Recluse Mode

I feel like I need to go through another social withdrawal.  But this time, its not an IRL one, its an online one. I feel like I need to step away from my online friends before my feelings get involve which makes me uncomfortable (and perhaps others), which then disrupts my character's consistency, thus change, and me losing friendships that I've long ago sworn to never let go of.

These next few weeks will be concentrated on me working out so I have enough stamina to at least play two rounds of full court basketball once the quarter starts.  I really wish I could join that Kinesiology class with my friend, but it just conflicts with my Biology class.  My Biology class is much more important, as I have to finish faster.  Hopefully my friend can give me tips I guess on what he learned?  

The more and more I get older, the more lost I am getting in "what I'm supposed to do".  I feel the pressure and all that, but I know in my head and in the future, it doesn't really matter.  The one thing I've been missing my whole life is belonging to a group.  I've never felt comfortable and being myself around my video game friends.  I feel awkward and I can't say anything with the random basketball people I play with.  I don't know, its just so hard for me to feel like fitting in, even though from the looks of it from other people, I'm fitting in just fine.  It's this feeling that is bothering me.  I feel like I can never be myself.  Whatever that is.



Random Dragonite. 

It's strange.  I've met someone REALLY REALLY similar to me, but of the opposite sex.  It feels so weird. It's like all the events in my life led to this to be happening to me.  All the fortune telling sign shit points to this, and it feels like it's going to be all good.  Or maybe my mind is playing tricks on me again, and I don't truly know her, just the image and idea of her formed in my mind.  But I think I experienced this before, and knowing that, it will not end good.  I'd call these supernatural things are done by god, even though I don't believe in god, and he's just messing with me. It has to be a trap.

I am very skeptical about good things happening to me because it feels like I'm not supposed to feel good, because I never feel truly satisfied.  Or maybe there's never anything truly satisfying in life.  Maybe eternal satisfaction is another one of those things created by the media.  If satisfaction is only short term what's the point in doing so many things long term for a little short term happiness?  It's a bad investment.  But then again, maybe the things long term have to have some short term happiness, like working really hard has to be a little fun, right?  But it's not.  There are other things I'd rather do in the moment, little satisfying things but not extreme happiness or whatever.  Meh, whatever.  I'm going to play FFIX to get my mind off shit.

Copy & Paste

I learned a lot from shows.  Especially Arthur, and that episode where he doesn’t show his mom that envelope.  And the more he keeps it away from her, it gets bigger and bigger and he’ll eventually have to tell, especially if its his mom, someone who he loves so much. I guess I’m in the same position.  I’m not lying, and they never asked, but I guess  its the same as him saying “he didn’t tell me to give it to her… he just said it was FOR her…”


I don’t know even if  I should tell them, we’ve drifted apart already, and it feels like if I interfere now, I’ll interfere with their personal lives.  I should avoid that, because I’ve experienced this before.  It’s best if I don’t tell sometimes, but I shouldn’t care if they do find out.  I love them a lot, they helped me through times that I would have mental breakdowns.  They are friends after all.  But then again, we’re moving on, and I met new people along the way as well… so maybe my effort should be with my new friends and I should leave my old friends… but we didn’t even have a heart to heart talk about how we’re drifting apart, and why I’m not telling them of why I feel so disconnected.  It kinda hurts because I’ve developed feelings for her, and its another problem that to kill the feelings I have to like someone else, but liking someone else will cause me to be hurt even more just like before.  I should learn from my mistakes.


Anyways, I’ve been feeling happy and content with my life… I feel like I have a group of friends, but at the same time, it’s only been a month, and I feel that I can get boring fast and they’ll lose interest in me.  I feel it already.  I don’t want that to happen, and I don’t want to force anything as well. At this moment, I’m feeling uncomfortable with them. Those silly horoscopes are coming back to me as well.  They’re dumb, they’re no real, they’re stupid.  I should avoid it, and not mention them.  But what if its not real but true at the same time?  What if the qualities are true for just this one person?  I’ll be missing out on a lot.

I’ve been playing FFIX too.  Vivi…

God, why so sad, but happy and enlightening at the same time… such a good symbol for life, or my life. I don’t know how I should feel… I’m not doing well in terms of making money, being closer to love or anything.  But I’m feeling quite satisfied in my growth in personality.

My Mage is 199, I want people to be there when I reach 200, so that’s why I’m not 200 yet.  I want my CTF friends to be there, and I want some of my guildies to be there, and Sophie, Jen and Sophia. And my brother.  But I have to tell them who I am. Please get the hints and confront me about it, but knowing “her” she wouldn’t confront me because she’s not the type to.  Maybe the other two will.  Maybe.