Last November 2009 Dinner

The last of The Taco.

Listening to: Portishead- Roads



Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Storm,
In the morning light,
I feel,
No more can I say,
Frozen to myself.

I got nobody on my side,
And surely that ain't right,
Surely that ain't right.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

How can it feel this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Bringin' it Back

I'm listening to my favorite band in high school, ZONE.  They disbanded in 05', but I started listening to them in 07' because I finally found the song Sotsugyou on youtube, my first JPOP song in 04'  that I have been looking all those years until I found it that year in 07'.

I haven't been keeping up with them.  I know Maiko is in MARIA, Takayo and Miyu are going solo... last song I heard from Miyu is ROSE, and last album I heard from Takayo was her Best Friends album. Mizuho was pouring drinks at a restaurant place thing, and there wasn't any news on Tomoka... that was a little more than a year ago.

Miyu sang R&B for a bit too.  I actually LOVE Japanese R&B and Hip Hop... I wonder why it isn't as popular as the other Jpop songs in the US. I need translations!  I'm guessing its because most of the Jpop songs that people here in the US listen to are from artists that sang a theme song or something for an anime.  Most animes don't start off or end with an R&B or Hip Hop song.

Just a few minutes ago, I thought of why I loved ZONE so much back then... and I know why...

They mended my first broken heart with tape.  The tape lost its stickiness and fell out, so I'm listening to them again.

And also, Tomoka was too cute!

(Translated by Vllasko.com's Adrian Nomura)

AKASHI- My Testimony


naze boku wa koko ni iru no ka?　doshaburi no ame no naka de
why am I here? in this pouring rain

ashita no tame ni boku wa iru no ka?　nani ga dekiru no ka?
do I exist for the sake of tomorrow? what is there that I can do?

dareka oshiete, dareka kizuite, dareka boku ni sono kotae wo
someone tell me, someone notice me, someone answer me

hito no uzu mayoikonde　miageta biru no hazama de
lost my way in the swirl of people in the valley of buildings, looking up

chiisaku mieta　chigireta sora ni nomi komaresou de
I seemed so small; nearly swallowed up by the tattered sky

dareka oshiete, dareka kizuite, dareka boku ni sono kotae wo
someone tell me, someone notice me, someone answer me

ima boku ga ikiru jibun no ibasho sagashi motomete sakenderu
at this moment, I'm living screaming, as I search for the place I belong

mayoi tsukaretemo sakebi tsukaretemo mou nigetaku wa nai yo...
should I tire of wandering, tire of screaming I don't ever want to run away any more

nani mo nai kono heya no sumi uzukumari tsukarehatete
in the corner of this empty room huddled in exhaustion

nemuru koto sae obiete ita kizutsuita boku ni...
too afraid to even sleep noticeable were my wounds

dareka oshiete, dareka kizuite, dareka boku ni sono kotae wo
someone tell me, someone notice me, someone answer me

ima boku ga ikiru jibun no ibasho sagashi motomete sakenderu
I'm living in this moment screaming, as I search for a place I belong

mayoi tsukaretemo sakebi tsukaretemo mou nigetaku wa nai yo...
should I tire of wandering, tire of screaming I don't ever want to run away any more

moshi boku ga shinde namida wo nagasu hito ga iru nara...
if I were to die, would people shed a tear for me...

namida ga hidari no kodou wo yurasu furueagaru akashi wo
The tears cause my heartbeat to tremble trembling uncontrollably, my testimony

boku wa koko ni iru ima ikite iru sakebi tsuzukete susumu...
I'm here, living in the moment and continue to go on screaming

EGAO BIYORI- DAYS OF SMILING FACES (their last song, such an appropriate video too... and lyrics!)


kokoro saku konnanimo akaruku kimi wo kanjiru kara
feeling that much brightness in you makes my heart blossom

donna tooku hanaretatte kono omoi wa tsunagatte irunda
no matter what kind of distance separates us, we'll be connected by this feeling

toritomemo naku hibi sugiteku keredo (sugiteiku keredo)
although the days just sort of pass on by...

kimi ga iru rarara(lalala) hanauta majiride (hanauta majiride)
you are here and I was humming "lalala" unconcernedly

tatoebane shuumatsu yakusoku shitara
if, for example, we'd make a weekend promise,

wasure chauyo namida no hibimo
I would forget even the tearful days

iroirona kotomo kini shiteshimau
I can't help getting concerned about a variety of things

demone sonna jibun ga aiishiyo
but, you know, I like that about myself

urara kana kyoumo todoiteiruyo kimi ga hanatsu hikari
your radiant light has delivered today as well

saki hajimeta hana nigiyakana machi nimo
like a flower about to bloom in a bustling town

arigatou konna nimo akaruku kimi wo kanjiru kara
thank you; for I feel that sort of vibrance about you

donna tooku hanare tatte kono omoi wa tsunagatte irunda itsumademo
no matter what kind of distance separates us, we'll be connected by this feeling

hayaoki ga nigate na　itsumo no asamo (itsumo no asamo)
even though I'm not good at waking up early

iroaseta saenai itsumono machimo (itsumo no machimo)
and even though this town is usually drab

sawagashii hito gomisuri nukete ikou
let's navigate through the crowd of noisy people

kokoro odoru nani kara hanasou
my heart is racing. what should I talk about first?

demo donna tokimo　ki wo nukanaide
but I shouldn't lose focus at any time

doki doki surukedo kimochi osaete
although my heart is beating rapidly in excitement, I need to control my feelings

kokoro saku kimi no iru basho made kono hikari todokete
to deliver this light to the place where you are

naze ka akashingou wa itsumoyori nagakute
somehow the red traffic light is longer than normal

hashiri dashi sou ni sawagu kokoro afuresou ni naruyo
and my racing heart feels as if it is about to overflow

ashibumi shite ao ni kawaru sono shunkan wo kokoro no nakade　kazoeteru
the stomping of my feet seems as if it causes the light to change green; for I am counting those moments in my heart

arigatou nakitai yoru datte hitomi tojite mireba
thank you; for on those nights that I felt like I wanted to cry, If I try to close my eyes

azayaka ni utsuru orenji no yokogao
your side profile is vividly projected in orange

urara kana kyoumo todoiteiruyo kimi ga hanatsu hikari
your radiant light has delivered today as well

saki hajimeta hana nigiyakana machi nimo
like a flower about to bloom in a bustling town

arigatou konna nimo akaruku kimi wo kanjiru kara
thank you; for I feel that sort of vibrance about you

donna tooku hanare tatte kono omoi wa tsunagatte irunda
no matter what kind of distance separates us, we'll be connected by this feeling

-

EDIT: JUST FOUND OUT THAT TOMOKA IS BACK IN THE MUSIC BIZ <3

오,하이

Yeay!!! I hope nothing changes. I'm just letting everyone know that I'm satisfied!

We got a new camera.  It's a 10MP Nikkon Coolpix s203, for $47 from Black Friday.  My mom regretted not getting two. It's quick and easy to take pictures with it. It's really small too...at least, small for us, it's like 3x smaller than our older digital camera (it's as old as my computer).  This new camera is like the size of a Pokemon card deck (60 cards) without the sleeves.



This was from my computer chair... like five hours ago or so.



Lumpia snack.



Few seconds later.  I ate the other one.

-

Finished You're Beautiful.  OMG.  Best. Drama. EVER.

There's so much I have to say about this, but before this gets lost in the galaxy of my mind...

Episode 15, Shin Woo confesses the SECOND time.  I was like WTF PATHETIC!!! SHE REJECTED YOU ALREADY, YOU LOOK LIKE A LAUGHABLE LOSER. He gets rejected again.

And then on episode 16... I GOT OWNED, because he was right.  He tells TK “It may have looked pathetic and laughable to you, but because I tried everything I could, I was able to let her go.” He's referring to that second confession. HOLY SHIT. *SWOON* But bleh, she rejected the guy hotter than the hottie.

I added these quotes to the quote section.

“You just stand there and watch her run away because its difficult for her, but you’ve never thought of going after her.  Fine. Protect your pride and wait until she runs off far away.”~Shin Woo, from You’re Beautiful

“Waiting and not telling her is the same thing as not waiting at all, you self-centered asshole.”~ Jeremy from You’re Beautiful



This is officially my all time favorite drama.  Some dramas make me bored in the middle, but this one didn't, I watched all the way like an owl.  I love the cast so much!

I want to post pictures but I don't want to ruin their images.  If I post a pictures of this drama I want to make sure it catches their best features... like right now, I can't find any good pictures of Shin Woo's gorgeous eyes. I'm trying to find a picture of when his eyes illuminate from a look at Go Min Nam.  I probably can't find any though because you can only see eyes sparkle like that in pictures that actually move, watching the actual drama.

I really like how these guys dealt with rejection.

And this drama makes me want to look cute (er).

The way these guys think also reminds me of the way I think.  It's hilarious.  TK's fantasies and analyzing situations, Jeremy's homo feelings, Jeremy's love style, Manager Ma's thinking like the Super Junior's Sorry Sorry parody... there's so much more.

Never again, will I have to anticipate a Friday night date with Go Min Nam, Shin Woo, TK, Jeremy, and Manager Ma. It's saddening, but I'll find another drama and deal with it that way.

I'm going to watch this drama again. Not now, but I want to watch it again soon.

Music's awesome too.  Of course it should be, because, it's about a band.  Well, the characters are band members.  It's about love!

The final song. The final song he wrote. It was so appropriate at that time, and my time:

What Should I Do- Park Da Ye

English Translated, thanks to starones (starones.wordpress.com)

As I let you walk another step away, it brings tears to my eyes
As you walk another step away, it brings tears to my eyes
I reach out my hand, but you go where I can’t approach
I can’t hold onto you, I can only cry

What should I do? What should I do?
You’re leaving
What should I do? What should I do?
You’re leaving me and going away
I love you, I love you
I call out to you but you can’t hear me,
because I’m only crying out with my heart

All day, I try to erase you but I keep thinking of you
All day, I say goodbye but I think of you again
I reach out my hand, but you go where I can’t go
I can’t find you, I can only cry

Thanksgiving 2009

My mom cooked the turkey the day before Thanksgiving because she, and my dad had work on Thanksgiving day.



I put too much sauce to the point where it looks gross, but I like it that way.



Our cheesecake.



Six dollar Pumpkin Pie.

We karaoke'd Wednesday night.

I get too emotional.

Singing love songs with a certain person in mind that did not accept the love, felt intensely sorrowful... yet, strangely relieving.

I woke up crying again today.  And felt anger.  Just when I woke up though, I didn't have time to think before the anger.  I wonder if that excuse is valid, or am I just pathetic? What would he say. I'll admit, I don't know.

It's raining right now.  There's thunder.  It's really heavy.  And my mom is telling me to turn off my pc because you know, the thunder and lightning might do something to the house's electricity.

This is the first rain in months.  I'm going to be self-centered, and say that nature is sympathizing with me.

Slip.

I'm not used to it.  And I haven't felt it much.  But I'm hurt.

It's not anger.  It's not hate.  I feel betrayed. I feel pathetic.  I feel insulted. Humiliated.   I feel disappointed.

Disappointed in myself.

I feel like a fool.

I'm always in defense, ending with the most tears. In addition to the external tears,  internal tears that freezes up from the ice age depression in my blood,  into icicle spear shards piercing  through my heart.

I'm not direct.

Men are like colonies of bacteria... the more heat you apply, the faster they grow.

I'm being delusional.

It's not the normal broken heart kind of hurt. I've been that kind of brokenhearted more than a thousand times by her already that I'm used to it.

It's something I can't explain.  Because then again, I never felt it before.

When someone asks me, who my best friend is, two people come to mind.

I talk to my best friends.  Once a week.  Or even after three months.  But they are closest to the "best friend" rank.

Friendship is discouraged in my family.

Blood is thicker than wine.

The ones who will really be there for you forever, is your family.

Just give her 10 dollars.

I never followed those words.

I gave a 40.

I wish I could give him a game.

I never thought friendships hurt.  It's a reality now.

Traumatized.

My first best friend.  Second grade.  We were partnered up to do a Science Project together.  I was so excited that he would come over to my house.

My mom said no, and to just use my brother's old science project.

I cried telling him that I have to work on it by myself.

-

Friends I invited over to my house?

I never invited anyone.

They were my brother's friends.

I'm scared.  I'm scared to tell my parents I have friends.

Having friends would be a big change.

I don't like change.

I'm weird.  I'm strange. Always have been.

Just a month ago...

You are really socially inept.

It's still ringing in my ears.

Break me down. Cut me into pieces.  Kill me.

I really hope it satisfies your heart.

People you love hurt you the most.

I fell for it.  And that's why they call it fall.  Because it's a trap. I'm falling and there's nothing I can do to get back up.  I'll keep falling until I hit the ground.  And when you hit the ground, you get injured. I'll get injured.  Even more.

I hate being attached. I hate how I'm affected.  I hate not being able to figure it out.  I hate not understanding.  I hate how other people misunderstand.

This is the first time a friendship hurt so much.

I'm avoiding the anger.

Because anger is the last refuge of the pathetic.

Understanding comes first.  And I think I get it.

This is why friendship is discouraged.

I should be smart enough to know that it's not worth it.

-

I woke up crying today.  It was a premonition to this truth. This realization.

I'm sorry.  I want to say I'm okay.  I want to say that I've been okay. But I'm not.

It won't ever be the same again.

You're Beautiful, Iris

I'm so hooked to two Korean dramas.  Oh. My. God.

IRIS.

It's rank one in the ratings.

First I was thinking... what the hell can top You're Beautiful ?!?!

It's IRIS.



I strayed away from the usual romance-comedy dramas to watch this.  It's an action, thriller, mystery,  romance.  I haven't watched a drama like it.  I was peer pressured into watching Heroes before, but I didn't like the acting at all.  But omg, IRIS is awesome.  I read that it cost them 20 million dollars to produce it.

A story of betrayal, politics, mystery in the politics,  love... doom, death, kill, stab, destruction, explosions, BOOM HEADSHOT.  Holy shit.

The hot hacker girl, Yang Mi Jung can friggin sing.   I like the song she sang in the drama, translated of course:

If I say I hurt, it might be really painful. If I say I'm sad, I'm afraid the tears will come. So I just smile. But why do people always ask why I'm crying? I don't have a heart. So it's not possible for me to hurt.I talk to myself. I ask myself. But the tears keep coming.

It's 8eight's Without a Heart: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkc-cYszev0

Haha, there's an artist called 8eight.  And there's a se7en.  Next will be 9ne9? Oh wait, that can't be, because seven ate nine.

....

Anyways, her, Yang Mi Jung's. IRL character has the same birthday as me. I keep lagging when I try to find a good picture of her as her character in IRIS. Oh well, here's her IRL character.  I like her no teeth smile.



I don't want to spoil anything, but the pictures, and camera angles were stunning... at least, I think so.  Bad thing is that it's like Dragon Ball Z, like it takes forever for the story to start happening, there's too much action and too many pictures to explain something.  It's a new genre for me to watch though.  It reminds me of the novels I read in high school, The Count of Monte Cristo, and Crime and Punishment. The revenge plot makes me think of The Count of Monte Cristo, while Kim Hyun Joon's look is like what I pictured Raskonikov to look like.

Big Bang's T.O.P. plays a friggin Sephiroth with a gun. A shiny SILVER gun.





He's so much hotter when he moves though.  So you should watch it if you want to see a true hottie. His character is so sick.  He's like the only anime looking character in the sea of political men in suits.

And there's this other sexy character that resembles Juni and Juli from Street Fighter Alpha 3.




-

Episode 14 of You're Beautiful didn't disappoint me.  Shin Woo didn't break down.  It was a silly scene Jeremy thought of when he was reading his fan's fanfiction.  The last two episodes are coming out this week, and I'm going to be sad.

Dramas help me cope up with my own drama.  I don't know what to say about the word drama! Well, I guess since my drama is already helped, I can say that I love drama!

(Thanks to soompi, that drama wiki site, and the drama for the pictures)

Holy. Sexy. Alouette.

This past week I've been playing in a Maple Perver. I just want to show off my character before the server shuts down!  I named my character  Alouette. Because I like that name. It sounds holeh and sexeh.  Even though it means "lark" in French.  A lark is some kind of bird.  Some kind of sexy bird. Sexy divine bird.

I wrote lots of captions on top of the pictures because I wanted some words to go with the pictures.

This is how Alouette looked.

Alouette guarding the fort.

And she grew up.

Losing the cute look.

For a more mature and sophisticated look...

Evolution happens.

Climbing the rope to her goal...

She can touch the sky.

Training. Practice. For the medal.

Improving skills as life goes on.

Though it's okay to be alone...

Friends are an enhancement. Any type will help.

Up high in the sky.  Or deep down in the sea.

Reach for the castle! It ain't no hassle!

Chill.

'Coz you gotta make dat moneh.

I'll add more later.  My screenshot button for Maple doesn't work so I have to Print Screen and copy it to paint to save my shots. It might not sound like it takes long, but it does for my computer.

I honestly think I did good with my CS clothes and hair.  My hair is different, underrated, while I had subtle hints of various colors, notably the shirt.  The black makes the blue from the crystal earrings and the scarf looking thing shine. Made the dark sexy with the shorts and the dark mysterious with the cape and hat.  Hair is yellow to show more of a feminine side, and I notice yellow isn't used much in Maple.  With violet eyes illuminating a sparkle foreshadowing the colors by complementing the dark hat...  Although I saw three people with the same hat as me, sigh.  Anyways, the black and blue can represent for a winter wear, as the yellow and the shorts symbolize for summer.  Perfect for a permanent wear.

ps- All this Cash Shop dressing makes me want to redo my IRL closet.

112009

Thursdays, I wait in the library for like four hours or something. And in the library, I've been listening to these songs my friend sent me. There are two songs that catch my eye... or ear... or whatever. One song that sounds like the final boss in Donkey Kong Country 2, and the other, a German song. I can't get into the other ones, most likely because I'm not in the right type of mood for those songs. For now, I need those heavy beats that makes me wanna boom boom dance... or songs that just makes me want to sit in a dark corner and think... with my head down on my knees.

Anyways, I'm thinking about doing a misheard lyric video for the German song.

...

I just looked up misheard lyric videos for that song and there is one already:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8tyg5ikUdI

I'm hearing something different though. I'm imagining Mr. Crocker in a Vampire costume belting out "TIMMY TURNER!!" with a passionate anger. I also hear "viente Gundam", "the totem clogging" , "teeth in the coop", "viente four", "the neighbor's swagger", "look up in seven nachos", and "hand me the beret in the Quran". I just have to find the right images... but I probably won't do it because my pc will crash and I'm lazy.

Speaking of music, Christmas songs are in KOIT 96.5 FM! Yeay!
This Christmas won't be as fun as the past times though. We're celebrating it in Las Vegas, and there will be no cousin Ryan, Hazel, and Karen. My other two successful cousins want to take me out though and do bad stuff. I wonder what kind of bad stuff.

I'm thinking about becoming a Certified Nursing Assistant. Maybe that will motivate me to study better. I'll be like, "I don't want to do this anymore, I better study." It'll be my first job... and I can finally make my first Christmas givelist. Worse scenario would be that I'll like the job.

Tabula Rasa

I have a B in Physiology. I did not expect that, I don't remember studying for that class... well, I look over notes before the test, but that's it. It's not really studying. I would always have work to do still the day of the test, so I could never study the day before because I'm doing homework. I think I'll end it with a C though, I might not do so well on the Final.

The next episode preview of You're Beautiful looks friggin crazy, I can't wait... Jeremy gets his heartbroken, and Shin Woo breaks down, I saw him saying "I'll kill you all!". Holy fucking shit! Shin Woo?!?!? I love this drama so much.

<3 This Song... and <3 KFC too

I got all teary eyed when I first heard this from the drama You're Beautiful (when Shin Woo sang this song for Go Mi Nam after blahpity bleh blah happened) and big droplets of the tears ran down my cheek from my eyes... it was so touching!

It's like what all the "nice guys" are feeling.



Thanks to "NulSaRangHae" from YouTube for this.

I'll write down the lyrics just in case youtube takes this video down. The English translated lyrics. From three different videos. I like the translation from the video I put up there near the beginning of my post the best though.

Maybe it's because I'm a fool.
Even when you hurt me it's okay.
Even if they say it's useless love.
It doesn't matter
Because I'm a fool

Because I wanted to, I was nice to you.
I was happy with just that.
If you laugh just once
I'm happy with just your smile.

(I don't know why it switched from 2nd person POV to 3rd)

Until that day when someone she love arrives
I'm going to stay by her side and keep loving her
Since I am happy just giving to her
I don't want anything else from her

Whenever she needs me I'll give her a hand
Whenever she calls to me I'll listen to her
I want to be part of her world
Because I love her
I'm a fool

Here's the actual clip from the drama, thanks to "TojikaxX" from youtube for this.

Post Friday the 13th

Procrastinating again... led me to Facebook.

About six months ago I deleted all my high school friends.

One of my HS friends added me after I deleted everyone.  I accepted her request.

As I procrastinated, I logged into Facebook to check my friend's friends... to see what they look like now.

And WTF THEY'RE BECOMING HOTTIES.

HOTTER THAN ME!!!!!!

And the girls are looking alright too.

I'm lagging behind... they're all gonna graduate before me.  Start families before me. Meet the Jabbawockeez before me. Make a lot of money before me.

Why am I feeling jealous... this sucks.  Maybe its because lots of people had high expectations for me... I used to be on the top of the world... in elementary.  Now I'm feeling oxygen deprivation from the top.  And I'm suffocating. Anytime now I might jump off  and fall to the bottom.  It's been like this for awhile now.  You got me feeling like a child now. Blah blah came from my toes, wherever it goes people always know.

I guess what I thought was genuine about me isn't.

I can see they spend a lot on money their looks.  While I'm not doing anything.. except for taking a bath everyday.  Yeah, I bet I'm cleaner than them!

I'm supposed to get a haircut tomorrow.  I haven't had one in three months.  My right eye is covered! Argh matey.

And there are couples that I saw coming hehe.

Shoot I really am lagging behind... playing Maple Story again, gaining weight when my goal is to lose more weight and be really healthy physically so I can feel happy about my body.  How can I lose weight when my mom bought like 100lbs of candy...  Snickers, Three Musketeers, Recess, Whoopers, Kitkats, gummy worms.  And tomorrow her KFC coupon expires, so she's going to buy another KFC meal with the salty potato wedges, corsla, and whatever the meal has.  It's so difficult to resist!

Just gotta exercise... eat all I want, just exercise it all out.

Exercise.  Look good.  Feel good.

ANYWAYS, mom bought Posada Chimichaungas this time instead of the usual El Montery. I can honestly say that I prefer El Montery.  Though El Montery's Chimichaungas taste beyond salty, Posada's just tastes too soupy.  There's too much cheese, less meat, and there's vegetables.  While El Montery's has thicker meat, and just has a better taste and texture overall.

Unnatural Diffusion

My heart feels like it dropped right into my stomach.

I can't feel it in its normal place.

... or the place where it has been after being in its normal place.

It wasn't normal for awhile, but I can feel it dropped into my stomach.

It hurts.

I can feel it digesting little by little... slow and cruel.

Op! I just felt the bottom of my heart digest.   My apex.

"Blah blah blah from the bottom of my heart..."  Can't do that anymore, can't keep what I said about it anymore.

I think I'll sleep now.

Maybe when I wake up, it will be ready to be poo'd out.

And when I poo it out...

Just maybe...

I'll feel free. Better.  And relieved.

The remains of my heart will be flushed down the toilet.  I think it'll end up in the ocean.  Riding the tides. Or it'll dissolve, and people will swim in it.  Actually, most likely it'll harden and drop to the bottom of the ocean.  Anyways I hope the tides treat it well.  But that's just if it ends up in the ocean.

Prosecutor Godot from Phoenix Wright Trials and Tribulation says "The weak gets washed away by the tides of fate... the strong drink it up."

Haha, the strong drinks up my poo (assuming that the literal tides of fate is the ocean... or whatever body of water the poo inhabits).