awh fuck 2

She wasn't in a relationship.  She was single.

THAT MEANS I SHOULD HAVE JUST WROTE LOVE LETTERS.

... and dammit, I think she thinks I'm a loser.  I have to show that I'm not a loser and I can only do that IRL so fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  If only I held on until July 3... shit!  Some patient person I am.

Trying too hard

I notice I try really hard to show who I am in person, online.

And in person, I try my best to show who I am online...

Anyways.



I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

I don't know shit about her.

NOTHING

NOTHING could have prepared me for what has happened.

Didn't really like her initially.

Then I just... fell.

And it took over.  Maybe if I was already in a relationship things wouldn't have ended the way they did.

But anyways, I have to remember that not thinking at all is better than pointless thinking.

Though... the thought of her makes me hate the world.

another thing that she helped in...

made me realize that I really don't want to be a CLS... because I wasn't looking forward to it.

oops!

So I think I really do need money.

Goals

I think I'm really not introverted now... I can trace the signs from my past.

I've always enjoyed visitors.  I remember bits of pieces of when they'd come to my house and I was really young... my brother would want to stay in his room, and I followed whatever he did.  So, I didn't get out to meet anyone.

When my cousins left, I'd cry.  I've always liked company.

So yeah, I don't think I'm an introverted person that I thought I was.  I always enjoy reading in class and speeches... I guess it was my own ideas and thoughts that I'm just afraid of.  Judgment, that's all.   So I'm just shy and I need exposure.

I really can't see me in a relationship, or ever believing if someone ever truly loves or likes me because I've never been who I always wanted to be... I've always wanted to be comfortable everywhere I go, and I'm not.  I need that exposure and independence because that's what I want and what I believe I should be doing, and I should be at that level before anyone can love or like me.

I think the most important step to become the person I want to be, is courage, and I have to have the courage to take the little steps.  I need: exposure, and I need to just speak and ask questions.  I find me being with another friend helps me a lot to be social.  Having friends is about giving and taking... it's not all about give and give, so I must  start taking advantage of friends.  I actually do have friends with a wide social network, so I'm not too concern about being so alone... or I shouldn't be at least.

Dancing should help.  I should also initiate calls to my two other best friends.  I already know which people I dislike, so I know how to stay away from it.

I should also stop thinking about what I have to say, because usually after that thought of thinking about what to say I think of the next scenario and possible conversations after what I say which usually do not even happen.  I should just think of what I want to say one at a time.

Anyways, as much anticonsumerist that I want to be, there is a little bit of bad and good in us, therefore I am a hypocrite because ... well, I don't know many words, and I don't know a word that is equivalent to "a little bit of hypocrite", so what I want are new headphones.  Earphones kill my ear.  I want headphones.

Maybe...

Maybe things are better off knowing.

That's why she's not telling me anything... she's being really motherly by protecting me from the truth of how much she probably hates me or something... so motherly... motherly... like a good future wife... GAH SHE HAS TO BE MY FUTURE WIFE.

Whatever the case, it's not over until one of us dies.

Anyways, it sucks because she was all I had, that I felt was a really secure friendship... now I have to make the effort to talk to people and... shit!  The energy to sustain friendships... ughh so exhausting.

Marry Marry Marry

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." ~Socrates

This quote has been in my head for a long time.  It's so funny because I think it's really true!  Because it combines evolutionary Biology with what's not evolutionary Biology, because we're sorta made to procreate and if we can't we think about the meaning of life because we can't really procreate in a bad relationship... and I've never been in a relationship and I'm always rejected and whatever, so...

maybe that's why I always think like this, thinking about meanings of life and shiz. So funnay.

See ya... on Facebook

doesn't it suck how we don't get to have proper goodbyes anymore?

it's always "see ya on facebook"

and knowing how easy it is to just talk online, and how easily accessible communicating is, its like never leaving or you'd feel guilty that you're not communicating, right?

so when you actually see someone, use the senses you don't use, which would be always to HUG and SNIFF.  when you see your online friend HUG AND SNIFF THAT BITCH.

"stepping out of your comfort zone will lead you to greater things"

stoopid pride

pride is so fucking stupid.

pushing my shopping cart aggressively today, passing ppl and stuff, and i was like yeah fuck ya'll i have shopping cart pride and can push it better than all of you motherfuckerssss

STUPID FUCKING THOUGHTS

Should I plan this impulse explosion?  But then again... impulses are never planned... what the fuck do I call it.

I want to know... but maybe I shouldn't.  Maybe the truth is detrimental to my health... like she hates everything about what I say and think.  That would hurt....

Maybe I'm not holding her back... maybe she's holding ME back.

yeah I like the arts...

FUCK THE TRUTH
FUCK THE TRUTH
DASRITE, FUCK THE TRUTH

JUST FUCK IT
FUCKING TRUTH.
FUCK IT, FUCK IT. FUCK IT.

maintenance

Hope I can maintain this feeling... I finally feel alive and ready to kick some ass.

No matter how prepared I was for it...

http://xenosbioz.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-premonition.html

I still fall face down.  But... this just shows... how psychic I am!

And we'll definitely end up together.  Because... what ever happens, happens, BECAUSE I'll do whatever I can to make it happen... but not for now, our friendship needs some cool down time... it can even take years....  or did we even have a friendship?

Yes, I think I created some moments... my intuition is telling me so, and so I'll hold on to this, because this is the only thing I can believe in right now, this pounding of my heart...

....this is so stupid.

ANYWAYS, WHINY KID MODE:  I'M SO HOT, FUNNY, SMART, CARING, I LISTEN TO YOU, I CAN BE A BITCH, AND SHIT AND STUFF, WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME T_______T SHIIIIIIIIIT FUUUUCK!!!!@@!

"You need to get out more" annoyed me the most.

I tried.

I guess we were nothing.  Another farewell post, Lol, I'm so pathetic in goodbyes...

quotes of the day:

"It'll only cost you your life... and you got that for free!"
"...something about life being too long."

"what you read is an abstraction of the truth"

new purpose in life:  To maintain my laziness but not get fat.

Whatever happens, happens, but with every opportunity I get, and whatever I feel, I'll do my best to make it work.

no appreciation...

I realized how little she appreciated me... I've felt it, but it was just a feeling that never actually happened... there's nothing that I can look at and say thank you to her...

didn't want to do this...

But I think I'll get mutual friends involved....

I'll wait... 17 more days, starting tomorrow.

"She's missing out" is what my friend told me after we hung out... I don't know if she was just flattering me, but those words soothed my heart.

Just You And Me

You were sitting at the coffee table
where you're reading Kierkegaard
Minutes later, you proceeded to say
something that almost broke my heart

You said, "Darling, I am tired of livin' my routined life.
There's so much in the world that i'd like
to soak up with my eyes."

Zee Avi, Just You and Me

Oh Zee Avi, these stanzas resonates with my positive soul and cuddles my heart.  

this is how the heart hardens.

I guess I was just someone you could vent to.  Nothing more.  Nothing less. 

Confidence

Confidence comes from practice...

my practice comes from my... imagination.

Damn, Didn't Think of This

Should have asked her...

"You saying that means you don't like me, righ?t"

"You having a crush on that guy means you don't like me, right?"

"You not asking how my day is means you don't like me, right?

Those Days are... Gone?

Missing the days when my priorities were leveling up and attempting to create stories.

Need to Stay Away from my House....

Otherwise I'm stuck here waiting for her, even though knowing that she'll never come back.

Bolt!

Just watched Disney's Bolt.
Fucking good movie.
I cried like three times for not story reasons.  Fuuuck I love it so much lol.

A Chitanda

Replaying the events in my head over and over again.

I can't figure out what happened... it's so split.

Deductions:  so she went to go out and play with other friends... but certainly she couldn't have forgotten about me, right?  I did talk about this other girl, did she get jealous?  (I'm hoping she would because that would show that she has feelings for me?)  But... it was only natural to get back at her... she kept talking about other guys that made me feel like... "you know what, how about this?!?!?"  I was laughing when I wrote all of that... how come she can't talk to me... maybe she really is shy, but I was hoping she would want to talk to me instead of blocking me.

I can't do anything except sleep.  This is making me even more unattractive.  I'm going insane... and I will go down with this ship.  It's been four months since I talked to her.  Like really really talked to her... and four months from now will be an anniversary for when we met.