I hate it when people think they got me all figured out... (maybe that's why I don't like being close to people, maybe I really don't like being understood)...

And then I thought of the planet... and all the scientists who try to understand the planet... and if the planet is like me, wouldn't it want to unleash disaster on those who try to understand it?... or maybe it already has...

Wait!  I'm not saying I would unleash disaster.  So nevermind... But!  What if the planet is kinda like me in that way, but is more aggressive to unleashing disaster than I am?

Nahhhh.

If it is, it would have just did an earthquake to wipe everyone out.  The planet is killing people slowly... viruses and cancer and stuff take a long time too.

My definition for maturity: Conforming without complaining. (Conforming is a negative word to me Btw).

I was thinking of Chrono Cross since I just finished playing Chrono Trigger for like the 20th time.  I played Chrono Cross when I was 12, and again when I was 19 or something like that.  Of course I used the wiki then, to understand it because the story is convoluted and I'm stupid.  And now I'm reading about it again and it makes more sense, and I'm going to replay it.  But that got me thinking of Xenogears, which is also a JRPG that I have, but never finished... and I heard that story is convoluting as well.  The best JRPG stories are all convoluted...

But I thought about it again... and read about it.. and both stories are ultimately about love, like romantic love.  Love across parallel worlds, because of spoilers Serge blah blah Kidd, and love across the eternal recurrence, which is Fei and blah blah that one girl.  So boooo!  I think these love stories surpass Murakami's though, 1Q84 sucked ass, and Murakami was trying to make a complicated super love story thing.  I think Xenogears and Chrono Cross's concept of complicated love is... more complex so it's vastly superior.  Meh, whatever.  Booooo, love!  Schopenhaur says love is just nature's trick into making us reproduce.  And I agree with him.  

I guess I'll finish Suikoden... and then Suikoden II.  I didn't spoil myself, but I think it's not about love. At least I hope it's not.   But then again, that part in Suikoden I just passed... this cool lady who was my age just died, and her boyfriend still doesn't know about it.  At least it's in the middle of the game, and not the end ultimate conclusion sort of thing that Chrono Cross and Xenogears does with their concept of true love. 

I feel like I'm the only person, when seeing people, who thinks to myself

"this person is cute.  And this person's going to die, and is going to have a funeral someday.  With a coffin in the center with arms crossed, and people crying, and touching the corpse... and so is this person, and that person."

It's kinda lonely.  I should think of the cremated guy from Crow's Blood then, how it was kinda funny how he was waking up to flames, being cremated alive.

Nevermind

I'm so excited for Moon now l0l

Looking forward to the next two months...

Janket tournament with Riona in October, and Pokemon Moon in November...

Pokemon Sun and Moon is coming out soon and I don't feel excited... I'm sad because I can't feel excited.  I started tearing up because I miss that feeling, that feeling of feeling excited, like when I was ten when I got Silver version or 12 when I got Sapphire.

And then I kinda laughed because in my mind, I imagined something dramatic and said doushite, probably because I watched too many Japanese dramas.

Oh, it was my Youtube account's 10 year anniversary yesterday.

Being misguided by my own ego...

I think it's okay, probably everyone else is misguided by their own egos too.

Quick Outline Thing... Because it's what Machiavelli Suggests

Dumb outline reflecting on entertainment I was into over my adult years...  things in parenthesis is real life stuff, ie the maze of relationships  and school related stuff.

2008: Nintendo DS, Kirby Super Star again,  Back to the PS2: Persona 3, Atelier Iris series, Xenosaga.

-(Also when I did well academically.  Had a good friend who lived close by but I suck.)

2009-2012, the Dumb Messiah Complex

2009: Being distracted, Persona 4, Pokemon, Ace Attorney, Back to MapleStory (Sad days), watched KDrama

-(Academic performance declined.  Had fun with the Maxim though with Professor Anker. Had a good friend, was able to make her laugh.  Was also invited to my other friend's birthday.)

2010: FFVIII, Detective Conan, more Nintendo DS, Professor Layton, Boston Celtics

-(Invited to my other other friend's birthday, and also, rethinking what to do... trying to find my identity, leaning on Christianity, Reading Partners, love for Children's lit and teaching revitalized)

2011:  More Nintendo DS, PvP MapleStory Days

-(Clinical experience with ghetto friends, had fun literature subjects, reunited with a good old high school friend, good advice from the Biology professor, and Reading Partners.)

2012: MapleStory PvP friends + ending, being happy for a little while, Replayed SMRPG, Chrono Trigger, FFVII, FFIX, read first Murakami, reread DeathNote

-(New school but changed major immediately... academic performance declined once again, I put myself in a position where I could have never won.  Met up with two old friends from high school, and met a cool girl.  This is also when I started reading a bunch of Japanese literature.)

2013-2016, the Cold Years

2013: Watching and waiting, New MapleStory classes, Twitch.tv, Reading a bunch of Murakami....

-(Changed Major back, cruised through, brother leaving the house towards the end, completed lots of easy classes for the easy degree... Abraham Lincoln and English 19th century Literature.  Stopped talking to cool girl, as well as my other two high school friends, started talking to this Filipino/Mexican other girl, and this other white girl, and another Mexican Tumblr girl a little bit though)

2014:  Still obsessed, Nintendo 3DS, Pokemon X and Alpha Sapphire, Stepmania, Bunch of Stand-up Comedy and waiting... closed in on "the distance."  (Feeling that the waiting was going to be worth it).

-(Professor... forgothernameTigermom with the nice tips, befriended two other Filipino people, some old Viet math guy, and this cool black guy from Zambia.  Friend girl offered me to taste wine out of the same cup as her. Three cool new friends, and towards the end, Professor Sarvasy, philosophy, Telling it Slant... revisting elementary schools.  Ms. Creely and Mrs Newman.)

2015:  Still waiting, PersonaQ, Brain Age 2, One Piece, Full Metal Alchemist, Harry Potter, FFRK, Philosophy lectures, and Reboot MapleStory towards the end

-(Met up with decade long internet friend, met up with another internet friend, and the road trip in all directions with my Dad's side of the family)

2016:  Finally ended it, The Closing of the Three Star Prophecy , Brain Age Concentration Training, stopped MapleStory. Obession with AKB48

-(Back in school, slave morality, blah blah blah...)

Anyways, it looks like I meet up with some really cool people, but my head is always in the clouds.  The clouds being my internet life, and I miss out on cool real life things... I did not enjoy those moments as they happened because I kept on thinking about my life on the internet and how I love certain internet people.  I can only enjoy them looking back.  Or maybe it was because of my head in the clouds.  It's because my heads were in the clouds that I was able to befriend real life people, because I wasn't trying too hard. That could be it, too.

And before all this...

2004: Golden Sun, Discovering the internet, first MMOs, Naruto. 

-(Straight A's but got a B in Physics... the B haunted me my freshman year and beyond.)

2005: MapleStory, Bleach.

-(Kind of had a friend, but did not know how to be one.)

2006: Quasaron

-(First obsessive love, destroyed everything but clinged on to life because of it.)

2007: ZONE

-(Teacher Cadet was fun, I started talking, but everything I said was dumb.)


I think my life started going downhill after being introduced to the internet... I had breakdowns before that though, in Grade 7, when I was 12, but I was still a good student.  I think I was messed up just because I did not know how to handle puberty, so a phase like that was probably normal for everyone.

 I say my life is downhill, because I am really at a position I did not want to be in, Lol.  I could have changed it, I really could have. I need more... courage?  Like what Luffy and JK Rowling encourages.  Which can be achieved by Plato's soul crafting and blah blah blah going out.

I really needed this time of recovery.  I don't feel suicidal at all anymore.  I barely even have thoughts of it.  Anyways, books I've read,  during my times of the closest I've ever been to a recluse.

Books I've read but didn't write anything about it, even though I thought about writing about it...

Reread the entire Harry Potter series.
The Lake
The Bell Jar
The Secret Life of Bees
The Da Vinci Code
Harry Potter and the Cursed Child
The Catcher in the Rye

And there were a couple of books that I opened up and read a couple of passages from... Thus Spoke Zarathustra, The Great Gatsby, The Brothers Karamazov, Selected Writings of Ralph Waldo Emmerson...  this one book about perception and stuf where it gives samples of what other recluses thought of during their experiments as recluses.

And a couple of philosophy lectures... Jean Paul Satre, Camus, Schopenhaur, Buber, Rollo May, Maslow, Heidegger, blah blah Hell is with other people, everyone objectifies everyone, the it and thou blah blah.

Also read a couple of manga.  I completed one, Full Metal Alchemist.  And there There were a couple that I read only a few volumes of, and some where I caught up and stuff... Boku wa Mari, One Piece, Great Teacher Onizuka, Love Hina.

I should be writing how each of these made me feel instead of just listing them, but listing them is a start.  It helps me remember what I actually wanted to remember about them. Actually, I can list some thoughts...

The Da Vinci Code.  Addicting book, but ultimately I think it's just Dan Brown, the author, trying to flirt with all the world's literate women.

The Lake, The Bell Jar, and the Secret Life of Bees.  Well, The Lake was just a therapeautic read throughout, with lots of memorable quotes that I recorded... but didn't remember. It's been almost a year since I read that one actually.  Same as the Secret Life of Bees... and the author is a nurse!  And then the Bell Jar.  I don't know what to think about it, I just read it as it is without thinking about it much.  I got her though, I understood it and all.

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.  Was really meant for a play, not much of a therapeautic read.

The Catcher and the Rye... my favorite read out of whatever I read.  That scene with Phoebe towards the end... where Phoebe tells good old Holden that he doesn't like anything.  And he responds with how he does like some things.  Like Allie, who's dead, and the moment, like that moment when he was talking to Phoebe.  That killed me.

I think I passed through a moment where I got to be the closest I will ever be with someone...

I must stop thinking that something better will exist.  Because it's not.