just questions. and some answers.

She blocked me.  I think it's only because I'm not showing my effort as much as I thought I was.

Do I list all her cons?  Is she worth it?

She killed a few online relationships of mine.  She didn't keep her promise.  But she's hurt.

Do I like her because I pity her?  No, I don't pity her, I am amazed at her performance with others, though in my experience with her, she has a limit.

I do have a lot of time on my hands.  How about trying it?  Trying to write this ultimate letter?  I have a feeling that it'll bring her back to my future life.

But what if she does come back?  That hurt will come back.  The hurt that made me drop Pharmachology last year.  Made me achieve a C in Physiology.  The hurt that got me a D in Microbiology. The hurt that made me lose time with friends, that made me drift apart from my friends.

I got what I needed from her, right?  Should I just move on?

But what if we become lovers. I don't know what she'll be like, but I have a hunch to what she is like, and the hunch is hunching ferociously.

It will be worth it... this is a scar in my life.  I'll regret not doing it, I may fall down even more, sinking down to the core.

Show her the effort.  Get her back.  See what happens.

Her blocking me is actually my best chance to show how much I care.  But now the feeling is waning, and I don't think it's worth it.  It's not worth it.

it's getting HOT.

I tend to put things off that are most important to me.  Do I have a slight personality disorder that makes me have to be in a perfect mood, perfect feeling, and perfect timing (earliest) to do something?  I don't get myself, if I have to do something, how come I don't do it?  It can't be laziness.  Am I waiting for pressure or what?  What do I need to do something I need to do?!?!

I thought of this nice quote but I can't remember it.  It has to do with my kind of thinking.

I think I have to go for her.  And what else... she never liked me, because she's not willing to understand me.  She's so sensitive, I can't believe I have to explain myself every single time. Ugh.  I wish we would just meet. That would sort things out much better.  And I guess she really doesn't care... or she's waiting to be cared for.  I think she's waiting to be cared for.  Thus, I will care for her... by showing her effort!

But I'm fuckin lazy dammit! Does this mean I don't really love her?  I guess I should cherish this time without her to sort out my mind and feelings.  Then after that, I can write the perfect letter... or not if I don't feel the need to.

5/8 was the day.

5/8 was the day she left my life.

I MUST WORK NOW.  AND FINISH.  AND BE SATISFIED.

yes!

The Ultimate Letter is in progress.  Prepare yourselves!

The committed heart searches for an answer.

bitch!

My real goodbye is in progress... I wonder if I should start off with "BITCH!" or.. READ PLZ BITCH!  Whateverrrr.

Goodbye my heart ^^

After chasing after her, I don't think I'd have much to write, since I tend to only blog when I'm in this infatuation shit.

the Ultimate Letter.

The best letters are HANDWRITTEN.

OMG WHY HAVEN'T I THOUGHT OF THIS.

And then I'll draw cute little pictures on the side.

buHAHAHAHAHAHAHA it's the ultimate sincerity.

still doesn't feel right.

I feel that there is something missing in my letter. It's mostly me talking about myself and what I did wrong.  There isn't much love to her, but she won't even believe it if I do show love.

Reverse psychology.  Maybe I'll get angry, and she won't believe that.  But maybe she will. I have to incorporate reverse psychology effects into this email somehow.

Should I show her my blog?  I'll read through it...

I guess I did start off with so much information about me, and you can’t put the pieces together.  I guess it’s like Speech; you have to start off with the very basic information that people can easily understand before going to the much detailed.

Post relationship status:

-No matter how sincere I am, she'll never trust me.

-She thinks I'm bribing her into seeing me in a different light by giving her things.

-She talks to my friends about me. Yet she says she doesn't understand me.

I bet this is all entertainment to them.

Maybe I should show more aggressiveness?  But it scared her away.  And wow I just had this sudden craving for Kara's Cupcakes.

Or now I'm having doubts.  Maybe I should leave it up to her to handle it. It's her attitude that's the problem.

And I think I liked myself BEFORE I fell for her. I guess I convinced myself that she's the one, and I have been looking at her traits... but I look at myself, there are no improvements to what I do. She made me worse than before.

But I am hardheaded.

after this.

I'd give up.  She won't be the person I like I guess... my efforts are futile.

It's unhealthy.  Trying to translate myself into words, it can't be done.  I'm not always confident with myself because I surprise myself a lot. Doing so much for someone I don't really know.  I'll convince myself that she's not what I think she is.  She's not what I think she is.

I failed to be a good friend, and that's it.  With that, I'm afraid of failing other goals in life.  But it's how I can rebound from this loss, right?

Even if I be a friend again, I'll admit, my mood swings are quite cumbersome for both of us. "Friendship is built on trust."  If it is, I better tell her that I'll be blanked out when I get mad, I hope she knows this, and that I am really quick to forgive if she stays in the conversation... it's so frustrating.  I'm so frustrated with myself.  I don't get myself.  Why am I so much like this?

It'll be all okay.  I can finally study in peace, and I can finally learn.  I won't be a believer in true love, but I'll be a believer in a committed love relationship.  I won't call it true love, but a committed type of relationship.  I won't hate love.  I did okay without love before, I felt that gush of confidence back in my Senior year in high school.  But in reality, I was just showing off that I can do better than I was to my first obsession.

Because I know if I keep holding on, something will happen between us, and she'll be so annoyed.  But there's also a feeling that she wants me to try my best, that I have to try harder and that she has to see it.  She has to see my perseverance.  But then again, what if she's really not like it?  It's a deduction from what she said to me.  Written words without expressions.  Though I can see the differences in how words are written from her.   It's just so confusing, she is so confusing.  I have to figure her out somehow.

I don't know.  But I think this would be my last chance.  I have to perfect this letter and she has to receive it somehow.  I'm glad her best friend is my friend, she's really special.  I admire their relationship so much.  I don't want a friendship like that because I'd feel the degradation of my manhood.

It will be a weight off my shoulders, and I'll work harder.  There's a part of me that wants her to reject this and a part of me that wants her to not reject it.  But really, I really want to give it one last big bang.  The finisher to this maze. My final refuge. It's not anger. My peace treaty.

true love exists because i haven't met her. true love exists because i haven't met her...

But I did meet her.



Hi!  First I would like to thank you for checking your trash bin.  It makes me happy because it shows that you genuinely care, even though I know you do and you just don’t show it. I know you’re never going to talk to me again, but you never told me that I can’t talk at you still, even though talking at you annoys you, but I still have to maintain my consistency.  I have no other way to contact you, so I have no choice but to send yet another email.

If you copied and pasted my blog that one day, did you note that it said “these are my thoughts?”  I just added “sorry for the drama” near the end after editing it a couple of times.  Originally, I wasn’t going to say “sorry for the drama.”  Also, it was just saying that I would be in Vegas, I wanted you to miss me, but I didn’t say it because I also told you last week, and I wanted to show you that I’m moving on, which I really thought that I did.  Then you talked to me about “not being able to control who we love” and I really thought I had a chance so I held on to those words.

I think I continued blogging, and you probably felt that it was towards you. I guess a part of me wanted to blog towards you though it was intentionally for me. I don’t remember what was going on my mind at that time. I was happy and at the same time extremely confused.  I did not know if you liked me that way, and I did not know if I should keep going, but I still wanted to be friends.  I felt like if I kept talking to you, you would think that I’m only talking to you because I like you that way, since you told me to be a “best friend” and you would think that I’m only doing it because I like you that way, and I really don’t want you to think that I want to be your friend because I like you that way. So I put down evil thoughts that you might or might not like I guess, wondering how you would react to different sides and thoughts of “me” who I’m trying to still figure out (it stops at age 25 I think).

I knew I was going to lie somehow.  It’s probably something I forgot to say, but in the first email I said that I promised myself that I won’t lie.  If I promised you, I wouldn’t lie but I know that’s impossible because I really don’t know when I lie, but if it’s really obvious I would know if I lied, but sometimes I lie in hopes that you notice that I do lie but you always take the label of lying as me making you not believe in me, but then again that email was to you so I guess I’m still lying so never mind this whole paragraph.

I don’t get it.  You’re mom and grandma looks down on you, and treats your brother better than you?  You’re dad is giving money to your brother so he can go to school?  Your boyfriend doesn’t even want to look at your face when you talk?  I don’t get it.  I don’t get why these people, supposed to be close to you, sharing the same blood, and sharing a future together.  I don’t get why you’re still so effing kind to everyone. Marites has a job and you don’t… it must be discouraging how you can’t treat her more than she deserves because I know you would.  You’re friends… you lost a couple yet you value them so much.  But they severed ties.  I really don’t see why you don’t hate the world more than you should, but you probably do, yet you are so kind.  Maybe that is what intrigues me the most about you and maybe that’s why I love or like you or obsessive compulsive with you or whatever.

I didn’t want to end the friendship that time.  I didn’t mean to, the “yup” just came out of embarrassment.  But you left, and I was sad, so I let it go but I emailed you back right after but you didn’t get the email. I meant to kill off any feelings you had for me if you did, and I wanted to kill those feelings from me thinking that it won’t hurt so much if I did that but it didn’t work. I tried to make you hate me, and maybe if you hated me, I wouldn’t love you anymore.  But I was wrong, and it backfired and made you hate me instead of me hating you.  I never wanted to say goodbye that time.  What I meant by that thing was to not like you that way anymore, and I chose to move on. But you were too quick in saying goodbye and I was too slow and embarrassed to say “wait.”

The hate mail was impulsive at first, but I planned out the timing of sending it.  It was something new, and I tried it out as a reversed psychology affect.  I failed to do so, because it’s still a lie or whatever I guess.  You didn’t respond to any of my other emails so I tried something different so I can talk to you again.

I guessed I still assumed stuff.  I kept thinking about assuming, and the questions as separate thoughts I guess.  But I realized that they are correlated.  When I assume something, that’s when I ask the question instead of just admitting what I assume, I should ask the question.  I just realized this, and I’m slow like that.  Sorry.

I hate talking about myself.  I hate randomly talking about myself.  I talked to other people in hopes I gained the experience to finally face you and talk to you better.  I realized that after I had lost contact with you, I gave up talking about myself to other people.  I did for a few days, but after that I gave up.  I hate it.  Maybe I hate talking about myself because I really don’t know myself and I know I’ll contradict myself somehow. And I know I feel awkward when I talk about myself. I like talking in person better.  And I like talking like a little kid online.  I think I annoy you with my facial expression icons, which make me, look like a little kid.  I don’t know why I do that.  I guess it’s because I am a little kid.  Maybe it’s space filler because I don’t like making things really silent.  And I know I have to talk to you very carefully, and sometimes I think I think too much when I talk to you, because since you like honesty I think that you won’t believe my honest opinion so I tell you a lie maybe that you will believe because it sounds more believable thinking that you’ll think that what I said is a lie and think of the opposite.  Basically I think that you think of reverse psychology but maybe it’s me who thinks of reverse psychology but I think it’s what I think after my first thought that makes it reverse psychology, but I do my best to choose my words carefully especially in emails.  It’s hard for me to listen and remember what you say, I don’t know why, maybe there are other thoughts that I think of that blocks the thought I’m supposed to think of when you talk to me to make me think of something that you want me to think of though its blocked because of my other thoughts that I’m thinking of at the same time so I don’t think of what you say to me and it comes up superficial in my mind, mixed with some of the thoughts I’m thinking of and thoughts that you want me to think of and thoughts that I think you want me to think of that is really not what you want me to think of so what you want me to think of goes right over my head or I interpret it different because it’s mixed with other thoughts in my head going on at that time which might also be the reason why I prefer email. Or it could be the lead from the toys in my room that lowers my IQ everyday.

I did not plan to distance myself.  It’s what I called it, because of course it’s what I would do if I want to get over you, right?  And wouldn’t you expect me to do that?  I thought we were still friends.  I know when we’re not, because I can feel the resentment when you’re mad at me, it’s when you just say “hi” to me, but it really felt like we were okay with each other because things looked back to the way they once were a little.  I’d talk to you once in a while so I’d still be a friend, and you can still talk to me since I’m there.   I wish you could’ve just told me that you didn’t want me to see you in buddy chat. I thought we were okay that time, I’ve never had a close friend before you, and I don’t initiate talks.  I would think that if I talked to you, it was only because I liked you that way and I didn’t want you to think that, in addition to that I didn’t want to cause any trouble.  We’d be like regular friends, and eventually we’d drift apart.  I didn’t think you would still want to be my friend that way, as really close friends.  I really wouldn’t mind being a friend on the sidelines though.

I don’t tell you when you hurt me, because it’s my fault for feeling hurt in the first place. I’m the man or male if I’m not manly enough, in this.   I’m supposed to take it, and fix it I think.

I’m trying to figure out why I lie impulsively as well.  I think last week, you were talking to Sophia about me, which triggered my black out, and made me say some things.  I snapped back as soon as I figured you told Sophia some things, but afterwards I felt it was okay for you to do so since that’s what you do, you talk about problems even if it’s meant to ruin another’s reputation.  I don’t talk about people, I try my best not to, but I guess I should after meeting you.  I told Myra and Sophia that we weren’t good friends anymore, and that’s it. You taught me that it’s better to talk about my problems, so I tried, but they didn’t really care.  Maybe it’s only you who’s good to talk to about problems. And I told Jen recently.  She really wants us to be friends again too, and I want to be friends again too, even if we’re not really good friends like your other good friends. I only told them that we’re not friends anymore.  You can tell them the details if they ask or if it bothers you.

I was being obnoxious with all the <33333333 and ^_______^, but I said it anyways because it’s all I felt like saying at the moment.  I knew I made it so obvious, but since you didn’t know me much, I made it look like being happy is all I am. I could have held back, and not be like that, but I couldn’t help it and express myself like that, I’m not someone to hold things in, or at least I try not to hold things in.

I was shy before, I think I’m still shy now, but it really depends on who I’m with.  I think I thought I was shy, and I would enforce it to be liked by you since your boyfriend’s shy, probably because I thought you like shy people.  I brought my old personality of being quiet and shy back from when I was in middle school and my first years in high school.  I’m still shy; I don’t talk out loud in class or whatever, only when I know I can talk.  I talk loud when I read to the class, but when I talk individually people can’t hear me sometimes. I am quiet and loud.  It really all depends on who I’m with.  When I’m around quiet and shy people, I can be myself, which makes me “loud”.  When I’m with intimidating looking people, I get quiet.  It’s how I am.  I am confused as well, because I wish I can be comfortable in every situation I’m in.

I am shy.  I am shy revealing my true self to the world.  I keep a happy mask on.   I remember you said you don't like people like that, but it's just me, and I'm sure later on, the mask will uncover and I can be my true self everywhere with time and experience. I like my happy mask though sometimes because it helps me deal with people and situations. I don’t know, I’m still learning.

I am not an introvert. I tried to be one, but I couldn’t.  My brother can take being alone, and other people can take being alone, but I can’t take being alone.  People are different, but I know I am not an introvert, because I can’t be alone.

You hate me because of tangents I make.  I’ll try to connect them.  I’m not blaming you for anything.  That one time… I guess it was because I wanted to show you that I valued talking to you above doing my homework. Why do you feel that I blame you so much? I don’t.  But it’s my fault for thinking what you’re thinking because what you’re really thinking is not what I’m thinking your thinking is.

I was sarcastic when I said “I don’t think you noticed either” and she said “I didn’t think so too”, but I just let it go anyway.  It was all in the past anyway and it never looked like we’d talk about it again. That and I also felt that you were joking when you said “I don’t think you noticed either”.  It’s something small so it doesn’t matter I guess, so I was like “okay,” after that conversation.

I lied in that I was giving stuff to make people like me.  I did it to avoid further tension and because I just feel like giving stuff out of impulse.  I think it over sometimes, I don’t know why I give stuff out.   I guessed I questioned myself after giving things out.  I second-guessed myself, and I figured it was because I liked the attention?  I don’t know, I wonder what your answer would be if you ask yourself the same question.  It’s really out of impulse.  I’d like to think that there’s a reason, but there isn’t, I just do it.  I thought that I did give stuff out to make people like me, I think I give more stuff out when they do like me, but I gave random stuff out to random people before and I regret it. But sometimes I feel guilty because I know my brother wants things but I don’t give him things.

I’m doing my best to not be shallow or superficial.  Actually, I only fell once really hard to a girl IRL (she was taller than me too), the rest had been online.  But I am shallow and superficial.  I laugh at racist jokes, and I laugh at things that I see that look funny.

I feel nervous when I talk to you because I think that you think that I’m only talking to you because I like you that way.

I have friends, but I never keep any so close.  I don’t talk my soul out to a one friend in a daily basis. I would like to, but I think I have trust issues as well.  I’m afraid that if I open myself too much, I won’t sound real.

I am not satisfied when you’re angry at me.  I’d rather be in your presence than have you angry at me.  You’re angry at me, and I really don’t want you to be angry, and I think the only way is to apologize, and I’ll do my best to make it up, I was trying but I messed up again, but I really don’t mean it and I’m willing to make up for it.

I feel like things that I do are too good to be true sometimes, so I make up a lie to make them not be so true.  Maybe that makes me confused too.

I’m sarcastically stupid.  I mean things like sonny’s cuckoo for cocoa puffs and when you said that you thought that I didn’t know that you knew I liked you back then but I didn’t say anything afterwards. And that Obama thing… I didn’t read about Obama, you’re supposed to laugh a little.  But I told you already that I can’t make you laugh but I guess I tried.

I don’t believe in the Zodiac, but I laugh at how it gets all the traits humans have in common, and changes it up with each sign.  And then, it fills in the remaining signs with moon, rising, etc. with the ones it does not mention.  That’s how I think it is, but its funny how things turned up and such. I have fun comparing it to people. It’s a conversation starter for me.  First thing I usually ask someone is their birth date.  And BTW your moon sign is Gemini, it says the first thing the moon sign in Gemini people do is talk things out if you moon Gemini people have a problem and it’s so true, so I find that interesting, because it looks like you talk things out too.

I remember I said that everything I said to you was a lie.  I think it’s because I’m not confident with what I say.  I’m so vague in my descriptions.  I do things, and hope that you understand, but it’s all my fault.

It’s obviously my fault for trying to see your reaction in things. I know the limit now though.  I never said directly that we shouldn’t be friends anymore; it just came out of embarrassment that time, when you blocked me.  I try out different things a lot, and I damage my image this way, as well as my relationships with others.  I’m not sure what it is. I don’t think its curiosity.  I’m a victim of my own test… I think I would do stuff to see if you’d still like me as a friend if I did bad stuff I guess. No one wants a bad friend though.  I can’t repair what I did, but I really hope that you understand that I miss you. I never had a friend like you.

I get annoyed with myself as well, because I keep thinking that you might like me back that way.  I know you don’t and I’m doing my best to convince myself that you never will. It’s my fault.  I guess I’m too excited all the time. I would understand why you wouldn’t like me; I probably wouldn’t even like myself.

Anyways, I’ll think more, I know I have good memory and I’ll try to think up something that you may think I lied in.

I can’t help but get the feeling… that if I can’t even revive this, then I’ll never change. It’s my fault.  I’ve said things I shouldn’t have said. I continue to do so, and I probably will.  I mean what I say though; I told you before that I’m an impulsive liar.

If I can’t talk to you and if I can’t revive this friendship, I’ll contradict the statement I said about being friends forever, and I know you don’t like my contradictions.  That and that you’re one of the best friends I ever had.  I don’t open up to anyone really.  I try to, but even then it’s not even considered opening up since you didn’t even consider me opening up to you.  I’ve been trying ever since I met you to open up to people, and no one even cares.  I guess I bothered you by talking to you when you were away and then I guess I ran away because I thought you were really away but I waited until you unaway’d but I couldn’t wait because I’m impatient and I’m sorry I didn’t mean to just say hi and run away. I thought I was leaving a message, like how people do to phones but it shouldn’t matter because I didn’t return people’s calls either before.

Thank you for reading.  I know it won’t change your frustration.  But I can see why.  I don’t expect you to ever open up to me again. I don’t mind if you don’t. But I really don’t want you to be angry at me, or feel any anger and disappointment.  I don’t understand you, and you don’t understand me. But I’m trying my best and I won’t run away even if you’re away already.

-Jas

PS- Yesterday in the library while I was studying, I wrote notes on my thoughts.  It’s not what I want to say, but I’ll record it here:

Who the hell told you I like you coz you’re happy all the time.

I’ll keep giving you stuff so I won’t create that inconsistency that you don’t want. You only said that you’re not going to talk to me. I’m allowed to assume, right? You’re trying to create inconsistencies out of me, right? You’re trying to make me a hypocrite, right?  You’re not talking to me.  So I guess its okay to assume.  I’m trying to connect the pieces.

I’m not giving up.  You think I was mad at you?  I am probably a little kid.  I am a little kid.  You can treat me like a little kid.  Or maybe, I’m a little girl.  I always wanted to be your friend.  I meant to make you hate me because I was screaming for attention.  Or I missed the attention. I know you don’t like losing friends.  We’re not friends but I know you don’t like losing people you used to know.

I really don’t want to hurt you though. But I know by just saying “lie” hurts you. My expressions are much more obvious in person really. It just doesn’t work online and I have to learn how to make it seem less harsh or whatever.

Yet, though you may seem so miserable, you stand strong.  You are still so fucking nice.  How much more nice would you be if you had the necessities?  That is why I believe you are genuine.  I never told you all this, my assumptions about you, because it’s an assumption, and I don’t know how to start conversations like these. I may be in denial.  Ignorance is bliss after all.

I still feel like everything I said is a lie, even though it’s not.  Maybe it’s because this is directed to you, who I know loses trust very easily after a lie, with my first true lie as moving on (first gay thing doesn’t count because it was all reverse psychology that shouldn’t be considered as lying since it’s obvious that you should get but you didn’t know me well then)

Thank you for bearing with this email.  I probably repeated a lot of things; I got lost in it a couple of times. Thank you for putting up with me for seven months.  Thank you for teaching me about love and friendship.  Thank you for opening up to me. Thank you for teaching me about myself. Thank you for making me a better writer (I think I improved after writing these kinds of stuff).

I’m sorry. I’ve been told that I haven’t lived life if I did not follow my heart.  So I’ve decided to live by following my heart. And I’m following my brain a little too. Actually everything is all from the little part of my brain I think. Yeah probably is from my brain since I think I’m a bad person.  Or I am a bad person.  I don’t know anymore.

You’ll never understand me, and you’ll never know me.

my fortress.

The only reason why I changed to other people was practice so I can face you. Now that you're gone, I'm going back to my old self.

I was so excited when I did what you told me to, for others.  Because I thought it was one step closer to that change you were looking for.

Now when I do it, I feel so insecure, that I don't want to do it anymore.  I lost my motivation, now that you're gone.

So, I'll go back to the way I used to be.  I'll go back.

I'll open the door to my fortress, and stay there.  I won't just be standing there and sitting there.  I'll work, I'll make the building stronger, and harder to get through. Longer vertically to make it more difficult for people to climb up. Cement the sides so people can't dig in, and go through a hole from the inside.  I'll seal the windows with more concrete.

I am.

But the door remains unlocked.

-

Yesterday in the library while I was studying, I wrote notes on my thoughts.  It's not what I want to say, but I'll record it here:

Who the hell told you I like you coz you're happy all the time.

You may not realized it, but you said a lot about yourself to me during our time.  So I'm sure that I know you as well as I think I know you I think.

If I loved you, if you are what my idea of you is, then I have no regrets.

I'll keep giving you stuff so I won't create that inconsistency that you don't want. You only said that you're not going to talk to me.

I'm allowed to assume, right? You're trying to create inconsistencies out of me, right? You're trying to make me a hypocrite, right?  You're not talking to me.  So I guess it's okay to assume.  I'm trying to connect the pieces, and you get one big assumption.

I'm not giving up.  You think I was mad at you?  I am probably a little kid.  I am a little kid.  You can treat me like a little kid.  Or maybe, I'm a little girl.  I always wanted to be your friend.  I meant to make you hate me because I was screaming for attention.  I meant to kill off any feelings you had for me if you did, and I wanted to kill those feelings from me thinking that it won't hurt so much if I did that but it didn't work. I tried to make you hate me, and maybe if you hated me, I wouldn't love you anymore.  But I was wrong.  I never wanted to say goodbye that time.  What I meant by that was to not like you that way anymore, and I chose to move on.

I know how to hurt you, by saying I lied.  But I won't do that anymore because it creates confusion.

You are unappreciated.  Your family's attention on your brother.  You're boyfriend doesn't even want to look at you.  You feel inferior to your friend because you do not have that job yet.  You're dad abused you.  You lost a lot of friendships in the past.  I won't let this be one of those friendships, I'm determined, and it's my life's goal.  Either fix it, or live miserably for the rest of my life.  And if I keep failing, at least I know that I loved.  I wanted to quote what my cousin said to me, but he talked to fast that I couldn't record it, and he forgot what he said.  It was something among the lines of "if you don't feel your heart, you're not living your life."  And I won't live my life feeling miserable.

Yet, though you may seem so miserable, you stand strong.  You are still so fucking nice.  How much more nice would you be if you had the necessities?  That is why I believe you are genuine.  I never told you all this, my assumptions about you, because it's an assumption, and I don't know how to start conversations like these.

I may be in denial.  Ignorance is bliss after all.

Your friend (some word I can't read, my handwriting sucks) you then.  But unlike you, I won't let that happen.  We're both hella emotional.

(And then I wrote her names several times in cursive all over the page)

I like how Dr. Levine worded loving someone as "worth your emotional investment."

And I also wrote notes to myself regarding my career.  I was thinking about being a medical researcher, and then I though that there will always be side affects in medicine that will be discovered a few years later, that makes it more harmful.  My thoughts: let it be.

-

Just thought of something.. it's like dealing with her is a reflection with how I deal with myself.  I keep telling myself I'd change, but in the end, I fail.  I kept telling her I'd change, but in the end, I failed. What a correlation.  But the only difference, I put my heart out to her.  With or without a heart, I fail either way.

-

I play it in my head. Talking to her friend:

???: WHY ARE YOU GIVING HER STUFF. FUCKING CHRIST.

me:  I don't want to be inconsistent. She wants consistency.

???: JESUS CHRIST FUCKING CHRIST WTF ARE YOU DOING.

me:  she's contradicting herself then.  and she's pushing me to be contradictory.  I won't lose.

???: WTFFFFFF LOL.. just LOL WTF I DON't KNOW YOU BUT I'LL LECTURE YOU ON LIFE YOU LITTLE KID, YOU CAN'T DO SHIT LIKE THIS IN REAL LIFE, BUT I DON'T KNOW YOU, I KNOW YOU FAIL IN REAL LIFE THOUGH BECAUSE I HEARD THAT YOU FAIL YOU FAILING FAILURE

me: she said "good luck with future endeavors."  This is the future, and I won't let her wish of luck fail!

???: OMFG WTF

me: (I just know I know her as much as I think I know her, and I think I know her well enough)

Quick shock.  I think I know her, information about her is emitting from my heart, what she's like is emitting from my heart.  And it's natural because most humans are like her.  But it's still just from my heart, it's not a proven theory.  But what if it's all false?  I already said ignorance is bliss, and I have to follow my heart to live.  If I don't know her... then I fail and can move on.

"I don't need more time.  i just want more of that feeling of pressure an hour before it's due." Regarding school work.

Apology update

Hi!  First I would like to thank you for checking your trash bin.  It makes me happy because it shows that you genuinely care. And I believe that you do.

I’m willing to talk to you, but I don’t know how it’ll work.  I’ll email it to you so I won’t be interrupted I guess... that and because I have no other way to contact you.

I’ve been thinking about what approach I would go with.  Getting angry with you certainly did not bring you out, and you won’t believe even if I tell you the honest truth.  So, I’ll do it by admitting to what I think I did wrong, to verify what I think I did wrong, and I’ll try to figure out myself, because maybe if I understand myself, you can understand me. I don’t know, I’ll try, and here it goes.

I’m trying to figure out why I lie impulsively as well.  I think last week, you were talking to Sophia about me, which triggered my black out, and made me say some things.  Sorry won’t do it, but I’m really trying to capsule up my wrongdoings and incinerate it forever.

I’ve made quite a few contradictions.  My impulsive lying has gone too far.  You lost complete trust in me.  I did not lose complete trust in you.  You don’t accept apologies.  You’ve given me chances.  I can admit to as much as I want, but it won’t change anything.  I can apologize all I want, but it won’t change a thing.

You might feel that I don’t know you.  And you may think that I don’t know you.  But it’s been almost a year, and I think I know you. I see you as someone trying her best to be the best person she can possibly be.  You stand up to what you think is right.  You do your best to believe in what you think.

I was being obnoxious with all the <33333333 and ^_______^, but I said it anyways because it’s all I felt like saying at the moment.  I knew I made it so obvious, but since you didn’t know me much, I made it look like being happy is all I am. I could have held back, and not be like that, but I couldn’t help it and express myself like that, I’m not someone to hold things in, or at least I try not to hold things in.

I was shy before, I think I’m still shy now, but it really depends on who I’m with.  I think I thought I was shy, and I would enforce it to be liked by you since your boyfriend’s shy, probably because I thought you like shy people.

You hate me because of tangents I make.  I’ll try to connect them.  I’m not blaming you for anything.  That one time… I guess it was because I wanted to show you that I valued talking to you above doing my homework. Why do you feel that I blame you so much?

I was sarcastic when I said “I don’t think you noticed either” and she said “I didn’t think so too”, but I just let it go anyway.  It was all in the past anyway and it never looked like we’d talk about it again.

I lied in that I was giving stuff to make people like me.  I did it to avoid further tension and because I just feel like giving stuff out of impulse.  I think it over some times, I don’t know why I give stuff out.   It’s really out of impulse.  I’d like to think that there’s a reason, but there isn’t, I just do it.  I thought that I did give stuff out to make people like me, I think I give more stuff out when they do like me, but I gave random stuff out to random people before and I regret it. But sometimes I feel guilty because I know my brother wants things but I don’t give him things.

The hate mail was impulsive at first, but I planned out the timing of sending it.  Without reading it over, I sent it but I was thinking whether to send it or not.  It was something new, and I tried it out as a reversed psychology affect.  I failed to do so, because it’s still a lie.

I’m doing my best to not be shallow or superficial.  Actually, I only fell once really hard to a girl IRL (she was taller than me too), the rest had been online.  But I am shallow and superficial.  I laugh at racist jokes, and I walk away from stinky people.

I did not plan to distance myself.  It’s what I called it.  I thought we were still friends.  I’d talk to you once in a while so I’d still be your friend, and you can still talk to me since I’m there.   I wish you could’ve just told me that you didn’t want me to see you in buddy chat. I thought we were okay that time, I’ve never had a close friend before you, and I don’t initiate talks.  I didn’t think you would still want to be my friend that way.  I really wouldn’t mind being a friend on the sidelines though.

I feel nervous when I talk to you because I think that you think that I’m only talking to you because I like you that way.

I have friends, but I never keep any so close.  I don’t talk my soul out to a one friend in a daily basis. I would like to, but I think I have trust issues as well.  I’m afraid that if I open myself too much, I won’t sound real.

I don’t talk about people, I try my best not to, but I guess I should after meeting you.  I told Myra and Sophia that we weren’t good friends anymore, and that’s it. You taught me that it’s better to talk about my problems, so I tried, but they didn’t really care.  Maybe it’s only you who’s good to talk to about problems. And I told Jen recently.  She really wants us to be friends again too, and I want to be friends again too, even if we’re not really good friends like your other good friends.

I am not an introvert. I tried to be one, but I couldn’t.  My brother can take being alone, and other people can take being alone, but I can’t take being alone.  People are different, but I know I am not an introvert, because I can’t be alone.

I am quiet and loud.  It really all depends on who I’m with.  When I’m around quiet and shy people, I can be myself, which makes me “loud”.  When I’m with intimidating looking people, I get quiet.  It’s how I am.  I am confused as well, because I wish I can be comfortable in every situation I’m in.

I am shy.  I am shy revealing my true self to the world.  I keep a happy mask on.   I remember you said you don't like people like that, but it's just me, and I'm sure later on, the mask will uncover and I can be my true self everywhere with time and experience.

I am not satisfied when you’re angry at me.  I’d rather be in your presence than have you angry at me.  You’re angry at me, and I really don’t want you to be angry, and I think the only way is to apologize, and I’ll do my best to make it up, I was trying but I messed up again, but I really don’t mean it and I’m willing to make up for it.

I feel like things that I do are too good to be true sometimes, so I make up a lie to make them not be so true.  Maybe that makes me confused too.

I’m sarcastically stupid.  I mean things like sonny’s cuckoo for cocoa puffs and when you said that you thought that I didn’t know that you knew I liked you back then but I didn’t say anything afterwards. And that Obama thing… I didn’t read about Obama, you’re supposed to laugh a little.  But I told you already that I can’t make you laugh but I guess I tried.

I don’t believe in the Zodiac, but I laugh at how it gets all the traits humans have in common, and changes it up with each sign.  And then, it fills in the remaining signs with moon, rising, etc. with the ones it does not mention.  That’s how I think it is, but its funny how things turned up and such. I have fun comparing it to people. It’s a conversation starter for me.  First thing I usually ask someone is their birth date.

I remember I said that everything I said to you was a lie.  I think it’s because I’m not confident with what I say.  I’m so vague in my descriptions.  I do things, and hope that you understand, but it’s all my fault.

It’s obviously my fault for trying to see your reaction in things. I know the limit now though.  I never said directly that we shouldn’t be friends anymore; it just came out of embarrassment that time, when you blocked me.  I try out different things a lot, and I damage my image this way, as well as my relationships with others.  I’m not sure what it is. I don’t think its curiosity.  I’m a victim of my own test… I think I would do stuff to see if you’d still like me as a friend if I did bad stuff I guess. No one wants a bad friend though.  I can’t repair what I did, but I really hope that you understand that I miss you. I never had a friend like you.

I think I annoy you with my facial expression icons, which make me, look like a little kid.  I don’t know why I do that.  I guess it’s because I am a little kid.  Maybe it’s space filler because I don’t like making things really silent.

I didn’t want to end the friendship that time.  I didn’t mean to, it just came out of embarrassment.  But you left, and I was sad, so I let it go but I emailed you back right after but you didn’t get the email.

I get annoyed with myself as well, because I keep thinking that you might like me back that way.  I know you don’t and I’m doing my best to convince myself that you never will. It’s my fault.  I guess I’m too excited all the time. I would understand why you wouldn’t like me, because I don’t even like myself.

Anyways, I’ll think more, I know I have good memory and I’ll try to think up something that you may think I lied in.

I can’t help but get the feeling… that if I can’t even revive this, then I’ll never change. It’s my fault.  I’ve said things I shouldn’t have said. I continue to do so, and I probably will.  I mean what I say though; I told you before that I’m an impulsive liar.

Enough about me.  Why do I want to be your friend? I’m sorry, but it’s for my own gain.  I want to be completely honest with people.  If I were to be blunt: please help me.  If I can’t talk to you and if I can’t revive this friendship, I’ll contradict the statement I said about being friends forever, and I know you don’t like my contradictions.  That and that you’re one of the best friends I ever had.  I don’t open up to anyone really.  I try to, but even then it’s not even considered opening up since you didn’t even consider me opening up to you.  I’ve been trying ever since I met you to open up to people, and no one even cares.  I guess I bothered you by talking to you when you were away and then I guess I ran away because I thought you were really away but I waited until you unaway’d but I couldn’t wait because I’m impatient and I’m sorry I didn’t mean to just say hi and run away.

Thank you for reading.  I know it won’t change your frustration.  But I can see why.  I don’t expect you to ever open up to me again. I don’t mind if you don’t. But I really don’t want you to be angry at me, or feel any anger and disappointment.  I don’t understand you, and you don’t understand me. But I’m trying my best and I won’t run away even if you’re away already.

-Jas

wish i was hella sad atm.

I'm done with these fucking masks.

I put out a fucking optimistic persona to not affect other people.

I put out a serious persona to show that I'm a hard worker and that I want to get my job done.

But deep inside I want to fucking stay home, go under my blankets, and never wake up.

I want to cry.  I want to hit rock bottom.  No, core bottom where I can get burned to ashes too.  I don't care.  I want to hit it.  I want to be honest.  I can only be honest when I'm in my saddest phase.  Who the fuck am I.  Why the fuck do I do what I do.

In all honestly, I love my assumptions about her. She's right.  I love my idea about her.  I'm fucking shy.  Why the hell can't I interrogate information out of her?  Why the fuck am I blaming her unhappiness on myself?

I want to know more about her.  But I can't.  Because she's away.  WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LEAVE ME.  WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU BELIEVE ME. I fucking love you... what the hell.

No, I won't be vulnerable.  I'm a fucking little kid.  WHAT THE HELL MAKES AN ADULT?!?!

I held on to it because I believed in it.

She provided me with stability. A structured life.  Is that why I loved her?

No.

Something intrigues me.

Her actions. I don't talk to her, but it's her actions. Is it her sensitivity?

I'm racking my brains out trying to figure this one out... and I will.  I believe I will.  Compared to that bitch, I'm proud of her, and I want her to be in my life.

Let it Be.

Oh fuck that song.

-

I am depressed.  No one can decipher from my face that I am really depressed.  They think I'm playing around because I'm always laughing and smiling with them.  And when I have that face on, I look like I'm playing around.  That sad, melancholic expression I use for playing around is the same I use for depression. I'm thinking ahead if its true, but it probably won't be, but I'll assume it is.  Thus a contradiction is produced.  Is that what it is?

I don't want to be.  But I am fucking optimistic and upbeat.

no.

I have a lot of ammendments to make.

I'm sucking up way too much.

But what if it doesn't work?

Then I'll continue to be a liar if it does.

At least I go down in honesty!

"If you don't want a sarcastic answer, then don't ask a stupid question!"

something I haven't told her.

#1 Take Risks

#2 Don't take Stupid risks

#3 Follow number 2 before number 1

=_=

I don't know what it is, but there's something wrong.

There's a depression I love so much about her, which is probably why I love her so much.

She's inferior to her brother.  Her family is turned by her brother. He's getting more attention than he is.  She's jealous of him. He still attends a University, while she hasn't graduated yet.

Her boyfriend is online.  He doesn't even want to see her, and he doesn't even have the balls to speak or webcam chat with her. How does she feel about that?  She didn't even call it a relationship... she didn't even say she loves him so much.

Her friends are not really her friends.  She's so sensitive to the point where she shuts herself off from them. She does this to find out who her real friends are.

She picks on little things so often. Even things from the past...

Yet she still manages to put a fake smile.  It has to be fake.  The world is turning, and she hasn't turned with it... it has to be fake.  She's opinionated... who's on her side?  Her best friend is superior in terms of finance and support.

I'm not giving up.  She needs me.  I know I can provide the comfort no one else can... I haven't been showing it because I haven't really met her.  It's strange.  I'm being pulled in.  I'm conscious too. I love her. She definitely needs hugs. Or my bear hug.

No, I have it all wrong.  There are hidden things that I don't understand that can't be painted in a picture.

Entering private territory is fun. And dammit I miss her!

those memories.

We met.

We hung out.

We became friends.

I was told I was being annoying, thus I "ran away."

We made up, she got mad at me again.  "I lied"?  I apologized.

We were friends again.  We became really close.  She got annoyed in between, but we were getting closer to become better friends.

I still liked her, she got mad.  When I moved on, she got mad again.

I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to see if she liked me back again.  It backfired, her card's in reverse.

I apologized.  We were in contact again.

She didn't talk to me, I only had to talk to her.

I was confused, I talked to her again, she got mad because I wasn't talking to her.

We made up, we were friends for a bit.

She got mad again, because I wasn't really talking "to" her.

We made up again.  I talked "at" her.

She wants me to talk to her.  She's fed up, and she leaves me.

My friendships hurt in this process:  C, C, C, M, M, M, M, A, B, S

Friendships gain:  None

Loses:  Grades went down, faith in love and friendship went down, confidence went down, Time loss, thoughts loss

Gains:  Death to superficiality.  Talking.  Thinking about someone for motivation.  Doing things for her. Confronting with ease. Learned to not talk about myself (only when asked or if I want to start something)

Thus, I begin another isolation phase.

Love Saga II, case closed.

-

We'll meet again. And hopefully I'll be ready to be the better friend.   My feelings and dignity will only grow stronger with time, and time apart.

I tried my best to change for her.  But I guess I can't change, because maybe I didn't love her that much.  I'll always be myself.  And I'm happy with myself.  I think.

No, I do love her that much, I just couldn't change even though I thought I did, but it didn't appear so to her.

I realized that I only fell in love once IRL.  The rest had been online.

I'm over her.

No I'm not.

But I can be.

Do I want to be?

Yes I do want to be.

But I probably won't be.

No I don't want to be.

Why would I miss a perfect future?

But it might not be a perfect future.

Yes it would be.

I know it would be.

I feel it would be.

But it's not going to be, so I should give up.

There's hope.

No, hope failed me so many times.

But that's the point of hope.

To believe that things will happen.

That's running away from hope.

What do I do?

Go with the flow, maybe I'll forget about her and someone else will come to my life.

There are multiple "ones" after all.

It takes a long time for me to feel that way though, I'm so attached.

Will I fall out of love with the other one?

No I won't.

Yes I will.

It'll be different.

Maybe I just didn't try hard enough.

I don't know, I guess...

I should try harder.

To do what?

To show that I like her?

She doesn't want that.

Just do what she says...

but what can I do to do what I say?

I'll be a robot if I'm like that.

Just do what she says.  Be calm.

Don't act like a pansy.  Maybe that's what she doesn't want.

We'll be together.

Eventually.

Give it time for now.

Something will happen between us.

It's never the end.

Its a never ending story.

Too bad, you crossed paths with The Jason.

-

I'm afraid, that if I move on, I wouldn't want to be your friend anymore.

I'm afraid that I'll fall for you again.

I'm afraid that I might be your friend only because I like you that way.

Why is it so hard to be honest?

I get confused with those feelings, and my natural feelings. They conflict, and you get a contradictory person.

Ugh.  Time apart, time apart is what we need.

I'm glad she's taken the bad memories with me with her.  It would've hurt if she took the good ones. She wasn't hurt, therefore I assume she took the bad memories.

thoughts of today.

Okay, what the hell.

When I'm silent, but not telling her what's wrong with me, she gets mad.  I'm NOT TALKING FOR A REASON.

Then when I tell her WHY I'm mad she gets friggin mad to the point to block me.  What the hell.

Then when I'm moving on, SHE FRIGGIN TELLS ME TO BE HER BEST FRIEND then maybe something will happen.  WHAT THE FUCK.

-

Anyways, I'll teach her what true love is about. BUAHAHAHAHA. I know her.  And if I knew her well enough, I'd know, or feel to know what she really wants.   She's disappointed in me. We're friends forever.  I won't let this contradiction be a contradiction.FOR HER SAKE.

Or it's probably my sake.  I don't know, whatever.  I just know that I can stand this test of time.

There was something else... oh yeah, and I'm the man in this thing so I have to fix anything.  The stupid fucking man in this shit =_=

"I realized... the moments I miss the most were never even real."- Postsecret post

-

And then I realized, I can't construct the email I want to, because I lost faith in even myself.  How can I write an honest email, and how can I write honestly, if I'm not ALL good.  How come I can't feel it?

I hate getting into arguments.  They're stupid. Just leave everything as it is.  Let it be. Why did she have to get so angry?  Why couldn't she let it be?

I don't believe in friendship, and I never will. Friendship is stupid.

broke up with my future girlfriend.

I don't trust or believe in my own friends anymore... at least, what they say.  I was talking to my little SF friend about her, and she would ignore me about bits of questions I would ask her.  What kind of friend ignores me?  After she said that I can talk to her?  No one's on my side, perhaps it's because I keep things to myself way too often.  They're both talking about me now, and I believe that she won't say anything about her because she respect's her privacy, though it shouldn't be private when she talks to me as a friend. Oh well, that's that, I'm not talking about myself to friends anymore, it makes me feel awkward. I'm better off blogging about it.

I suspect myself of pushing it too far with the sarcasm.  I better tone it down a little and be more consistent with my persona, though sarcasm is what makes me enjoy conversations.  Regular conversations are just so dull without any spice and psychological turbulence. So I guess I won't change.

Our definitions of friendship differ.  I see it as something you can take with you til the end, and still be able to kick it through thick and thin.  It's not like that in her case. She wants me to talk about something, so she can get superficial details about it?  You can't be quiet all the time.  You can't be shy all the time.  You can't be loud all the time.  Why does she think that if I'm quiet, I'm quiet everywhere I go?  She's more shallow than me. She doesn't have that skepticism I have when I'm with other people. She sees shallow details and keeps it with her to attack them when they "betray" her with their words.  To attack "lies."

And the word "lies" is just a label.  She never took and learned the concept why I do what I do.  She thought about it, thought she can't trust me, and ran away from it.

But I guess it's so much hurt.  I'm glad that people you love the most, hurt you the most.  She's digging herself in a deeper grave.  She's hurt by me, because she loves me in a weird kind of way.

Should I attack when I'm attacked?  I say stupid impulsive things so they won't attack me anymore, but I can truly be an asshole if I'm fed up with it.  If I want to end things permanently, which I most likely won't do.

... false hope was the worst thing she did to me.

Take advantage of their intellect, not their kindness.

"A label adds nothing to our understanding."- Dr. Ledbetter

Something to think about when I read about stuff.  It's amazing how quotes intrigues me to correlate it with living.  From now on, I'll see how firmly this quote stands.

Anyhoo, we've been told that we don't read much, and that we should read beyond our courses.  That's what I'm going to do.  Shift my interests to what I really want.  I'm getting old, and so I have to make the most of it.  I've been told to do what I want, but what I should be telling myself is what can I do to satisfy what I like?

I'm done with love.  It's there, and it's not there.  Today's Simpsons episode reminded me of how people fall for someone, and how they see their potential significant other as "the one.  "There are several ones, and normal friends would see their love hopeless friend's potential significant other as all the same as the rest.  I'm trying to correlate it with my experiences, and now, I'm done.  I won't try to love, from now on I'll make myself worthy of being loved, by following what I believe in. This approach will be different, but it's what I feel,and I think should be.

I've been talking to my friend Daniel, and I've been referred to so many News sites.  I'll list them later, as I have to read my chapter 20 on Antimicrobial Drugs.

moon saggitarius.

Dammit, it's fucking useless talking about myself to others if its not her =_=

They don't fucking care. Her moon sign is a friggin Gemini. She cares because she's her.

Just get to work.  Stop thinking, and get to work.  Once I get to work, I can get thinking.

"I am not going to adapt."

What the hell does that mean. Ugh. She said that I'm not willing to change, and she won't adapt.  She won't adapt to me now, but she would if I change?  I said I'd change, but it won't work, because I'm not talking to her.  How can she see the change, she won't believe anything I say.  Why the hell am I so obsessive.  I know any problem can be solved.  I need to think harder... I'm not giving up.

How do I admit to reverse psychology?

How do I admit that I was testing her if she was really my friend?

Why the hell do I not admit anything?

Why the hell do I admit truths as lies?

I wish I never emailed her.  Because I would send the first real email I ever wrote to her.  I was so honest and confident with it, and I said everything I wanted to say.  It gets harder to fix things the more I break it.  Usually people would replace others... but I won't.  Even my tangible belongings, I keep them forever.  They have patches, but in my heart, they are what they are and were.

-

"I'm fed up with you."

If she was blunt, that's what she would've said.  Why did I have to care so much about my ego? We naturally care about ourselves.  I wish I didn't.  I hate nature.

I think I get it now.  I'll give it some space, then come back later.

I don't think I can change.  I only talked to people so I can get experience to talk to her.  Now that she's gone, talking about myself only makes me feel awkward and weak.

Deep down

Deep down inside I feel that I'm right and she's wrong, but it's just opinion.  It still happened, so even if I'm right I'm still the loser.

Deep down inside I feel that I am the most judgemental person on Earth.  I do my best to hide it.  Why?  I am a hypocrite as well.  Because it's stupid, and I don't rule other people's lives.

Deep down inside, I don't believe in true love or friendship.  I lost all faith in it.

Deep down inside, I don't want to change, but I want to change bad habits of mine.  I don't want to change my personality.

I thought of a random quote.  "As a kid, I was always told to think about my future.  But I was never told to think about how early on into the future.  I thought of death."

I just thought of something.

It appears as if she's read what I wrote.

She didn't respond, but she didn't delete it as soon as she saw it.

I'm happy.  That she listened.

If I fail at this, I'll fail to the very end.  If I give up, I'll be depressed for the rest of my life.

I'll end up like them if I just my answers by just talking to them.  They say things that they might not mean too.  But I know they're honest, there's just much more than a simple feeling and execution of honesty.   It dates back to the origin of man.  What people are like basically.  They're trying to be honest.  They are honest.  There are so much factors coming into play.

But it all comes to that, I know, and I feel that if I try harder somehow, I can make it work.  It's me.

I feel awkward talking about myself.  But I'll do it if it's related to her.

putting my rising sign to use.

YOU gave me several chances.  I know I blew them all away.  But if you were truly my friend in the beginning the chances would be endless.  What kind of friend are you?  You only pick the people who are valuable to YOU; therefore you care about only YOURSELF.

I’m not trying to change your views on friendship, but I’m just sharing you one of my views.

The reason why you blocked me is because I won’t change, and I lie?  I can’t believe you’re so dense to only read and feel these words I write.  If you really want to know the TRUTH you would be my friend, and analyze what we do along the way.  YOU just gave up, you and your superficial self.

Our relationship may be frustrating.  It’s my fault, how I act and how I write.  But if you really wanted to know me, you would help me.  The way I see you, is that you wait for me to talk to you only to see if I really want to talk to you or not.

YOU ARE NOT SENSITIVE TO OTHER PEOPLE’s feelings.  You are only sensitive to yourself. That's why I said you only care about yourself too.  I see you as someone as once you get mad at someone; you’d never change your opinion because of how they act towards you. There are assholes like that.  I am probably like that, but we’re all trying to learn how to place ourselves in this world.  We have to deal with everyone no matter what. You’re doing nursing, right?

Both my parents are nurses and they deal with people they don’t like all the time, for 20+ years.  You can’t even deal with me for 4 months.  And you don’t even talk to me everyday.  How much more when you face lazy CNAs you have to work with 3 days a week for the next 40 years?

This email will have no affect whether you will change your mind or not.  I am just telling you this out of what I think.  I hope you respond, because I want to know your thoughts as well.

I miss you sincerely.  You gave up on me, but I miss you so much.  I can’t change all at once.  I am who I am, it takes time.  Please be patient if you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.

and Happy mother's day.  I had a mocha roll.  If it helps, I marinated it in bitter depths of hell in a coffee cup, because I didn' t think I deserve the sweet taste.

Lies and contradictions, and admitting to sarcasm:

I knew I was being obnoxious with all the <33333333 and ^_______^, but I said it anyways because it's all I felt like saying at the moment.  I knew I made it so obvious, but since you didn't know me much, I made it look like being happy is all I am. I could have held back, and not be like that, but I couldn't help it and express myself like that, I'm not someone to hold things in, or at least I try not to hold things in.

I was shy before, I think I'm still shy now, but it really depends on who I'm with.  I think I thought I was shy, and I would enforce it to be liked by you since your boyfriend's shy, probably because I thought you like shy people.

I was sarcastic when I said "I don't think you noticed either" and she said "I didn't think so too", but I just let it go anyway.  It was all in the past anyway and it never looked like we'd talk about it again.

I lied in that I was giving stuff to make people like me.  I did it to avoid further tension and because I just feel like giving stuff out of impulse.  But sometimes I feel guilty because I know my brother wants things but I don't give him things.

The hate mail was impulsive at first, but I planned out the timing of sending it.  Without reading it over, I sent it but I was thinking whether to send it or not.

It's my fault for trying to see your reaction in things. I know the limit now though.

I'm shallow, and superficial.  But it really is dying down fast after meeting you.

I feel nervous when I talk to you because I think that you think that I'm only talking to you because I like you that way.

I want to talk to you.

I have friends, but I never keep any so close.  I don't talk my soul out to a one friend in a daily basis. I would like to, but I think I have trust issues as well.  I'm afraid that if I open myself too much, I won't sound real.

I am not an introvert. I tried to be one, but I couldn't.

I am satisfied with just your presence.  But I am not satisfied when you're angry at me.  I'd rather be in your presence than have you angry at me.

I feel like things that I do are too good to be true sometimes, so I make up a lie to make them not be so true.  Maybe that makes me confused too.

I'm sarcastically stupid.  I mean things like sonny's cuckoo for cocoa puffs and when you said that you thought that I didn't know that you knew I liked you back then but I didn't say anything afterwords. And that Obama thing... I didn't read about Obama, you're supposed to laugh a little.  But I told you already that I can't make you laugh but I guess I tried.

Anyways, I'll think more, I know I have good memory and I'll try to think up somethings that you may think I lied in or whatever.

-

I agree with you that actions speak louder than words.  But why are you just reading these words? Why can't you see that I'm trying?  Why don't you talk to me?  I want to meet you, so you'll have a better understanding of me.  Because I know that I can be a good friend to you.

It's not over. It's only over when I feel that it's over.  Sorry, but I'm the fucking horse in this zodiac.

its been one month since His death.

Yesterday I went to see Iron Man 2 with Caroline and her friend Hwang.  Good movie, and I like hanging out with Caroline. I think she's my true best friend.  I need to show more appreciation toward her.  I'll let her borrow the first Iron Man movie because my dad has it, I don't think he'll mind if she does... or we can watch it together.  I also told her I can accompany her if she doesn't want to be lonely during a drive since I live like a street away. Oh and I have to pay her back because she paid for me.

Talked to Chris, his pastor is Psychic.  Or is it all just regular knowledge one can just learn?  Either way, I have to do better with my friends.  It takes work.

I got into another argument with another online friend.  I have to be more careful, but I really do blame her, if she's going to do something, do it, don't say you forgot damn it!  I think I have a right to be angry.  I was looking forward to it, but she let me down.

I hope to visit grandpa today.  Either way, dying and seeing him, or just visiting him in the memorial park.

god's eye.

I hated her so much at that moment.  I hated both of them.  I felt more distant, and misunderstood.  I tried to show her that my actions spoke louder than my words.  I would say that I'm not her friend, yet I'd be trying to talk to her.  I'm shy, yet I even spoke to them.  I don't talk about myself, yet I said little things about myself.  I say I'm very thrifty with my money, but still I gave them stuff. How come she doesn't see this?

I'll deduce.  I think it's because she doesn't see it because she's not looking for it.  She wants me to do something else, so she's clouded with that expectation.  But that's okay, it just means that I am not what I thought I was, and I have to work harder... or think it over.  They were hurting my pride, and I was being misunderstood.  That's what hurt me then, but it's time to step up, and not give up.  I have to push myself somehow, because I may not know her well, but I know I can believe in her.  I have to keep talking to her somehow, I miss her talking to me.  I miss feeling wanted.  I miss being a good friend.  I miss her.

I should hold back on the experience thing.  I try new things only to regret it so much.  That one time, I thought I can really move on if I ruin my reputation, but I guess I couldn't move on because I truly do need her.  I guess its a test... I dug a hole so deep, I wonder if the patch will be enough to show that a hole was never there... but the hole will always be there, gotta prove that I'm trying.

I shouldn't let my feelings bother me like this.  Follow my mind and heart.  I know what to do, yet I'm just lazy. I hate being lazy.  I have to change.  Feelings, sensitive people is what holds this world back.  This world isn't built for sensitive people.  I believe it's built on them.  But we're supposed to be stronger, and evolving.  Our only enemy, the only beings that should hurt us or are hurting us,  are ourselves, pathogens, viruses, and nature... though I am building sympathy for pathogens.

have to start early.

-ACS Book

-Chemistry Ch 10

-Microbiology Exam on Tuesday

-Enterotube Lab Report

-Concert Report

-Register for classes

-

Failing Microbiology, but I think from now on, I have to do my best no matter what.  I have to fail with dignity!

Other news, I was disappointed on Wednesday.  I deleted my previous entry because I didn't get any sleep, and I regret saying it.  Actually, I would delete it, but I won't delete it because its what's done, just like everything done in life is permanent. As much as I would like to go back in time, it's impeccable to do so.

Edit:  I permanently deleted that last post.  Oh well.

Edit 2:  Oh, it's because I edited over that post with this one.

Edit 3:  Maybe I'm thinking superficially again.  By Wednesday she meant Thursday. Can it be the abstract thinking she meant?  lmao.

“Often we allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget. We lose many irreplaceable hours brooding over grievances that, in a year’s time, will be forgotten by us and by everybody. No, let us devote our life to worthwhile actions and feelings, to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings.”

— Andre Maurois

eye drop.

I need eye drops.  The itch in my eyes are blinding me in this love.  I need a treatment to go on.

A few days ago a friend wanted me and her to be really close friends again.  It won't happen, but I thought it was cute.  My little friend reminds me of Wooper from Pokemon.  We won't be good friends again.  I need to fall out of this love, so I can look back on it and see what I did wrong, much more clearly.  I am a bit blinded now, I know I am because all I see is the good.  I need to step back and see the bad, and I can only do that if I fall out, which I know can happen.  I don't believe in love anymore, I know failed love stories now, and I'm pretty sure that infatuating feeling is the same.  No matter what, love is love, and it changes with time and feelings.  Feelings change no matter what, and I know that will happen to me once I move on.

Anyways, I'll analyze the situation a bit.  She said that my thoughts are superficial and I believe what she says.  I seriously think she has feelings for me.  She doesn't say it, but she said that "I don't think abstractly".   She has told me to move on, and she got mad last time I tried to move on, so does she like me?  She gets mad at me because I'm not showing as much affection as before, and I'm not all in her face, talking to her.  She feels like I'm only talking to her because she tells me to talk to her.  She gets mad at me for not talking to her. She sees no effort at all, even though I really am trying to put effort into this, and she gets mad.  Maybe it's because I need to talk to her much more, each time I see her I have to keep on talking.  She says I still go away even if I talk to her.  It's confusing, this deduction is pointless too, she has a boyfriend.  I can't trust her if she likes me, and has a boyfriend.  What if she's my girlfriend and someone else is pursuing her?  She will take the other guy in consideration, and it'll only hurt me.  I wonder how much my relationship with her is effecting her relationship with her boyfriend.  Sure it's long distance, but if we get into something like that, it'll be long distance too, though I'd be determined to move down south to be with her, and of course experience living on my own, and strengthen my independence. Also I didn't consider much that she would be hurting because I told her that I can't like her if she dumped her bf for me, but I can't take out that possibility completely.  What if it's like that?  Though most likely not.  Just to be positive harhar. I have to think myself down again.  "I'm an idiot, she'll never choose me over her bf, we can't be friends if you can't move on, I'm done." Hmm.

I have to study now. I'm getting excited.  I like this feeling.  I like Spring. I really need to exercise and make myself look good.  Oh yeah, I have to pursue IRL girls now, but this relationship helped me hold back.  I have to casual date... I'm 20 and I haven't done anything so socially yet.  I want to hear rumors and opinions about me... they know I isolate myself a lot, I look to the past way too much, and I think about the future way too much, so I don't spend any time at all in the present.  That's another problem of mine.  I need to find myself a girlfriend for my motivation I guess, but at the same time I don't want to go no where when I pursue someone again, but right now I probably am going no where.  My main life's goal is to have a happy family, and how can I do that if no one likes me?  They don't like me, because I show no effort in trying to like them.  That's probably it.  I'll be blinded again, so I guess it'll be worth it to fall for someone.

I need to grow up, seriously.  When I get home tomorrow, I'll definitely look up general education classes I have to take.  I'll look into a Psychology class.  I won't disappoint my fam bam anymore.  I won't disappoint my friends no more.

I want eye drops to be the name of the song or poem I'll name this story of this relationship... as a chapter in my life.  When it's over though and when I truly moved on, and if things are really as what I expected it to be (the part with me being blinded and seeing all the good).

Random quote: “I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.” -Robert Fulghum

I like writing, it's my outlet to be "social."  I can't believe I'm talking to myself like this though, I feel so narcissistic.

So addicted to After School- Because of You.

Random thought: If we have kids, our kids will be super sensitive.  I'm hella sensitive and she's more sensitive than me... ahhHhh.  I'll explain it to them though, that they got it from our genes buhahaha.

it's been a month since His hospitalization; Deborah Hong's death anniversary.

I asked myself that why would I private my blog?  So that if she sees it somehow, she would get mad at how I'm always blogging about her, and those derogatory remarks, repeated mistakes that I'm thinking and assuming and my "true" intentions?  I do stuff, no matter how threatening it can be to our relationship, just to see how she'd react to it. I have to be careful because she's sensitive.  But this is a blog, it's just what I think of.  And I shouldn't hide any of these thoughts, whether they'll hurt her, or what, to her. I have to be straight up honest and open.  So, this blog will now be public. Words harm a lot, but not as much as actions, and this action is attempting to be completely honest.

I tried to force myself into falling for my lab partner because I thought she had the potential.  She has the looks, the hobbies... but its just things that she says, and her scent.  I feel like I can't grow if I like someone like her. What can I love about her, and what is in it for me?  I really tried, really, but I couldn't.  Nature infused with force is still pulling me towards her.

I miss writing letters by hand.  My handwriting sucks though, but I think its more romantic if I write it by hand!

I had a dream after my afternoon nap.  It was about my uncle Ralph.  I told him that he'll die in five years, and that it's not too late to change.  That he should stop drinking and smoking.  His life change was in progress, as he was walking the dog (looked like Poggie).  Then it got fuzzy and I somehow was playing "Chrono Trigger" on the DS.  It was going by fast, I was already in AD 1200 but the world maps looked different. It looked like 1200 AD with a mix of 600 AD.  I won't say it was weird, because dreams are generally weird.

On Saturday, I went to Grandma Trudy's house to help my Auntie Neddie, Auntie Nancy, Uncle Ed, and my mom clean out Grandpa's room.  Cindy, Grandma Trudy's daughter was also there.  Afterwords, we left to show Grandma Trudy and Auntie Cindy our house in Lassen street, so they can see with their eyes that Grandpa's junk stacked up to the ceiling.  Cindy cried.  I like Cindy, she's genuine with her feelings, and her motives are clearly heavenly.  She's American born, so her mind is like in line with mine.  Anyways, she treated us to a Chinese restaurant after she showed us her apartment.

Cindy shared some memories of Grandpa... for instance, his watermelon baskets stuffed with fruits, when all that was needed was cut fruits.  Grandma Trudy's children clearly sees Grandpa in a different way than what my mom and her sisters and brother saw him as.  Maybe he was really just a kid when he was with my Grandma Lourdes and finally matured with Grandma Trudy.  He wasn't fully grown, because there wasn't an apology letter left.  Maybe it's because that we didn't ask for an apology and it had faded with those 50+ years.  Or maybe he did apologize, but I wasn't around at the time.

Back to the restaurant, I really don't like fish food... like fish tacos, and that fish thingie that we had.  My Auntie Neddie is sick.  I really hope she gets better.  I sense a really strong kind aura when I'm around her.  She's truly nice.  Her bond with Uncle Eddie is so strong, that team and my parents team are like the same.

Earlier that day I was addicted to horoscopes again.  Reading about Venus, Mars, Mercury, and all those asteroid signs.  It's interesting, because it feels true, and my life is a reflection of it.  90% compatibility... interesting.  I should look away from it though, it's no help to normal day to day living, even if it is true, life always brings surprises.  Fortune telling doesn't reveal all, and it shouldn't.

Goal for today: Don't sleep.