plans. sort of.

I want to join the Navy.

I can't see myself living just for money.  What else can I buy?  All I need is myself, and some people.  I always hated money when I was little.  I don't spend it because I want to see how it's like to live without spending though then again my parents buy me stuff.  I don't ask for stuff though.  I just need enough money to get what I really really want, which is not much.  So yeah, not joining the "fuck bitches, get money bandwagon."

I want to be those who live in the moment.  I don't want to get angry all the time, I don't want to get sad all the time... other people are screwing up my mind.  It's like she wants me to get mad.  Hell no, I do not want to get mad.  I want to be a good writer... I want to have great ideas... I want to be independent.  I want to live as a good person.  Then there's my nature that conflicts with it which sucks because I don't mean to be me.  My nature is also telling me to rush.  I want to take life slow.  I want to be funny.  I don't want to cause trouble.  Dammit!

For now, I should study my Chemistry and Microbiology.

hating life part X

I wish you have never talked to me.  I wish you had never thought that I was important.  I wish you never thought of me as a friend.

Because now, you hate me, and it fucking hurts.

Having the best feeling in the world because of you.  And now that we're not like we used to be, but the complete opposite, fucking hurts. It hurts so much. I hate it. I miss you.  I miss looking forward to your happiness.  I miss looking forward to something in life.

I noticed two out of most of the time she got mad at me, is because I was covering for my brother.  I don't want them to think badly of him, so I lie for him to cover it... dammit.  I'm sorry friends, but family comes first in my life (though if you were my gf you would come first).

I ask myself, do I really love her for who she is?  No one is perfect.  But for me, she is perfect.  Am I blind?  Am I assuming what she would be like?  Of course.  I really think she has a genuine sensitive heart.  She's kind, though she says things that might hurt people... but I really think she's kind and she's really hurting inside.  She needs a lot of love, and maybe she is getting it, but I'm not seeing it.  Oh well, I really hope she's happy.  I had a weird dream that her BF started to play Maple with us.  I forgot what my reaction was... I think I woke up crying lol.  Maybe I really am selfish, and that I just want her to be with me.  Maybe I don't really care about her happiness... nah, I care about her happiness.  I really wish to see her and her bf in action though.. ER NOT THAT KIND OF ACTION, I mean like, I want to see how he treats her.

50/50 chance my grandpa will survive.  All my relatives are coming to our house.  My only grandparent left. This world sucks.  I hate God, but I like how some people interpret it.

Hm I like myself better after writing.

Currently listening to:  Ellegarden- Lonesome

xanga.

Going to blog full time in Xanga.  This place is so lonely... I hear my own echoes and I don't like it. http://jieison.xanga.com/

Edit: She spoke to me directly for the first time since early December.  It made me so happy. She seemed happy too, so I'm more than so happy.  I'm satisfied right now.  I'm not sure if she really is though but it just seems all good. It feels all good. I only care about myself, and I feel all good about it. I can finally leave in peace.  It's time to walk away~  Thank you for being in my life.  I'm so glad I met someone like you. I hope I won't cause any problems in the future.  I'll do my best to live life without love.

I'm being inconsiderate and selfish.

I still lie. This is torture. I can't function.


We can't be friends if I'm in love with you.

The only reason why I'm your friend is because I love you.

Such selfish reasons.  I don't deserve her.  This is how it's supposed to be, and this is the ending I'd be satisfied with.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Goodbye.  I hope your life will be filled with love and joy, and your bright future will reach down to you.  I know you'll do well  <3

*deep breath* I'm on my own now.  I'll do my best. I will not cause any harm to anyone else.  It's time to focus myself on the people who love me, and learning to love them back.

Nevermind =_=

confused as fuck.

I found her blog unintentionally.  She was gone, and I missed her so I googled her name lol. And now I’m confused.  What the hell does she want me to do?  She blogs about how inconsiderate and annoying I am.  She talks about how she has to deal with me, and she calls me an idiot.  Wow, what an insolent douchebag.  She should look at herself before calling me an idiot.  She’s the type that sites in a corner, talking about how sad her life is, and she’s doing nothing about it.  What the fuck.  Then she tells my friends how much of an asshole and inconsiderate idiot I am.  Double what the fuck.  Seriously, she should get her facts straight.  I responded with that sad face because I miss her blogging, but in reality I was so fucking happy that day that she wanted me to talk to her. But what the hell, does she want to be my friend or what.  We’re still in contact with each other, she doesn’t talk to me, yet I talk to her, and she gets annoyed.  I love her, so I’m not going to give up.  But still, what the fuck, girls like this… wow.

How the hell am I being a stalker if I don’t even talk to her much.  I don’t even see her much.  I don’t even talk to her much.  But she still hates me.  She thinks I’m a little kid.  Ironically, she’s letting this little kid get to her.

I don’t know if those are her true feelings, because her blogs are not as detailed.  Her writing style is like “my day, blah blah what I did, what I like.”  It’s not that in depth of feeling, motives, thoughts, and motivation.  Maybe that’s why reading her blog feels awkward.  It’s different than the good writers I read on Xanga.

Bleh, I wonder what I do to make her so angry at me.  It’s fucking up my mind, what the hell does she want?  I give her things, she’s not even thankful for anything.  What has she done for me?  Unintentional helpings.  So she doesn’t really want to help me. It’s just what the fuck.  But I’ll let it flow.  We’ll talk if something comes up with me, that might be interesting to talk about.  But right now, I think I should stay away from outlandish ass people like her.  Her friend is nice though, I’m happy for that, and I think she’s noticing how weird she is acting.  Unreasonably angry… why the hell do I matter anyway if she doesn’t want to deal with me.  I guess it’s because I keep talking to her.  But I don’t really even talk to her.  Then she gets mad at me for NOT talking to her.

Though I'm sorta glad that she's thinking about me lol

true love doesn't exist.

It just doesn't.  I've been talking about true love, and I haven't even been in a relationship, so what the hell do I know?  I was just a blinded foo, hoping to get that push, hoping to think that I'd have a satisfying, adventurous future with her.

I have to keep telling myself this, or I'll think otherwise:  She doesn't like me that way, and she never will. I want to engrave that into my mind and heart. I keep holding on to hope, but sometimes, it just hurts and makes me think way too much.  I like going what I'm going through though.  She's looking for a friendship who can support her emotionally.  She has put up with my bullshit so many times, even though it wasn't bullshit.  I don't know what she doesn't believe, or what she believes, but I fucked up our relationship.  It's all my fault, and I can't repair the mess I've made.  I guess I can just keep talking, I won't move on and leave this friendship because I like her and that I don't want our story to be told as one of those "we don't talk anymore."  I invested so much in this friendship, and she did too, and maybe that's why we're holding on.  I'll give it my all though if that's what she wants.  I'll give her so much attention.  It won't make up for all the fuckups I nailed through this fence, but perhaps it'll help her in remembering me as just a good guy who came into her life.  And then I'll confess again, and hopefully I'll get a kind "I like you as a friend" and not "I only see you as a friend."  I want her to at least say I'm a good person or a good guy.  Or even better, a silly guy. That's what I want to be remembered by.  Because the day will come, when we will drift apart, and be away from each other for good. Until then, I'll give this 99.9% of my energy and thought... actually, I should half that, she'll get mad if I don't put at least 50.99% into studying.

Anyways, what am I talking about... this love.  Even if we do get into a relationship, I wonder if I'll be thinking about how true this love is.  I hope I'm not desperate.  What she says is what she says.  I may love her right now, but I'll do my best to move on without severing this relationship.  This friendship. I want her in my life. I miss her talking to me.  She has a boyfriend.  So what the hell am I here for.  It's because she invested so much time in me, so she doesn't want to let go. But then again, she says that she likes talking to me, and she wants me to be a better person.  Yup, no feelings for me there.  And then there's her best friend saying that things won't end well for us.  I won't let it end like that.

And that's that.  I won't talk about my problems.  My problems would be the bullshit, because my problems are with her.  Hell no, I will not bring a burden to her.  It's all me, and I have to find what I want in my future alone. I got what I needed already from her.  Stop assuming things... and talk.  Talk about the problems. Though assuming and talking is so hard for me, it's what I must do because I know that's my problem. 

I really need that spark

I don't have that fire in my eyes.  I don't have that spark to get me going, to do the best I can in school.  Why do I have so much motivation in trying to deal with her?  Why can't I have the same relationship I have with her as with school?

Maybe if I keep saying that I don't have this spark, I'll never find this spark.  Because I always think I can do better, but I never do better, I'm always doing worse.  I have to look at the big picture, and through the eyes of Jupiter: I suck.

Or maybe it really is the committed heart.  The committed heart knows what it wants.  I genuinely want to be with her for the rest of my life.  And if I can't, I don't know what to live for.  Being with her surpasses everything else I have experienced.  I wonder why that is, it's only her that's making me feel this way.  Even if I do good in school, even if I get the best grades, if I can't be with her, I'll feel the same way.  Failing in school is the same way as getting a 4.0 GPA to me if I can't be with her.

Anyways, with her, I'm going to take it slow.  But I'll admit, talking about myself makes me feel really egotistical and weak.  But I guess it has to be done if I want her to learn more about me.

-Being away from her hurts more than knowing that she'll never love me.

-I need to think of her and me in the future, that we will be together.  That will motivate me.  But it won't, because we'll never be together.

-Hurts that I can't say I love you.

reason.

For my own motivation in life.  For the sake of loving someone.  To hurt myself. To feel true pain.  To know what I like.  To know what I'm capable of.

Love is love.  Who the fuck gives a damn about the reason for falling in love? I'm going down with this ship, and it makes me happy.

I like feeling emotional. I like thinking about what I do. I feel depressed, but I think it's a good feeling in that it's telling me what I don't want to do in life.

Only I should care about what's good for me. And I don't care about what's good for me.  I just love to love in this self destructing manner.  She makes me look forward to something, she gives me something to work on.  She makes me reflect upon myself.  She's perfect.

Online friends.  We see the true sides of these people, and I think that surpasses a glance and meeting of a real life person.  This is deeper than reality.  We're truly learning about each other, minus the external humor.  We're missing expressions, accents, and the environment.  But that just makes us more connected as people, our souls are connected this way.

problems.

Temporomandibular joint disorder. Herpes.

And not only that.  I have weird red spots around my body.  I think I have a symptom of breast cancer because my right nipple gets itchy and before it secreted this weird yellow fluid that dries up quickly.

My right foot has this weird spot thing on it that gets  itchy at random times.

I have two broken black toenails.

I have mosquito bites on my ass and around my foot, where mycobaterium can easy invade, especially when I flood the tub while taking a shower.

Then there's the whole big earthquake striking down in the next 20 years with a 30% chance.

And me, who's helpless in romance. The girl I truly love, who I want to be with forever- has a boyfriend, and gets the wrong idea of me.

No motivation to study or do anything.

Times like these, sleep is my favorite thing to do.

Nothing is exciting.

why the hell.

Why did I lock my path when I was in high school?

I kept telling myself, that I shouldn't work hard, I'll be a nurse anyway.  I shouldn't participate in this atrocity that leaves me three hours of sleep a day.  That high school is totally useless. That these courses are useless.

It isn't.  I could have learned so much.  It was free education.  Calculus, History, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, all for free.  Knowledge is power. Free power, and I threw it all away.  I said so much things that I didn't have time to take action.  And now I'm trying to make up for it, and it's not working.  Time is precious, and it's moving on, and I'm being left behind.

I need to learn more.  I need to listen.  I can't do stuff on my own, I just can't focus at home.  Why couldn't there be a Love course?  I want to know more. Music, art.  Writing.  Creative writing.  That's the power I'm craving for.  I want more of it, I'm horny for it.  I want to write well, I want to play well, I want to be a smooth talker, witty drawer, and le expressionaire (failed French for being a good expressing self-person).  What did I waste my time on?  Seeing how others are passing me. Seeing others progressing.  Watching.  People watching.

But then again, I did a lot in high school that led me to think like this. And without that, I probably wouldn't be thinking about this.  Actually, I shouldn't be thinking like this, but sometimes I like thinking like this. And maybe I'm not out of time.  Maybe there is still time for me to dwell on things that I find fascinating.  It's not for the grade, it's for myself.  What I want, I want to be myself.  I'm happy for who I am, I'm happy for who I love, and I'm happy that I'm in love, but I'm missing things that could have made this love better. Maybe that's why I'm having these thoughts.

Why did I force myself into thinking that I'll be a nurse?

Why couldn't I be open-minded and think of DREAMS instead of a secure career path?  Why did I have to think so realistically only to make me feel so miserable? Or maybe I would be miserable either way?

The events of the past still mystify me today, and I know that losers think like this.  And it's because I made a loser decision.  This is my chance.  I have to break this habit of procrastinating.

Anyways, on another note, I'm in love with Dido's White Flag.  I think I really am in love.  I love someone so much, but I haven't even met her in person.  She is what she is online though, I can't help but get that feeling.  I'll take her away from her boyfriend, I bet I know her more, and that I love her more, and that she'll be happier with me.  I know I can make her happy in person.

I sent her Safety Charms.  I want to say thank you to her.  Should I write her another email?  I keep writing her emails about trying to rekindle friendships and whatnot, but this time, how about a thank you?  Not a goodbye, but thank you for being my friend?  I want another event to happen though.  Distance makes the heart grow fond.  We really are being distant, and my heart is hurting because it has to stretch that far, to where she is.  It won't hurt anymore if she was by my side.

closer we get the more distant we get.

I hung out with her today in Maple.  It was strange, we didn't talk much, I even felt that she was mad at me.  Actually, we didn't talk at all, we were just doing our own thing, but we were together.  And I think because we weren't talking when we were together, we are becoming more distant.  I don't want this to happen, so I have to come up with something quick.  I guess I have to talk, because apparently she won't talk to me.  She's not starting anything, I have to learn quirky follow-ups in our conversations to keep things interesting.  I hope we'll hang out again soon.

I think I'm still in love with her.  I'm getting confused.  There's this other girl in my Chem class who's really attractive, I really wish I was in her group.  She's so... weird, that it's cute and hot.  And attractive.  I don't know much about her though, and she looks like she's the type that's constantly doing something, and I'm doing nothing makes me feel too inferior for someone like her.  I don't know, maybe I should start talking to her.

My Chemistry professor said I'm so quiet that it's like I'm not there.  I blame my lab partner for leaving me, she dropped the class I assume because she missed three labs already.  She keeps getting sick.  So now I'm stuck with people I cannot relate to.  An Indian and Mexican, surrounded by ghettofied Filipinos.  Mr. Ledbetter told my colleagues who sit around me to say hi to me once in a while, and to ask how I was doing.  I felt happy but weird at the same time.  I liked the attention, but I did talk to them sometimes... is it my voice?  Yes, it's probably my voice, they can't hear me because I talk too quiet.  I'm so voice self-conscious. But I'm really okay for not "being there."  It's kind of what I like to do. I really don't want to be living. I hate pain.

Oh well, I'm drifting apart from her, and I'm not liking any second of it.  What do I have to do to rekindle this spark... besides using the complementary flint striker of this Bunsen burner?!

I'm a bad person

I don't know what to do.  Love her?  Not talk to her?  Distance myself?  But I always find myself coming back, I can't escape from her.

She has a boyfriend.  I know they won't last... or I'll never know, I don't talk to her about it.  She's not attracted to me.  She's okay with me loving her.  I've been the source of most of her problems, and I've been trying to prevent being an interference in her life.  I'm doing my best to repent.   She has her thank yous, and her times when she looks like she's trying to be my friend.  But at the same time, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.  I'm not happy.  I don't like this feeling, I love her, I don't want to love her, I love her... I keep thinking about whether I should keep loving her or just give up.

Is it because of an investment?  I put my soul into this friendship, or love thing, whatever you want to call it.  I gave her so much, I thought about it so much.  Do I want to love her because I don't want to lose all the work I put in this?  All those hours spent at the library thinking about my future, about how I'm going to get her back, to be in reach. All those nights smiling, thinking that I'll be so happy with her in the end... we've been through so much already, and yet we're still friends.

I'll never say goodbye to her.  I'll always be here, but I don't know if I'm going to keep loving her.

There are so many other women out there that can probably love me, and that I can probably love too.  Does she deserve my love?  What's going to happen once we do get together?  It's long distance... it'll be an adventure.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Is that going to happen?  Will I live in SoCal to be near her and start a new life there?  What if she holds me back... what if I preferred being single than instead of a relationship?  I'm not ready for a relationship, but I really want her to like me again.  I love her, she's someone I can spend my life with... but will there be someone better? If it's true love, there isn't anyone better, I love her so much that I know there's no one better, but what if someone else comes because me and her are so far apart?  What if she just doesn't like me, and never will like me? What if I confess again, and she'll kill me that time? I don't want it to be hard on her, but unfortunately I am... what should I do?  Make it hard on her, and then be me... and making it hard on her even more.  Should I be practical about it?  Flipping a coin won't help.  I keep hoping it ends on heads, heads is the option that I'll keep loving her because I love her, and tails is distancing myself away.

I'll keep this in mind, that no love is useless.  I'll grow from this either way.  I'll hurt, I'll endure the pain.  If love comes again, if someone loves me back, I'll take her love into consideration and leave this one.  But what if it's a false signal again?  That another girl will be leading me on... and I give up completely on this, and I'm left with nothing?  God, I hate love.  Maybe I just shouldn't love.

I look at her name on MSN... she used to message me so much.  She doesn't do it anymore.  I'll be saying things i shouldn't say to someone in a relationship. Is she waiting for me to talk to her?  Does she like me?  She doesn't, she's not saying anything, and I don't see any signs.  Is she hiding the signs?  Fuck, I'm fucked.

Maybe I'm just hungry for pain. I liked how she got mad at me for every little thing.  I like how I pushed myself to be a person.

Maybe I'm using her for motivation.  If I didn't love her, I'd be lost and depressed.  I would be doing worse than I am doing right now.

I guess love is the greatest motivation for change.

Anyways, reason for this entry is... this girl who I had a slight crush on two years ago contacted me out of the blue.  I don't know anything about her, but I know what she does and I get a feel to what sort of person she is, just like this one sort of.  I haven't felt sadness, madness, or anything with her, but I think I have potential to. She has the potential.  She's younger than me, so that's already a turnoff for me, but she really looks like someone I can be with.  Someone that other people will like to look at me with.  I'm attracted to her physically. And now the more I'm writing about it, the more I won't love her haha.

I'll look into The Time Traveler's Wife. I want to read a book like that.

EDIT: WHERE IS SHE.  I'M MISSING HER ALREADY. (Not the little girl)