I had two dreams of Obama this week, on different days.

The first dream was I attended one of his speech things.  The room looked like a smaller version of where the UN meetings are held.  Obama was making lots of jokes, but no one was laughing, except for himself, he would be laughing at his own jokes.  Afterwards there was a meet and greet thing, and I joked to this white person I was hanging out with that we should go greet Obama.  I was joking because I knew the lines would have been too long, but my white friend who I had no idea who he was, agreed, and forced me along with him to meet Obama.

Then I somehow lost my white friend and I met Obama all by myself.  Obama was rolling a red roller backpack and was ready to take the airplane.  Obama greeted me and laughed and asked for my phone number.  I gave him my brother's phone number for some reason.  And then the dream gets all blurry, I probably woke up at this point.

The second Obama dream happnened this morning.  I was in a post office...  I remember it vividly when I woke up this morning, but as soon as I used my Stamina and Energy for FFRK and FFBE, I completely forgot.. but for some reason I remember Obama shooting darts from his mouth.

So I'm a little late, but I got Pokemon Sun and Moon...

I got it yesterday actually.  I did not open the packaging...

I am still thinking of what to name my Pokemon.  I'll have all three starters in my team.  I'm thinking of naming them after:

• Xenosaga characters
• Suikoden characters
• Philosophers
• AKB48 members
• Names of bacteria
• One Piece/FMA characters

I guess this is what I, and the people get for always bashing the people in political power.

The only thing I can do at this point is hope that he proves everyone wrong.

But I'm a bad person.

So, I am genuinely hoping he does bad.  And you know what my pathetic reason is?  It's because I voted for Hillary, hoping that she would have been the better pick.  I am just hoping that I was right in my choice of voting. So terrible!

But that's the way my soul works...

Anyways, I've been... awed by manipulation.  I think I'm constantly trying to prevent myself from being "brainwashed."  I've learned that there are three major types of mind control, educational, suggestive, and persuasive.  The one that stands out to me, is the persuasive type.

The persuasive type of mind control is about a reward system, where people continue to do things if they are rewarded with something they woud like.  One example is being complimented.  If a person is complimented in doing something, he will continue to do that thing...

I can probably use this as a skill.  I used to be all about honesty, but honestly, people just hate each other (or maybe it's just me who hates everyone).  So, I'll get my acting skills on and compliment people!  And I won't look like I'm faking it.  It's a win win.  Because, people also intuitively want to be competent in the things they do... and what's the best measure of competence?  I think it's being recognized. I'M GROWING UP.

At least hearing Obama and Hillary's concession speaches were reassuring.

Anyways, I feel so glad that I live in the Bay Area.

I voted for Hillary...

And now I'm kinda glad that I'm not a teacher.

How do I justify name calling to students when the president of our country does it?

One of the things I learned from my Medieval Political Whatever class was that people will follow the leader, follow his ideals and such.  Which is why having a contemplating leader is best, so everyone can just think and not do much.  Not doing much, means less chaos.  And plus, it puts us back in our place as human beings, that we are not god and nothing special, as being a contemplative person confines the ego.

It shouldn't be suprising now because of our president-elect, if everyone shows ignorance. Showing that "it's just words."  Showing that... it's all about ME and not the human consciousness as one collective unit.

What if EVERYONE had the same philosophy except for me?    Would I change?

Things I noticed when revisiting Xenosaga...

• KOS-MOS should be able to fully empathize with people because she is able to recreate one's past.  (Shion and Jr.'s past was recreated when they dove into KOS-MOS via encephalon drive).
• Also, when Sakura is affected by the U.M.N network, could be an allusion to this world and cancer.  
• Shion's "live every day" thing during their confrontation to Wilhelm reminded me of Heidegger's philosophy, where life is about living in the moment.
• At the end, Jin finds peace but strangely started to desire a chaotic life once again.  This reminded me of Dostoevsky's Notes from the Underground, where we sometimes find it pleasant to smash things. 
• Most people see synthetic human beings in Xenosaga's universe as other human beings. When I first played the game, I thought Juli Mizrahi was uncomfortable with MOMO because MOMO was a Realian.  It turns out, she's just uncomfortable because MOMO looks like her first daughter.  
• The Upper Domain needs the Lower Domain, and the Lower Domain needs the Upperdomain,  just like Martin Buber's theology, "God needs us, and we need God, which is our reason for living."
• Wilhelm is like a Philosopher King, but with the end point.  Philosopher Kings vacilate forever.  Wilhelm thinks forever too, and comes to the end point, which is to reset the Eternal Recurrence.  

There should be more, but I don't remember everything that I think of.

Ah, I almost forgot...

Knights of Faith do not get depressed.

Depression is a deadly sin!!  (It was combined with Sloth later on for some reason).

But then again, I don't know how the Deadly Sins are associated with Christianity.

Nietzsche's Fear

IIRC I read something by a Nietzsche expert, who studied him for more than 40 years, said that Nietzsche feared people will eventually think morality is a means to be controlled.  Because of herd mentality, people may evolve to think and recognize that they are being controlled by the upper class, and morality is one of those means to control them... and this will be the death of morality.

But!  Since amygdalas are associated with altruism, and altruism should be the basis of morality, I think as long as we have big-ass amygdalas, the human race will be okay and nice to each other.  We have to genetically enlarge everyone's amygdala.

A recovering ex-Christian.
Zohar and the Frozen Flame.
It rained all night last night.  I fell asleep early and missed it.

I've been thinking how important discussions are.

I read Of Mice and Men back when I was 12, by myself, during SSR period in middle school.  I think, usually people read Of Mice and Men as a class, with study guides and tests on it.  But I read it alone, and by myself.

The words were not that difficult to read, and the story is linear.  The ending was a suprise for me though.  To sum up the story from how I remembered it goes like this; the main character and his autistic friend were buddies, and always together.  Eventually they start working and live in this new area.  The main guy befriends new people at this new place.  The autistic guy gets in trouble for killing this woman, who is important to that new place.  The main character shoots and kills his buddy, the autistic guy, because, in my mind, I thought both of them would be in trouble.

Back then, I thought, wow, betraying your friend like that?  So that's how life works...

So like... 10+ years later, I read the SparkNotes, and it says that the main character kills the autistic guy for a more peaceful death, because he would have been lynched anyway.  Wow, and all this time I thought Mice of Men is renown for it's ending, that it's okay to kill your buddy.  I never considered kiling anyone though, I just thought that that's what Of Mice of Men is about.

Do I really have to feed my ego like everyone else?  Why can't I just do nothing, why does the collective conscious award and congratulate those that accomplish meaningless things?

I wonder why people like explanations of things, and how teachers prefer explanations rather than aphorisms.  I think people think more of aphorisms rather than things that are explained.  If it's explained, people just go... "oh, okay. (THE END)"

I hate people's opinions so much... why does everyone have to think of everything!!!

And they just come out, spontaneously! Very sickening.  Recluse recluse recluse recluse.

Lately, I've been thinking that "good" people are only good because it satisfies their ego, and ultimately, fondles their will to power.  And this satisfaction, is the primary reason to be, or act, good.

But now, I think it's just something natural.  Some people do good things, and some people don't.  Some people just help those who are in need of help, and it's just like that.  Yep.  You can say all you want about them, but they just do what they do.

Altruism.  Amygdala.  Altruism.  Amygdala.  Altruism.  Large amygdala... large altruism...

The desire to help people is genetic.  Just like everything else.  Of course, I have no basis or research to back things up, it's just thoughts.

Now I'm wondering... is the size of the amygdala collectively in the human species getting smaller or bigger?

I think everyone's depressed.  Literally, everyone in the whole world.

And there are those who are just more depressed than others.

And all these people who are depressed, like everyone, because everyone is depressed, think that they are not supposd to be depressed.  They think that they're not supposed to be depressed. 

So what do these people do?  They blame their depression on external factors.  Like, how everything is by chance, blaming DNA, and... for those who don't know much about Biology, blame something else, blame something prominent in the media, blame something that they see everyday... government.

Yes, government.  These people, these depressed people want "change."  But it's impossible. It's impossible to clense sadness away. Depression is innate.  They think they can be happy if Trump becomes president.  But it's not like that.  But they are going to vote for him.

Ugh!!! These "Let's Make America Great Again" people piss me off Lol, oh god, trying not going on Twitter or Facebook because that's all you hear in whatever is trending... wish I could block Trending Topics.

Ahhhh this cute Indian-looking girl in my class... who's four years younger than me, and a left hander, guessed that I was 19.  I wanted to ask her out, but it's too weird for me, because I'm so behind in capitalism life, which would lead to me being insecure.  It's cute how she just randomly talks to people around her, and when she talks it's like she's always thinking.  A very contemplating speaker, and observant, who doesn't sound flirty.  And she braids her hair into a tail, and it hangs over her front shoulder.  Very stylish. I don't even know if she's Indian, her skin is darkish though, but she could be one of those dark Filipinas... Nah, I doubt it, she has to be Indian.

I keep staring at her in lab, because she sits on the same lab bench as me, but there's another person in between us, but I'm closer to the back, and she's closer to the front, so when the teacher is lecturing, I can see her, and I always look at her and her glasses, because her side profile makes her look kinda old, so I was thinking she was like a thirty year old Lol.

Anyways, I was stressing out on Final Fantasy Record Keeper, because the event for the Memory Crystal III ends in two days, and I didn't think I could make it.  I tried an all FFVII team with full relm synergy equipment and my team was obliterated.  But today!!!  I composed a cheese team with all healers and super soul breaks, and I cheesed to victory.

Minwu has learned: Will of the White Mage
Cloud has maxed out: Blade Beam
Penelo had maxed out: Intercession
And my trump card, Garnet: Dagger of Resolve and Divine Guardian, maxed.

Tyro didn't max Sentinel's Grimoire but I brought him in anyway for Full Break. I also brought along a Tyro with Sentinel's Grimoire as a Roaming Warrior.  Look at my twitter for my builds.  I also didn't max any of the abilities except for Curaga probably.  Cloud was regular Attacking most of the time since I ran out of ability uses.

KITAAAAAAAA!!!

Iriyama Anna, was following zero people on Instagram.  Until today.

She's following one person.  One person only.  And it's Kizaki Yuria.  YuriAnnin, next big major pair now that YuiParu is breaking down to Yui and Paruru.

"Trump says 'just words, folks.' It's his accusation and his defence. Words don't matter. Facts don't matter. If they don't, we're all lost."

That was JK Rowling's response to Trump and his celebrity-pussy-grabbing "locker room" talk. 

Maybe that's why I'm lost.  I don't believe in words.

I watched this talk about altruism, and why more people are altruistic than others...

And then it showed that less altruistic people have a smaller amygdala than those who are not altruistic...

This reminded me of this show I watched, where it showed that people in the 70s were making babies by combining high IQ people's sperm with egg, so that the child will have a higher advantage in this modern society, and they interviewed the babies who are now adults (and the adults are geniuses, the experiement worked).

Then I thought about how scientists would enlarge baby's amygdalas to have a happy cooperative utopia world...

I was also wondering... if the egotistical person, which is the opposite of the altruistic person have a shorter amygdala.  But that talk that I watched showed that psychopaths have a shorter amygdala.  I don't think people with high egos are psychopaths.  I wonder what the relationship between the amygdala and the ego is.  Or how about, what the association between the ego and being altruistic is.

Idk.  Amygdalas. Neocortexes.  Ego.  Shit.

Kinda disappointed with the Janken results... but I like how my oshi passed the first round.

No one even made a Gif set of her or posted any pictures of her on her Tumblr tag, so that makes me even sadder.

Fucking Slave Morality

It's so annoying!

In my lab practical, skills test, I was putting away the tubes, right?  Because I was done.  I created my streak plate and finished my Gram stain.  The tubes were in the front of the class room, and I was going to store the tubes that I used (E. Coli broths and slants) in the front rack, because that was where I obtained them. And then the instructor stopped me, and told me that they belong in the biohazard corner because they were contaminated.

I obeyed her, and just stored it back at the biohazard corner.

Why do I obey "people of authority" automatically?  Why do I obey first, and think later?  Do I not want to cause trouble?  Yes, I don't want to cause trouble.  But it wouln't hurt what I'm thinking in my head... which was: my aseptic technique was perfect BITCH.

This instructor, thinking she knows everything... which she does.  But still, people of authority are so annoying, it pisses me off. The aftertaste pisses me off.

But it does make sense though, because the next class after me would have used the tubes in the front, and what if I did contaminate it?

I think, what annoyed me most, was how she said "it's contaminated."  Like, she really thinks I contaminated them because of bad aseptic technique.  Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. But then again, it's possible that I did contaminated it.

I thought all these convoluted JRPG storylines were original...

I feel that, it turns out, they were all emulating the complicated plot of Neon Genesis Evangelion, capitalizing on an audience's desire for more confusing stories in the mid 90's...

So it was all about making money.

The ideas were fantastic.  But the motive is a letdown.

But so what, right?

Everything is inspired by something, it's impossible for something to be completely original. Unless... these creaters just threw in random philosophical jargon without clear connections, random plotwists, making me believe that it's something great, but really isn't, then I would just feel deceived. Would I like it if it wasn't like this?... maybe not actually.  And if I didn't like it, I would get better grades in school.

Then again.. I would never have known about Nietzsche if it wasn't for Xenosaga. And Nietzsche existed a century before the 90s.

Humans Don't Belong in Nature- Rant

You know how humans are so different than any other species?  Like, we "get tired", we have to build houses, we travel in cars.  You don't see any other animal on earth just stop to get rest.  Other animals are always alert, always running from predators, or always looking on organisms to prey on.  Also, we humans get hurt my temperature.  If it's too cold, we have to wear some external device, like a jacket, and we have to make fire.  You don't see any other animals manipulate external devices to adjust temperature.  At least, I don't.  We need air conditioning, and heaters.  No other animal does this.  So humans are like ALIENS.  We are so different...we don't NATURALLY belong in this planet.  We build SEPARATE communities AWAY from NATURE.   Why is this?  It's because we're NOT FROM HERE.  And you know what caused this??!?!?!?

THE METEORITES FROM OUTTA SPACE THAT KILLED THE DINOSAURS OUT.

THE METEORITES CONTAINED... a bacteria, that infected humans, specifically targetting the neo-cortex. And then a mutation occured in our ape ancestors...  resulting in this mess.  So we're all a big messy mutated mess who don't really belong in this planet.

AND THESE METEORS were brought to us by... OUR ALIEN ANCESTORS.

AND THAT'S WHY we have this innate function... to be excited about space exploration.  Why do we want to know things?  Why do we want to travel to space?  It's BECAUSE WE WANT TO GO HOME, BACK TO OUR ALIEN FAMILY IN OUTTER SPACE.  (Okay this last section is pushing it...)

Yeah I've been thinking of Chrono Trigger and Chrono Cross way too much...

Ah... I can put it in words now!

My desire to stay home defeats all other motivations.

Yep.

I feel like I have to replay Chrono Cross... just because the story is unessesarily convoluted.  Here are some points I am confused about, or some other questions that I have:

-The Dragon God.  So it's advanced Dragonian technology, consumed by Lavos.  What I don't understand is, how is a physical avatar form so impactful.  I don't understand.
-The Counter-balance thing.  So Terra Tower was pulled in to counter-balance the appearance of Chronopolis.  Is this thing for everything?  So if Crono, Lucca, Marle and gang went back in time, what would be sent along with them?  Shouldn't something have been sent too, to counter-balance them during the events in Chrono Trigger?

Meh there's more but whatever, my arm hurts. Can't type.

I hate it when people think they got me all figured out... (maybe that's why I don't like being close to people, maybe I really don't like being understood)...

And then I thought of the planet... and all the scientists who try to understand the planet... and if the planet is like me, wouldn't it want to unleash disaster on those who try to understand it?... or maybe it already has...

Wait!  I'm not saying I would unleash disaster.  So nevermind... But!  What if the planet is kinda like me in that way, but is more aggressive to unleashing disaster than I am?

Nahhhh.

If it is, it would have just did an earthquake to wipe everyone out.  The planet is killing people slowly... viruses and cancer and stuff take a long time too.

My definition for maturity: Conforming without complaining. (Conforming is a negative word to me Btw).

I was thinking of Chrono Cross since I just finished playing Chrono Trigger for like the 20th time.  I played Chrono Cross when I was 12, and again when I was 19 or something like that.  Of course I used the wiki then, to understand it because the story is convoluted and I'm stupid.  And now I'm reading about it again and it makes more sense, and I'm going to replay it.  But that got me thinking of Xenogears, which is also a JRPG that I have, but never finished... and I heard that story is convoluting as well.  The best JRPG stories are all convoluted...

But I thought about it again... and read about it.. and both stories are ultimately about love, like romantic love.  Love across parallel worlds, because of spoilers Serge blah blah Kidd, and love across the eternal recurrence, which is Fei and blah blah that one girl.  So boooo!  I think these love stories surpass Murakami's though, 1Q84 sucked ass, and Murakami was trying to make a complicated super love story thing.  I think Xenogears and Chrono Cross's concept of complicated love is... more complex so it's vastly superior.  Meh, whatever.  Booooo, love!  Schopenhaur says love is just nature's trick into making us reproduce.  And I agree with him.  

I guess I'll finish Suikoden... and then Suikoden II.  I didn't spoil myself, but I think it's not about love. At least I hope it's not.   But then again, that part in Suikoden I just passed... this cool lady who was my age just died, and her boyfriend still doesn't know about it.  At least it's in the middle of the game, and not the end ultimate conclusion sort of thing that Chrono Cross and Xenogears does with their concept of true love. 

I feel like I'm the only person, when seeing people, who thinks to myself

"this person is cute.  And this person's going to die, and is going to have a funeral someday.  With a coffin in the center with arms crossed, and people crying, and touching the corpse... and so is this person, and that person."

It's kinda lonely.  I should think of the cremated guy from Crow's Blood then, how it was kinda funny how he was waking up to flames, being cremated alive.

Nevermind

I'm so excited for Moon now l0l

Looking forward to the next two months...

Janket tournament with Riona in October, and Pokemon Moon in November...

Pokemon Sun and Moon is coming out soon and I don't feel excited... I'm sad because I can't feel excited.  I started tearing up because I miss that feeling, that feeling of feeling excited, like when I was ten when I got Silver version or 12 when I got Sapphire.

And then I kinda laughed because in my mind, I imagined something dramatic and said doushite, probably because I watched too many Japanese dramas.

Oh, it was my Youtube account's 10 year anniversary yesterday.

Being misguided by my own ego...

I think it's okay, probably everyone else is misguided by their own egos too.

Quick Outline Thing... Because it's what Machiavelli Suggests

Dumb outline reflecting on entertainment I was into over my adult years...  things in parenthesis is real life stuff, ie the maze of relationships  and school related stuff.

2008: Nintendo DS, Kirby Super Star again,  Back to the PS2: Persona 3, Atelier Iris series, Xenosaga.

-(Also when I did well academically.  Had a good friend who lived close by but I suck.)

2009-2012, the Dumb Messiah Complex

2009: Being distracted, Persona 4, Pokemon, Ace Attorney, Back to MapleStory (Sad days), watched KDrama

-(Academic performance declined.  Had fun with the Maxim though with Professor Anker. Had a good friend, was able to make her laugh.  Was also invited to my other friend's birthday.)

2010: FFVIII, Detective Conan, more Nintendo DS, Professor Layton, Boston Celtics

-(Invited to my other other friend's birthday, and also, rethinking what to do... trying to find my identity, leaning on Christianity, Reading Partners, love for Children's lit and teaching revitalized)

2011:  More Nintendo DS, PvP MapleStory Days

-(Clinical experience with ghetto friends, had fun literature subjects, reunited with a good old high school friend, good advice from the Biology professor, and Reading Partners.)

2012: MapleStory PvP friends + ending, being happy for a little while, Replayed SMRPG, Chrono Trigger, FFVII, FFIX, read first Murakami, reread DeathNote

-(New school but changed major immediately... academic performance declined once again, I put myself in a position where I could have never won.  Met up with two old friends from high school, and met a cool girl.  This is also when I started reading a bunch of Japanese literature.)

2013-2016, the Cold Years

2013: Watching and waiting, New MapleStory classes, Twitch.tv, Reading a bunch of Murakami....

-(Changed Major back, cruised through, brother leaving the house towards the end, completed lots of easy classes for the easy degree... Abraham Lincoln and English 19th century Literature.  Stopped talking to cool girl, as well as my other two high school friends, started talking to this Filipino/Mexican other girl, and this other white girl, and another Mexican Tumblr girl a little bit though)

2014:  Still obsessed, Nintendo 3DS, Pokemon X and Alpha Sapphire, Stepmania, Bunch of Stand-up Comedy and waiting... closed in on "the distance."  (Feeling that the waiting was going to be worth it).

-(Professor... forgothernameTigermom with the nice tips, befriended two other Filipino people, some old Viet math guy, and this cool black guy from Zambia.  Friend girl offered me to taste wine out of the same cup as her. Three cool new friends, and towards the end, Professor Sarvasy, philosophy, Telling it Slant... revisting elementary schools.  Ms. Creely and Mrs Newman.)

2015:  Still waiting, PersonaQ, Brain Age 2, One Piece, Full Metal Alchemist, Harry Potter, FFRK, Philosophy lectures, and Reboot MapleStory towards the end

-(Met up with decade long internet friend, met up with another internet friend, and the road trip in all directions with my Dad's side of the family)

2016:  Finally ended it, The Closing of the Three Star Prophecy , Brain Age Concentration Training, stopped MapleStory. Obession with AKB48

-(Back in school, slave morality, blah blah blah...)

Anyways, it looks like I meet up with some really cool people, but my head is always in the clouds.  The clouds being my internet life, and I miss out on cool real life things... I did not enjoy those moments as they happened because I kept on thinking about my life on the internet and how I love certain internet people.  I can only enjoy them looking back.  Or maybe it was because of my head in the clouds.  It's because my heads were in the clouds that I was able to befriend real life people, because I wasn't trying too hard. That could be it, too.

And before all this...

2004: Golden Sun, Discovering the internet, first MMOs, Naruto. 

-(Straight A's but got a B in Physics... the B haunted me my freshman year and beyond.)

2005: MapleStory, Bleach.

-(Kind of had a friend, but did not know how to be one.)

2006: Quasaron

-(First obsessive love, destroyed everything but clinged on to life because of it.)

2007: ZONE

-(Teacher Cadet was fun, I started talking, but everything I said was dumb.)


I think my life started going downhill after being introduced to the internet... I had breakdowns before that though, in Grade 7, when I was 12, but I was still a good student.  I think I was messed up just because I did not know how to handle puberty, so a phase like that was probably normal for everyone.

 I say my life is downhill, because I am really at a position I did not want to be in, Lol.  I could have changed it, I really could have. I need more... courage?  Like what Luffy and JK Rowling encourages.  Which can be achieved by Plato's soul crafting and blah blah blah going out.

I really needed this time of recovery.  I don't feel suicidal at all anymore.  I barely even have thoughts of it.  Anyways, books I've read,  during my times of the closest I've ever been to a recluse.

Books I've read but didn't write anything about it, even though I thought about writing about it...

Reread the entire Harry Potter series.
The Lake
The Bell Jar
The Secret Life of Bees
The Da Vinci Code
Harry Potter and the Cursed Child
The Catcher in the Rye

And there were a couple of books that I opened up and read a couple of passages from... Thus Spoke Zarathustra, The Great Gatsby, The Brothers Karamazov, Selected Writings of Ralph Waldo Emmerson...  this one book about perception and stuf where it gives samples of what other recluses thought of during their experiments as recluses.

And a couple of philosophy lectures... Jean Paul Satre, Camus, Schopenhaur, Buber, Rollo May, Maslow, Heidegger, blah blah Hell is with other people, everyone objectifies everyone, the it and thou blah blah.

Also read a couple of manga.  I completed one, Full Metal Alchemist.  And there There were a couple that I read only a few volumes of, and some where I caught up and stuff... Boku wa Mari, One Piece, Great Teacher Onizuka, Love Hina.

I should be writing how each of these made me feel instead of just listing them, but listing them is a start.  It helps me remember what I actually wanted to remember about them. Actually, I can list some thoughts...

The Da Vinci Code.  Addicting book, but ultimately I think it's just Dan Brown, the author, trying to flirt with all the world's literate women.

The Lake, The Bell Jar, and the Secret Life of Bees.  Well, The Lake was just a therapeautic read throughout, with lots of memorable quotes that I recorded... but didn't remember. It's been almost a year since I read that one actually.  Same as the Secret Life of Bees... and the author is a nurse!  And then the Bell Jar.  I don't know what to think about it, I just read it as it is without thinking about it much.  I got her though, I understood it and all.

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.  Was really meant for a play, not much of a therapeautic read.

The Catcher and the Rye... my favorite read out of whatever I read.  That scene with Phoebe towards the end... where Phoebe tells good old Holden that he doesn't like anything.  And he responds with how he does like some things.  Like Allie, who's dead, and the moment, like that moment when he was talking to Phoebe.  That killed me.

I think I passed through a moment where I got to be the closest I will ever be with someone...

I must stop thinking that something better will exist.  Because it's not.

Okay, so if Riona goes on Showtime again, I have a list of questions to ask her, or things to actually talk to her about instead of the usual "love from california!" I'll say "I love your singing of Ordinary Day on Tokushima Radio!" Or "participate in AKBINGO Diva competition!" And there's also the "congratulations on making it to the Janken Tournament!"

Other questions that I think of include: "are your parents dentists?" Because when she used to post Youtube videos of her dancing, her walls look like the ones I see at the dentist's.

Things that I should remember

-Ignore feelings of guilt. (And have the courage to be hated)

-I am responsible for how I feel each day. 

-Remember Soul Crafting (And Will)

-Everyone is getting older... (So treat everyone like they're going to die)

-No pain no gain. (Ignore being sleepy, I am old.  I am not going to grow anymore.)

I stopped writing because...

I hated everything to do with humans.

And humans write, it's a human thing to do.

It's a human constructed activity.

So I was against it.

But whatever, I want to write again, because, whatever.

OSHI SENBATSU

1.  Riona Hamamatsu
2.  Kusaka Konomi
3.  Iwatate Saho
4.  Rie Kitahara
5.  Haruna Kinoshita
6.  Shibuya Nagisa
7.  Shiroma Miru
8.  Nishino Miki
9.  Shimazaki Haruka
10. Yamada Nanami
11. Kumazawa Serina
12. Matsuoka Hana
13. Kato Yuuka
14. Takahashi Juri
15. Ogino Yuka
16. Shibata Aya

Last day of May...

Still recovering.

I haven't been writing or reading like I said I was going to, but memorizing 48G members and such is still a mind work out, right?

I need... the confidence to be hated.

KAMI EIGHT 2016 PREDICTIONS

1. Shimazaki Haruka
2. Sayaka Yamamoto
3. Sashihara Rino
4. Watanabe Mayu
5. Matsui Jurina
6. MUTO TOMU
7. Kashiwagi Yuki
8. OKADA NANA

YOU HEARD ME.

I'm writing... all my posts are drafts... I can't finish anything Lol

Okay, I'm really going to do it!

I'm going to write everyday for sure... I have so much to talk about...

Well, not really "write," more like "talking to my blog."  (So you people who actually do come across this and read it won't judge me for my grammar mistakes!)

WOAh the voice actor for Bulbasaur (first voice actor for Bulbasaur U.S, and Melonie from the Bulbasaur episode... and SETO KAIBA's BROTHER, AND SETA SOJIRO FROM KENSHIN) LIKED... I repeat... LIKED my instagram post... crazyyYYYY. So I followed her, Lol.

Her name is Tara Jayne Sands.  I thought it was really cool.  She liked this post of mine:

I have so many posts in Draft... I can't finish anything Lol

It includes:

-Thoughts on basketball
-Why I am choosing not to be a teacher
-A response to Moving On
-Knowing all GFriend members names

I like Gfriend a lot.  They're so cool especially SinB (she's the one in black, on this video). I feel so weird watching and liking this music since I think I'm nearing that old age, but I really like the lyrics (it's on the offical MV on Youtube if you turn on captions) and the dance.  The song kinda relates to how I'm feeling at the moment and SinB's expression when she dances is like "twirly twirly fuck you all I'm gonna kick, shit" It's like you can think of anything and just put that thought into SinB's thoughts since her expression is so neutral.

I never been so captivated at a Kpop group since the Nothing Last Forever days of Girl's Day which was like... more than five years ago.

Um... a surprise sequel?

Just letting you know that I decided to move on.

Sorry about my attitute at the end. Realizing that he actually was your boyfriend and you not ever going to talk to me about what I did, clouded my judgment.  Him siding with you made it worse.  Most people would say to just tell me what I did three years ago, so I can move on. But he sided with you.  So, the only thing on my mind at the time was to break you two up, which resulted in me saying disgusting things about you.  Not only that, it took you forever to respond... here I was, going out of character, being vulnerable, being open, saying everything on my mind, being impulsive hoping for a good conversation and a true closure but it took more than an hour for a single response!  If it takes that long to respond, then it's BS.  It's dishonest BS.  It wasn't even a converstaion.  You sent your messages in long bulks.  This is why I say it's BS.  And you made him respond to the things I was joking in too, not the important issues. Was that even him?  Or were you lying once again?

But I understand.  You did not want to hurt me, because I am now a stalker and nothing else.  You don't know anything about me because you refused to understand me, even though I understood you.  The thing is, we never ended our friendship.  No closure meant we were still friends, at least in my eyes.  You just waited for time to destroy everything? It's too bad time does not erode my feelings.  Criminal relationship? Just because you can't spend ten minutes to talk which could have saved you three years.  It could have saved you from the thoughts that hurt you. You just disappeared, and I felt like it was all my fault, and it was my job to track you down and make up for everything.  You didn't do anything.  You don't care about friendship, you just like spitting that word out because you're desperate for attention since no one else likes you. What did I even do?  Fall in love with you?  And you just shoved me aside.  I'm moving on.  Fuck you. 

PS: My favorite LCS team is SKE48 T1K... F3

Ah, not sending this though.. an unsent letter!  But it'll be in my back pocket just in case something happens... I'll use this.

Another thing that annoyed me... was how long it took to get a simple response.

Here I was being all emotional, vulnerable, and saying whatever was on my mind... and here she is getting her "boyfriend" to talk to me, waiting, getting technical with responses, and responding with bulky ass shit, while I'm doing one liners, trying to make it all sound natural... because that's what you do when you talk.  You talk with honesty and it's most honest when it's natural, not calculated long ass BS!!!

I feel like responding to that last message...

Because I responded when I was tired and angry.  It's not fair.  This instant messaging days.

I should have waited a week... and it's been a week.  It's a good time to respond.  But it's already over.

The last message was "ATTACK ATTACK ATTACk goodbye."  A hit and run.  Not fair.  Didn't give me a chance to attack.

Ugh it's so annoying!  Here I am being a responsible friend and what do I get?  Shit!  I get shit!

Oh and I think I want to be a Nurse... the people won't call me a pedophile, and I can relate to everyone in my family since everyone in my family are nurses. Plus motherfucking WALT WHITMAN was a nurse!!!

Money money money money money money money money money money money money money money!!!!!!!!

I think this is why Benjamin Franklin says we all die at 25.  We all submit to MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY.

Aristotle would say it's okay, the more money you make the more you're able to help everyone else!  I think it's true.  I can donate more, give to homeless, blah blah blah.

Ah I've been thinking of 1Q84 and Final Fantasy VIII...

I don't like 1Q84 a lot... it's supposed to be an epic love story.  I think Final Fantasy VIII's is better and cuter, and more realistic-ish.

 The whole Laguna and Julia thing... and then Laguna having a second love after Julia, and having a child with her.  And then Julia, marrying someone else who's not Laguna and having a child with him... and the children fall in love when they're all grown up.

Maybe my future child will marry her future child... Lol

I've been trying to limit my internt usage.  My productivity decreases when I'm online, because all I do is stalk her, and it is useless now that she really did move on, and does not remember me.

So that's easy.  I don't turn on my computer anymore.

Now, the problem.  I have an Ipad.

And I changed my wallpaper.

To Mirururururn so fking cute wtf I just press the home button just to see her face like every five minutes, then I check Neko Atsume, and then i exit and check my wallpaper home page thing again, SO CUTE WTF.

Mirurun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually nevermind, not going to move on...

If moving on means that I'll talk to girls to date them... I am not going to do that.

I'm just going to be here.  And do what I normally do.

Which is being a total nerrrrrd and thinker of goofy stuff.

List of games I want...

-Kingdom Hearts Rechain of Memories
-Wild Arms
-Wild Arms II
-Wild Arms V
-Shadow Hearts
-Shadow Hearts Covenant
-Shadow Hearts to the New World
-Shin Megami Tensei Nocturne

Moving on without a closure...

I read somewhere that writing a list of the person's cons can help me move on...

-Really ugly
-Thinks she's cute, but really ugly
-Bad taste in fashion
-Ugly yellow teeth
-Bad to her parents
-Refuses to talk about important issues
-Hypocritical
-Believes in the dumb politicians
-Refuses to understand other people
-Dishonest
-Liar
-Flirty
-Big hands
-Big feet
-Slippers
-Bad to her sister
-Unappreciative of what she has
-Says bad words
-Doesn't read novels
-Too many relatives
-Inconsiderate
-Doesn't listen to George Carlin
-My mom would call her ugly
-My dad would call her ugly
-My brother would call her ugly
-My cousin would call her ugly
-Shit, everyone will think she ugly!!!

Of course she has a lot of good things about her... but I'm writing this to move on, not to fall for her again.

I'll start playing some games so I can move on.  I'll start with Suikoden because it seems like the game that would remind me least of her.  I know Xenogears is virtually an epic love story.

I'll start with my PSX collection, then move on to Dreamcast, and then maybe PS2...  note that these are just console JRPGs.

PSX:
Suikoden
Suikoden II
Xenogears
Persona 2
Final Fantasy VIII
Grandia

Dreamcast:
Grandia II
Skies of Arcadia

PS2:
Phantasy Star II
Phantasy Star III
Phantasy Star IV
Suikoden III
Suikoden IV
Suikoden V
Final Fantasy XII
Wild Arms 3
Wild Arms 4

It's useless for me to hold on.  I'm not even her friend anymore.  I can't help her when her relationship is on the rocks.

But whatever.

I'm going to still stalk her, to spite her boyfriend though.
She didn't even talk to me in the end.  So I feel unresolved.
He says he doesn't tolerate stalking.  Well, I say fuck that!

Damn, I hate friends that suck!

Anyways, so long my love, Summer of 2012- February... something 2016, because I know I'll move on by March.

Ah.  She has a boyfriend now.  She did not wait for me.  Fuck.

Final Round VS Jess

FINAL BATTLE

Got Concentration Training... just because I couldn't do anything anymore in Brain Age 2.

It's been one year...

since I first stamped an OK on my Brain Age 2 File.