If someone asks me what my goal in life is...

I'll just say that it's to move to Australia.

more earthquake thoughts

The earthquake should have came sooner.  Like on August 11.  Same place, but sooner.  Same place in Napa.  A few miles up north from where I live, and right where Robin Williams lived...

Perhaps it could have saved Robin Williams.  He ties the belt around his neck, suspending it in the closet, successfully has everything down.  All he needs to do is wait a few minutes to die... but suddenly, EARTHQUAKE, and the belt falls, thus he falls, saving his life.

I just could never translate it into words

And I still can't.

Ever since my birth, I did not want to see the world.

Because...

When I was born, the placenta came out first.  And then me.  I knew unconsciously from the beginning, without any knowledge of the world, without any knowledge of what I would become, I knew that I would not like it here...

Thus I said, "hey placenta, you go first, they want to take something out and they have to take you, not me.  I don't want to go out there."

Just a thought. But really, the placenta came out before I did.  I could have died then.

EARTHQUAKE

The lights were flickering from across the street and my window was open so it's like there was lightning.

My first thoughts were... wow I'm so scurred, if I have kids they will have a cowardly father.  

I was having a good dream too... about her, even though I am supposed to be moving on...

more things I think about after reading Tsurururur

- People actually like structure and being controlled.  I think I like it too actually...

-And I think what annoyed me most is how they were overexaggerating about taking a chance to meet his friend, flying an 11 hr flight to see his friend without telling his friend that he will see her, and just hoping by chance that she will agree to see him once he's there

... well I've been in a similar situation, driving for 8 hours, and waiting in line for four hours hoping to see this girl I like, or who was my favorite friend, but my other friend did not want me to bump into her (she was hanging out with my other friend) and so I missed my chance in seeing that friend... made me so sad.  THIS IS IRL we're talking about.  It was by chance too, I was not even sure if that girl I like would be with the friend I was going to meet... I was relying on hope for her to be there, and she was there, I just did not get to meet her... I was so close.

No fair, fiction characters always get what's best for them... well their fate is decided by the author... I'd like a word with the author in the story of my life.

I finished Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage. 

It gave sorta the overall theme South of the Border West of the Sun gave, if I am to compare it with Murakami's other novels.  Which, I got, basically, about facing your past.  I was hoping it would be more like A Wild Sheep Chase, Dance Dance Dance, Wild Up Bird Chronicle-like.  But it is what it is, and I own it.  I just wished I owned a Murakami book that I really really really liked, and would reread.

Anyways, THOUGHTS.  THOUGHTS on the novel.  I guess I am sort of jealous of Tsukuru, because he was able to get closure, and he had friends and all that.  I was not able to get closure with my main problems and I still feel like I am dying but I liked how we were able to relate in that respect.  It took him sixteen years for his closure, and I am only sitting at two years.  So it's okay, I can wait...

I was hoping I can just... refresh my brain and move on, but this book made me want to hold on to her even more, and that makes me sad because I cannot understand her anymore... I don't know how she liked me if she did but I am certain that if she was going to do this to me, there must have been some feeling she felt... I don't think she would even treat garbage this way... so that's that, I am holding on because it feels natural. I'll hold on until I don't feel like it anymore.  Not like there's a consequence after not feeling it anymore anyway, but I doubt it will happen.

The feeling is also enhance by my recent addiction to this cover



I am so going to die when it's all over Lol

because we are defined by our habits.

I like to show off that I read.  I miss Xanga, where there would be an option to show off what you are currently reading when you post.

I am tired how I am known to just play video games all the time.  I do not want to be known as a video game guy.

Because... I really don't play games. The misunderstanding me is annoying....

The last game I played was Pokemon X, and before that I played a bit of Ar Tonelico back in March, but other than that, I can't even remember the last game I played and completed.  Seriously.  I think it was Final Fantasy IX back in the summer of 2012.  I do not even own a new generation console, I stopped at the PS2.  The PS3 is still new to me, and now there's even a PS4!

Well I guess I did play a little MapleStory, but I just log in to do my farm, I don't train, I don't even stay logged in for 10 minutes.

I guess it's just my fault, that I do not tell people what I am doing, because what I am doing is literally waiting for this one girl I used to talk to a lot to talk to me again, but it's been two years and she won't talk to me again... if only she did not have a tracker on her blog she would have never knew I checked up on her blog five thousand times a day and we would have still been friends...

Well I guess being called a person who plays games all day is better than being called a creepy stalker.

Serious stalker face, with stalker dogs Doby and Bones... and showing off MapleStory hoodie. 

So I finished reading through Daul Kim's blog...

-Someone agrees with me, that communism is beautiful.  I do not feel so alone anymore in that respect.

-She also questions being logical, and that we're logical so we feel secure and safe... it's a behavioral mechanism to protect one's self.  I can see that.

-She also likes guys who smile back and are happy... like me!  I can be happy and smile.

-Be aggressive in getting what you want.

Maybe I can move on knowing that the girl I liked was selfish?  Maybe I should like someone who is more of a community type of person.. some conformist.  All the girls I've liked emphasized individuality and I noticed how different they are compared to the masses... but meh, I can't really predict anything, and it's not like I'm looking for anyone anyways.

It's whatever!

I also noticed I started blogging here right after she died... she died November 19, 2009.. and my first post is November 16, 2009... I need to carry on her legacy!  Too bad I am no model... maybe I should try to be a model.  I should have been a model, all those Filipino beauty people always say so... or are they just saying that?

 But they've always been saying that.

This song is addicting




Books I should read:
Sophie's World Jostein Gaarder
Milan Kundera's
Madji Murat Tolstoy

Anyways, now I just have to listen to all the songs she listened to.

"i am a dirty guilty selfish person

and this brings comfort


i am a honest truthful giving loving person

this brings discomfort and pain"


-Daul Kim

I got mah books!!!

Except, Tsururururu was damaged.

It's okay though, I'd rather have it damaged than going to the store and asking to exchange.

This should last me until school starts. 

I was thinking about

How she suffocated me first.

I don't think I should be super fit... or at least do everything I can to be super fit.

Because what happens when I get super fit?  What if I still get depressed and suicidal?

At least, when I'm between being fit and chubby I can get dark thoughts and say, oh I just need to work out, maybe this constant sadness is because I'm fat!

And so that's the solution, working out for an hour or two...

But if I'm super fit I'll just blame myself.  I won't be able to shake out the sadness, because there's no weight to lose...

I don't know the perfect solution to coping anymore.  I really really really thought it was laughter.

I PASSED ARRABBIATA ON EXPERT.

He died the same way I wanted to die.  Without any signs, no note, no anything... just hanging himself with a belt.

Now I can't do that if I want to be different.

Why was I a little happy when I read hanging?  Was it because when I read "asphyxiation," the primary thought I had of his method was actually hanging himself?

Damnit why'd he have to do this, now I can't use being funny as a cover up, they will all suspect me.  I know it's been always like this, but laughter is supposed to be the best medicine.  Abraham Lincoln was the same way, but he did not kill himself.  William's death defies the meaning of laughter.  Fuck. Holy fucking shit.

Addicted to reading about all these people who hanged themselves on Wikipedia.
I felt like I read about them before.  But I forgot.  But after reading about it again, I remember.
I am convinced that life gets worse as you get older.

Lots of models.  Most of them were young models.  Or maybe it is because I noticed the models more than any other kind.  Beautiful people suiciding?

This Korean Model from France hung herself, and she read Emerson's Self Reliance.  That's what I do too.  Even Emerson couldn't save her.  An American hero, not a France hero. She went that far to read about him... I would think there would be more prominent people outside of the United States with the same ideas as him...

I think once you think about killing yourself, it never leaves you.
Just one thought of it, and it's with you forever.
You will always go back to the thought, no matter what position in life you are in.

I feel that my cousin still thinks about it.  He talks too much and laughs too much, and he keeps saying God is good, life is good, but I highly doubt it considering his position in life and what he talks about... I don't like him, but I hope he realizes that life isn't good and embraces life regardless.

So strange, I was re watching George Carlin videos right before I read that Robin Williams died.  A week before, I wanted to watch Hook as well, and I was imitating that little black boy eating the imaginary sandwich on the kitchen table when my brother came home to visit.

Comedians... my dental hygienist suggested that I become one, and one of my lab partners back in Chemistry said the same.  My psychological barriers prevent me from doing anything about it though.  I know I wouldn't feel comfortable.

I also read a little on the Hopi Indians.


I miss story mode on Pokemon X.  It's my favorite one.

When I say favorite, I don't mean in terms of story, game play, graphics, or design.

I say it's my favorite because it resonates with me.  Especially as of now, since I feel like I trust the whole transcendental perspective thing, about beauty and stuff.  It makes sense to me.

Anyways, I like Shauna.  She's just like me, being left alone with her memories, as she watches everyone else move on... and I think I am like Tierno too, who just feels like dancing all the time. I always feel bad when I beat Serena though, she looks so sad when she loses in game. I purposely let her win once, but she did not make a happy face, I just blanked out.

I'm trying to get into competitive battling though.  I just don't know what Pokemon to use.  I know about EVs, IVs, and breeding and stuff, I just don't want to go through all that on a Pokemon that isn't good with the team... maybe I should just battle maison and farm BP, but even so, I do not know what Pokemon to use for that.  I subscribed to Pokebank, so I have my Swampert, Salamence, and Metagross who got me 63 straight wins in the Battle Tower  (remembering harsh memories losing to a horn drill and a Mega Horn by Heracross) back in Sapphire, but it's so different now, it's like this new generation is meant to destroy dragons.

Reading and researching about competitive battling defintely helps me get my mind off Jess though, and relationships in general.  Actually, no, I still think about her, it helps me feel less pain and helps me feel less obsessive about it.  Either way, I am naturally holding on. And when the feelings fade, then it fades.  But for now, it's there, so it's there.

I am thinking of a team with a Pokemon from each region. Hopefully that will limit my options.

Anyways, I don't want to neglect Silver Version.  I have the most fondest memories with Silver Version... and Soul Silver too, playing with my little cousin when my grandpa died.

POKEMON X QUOTES

"Looks alone don't mean anything.
And what's inside means even less."
-Nizam from the Battle Chateau (Pokemon X)

"Tomorrow is the only thing that comes to you even if you don't do anything.  Everything else in life has to be fought for, so go out and get what you want!"
-Dendemille Town link to Route 17 lady (Pokemon X)

"So bad guys are all like, 'we'll take over the world,' but I think it would be really hard to look after everybody."
-Kid in Dendemille Town

"Those who live life with a burning passion must eventually burn out and extinguish, right?
-Team Flare Grunt

"If both sides have something to say, maybe it's best to meet halfway..."
-Serena

"When we first set off on our journey, I thought it was really important how different I was from everyone else.  But that doesn't really matter, does it?  Of course I'm different from others.  I'm the only me!"
-Serena

So I got a 3DS...

I was kind of mad, because I wasn't even into games anymore.  It was the same when I got Pokemon Diamond, I got a DS Lite just for Pokemon Diamond and did not even wring out any joy from it... initially that is.

But after playing for two hours and adding a couple of my friends, I felt a connection to the world, even if its something childish, I felt like a member of society.  People in society do these things.  People who play these things are part of society regardless.  Because people I know play these things, I feel like I am connected to them, because I am doing what they are doing.  And so I felt overwhelming connectedness, which lifted me out of darkness...

maybe for a little while.  But for now, Chesnaught bitchesss!!@

I nicknamed my main team after stand-up commedians I have watched on YouTube.  Amaura is Simon Amstell (Amstel, because of the character limit actually), Blasetoise is Louis C.K., Talonflame is Bo Burnham, and Chesnaught is Carlin.  I like the exp system better than Black and White's.  Though Black and White's leveling system basically evens out all Pokemon's levels allowing storage Pokemon to be in the rotation without having the hastle to level them up for a long time since they caught up in levels pretty easily because of the system, X and Y's feels like the same leveling up formula as the past games, however, the newExp. Share distributes exp to the entire party, allowing diverse rotations between storage and in the party.  I always switch my other two Pokemon to Pokemon that can evolve by leveling up so I don't waste time and exp points.

When words can't describe how I feel towards someone... I think I'll just say this "I love youAKJF:SDKJF:"