tbh

If people don't say "to be honest" does that mean they are lying.

The only reason why I go online is to stalk her...

I am so creepy.

Sylvia Plath uses a lot of adverbs in her diary... but then again, she's only writing for herself.  Like what I am supposed to be doing.

I also watched Ratatouille.  The scene with all the hanged rats disturbed me so much, and it is because of that scene that I may never want to watch that movie again.  I thought the movie was fantastic though.

I went to church today.

The opening song was on page 666.

On second thought, I have no one.  If the now matters, there is no one now, nor is there anyone in the future.

The friends I now think I have were all in the past.

I thought I was going to die when I was in college.  Since I've finished, and I haven't died, my future is screwed.

Because I am not dead now.

Unless I can make myself dead... ha... ha... ha.

Enough with this "in the real world" shit.  Stop saying whatever you're saying is the real world.  You're just talking about capitalism and being a slave to money.  That is no way associated with "the real world." So shut the fuck up.

...I wish I was never exposed to the Dobe Joansi, Hopi Indians, thoughts of death, genetics, and modern entertainment.

When I try to reason with everything, I try to neglect my emotions as much as possible, and doing that makes me go crazy.

Is it because doing what's "right" and within reason is satisfying an external emotion?  Like another way of caring about others.  Reasoning is about caring about others other than yourself?

Or am I going crazy because it is entirely impossible to change perception?  Everything I see, and everything I do, is all about me, and how it relates to me, and I can't change it no matter what because I am me anyways?

I can't understand people. I think the only thing I can do is relate to them... even though they will never relate to me.

?!?!?!

I really can't put my thoughts into words.

What about this?

Life is a competition, with predetermined results.

I keep trying to convince myself that I am alone and I have no friends... but I really do, in retrospect there were people in college that I actually talked to in a daily basis, and... stuff.

-I shared a glass of wine with this girl who was attractive.  But I liked someone else.

-I went shopping with this girl who was attractive, but i liked someone else.

-I talked to this cool, (well obviously he's cool because he's black), black guy on the train everyday, and we had deep meaningful conversations.

-I got along really well with this artist white girl.

-I worked really well with this Mexican girl with essentially with the same name as my brother (first and last name).

-I feel that I am best friends with this one Chinese guy.

-One high school friend of mine still talks to me, even though there's like a three week interval in between, still, she initiates conversation with me.

-And I have all my online friends.

I am not a loner, but I always tell myself that I am.

Maybe because there is not a single person who waits and waits for me to talk to them, like how I wait for her to talk to me.  If she talks to me again, then I probably wouldn't be writing something like this.

I think the next Pokemon game will be a Hoenn x Kalos crossover.  Both games have events that refer to a war 3,000 years ago.  A battle between Zygarde and Rayquaza.  And they are both green!  So I think it will be another sequel Pokemon game like Black and White 2, and would both emcompass both Kalos and Hoenn regions, just like what Generation 2 did, AND will have the Battle Frontier and Juan.

Societal pressure sucks when it does not have the same ideals as you.

I tried killing myself again yesterday.  My belt was too short, and could not properly tie around the bars of the stairs... or I couldn't tie it properly.  Dammit, should have been a boy scout.

RIP HAIR

Battle Maison 50 Consecutive Wins

Pokemon Alpha Sapphire, 50th battles against the Battle Chatalaine

Super Single Battle vs Nita:  X6UW-WWWW-WWWG-M8CH

Super Double Battle vs Evelyn: ZN5G-WWWW-WWWG-6DTD

Super Triple Battle vs Dana:  T8QW-WWWW-WWWH-JWTB

Super Rotation Battle Vs Morgan:  E8JG-WWWW-WWWH-ZNBL

Super Multi Battle Vs Nita and Morgan: (Forgot to press record!  I was up against Virizion/ Thundurus/ Terakion/ Landorus.  This is the only mode where my team lost.  I lost at the 43rd battle my first play through.)  

Got my 50 consecutive wins in Super Doubles!

With...

Kangaskhan
Milotic
Aegislash
Landorus

Also beat each Master Rank in Contest Spectacular three times for the statue for my Super Secret Base.

Got my 50 consecutive wins in Super Singles!

Found all Megastones and TMs, beat Lisia in a Master Contest, and captured 718 Pokemon.

All I want to do now is to get 800 more flags to get Platinum Rank on the Super Secret Base Guild, and win 50 consecutive wins in Super Doubles, Triples, Rotations, and Multi (I wonder if I will get another monument?)

Also visited my old elementary school in Richmond... it's the same.  I love it.

Watch this battle of mine... Lol (Connect through the PSS then use VS Recorder and enter the code)

7VDG-WWWW-WWWE-4NV8

Since a young age, I did not really pay attention to brand names... but right now I'm staring at a DURACELL battery... and that has got to be the most sick name ever!!! DURACELL!!! Like a very durable cell.

Finished Pokemon Alpha Sapphire *___*

My team was...

-Cosplay Pikachu (Icicle Crash Form)
-Froakie->Greninja (I used the lvl 5 one that I got from Shauna at the end of Pokemon X)
-Treecko->Sceptile (Never started with Treecko, but started with Mudkip my first Hoenn playthrough and Blaziken is in my competitive team)
-Castform


HM Mules:
-Feraligator (Rock Smash, Strength, Surf, Dive)
-Driftloon (Fly, Cut, Flash, Secret Power)

Pokemon gets so much more fun with a fully EV'd Mega Kangaskhan...

i had a dream about her again.

but when i woke up, i did not think much of it.

it's been almost 11 hours since, and i barely thought of my dream.

usually, i would be so... happy.

i guess time and distance really does kill feelings.

out of sight, out of mind... so sad.  but i guess it should work.  if it didn't, how would we get over dead people?

So yesterday morning, I watched The Incredibles on Disney Channel.

The velcro line for me was, "If everyone is special than no one is!!!"

Last evening, I watched Up!

The velcro line I thought of, was something like "It is the boring parts of life that are most memorable!"

Yeah.  So now I'm going to watch Ratatouille.

I love Pixar!  Whoooooo go Emeryville!!!! I live like a few minutes away.

So I just woke up from depression...

AND I'M SO BEHIND IN LIFE.

And now that's making me depressed (but not really).

Maybe this is a cycle for other depressed people?!?!?

Had a dream where I was in my Hip Hop class but it was actually a Ballet class...

It was so fun and I was super flexible....

Could this be my purpose of life?  To train myself to become super flexible?

POKEMON SOULSILVER

Started a new game in Pokemon SoulSilver...

So funny.

My team was Ledian, a SERENE GRACE Togepi, Bayleef, Magmar, Geodude, and Gastly...

Then I traded my CHIMCHAR over from Diamond.

Chimchar (Started with Piplup first time, and did Turtwig for Platinum), caught a Natu, caught a Miltank and used HMs on her  (wish she was a fighting member of my team though) and while I was at it, traded Graveler and Haunter to get...

FINAL ELITE 4 TEAM BEFORE TRAVELING KANTO:

Raikou
Xatu
Golem
Gengar
Infernape
Meganium

They were all in the 40s so I had trouble with Lance's Dragonite...

So my strategy was put up REFLECT, then use Golem's EXPLOSION, REVIVE, EXPLOSION, REVIVE, EXPLOSION REVIVE.

Did not get much exp, but it's okay.

I've been so tired...

So many papers to write back to back...

And then I have this class where I have to do stuff out of campus.

I have two classes that require this...

I do not even leave my house when I do stuff to have fun.

Anyways, my brother bought Mortal Kombat Kollection.  Playing Shaolin Monks is so funny.

I don't think I like her anymore, and I know she doesn't like me, but why do I want to like her anyway?

New definition of success: Turning off the computer and getting over the girl who hates you.

I find myself trying to maximize the time to do nothing.

So... about San Andreas Fault.

I GO TO SCHOOL RIGHT ON IT.

I keep looking for posts that I delete.  I should remember to never delete anything. Ever.

Just keep writing.  It's because I don't write enough, that I am not being understood.

Laughter is not the answer

You know what I never do?

Convince myself that I have friends.

Conversations today left a bitter taste in my mouth.

The most recent one was with this Jehovah's witness.  I had a good experience conversing with one last time, so I thought this one would go well.  But it didn't.  The old man was like a possessed brick.  I could not sense any sentiment in his eyes.  A suffocating feeling.  I would not like to experience that again, and I am happy to say that I recluse myself from all people, especially people like that.

Did Franz Kafka really say "A first sign of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die."?  (Well of course he did not say it in English, it was translated from German.)

AND ANOTHER THING

Regarding 1Q84.

Not as engaging as his others' because it is in 3rd POV.

AND... I think he should have just ended it on volume 2.  It should have not ended with Tengo and Aomame meeting each other... should have made them search for each other for all eternity!  Just like how I am waiting for her. 

Of course she could not understand my actions.  SHE'S LEFT HANDED.  I am so dumb. And one of the reasons why I like her is because she is left handed.

YEAY I HAD A DREAM ABOUT HER.

It wasn't a good dream though, but whatever.

I always think that when I have a dream about someone, that same person has a dream about me too.

So I am hoping she had a dream about me...

The things that I was ever good at didn't matter to me.

So it didn't matter at all.

WOAH WAKE UP CALL.  SHOULD HAVE NOT STALKED.  SHE LOOKS SO CUTE.  FK, /fail stalk

I have also finished 1Q84.  It's not my favorite, but there are memorable parts that I would like to reread.  I would not want to read the whole thing again though, it is way too long, and the parts I do like happen only once every 200 pages.  I will list my favorite moments later.  The passages I would read over and over that I have to keep in mind.  And mostly, they pertain to her. 

I should stop reading Murakami.  Seriously. It's like, what I am getting most from it is self-destruction, with a mix of wishful illusions.  It's indirectly telling me that I must hold on to her.  Practically, I should not.  But it feels so natural to do so... I think I would still be in the same position even if I did not read Murakami anyway.  But these books help me cope, so much.  I would probably be dead without it.  I guess it's like a friend, because I do not have a friend to talk to, this book is like a friend who would have the same effects that a friend would have, excluding the hugging, the facial expressions, and the randomness... well, writing that was depressing, I really do need friends.

Anyways... I think I should just be a nurse. Lol, I'm too old to do anything new.  If only I looked older, my mind wouldn't say that I am young, and that there are countless possiblities.

Not that I really cared about any possibilities in my life.  I am perfectly comfortable where I am at, but it could be better.  I've never really like doing anything.

If only she was really a libra, that her views are of justice and if only I did not gravitate to how I believed I myself needed the same justice, if only she didn't like that other guy she probably would trust me, because I wouldn't do anything silly.  It was all anger that messed me up.  I should always remember that nothing is fair.  "Eye for an eye" they say, and I thought I was doing justice, but it was a misunderstanding and it backfired.  I really think this was the reason, and I could never explain it, I don't think she would have understand.

Three months later...

So what is there to gain?

I should have responded you and your friendship because you are important.  fml

But she should know.

So at first when I saw her new picture in her instagram, my reaction was WHO IS SHE SHOWING HER BARE ARMS TO.  She never posts public pictures revealing her bare arms.  Okay, that's it, she must have moved on, most definitely moved on...

But my brother said it's 100 degrees down there, so now I am like... okay, that makes sense.

Sometimes I think I am so attracted to her because of how she repels me.  Is that why I like her?  Because she doesn't like me, and deep in my conscience I don't like me either, and that's why?  Or is it because I am attracted by how I think she's smart: in not liking me back, not trusting me because I am not trustworthy, because that's how I see myself... unreliable with emotional crescendos.

Maybe I can move on if I like myself deep down.  Which is impossible!  It's in my nature to be humble. But then again, I said deep down.  Past the shallowness of humble-ality.

Now laughter looks ugly.  I can't laugh at things I usually laugh at anymore.  Laughing looks sick.

 Instant information is not for me. I prefer to search library stacks because when I work to learn something, I remember it.
-Harper Lee

I take it back, 1Q84 is good, I am just not addicted to it like a Harry Potter book.  But it's thought provoking and makes me self-reflect.  Food for my soul.

I like how Aomame refrains from being in a relationship, and that she can survive knowing that she has loved someone in the past and will continue loving him even if she never sees him again.  I am a huge fan of one loves like this... also she hopes she'll cross paths with him in the future, and she believes she will by chance, and if that doesn't happen then it's not meant to be, but she'll continue loving him even if she never sees him again.  So cute, I want to be like that... Lol, I think it's how I'll treat this one girl I like right now, since it's been so long... well, for me it has been.  It has been the longest time I have ever liked someone so far in my life, consistently at least.

...

Anyways, I am so happy she made her instagram public again Lol.

So like... I have no arm hair or chest hair, EVER.  But I have one abnormal strand of hair growing from my nipple (seriously!!!).  And I have like two strands of hair growing around both my nipple, but that's not weird as the strand that is growing from my nipple (like half a centimeter from the nipple dot-ball thing).

No wonder I am not growing.  I see myself as a boy because I have no man hair.

Can't get into 1Q84... I am disappointed with my last two purchases, I think I am done with Murakami... I only really liked The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, A Wild Sheep Chase, Dance Dance Dance, and Norwegian Wood, but only because I was in the process of either getting over this girl, holding on, or chasing after her, and I have already did all the holding on and chasing I can do.  I am tired, and hopefully the far future has a place for the love I have yearning for her.  Or I can take what I gathered in retrospect and become a dark loner who hates everybody and any sign of affection given to me, and not trusting anyone ever again.

I feel ten times older when I have really short hair and it bothers me.  How about when I really turn old... that'll bother me so much.  Well, maybe not if I destroy all mirrors, and anything else that can show a reflection.

blehasdf

If someone asks me what my goal in life is...

I'll just say that it's to move to Australia.

more earthquake thoughts

The earthquake should have came sooner.  Like on August 11.  Same place, but sooner.  Same place in Napa.  A few miles up north from where I live, and right where Robin Williams lived...

Perhaps it could have saved Robin Williams.  He ties the belt around his neck, suspending it in the closet, successfully has everything down.  All he needs to do is wait a few minutes to die... but suddenly, EARTHQUAKE, and the belt falls, thus he falls, saving his life.

I just could never translate it into words

And I still can't.

Ever since my birth, I did not want to see the world.

Because...

When I was born, the placenta came out first.  And then me.  I knew unconsciously from the beginning, without any knowledge of the world, without any knowledge of what I would become, I knew that I would not like it here...

Thus I said, "hey placenta, you go first, they want to take something out and they have to take you, not me.  I don't want to go out there."

Just a thought. But really, the placenta came out before I did.  I could have died then.

EARTHQUAKE

The lights were flickering from across the street and my window was open so it's like there was lightning.

My first thoughts were... wow I'm so scurred, if I have kids they will have a cowardly father.  

I was having a good dream too... about her, even though I am supposed to be moving on...

more things I think about after reading Tsurururur

- People actually like structure and being controlled.  I think I like it too actually...

-And I think what annoyed me most is how they were overexaggerating about taking a chance to meet his friend, flying an 11 hr flight to see his friend without telling his friend that he will see her, and just hoping by chance that she will agree to see him once he's there

... well I've been in a similar situation, driving for 8 hours, and waiting in line for four hours hoping to see this girl I like, or who was my favorite friend, but my other friend did not want me to bump into her (she was hanging out with my other friend) and so I missed my chance in seeing that friend... made me so sad.  THIS IS IRL we're talking about.  It was by chance too, I was not even sure if that girl I like would be with the friend I was going to meet... I was relying on hope for her to be there, and she was there, I just did not get to meet her... I was so close.

No fair, fiction characters always get what's best for them... well their fate is decided by the author... I'd like a word with the author in the story of my life.

I finished Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage. 

It gave sorta the overall theme South of the Border West of the Sun gave, if I am to compare it with Murakami's other novels.  Which, I got, basically, about facing your past.  I was hoping it would be more like A Wild Sheep Chase, Dance Dance Dance, Wild Up Bird Chronicle-like.  But it is what it is, and I own it.  I just wished I owned a Murakami book that I really really really liked, and would reread.

Anyways, THOUGHTS.  THOUGHTS on the novel.  I guess I am sort of jealous of Tsukuru, because he was able to get closure, and he had friends and all that.  I was not able to get closure with my main problems and I still feel like I am dying but I liked how we were able to relate in that respect.  It took him sixteen years for his closure, and I am only sitting at two years.  So it's okay, I can wait...

I was hoping I can just... refresh my brain and move on, but this book made me want to hold on to her even more, and that makes me sad because I cannot understand her anymore... I don't know how she liked me if she did but I am certain that if she was going to do this to me, there must have been some feeling she felt... I don't think she would even treat garbage this way... so that's that, I am holding on because it feels natural. I'll hold on until I don't feel like it anymore.  Not like there's a consequence after not feeling it anymore anyway, but I doubt it will happen.

The feeling is also enhance by my recent addiction to this cover



I am so going to die when it's all over Lol

because we are defined by our habits.

I like to show off that I read.  I miss Xanga, where there would be an option to show off what you are currently reading when you post.

I am tired how I am known to just play video games all the time.  I do not want to be known as a video game guy.

Because... I really don't play games. The misunderstanding me is annoying....

The last game I played was Pokemon X, and before that I played a bit of Ar Tonelico back in March, but other than that, I can't even remember the last game I played and completed.  Seriously.  I think it was Final Fantasy IX back in the summer of 2012.  I do not even own a new generation console, I stopped at the PS2.  The PS3 is still new to me, and now there's even a PS4!

Well I guess I did play a little MapleStory, but I just log in to do my farm, I don't train, I don't even stay logged in for 10 minutes.

I guess it's just my fault, that I do not tell people what I am doing, because what I am doing is literally waiting for this one girl I used to talk to a lot to talk to me again, but it's been two years and she won't talk to me again... if only she did not have a tracker on her blog she would have never knew I checked up on her blog five thousand times a day and we would have still been friends...

Well I guess being called a person who plays games all day is better than being called a creepy stalker.

Serious stalker face, with stalker dogs Doby and Bones... and showing off MapleStory hoodie. 

So I finished reading through Daul Kim's blog...

-Someone agrees with me, that communism is beautiful.  I do not feel so alone anymore in that respect.

-She also questions being logical, and that we're logical so we feel secure and safe... it's a behavioral mechanism to protect one's self.  I can see that.

-She also likes guys who smile back and are happy... like me!  I can be happy and smile.

-Be aggressive in getting what you want.

Maybe I can move on knowing that the girl I liked was selfish?  Maybe I should like someone who is more of a community type of person.. some conformist.  All the girls I've liked emphasized individuality and I noticed how different they are compared to the masses... but meh, I can't really predict anything, and it's not like I'm looking for anyone anyways.

It's whatever!

I also noticed I started blogging here right after she died... she died November 19, 2009.. and my first post is November 16, 2009... I need to carry on her legacy!  Too bad I am no model... maybe I should try to be a model.  I should have been a model, all those Filipino beauty people always say so... or are they just saying that?

 But they've always been saying that.

This song is addicting




Books I should read:
Sophie's World Jostein Gaarder
Milan Kundera's
Madji Murat Tolstoy

Anyways, now I just have to listen to all the songs she listened to.

"i am a dirty guilty selfish person

and this brings comfort


i am a honest truthful giving loving person

this brings discomfort and pain"


-Daul Kim

I got mah books!!!

Except, Tsururururu was damaged.

It's okay though, I'd rather have it damaged than going to the store and asking to exchange.

This should last me until school starts. 

I was thinking about

How she suffocated me first.

I don't think I should be super fit... or at least do everything I can to be super fit.

Because what happens when I get super fit?  What if I still get depressed and suicidal?

At least, when I'm between being fit and chubby I can get dark thoughts and say, oh I just need to work out, maybe this constant sadness is because I'm fat!

And so that's the solution, working out for an hour or two...

But if I'm super fit I'll just blame myself.  I won't be able to shake out the sadness, because there's no weight to lose...

I don't know the perfect solution to coping anymore.  I really really really thought it was laughter.

I PASSED ARRABBIATA ON EXPERT.

He died the same way I wanted to die.  Without any signs, no note, no anything... just hanging himself with a belt.

Now I can't do that if I want to be different.

Why was I a little happy when I read hanging?  Was it because when I read "asphyxiation," the primary thought I had of his method was actually hanging himself?

Damnit why'd he have to do this, now I can't use being funny as a cover up, they will all suspect me.  I know it's been always like this, but laughter is supposed to be the best medicine.  Abraham Lincoln was the same way, but he did not kill himself.  William's death defies the meaning of laughter.  Fuck. Holy fucking shit.

Addicted to reading about all these people who hanged themselves on Wikipedia.
I felt like I read about them before.  But I forgot.  But after reading about it again, I remember.
I am convinced that life gets worse as you get older.

Lots of models.  Most of them were young models.  Or maybe it is because I noticed the models more than any other kind.  Beautiful people suiciding?

This Korean Model from France hung herself, and she read Emerson's Self Reliance.  That's what I do too.  Even Emerson couldn't save her.  An American hero, not a France hero. She went that far to read about him... I would think there would be more prominent people outside of the United States with the same ideas as him...

I think once you think about killing yourself, it never leaves you.
Just one thought of it, and it's with you forever.
You will always go back to the thought, no matter what position in life you are in.

I feel that my cousin still thinks about it.  He talks too much and laughs too much, and he keeps saying God is good, life is good, but I highly doubt it considering his position in life and what he talks about... I don't like him, but I hope he realizes that life isn't good and embraces life regardless.

So strange, I was re watching George Carlin videos right before I read that Robin Williams died.  A week before, I wanted to watch Hook as well, and I was imitating that little black boy eating the imaginary sandwich on the kitchen table when my brother came home to visit.

Comedians... my dental hygienist suggested that I become one, and one of my lab partners back in Chemistry said the same.  My psychological barriers prevent me from doing anything about it though.  I know I wouldn't feel comfortable.

I also read a little on the Hopi Indians.


I miss story mode on Pokemon X.  It's my favorite one.

When I say favorite, I don't mean in terms of story, game play, graphics, or design.

I say it's my favorite because it resonates with me.  Especially as of now, since I feel like I trust the whole transcendental perspective thing, about beauty and stuff.  It makes sense to me.

Anyways, I like Shauna.  She's just like me, being left alone with her memories, as she watches everyone else move on... and I think I am like Tierno too, who just feels like dancing all the time. I always feel bad when I beat Serena though, she looks so sad when she loses in game. I purposely let her win once, but she did not make a happy face, I just blanked out.

I'm trying to get into competitive battling though.  I just don't know what Pokemon to use.  I know about EVs, IVs, and breeding and stuff, I just don't want to go through all that on a Pokemon that isn't good with the team... maybe I should just battle maison and farm BP, but even so, I do not know what Pokemon to use for that.  I subscribed to Pokebank, so I have my Swampert, Salamence, and Metagross who got me 63 straight wins in the Battle Tower  (remembering harsh memories losing to a horn drill and a Mega Horn by Heracross) back in Sapphire, but it's so different now, it's like this new generation is meant to destroy dragons.

Reading and researching about competitive battling defintely helps me get my mind off Jess though, and relationships in general.  Actually, no, I still think about her, it helps me feel less pain and helps me feel less obsessive about it.  Either way, I am naturally holding on. And when the feelings fade, then it fades.  But for now, it's there, so it's there.

I am thinking of a team with a Pokemon from each region. Hopefully that will limit my options.

Anyways, I don't want to neglect Silver Version.  I have the most fondest memories with Silver Version... and Soul Silver too, playing with my little cousin when my grandpa died.

POKEMON X QUOTES

"Looks alone don't mean anything.
And what's inside means even less."
-Nizam from the Battle Chateau (Pokemon X)

"Tomorrow is the only thing that comes to you even if you don't do anything.  Everything else in life has to be fought for, so go out and get what you want!"
-Dendemille Town link to Route 17 lady (Pokemon X)

"So bad guys are all like, 'we'll take over the world,' but I think it would be really hard to look after everybody."
-Kid in Dendemille Town

"Those who live life with a burning passion must eventually burn out and extinguish, right?
-Team Flare Grunt

"If both sides have something to say, maybe it's best to meet halfway..."
-Serena

"When we first set off on our journey, I thought it was really important how different I was from everyone else.  But that doesn't really matter, does it?  Of course I'm different from others.  I'm the only me!"
-Serena

So I got a 3DS...

I was kind of mad, because I wasn't even into games anymore.  It was the same when I got Pokemon Diamond, I got a DS Lite just for Pokemon Diamond and did not even wring out any joy from it... initially that is.

But after playing for two hours and adding a couple of my friends, I felt a connection to the world, even if its something childish, I felt like a member of society.  People in society do these things.  People who play these things are part of society regardless.  Because people I know play these things, I feel like I am connected to them, because I am doing what they are doing.  And so I felt overwhelming connectedness, which lifted me out of darkness...

maybe for a little while.  But for now, Chesnaught bitchesss!!@

I nicknamed my main team after stand-up commedians I have watched on YouTube.  Amaura is Simon Amstell (Amstel, because of the character limit actually), Blasetoise is Louis C.K., Talonflame is Bo Burnham, and Chesnaught is Carlin.  I like the exp system better than Black and White's.  Though Black and White's leveling system basically evens out all Pokemon's levels allowing storage Pokemon to be in the rotation without having the hastle to level them up for a long time since they caught up in levels pretty easily because of the system, X and Y's feels like the same leveling up formula as the past games, however, the newExp. Share distributes exp to the entire party, allowing diverse rotations between storage and in the party.  I always switch my other two Pokemon to Pokemon that can evolve by leveling up so I don't waste time and exp points.

When words can't describe how I feel towards someone... I think I'll just say this "I love youAKJF:SDKJF:"

I have been writing.  It is just that... they are all Drafts.  I don't Publish them because they look too short, or the writing in general just sucks and I am embarrassed.

I wonder if anyone else had a crush on a color.  I had a crush on magenta when I was little.

Dreamt last night of losing a tooth that I have already lost.

Two years ago we talked about dream interpretations.  She lost a tooth in one of her dreams and after a bit of research, she said that it meant it was time to let go.  She was having problems with a friend at the time.Maybe this dream means the same for me.  Time to move on... I guess?

Idk, it's really whatever now.  I do not want to move on because that would mean that I would have to think about other things.  I feel comfortable thinking about her all the time.  I lost interest in almost everything already.  Everything just sems so dull and useless.  Video games are not fun anymore, watching movies do not interest me either.

But I did breeze through a Haruki Murakami memoir.  I love his writing, I feel that no matter what I am feeling at the moment, each sentence, word, or page I read can be interpreted in a way that fits to what I am feeling, no matter what I am feeling.

Since when did "Design" at the top become Dashboard?

EDIT: They changed it back to Design...

EDIT AGAIN: I SEE, it's Design when I'm on my page, and if I'm on someone else's, it's Dashboard.

I feel that I will never write unless I actually write it.  Everywhere I go I feel like I have to blog about it.  Feel. But I end up not blogging about it.  And so days pass, and the memory and feelings I've had dissipate, only keeping that essential feeling you get, when you look back at it.  For example, let's say i ate pizza today, and for some reason, that memory, that specific memory at 2p.m., July 25th, is exactly "I ate pizza."  That's what I will remember it by along with a split of a split second of a scenery to go along with that quote.  Maybe a little bit of the setting, like it was a sunny hot day, and I was eating pizza.  But what I will not remember, is that I took a bite,  sipped through my straw to get a taste of Fanta Orange, and took another bite, with the next bite tasting more like Orange Soda.  I will not remember it like that.  I'll just remember a flash of "I ate pizza" with the scenery formed in my mind of a sunny hot day.

But that is not what I am going to write about today.  I have been putting it off for a month, but what I really want to write about is a review of my school year.  It was my last foreseen full school year (because I am unsure  if I will pursue school further as of now), since I only have a quarter left.

Mostly, it was about feeling like a member of society.  I had friends.  I had actual people to talk to the whole year, and I looked forward to it everyday.  My year went by so fast this way.  It's like life is fast when you are enjoying your time.

Regarding material that I have learned in school, I feel that nothing taught to me stuck with me.  Quotes from Professors stuck a bit (you can't cover the truth!, life isn't so bad afterall, blah blah etc.), but I feel that real knowledge, knowledge that I integrate with my personality in everyday social performances with friends stem from novels I've read, and books. And Tumblr posts.

Even though I look back on it, I feel that I was never really there when it happened.  I feel that I never experienced the friends that I experienced.  It's vague, it created a few memories, happy memories and I'll remember my happy moments (note to self: pina colada, Accounting, White Girl).  I'll admit, I'm addicted to the internet.  So when I was out there in the real world, it felt unreal.  Like a dream that I vaguely remember but remember enough to picture it in my head.  I feel that my real world and my real problems are online.  Because the girl I am in love with is online. And she hates me.  For two years. 

I met one of my online friends in real life and it felt like the most realist things in the world. It was also the first time I was so decisive with something I want.  Usually it's like... "it's okay, you don't have to" but this time, I was like "let's go to AX.. let's go, let's go... let's go. I want to go"  It meant so much to me so standing in line in the heat for four hours, undergoing the rigorous process of using the phone (dialing a number and just calling is hard for me to do), just to meet my friend felt so real and I felt the best I had ever felt in a while.  It meant so much to me, and I knew it would since I stayed up all night the night before thinking about it. Thoughts that I couldn't stop but kept flowing, useless thoughts that just kept repeating.

Back then, before she hated me we were a trio.  The one I love, and my friend, and I met up with my friend who met up with the one I love a few minutes before I met my friend.  But I feel at peace now, because I have witness the direct link.  I talked to my friend in person, who talked to my "ex-friend who hates me now" in person. We are all connected, and that lifts me up a bit.  I don't care if anything else happens, and I shouldn't.  I should feel satisfied with just that, and I am still friends with my friend.  Even though I am not friends with my ex-friend who hates me now, I am still connected to her this way.

On another note, I think one of my biggest problems is having a big ego, but being really stupid at the same time.  It is also my birthday next week. I am going to write every day from now on. And I will keep my word.  Just like how Genghis Khan does it.

I am in Southern California for three more days.

Highlight of the trip... or highlight of the year actually, is the meeting of my online friend.  First online friend I ever met in person! She's adorable!

 Unfortunately I met her when I had a black tooth, was awake for 41 hours (made me look like a zombie), and burnt by the sun from waiting in line from the sun for four hours (messed up my skin and hair).

Treat everyone like they are going to die tomorrow.

Yeay I got another "are you under 20?" comment (by someone younger than me).

I hate people too easily

I can't focus on life anymore.

Certainly I was okay before I met her.  I handled things well, hence, why I am still alive today.  If I was not okay, I would be dead. Or did I get that wrong?

Being not okay should not mean that you are dead.

Anways.

But what did I actually do before I met her?

Oh, that's right.  I was waiting for someone like her to come into my life.

One of the most lonliness feelings:

Realizing that I am not home.

Ew it's May

It has been almost two years.  I am still attached.  But whatever.  It has always been like this.

Always been like this, meaning before the almost two years, and after the almost two years.

It was so much better almost two years ago.

Been addicted to Russian Techno lately...

THIS SONG IS SO FUNNY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sF8KQrSP_Q&

Acceptance and Evolution

Accept everyone because all personalities, no matter "how bad" they are, they have played a part in our evolution today.  To evolve into these species on the top of the food chain is amazing.  Though I do not think about it enough because I feel that I physically did not participate in being below the top of the food chain.

I was born into it.

Human life could also be on the verge of extinction because of these personalities though.  Most likely we are.  But it's okay.  Relative to survivability because...I am alive right now.

I should keep in mind that it is entirely impossible to desensitize myself from feeling shameful. (Or maybe I have not trained myself enough? NO, STOP, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE)

I noticed I'm very social when I treat everyone like a kid.

What we want is what we can't get because of what we do... ?!?!

Be nice ONLY for self defense purposes.

Breaking the Habit:  Must never look guilty no matter how guilty I am.  Always show a strong face.  But talk with honesty.

Things I should do:  Intentionally make people worry about the small things in life.

Being isolated and because of being isolated, being able to gain a different perspectives on things makes me so ready for society.  I am more comfortable with my identity because of this, and now I am ready to be addicted to life.

Watched FROZEN.  My favorite movie right now *_*.
I love OLAF.

Not going to watch or read anything else for a few days, I don't want the after effects of watching FROZEN to be contaminated (not saying everything other than FROZEN are pathogens, I just feel so good right now after watching FROZEN and I do not want to risk watching something that will burst my bubble... or melt my ice).

Sure I'm used to loneliness and being left out... I should have built resistance to it.  But it still hurts... more on this story later, it's SO STUPID Lol.

So I am a bit happy right now.  But being happy means that the next wave of sadness will hurt me hard.  Defense mode.

Damn, I can still feel the burn on my left cheek from the flourescent light, attempting to take a perfect selfie two days ago :(

Spent like 40 minutes and could not even get a single good picture or pose.  I gave up when my eyes started hurting.

Welp, have to go back to society sooner or later even though I am not fully healed.  (Maybe society will heal me. )

After each chapter, an Encyclopedia of Human Nature from the far future intervenes, and alternates after each chapter.  Each encyclopedia describes the interaction between the human and the it.

I think I live for the moment of always wanting to go home, and then finally arriving home. 

The Australians left yesterday.  They did not have an Australian accent though.  I guess only certain parts of Australia have accents.  Or maybe I just did not talk to them much to notice.

You know how in the bus it is common courtesy to let the person sitting in front of you to go first to exit the bus before yourself?

Well, this one girl did not let me leave first. She was behind me, but I felt her presence standing up while the bus was still in motion and ran to the door to exit first when the bus came to a halt.  I guess she was late to class.

But I started laughing when I exited the bus.  I must have looked really dumb, but in my head that "you didn't have to cut me off" song started playing.

Knowing that I have friends bring an enormous amount of confidence in me.  I feel like I can act myself around other people even when my friends are not near me.

But when the friendship is broken, or when the feelings are fading, my confidence shatters...

I feel so naturally flirty when I am out there, and I can only act this way when I know I have a friend out there waiting to talk to me everyday.  It is so easy to communicate with other people knowing you have a stable friendship.  But it is broken.  It has been broken for a year.

When I'm not working on a friendship, or when I just do not have a solid friendship thing, I get anxious around everyone... this is why I have to maintain and do everything I can to save or keep a friendship.  Not for the friendship itself but for my own confidence.  This is selfish, but it really is the truth.  Or maybe it is just how I feel.

I have been also thinking about the truth and feelings.  When things end up the way I do not want it to or when I feel that I should be feeling something else rather than what I want I am feeling, is that when I am supposed to lie?

This morning, this lady in front of me in the bus kept looking at her mirror and doing make-up... I wanted to just pop my head over and mirror bomb her and say heyyy but I think the mirror was too small anyways.

What do you say when a person sniffs the same time as you?  You know, the morning sniffs like you have a cold.  The natural stuffy nose in the morning.  Well, someone sniffed the same time as me this morning.

I wanted to say, HEY! We sniffed at the same time!

What if she saw that as flirting.   Maybe her experience has taught her, not everyone that talks to you is flirting.  I just wanted to say that we sniffed at the same time.  It was amazing.  That does not happen often, and it should be pointed out.  Just like today is 1/7/14 (1/7 is semi-special to me, because 17 is her favorite number).  Or like when it is Pi day, 3/14.

But what if she did not hear me sniff? I did catch a glimpse of her posture and hair.  She is about 60 years old or more.  The liklihood of her having hearing problems are higher.  But compared to mine, it should be about the same.  Wearing headphones half the day for almost six years should have taken a toll on my hearing.

Alas, I did not say anything, nor did she say anything.

Anyways, THE AUSTRALIANS ARE ON THEIR WAY.  I probably will not meet them though, I have school and stuff.

Words are good.  They give thoughts form.  Thoughts are too complicated.  Words help out a little.  I guess words are okay afterall.  But there has to be a better alternative... if the world reshaped again there has to be a better form of thought expression

THE AUSTRALIANS ARE COMING

This is also my New Years post.  Cheers! ... *gulps down empty cup*