They are with no doubt, the best friends I've ever encountered.
I don't know how to describe this feeling. I feel so comfortable talking to them, and I feel so happy being around them. However, there are major problems. MAJOR MAJOR problems. That involve my sensitivity.
I'm not who they think they think I am. I messed it up already, I've told them three lies which can break our relationship forever.
First lie, was an indirect lie. Two other lies are tied with the first one.
Second lie is another indirect lie, which occurred yesterday. My high school friend.
Third lie was today. More lies, the more I'm insecure about myself. I'm afraid to lie because it isn't sufficient evidence, and I like living with the right evidence.
I was sitting on the sideline with them, but they knew it wasn't me, so I felt so empty being without them. It's the end, it will come soon, and it's my fault. I need help, fast.
It's reaching the peak. Soon they'll stop coming, and I'll forget the days we've had. This year, I've spent months with them. But from the beginning it was false, though I felt it was real.
What to do: #1. WAIT for my other friend. # 2. Be myself. #3. Exercise. #4. Or just leave without a word.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
holy shidaahh
School is kicking my ass. MapleStory is kicking my ass. My own body is kicking my ass.
I haven't been exercising as much as I want to. The rain prevents me from going outside to shoot hoops, family downstairs, arriving home late, prevents me from DDR. And of course, my addiction to MapleStory. PvP isn't as funny as it used to be, because FP Arch Mages are losing their OPness to Evans, Mercedes, Demonslayers, and Cannoneers.
Anyways, I'm blogging at school once again. Life is dull, except I think I've found a few friends. I'm taking beginning Hip Hop. I wish it lasted longer, and I can't get some steps right, but I really love it. I wish I've taken it sooner.
I'm getting old, but I don't feel like aging, not like it really matters, right? I'm trying to live in the truth. I hope people won't google telomeres or whatever and end up on my page, but that study is scaring me. Observing length of the chromosome caps at birth and determining how long we live...I get the feeling the more we study this, and before global warming fucks us all, people will find the secret to immortality, and perhaps not even share it. I just get this bad premonition that it may happen in my lifetime. We've been preparing so much for death, and if people were to live forever, I believe that living would be more valuable than ever, and would drive killers to kill more. I don't believe in the human race. This is stupid. I hope people just look into healing and killing viruses or whatever. Don't interfere with nature, please.
It's also unfair to those before us I guess? I don't know about this... or maybe I just feel like this would be a good movie, and I feel like that scientist who blogs about the future and will be remembered somehow but whatever, yeah I'm weird like that and I'm wasting a lot of time. I have to do my homework.
But no, I don't feel like it because I feel like blogging more. I learned about the Big Bounce Theory in Geology. Well, not really learned all the technical stuff, but I know what happens. If it does though, I believe everything that was, would repeat itself. So in Kajillion years, everything I did now will be repeated but not remembered. This brings me a comfort to death, and the loss of friends and others. We will be reunited again after the next big bang! I'll be experiencing the same shit again, yeah!
I haven't been exercising as much as I want to. The rain prevents me from going outside to shoot hoops, family downstairs, arriving home late, prevents me from DDR. And of course, my addiction to MapleStory. PvP isn't as funny as it used to be, because FP Arch Mages are losing their OPness to Evans, Mercedes, Demonslayers, and Cannoneers.
Anyways, I'm blogging at school once again. Life is dull, except I think I've found a few friends. I'm taking beginning Hip Hop. I wish it lasted longer, and I can't get some steps right, but I really love it. I wish I've taken it sooner.
I'm getting old, but I don't feel like aging, not like it really matters, right? I'm trying to live in the truth. I hope people won't google telomeres or whatever and end up on my page, but that study is scaring me. Observing length of the chromosome caps at birth and determining how long we live...I get the feeling the more we study this, and before global warming fucks us all, people will find the secret to immortality, and perhaps not even share it. I just get this bad premonition that it may happen in my lifetime. We've been preparing so much for death, and if people were to live forever, I believe that living would be more valuable than ever, and would drive killers to kill more. I don't believe in the human race. This is stupid. I hope people just look into healing and killing viruses or whatever. Don't interfere with nature, please.
It's also unfair to those before us I guess? I don't know about this... or maybe I just feel like this would be a good movie, and I feel like that scientist who blogs about the future and will be remembered somehow but whatever, yeah I'm weird like that and I'm wasting a lot of time. I have to do my homework.
But no, I don't feel like it because I feel like blogging more. I learned about the Big Bounce Theory in Geology. Well, not really learned all the technical stuff, but I know what happens. If it does though, I believe everything that was, would repeat itself. So in Kajillion years, everything I did now will be repeated but not remembered. This brings me a comfort to death, and the loss of friends and others. We will be reunited again after the next big bang! I'll be experiencing the same shit again, yeah!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
at school.
This is the first time I've ever used the computer at school by myself in college. I never even touched a computer at my junior college. Actually, I have, but it was an in class thing. This is the first time I'm using it on my own.
Anyways I need to let out some steam. Some lady cut me off at the shuttle bus when I was going out, WTF that bitch, I hope she dies. Trips from the stairs, falls down, gets wet from the rain, and dies a wet death. The rain will fuse with her blood making the sea around her red. No I'm kidding, but at that moment I felt like that. Bitch.
Yesterday I was thinking of some things that are kept privately in my Molecular and Cell Biology notebook. My story about the Big bounce, and how I'm finding comfort in it. And starting to believe in fate. There are just things that are out of my control and I'm probably in control unconsciously. It's like like any of us are destined by the gods to do something, but I think we are destined to do whatever that's in our hearts, but then again, this destiny could be some corporate mind control that I am unaware of. That's all.
Actually, no, I'm getting sorta lost in my classes. I'm behind one problem in math, and far behind in Genetics. I should be reviewing instead of posting on this blog, but then again I initially came here to let off some steam. That bus bitch!
Fuck I was in the BART in a good mood too listening to all my new music on my mp3 player, but I started my day out bad kind of because I woke up late. I didn't get a chance to skim through today's chapter, but then again I believe we are behind schedule so I should be fine I think. We didn't even talk about what I've read the first day, which made me lose credibility on the syllabus. But then again, I should learn everything even though its not in the lecture, right? If I'm going to be a scientist or science fiction writer or whatever. But then again I'm not even writing much, and I'm supposed to be writing every day.
I'm enjoying my Hip hop class. I was so lost the second day because I was trying to get the steps down, but the next time, I decided to just move and move and not think as much which is making it more fun and I get more of a work out of it. So, I'm going to just move from now on instead of thinking of the steps a much.
I'm hoping this new enjoyment won't become another competition where I'd feel that I have to be better than everyone... sigh.
Anyways, that BUS BITCH. This is why I like being alone, and I'll probably be alone all my life. I'm SO sensitive, and its my genetics... it'll take so much work for me to not be so sensitive. I also need a foundation support of friends which I can't even get. Sigh so much shit on my mind, I better focus on my lecture coming up in 20 minutes before I get a headache.
The basketball courts aren't ready yet. This school sucks, seriously, without the RaW center.
Anyways I need to let out some steam. Some lady cut me off at the shuttle bus when I was going out, WTF that bitch, I hope she dies. Trips from the stairs, falls down, gets wet from the rain, and dies a wet death. The rain will fuse with her blood making the sea around her red. No I'm kidding, but at that moment I felt like that. Bitch.
Yesterday I was thinking of some things that are kept privately in my Molecular and Cell Biology notebook. My story about the Big bounce, and how I'm finding comfort in it. And starting to believe in fate. There are just things that are out of my control and I'm probably in control unconsciously. It's like like any of us are destined by the gods to do something, but I think we are destined to do whatever that's in our hearts, but then again, this destiny could be some corporate mind control that I am unaware of. That's all.
Actually, no, I'm getting sorta lost in my classes. I'm behind one problem in math, and far behind in Genetics. I should be reviewing instead of posting on this blog, but then again I initially came here to let off some steam. That bus bitch!
Fuck I was in the BART in a good mood too listening to all my new music on my mp3 player, but I started my day out bad kind of because I woke up late. I didn't get a chance to skim through today's chapter, but then again I believe we are behind schedule so I should be fine I think. We didn't even talk about what I've read the first day, which made me lose credibility on the syllabus. But then again, I should learn everything even though its not in the lecture, right? If I'm going to be a scientist or science fiction writer or whatever. But then again I'm not even writing much, and I'm supposed to be writing every day.
I'm enjoying my Hip hop class. I was so lost the second day because I was trying to get the steps down, but the next time, I decided to just move and move and not think as much which is making it more fun and I get more of a work out of it. So, I'm going to just move from now on instead of thinking of the steps a much.
I'm hoping this new enjoyment won't become another competition where I'd feel that I have to be better than everyone... sigh.
Anyways, that BUS BITCH. This is why I like being alone, and I'll probably be alone all my life. I'm SO sensitive, and its my genetics... it'll take so much work for me to not be so sensitive. I also need a foundation support of friends which I can't even get. Sigh so much shit on my mind, I better focus on my lecture coming up in 20 minutes before I get a headache.
The basketball courts aren't ready yet. This school sucks, seriously, without the RaW center.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
first quarter of University finished.
And I've got to say, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I COULD have gotten straight A's, but decisions throughout my time have led me to listen to my music. If I was more consistent with my work ethic, if only I took the time, I would have raised my GPA by a lot more.
The real battle starts now. I'll be taking science classes, classes that I feel that would benefit my consumerist nature self. Satisfy my needs for family support, and interest. It'll be a bump up for my pride as a truth seeker, and the title as "scientist" really captures my perception of my own self... so I'm excited, but at the same time, I have doubts that I'd follow what my mind says, but I'll see where this takes me.
I'm truly living as what I believe living should be: as just breathing, taking in days one at a time, searching for entertainment that will protect me from the despairs of society and death. Believing that we are all truly equal, and that the only thing that I know for sure, that doesn't help anything at all, is getting angry at others, or telling how others should live their lives. I shouldn't judge even though I am constantly judging as much as everyone else is. But if it's nature that chooses me to judge people, then I'll let that happen, but I'll stop it when I'm aware, or at least try to, because I don't want to be a hypocrite by getting mad.
Anyways, I've finished the Slam Dunk main series, which includes Ch 199+ on the manga, and excluding the last five episodes on Hulu. It was a very enjoyable and inspiring experience. Rukawa is just so cool, and Sakuragi's gang taught me what being a true friend is all about even though I'll never be a friend like that. Maybe I'll be satisfied with myself if I follow it? I still think that friendship is overdone, its overrated, but its needed. Overrated in that its not true for people to sacrifice themselves and that friendship lasts forever, but we do need friends to live in a day to day basis which really matters I guess.
This Spring break consisted of basketball and MapleStory. Too much MapleStory, and its really close from getting cut out of my life. It's what I'm pushing for actually. Even if it makes me happy, its not the kind of happiness I'm searching for.
Everything I say is so pointless and such a product of a human who has submerged himself in the multimedia and education with a little heart added to it, it feels so pathetic, but this is what I am I suppose... oh well, I got my April entry out of the way. BTW I didn't see the umbrella girl ever again, nor did I ever talk to that other girl with the nice body that likes video games and anime.
The real battle starts now. I'll be taking science classes, classes that I feel that would benefit my consumerist nature self. Satisfy my needs for family support, and interest. It'll be a bump up for my pride as a truth seeker, and the title as "scientist" really captures my perception of my own self... so I'm excited, but at the same time, I have doubts that I'd follow what my mind says, but I'll see where this takes me.
I'm truly living as what I believe living should be: as just breathing, taking in days one at a time, searching for entertainment that will protect me from the despairs of society and death. Believing that we are all truly equal, and that the only thing that I know for sure, that doesn't help anything at all, is getting angry at others, or telling how others should live their lives. I shouldn't judge even though I am constantly judging as much as everyone else is. But if it's nature that chooses me to judge people, then I'll let that happen, but I'll stop it when I'm aware, or at least try to, because I don't want to be a hypocrite by getting mad.
Anyways, I've finished the Slam Dunk main series, which includes Ch 199+ on the manga, and excluding the last five episodes on Hulu. It was a very enjoyable and inspiring experience. Rukawa is just so cool, and Sakuragi's gang taught me what being a true friend is all about even though I'll never be a friend like that. Maybe I'll be satisfied with myself if I follow it? I still think that friendship is overdone, its overrated, but its needed. Overrated in that its not true for people to sacrifice themselves and that friendship lasts forever, but we do need friends to live in a day to day basis which really matters I guess.
This Spring break consisted of basketball and MapleStory. Too much MapleStory, and its really close from getting cut out of my life. It's what I'm pushing for actually. Even if it makes me happy, its not the kind of happiness I'm searching for.
Everything I say is so pointless and such a product of a human who has submerged himself in the multimedia and education with a little heart added to it, it feels so pathetic, but this is what I am I suppose... oh well, I got my April entry out of the way. BTW I didn't see the umbrella girl ever again, nor did I ever talk to that other girl with the nice body that likes video games and anime.
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