being so detached, all I can do is be undetached.  Unless I detach myself some more.  But really, sometimes I feel like I really am looking down on everyone because they all seem so half awake.

I just want to shake them up but I don't want to, partly because I don't  care what they do, and another part is... that I'm too socially anxious to make those moves.  The only reason I would want them to wake up is so that I don't look so stupid saying things that make sense but does not to them.  Maybe it's my problem to make my things make more sense.  I want to bring myself back down, because that's what I am.  An ordinary person like everyone else.

 It just feels so weird.  Just so uncomfortable.  My thoughts and my feelings are so uncomfortable.  I wonder if I'm complaining. I cringe at the thought of people thinking that I complain or me coming out as snobby.  I don't even like that word but I can't think of any word to say instead of snobby, and sometimes when I don't like a word, I just don't say it at all.  That's how sensitive my aesthetics are.  My phonetic aesthetics.  Which then leads to unsent words... which then leads to misunderstanding, and miscommunication...

Things That Should Help Me Cope

1.  Laughter
2. Protecting/feeding my pride

Hella Comforting

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transcendental_Perspectivism

BaYUM!

I think it's in my nature to snap back.  If I don't and hold it in I'll be very sad.

My headphones broke.  The bass was amazing.  Now I'm sad. I need new ones...

I think we only get mad at things we could have changed. 

And that's when I think about her.

I think I'll move on once society feels like a better escape from her.

But for now, the pain of holding on is less painful than what's out there.  I think it's generally an unhealthy way of thinking, but it just feels so natural.

Weird Dream

I had another weird dream.  It was between 2:30am to 4:30am, but that does not mean anything.  Nothing means anything anyway so I don't know why I'm saying that something should mean something because saying that implies that it should mean something even though it probably means nothing at all.

But between that hour, it means that the dream happened sometime between 2:30am to 4:30am.  I don't know why my mind decided to dream about what I dreamed but it did.  Maybe dreams help us remember things to reveal the connection of all events in our lives, because it's all connected.  Shapes us who we are I guess.

Sorry for the digression. You want to know what my dream was of.  And, I shall...

It was evening.  It felt like those long road trips and you stop at a gas station.  But, at night, it's getting darker, because well, it felt like it was evening.  Maybe it was actually morning but the dream portrayed it as evening.  Well, I was sleeping at 2:30am-4:30am so technically it was really morning.  But the dream looked like it was evening, so please picture it as evening.

Sorry again.

I went inside a market.  I felt that it was Safeway, so it is Safeway even though it isn't.  So I enter Safeway, and took an unwrapped toilet paper off the shelf, but I noticed there were only two rolls.  THe one I picked up was smaller than the other one, so I assume that someone actually used this one.  I put it down, and pick up the bigger one, and went up to the counter to pay for it.  Along with the bigger toilet paper roll, I bought bags of bread and some other pastries.  Maybe it wasn't Safeway, but Target.  The cashier was a Filipino lady with short hair wearing a red vest.  So that's why I think it could be Target. Because of her red vest.  I think Target workers wear those things. And then my cell phone rang and I talked to my mom... then the dream got really fuzzy.

I was carrying all the groceries I bought at Safeway orTarget... actually, it could even be SeaFoodcity.  They wear red vests there too, right?  And she was a Filipino lady.  And one of my grocerries was two bags of Pandesal... but whatever.  I drop a lot of groceries on my way to my car, and on the way to my car were these gangster looking people.  They went up to me, and I felt like I knew them.  They warned me about the cops, so I hurried and I felt like I wasn't holding any of my grocerries.  And somehow I had a red car and it was parked in the middle of the road, and I thought "why did I park in the middle of the road" so I get in the car and the keys are like attached to the chair.  I didn't have the keys when I went in.  So I enter the car, take the keys from the chair, and drove... the car was stick shift, and I don't know how to drive stick but I drove it anyway figuring out how to drive it in the process

.... and then some weird voices and flashes of memory flashes in my mind and I wake up.  The end.

Such a weird dream, and now I procrastinated enough.

Canadians

"OTL" is hella Canadian.  I only seen two people who use that and they're both Canadian.  Therefore it's hella Canadian.

"Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself."

Damn damn damn damn damn.

Don't be arrogant.
Don't be arrogant.
Don't be arrogant.
Don't be arrogant.
Don't be arrogant.
Don't be arrogant.
Don't be arrogant.

It's like my mustache grows faster everyday now, and I have to shave every two days.. maybe by next year or two, I'd have to shave every day.  fauuwwwWk... kes.  I think I want to read Harry Potter again.

And it Dawned on me

You know how there is usually an overcover to an allegory in any epic story?  Like, MAGIC, Witches and Wizards in Harry Potter, NINJAS, in Naruto, GIANTS in Shingeki no Kyojin.  The stories are not about Magic, or Ninjas, or Giants but the stories themselves have a greater meaning... WELL, I'VE COME UP WITH ONE EPIC OVERCOVER THEME.  AND IT'S MERMAIDS.  I'm going to write THIS EPIC MERMAID STORY.

Ah fuck, nevermind, just did my research and there can only be female mermaids.  Man mermaids are gross anyway.  Unless... nah.  BUT... Trident combos, whirlpool attacks, Blitzball... but ew, when there's water and humans, that means there must be naked people.  I want my story clothed... dammit!  I was so excited to start this too.

Super Defensive Thinker

I wonder if there's a person who ALWAYS thinks:

If this person asks me this, I'll tell them this

If this person asks me why I'm doing this I'll say this

I'll say this if that person asks me this

When they ask me when I'll say this

And so they come up with premeditated responses..

Is it some kind of disorder to think that?  Or do normal people actually think of this, and that's how their conversations go so smoothly?

I could finally breathe... feeling so relieved right now.  Moments like these come once every two years.

Love Cycle

When my mind does not think it loves you, my heart will
When my heart does not feel the love for you, my mind will

17 mins her bday in 17 minutes.  Her bday on supercounters at least...

Beautiful Man

On BART reading on the train. The view looked like a perfect Instagram photo I could have taken, if only I had Instagram. A view of my opened book, and the seat in front of me. To the side, the beauty of the sun emitting heavenly light. The feelings the light reveals in this horizon can only be felt in a few minutes. As soon as the sun rises to the top, the feelings change. This view of the early morning horizon shelters the city from the external darkness, but not the internal darkness in our hearts. Yes, it is definetely morning.

To the seats in front of me, I notice something different. It's a Beautiful Man. I see Men all the time in their seats, but I really noice this one. But I did not stare at him. I just caught an outline of him in a split second while my eyes were on its way to glance at the door. Oakland Coliseum. This is Oakland Coliseum, the train conductor announces.

In that instance however, I could remember what I noticed about him. Shades. I didn't see him. I didn't look into his eyes. But I felt he was wearing shades. Blade shades that cover his eyes completely. Shades showing his ability to look at everything conspicuously by rolling his eyes, without moving his head to achieve a glance. Shades that cool people wear. Shades like Stevie Wonder. And woah, was this man a wonder. He could even be sleeping. His arms were crossed. His legs spread out. His neck was fat, so I couldn't tell if his head was tilting downward or facing forward, but still, regardless, his head was in perfect posture. A gorgeous head.

Exquisite neatly symmetrical beard. It was no Santa Claus, but he had one. Was it shaven? Maybe a little bit. I could have looked at him again, but my anxious nerves refuses to. I'm listening to my music, pretending to read my book but imaginging what the book is about. All at the same time marveling at this beautiful man. I imagine him with a red cap.

I glance in the quick 1/10000 second noticing how the sunlight's rays reflects his hand. What a beautiful hand. A beautiful hand for a beautiful man.

He had a woman. A beautiful man with a woman all enhances his attractiveness. His beautiful hand grasps tightly the top of her hand, signalling it is time to get up, and go. To work? To the airport? The Oakland Coliseum is also the exit to the airport. The possibilities of the next few hours in their lives are endless. This is Oakland Coliseum afterall. But man, did his Beautiful Man hold her hand! Yes, man, yes motherfucker, hold her hand. Grasp her hand and never fucking let go. Hold it to your heart, bitch. Hold her fucking hand til death devours your soul. Hold her fucking hand for all eternity. Let love last forever. Let us define love. Only can a group of people; only the human species as a whole can define love. Let the illusion of love exist.

The sun was already up by the time the couple left the train.

Dammit! my emotions are so fking obvious..

I think I blog because... I think I'm dying, or going to die soon.

When I die, I won't think anymore.. and my body chooses which of those thoughts to type... so this is my thought sanctuary I guess?  Maybe that's why I keep a blog and I try to capture as many feelings, attempting to record and describe that "heavy emotion" (I think the Japanese have a word for this...)  Is it because the thought of dying is why we have to "progress" by writing or even talking everything out?

Why I feel like such a failure

I never have one of those days where I do everything I wanted to so orderly and perfectly.  I never have a real day like in Harvest Moon, when you feed all your chickens, milk all the cows, hold the dog, drop the items in the shipping bin,  give flowers to get a green heart, and just fish for the remainder of the day.

Or maybe I'm such a failure because I'm comparing it to a friggin video game.  And video games are just that.

-

Sometimes I think it's better to watch normal people doing everyday things than watching those in television, or reading about them in a magazine... actually maybe it's always better.

It should be okay if I get all anxious, it's a natural part of me, and I should be okay if it happens to me.  The more the better actualy so I can get used to it when it actually starts happening... but I'm still scared of it happening to me.

HOLY FUCK

So I was on Facebook and I creeped up on all the friends I deleted and WTF SOME ARE MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES?!?!?! ALREADY?!?!?!?!

I think I can only talk to her when she was sad... when she's happy, she really doesn't need me. And I feel that she doesn't need me.  Well, she seems happy, and I guess it's time for me to seriously start moving on...  it's been this way for awhile.  I've just been super stupid.

I honestly don't believe that I care what other people think of me.  It's just that I'm anxious about being anxious.  I don't want my voice to start to shake again, nor do I want to share things that I half-ass'd. At least, from all of this, I can advance mentally instead of always retracting or staying the same.  What I learned was to always prepare.  Preparation is the most important in building confidence, and to prevent situations that I know I don't want happening.  Now if only I can just... engage in preparing then I'm all good.  But procrastination feels so much more natural... ah.

I think I have this disorder.  It's called Essential Tremor.

I really can't control certain situations... just two days ago, I was randomly chosen to read my thesis for a paper, and I couldn't speak at all, I felt I sounded retarded, or really wimpy and fobby, but I couldn't control it... thinking back, it happened to me serveral times.  In Microbiology, I failed pippeting into this tube because my hands wouldn't stop shaking.  I was teaching one time, and my hands started shaking, and my voice shakes... gahh this is so embarrassing.

I did a little research though, and it says what I already know: reducing sugar, getting more sleep, and excercising regularly. Also, I think I truly do need more exposure.  Exposure around people, and just talking more.  Having friends definitely helps, but it's overwhelming (I had TWO friends in ONE day yesterday).  It's all because I'm scared.  It's fear.  (Or did my anxiety come before fear?)  All I can do now is prepare... I just want to stop shaking and stuff and once I get past my fears I think I can be super cool.

Feels so weird having two friends a day...

One thing I noticed about almost all the protagonists in Murakami's novels is how they're... fearless.

Charles Darwin's Diary Entry

"My will and reason were powerless against the imagination of a danger which had never been experienced."

How's This

She's more sensitive than me, so it's my fault. 

But... how do we measure sensitivity anyway?!?!  

Dammit!

My professor said it.  He said my million dollar idea that I thought only I had.  I thought I was a genius of thinking it, but I guess not.

The thought was how we're limited as a species because of our language.  There is only so much you can do if you only think in words.

But a professor thought this!  And I thought of this too! So... maybe it's not that bad after all.  At least I'm not alone in my thoughts and people actually think the same things I do.

What if it was written in books a long time ago though, but I just haven't found it out.  What if all thoughts I have were already in books, what's the use of thinking if I could just read.  Oh yeah, I think because I'm too lazy to actually do anything.

This Girl: A Superficial Analysis

Rewind to last quarter. I met this girl through group work in a math class. She laughs at me and has the same kind of humor as me. She even says that I’m funny and she likes the way I think ohohoho. Sometimes I hope that having the same humor would mean we would be interested in the same things. Video games, books, and what not. But she likes shopping and going out. Maybe if I wasn’t exposed to my games and books at a younger age in another life, I would be interested much more on shopping and… maybe not tattoos because in my opinion, it looks like smeared bird shit from afar. Anyways the point is, we can laugh together, and I feel comfortable messing with her.

Fastforward to this quarter. I think she’s cute. I think she’s the most attractive girl in the class, and the class consists of 95% women. She’s half Filipino too! She seems to be the only active girl in my life as of now… (a week ago would have been different. A year ago would be completely different). The thing is though, I’m not attracted to her. Maybe for a day I was, but I’m not right now. A day,because of how she looked at me at that time, and I couldn’t get it out of my head until I went to sleep, and the sun went up (and then I am reminded of who I really really really like).

While talking to her, I have to either avert my gaze, or look directly at her eyes. I am forced to look directly at her eyes because of the cleavage. She visibly closes her coat tighter over her cleavage when we’re talking. At this point, I’m looking directly into her eyes, however I feel that I’m forced to look at her cleavage, because that particular movement is what stands out. Like the look at the black dot on a big clean sheet of white paper test. The whole scene is still except for our mouths moving when we’re talking, then she lifts her hands and closes the cleavage closer part of her coat, so of course I feel that I’m forced to look at the cleavage, even though I’m not looking directly at her cleavage. However, I successfully avoid looking at the cleavage by focusing my eyes directly at her’s.

It was mandatory to look at her eyes. If I don’t look at her, I’ll be turning my head the other way, and she’ll be thinking “lol, you not looking at me because of my cleavage” Btw, I notice myself squinting a bit, I think I’ve developed a habit of squinting when I’m talking to a person. Anyways, about her eyes… her eyes are always glowing and shiny… is it a new kind of eye make up or are they those eyes? The eyes that just scream “I want you!”? Why do I think this? If she does eventually ask me out and I say yes, I think I’d only like her, and to be with her just for show, because of her looks. I think we’re both getting to the age when we’re both serious about everything though, but really. She likes shopping… I don’t want to spend all my securities (my money) on clothes for her and stuff like that. I just see myself in the future trying to convince her to like the things I like (would be very dope if she did actually) but I like someone else (who I’ll probably never talk to again… it hurts, and maybe I shouldn’t get hurt anymore by making myself like this one?). And she wears slippers. Ew! Not only that, but wears the combination of jeans and slippers. Slippers are okay with a skirt I guess, or shorts. But jeans and slippers… ew! Ew feet.

She’s telling me to take these two other classes with her next quarter. And there’s really no problem, just felt like writing about it. Lucky friend girl of mine, earning an immortal spot on my Tumblr diary. Our lecturer for the class looks like Ellen Degeneres btw! She even acts like her except she doesn’t dance. She doesn’t dance on the dance floor. She dances on the planes of geometry.

Classes feel so much different with a friend… regardless of anything at all, I am so happy to have a friend in this class, and for future classes.

So I think I kind of like myself now.  But I need to stop eating and drinking sugar stuff because I KEEP SHAKING. WTH.

Why do I act so normal...

To get mad at someone because she shows no empathy... is that alright?  So hypocritical... but we all are, right?

I feel like I'm chasing my childhood to be happy... since I think I was happiest when I was little.  How do I get the same emotions as back then?  Was it really that great?!?!

It was raining earlier.

Felt like playing Persona Three hee hee hee.

But it stopped raining, and I don't feel like playing it anymore.

And cool, this entry thing became stairs, like the top sentence is small and gets bigger as you read down but not anymore because this line is getting to big so nevermind.

Pretending that you care really shows that you did care...

I should keep this in mind.

I need one of those cover ups... to show that I'm a strong person.

A job, friends, a profile picture of me on Facebook doing amazing things...

ANY COVER UP WILL DO.

I have a sore throat.

I went to the doctor's.  My doctor said that my heart stopped beating, and that my skin isn't supposed to be this gray.  She also said I have a bottle obstructing air in my trachea, disallowing me to breathe.  I am kidding though.

Words of wisdom to myself on September 20, 2013:  If you want it, go get it.  If you don't want it, don't get it.

Would she be happy to know that I've died

Oh fuck I should have forseen after those bursts of happiness comes a depression hell.

... but I sound so flirty when I talk... sigh, MAYBE I NEED A GIRLFRIEND so that it shows that I'm just talking and I just want to be friends..

SIGH IF ONLY I CAN GET OVER HER. But I refuse to let go...

And maybe I'm not letting go because of my pride... I'm reading this book.  This passage stuck me.

It wasn’t only Otohiko’s appearance that had changed. He had become closed and cautious, somehow, as it is so often with people who have desperately sought to preserve their pride, even as some cruel, twisted fate pursues them. (Banana Yoshimoto, n.p.)

The line I bolded struck me. I think I've always had really high pride but I sucked at everything... therefore everything I ever did hurt so much, and because of that I've became such a recluse...

Forgot how fun it was to talk and mess around with people...

I FEEL SO FREE.

I think I'll feel "grown-up" once I conquer several of these childhood fears.

I wonder if the thought of "I wonder if he has killed himself yet" crosses her mind

Weird Dreams

Dream 1:  Happened two days ago.

I was with my mom, and apparently she wasn't with my dad anymore.  Throughout the dream I assumed he died, and so I didn't mind my mom flirting with this other guy who looks like my dad.  My mom doesn't even flirt at all in nondreams... she's really conservative and stays home all day.  Anyways, but I didn't mind it because the guy had my dad's personality.  Then a guy who was actually my dad appeared, but he didn't look like my dad (somehow in the dream I felt he was my dad though) but he was actually my dad... my mom was talking to me how attracted she was to the guy who she was flirting, and I slapped her and her glasses fell off (she doesn't even wear glasses).  And so she continued talking about how attracted she was to the guy who wasn't my dad.  I slapped her again.  I kept slapping her like five times in a row.  In the dream I really really really wanted to beat the shit out of her.

Reminds me what I felt when I was with my friend whom I really liked.  She talked about other guys... I don't know if she knew I liked her so much at the time.

Dream Zero:  Happened like five days ago, when I was in SoCal again.

We were in a tunnel.  I was with my super smart younger cousin, and I kicked this ball into the back of this garbage truck.  The garbage truck then turned around, and the ball fell out.  I forgot the details, but somehow it reminded me of "her".

Dream 2:  Happened last night, divided in two parts...:

First part, I was talking to her about how I was going to transfer to her college and we were actually "together"... we started making future plans. Then stuff happens and somehow..

I end up in a park, with all her online friends looking how I imagined them to be.  I was stalking her in real life, and I thought I was invisible... but she looked at me, and I felt that she knew it was me even though I think I was invisible.

Reality:

One more month until her birthday... I am freaking out.  It's been 10 months and we still haven't talked.  I have not moved on.

WTH, WHY CAN'T YOU SEE.

DOESN'T MY STALKING SCREAM "I MISS YOU!!" ?!?!?!

Life gets worse and worse as you get older... mentally and physically, especially physically...

The only thing you can do, is not realize it.

Do not lay down.  I tend to think of extreme depressing thoughts when I do, and it just makes me want to scream.

But then again... it makes me want to listen to music... Dancey music.  That makes me get up to dance.

So I guess I should lay down if I want to dance.

I know everything doesn't matter... but why do I still feel so insecure sometimes when I'm talking or just making contact with another person.

I feel so secure when I'm by myself..

This Suckssssssssss

So all this time I thought I was building credit because I use a credit card that's like connected to my mom's card because we have the same number and we thought we're building credit that way, but NOPE turns out I need a job and open up an account thing myself to start building up, SO I GUESS I really really do need a job then... GOD, if only I knew earlier I would have seriously looked for a job right when I was able to start working.

If we didn't have a closure maybe it's a sign that we're bound to meet again?

I'm in southern California. The first thing I thought of was checking her Tumblr.  And so I did.  Here's some new info I've gathered:

Apparently her laptop broke and she got a new one... (..perhaps along with all our memories from Skype History...)  This is huge news, because it means she doesn't check our talks of the past, often, as what I do... huge blow to my heart.

Church

I missed church yesterday.

In fact, I haven't been going to church for the past... months.  My parents started not going either, but they went yesterday.   On Saturday night, they even told me to sleep early so that I can go with them.   But I didn't.

When they came home they told me to make the sacrifice to go to church because in the future there might not be church anymore.  This was their reason this time.   In the past, when I slept in, they would say that I have to visit the lord, and give thanks or whatever.  But this time was different.  There might not be church anymore.

My parents are finally out in the open that they're losing faith... maybe they just wanted me to grow up with morals, and now that I think I'm grown, or they think I'm old enough, they can be honest about these sort of things.

Ugly Rant

You know what's ugly?  Seeing a friend curse online, and you know she doesn't curse that much offline... it just looks so awkard.. and that's why it's ugly.  It's ugly because it's awkward.  You know you don't want to curse!

What's worse is that when I'm talking online, I don't curse.. can't you see that if other people don't curse it means you shouldn't either?

It's ugly because it's not even funny... it's not like... "AHAHAHA nigguh bitch nigguh!"  I'm okay with that cursing.  That cursing is the funny kind.

But when you start complaing, eg "shit", "damnit -.-" or something like that... it just looks so awkward and makes me feel uncomfortable... it's... so ugly.

"Don't attach yourself to people.  They run away.  Attach yourself to a passion."

I have one more week...

Either one more week, or two more months...

Life is Too Long

I think because life is too long, we feel that we have so much time to "make the most out of it", or at least, think about making the most out of it.

If life was short, we'd be content with how it is already...  because there's not much that everyone can actually do in that short amount of time...

?!?!!

It's still too early.  Going back to bed.

How to Feel Better When You're At Home

-Imagine yourself away from home.  Really imagine it.  This should make you wish you were at home, and so by being actually at home, you'll feel better that you are home.

I probably just imagined myself doing my best and giving it all...

but most likely, I did not.  It was all in my mind, in actuality meaning nothing at all.

I don't know if I should work towards being happy or more sad...

If I"m happy, she might see that I'm doing fine without her, thus she'll feel bad because I don't need her anymore since I can be happy without her...

If I'm sad, she might not want to talk to a sad loser, and I'll have no chance at all, and it'll show that I'm so incompetent...

This sucks!  I guess I can show both... like... HI, I'm SO SAD ^___^.
Ugh!

Ugh I want this day to be over already...

Being dedicated in waiting for something that will never come hurts a lot too.

Having memories of something that other people were supposed to remember but do not remember kind of hurts too.

Hope I fall asleep and never wake up.

And I hope I have another heart warming dream tonight.

Last night I cried myself to sleep.  I always get so anxious before my birthday.  The anticipation is so overwhelming to me... because I know no one will greet me, or even remember when my birthday is.  I guess it's partly my fault.  I don't really tell anyone when my birthday is.  But still, it's like when my birthday comes, it's a reminder of how no one really cares about me.  Usually, when I think of birthdays, I think of parties with friends getting together... but when I think of my birthday, I think of just staying on my bed covered in my blankets. But it's my fault... the way I am, I expect people to do things for me without me asking.  Maybe knowing that I have the full ability to change hurts more than the actual event itself...

I woke up crying.  But I wasn't sad.  I was kind of uplifted.  I had a dream I was walking around my high school campus (and it didn't even look like my high school campus) with a friend... she wasn't even a close friend, and I never even had feelings for her.  She was just a good person to talk to sometimes and gave bad advice, but she was a cool person I guess... and it made me happy just being with her, and following her around.  We had errands to do together that included lifting this weird huge table which was this hall pass (we never even had hall passes in high school... or even elementary school).  So yeah, we delivered that huge table, and my high school english teacher was happy to receive one of the large hall passes... and her classroom was in the multipurpose room (we didn't even have a multipurpose room in high school...) and my friend took a seat, and I sat next to her.  Such a weird dream.   The atmosphere was so light though, very gold-like.  Maybe it's an indication that weather plays an important role in my mood swings?

I just watched Detective Conan movie 7...

"I don't mind waiting... when you finally do meet, you'll be more happy."

Sighhhh, now I feel like waiting again, and I think I'll do that.  I'll wait... I really don't mind waiting either.  I'm really excited to say happy birthday to her in a few months even though it will probably creep her out, Lol.

 I'll write another poem for her and keep it to myself.

It's my birthday in a week.
Nothing makes me happy anymore.
I laugh at things, but after that comes an extreme feeling of immeasurable sadness.  Well, not instantly after laughing, but it's just a constant feeling I've been feeling.
It's not the weather.
It has to be her.

My brother said it was the first time to see me with a mustache growing.  First time seeing facial hair, growing.  I'm saying growing because it's not funny developed.  But anyways, I shaved right after.  I don't ever want facial hair on my face.  On my face (on my arm is fine... because it would be like a free tattoo or it'll look like a bruise.  I don't have hair on my arms either.  I have really girly arms.)

Do not rekindle friendships.

Do not connect with new people.

It will only prolong my life.

What I should try maintaining:

If it's meant to happen, it will happen, because I will do all I can to make it happen.

Just be anything I think that looks cool. Don't look stupid.  Looking stupid hurts.

You know what.. I think I'd rather be broken hearted than not feeling anything at all.

It's not over yet... my feelings haven't faded.  I need to find something else to keep me busy.  MapleStory isn't, because all I do is train, and it's really mindless, so my mind wanders back into what I don't want it to wander into.

The End.

I haven't written anything in awhile, but I'll write what's in my mind right now before I forget.  It's a letter to her again.  I should be over her by now, because today was my deadline and I have no other way to talk to her... I'm scared that a year from now, I wouldn't care about her at all, and she'd have completey forgotten about me.  I want to believe in what I have always believed in, in that love lasts forever.  But I know it's not true.  It's just a silly fantasy.  That's why I had to keep being consistent... I know the truth, and the truth is that people do move on.  I tried to be consistent... I tried to make it last.  But it won't.  Since she cut me off, it's only a matter of time until my feelings are erased, even if it's been eight months since we've talked. Time is ticking, and people will always experience new things.  That includes her, as well as possibly me.  But seeing her nature, and knowing mine, I know she'll experience these new things much sooner than me, and I'll stay the same in this little corner, just waiting.

Anyways, my main point.  I even forgot what I wrote in those letters.  But anyways, everything just felt so perfect, and I thought the friendship would have been unbreakable.  It fazes me how fragile it actually was.  It fazes me how little communication effort both of us did to actually save it... or we didn't even try saving it at all.  Though looking back, it was all too perfect.  I did my best to find a flaw, and that flaw was when she told me "You should go out and do something."

You should go out and do something.

I don't know why, but that struck a chord.  And it made me realize that it's not worth it.  I don't know what it is about that phrase.  "You should" implies that she wants to change me.  "Go out and so something" means that she doesn't like me not doing anything.  And that kind of hurts.  I kind of like not doing anything, and I only like talking to her.  It's like she doesn't want me to talk to her.  And I heard that she doesn't like me talking to her.  Though she was the one who always talked to me... but anyways, I did not like what she said, nor did I confront her about it.

I don't know why I miss her so much.  She never understood me... she never asked how I really was.  She never considered my feelings.  She never asked me questions.  It seemed as if she never wanted to know me at all.  But she talked to me about herself.  She sort of shared herself with me.  And I fell for that.

But it's the end now.  There is no way for me to talk to her.  It's really the end.  Miracles don't exist.  Miracles never happen.  Plans in my head never go through.  What I was hoping would happen this weekend  did not come true, just like all the other times no matter how close and how supernaturally coincidental circumstances can seem, it never works out in the end.

I'll never ever look forward to how I thought she wanted to talk to me again, and how eager she seemed to tell me about her day.  I'll never laugh at her pictures, of her dog, but showing a huge picture more of herself with her dog looking away from the camera.  We'll never talk about the shows we've watched, play those silly games, talk until 5 a.m., or our own deficiencies as humans ever again.  She'll never say hi, and she'll never say bye.  Ever again.  Because it's over.  It's over.

But I can still wait, and hope... but nah, that goes against my pessimistic nature.  Hoping for a miracle goes against my pessimistic nature. I should wait without hope.  It's "waiting for nothing."  The waiting for nothing phase.  It's all my fault.  She was able to talk to me, but I messed it up, because I was in love with her.  It's my fault because I'm the one in love.

Final Resort

-Dragging multiple mutual friends in.

As much as I don't like help... I NEED it. There is no other way.

-I've sent more buddy requests than we have talked...

-Maybe she was the patient one and I was the impatient one...

Bother Bother Bother

I'm annoyed at what I did in MapleStory.

I transferred my only Adventurer Warrior to another server, when I should have transferred my thief.  There will be a revamp soon where Adventurers can switch their 2nd jobs, and I already have two theives on one server, on the main server I play on, and I have no warriors.  This means I have to either transfer my warrior back, or make a new one, and I have to get rid of my 2nd thief somehow.

It's bothering me so much now that I feel like quitting.

-There are NO miracles.

-Stick with being skeptical so you'll be right in the end.

-All bad things happening are there for me to finally force me to kill myself.

-Life is NOT worth living.

-Being honest is STUPID.

-God's dvine plan: WE ALL DIE.  Because there's a 100% chance that everyone eventually dies.

What hurts me the most now is how long its been, and how it meant nothing to her...

hatehatehatehatehatehatehate.

Must always use my mind.  If my heart and mind try working together, my heart will overpower my mind no matter what.  Better choose one or the other, and the better one will always be the mind.

Acceptance Phase, Part 2

Writing this kind of hurts, but thinking about writing it hurts more, so I might as well get over it by just writing it.

-I should have known that it wasn't just us two.  She was talking to other people besides me, despite how shy she said she was, and how special she made me feel.
-I should have got the hints of how she didn't watch my "justification" videos when we semi-argued, and how she refused to see where I come from.
-I should have got the hint when she never asked how I was doing.
-I should have got the hint when she replied and continued to go out with this other guy.
-I should have known that it wasn't me when she said I was "too calm"

Holy shit I'm dense as hell.

"It's obvious you can't you get a hint..."

Not really, I was just in denial...

No matter how deeps the talks we had, it meant nothing to her, but it meant so much to me... I can't believe how dumb I was to fall this hard... but then again she just seemed so perfect for me.

It's so annoying how there wasn't any closure.  She's inconsiderate as hell.  Now I know how it feels to not bring closures.  I wouldn't have to resort to that if she could have just told me things...

But maybe something like this was supposed to happen to me, to teach me how unpredictable things are and to not take anything for granted.

I give it..  three more weeks until this phase is over.

You know why I'm having such a terrible time moving on?

There was no fucking closure.

Be considerate fucking idiot.

What we're all trying to achieve is a desired STATE OF MIND.

Is that right?

I hope she knows that there are friends there for her that's willing to be by her side forever.  I've talked to her, I think I know her...  she doesn't like me anymore, but I'm willing to change to the person she would like to be with once again.

I don't think I changed. I was always the same person, but during that short time span, something happened. Something that I did.

But I just want her to know that I'm there for her.  I just can't because she doesn't want me to, but for some reason I still think that she'd like me to...

So all I can do is sit here and wait.

But she doesn't want me to... I don't know what she wants.  She still refuses to talk to me.  But I'll wait.

Must.  Respect.  Her.  Descision.

She just said I was too calm... she didn't say anything else... I was just too calm, then she left without saying anything... what did I do...

I could only think back and hurt myself by reminding myself of memories as I try to suffocate myself with this blanket over me, holding my knees.

I need to get away.

"The harder you try, the harder you fall"

No... it was all my fault.  I should've just talked to her... I should have fixed it immediately.  I should know that she's the avoidant from the beginning... when I first met her she was really avoidant, she's supposed to be naturally avoidant... why couldn't I think of that.

In academics, I don't think I could have done any better than I did when I was in high school.  I think that if I were to start again, I'd be completely absorbed in my reading, even if I did it in leisure time.  But I take way too many breaks, and because of that, I won't reach any deadlines.  I think this is important for me to soak in what I'm reading. Reading takes way too long for me, and I wouldn't be able to finish any assignments...

Or am I just justifying why I am so incompetent compared to everyone else?  Yes, I think that's it.

Flowers for Algernon

I've started reading Flowers for Algernon.  That short story stayed with me after reading the short version in 8th grade.  I've always wanted to read the full novel or watch the movie, but I never got the chance until now.  I found the book at the recycling center (along with a few Shonen Jump magazines and a fair condition Agatha Christie novel).

So far, a quote that stood out to me the most, is on page 50, "Now I understand one of the important rasons for going to college and getting an education is to learn that the things you've believed in all your life aren't true, and that nothing is what it appears to be."

I think that's the change that I feel within me.  The change in my perspective on things is not because I've been practicing writing with my left hand to activate my right hemisphere in my brain when I'm bored in class.  It's from what I've been actually learning in class.  But that's all that I'll say about what I think of that quote.  I'm embracing my pessimism even more now.

It's really hard to imagine that other people don't really think the same way as I do...

She just never gave a fuck about me... never did.

Anyways, one last resort: Meeting her...

I just hope everything goes according to plan x-x

Now or never, now or never, now or never

OHOHOHOOHO SHE'S NOT TALKING TO ANYONE.

Some people fear of never loving again... being able to love the same way...

Well, I fear not putting in as much effort as I did... the more effort I put into something, the more I want it...

One of the worst feelings ever... is realizing you don't love her as much as you thought you did...

I wonder if at that point... do people force themselves to love (her) more than what they think they do?

What is loving someone "more" anyways... if you love someone, you just love em, right?

bitch if she can do without me, I can do without her...

Story ideas:  A Harriet Tubman character.

I think the human ego is unnaturally powerful, but the world really doesn't need it.  Maybe it's because there is no more purpose for ego... so it has to be used in a different way, but really, when there's no use for it, it's just stupid.  I think that's the problem, or my problem at least.  I have an ego.

Refined

What the hell is this Tomodachi shit. You're no friend, you treat us like shit just like your face with makeup. You're the opposite, deceiving people with your name, just like your fake personality. All you do is care about yourself, just like the American Government, self seeking, self satisfying, and dishonest. You creatures are despicable and I know that's why you suck the red white and blue dick. You two are two of a kind and can empathize with one another because you only care about your own self-interests and own well-being. People like you is what holds this country back.

I NEEDED you.  I liked you A LOT.   First time I stalked you, I didn't know I was being tracked, thought I could find out what's wrong.  Second time, tried getting your attention because I REALLY wanted to talk to you concerning our friendship.But all you do is run away.  Not literally because I know you stink up your seat sitting on your pc all day. But there is one thing you can't run from: being a socially inept cowardly immature hypocrite.  You complain about things you don't want done to you, yet you're doing it yourself.  No wonder no one likes you.

I can't believe everything we talked about actually meant something to me. I can't believe I've been thinking about this longer than the time that we've been actually friends. What the hell.  Your friendship sucks.

Honesty: 2/10
Communication: 8/10
Helpfulness: 5/10
Understanding: 6/10
Reliability: 4/10
Trust: 1/10

Overall rating: 4/10

stupid fucking bitch liar fucking hyprocite fucking liar fucking fuck fuck fucking liar bitch hyprocrite

Why?

Why did she changed her name...

Worse fear:  She married someone with the same last name as her first name.

I'm now embracing the times I've been bitchy in the past.

It Was Me

And she rejected it.  Talk your heart out, and to be rejected by a friend who you trusted the most... kinda hurts.

Attack back so I don't feel stupid.

I'm tired of all this funny shit.

If I don't meet her within the next month, I MUST actually *TRY* to get over her...

Patience is a virtue.
Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

And in the end, it will be worth it.  If not, then... it's just funny.

I think I just want to live alone in an apartment with nothing to care about...

HER FAULT.

.... her fault for telling me that I'm too calm.

I think its better to just refresh your mind after being so attached to someone.  Wipe out anything you learn entirely, because the next person you fall for is completely different... just learn something, and if you actually like that lesson, just go with it, but if it's something so unnatural, just forget it...  just forget it...

St00pid

Meh, I guess being angry didn't work, or you're really not reading and responding to a comment. But really, I don't care if you suck at being a friend,I just wanted to be able to talk to you again because it was fun...

Anyways, if only you knew how happy I was to finally hear directly from you. Well, hapy isn't the right word. More like relieved, but I really can't do anything. Your barriers are too strong, and the limitations of an online friendship makes that barrier impenetrable...

I was trying to get your attention because I sent you another message on basil, that I wanted you to read so I kept stalking you that time. The first time was just embarrassing because I didn't know you had a tracker... second time I really tried to show that I was to get your attention because I sent you a message and I really wanted you to read it, hoping that you'd be my friend again.

I know I was pushing boundaries. But I wasn't sure. You dind't talk to me directly and I thought you were one to actually tell me in perseon, being I know you wouldn't want the same done to you...

Sorry for that though. I guess I was being selfish. That's all. I thought we ha a good friendship, and I loved you, so I dind't want you just out of my life like that. But I'm selfish because I only thought of myself. It was what I wanted, I wanted to talk to youa gain, even knowing you, yourself didn't want anything to do with me anymore. For that, sorry and bye. I'll never forget anything. Thank you for these precious memories.

"The only time a man can cry is when it's all over"

There, you can laugh at me now.

"The purpose of life is to search for the purpose of life."

So I guess if I'm searching, I'm doing fine.

Feeling So Out of Place

Why am I like this... I don't sound like this IRL.  Why can't I be who I am IRL, online?

Maybe she'd like me... or not.  All I can do is wait.

As soon as I got the hint I should have kicked her ass... fuck.  Now I feel that I lost.

FUCK.  Her friendship suck so much that I can't even shed a tear for her no matter what I dig through or think about.  She sucked so much!

... and maybe that's the reason why I was so attracted to her...

Things I Hella Hate/ Uncomfortable Doing

-Asking for something

1.  Asking for something.  I think its because it ruins my consistency train, as that I I've never really ask for things... because my mom has always anticipated everything I guess.  Maybe that's one of the cons of being such a good mom.

This is not right...

She's happy.

I'm supposed to be happy that she's happy...

Why am I not happy that she's happy?

I'm supposed to love her, and I'm supposed to be happy when she's happy...

But I'm not...

But this is really pumping me up.  I feel like working hard on something...

Or... I just don't love her afterall!

And if I don't love her, that means she's a stranger...
And if she's a stranger, I don't know her, and she posts stuff on Tumblr for the Public!
If I wasn't a stranger, I would be the "Private" and not the public!
So that means I'm part of the public...
And it's okay to stalk!!!!!

Ah shit, must respect her, lalala.

Hmmm...

Maybe I should stalk her to get her attention again...

What could go wrong?  She'll never blog on Tumblr again?

It's not like she has a Tumblr right now anyways, because I'm not reading it... and it's all for myself, just like how she only cares about herself!  Eye for an eye.

I WANT to respect her decision... maybe I'll respect her for one more week?  Then I'll resume my stalking spree.

Damn, I just want to know what she really thought of me...

Who Knew?

Who knew I would fall this hard...

When I first saw her, I was thinking, why can't my Maple girl friends be cute like her?

We became friends shortly after and talked so much...

And then, I felt that she liked me, but I wasn't sure.  I didn't like her 100% because... there was something missing.  Maybe I felt that it would be too easy.

And now there's a challenege, but its more than a challenege, because she's not even in vicinity of contact anymore.  The only way is to talk to her through friends or to be really really creepy.

Seriously though.

1st time- Embarrassing
2nd time- I WAS TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION TO CHECK BASIL.  For my hate message.  Fucking dumbass.  I hate people like her actually... God, I'm glad it's almost over.

Last Assumption

Realizing my limitations kinda hurts...

Well I think there's only one thing left to do.  One last assumption.

"she'll feel more comfortable talking in a group setting...".

I'm looking into it way too much...

I should really respect her decision.

Sigh.  I don't know what to do anymore.

Nah, I don't think I'll get third parties involved.

She clearly said that she doesn't like me.

no more flattery.

Waiting for eternity is nothing it if it's you.

Being nice WON'T work, nor is being funny... my best bet is to show how much I understand her and shove it down her throat.

A Comment

You said you won't read or respond to messages.  Well, this is a comment, not a message, and you can respond to this and I won't say you are a hypocrite.

But either way, I can't take your message seriously because of a typo, "you obviously you can't", and because of this, I now know how an employer interviewing for an interview feels like.

You said I SHOULD stop viewing your Tumblr, but you didn't say you HAVE to, so I'll view it anyways, because I'm creepy, okay?  And you only talk to me if I become creepy so that's what I'll do.  Even if I can't take your message seriously, I cherish it.  I think I've even memorized it, and it makes me smile because of how much I miss hearing directly from you.

And IDGAF that you don't like me.  I only care about myself and that I love you.

I also made a hate message and a not so hate message, which one would you like to hear?  I don't know because I'm not naturally really angry or really nice so I don't know which one you'd like to read, or not read at all, but I really want to write to you again....

(Back up plan: Force third parties to be involved.  She can't hate on her... my only problem will be when my third party turns her back on me...)

I don't want to do anything.

I failed at all my dreams and aspirations.

I can only celebrate with empathy.

Change of Strategy

I really can't do anything slow.

I HAVE to do everything fast.

So the thing I have to actually work on, is LOOKING OVER MY WORK.

If she didn't read my first message, NONE of the afterones would have made sense... fuck, now I feel stupid.  Wish she would have responded but noOoO she's fucking immature as fuck.

I'm in love with everything about you except what I don't know about you. And when I learn those things that I don't know about you... I'll love those things too.

LOL my own quotes makes me feel so giddy about myself... lala I'm sooo cool.

Show your heart and you get burned. 

10 Day Challenge, Day 10

Ah, today concludes this ten day challenge series.  It's been fun, and has been keeping me on BlogSpot... though I think other thoughts made me blog here more than normal, I've even forgetten about the challenege for a couple of days.  Anyways,

10. One confession

I want to die instantly with no pain right now.  I'm really tired of being deceived and confused with everything that's going on.  I don't give a fuck... I don't give a fuck... and there are those thoughts that makes me such a hypocrite, which is stupid because I am who I am, and just fuck it!  I don't know, what the fuck, how come she just left me like that...

And what the fuck, this is not even a confession.  Well, I guess it is embarrassing, feeling that need to die because only losers feel that way?  I don't know, but why the fuck did she just leave me like that... I feel so deceived and stupid... not like I invested real capital on her, but the emotional toll I have and time I've put in devastates me... fuck!

Everything I do Offline is Inconsistent

... would feel so out of character.  I can't say or do anything with the friends I currently have, because it will disrupt the consistency I have had over the years.  I've learned in my Psychology class that we try to maintain this consistency that we always have,and if its altered in any way, it would make us very uncomfortable.

We also tend to follow those who we believe knows us best, to verify what we think of ourselves...  I don't know where this comes from, but it makes me wonder what she really thinks about herself... maybe I thought too highly of her?

Dammit, I hella disrupted my consistency by blogging on Tumblr... I'll NEVER reveal my shit to anyone again, Lol.  

Last Line

"In your last message you said no more messages, but I'm hoping commenting isn't the same as messaging, so here's a comment:  Hope you're doing well and don't mind that aggressive attempt message I sent on Basil. I didn't mean it, and I sent it right before you sent your message.  I was experimenting again and thought that you didn't like me because I was too passive. Sorry for my attempt in trying to be not-passive..."

I just keep making baseless assumptions, after assumptions.  The best approach to bring her back is to communicate with her directly.  However, the problem is that she refuses to open any lines for me to communicate with her at all.  She blocked most routes to communication, and the only ones available at the moment that I would be comfortable are, Blogspot, and Youtube.  Both have limited space to what I want to say, and they are places to "message", something she clearly stated she didn't want me to do.  Though, on Youtube, I think "comments" would be okay... comments are not messages, right? Which would be my justification for pushing the boundaries.

I do have my own boundaries though.  Things I would not do, would be to create a new account on any one of those sites, and fake it, and then drawing her in, and finally letting it all out.  I'm not going to be deceptive, and I really want to be honest.

Though the only honest thing, if I can be blunt, or if my heart can speak... the only honest words that exists is I love you and I want to always be with you... please come back, I truly love you. 

10 Day challenge, Day 9

Ah shit, I forgot all about this.

9. Two smileys that describe your life right now

1. '~'

2. ._.

:T

How Are You?

Doing great.
Feeling terrible.

The Earthquake Finale

So we're standing together on an island, and the ground beneath us begins to shake.

It's a mother fucking earthquake, that's going to split us apart, literally.

So the ground beneath me is moving west, the ground beneath her is shifting east, and we're like nOoOOo!

And our last words.....

Me:  Your last words to me was "spamming".  now every time I eat spam, I'll think of you.  Your turn.
Her: ....

She can't talk anymore because the earthquake separated us until our voices can no longer reach each other.

The end.

"Don't forget her, but move on."

Maybe she'll be happy if I thought like that...

Because of her I have higher standards now... it has to be her, if not, better in all of her traits, and I have to be feelin it... she raised the bar up so high.

... and because of her, I believe in love again.

Why couldn't you tell me that seven months ago... you inconsiderate piece of shit!

there is more than one truth...

I didn't want to let you know that I didn't stay committed to you.  My feelings ran wild, and I felt like moving on... it wouldn't hurt I thought, it wouldn't hurt you because you didn't like me.

But it hurt me.

For now, I have to respect her last message, and avoid "spamming" her.  I guess one buddy request a day isn't spam.  I'll interrupt her 11:11 wish as I request it.

Patience is a virtue

too light winning make the prize light

WHEW

I thought she felt that I was emotionally cheating on her, but she didn't, just mad at what I did....

Or maybe the truth would have been better, that I actually did consider talking and dating that other girl...

SIGH, NEVER GOING TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN.  I'm going to ask for consent to the girl  I really like next time, and if it's not going anywhere, I HAVE TO TELL HER.

It's fucking stupid to forget.

It's fucking stupid to forget.

It's fucking stupid to forget.

It's fucking stupid to forget

It's fucking stupid to forget.

It's fucking stupid to forget

It's fucking stupid to forget.

It's fucking stupid to forget

It's fucking stupid to forget.

It's fucking stupid to forget

It's fucking stupid to forget.

It's fucking stupid to forget

ehHEHEHEHE.

"Judging the mistakes of strangers is an easy thing to do... and it feels pretty good." - SPUTNIK SWEETHEART

That quote has no relation to what I'm about to say.

And I think I know why I'm not crying.  I have it embedded in my mind that a man cannot cry until its all over.  And it isn't over, it never was over!

That's why I have to remind myself: a month from now... thump thump thump.

Saturday was my uncle's birthday, and a few of my cousins came over to my house.  We celebrated it in my house, because my uncle wanted to celebrate it at my house.  I guess its because its bigger and there's a lot of space.

So while waiting for my birthday uncle, my other uncle, auntie, and cousin decided to visit my grandpa's grave, and so we went... and like on the way I asked where my cousins BF was, because she's always with him, and she was like w/e, I don't care.

And then after visiting my grandpa, we arrive home and her BF was there with my other cousin and his GF, and he just like went up and kissed her or w/e, and it was so cute wtf, I thought they were like in a relationship turmoil...

And its like what can I do in situations like this... NOTHING AT ALL, because its LDR, unless I like show how not creepy I am IRL which is my goal right now, I have to meet her to verify that she's not the one, or if she's the one.  I know I'm all around kick ass!

So yeah, we celebrated... hella fun.  We had a 4 vs 4 basketball game.  My team lost, but my stat line was like 6-2-4 or something, playing up to 16 points.  I think I did pretty good in the beginning because I was like passing it to everyone and I stole the ball like twice or something lol.  It was like a playground, they were riding our bikes around our backyard, doing pull ups in our pull up bar and so much outdoor fun @_@  I LOVE FAMILY.. unconditional love <3 ...="" about="" because="" don="" forever.="" fucking="" have="" nbsp="" p="" personality="" re="" t="" tied="" to="" together="" up="" we="" worry="" you="" your="">

Love Summary

So maybe the prophecy thing was right.

This is the thing I'm referring to: "Before you can grow up, you must fall in love three times. Once you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more. Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as any less than you deserve. And once you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be.
And when you're through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that hurt you, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that you needed the most.

But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and not something that can be defined, it is different to each person that experiences it. And you will learn to respect each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved."

Maybe I completed this, and I'm set free!

Just a side note though, but I've "loved" a girl that's too tall, too fat, and too ugly. Maybe the next one is the "too perfect"? Lol. I'm not saying that too tall, too fat, or too ugly in a disparaging way though, because that's really what they looked like physically, but I absolutely loved their inner qualities which made me, well, love them.

So yeah, this person must have been the third one.  What I want to be:  Hella fucking rich, hella fucking rich, hella fucking rich!  And then keep all my money somewhere to ruin the economic distribution in our country. 

If I don't fuck up, it means I don't love her.

Empathy of the Earth

Usually during these tumultuous times in my head,I'd cry... but I really didn't.  I think I tried to which caused me to go temporary insane, but I really couldn't shed a tear.

But today, in the middle of all these sunshiny weather, it happens to rain today.  Perhaps the sky is crying for me, knowing that I can't cry.

And that'll do.

Dammit, I WAS JUST PLAYING WITH THE HIT COUNTER.

And bitch you didn't say please.

10 Day Challenge, Day 8

8. Three turn ons

1. Cries a lot
2. Talks to me
3. Blogs (apparently all the girls I've ever liked, blogged)

Edit: June 2, 2013, 12:00 Noon.  Instead of "talks to me", I'd say really loves me and appreciates me genuinely... I think I want a relationship where I am loved.

the thing about falling for someone after being friends...

Is that you don't know how to act once you realize you fell...

You start doing different things... like maybe it was just for attention?

But really, try staying the same... just be the same, and that was my problem... I tried changing for her... I tried to imitate the people whom she probably would like.


But I'm not like that.  I'm really not like that.  I was who I was, and what I tried to be, I am not.

But maybe I am who I tried to be: I am that process of what I was trying to be.

Was I just trying to manipulate her into thinking what the kind of person she thinks she likes?

I don't know.

And I probably won't, because I don't, and only God knows.  I'm only humans, and each human's different...

There's nothing I could have done, but I felt that I have the capabilities to do so, because we are all human and we can do what other humans can do, right?

But each human ignites a certain feeling towards other humans that can't be imitated... that I think, cannot be immitated.  This is why first impressions count so much... I guess.

I don't know.

When they fall in love, they are truly blind with it, allowing it to consume them.

Consumed right now, yes.

lalala~

hearing from you was like listening to a really good song
stalking you was like downloading that song illegally.

10 Day Challenege, Day 7

7. Four turn offs

1. Bigotry
2. Slippers with jeans
3. Smells bad (a lot of perfume smells bad too)
4. Weird make-up

reflection phase

she said I was too calm 

And I guess my non calm form wasn't good enough... but I think I am naturally really passive and calm because I don't give a fuck about anything.

I don't like you

Fucking dumbass.  I said I only care about myself, and caring for myself means I only care about liking you.  I don't give a fuck if you like me or not. 

Nutrition Facts

I've learned somewhere that the labels are misleading.

But I don't think much people read them anyway.

I think Nutrition Facts should be like this, or at least have a label that tells people this:

CHOCOLATE CAKE:  Makes you fat

Or tells what it does to your brain.

CHOCOLATE CAKE:  Makes you fat, makes you more aggressive, lazy

10 Day Challenge, Day 6

6. Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

- Lol, I'll lump them all together: ENTIRE FAMILY

 -A

- C

- J

- My future wife.

Knowing that you HAVE to do something...

May be the best feeling in the world.

Last Words

"To put this bluntly, you're creepy. I didn't think I'd have to spell it out for you, but you obviously you can't take a hint. I don't like you and I wasn't going to respond to your messages. But there are boundaries and you've pushed it. You're downright stalkerish. You should stop lurking my tumblr. It's creepy that you managed to find my new one and visited my old one like 500 times a day. I won't read or respond to any further messages, quit spamming."

Hah, this is how it ends... in the end, as best friends as we were for four months, it ends like this:

Me holding on as long as possible,

her not caring at all.

And I guess there are people like that, but it is what it is.  I'm not sad, because I fought til the bitter end.

Thus concludes the love that I thought was meant to be.

The worst that can happen now is me reclusing from the world and people there by my side when I'm trying to recluse.

What I learned:  Skeptical, or non skeptical, don't think about it because being either way will hurt you in the end.  Also, to get answers, you have to become creepy.  Also, don't wait, it's always Now or Never. Actually I was always a Now or Never type of person, its just that I became cautious just recently, and yeah, maybe its more of to stop being so cautious?

What I hope she learned:  To be more blunt?

God I'm glad its not her... she's sorta  "ehh", lol. 

More of a reason to recluse...

at least just tiny happy moments.... make me incredibly happy.
But I have to realize it first.

10 Day Challenge, Day 5

5. Six things you wish you'd never done

1.  Ask for a computer
2.  Talk
3.  Eat
4.  Breathe
5.  Go to college
6.  Think

And so

And so it transforms to extreme hatred.

Anger is the last resort to the pathetic.

Anger is the last resort to the pathetic.
Anger is the last resort to the pathetic.
Anger is the last resort to the pathetic.
Anger is the last resort to the pathetic.
Anger is the last resort to the pathetic.

This is how it should end... both parties angry at each other, unwilling to forgive.

Holding on for so long... being so patient, but trying a different approach.

The best way to leave without any regrets.

10 Day Challenge, Day 4

4. Seven things that cross your mind a lot

1. J.O. 
2. XXX
3. Death
4. Procrastinating
5. My future
6. The future
7.  Things that made me laugh in the past that makes me laugh out randomly

Tip of the Day

Just do it, because no matter how you're feeling, once you do it, you'll get into it, and all the negative energy will dissipate.

It was a coincidence...

I think its a coincidence now.  From what I gathered:

-She only likes and favorites videos on YouTube and she doesn't check her comment page.  Her old "About Me" is still there, and it looks as if she doesn't comment other people's pages.

-She recently added me to her ignored list on Gaia after she read my messages... I don't get it.

-But she started blogging again and deleted that one post right after I posted that YouTube comment.  But then again, it really doesn't look like she's tracking whoever is viewing her blog.   Maybe she just deleted it because she wasn't feeling that other guy anymore, or something happened between them.  Whatever it was though, it has to be a LoL guy, and from stalking her games she hasn't been playing with any of the people she usaually does in a constant basis anymore.

It's really difficult... why can't she just talk to me.  Oh yeah, she's a bad friend.

I really need to learn how to get rid of ideas.  Maybe the ideal kind of love I want really isn't ideal.  Maybe it's just meant to happen without anything that I always looked for.

Anyways, I'm going to get mad at her after the first week of July, if we don't make any contact by then.  May and June should be spent on research... (aka, reading Shingeki no Kyojin, specifically looking into Mikasa, and playing LoL, and perhaps reading more Psychology books, and studying her old blog and stuff).

So difficult too, because of her unconscious.  Why did she decide to fall in the hands of the White Guy?  It just doesn't match her ideal self.  Maybe that physicality really is a basic need, just like food.  I don't think she resists food so she doesn't resist guys like that I guess.  Sigh.  Everything is just so complicated.

From what she shows though, it really looks like she wants to just get away from me... but it's making me feel so sad and mad at the same time, because I really invested in her, put my time on her, and I was happy too... I'm never happy, but she made me happy.  I really want to show how much I hate her... but did I ever show how much I loved her?  I don't know anymore.  It's been so long.. and what if she hasn't been receiving how I've been trying to talk to her once every two weeks?

What if she sees that I just given up back then, and she never saw me try hard to become her friend again and that she's been over it for so long...

This really really... is pathetic of me.

I hope I die somehow tomorrow.

Well, I have to sleep now.  What an unproductive day.  I mean, week.  Er, month.  Or year... or life.  What an unproductive life.

I hope I die in my sleep.

I feel that I don't deserve being hurt and heartbroken so consecutively, and at the same time I feel that I don't deserve to be happy either...

I really do think that I'm better off dead.

So yeah, please pray that I die in my sleep.

... and it's not like she was ever interested in me in the first place.

10 Day Challenge, Day 3

3. Eight ways to win your heart


1. Be her

2. Because

3. She won my heart already.

4. I don't want.

5. Anyone.

6. Else.

7. So yeah,

8. You have to be her.

In a realistic perspective though, I'll never be with her.

-When a girl doesn't fix her hair while walking past you. Less than slash three.

-Last two days of June, I have to get to SoCal somehow...

-I have to study her ideal self, and then once we get back (because we will if I don't give up), I can help her become her ideal self...

-I realize that I don't hate her, I only hate her absence.

-I noticed that from a very young age, my ears dilate to everyone around me, so I was always naturally self-conscious.  It might not be a good idea to inhabit an overstimulating area such as a large classroom.

10 Day Challege, Day 2

2. Nine things about yourself

1.  I appear introverted but I'm just a failed extrovert.

2.  I stay home and sleep all day.

3.  I learn from my mistakes in my head only, becase I make the same mistakes again anyway.

4.  I like puns.

5.  I enjoy long showers.

6.  I have really unstable mood changes.

7.  I think I have a XXY chromosome, which prevents me to feel confident about myself.

8.  I laugh at random times.

9.  I'm in love but she hates me and hasn't said anything to me in a time longer than how long we've been friends.

10.  My favorite book is The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. 

When talking I should...

When I'm talking I should start with...

This is what I think:

This is how I feel:

It really opens up conversations, ones that I'm satisfied with at least.

"Hi! What team do you want to win?"

What I think:  I think I  want the Spurs should win because I want to see the Spurs face the Heat.  I want Duncan to have another ring,.. though I'm a big fan of Z-Bo.  I feel that this is the Spurs's last chance with Duncan at his best, though with Danny Green and Kawaii Leonard, I think we'll still see them in the playoffs...

How I feel:  BUT I want the Grizzlies to win, because I'm a Z-Bo fan, and its like the end of the contract for all their players, so actually I think I want the Grizzlies to win.

Yeah, I want the Grizzlies to win, because I think Spurs will have a chance at it again next season. I don't know, when does Duncan become a free agent?

10 Day Challenge, Day 1

10 Day Challenge
1. Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now
2. Nine things about yourself
3. Eight ways to win your heart
4. Seven things that cross your mind a lot
5. Six things you wish you'd never done
6. Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
7. Four turn offs
8. Three turn ons
9. Two smileys that describe your life right now
10. One confession

1. Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

1.  Hi.  WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN.  WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME.  If only my heart agreed with my mind I would stop trying.  I should stop trying.  But I think I'm in love with you, and without attaching myself to you, I'll have these really dark thoughts that are painful to me (even though I know I can handle it). Just say something to me... just say that you don't like me.  Just tell me to GTFO.  Just tell me you despise my existence like what this other-person that-told-her-friend-that-she-couldn't-tell-me-in-front-of-my-face

2.  Call, no texting please, I don't have a texting plan.

3.  The only reason why I'm not stopping you from going, or moving down south is that... if you did move down there, I think I'll feel closer to her because she lives down there. 

4.  HAH, you really don't give a shit about me.

5.  OHOHOHOHO, is this why you ditched me on Thursday?!?!

6.  You've changed, ever since you married her... I don't think you're a good match at all.  Sure your income may be up, but other than that, you two are really different, from what I see, and it really looks like she doesn't love you... its just my observations.  I'm not going to tell you this directly though because I don't see you or talk to you everyday.

7.  I think you stopped talking to me because I didn't tell you something.  Oops!

8.  HAH, you really don't give a shit about me either!

9.  aHAHAH, and YOU, don't really give a shit about me either.

10.   Hi, I stalk your Tumblr almost everyday even though we haven't spoken to each other in four years, and talked to for six.  I just genuinely like who you are, that's all.  Please understand that it's not being creepy!

OHOHOHOHOHOHO.

She seems okay for now though... I shouldn't make a move. But she just started summer break... and she's not doing much from what I've researched...

Is now the best time to initiate Phase: GET HER BACK.?

I think I'll send a hate message in the peak of her happiness.

...because I don't want her to be happy without me.

Dropping the bomb.

 I now deem you as a really bad friend and I officially hate you now.

What the hell is this Tomodachi shit.  You're no friend, you treat us like shit just like your face with makeup. You're the opposite, deceiving people with your name, just like your fake personality.  All you do is care about yourself, just like the American Government, self seeking, self satisfying, and dishonest.  You creatures are despicable and I know that's why you suck the red white and blue dick.  You two are two of a kind and can empathize with one another because you only care about your own self-interests and own well-being.  People like you is what holds this country back.

I can only see you as an immature attention seeker who hopes to gain attention from those other 10, 20, or, or and, 100 boys and I'm glad I'm not part of the contraction you obtained; that virtual STD through the wireless signalling from your only genuine lover, your Laptop.

I needed you for the things you've said, and I felt that I could trust you, but you are a socially inept cowardly immature hypocrite.  I can't believe how much energy I invested in you.  I can't even believe thethings I've said about you, and that you have a good inside because you don't.

I can't believe everything we talked about actually meant something to me. I can't believe I've been thinking about this longer than the time that we've been actually friends.  What the hell.

Honesty: 2/10
Communication: 8/10
Helpfulness: 5/10
Fun Factor/Humor: 2/10
Understanding: 6/10
Reliability: 4/10
Trust: 1/10

Overall Rating: 4/10 

(I really don't mean this, sorry, this is just an experiment to see if you'd talk to me again.. and well, I'm considerate BTW coz I'm sending this after your Finals. Also, just a little change in mood because I think I should change my kind/stupid/silly methods because they are clearly not working. PLEASE don't take this seriously or you can, whatever, this is just an EXPERIMENT.  AN EXPERIMENT.)

I really don't want to hurt you, but when I get mad, I make sure the recipient is hurt.  It's all or nothing for me when I'm angry.

edited with a revamped rating system.

So I think I'm going to have a minor in Biology.  I think its funny and I feel good about it.

Be honest using your mind, not heart.

"Hi.  I don't know if i'm in the position to say this, but I'll say it anyway.  How are you doing? Or, it may be a  stupid question since I stalk your Tumblr anyways, and from the looks of it, you're doing fine, so that's like my assumption."

She really doesn't give a fuck about me...

It really won't last if its all one sided.... no wonder her friends leave her, she doesn't give a fuck.

Madman Xeno

I think its okay for me to be a twisted madman around other people... its not like I'll be their friend, in a long lasting relationship anyway.

Socializing

I notice that I like it when I'm assigned to a group.  I really like socializing once I'm assigned like that... BUT I hate going up to people by choice, initiating something to say, and stuff like that.  Maybe its my nature to just leave things as it is, and I really like it that way... I really like leaving things as it is.

My Oath

I plan to stay committed until she flats out rejects me.

... and it's back.

I had a dream about her!  Weird dream though, it was a dream about me stalking her Tumblr.

Anyways, I think because of this dream, my feelings are back.

I woke up in such a good mood.  Not overly joyous, just the normal kind of mood that I hope to wake up to everyday.

I finished All That She's Worth. It's supposed to be a really good book, and I blame the translator for not making it really good, and not only that, because I had bad experiences with books he translated in the past.

Also heard that Pink song this morning, Just Give Me a Reason, and now I set it on repeat like a madman.

Speaking of madmans, I'm also tired of drawing Jesus everywhere on my notebook when I'm bored in class.  I think I'll start drawing Fredrich Nietzche everywhere now instead.