staying this way isn't fun anymore.

Staying this way isn't fun anymore.  It used to be, but now I'm feeling that rush.  The rush that society is unconsciously pushing me to be.  Well, maybe it is not that unconscious, because my parents are getting old, and they're telling me what I should do before they die.

I guess I'm learning a lot about myself without actually experiencing people and other stuff.  I learned that Love isn't what I thought it was.  Love isn't a natural feeling.  It has to be forced, and it has to react well with nature.  Well, I could still be wrong, this is based on that experience.  Love, to me, is a strange feeling because it's mixed with nature and commitment. Or maybe there is a love where commitment is part of the nature?  But that brings something else up... why is the divorce rate in this country 50%?  Why can't everyone love?  Oh well, whatever.  I'll stick to my thinking that love isn't a feeling.

And regarding my other post about how love has the power to change, I guess it doesn't, because thinking of that time, I didn't change.  I just thought of what I thought the change should be, without realizing the change I should change into.  But it did help me change into the person I wanted to change into, because in love, you want to be honest... or at least, I want to be honest, therefore I did things to make me feel real.  And so I did my best to stay true to myself.  But of course, that failed.

I'm hungry for more isolation.  But my family time is drawing nigh as well.  They are getting older, and soon they won't be with me anymore.  I'll be isolated either way. Should I just wait til then?  Being 40 years old frightens me, even though I'm only 20.  Being free and 40 years old... I want to enjoy my youth, and I can't help but feel that I'm missing something.  Did I have that missing piece back then when I was an elementary kid?

I'll never know, because each moment that I look back to, I was happy.  I looked back at my Sophomore year in high school... my year when I was most depressed, resulting to a few visits to a Psychologist, and I feel like I want to go back to those times, because I feel that those times were better than the time I'm living in right now. And I bet a few years from now, I'll be looking at this time, and I would feel like going back to this time from that future time.  Quite the paradox.  Maybe if I were to go back, I'd long for the future.

It could be the feeling.  If I were to go back to my Sophomore year, I'm sure I wouldn't want to feel all that depressed pain and such, maybe I long for it, because I actually survived it.  Maybe that's it. Survival.  I want to go back because I know I survived.

Whatever.  Moving on, lol. ITG TIME.