my last reading partner days.

Today was my last day at Reading Partners.  The kids only asked why.  I should have made up a better excuse.  Like said I got fired.

Anyways, it was sorta solemn.  The site coordinator said see ya, as her last words to me.  I felt like I expected something more... since I did volunteer for three hours every week for three months, and doing it all for charity.  I haven't got a physical tangible award... except an envelope asking for donations.  I helped kids, I guess I should feel a reward in that, but I did not get something for thanks for being here, and you'll be missed kind of message.  I guess this is part of being a good person, and I knew from the start what I was doing.  I wanted to do it out of pure charity and my own good will, but a part of me expected something more.  This is why I'm greedy.

Now that that part of my life has closed, another part of my mind that's occupying time and soul is love.  I think I'm in love with her, and when she mentioned "him" I fell like I was torn apart and there was nothing I can do but sort of laugh it off.  I feel that she is in a deep relationship with another, since the name she calls him is... her spouse... lol.  All I can do is wait.  And my sinister evil plan on meeting her failed.  It was a five step plan, and I couldn't even get to step 1.  Maybe that's why I fail so much.  But then again, they're always in relationships already.  I try to make the girl fall for me before I do anything, but I fails.

 

it's December

And I'm falling in love.

Days from now the coldness in the atmosphere will freeze my shell summoning coldness to my core. Soon my interior will be frozen and I can't get away from it, bringing forth the fifth ice age to my heart.

She seems like someone I'm looking for.

Except, she lies. (But then again, I guess people that are similar to each other are better off with each other.  I lie too!)

I'm only hoping that I don't walk into a person already in a relationship again. And if she is, I hope I find out any second now before its too late.

more doubts.

I'm beginning to think of more negativity towards my decision in becoming a teacher. I do get annoyed by stupid and arrogance but what if it really is me, and not the other person? I was in sorta of a fight with a friend today, and she didn't seem to get it, or it was either me who didn't seem to get it, which left me confused in the end and decided that it's me.  Anyways, either way, I'll be going to be majoring in Liberal Studies in CSUEB.  What's done is done, and I can't really change anything. I visited CSUEB today actually, there are so many young looking people.  I really did forget how people my age are supposed to look like, and I feel so out of place after being in CCC, which were full of old looking people. I'll miss CCC so much.

I also observed how I acted in my visit.  I avoided anyone I saw, and avoided all eye contact, and I did my best to not open my mouth.  This is what happens to me when I'm new to some place.  I feel much more comfortable at CCC.  And I also remember that it took me 7 years to open up a LITTLE in Hercules Mid High.

MapleStory is broken.  Global MapleStory in particular.  The core of the gameplay was the grind and new equipment.  I swear, Maple Story GLOBAL makes all the mistakes.  First MAJOR one, was adding New Leaf City along with % POTIONS.  Without that, I doubt mages would be spamming Genesis, Blizzard, and Meteor.  Regardless, leech was born.  Next came along the keeping of LHC with glitches and leech. AND on top of that, they made the monsters not attack at all.  They could have fixed this by:  Not having % potions at all, and fixing LHC so there are no glitches and monsters do attack.  Because of this, Monster Park is dead.  Honorable mention goes to  Capture the Flag.  This mode is VERY fun, however, when they added this, they should have made more stages, AND kept it the same way it is as in the other modes where people don't die as fast.  Because of this, PVP died and most people who came back to Maple for PVP, left. They should have given better BP rewards in CTF as well.  Classes are totally unbalanced in this mode as well (Dits, ice mages, priests, and battle mages rule the show).

This is not the same MapleStory I remember.  The REAL MapleStory was leveling up and grinding on one map.  The more rested you are, the more addicted and absorbed you are with the game, the more inspired you are by watching and stalking the highest level in the server and working to be like that (vivi), the higher your level would be.  But now, sitting on a rope and letting others kill who have a kajillion dollars to spend on equipment that kills the monsters in one hit is the fastest way to level. This is not the same.  Leveling is not the same.  MapleStory is not the same...

In my eyes, MapleStory died when % and potential equipment stats were introduced.  PVP sorta remedied this upon release, but with the lack of participants and the Global team killing it again, the essence of Maple Story has been nullified.  Anyways, Xeno has reached 185.  I'm thinking about not maxing MapleWarrior, but maxing Explosion instead, so I can team battle at Gladiator to a better potential than I did before.  But since I'm just transitioning from a community college to a University I don't think I'll have time to play.

Tips that I'll record for future reference:  Be in the moment, and maybe others will be in the moment with you.

I'm about to sleep.  I feel like I have to feel bad about something, so I'll sleep with all the bad things to come  in my mind that's going to haunt me in the future: her, being stupid and losing friends, and how I'll never be loved.

I'm going to follow my advice from my English teacher from the summer, and write everyday, even if its just 30 mins.  I can get better by writing everyday.  I miss her, she was a really good teacher.

again.

I wished for it and now I got it back.

I'm falling for someone who will never love me back once again.

At least these thoughts are less self-destructing than facing the real world... at least, for now.  Can't make the same mistakes though, this requires some serious careful planning.

This time, I'm keeping my mouth shut. Work hard, play hard, and keep my mouth shut. I read something like that somewhere.

First rain of November 2011

If everyone had that education, they can only blame themselves for what they have become and no one else.

Life has been the same.  I'm dying in the inside, but I think I'm living strong on the outside.  I know what I'm doing, but I'm not doing what I want, or it's not correct either.  I just feel very far behind, not that this feeling matters though, because I will eventually die, because I want to die, and I'll get what I want.  Maybe if I bury myself in more sadness and thought distortions, I'll finally find that impulse to kill myself.

This quote inspired me today: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. Its not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~Marianne Williamson

so much neglect.

Because of MapleStory.

I don't know when, or how I will come to this end, because I'm sure they'd like to know the truth one day.  But for now, I think it's best to live in the moment and shut my mouth.



The team excluding the starter, Olivia... she's on the third one though.  She's very nice.  I like how we all have different personalities.  Kathy with the dark sense of humor, Amy with the constant LOLs and randomness, May with the straightforward bluntness...



Our perfect win during a lag.  Cooldown attacks owned because of the lag, I can just hold down the owl button and it'll eventually be used somehow, because of lag.  But it didn't lag at the five minute mark.  We were actually against 4 others but one left before he faced the humiliation.



<3

Other than MapleStory, classes are great except Physics.  My teacher talks all over the place, but it's not all bad because I know I don't want to be that kind of teacher. Reading Partners is even better.

I'm learning more about myself.  One of my shy students gets super smart x1000 once she opens up.  Kids just need to be comfortable to be able to learn better, they're not dumb at all.  Why would you put them in a lower division of reading rankings or w/e based on some silly test?  It's all about scanning surroundings and being able to handle thinking while doing so as a child.  Their minds get occupied, and it's not their fault that they would score low, because truly they are really smart and absorb the most information at this young age.

Last week was my cousin's wedding.  I drank 2 glasses of alcohol for the first time, and all I can say is that it tastes nasty and I'll never go out of my way to buy it.  I hope their love lasts forever, even though I was a Tina fan (cousin's ex). I'm always a fan of first loves.

I'm getting lost on and off, but whatever.  I'll figure things out eventually, as long as I have friends and something to do.

It's September.

I'm still here.  There's been so many thoughts that I couldn't think of that I could actually write. They're all jumbled up, so jumbled up I can't even make an outline of it.  I AM going to write something though, sometime.  When I'm not engaged in MapleStory's Capture the Flag.  That game is so addicting.  And I have to study for my first Bio exam tomorrow.

And I think I belong on Xanga.  Wordpress isn't for my kind lol

school starts

And this is what I do the next day:

last day of school today

I got an A-/B+ on my last Essay ^^... I get points knocked down for awkward wording and grammar errors though l0l

Anyways... MAPLE PVP!  So laggy but EXP SO FAST!





I think Mages are just too cheap...

it's coming.

You've done it this time, Jason.  

I've distanced myself from the friends whom I really cared for... the ones I felt like I've listened to, and was honest with my ear.  But there were so many instances where I KNOW I failed them so much.  Due to my own fear, and my lost in trust... which is all ME, and my own fault.

I'll never forget my mistakes either.  Each moment has taken their place in my mind.  First one, 2008, she was alone in the morning with no ride, called me, I went back to sleep.  Second one, I did not sign her attendance.  Hopefully she'll understand that I don't do favors? Oh hell no, did I really think that way back then?!?! How about that time when I said we'll watch the movie... or that time I said I'd let her borrow that book... why did I escape?  Why did I not want to feel vulnerable?  I stopped going to that other class.  And I left again... and I don't keep my promises.  I didn't send her the Nintendo DS games. I don't keep my promises.  Yes, I remember all of those times because it was a time of inner struggle.  I'm afraid of attachment.  I don't want to look like a good guy.  That's it.  I'm a failure and I'm not meant to have close friends.  That's why.  That's why I have no genuine friendships that I see on television, or those friendships that my other close acquaintances have.  I'm not being honest.  In addition to that... I'm avoidant.

Dammit, that quote by that one guy.  I know who I'm talking about but I forgot his name.

That one girl from the Tuesday class did not attend the third week, or last week.  I think she really did get a bad grade, so she dropped it.

And while I'm at it... all I did was love her.  Her friend did not need to go all over my face and say I'm socially inept.  She didn't have to cut ties with me... she didn't have to yell at me that way.  She didn't have to tell all her friends about it.  She could have gave words of encouragement.  That's why it's not worth it anymore.  I know it's her fault from a realistic stand point but why am I blaming everything on myself?  Maybe because if I did things differently everything wouldn't have to turn out this way.

Fuck it, it's her fault.  That's why she's fat.  Shit! Once school is over, I don't know what to do.  Shoot baskets til I drop I guess.  Like a child. And continue my superficial relationships? Yes.  But that's not how I feel. Shit!

<3333 WAT.

Reading e. e. cumming's biography is making me want to be like him.  This is why I hate watching shows, animes, playing games, or reading books.  Or watching videos.  I get this urge to try to be someone else. But I guess it's good.  I am so selfish when I want to do things my own way.

I didn't talk about the cute girl in my Tuesday class yet. I don't know if she is interested in me or whatever, but we had to talk to each other about the lesson the teacher was lecturing on.  We had to make a group of four, and she was next to me so I had to let her be in my group, and then WTF.  She's Filipino, came here three years ago, eats burgers at McDonald's, drinks... lots of Coke, lives with her three friends, doesn't cook, and her dad is from the same town my dad is from, except her dad is still there.  I'm wondering why her family isn't over here.  She works too so I wonder what she works as, and what is she studying for? Anyways, we contacted each other twice in a span of three hours.  I felt that she was looking at me at times but I avoided looking at her because I'm naturally nervous and shy like that despite my confidence and good looks.

I don't know if it's just a Filipino thing, but she first initiated "what is your ethnicity?"  Because when the teacher was calling out names, she somehow got my name.  She said "your last name doesn't match your face!" (not exactly what she said.  And my name sounds Mexican).   Even Filipino people think I'm not Filipino because my eyes are so chinky and my hair is slightly disheveled. She knew I was Filipino somehow, and SOMEHOW she caught my name when the teacher was calling us, and maybe it was just so noticeable when she called my name out, that everyone in my class now knows my name.  I don't know though, because I didn't catch HER name when the teacher called out her name.  I caught her name the second time though.  I LOVE her name.  It doesn't bring any bad memories to me.  And it doesn't start with the same letter as mine.  AND the name is unused in my family so far.

But when class was over, she didn't say bye to me.  I was going to say bye, but she avoided eye contact.  The teacher passed our tests back in the end, maybe she's avoiding the conversation of what she got on it. Because maybe she did bad.

I should avoid this though. This is bad.  My grades drop, my interests in everything else drop.  When I feel infatuated. And if this develops to LOVE, then heartbreak after, I go on a standby recharge mode for an entire year. But then again, I've only felt LOVE or whatever online.  I think I can handle it if it's a person to person thing.  I will NOT add her on Facebook, MSN, or AIM.  It has to be a phone number.  OMG what if I stare at my phone then. OKAY.  I'll just sit next to her and get to know her in the next class... only three class days left unfortunately.

it's late.

So I got an A in my English paper so I'm not afraid to write anymore! L0l

But the downside of getting an A... is that feeling of celebration, that I feel like I can do it again, but I'm not doing anything that'll guarantee that I will  get that again.

My assignment now is to write about E. E. Cummings.  So far, the most important highlights I've read about him was that he has an amazing father who cared for the lower class people even though he had a Harvard education, he likes elephants and animals, he was a painter, he kept his sexual fantasies a secret when he was an emerging teen, his mom was amazing in recording everything about him, he lived in a happy setting, and he was bad at math.  But he was at the top in history and english.  Must be with the help of his parents of course.

Now my opinion about him.  He's the definition of a man.  He had an incredible aura that brought the best out of people.  He wasn't awkward like me, only his writing is unconventional and different.  He's such a good person that if he co-existed with Emily Dickinson, he could have made her outgoing.  I have to read more though.  I'm on page twenty something, 500 more pages to go!

I'm a loser in Pokemon.  My weakness: Water Pokemon, and floating dark Pokemon.

And I've been getting back into MS again.  Love the new maps, but I finished the quests that I can actually do, and now I'm bored of it. My wrists hurt really badly so I'll stop here.

Family Comes First

I've been neglecting to write on this for awhile.

Maybe because I've developed a fear of writing since I'm not doing so well in my English class LOL but meh I deserve what I get because I know where I did wrong:  I'm not re-reading what I write, and I impulsively choose topics that are so difficult for me to write about.  When I write, I pause after each word... then I wait for epiphany, epiphany, and bam, that's what I do.  My writing is just a series of epiphanies.

I'm beginning to doubt my major.  Again.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm feeling so behind, and I think I've always been behind since I started high school.  Now I'm going into my fourth year of college.  And I'm STILL lost.  I don't know what I should be doing.  I don't know what I'm meant to be doing.  And I don't know what I feel like doing except that I know I should be doing something.

I'm getting scared of everything.  Scared of growing, scared of getting weak, scared of losing, scared of the future, scared of driving.

My posts are supposed to be evolving into global or social issues... it shouldn't be about me anymore.  I should be past that stage now... but I'm still struggling with this stage.  My identity. I keep thinking of the past and I shudder.  I get a heart jerk.  Or a mind jerk.  I hate it.

Pokemon's not helping me move forward.  But it certainly does help me cope with everything.

Maybe I should just start working.  Though I'll feel even more behind.  Jason, a CNA, when I could have been an RN at this time.

What happened to" everyone dies at the end?" Those words of comfort are not words of comfort.  I could have been making more money.

Is that my conclusion... that life's all about money?  Maybe it's because I've been around my family too long.  My family LOVES money. And Family Comes First.

Reorganization

Starmie- Water/Psychic

Heracross- Bug/Fighting

Cradily- Rock/Grass

Drapion- Dark/Poison

Excadrill- Ground/Steel

And... TEN KAY DREAM POINTS.

CNA

Yesterday I officially became a certified nursing assistant.  I'm going to miss my classmates. Unfortunately the person I helped didn't pass, so I guess it was all for naught.  And I wont' be talking to her again.  She must feel really bad.  I'm so happy for my other friend who passed.  He thought he wouldn't though because he's a slacker and an alcoholic.  Hope he does well.

Now I can concentrate on my real career- studying to be an elementary teacher l0l.

Elementary school sites feel so nostalgic.  So, REFRESHING.  And I miss Reading Partners.  Being a teacher might have a different feel to it since they'll see me everyday. And that the kids will be AGAINST me.  So as a first impression I have to be an ass.  But have a sense of humor.  A humorous ass.  I'll go for it.  The degree.  And after that, I'll do whatever it takes to find a job.  Most jobs require being bilingual. I guess I have to improve my Spanish.  Ironically enough, I dropped Spanish for Teacher Cadet.

I envision myself teaching in a ghetto class, and raising their API score.  I get intimidated by nice looking schools with well-mannered children.  But I guess I'll teach with whatever I get though.  Wherever I can get experience.  And if I can't find a job, I have to get my Master's degree while working as a CNA or a job that is related to teaching.

What is my goal in life.  I guess it is to fight depression.

Semester 6 comes to a close.

Tomorrow is my last final of Semester 6.  The Answer chapter in my life, I guess.

College Chronicles (since I'm an organizing freak):

Semester 1:  Work Ethic, change of goals.  Semester 2:  Getting Lost again.

Semester 3:  Love.  Semester 4:  Conclusion of Love.

Semester 5:  Rebuilding.  Semester 6:  The Answer.

Semester 7's title for now... A New Beginning?!?!?

So I guess my life is kind of normal and not all blurry.

I was thinking of something, and then I was thinking of something else.  And then I wanted to think back to the thing I was thinking of before, but I could not think what I was thinking of before anymore. So anyways, I've been listening to LECRAE.  Christian rap, however, I zone out of the lyrics and my body entrances with the beat.  Too bad I don't get the messages of the song unless I look them up on Google.

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And now I present to you my level ups for the weekend. (I sprained my foot so I couldn't work out)







I got my PRIDE on LOW.  FAITH on HIGH.
turn-turn the treble up, bass on high

My training schedule:  Archer to 110.  Thunder Breaker to 110.  Mage to 170.  Hermit to 120.  Archer to 120.  Thunder Breaker to 120. OMG I love mindless activities and then mindful activities and then back to mindless activities again.

Fantasy Tennis

This is what I've been up to the past week.

FANTASY TENNIS.

I lost 3 straight in DOUBLES.

And then figured it wasn't my kind of play.

I play ALONE!!!


I SWEPT him in our four matches.  So now my record is like 4 wins and 5 loses.  I won 4 straight!  This Skalid guy was part of that doubles team that beat me and this other random guy.

FINALLY something to boast about.

Random thoughts of the week:  Have I've been living only to impress people?  All this self sacrificing and degrading my ego to impress people?  Do people even realize that I'm doing it intentionally?  Or am I doing it because of a good heart?  I highly doubt that it's my heart.  Maybe I just want to be different.

Do we only live to gain pleasure and avoid pain?  I've been attracted to pain quite lately however the result makes me want to die, so I guess we have to avoid this pain to not die?  What's wrong with dying anyway, since other people die.  Another thought is, why couldn't we be built like Jimmy Neutron, like having a flashy brain blast thing when we think of an epiphany or something.  Perhaps its because that epiphany wasn't really much of a realization but a random thought that is meant to be forgotten?

The more you get stressed, is it easier to cope with?  The more you fall out and in love is it easier to fall out?

If someone's opinion is the same as your's on a certain subject, would you agree with the same opinion?  How about if that other person's opinion is different on the same subject but common grounds?  Would you think that person has the right answer?  I bet I would search for a reason to agree with.

Maybe if I age more I'd have more answers than questions.

My next entry is my heartbroken story of The Unanswered Call Light.  Then again, I never follow up on entries that I say I would write about.

neg rep for this.

"So I am planning to be a Nurse Assistant because from my other thread I mentioned I am dumb as a brick so I need a easy high security job heh heh.. How is the market demand for a nurse Assistant and is being a Nurse Assistant easier than being a computer scientist?"

Since I cannot muster up the courage to reply to this post at a certain forum, I will list my reasons why I negative rep'd this post.

First of all, this person mentions being dumb, and planning to becoming a Nurse's Assistant.  You do not correlate both of those together.  Nurses Assistants are not dumb.  Maybe the path to be one is simple and straightforward, but the actual work is tiring mentally and physically.  You have to think quick at the spur of the moment.  Dumb people make bad decisions.  Bad decisions lead to ineffective care.  Not only that, but along with your intelligence, you must cope with being put down all the time. You just cannot make a mistake in care, and one minor mistake can cost awfully a lot.

The mental fatigue comes from the degredation of your own ego.  If you have an egotistical personality deep inside, you might feel hurt.  The Nurse's Assistant is at the very bottom of the status chain, and you won't feel prestigious in the team.  You won't feel the power, even though their role is an important part.  You'll also have to take shots from the clients themselves.  Of course, don't take anything personally, but still hurt hurts for awhile.  You'll get your hand slapped for being too slow.  If you were dumb you can't take it. My definition of dumb may be different, but mine is that dumb people complain and lose their cool quickly.

The physical tiredness should be self explanatory.  All the work is physical, walking around for eight hours, lifting, talking.  And you use your five senses in a difficult way.  You smell the poop.  You touch the poop AND the butt.  You SEE the poop.  You hear HEEELP HEEELP HEEELP left and right.  And you TASTE the bitterness of disparage.

It takes a lot of love and understanding to be an efficient caregiver.  Time management, good attitude, and everything else at their best, I believe, creates the best nursing team.  The goal is to improve the person's health to their best possible condition, and you do that by being strong and taking whatever your teammates or clients throws at you.  Please don't coming into this just for wanting to work just for a high security or calling themselves dumb going into this job. Sorry, but your attitude just perks me, especially going into a field like this one.

-

Yup, not replying because he's, or she's, not even asking about a review or whatever I said.  Only asking for the demand.  Thus my reply would be quite irrelevant.

Hell yeah, standing up for myself! I guess I should have said it nicer though.  If this person asking was a client however, I would say it nicer of course.

bad weather.

I feel so lost again.  Perhaps its the weather.  It has been cold and numb lately.  Maybe its my diet.  I ate chicken with macaroni and cheese.

Or perhaps it was yesterday's event.  There are just some people that irritate me.  The people who irritate me tends to be those that are rude and less understanding. Those who don't understand sarcasm.  And its my fault for making my sarcasm sound too sincere, as in I'm really stupid.  Maybe I am stupid since I talk sarcastically on impulse as well.  My humor has got to stop.

It's not only that but I feel like I have a reputation to feel perfect in every way and I'm not fulfilling it.  I found myself missing the strange people that actually do understand yet not wanting to be around them.  And I've wondered, why do I always repel myself from people who seem weird.  I like people who just gets it.  And those are the people I'm willing to help.  I abhor losing my temper at the most inappropriate times, and I did, but I did not say anything bad.  I was a little shaken up.  That's what got me thinking.  If I get shaken up now, how much will I be shaken up when I'm with children?  I've been shaken up with them before.  I should stop trying to get them to think of how I'm thinking though.  I have to understand them so that I flip to their page instead of them flipping to mine I guess.

How come I see people my age as kids?  I love adults, the elderly, and children.  The people I don't like the most are my age (even though I can't really tell how old they are, they just look like a high schooler).

Then I thought about love.  It's amazing how a strange person can understand me just by looking at me for half a second. I guess most people's problems are the same as everyone else's, which helps connect the world.

Nothing has meaning except for the meaning we choose to give it. That stood out to me, I wonder why it's so difficult to live life with a meaning.  Guess I have to give my life its meaning.  Why am I catering to others instead of myself?  Why do I dream of becoming rich and successful and envied or whatever when I really don't?  What should I follow?  Then I stumbled upon another quote, that its how we act to our thoughts that matters most.  I guess I'm doing that okay.  But I can't help but feel a bit down.

I did almost everything to feel a bit better actually.  Got home, ate.  Played MapleStory with my brother and best friend.  Went to sleep.  Woke up feeling bad again.  Played some basketball.  Felt relieved a bit.  And after writing now I feel a bit better actually.

Was that all I have been thinking of last night?  There's the load of work I have to do, and my future plans.  I think what hurts me most is figuring out what I want to do but having doubts that stand right in front of me.  I really think they can be fixed but it'll be extremely difficult.  I have to stop that shaking and I have to remain calm and normal.  No jokes.

A few days ago... I felt a draft.  A draft of a sign that's begging me to fulfill what I wanted to do but having doubts that it'll end up with disaster.  It's been a year but I was amused of how this turned out to be:

I have the same eyes as her too. LOL I used my random haircut coupon I got for free from a quest. I didn't take a screenshot of how I look exactly like her except for the hair color, but I'm okay with that.

Anyways, as an attempt to not think about her, I dressed up in disguise.

Disguise one, the glasses.

Disguise number 2- the helmet.

I prefer disguise 1 though.  I like being reminded of her actually. This was timing for that May 8 anniversary break l0l. And I guess this is the true closure in that it has ended and I'll do my best to not think about it anymore. Notice my transition from her to it now.

I haven't properly introduced my Thunder Breaker though.  It's Exbiodia, created when the Cygnus Knights first arrived.  I laid her to rest when I started another Cygnus, my Wind Archer.  Now because of the Empress's blessing and Xeno's need for more accuracy, and with Empresses blessing increasing the accuracy of Xeno, I've woken Exbiodia up and now I'm level 71.

Wow blogging releases so much steam.  I have to keep this up and remember that blogging is another option and it is a must do for everyday.

I hope I win that scholarship.  I'm having doubts now since I'm not informed.  I need to get a new DS because my fold part of my DS Lite is broken... it needs to rest as well.  It's getting tired.

Edit:  I think I've been only feeling bad because I have been procrastinating on my blog.  Yup, that's it!

one week from today...

Is the "</3"  anniversary. She said she never wants to talk to me again. I said I loved her. Thump thump thump...



My own judgement time will be in a week from now.  Til' then, I'm only going to say that I did not finish Final Fantasy VIII, and I've started a file on Xenogears.  This line of thought has nothing to do with the subject but it probably does because I might be playing this game as well, one week from today. Maybe I can finally lay my opinion to rest, er I mean STFU of my beliefs that love exists. The evidence is there, but I'm just stupid.  So stupid, and I'll wait another week, that final week until I know for real, that this belief is verified by my own set of conditions.  This has started stupid.  And this will end stupid.

I've started playing MapleStory again, for just a little bit.  My friend is finally leveling her main character, and I partied with her for less than 30 minutes, so it was a fun kickback hour... time... less than an hour time, whatever.  Moment, yeah  that was the word I was trying to think of and yeah I think while I type because my thoughts come and go so fast.  In real life my mind goes so fast that my voice can't keep up resulting in a: asdfjkl;, asdfjkl;.  Notice that I repeat the same  sequence of combined letters.  Anyways back to MapleStory, I've still yet to attempt a screen shot on MS with this new computer.

Played basketball against my bro for the first time since Christmas.  I was literally making all my shots, plus getting back on defense.  I think I'm so good and that I can beat anyone.  l0l.  But whatever, I need more stamina though, and that's where DDR comes in.

It's Spring time in Pokemon.  I need three more, Buneary, Driftloon, and Glameow, which I'd cop in the dream world.  I currently have 6500 dream points.  I need 1k more to be able to find them.

That is all.

PS Liberal Arts majors look WEIRD.  I am starting to feel offended. And more superficial than I thought.

Getting Away

I had a bad dream last night, and I was almost in tears, that Spurs lost to the Memphis Grizzlies.  Spurs are not my favorite team, and neither do I hate the Grizzlies.   So when I woke up I was kind of dazzled as to why I felt that way.  After watching the game, that dream became a reality, except I did not cry, but I felt really saddened.  It's not because I wanted them to win, that I felt sad, but it's because they were the top seed against the last seed in the first round of the playoffs.  I've watched them play and work so hard, reaching the top.  Knowing that they could possibly be the champion.  I looked up to their work ethic... only to falter towards where it really counts.  I'm sad that I'm scared of failing.  Trying so hard, accomplishing so many things as life goes on.  But towards the end, failing on the thing that mattered most.  That's why I woke up, almost in tears.  Working so hard and failing in the end is what I'm afraid to do.  It happened once, in a love story that won't leave my mind and heart, I thought pain would strengthen me.  I think it does, it's not making me any weaker.  But the anxiety it causes is what brings me a bit down.  It's making me terrified. And it's not an at the moment scared, like when you know your presentation is coming up in one minute. It's the scare and worry of the future and uncertainty that would last so long without a set time.

I think my stamina is going down.  I couldn't pass Hard Core of the North on 9 foot on ITG today.  I need to eat balanced meals, I know I'm lacking greens and fruits.

I finally passed the Multi Battle subway.  My Sapphire Battle Tower team that got me 60+ consecutive wins did the job.  Salamence and Metagross, both with completely wrong natures and IVS (Salamence has Attack in BLUE), but they got the job done nonetheless.



The girl who was hitting on me who I have no feelings whatsoever is in the same clinical as me now.  I'm scared to death.  Her background, she is scary, in her upper twenties, really hood, talks really hood, and is shunned by the normal people, and it seems like she shuns them first with her natural angry loud blunt attitude.  I used to look forward to clinical knowing that I'm with a good group of people and away from her.  I used to be okay having two days of class with her, and now it's four.  She's nice and all, and she smiles when she sees me and I feel good that I'm being nice to someone who has problems but I don't like having real connections to people in general.  Let alone I want to be with people that I feel like I want to be with.  I'm that selfish. Anyways, we didn't really hang out together due to me talking to the other group members.  When class ended, I went to the bathroom hoping she would have left already.  I exit the bathroom and she's still there.  Oh shit. I said bye and smile, then I walked out the building, calling my mom to pick me up.  Oh shit oh shit,  mom said she was having a haircut.  She can't pick me up.Fuck fuck fuck I know that this would take forever. the fastest I ever did, across the street, cars were passing by.  I had to get to the other side, to sit down behind the sign on the bench chairs invisible to her eye that would be in the other street.  I started walking, unaware of a car in the right side.  It stopped instead of moving, and I was pretty hesitant because I wanted that car to go first, but then I thought it's my turn since I already started crossing the street so it was my right of way.  I rushed to the other side, thinking in fear.  What if she pops her head out of the bushes oh shit oh fuck I don't want to be around her. And right then at that moment, I thought fuck being nice. It's hurting me and I'm scared to death.  I realized I hate connections, as to why I probably have no close friends in the first place.

I'm okay with having no friends like that, but I'm really glad I have friends whom would let me pop into their lives once in awhile.  And then leave, and come back. My friends are my friends forever, even if it means they aren't close.  I'm glad that I helped her though, she would have probably never smiled in class, and she would have probably been kicked out if it wasn't for me.  She praises me for helping her out, and I'm okay I did it.  But ever since she started hitting on me, she crossed the line.  Now I know how she must have felt, and I'm never going to be clingy ever again.

One of my team members is having relationship problems, in her mid forties.  I guess the pains of love is so strong. I looked up to her for her sarcasm attitude and strength.  I never knew she would falter out of the effects of "love."  She's in the process of divorcing and she's seeing another guy who we're both skeptical about, and she says I'm right, after my analytical observations on what she said and she thanked me.  I know she knows that he's no good but the heart easily overpowers the mind.  I'm glad I can help a bit. And I'm glad that I like what I have said.  She said the guy is nice, but he has all these other problems with the law and his other two wives.  And my response?  That everyone can be nice.  And that it is SO easy to be nice.  I think its true, and I felt good with this future hall of fame quote I have said.

Easter Accomplishment

I haven't watched a single Gundam series, but my dad purchased a Wing Gundam Zero MobileSuit XXXG-00W0 MG model at the airport.  I built it on Easter, my first model ever.  It was the one where you just have to snap the pieces together, no painting or gluing required.  I enjoyed the construction process, and I might add it to my current plethora of  novice level hobbies that I pursue.  I already have a Gundam GP03S EFSF Attack use prototype Mobile Suit underway, as soon as my bro does whatever he needs to do with the box.



I had a strange dream that a balanced diet and exercise improves mental hygiene.  Mental hygiene meaning being clean but feeling dirty. I have a slight obsession where I'd feel dirty even after taking a shower, which would bother me for the entire day until I take a shower, and when I'm bothered like that I could feel my moodiness.

You know what kind of quality I look for in girls now?  Artsy girls!  I want to bring her in to teach my future fifth grade class how to do some kind of art shit.

Easter 2011

I found an Aerodactyl while exploring the sky.  I decided to cop it once I found out it was a female with Stealth Rock, rather than picking up the Hoppip, Sunkern, and Sentret I found prior to that meeting.  I already have an Aerodactyl, but I thought about it, and I'd be getting a new Pokemon everyday anyways, why not just take my time and get Pokemon that looks cool?  Anyways, Aerodactyl might be the last double I'd get since I only have seven boxes left.  I actually need to own Hoppip, Sunkern and Sentret to fill up my Pokedex (Seen 641, own 636)

Beacuse of my inconsistencies in Reading Partners, I've agreed to become a substitute.  I'm doing it out of my own charity, so my parents are a bit disappointed in me since I'm not getting paid.  I think they'd rather have it that I drop it completely.  I think I should, too, so I can focus on my CNA program. The anxiety of becoming a teacher now is officially killing me, and I HAVE to find ways to relax now.  Pokemon isn't cutting it since my boxes are full and I don't want to release any Pokemon, and if I can't do that, how can I search for the right Pokemon with the right IVs?  BTW, I'm leaving my DW Pokemon in the Entralink forest for now.

Nothing much has been happening, except I got motivation to build this Gundam my dad bought me from some place, as he went overseas for two weeks.

Anxiety of the future has been killing me.  It really has.  And I'm having my doubts of being a teacher.  I'm getting pulled into nursing just because I love old people. Maybe I'll settle and be a CNA l0l.  CNA with a Liberal Arts degree.

Not so Lost

I keep thinking that my past three years at college was unfruitful.  I did not gain anything out of it, and my life wasn't progressing.

But no matter what happens, life progresses as time progresses.

College chapters:

1st year- Identity

Thinking what I want to do, but not really wanting to do it, and feeling empty.

2nd year- Love

It is what it is. Mind over heart.

3rd year- Resolution

Experiences with the elderly, rediscovering my passion for teaching. The solution to love.

Before, my depression was about what was currently happening to me.  But now it's all anxiety and uncertainty of the future.  Just gotta pound my chest and follow my schedule.  Keepin my room clean and organized. Staying groomed.

and OMFG, just lost my 21st battle on Multi-Train, and it's not even super multi... only Durant left with like 1 HP in the end before it iron headed Sawk.

My team:

Hydreigon- Modest/Alert to Sounds- equipped with Expert Belt

DarkPulse/DragonPulse/FlameThrower/U-Turn, and

Garchomp- Lonely/Often Dozes off- equipped with Dragon Fang

Earthquake/DragonClaw/FireFang/Stone Edge

Hilda had a Reuinicleus or whatever it is, with Focus Blast, Psychic, and some other two moves that I forgot.  And a Sawk with Earthquake.

That House.

Instead of writing about my past experiences at my first Clinical rotation, I will try my best to stay current.  I can't relive the same feelings I have felt that would have enabled me write about my first Clinical rotation's experience, but I will remember it.  And it's an experience that I would forever cherish in my heart.

A man has lost hope.  He claims that he wants to die.  Yet his presence has sparked my soul.  The elderly may generally think that they do not have any purpose to breath, feeling incompetent to themselves and others. However, they are still people in my mind, and every single person can create an impact.  People may have different views to live, like most of the people, and the elderly, in that their role in life is to raise their children, and work until their physically and mentally tired, or disabled by nature's will.  I don't know what I'm saying anymore, but I think everyone has the right to live, no matter if they're disabled, evil, or crazy, or whatever.  I enjoyed my time at this facility.  It was so refreshing, interacting with people with dementia, and disabilities.  It was a calming experience.  It made me forget my personal troubles, even though I was having trouble at the facility, the disappearance of my own personal troubles exceeds normal trouble.

I got to experience real history.  The elderly, this is everyone's final result that we can witness that will happen to us.  We will get old.  But we will still live, and we have to live our best.  Being a CNA has reminded me that everyone needs help.  Whether its the elderly, or young kids, everyone wants to be helped in life, and everyone wants to feel good.  MV, my favorite, who I first fed, who was suffering from depression, was still living.  Pushing after four years. Paralyzed.  Waiting to die.  Checking off "It is not wonderful to be alive."  What do you do when it's not wonderful to be alive?  Naturally, we can't kill ourselves, but we have to live somehow.  During that time in between death and the ignition of depression, what do we do? I'm not trying to say that only certain people touch my lives, they all do.  DT also said he wanted to die.

Before entering a resident's room, a picture of them, usually, of what they looked like when they were younger, accompanies the room number. Seeing their picture when they were younger was also a gift of fascination this facility offered.  My first weeks in here, was truly emotionally draining.  That these people, who say HALP, I NEeD TO PEE, IS THERE CAKE? , used to be out of this facility.  They used to walk in the streets, and can comprehend what's around them, and are like everyone else.  But they change.  I wonder if people with dementia are really conscious, but it's just their outer self acting.  And the true "person" really doesn't know what he's doing in the outer world, but inside, they feel the same as everyone else who isn't diagnosed with "dimentia".

Anyway, back to DT.  I would feed him, and rub his back if he fell asleep while I was feeding him.  I took him to the bathroom when he needed to go, answered his call lights even though my heart dropped.  His family was there, his daughter and son one time, and he said IT'S MY BUDDY when I answered the call light.  I felt so happy and good about myself that I was called his buddy.  I felt like I was the only person who was doing the best to give the best possible experience. And maybe that's what I'm looking for in life.  To do something no one else can do, so I try my best to be better than everyone, because no one can be better than the best, and ew I sound so arrogant, but it's the truth.  I did the same sort of back rub in Bingo to O.  She would always yell at people, spit at people, and throw her drinks at people.  But she was sitting, closing her eyes and I rubbed her back while placing the chips on their respected spots on the Bingo board.  And when I had to go, she said thank you.  For breakfast, she eats in the room where unconscious looking-people go to be fed, yet she said thank you and smiled, which made me feel good.  And I know that she was alert when I did what I did because she looked at ease when I calmed her.

I'll never forget Mr. C who needs to P.  MV, who I can most relate to.  Professor L and his History channel, MA and her thoughts, my buddy DT, O's smile and teeth.  I did not see it, but one of my friends in my clinical would say that he would rub his wedding band, and smile or look sad.  His wife died a few years ago.  Nursing Homes are so emotionally draining.  It's like a different world like no other.   However, it's a satisfying sort of emotional draining.  Like raising kids.  I haven't raised kids yet, but we do it anyway no matter how tiring it is.  I only regret not documenting my experiences every single time I've spent there.  The new facility where I'm at, is alright.  I'm getting used to it.  I brought a lady milk, since she used the signal light to call and ask for milk, and she said thank you.  But before that, me and my friend were talking to her.  And that lady was hitting on me.  Oh well.

Today's my brother's birthday, and I was invited to a friend's birthday tomorrow but I can't make it.  GO NEW ORLEANS HORNETS.

Dream World

Transferred all my Pokemon Diamond, Platinum, and White Pokemon to Black.

Just need to transfer all of SoulSilver.

I only need these:  Hopip, Sunkern, Sentret, Buneary, Glameow, Murkrow, Staravia,Driftloon, and a few legendaries.  Though, I'll locate and befriend the non-legendaries in the Dream World.

I can't access the Dream World for some reason, so I missed out on three days.

Pokemon BW

So lyke my six Pokemon of Black version are almost 100!

Archeops- Lv 94, Lilligant- Lv94, Krookodile- Lv94, Hydreigon- Lv95,  Volcarona-Lv94, Emboar- Lv95

Though my original 6 consisted of a Victini (55), Gigalith (35), Unfezant (35), and Vanniluxe (70).  I had like 12 in rotation because it was so easy to level them up.

I still need to transfer my Thundurus from Pokemon White so I can get Landorus.

I'm leaving my Pokemon White right before the first run at the Elite 4 just because I want to see Ghetsis and N again.

Bisharp- Lv56, Golurk Lv56, Leavanny-Lv56, Victini- Lv56, Samurott- Lv56, Thundurus- Lv50 (going to replace with Zekrom)

Just realized I didn't blog about Pokemon Black/White at all... just Pokemon in general because I have finished Black that day I started talking about my official battling team thing.

Pokemon Dream World is fun... but it just costs too much Berries.  I'm leaving Carl, my Vanniluxe, tucked in.

I got a Glaceon in that befriend a Pokemon game ^^

Spring Break starts.

INFP

Taking this test: http://www.personalitytest.net/cgi-bin/q.pl

My personality is INFP.  I landed an INTJ in the other one I took.  hMmmMM.

And comparing the two, I think I'm more of an INFP.  But I also like the experimenting part of INTJ.

Actually, the "good writer" part of an INFP makes me more of a NOT INFP.

EDIT: INFP IS SUCH A GIRL.  When someone asks, I'm an INTJ.

dislikes list.

-When people in my memory forget memories that I cherish. I guess it'll sadden me to befriend the elderly who'd forget a lot... and babies.

I miss Chaparral.  I think I'd want to volunteer there.  I'll edit this later with my memories.

whatdoIdowhatdoIdo

So I've been nice to this one girl in class, and she keeps reminding me how she thinks about me all night and now I think she's hitting on me BUT I don't like her and I just want to help her but I don't like her like that and what if I reject and she beats me up or haunts me for the rest of my life OMFG help.

Why am I cursed with such a great personality and good looks.

Now I know how it feels to be the heart breaker, and now I know how she possibly felt OMFG. Like what Iris would say, I am such a child.

IF ONLY I LIED.  I should have said I have a girlfriend and I SHOULD have said that I had a girlfriend (because having a girlfriend before makes me unattractive methinks).

Thinking of that, she doesn't think about me at all either so WTF my wasted thoughts.

Pokemon Team Update

Glaceon

Magmar

Altaria

Liligant

Typhlosion

Charizard

... I think I have too much Fire Pokemon though.  And I do like Magmar more than Magmotar... if I'd take a Pokemon out, it would be Charizard. And I forgot about my Swampert.  Hm.

Maybe it'll be:  Tyhlosion, Swampert, Altaria, Glaceon, Liligant, Magmar

Would have been cool to have:  Zoroark, Gallade, Volcarona or Lucario though.  I'm lacking a Physical Attacker... and a Physical Defender.

If I add in Volcarona, I'd take out Typhlosion.  But that would tamper with my "one Pokemon from each generation" OCD.

Anyways before I start seriously thinking about this, I have to complete my Pokedex.  So far:

Missing in Pokemon Diamond:

151: Mew

207: Gligar

213: Shuckle

216: Teddiursa

217: Ursaring

228: Houndour

229:  Houndoom

234: Stantler

249: Lugia

273: Seedot

274: Nuzleaf

275: Shiftry

303: Mawile

335: Zangoose

381: Latios

383: Groudon

472: Gliscor

492: Shaymin

493: Arceus

And I eliminated with Strikethrough those found in my SoulSilver game.

I'll also omit the evolved Pokemon.  Mawile and Shuckle were copped in my Black,  so that leaves me with:

207: Gligar In Platinum

273: Seedot

492: Shaymin

493: Arceus

My Diamond version also says I have a Jirachi... but I looked in my PC and no Jirachi!

EDIT: Caught Seedot.  Just need Arceus, Shaymin, and Jirachi... and another DS to trade!

Pokemon Team

I'll compose a team of my favorite Pokemon rather than computing the percentages of what other people might use as their team and exploiting their weaknesses.

Glaceon, Magmotar, Gallade, Typhlosion, Liligant, Swampert.

Looks like its going to be a sunny day team.

I'm not sure about Tyhlosion and Swampert yet though.

Honorable mention:  Charizard, Metagross, Salamence, Victini

For sure I must have Glaceon and Magmotar.  They are my favorites.

Been Awhile But I'm Still Battling Moving Fast While You're Still Prattling

SO much to write about.

- Golden Sun Dark Dawn

- Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors, and the whole wireless networking and how people may be connected AND scary mummy lady.

- CNA CLINCALS- loving my residents, treating dementia, FEEDING, LOVING, and MORE LOVE.

- Pokemon Black, ICE CREAM, COFFIN, finished, Volcarona=THUGMA + sexy female protagonist butt sticking out throwing the Pokeball

-Grandpa's Death Anniversary, NICK NAME JASO, WAN, BABYSITTING my nephews FAITH, Kaylynn, Victoria, Isaiah, BEING A HATED COUSIN.

- MORE Pokemon

- Cute girl, ugly hairstyle.

-BEING CALLED AN INSPIRATION?!?!

- Good Teacher?  Getting Starbursts.

It's piling up and I'm getting overwhelmed.  Maybe I won't write about what I want to write about after all, seeing that I did skip writing about my cousin's wedding on June.

hope boston loses.

They used to be my favorite team, until what they did to Perkins, Daniels, Erden, and Harangody.

Every day I watch all their games because they are just so fun to watch.  And now the Boston executives traded Erden to the CAVELIERS.  Erden, who started for them for a few games.  Erden, the 7'0" rookie from t00rkey who can dunk.  Erden, the Pencil. Harangoody who works hard. Harangoody, who likes to shooty shooty.  Harangoody, who likes that foody foody.  And there's Daniels, JUST BECAUSE HE GETS INJURED GETS TRADED.  Daniels, the guy who is doing good for his city.  Such a charitable young fellow.  Helping out the youth.  He was so good in defending and finding open shots. WTF CELTICS LEADER TRADING EXECUTIVE MONEY PEOPLE, WTF!

Perkins worked so hard to recover from surgery to fight with Boston. But noOooOO, traded to the THUNDER.  But I guess Thunder would be really good now with him.  He's their missing piece.  GO THUNDER.  THUNDER SAUCE, WHAT TIME IS IT? KD TIME, YEAH!

AND I HOPE DENVER wins more games than NYK from now until the end of the season kthx.

opened up my FB l0l.

I have this compulsive thing where all my activities listed must have a picture, and must be five in each row for a perfect square.  I listed Lily Allen as part of "Music" and damn I love her songs, it hits home and I generally agree with her lyrics, plus she has that jazzy voice which I love singers to sing like.



So if people like Lily Allen's songs, they should be able to relate to me more since I like her songs.  She is popular, so I don't feel that alone anymore.

Changed my major too on my FB.  From Nursing to Libral Arts. Or Liberal Arts or whatever.

I helped tutor one of my classmates.  She said she thought of me all night the next day o.0 but she got a 91% on the test, so YEAY I feel like I'm a better teacher thing.  SO I guess I'll be a teacher l0l. And now my other seatmate wants me to teach her too L0L.

I talked to my counselor, and now I'm encouraged to become a Liberal Arts Major.  I guess I feel a better spark to it now, and I feel a lot more motivated.  As long as its not nursing.  The thought of majoring in nursing felt so mundane and uninspiring.  I don't know if its the fact that there are so many nurses in my family, or that the job itself looks tiring and not worthwhile.  You give medicine to people, and you have to talk to people.  Medicine created by the real people that helps people who are Medical Researchers.  Why did I think about being a nurse anyways, I want to be stable?  My thoughts shifted and being stable in life doesn't matter actually.  What does being stable do?  It makes you stable!  And predictable, safe, plus woman like stable men I guess.  It's good for the children too, my future kid's health plan.

But what if we live.  And we die.  It's the same thing.   We're all going to die.  We're all going to end up the same.  That's already predictable! So if A=B, and C= B, A should equal C! So if nursing path is predictable, and if dying is predictable, nursing should equal dying! Even if the nursing path is dying, it's all good because we all die anyway!  But do I want to die?  Sort of, to get it over with.  AH, that's it, my will to live kicks in, thus I want to live, so I don't choose nursing.

So now I'm back to the beginning, readying my 4.0.  I should look for a tutoring job, but now I must apply to CSU East Bay.  Liberal Arts Major, WRAAH.

Now I remember what I wanted to blog about all weekend.  A GOLDEN SUN DARK DAWN review.

short weekends.

Since I think I've lost interest in MapleStory because of all the Potential equips and godly damage everyone else has except me, I've been playign around my Ipod and downloaded a few apps. Played Bloons Tower Defense 4 Saturday.  And now I've been looking into Hyperdimension Neptunia for the PS3, and I'm feeling so behind on the current generation of games.

When I get a PS3, I need Atelier Annie, that game, Ar Tonelico 3, Cross Edge, Marvel VS Capcom 3, FF XIII, Disgaea 3, and those other junks that I wanted before.  I think there was an RPG about Chopin which I think I'd want to try.

But I won't get a PS3 once Xenoblade/Monad has its official release date, and I'll be getting a Wii instead.

I'm currently playing my DS, alternating between Lufia Curse of the Sinistrals and Golden Sun Dark Dawn, both of which I started today.   I think I'll just start the games, but I'll continue finishing up Diabolical Box.  I think I'm stuck in the forest with some lantern lighting question.

On console, I've been playing Street Fighter Alpha 3 often, and now I want to replay the Ar Tonelico series.  Or should I finish up my new game plus on Chrono Cross?  I think I'll do Crono Cross first since the PSX is already set up in my room, and I'll just play AT when no one else is downstairs (PS2 downstairs).

Been playing a lot of basketball too.  And watching a lot. I missed the last Boston Lakers game of the season because I had a class during that game.  I know it'll be last because San Antonio Spurs will knock them out the second round.

Looking forward to All-Star weekend next week!  And that's it.  Not looking forward to anything else lol.

my really weird dream.

I fell asleep after playing Street Fighter Alpha 3 on Thursday.

And then I had the weirdest compilation of dream sequences I ever remembered.  I'll type this really fast before I forget.

The first one, was that I was a CNA.  I was giving this huge fat lady a bed bath.  I was trying to clean her, and she kept screaming like she was hurt, and telling me not to clean her... until I cleaned her arms then she started talking as if she had an orgasm, and she started smiling and stuff and I was strangely turned on WTF.

Then I was driving up the hill, that looks like Arlington street where my grandpa lived.  There was a stoplight, and the light turned green but the car in front of me stopped.  And for some reason they got out of the car and they were wearing those head coverings... I don't know what you call them (the ones that middle easterners wear) it was a woman and a little boy, and then I heard some announcement which sounded like a middle eastern Hitler, which continued as I went up the hill,  and there was a long line of enslaved people wearing blue turbans and white cloaks walking up the hill.  They looked beat up.  And there were the red turban people, walking with them as if they were the enemy who caught the blue turban people. And the higher I went up the hill, I saw normal people who looked like people I go to school with, and it was like a McDonald's PlayPlace where people were lined up to slide or whatever, but actually at the top should be the leader of the red turban people.

When I reached the top of the hill, there was some kind of Filipino fountain, and my brother told me to park, and he left.  I kept looking for a parking space but couldn't find one, so I went underground somehow and kept going up until I saw that Filipino water fountain.  I don't remember parking though.

And then somehow I landed outside  library, and I was with high school friends and we were thinking of some kind of plan to defeat the red turban people and bring peace to the world.  Then I went in the library alone because they asked me to find an empty table and I saw Frieza and his dad Cooler and I was like "I remember this, Trunks is going to come in and cut him up."  And then I went out the library, came back in, and whatever and I woke up.

Anyways I have a lot to do on Monday.

Reading Partners, Homework, Kaiser, Counselors Appointment.

I can't believe she is only 17:



I feel that I'm in denial that I'm not old.

passed CBEST.

I passed.  I don't feel good about my WRITING score though.  I got a 39 on writing.  The only thought that would make me feel better, is the "I didn't even study for it."  I need 123 points to pass, and I got 140.  Maybe another excuse would be "I slept at 4 the night before the test, and woke up late."  I was playing MapleStory the week of the test, and got my Mechanic to 70 in two days.  LOL. And another excuse.. I haven't had an english class for 3 years, and a math class in 4 years. Yup, I feel better already.

<3

I'm addicted to chess on my Ipod.

I shouldn't feel better about this actually.  I am SO IRRESPONSIBLE.  But whatever.

I thought writing was one of my stronger points. At least its pushing me to do better (I guess) even though I'm always trying to do better.

LOL my writing is so unorganized.  But blogs shouldn't count as writing, right?

documentation beats conversation.

But when you're talking about feelings, documentation and conversation do not apply.

that sidequest.

In games, you know those quests that are just there, but you have to get through them?  And when they're over, you're done with it and there's no going back?

I feel like I'm a sidequest in everyone's life.  For the reason that I don't last forever.  I may talk and reconnect for a moment, but a little while later, it is gone.  I can't believe myself, that I'd think of things like this because I'm not supposed to be a social person.

I'm not supposed to have friends.

These days feel so nostalgic.  Perhaps it is the weather.  It's that weather feeling, this new sun and light that makes me think back to both times where I believed I loved.

Both times I knew I fell hard have the exact same weather sequence, which is mildly hot with a sense of accomplishment and an ending to a life's sidequest, dawning a new quest.  First, was ending a depression phase, and right after, "falling in love".  Second, was ending a depression phase, and right after, "falling in love".

Actually, it wasn't "right after." The depression phase and falling in love phases overlap.  Love was my escape.

And this time, I'm ending a depression phase, hopefully.  But the only quest I see from that distance isn't a new love this time.

It's my career path.  I guess what was holding back my motivation, was the pressures of "love."

I'm leaving my escape behind.

class on Monday.

I have a stupid class on Monday.  WHICH TAKES PLACE DURING MY READING PARTNERS TIME.   Now I have to figure out how to fit in Reading Partners to this schedule.  It's heartbreaking when I feel like I can't teach... I HAVE TO TEACH to keep my sanity.

Yesterday was my mom's 54th birthday.

omfg, I really don't see the point of "small talk" and all that.  JEEZ WHY AM I LIKE THIS.  Why do I feel like getting away once someone is talking to me in something I'm completely uninterested in?  And why can't I tell it to that person straight out like that?  It's so annoying... I'm so annoying.

tutor of the month's progress in maple.

My Mechanic reached lvl 100, three days ago, I think.



CROlX, my Gunslinger reached 70 on Saturday.



Today I reached 164 on my FP.

sparkling city of ruin.

I passed the Reading and the Math section of the CBEST.  Now I'm just waiting for the results of the Writing portion.  I wrote too personal on the writing, and it hurts thinking about it. I thought the feel would be the same as the HESI exam, but this exam actually made me think.

I think I'm missing a few classes even though I completed 73 units.  I should have followed up on why my Psychology teacher gave me no credit when I should have gotten an A and 3 units.  Oh well, doesn't hurt much taking it again, I'd like to relearn some of it anyway since I forgot what I learned.

My Mechanic is level 76.  I really slowed down, it doesn't take long anymore to get to 70.  I got to 70 in 2 days, when it really should have took me 1 day.  A few hours if I was at my prime l0l. I don't know what to do with my FP Mage, I'm leaning towards maxing Infinity.  Fire Demon won't be worth it since I don't have a fire wand.  I don't use Meteor too often either, but I raised it to level 18.  Maple Warrior is just too expensive.  So I guess I'll max Infinity.

Time is going by too fast.  I had a dream that all my high school friends and acquaintances went to the same college as me, and I was happy.   Maybe I miss them.  Nah.

I really feel like I want to stay in school forever.  But when I go so slow, I feel so guilty and rushed.  Try to relax... that's what I should do, follow my best beneficial advice.  I wrote about that as the most beneficial advice someone has given me, on my 2nd essay of the CBEST.

Life has been, whatever. But it's all me! So I'm.. whatever. l0l.

I keep retreating from the thoughts I'm supposed to be thinking.  Supposed to be thinking, meaning my own responsibilities that society has imposed upon me.  I want to be isolated, I want to know what I'm naturally.

I really do belong in the Romantic era l0l.  Stupid stupid stupid ><"

and I blocked search engines.   why the hell am I getting views referenced by search engines?!?!?

My room in terms of mess has been below standards  since the Big Bang patch.

Reality.  Love has been an escape.  Basketball and games has been an escape from love. Story of my life.



Oh yeah, and I've been playing Harvest Moon Back to Nature.  I gave Bold mass Flour presents so now his heart meter is maxed lol. I couldn't get into my new file so I continued the one I played 10 years ago.  Labble and Bello gave birth, I named Labble's daughter Nimbus, and Bello's daughter Ballo!.

100

Quasaron reached level 100 a few days ago.

LagWithMePlz reached level 100 a few hours ago.

I love training my Wind Archer.  Too bad he's a guy archer, wished I made it a female.  I would have named her Eklair or Pepperonico if I were to rename her.  Same with my Aran, I wished Eklair was Aranawalk and aranawalk was Eklair, just because I'm playing Aranawalk more since she's higher level and she's blessed with Xeno's Blessing.

Quasaron is running low on Summoning Rocks, so it's getting slightly unmotivating.  I want to play Aranawalk but I want to change her name, but if I make it Eklair I would have to delete my Eklair on Croix's account, and I don't want to because her hair is pretty.  Eklair sounds more like an Evan actually, maybe I'll delete her and make her into an Evan.

I'll have to train Quasaron now to 110 before I can train LagWithMePlz again (LagWithMePlz is Quasaron's Junior's Junior).

My damage really sucks though. Even if I had all the items that I gave away, I wouldn't sell them anyway.  I guess I'll still level fast, just not as fast as others, especially after being through BETA leveling, as well as not training with a Bishop 99.5% of my Maple Story life.

I'll update with pictures later, because the screenshots are on my brother's PC.

I stopped leveling Xeno because some idiots in SW forum who are higher level than Xeno is (Trained with METEOR to their level), don't know anything about FP mages, saying I don't know anything about FP Mages.

Sucks how just because their status show that they are better, should not mean that what they think they know is the truth, than being compared to those who "look" like in a lower status is not true. I feel dumb because I felt annoyed.  I shouldn't feel annoyed at simple things like this... I'm getting old, and nothing should bring me down like them.  I guess I'm just lazy to put the effort into making an argument, so I'm letting it go, but it still hurts me somehow.

This is stupid.

Mechanics are coming out next week as well, I wonder if I should create it on Quasaron's account or Xeno's.  I'm leaning toward's Xeno's though because I want to receive Xeno's blessing, and I want Xeno to receive my Mechanic's blessing since I feel like I'll be active on the Mechanic.

-

Things to work on in tutoring:  I keep correcting.  And I should show more appreciation and give positive feedback.

I am an INTJ

http://www.personalitypage.com/html/INTJ.html

http://typelogic.com/intj.html

Reading all this makes me wished I studied for my science classes.

This is where I took the test: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

"When under a great deal of stress, the INTJ may become obsessed with mindless repetitive, Sensate activities, such as over-drinking. They may also tend to become absorbed with minutia and details that they would not normally consider important to their overall goal."

Mindless, repetitive activities.  MAPLESTORY, RPGS, AND SHOOTING HOOPS! HARHARHARHAR.

I find this so true:

"This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness."

-

Anyways, I just came back from San Diego.  I met my new cousin, Jed Angelo... I'll post some pictures when I get the motivation.

163

Reached level 163 today, and I passed both Big Bang 20 and 30!  For the first tries too... Big Bang 20 for 25M and Big Bang 30 for 10M.  I bought 2 Big Bang 30s for 10M each thinking one would fail.

Staying at Qualm Guardians even though there are remnants that signify a hacker has been in the map 50% of the time.  It's weird because the loot is all in a column on each of the 3 rows (excluding the top left on the map).

162

My FP Mage reached level 162!

Wonder why it says my ranking went down though... whatever!

I want to get to 170 and maybe I'll stop leveling for good, but for now, whenever I play I'll be leveling.

CBEST test on the 22nd.