I used to despise her. I knew her since the beginning of my life. She existed before I was born.
When I was young, and little, I was afraid of her. I was afraid of what she'll bring. I was scared of her friends, and what they would do to me. I've only heard ghastly stories about her friends.
It was until I was a teenager that I understood her. We weren't friends yet though, but even though we weren't close at all, she still embraced me with her presence. And I realized that what I've heard about her friends is false.
Now I need her, and I know she'll always be there for me. I realized that we're the same. We don't have true close friends that understand us inside and out, and we don't really need friends. They bring pain. I might bring her pain too, but that's okay, she'll be with me no matter what. I always anticipate our meeting as soon as the sun rises.
We meet every night. It eases my mind when I'm with her. I can reflect on memories, and I don't need to say anything with her. I can shed tears forever in front of her, and she won't say anything mean.
We listen to music together.
When I'm with her, no one else is with her. Just me, and her, together alone. I don't like being alone by myself sometimes, but with her, I feel a special bond somehow, when its just us alone. It eases the pain, better than with anyone else that I have met.
Thank you, dear Darkness.
What a way to start of 2010. It sucks when you only have your ego to boost up your confidence. Oh yeah, and I got all As and one C. That helps a bit, but I feel that I don't deserve it because I seriously didn't study. If you add up all the studying I've done, it'll probably add up to be only one hour.
mood: gloomy
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
My external appearance. In short. Because you keep hearing about my inner self.
With people I am close to, I talk all silly and happy, because they make me happy. And I'm nice, I never say mean things too, because people don't like mean things. I smile, and I laugh a lot until you start laughing. I talk really nerdy too, with lots of sarcasm, but sometimes its so obvious and true, but I like talking like that anyways because its funny. And even if its funny, I really do feel that way too. eg. I MISS YOU!!! I have a lot of inside jokes with them, and jokes from past things. I'm really random. I'd say, it's advanced random humor that you have to really know me to get, and laugh. And you have to humor me back, like make a straight face (shows that what I said isn't funny), and slap me, but don't actually hit me. Or just roll your eyes. But smile please. And I don't say bad words (fuck, shit, damn, tits, ass, dick, cock, bitch). I guess I'm too shy to say bad words. But I say them when a friend tells me to. And I'm only close to a few, like four people. Or three. Actually, five. Also, when I talk, I move a lot. Not with my hands, but with my body. Its funny. I find beats in words. I know, I'm weird like that. But girls like it hahah. I like being seen like this the most.
With people who I just know, and I'm hanging out with them, I just stay quiet, because I'm shy. I'm not doing that because I think you suck, I'm just shy dammit! Bring out a karaoke machine or game to make me talk! But in games, like basketball, I don't talk. I'm not shy when I talk to my girl friends though. I have three of them, who talk to me about their relationship problems and problems in life. I like how they come to me, it makes me feel important. I don't like it when I don't know what to say, or when they can't tell that I'm trying to be funny. But I be funny to cheer them up, because I know it sucks feeling sad, and you can't avoid and prevent being sad most of the time.
With strangers, and when I'm walking in the town streets and shit, I walk fast, really fast like I have my shit together fast, straight cool looking posture, of course I'm dressed nicely, color coordinating but not matching, usually with my Diesel Jeans, I wear them almost everywhere coz they look nice, they go with everything and they're comfy. I have a serious face on, but I'm not frowning, like a determination face. I know my eyes look cool though, until someone days hi to me, and I start smiling at them and they think I'm so happy to see them, and my eyes get chinky and they say I'm cute. Everyone who sees me thinks I have my shit together, I think, and I guess I do sometimes, but its not always true, I'm deep, I just know I am! And I help old ladies carry big furniture or whatever to their car. I just feel really cool looking when I'm out with strangers around. But no, I don't stand out! I'm quiet, and subtle, and I like it. I like surprising people with my character.
I like wearing hoodies and track jackets. T-shirts over the summer. I also have ear phones on most of the time I'm out, listening to my music from my DS.
I'd say I look good. I looked better when I was younger though, or maybe that's because girls were more shallow when they were younger. I remember three girls had a crush on me, 6th grade. It started to decline the more they found out I was a loner though, and girls just stopped liking me in school when I was a Sophomore (that I know of). And when I was a Sophomore, I was hella emo and shit, but I fell in love my Junior year, which brought me back, and I'll save those memories for another entry. When I went to the Philippines, most of the people were like, you can become an actor. I'm like, wtf! okay... so yeah, I guess I look good. Oh yeah, and when I was younger, like five or eight or something, my cousins and aunties and uncles thought I would grow up to be a playboy.
I'm not shallow, but I have a tendancy to say shallow things. Actually, I guess I am shallow at the start when I see someone. At heart, I'm not, I love people, and I know everyone is going through tough times, but damn my family is hella fucking shallow, so I guess I get it from them.
I tend to avoid people for a long period of time. I just like being alone. And when I don't feel like being alone, I talk to them again. I'm not mean or anything, I try to be nice, but I like being alone. Its hard. There are some people who I want to be with forever, even when I want to be alone though, because I feel like she's a part of me that I need, and I really really miss her, even though she does not really know me, I know that I need her, and she gives me what I want in a friendship, and I really miss her because she's always away in orange.
I don't talk much about my inner self either, unless my friends ask I guess, if they directly ask me for my opinion. I like looking mysterious, and maybe I don't even know much about myself. Or maybe I'm just embarrassed because I think the things I do are negative in a shallow person's perspective. I shouldn't care about shallow people, but I do, because their opinion will make me sad, and I don't like feeling sad either. Learning about myself is also a reason why I write in a blog like this. I want to know what other people think, of the inner me, and I want other people to know about the inner me, especially my friends.
Hella rushed post, because I'm hella writing on thought. And I don't even say hella IRL.
And now I'm off to play Ar Tonelico 2!
mood: whatevs
With people I am close to, I talk all silly and happy, because they make me happy. And I'm nice, I never say mean things too, because people don't like mean things. I smile, and I laugh a lot until you start laughing. I talk really nerdy too, with lots of sarcasm, but sometimes its so obvious and true, but I like talking like that anyways because its funny. And even if its funny, I really do feel that way too. eg. I MISS YOU!!! I have a lot of inside jokes with them, and jokes from past things. I'm really random. I'd say, it's advanced random humor that you have to really know me to get, and laugh. And you have to humor me back, like make a straight face (shows that what I said isn't funny), and slap me, but don't actually hit me. Or just roll your eyes. But smile please. And I don't say bad words (fuck, shit, damn, tits, ass, dick, cock, bitch). I guess I'm too shy to say bad words. But I say them when a friend tells me to. And I'm only close to a few, like four people. Or three. Actually, five. Also, when I talk, I move a lot. Not with my hands, but with my body. Its funny. I find beats in words. I know, I'm weird like that. But girls like it hahah. I like being seen like this the most.
With people who I just know, and I'm hanging out with them, I just stay quiet, because I'm shy. I'm not doing that because I think you suck, I'm just shy dammit! Bring out a karaoke machine or game to make me talk! But in games, like basketball, I don't talk. I'm not shy when I talk to my girl friends though. I have three of them, who talk to me about their relationship problems and problems in life. I like how they come to me, it makes me feel important. I don't like it when I don't know what to say, or when they can't tell that I'm trying to be funny. But I be funny to cheer them up, because I know it sucks feeling sad, and you can't avoid and prevent being sad most of the time.
With strangers, and when I'm walking in the town streets and shit, I walk fast, really fast like I have my shit together fast, straight cool looking posture, of course I'm dressed nicely, color coordinating but not matching, usually with my Diesel Jeans, I wear them almost everywhere coz they look nice, they go with everything and they're comfy. I have a serious face on, but I'm not frowning, like a determination face. I know my eyes look cool though, until someone days hi to me, and I start smiling at them and they think I'm so happy to see them, and my eyes get chinky and they say I'm cute. Everyone who sees me thinks I have my shit together, I think, and I guess I do sometimes, but its not always true, I'm deep, I just know I am! And I help old ladies carry big furniture or whatever to their car. I just feel really cool looking when I'm out with strangers around. But no, I don't stand out! I'm quiet, and subtle, and I like it. I like surprising people with my character.
I like wearing hoodies and track jackets. T-shirts over the summer. I also have ear phones on most of the time I'm out, listening to my music from my DS.
I'd say I look good. I looked better when I was younger though, or maybe that's because girls were more shallow when they were younger. I remember three girls had a crush on me, 6th grade. It started to decline the more they found out I was a loner though, and girls just stopped liking me in school when I was a Sophomore (that I know of). And when I was a Sophomore, I was hella emo and shit, but I fell in love my Junior year, which brought me back, and I'll save those memories for another entry. When I went to the Philippines, most of the people were like, you can become an actor. I'm like, wtf! okay... so yeah, I guess I look good. Oh yeah, and when I was younger, like five or eight or something, my cousins and aunties and uncles thought I would grow up to be a playboy.
I'm not shallow, but I have a tendancy to say shallow things. Actually, I guess I am shallow at the start when I see someone. At heart, I'm not, I love people, and I know everyone is going through tough times, but damn my family is hella fucking shallow, so I guess I get it from them.
I tend to avoid people for a long period of time. I just like being alone. And when I don't feel like being alone, I talk to them again. I'm not mean or anything, I try to be nice, but I like being alone. Its hard. There are some people who I want to be with forever, even when I want to be alone though, because I feel like she's a part of me that I need, and I really really miss her, even though she does not really know me, I know that I need her, and she gives me what I want in a friendship, and I really miss her because she's always away in orange.
I don't talk much about my inner self either, unless my friends ask I guess, if they directly ask me for my opinion. I like looking mysterious, and maybe I don't even know much about myself. Or maybe I'm just embarrassed because I think the things I do are negative in a shallow person's perspective. I shouldn't care about shallow people, but I do, because their opinion will make me sad, and I don't like feeling sad either. Learning about myself is also a reason why I write in a blog like this. I want to know what other people think, of the inner me, and I want other people to know about the inner me, especially my friends.
Hella rushed post, because I'm hella writing on thought. And I don't even say hella IRL.
And now I'm off to play Ar Tonelico 2!
mood: whatevs
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
talking. shy/quiet people pride!
I dislike having two entries in one day, so maybe when I'm done with this, I'll edit my new years resolutions post to be on January 1st, 2010.
I don't know why I'm not good at talking, and I think back to when I did talk a lot... and as I remember it, I don't talk much. People know I don't talk much. I'm more of an action kind of person, who does stuff, and who says random things. When I talk, I want to make people smile. I want them to do something. I want to say something useful. I don't like sounding like a whiny person. And when I do say stuff like that, its probably because there's an awkward silence, and I really don't know what to say, or what's appropriate to say. Edit later. This will be really long lol (note to self: past, talking quiet, getting what I want w/o talking, talking awkward feeling good not saying anything, what I did talk about, reason-questioning- pride, attention, thoughts and saying words-tho not agreeing=hypocrite?, now sexy silence, what if they like the silence and being silent isn't who I am, be myself show myself pros and cons, it'll be hard to open up... sorta like my outline. Too lazy to write anything coz I'm feeling tired and sleepy ugh but I want to!)
Wow, long outline. I keep going to bed, and then thinking about this, and then going back and editing to put stuff so I'll remember it so I won't forget later.
mood: lethargic
I don't know why I'm not good at talking, and I think back to when I did talk a lot... and as I remember it, I don't talk much. People know I don't talk much. I'm more of an action kind of person, who does stuff, and who says random things. When I talk, I want to make people smile. I want them to do something. I want to say something useful. I don't like sounding like a whiny person. And when I do say stuff like that, its probably because there's an awkward silence, and I really don't know what to say, or what's appropriate to say. Edit later. This will be really long lol (note to self: past, talking quiet, getting what I want w/o talking, talking awkward feeling good not saying anything, what I did talk about, reason-questioning- pride, attention, thoughts and saying words-tho not agreeing=hypocrite?, now sexy silence, what if they like the silence and being silent isn't who I am, be myself show myself pros and cons, it'll be hard to open up... sorta like my outline. Too lazy to write anything coz I'm feeling tired and sleepy ugh but I want to!)
Wow, long outline. I keep going to bed, and then thinking about this, and then going back and editing to put stuff so I'll remember it so I won't forget later.
mood: lethargic
Monday, December 28, 2009
2010 new years resolutions
Because I really need them. And I really need to do them.
- Eat slower
- Study for at least one hour right after lunch no matter what, no matter how tempting guessing will be, no matter what drama is going on in my life, no matter what my heart is telling me.
- Push myself to do what I want to do, little by little.
- Answer phone calls, no matter what I'm doing, if its a friend, I'll answer it.
- Video games after homework and after the one hour of study. Only on weekends.
- Actually, three DDR songs a day. I need to be in shape. Either that, or ballin'.
I think this is enough. Too much will make me not want to do any of them. If I get lower than an A in Chem or Micro, I'll apply to be Certified Nursing Assisstant.
mood: determined
- Eat slower
- Study for at least one hour right after lunch no matter what, no matter how tempting guessing will be, no matter what drama is going on in my life, no matter what my heart is telling me.
- Push myself to do what I want to do, little by little.
- Answer phone calls, no matter what I'm doing, if its a friend, I'll answer it.
- Video games after homework and after the one hour of study. Only on weekends.
- Actually, three DDR songs a day. I need to be in shape. Either that, or ballin'.
I think this is enough. Too much will make me not want to do any of them. If I get lower than an A in Chem or Micro, I'll apply to be Certified Nursing Assisstant.
mood: determined
Saturday, December 26, 2009
what to do
I don't know if I'm either shy or lazy. There are things I have to do, but I don't do them. Maybe its neither. Maybe I really am shy and lazy. Or maybe just deep down, I just don't care at the time. I don't know, its probably John Stuart Mill's Philosophy. Those things I would do would only benefit me, but hurting my parents and my brother. My parents provide shelter, food, and all the moneys. If I go out, I'd spend their gas money, car time, in addition to more money, since I don't work.
And I'm not doing and concentrating what I should be doing.
My mom asked me what this Philosophy class is about. I said it's about the meaning of life (though there's more to it, I don't like talking long). She says, the meaning of life is to get an education, and study! I wish I had a mind like her's, sometimes. So I can just do stuff without feeling anything. What I should be doing, and what they want me to be doing, is finding out what I want to be, and studying. They want to see me studying. Though I did pass all my classes. I know, and they know, I can do better.
I don't like studying. Because I already learned what I wanted to in class. I remember the things that I actually want to remember. When I get home, I have the things I wanted to know in my head already. I don't like studying the things I learned already in class. But I guess... "I have no choice." (Armored Commercial 0:20).
So what I have to do, is study so that they see it, make them happy, get a job, and by doing that, I can "unshy and unlazy" myself. But what to study. I know I can't pick a random thing. Or maybe I should just join the workforce. Or go with the default choice, Nursing, force myself into motivation. And fail. Yup yup yup. Push myself to this, and nothing else. So I can live. But by the time I'm done with that, I might be old, and can't do the fun things that I wanted to learn and experience while I'm young.
Oh yeah, there's time management. Ooops. Just have to make sure I study though. I can do this!
Keep my eye on the prize, I know what happens when I don't... feeling like this, and then writing about it. ... which actually isn't that bad.
I'll think of the stuff I do when I'm not studying. That is, refreshing pages, looking up random stuff, cleaning my room to be cleaner than clean, admiring how beautiful things are set up in my room are... I should just study. I want school to start now! But what if I'm away from my computer and... alsdjf;ljsd! I should stop. Seriously stop. This is making me look crazy. Or maybe I am crazy. Okay, I'll stop. Now.
mood: determined, confused
And I'm not doing and concentrating what I should be doing.
My mom asked me what this Philosophy class is about. I said it's about the meaning of life (though there's more to it, I don't like talking long). She says, the meaning of life is to get an education, and study! I wish I had a mind like her's, sometimes. So I can just do stuff without feeling anything. What I should be doing, and what they want me to be doing, is finding out what I want to be, and studying. They want to see me studying. Though I did pass all my classes. I know, and they know, I can do better.
I don't like studying. Because I already learned what I wanted to in class. I remember the things that I actually want to remember. When I get home, I have the things I wanted to know in my head already. I don't like studying the things I learned already in class. But I guess... "I have no choice." (Armored Commercial 0:20).
So what I have to do, is study so that they see it, make them happy, get a job, and by doing that, I can "unshy and unlazy" myself. But what to study. I know I can't pick a random thing. Or maybe I should just join the workforce. Or go with the default choice, Nursing, force myself into motivation. And fail. Yup yup yup. Push myself to this, and nothing else. So I can live. But by the time I'm done with that, I might be old, and can't do the fun things that I wanted to learn and experience while I'm young.
Oh yeah, there's time management. Ooops. Just have to make sure I study though. I can do this!
Keep my eye on the prize, I know what happens when I don't... feeling like this, and then writing about it. ... which actually isn't that bad.
I'll think of the stuff I do when I'm not studying. That is, refreshing pages, looking up random stuff, cleaning my room to be cleaner than clean, admiring how beautiful things are set up in my room are... I should just study. I want school to start now! But what if I'm away from my computer and... alsdjf;ljsd! I should stop. Seriously stop. This is making me look crazy. Or maybe I am crazy. Okay, I'll stop. Now.
mood: determined, confused
Friday, December 25, 2009
Writing
How ironic, that when I was a little kid, around the age of seven, I was worried about how I would approach the one, how I would have to write a love letter to her.
I was always worried about how my future would end up. My dad said he wrote a love letter to my mom. I was always worried about the approach, because I was shy, and quiet, and I am still shy and quiet as of now if its a free for all. I only talk when I'm forced to or when I'm truly comfortable.
You know how shy I am? I don't pick up phone calls. I don't go up to the cashier to pay for burgers. I don't ask for anything. I don't drive anywhere. I don't ask my friends out. I don't ask for help. I don't enroll in classes that I really want to attend. But that's not the point, though I will push myself so this shyness will be cured. Or I could be lazy. Or I just don't care. Anyways.
I would think to myself, that she will come to me. Being cool, smart, athletic (only in basketball), nice, and handsome, I never thought that I would be going after her. I was always scared of the thought, and when I have to write a love letter. I thought, Do I really have to write something like that in the future? I remember thinking that exact question too. I was in my dad's room, looking for my Pogs when I came across his old letter.
And now that I'm older, all I want to write... is writing about love.
I love loving you
so I'll keep on loving you
because loving you is the logical thing for me to do
and I love you
and you're okay with me loving you
so I'll love love love love you.
I love you so much.
I know I'm not ready to love you, but I love you anyways. I'll do my best to find out who I am. You're my motivation for life. I don't care if you love me back. I'm sorry, I can't talk. I don't know how. I just can't. I won't pretend that I am strong. I'm really pathetic. And I feel like the girl in this. Maybe later when I grow more. I'm really weak. Please don't think I'm creepy. I think... I know I really love you. You won't break my heart anymore. Please remember that. I'm okay with whatever you do for now on, because I'm trying to be strong. I love you. And I'll be here. Thank you, and sorry. I'll be working on this, being stronger, as my apology. I've been told that girls like confidence. But I know in my heart, that I'm just not confident. I can't pretend. Especially to you. I love you. And I'm just being honest. My exterior appearance is completely different by the way, just saying. I act on impulse a lot, and I would've kissed you to keep you from saying those mean things to me. I love you. When you say mean things to me, I love you, maybe even more than before you say those mean things. I love you. When you talk to me, when you criticize me, I feel like a better person afterwords. I love you. In my heart, I know I won't be quiet and shy when I meet you face to face. I love you. When we separate, when you're a friend, or a lover, I love you. Thank you so much for letting me love you, even though I love you, thank you for being you. I love you. And I only meant to write out the first seven lines here, but I ended up typing a paragraph. I'll do my best, to become someone, a stronger person that can be liked and that can encourage, motivate, and protect, thinking of you.
I was always worried about how my future would end up. My dad said he wrote a love letter to my mom. I was always worried about the approach, because I was shy, and quiet, and I am still shy and quiet as of now if its a free for all. I only talk when I'm forced to or when I'm truly comfortable.
You know how shy I am? I don't pick up phone calls. I don't go up to the cashier to pay for burgers. I don't ask for anything. I don't drive anywhere. I don't ask my friends out. I don't ask for help. I don't enroll in classes that I really want to attend. But that's not the point, though I will push myself so this shyness will be cured. Or I could be lazy. Or I just don't care. Anyways.
I would think to myself, that she will come to me. Being cool, smart, athletic (only in basketball), nice, and handsome, I never thought that I would be going after her. I was always scared of the thought, and when I have to write a love letter. I thought, Do I really have to write something like that in the future? I remember thinking that exact question too. I was in my dad's room, looking for my Pogs when I came across his old letter.
And now that I'm older, all I want to write... is writing about love.
I love loving you
so I'll keep on loving you
because loving you is the logical thing for me to do
and I love you
and you're okay with me loving you
so I'll love love love love you.
I love you so much.
I know I'm not ready to love you, but I love you anyways. I'll do my best to find out who I am. You're my motivation for life. I don't care if you love me back. I'm sorry, I can't talk. I don't know how. I just can't. I won't pretend that I am strong. I'm really pathetic. And I feel like the girl in this. Maybe later when I grow more. I'm really weak. Please don't think I'm creepy. I think... I know I really love you. You won't break my heart anymore. Please remember that. I'm okay with whatever you do for now on, because I'm trying to be strong. I love you. And I'll be here. Thank you, and sorry. I'll be working on this, being stronger, as my apology. I've been told that girls like confidence. But I know in my heart, that I'm just not confident. I can't pretend. Especially to you. I love you. And I'm just being honest. My exterior appearance is completely different by the way, just saying. I act on impulse a lot, and I would've kissed you to keep you from saying those mean things to me. I love you. When you say mean things to me, I love you, maybe even more than before you say those mean things. I love you. When you talk to me, when you criticize me, I feel like a better person afterwords. I love you. In my heart, I know I won't be quiet and shy when I meet you face to face. I love you. When we separate, when you're a friend, or a lover, I love you. Thank you so much for letting me love you, even though I love you, thank you for being you. I love you. And I only meant to write out the first seven lines here, but I ended up typing a paragraph. I'll do my best, to become someone, a stronger person that can be liked and that can encourage, motivate, and protect, thinking of you.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Hazaah!
SPAIN! HAZAAH! CAKEPLZ!! BOOBIES!! ELEVATOR ELEVATOR! FOUR OF A KIND. TAEYOUNG!
Just got back from Vegas, and I have to say, I really needed this trip. I needed the darkness, and the music for 12 hours on the road. I needed the time spent with family. I needed to feel that feeling that rekindled my soul. I needed that time to think things through. And holy shit! What have I been doing this past semester. I can't believe I lost focus on what's important. I was entranced by that feeling. I lost sight of what I do, and my goals. I became too dependent on other people. I'll push myself to the limits from now on, I'll do what my mind tells me to do and not my heart. I'll read, I'll exercise, I'll listen, I'll watch, I'll dream, I'll talk, I'll work, I'll organize, and I'll blog. I'll push myself into patience. I'll push myself in what I do good... working fast and efficiently. I need more experience to hone these skills, and that's what I'll push myself to do.
Okay, no more heart fulfilling Final Fantasy shit. LAS VEGAS.
Sunday morning, I lost patience with my mom again. She kept telling me to hurry up when I was pooing. I CAN'T HURRY UP POO. So I finished without finishing everything, and I still had to wait for my mom to finish packing! And then we get in the car, and my bro forgot to bring the backpack, so I had to go back in the house, got really mad, shut the door really hard and shit, dropped my DS on the concrete, picked it up, shut the house door really hard, and got the backpack, closed the door really hard, my bro asked me what's wrong, I told him YOU, he starts crying, my dad goes back to comfort him, my mom gets into an argument that ends with her telling me to kill myself. I break down and cry and blah blah blah. Good thing my dad is calm and shit and helped our family get through. We were supposed to leave the house at 3 am but ended up leaving 8 am. Oh well, if that was hard to read, no worries, it's not important, because it's resolved. Our inner individual problems are resolved too, so it's okay! We're fine.
We stopped by Jack in the Box around 12 pm, and wow, the cheeseburgers were only a dollar, which tasted like Jumbo Jacks! It was big and everything. We ate in the restaurant, took pictures, drank soda, it was good. I wish our Jack in the Box in Hercules had dollar Jumbo Jack burgers.
Arrived in Excalibur around 6pm I think, or was it 7... I forgot, there was an accident that left us on the same spot on the road for like an hour plus. Slept, watched School of Rock somehow while sleeping... and woke up to Krispy Kreme!
At around 11, we ate lunch at Pinoy Pinay. A Filipino restaurant. My mom, bro, and dad liked it I think, I didn't, it tastes like the food my mom cooks so I wasn't excited to eat any of it. And this is where I say WTF. Ronald, his gf Janice, Chris's gf Monica, Cheryl's bf Joel, Karen, and Karen's husband Jon, were not there! WHAT KIND OF CHRISTMAS IS THIS. And we were all over the place. Auntie Nancy was at Luxor, the Alivios were at Luxor, Daniel and his fiancee Dianne were at Mandalay Bay, the Caluyas were at Paris Paris, and Bryan and his bf Gordon were at some other far place too! WE WERE ALL SPREAD OUT JUST BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE GOT FREE ROOMS OR BETTER DEALS. Oh well, at least some people came. Bryan gave us all moving lighting up Santa hats, my mom says mine moves like an erecting penis. After that, went to other places, shopped for some Pandesal, visited my mom's auntie, bought a $200 Karaoke thingie.
At night, we saw two shows. Tournament of Kings, and Fantasy. Tournament of Kings was a dinner show at Excalibur, it was fun, but my stomach felt full. I didn't finish my dragon's blood which tasted like Spaghetti O's without the Spaghetti O's, or that small chicken. And Broccoli. I kept drinking soda though, I had like two glasses. The show itself was alright, our Spain lost though. He got knocked out in one hit. I would see the show again though, I like the atmosphere. But it was friggin $75 for these two tickets. After the show, we walked around. Excalibur has a Midway. I didn't know that... or I didn't remember that. Rating for Tournament of Kings: Yeay!
After this show, we walked around again. The guessing psychic Jester guessed Gordon's age to be 29, when he's 42. Then we walked walked walked, picture!, walked, walked... I went to see Daniel's and Dianne's room, and holy shit it was nice, they had their own jacuzzi, big windows for a big view, and a friggin living room. AND a four chair dining table. FOR ONLY 25 BUCKS.
Fantasy is an 18+ show in Luxor with women dancing topless. OH YEAH, I WAS JUST FOLLOWING MY COUSINS, I DID NOT WANT TO SEE THIS SHOW THOUGH JUST TO LET YOU KNOW. I thought lots of perverted weird looking guys would be watching, it turns out normal people were there! Old couples, young couples, just regular people, and girls. So after seeing them, I didn't feel so weird. It was me, my bro, Chris, Daniel, and Dianne that went to see this, while Bryan, Gordon and Auntie Nancy went to see the Thunder From Down Under which I think is the gay version of this. I think it looked weird to see girls showing off their boobs WITH their panties on. JUST TAKE OFF EVERYTHING. It was like they're men. The dancing wasn't all that great. We sat in the back unfortunately, and I wasn't wearing my glasses. But I STILL SAW IRL BOOBIES FOR THE FIRST TIME. I was scared at first, because I didn't know what my reaction would be, I have a really high sex drive so I thought I would be hyperventilating or shaking or whatever, but it turns out, I didn't. Although throughout the performance I was like stay cool stay cool to myself. Even porn's better and sometimes I don't even watch it for pleasure, I watch it to study the techniques and shit for when the time comes so I won't feel like a noob. Maybe its because I'm just not physically attracted to those types of girls, only one that I found attractive was Lindsay, because of her face and hair really complements each other... though her boobs were small, spread apart, and it went flat when she laid down compared to the others. I just wasn't turned on as much as I thought I should have been, though I did had a boner, which didn't hold out too long. The music during the show was good, I felt like swaying left and right to those heavy bass beats, but the audience was damn weak, they didn't do anything, it was like they're watching a regular Shakespeare play on stage. I wanted to clap, move my head, and shit, but whatevs. The comedian in the middle of the show was good too, forgot his name, but his comedy was more entertaining than the boobies. Overall rating for this show: ugh.
Then we went back to our rooms, Chris gave me his watch, then me and my bro played cards with Chris until like 3 am, and went to sleep.
Morning, we got ready, walked around, took off, got lost in the desert for a couple of hours, and finally arrived home at 1am.
Edit: I like it when my heart and mind are working as one.
Just got back from Vegas, and I have to say, I really needed this trip. I needed the darkness, and the music for 12 hours on the road. I needed the time spent with family. I needed to feel that feeling that rekindled my soul. I needed that time to think things through. And holy shit! What have I been doing this past semester. I can't believe I lost focus on what's important. I was entranced by that feeling. I lost sight of what I do, and my goals. I became too dependent on other people. I'll push myself to the limits from now on, I'll do what my mind tells me to do and not my heart. I'll read, I'll exercise, I'll listen, I'll watch, I'll dream, I'll talk, I'll work, I'll organize, and I'll blog. I'll push myself into patience. I'll push myself in what I do good... working fast and efficiently. I need more experience to hone these skills, and that's what I'll push myself to do.
Okay, no more heart fulfilling Final Fantasy shit. LAS VEGAS.
Sunday morning, I lost patience with my mom again. She kept telling me to hurry up when I was pooing. I CAN'T HURRY UP POO. So I finished without finishing everything, and I still had to wait for my mom to finish packing! And then we get in the car, and my bro forgot to bring the backpack, so I had to go back in the house, got really mad, shut the door really hard and shit, dropped my DS on the concrete, picked it up, shut the house door really hard, and got the backpack, closed the door really hard, my bro asked me what's wrong, I told him YOU, he starts crying, my dad goes back to comfort him, my mom gets into an argument that ends with her telling me to kill myself. I break down and cry and blah blah blah. Good thing my dad is calm and shit and helped our family get through. We were supposed to leave the house at 3 am but ended up leaving 8 am. Oh well, if that was hard to read, no worries, it's not important, because it's resolved. Our inner individual problems are resolved too, so it's okay! We're fine.
We stopped by Jack in the Box around 12 pm, and wow, the cheeseburgers were only a dollar, which tasted like Jumbo Jacks! It was big and everything. We ate in the restaurant, took pictures, drank soda, it was good. I wish our Jack in the Box in Hercules had dollar Jumbo Jack burgers.
Arrived in Excalibur around 6pm I think, or was it 7... I forgot, there was an accident that left us on the same spot on the road for like an hour plus. Slept, watched School of Rock somehow while sleeping... and woke up to Krispy Kreme!
At around 11, we ate lunch at Pinoy Pinay. A Filipino restaurant. My mom, bro, and dad liked it I think, I didn't, it tastes like the food my mom cooks so I wasn't excited to eat any of it. And this is where I say WTF. Ronald, his gf Janice, Chris's gf Monica, Cheryl's bf Joel, Karen, and Karen's husband Jon, were not there! WHAT KIND OF CHRISTMAS IS THIS. And we were all over the place. Auntie Nancy was at Luxor, the Alivios were at Luxor, Daniel and his fiancee Dianne were at Mandalay Bay, the Caluyas were at Paris Paris, and Bryan and his bf Gordon were at some other far place too! WE WERE ALL SPREAD OUT JUST BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE GOT FREE ROOMS OR BETTER DEALS. Oh well, at least some people came. Bryan gave us all moving lighting up Santa hats, my mom says mine moves like an erecting penis. After that, went to other places, shopped for some Pandesal, visited my mom's auntie, bought a $200 Karaoke thingie.
At night, we saw two shows. Tournament of Kings, and Fantasy. Tournament of Kings was a dinner show at Excalibur, it was fun, but my stomach felt full. I didn't finish my dragon's blood which tasted like Spaghetti O's without the Spaghetti O's, or that small chicken. And Broccoli. I kept drinking soda though, I had like two glasses. The show itself was alright, our Spain lost though. He got knocked out in one hit. I would see the show again though, I like the atmosphere. But it was friggin $75 for these two tickets. After the show, we walked around. Excalibur has a Midway. I didn't know that... or I didn't remember that. Rating for Tournament of Kings: Yeay!
After this show, we walked around again. The guessing psychic Jester guessed Gordon's age to be 29, when he's 42. Then we walked walked walked, picture!, walked, walked... I went to see Daniel's and Dianne's room, and holy shit it was nice, they had their own jacuzzi, big windows for a big view, and a friggin living room. AND a four chair dining table. FOR ONLY 25 BUCKS.
Fantasy is an 18+ show in Luxor with women dancing topless. OH YEAH, I WAS JUST FOLLOWING MY COUSINS, I DID NOT WANT TO SEE THIS SHOW THOUGH JUST TO LET YOU KNOW. I thought lots of perverted weird looking guys would be watching, it turns out normal people were there! Old couples, young couples, just regular people, and girls. So after seeing them, I didn't feel so weird. It was me, my bro, Chris, Daniel, and Dianne that went to see this, while Bryan, Gordon and Auntie Nancy went to see the Thunder From Down Under which I think is the gay version of this. I think it looked weird to see girls showing off their boobs WITH their panties on. JUST TAKE OFF EVERYTHING. It was like they're men. The dancing wasn't all that great. We sat in the back unfortunately, and I wasn't wearing my glasses. But I STILL SAW IRL BOOBIES FOR THE FIRST TIME. I was scared at first, because I didn't know what my reaction would be, I have a really high sex drive so I thought I would be hyperventilating or shaking or whatever, but it turns out, I didn't. Although throughout the performance I was like stay cool stay cool to myself. Even porn's better and sometimes I don't even watch it for pleasure, I watch it to study the techniques and shit for when the time comes so I won't feel like a noob. Maybe its because I'm just not physically attracted to those types of girls, only one that I found attractive was Lindsay, because of her face and hair really complements each other... though her boobs were small, spread apart, and it went flat when she laid down compared to the others. I just wasn't turned on as much as I thought I should have been, though I did had a boner, which didn't hold out too long. The music during the show was good, I felt like swaying left and right to those heavy bass beats, but the audience was damn weak, they didn't do anything, it was like they're watching a regular Shakespeare play on stage. I wanted to clap, move my head, and shit, but whatevs. The comedian in the middle of the show was good too, forgot his name, but his comedy was more entertaining than the boobies. Overall rating for this show: ugh.
Then we went back to our rooms, Chris gave me his watch, then me and my bro played cards with Chris until like 3 am, and went to sleep.
Morning, we got ready, walked around, took off, got lost in the desert for a couple of hours, and finally arrived home at 1am.
Edit: I like it when my heart and mind are working as one.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Music On.
Updated, and remixed.
Goodbye my Heart
Without a Heart
Day by Day
Wedding Dress
Where U at
Moving to the music. On repeat.
Because I suck at conversing. These are my thoughts right now after 36 hours.
No more sucking up, I'll be real. I'll speak my raging hellhole I call my mind. Actually, its not that raging. There’s a few rainbows… Charmanders playing tag… a few Charizards flying around, and a few Magmars… yes, no fucking water Pokemon can counter attack this shit.
I've experienced it before, so I can move on quickly. Taking it up with strength and not pity (it rhymes!).
I read, watch, and listen to a lot of shit. Not random shit, but shit that strengthens me. And shit that makes me think about myself. I don't talk to anyone. I do this shit, and figure shit out on my own. I know if I talk to someone about it, I'll follow what they say, and it won't be my shit anymore. It's my problem. I'm only burdening the ones who suffered with my actions, and no one else should be involved. So hell yeah, this is making me feel better and confident about myself.
I can accept that unacception this time. I didn't feel it the first time because I knew you didn't know me. And you said you weren't going to marry him. I don't know anything about your relationship at all. Sorry for being inconsiderate. I did all I can for myself.
I'm not one of those wimpy bitches that stay with you only for the love that satisfies themselves, and can't face the consequences. Some fuckers hold on to their love to prove that their feelings are true, but what the hell is the point if its unappreciative and annoying as a fucking ass tit.
I'm not sad. My future plans are ruined, but I'm not sad. I look back to see what I've done, and I cry, but I'm not sad. I look back and cry when I see myself and what I have been through, but I'm not sad. But I have to say, I didn't love you just because you made me happy. I love you because you are you. I fell for you because you were you. I didn't think, I fell. Nothing was your fault.
I pressured those feelings out of my heart, and tucked it cozily into a random artery. An oxygenated artery!
Just sayin, Supah Saiyan.
Goodbye my Heart
Without a Heart
Day by Day
Wedding Dress
Where U at
Moving to the music. On repeat.
Because I suck at conversing. These are my thoughts right now after 36 hours.
No more sucking up, I'll be real. I'll speak my raging hellhole I call my mind. Actually, its not that raging. There’s a few rainbows… Charmanders playing tag… a few Charizards flying around, and a few Magmars… yes, no fucking water Pokemon can counter attack this shit.
I've experienced it before, so I can move on quickly. Taking it up with strength and not pity (it rhymes!).
I read, watch, and listen to a lot of shit. Not random shit, but shit that strengthens me. And shit that makes me think about myself. I don't talk to anyone. I do this shit, and figure shit out on my own. I know if I talk to someone about it, I'll follow what they say, and it won't be my shit anymore. It's my problem. I'm only burdening the ones who suffered with my actions, and no one else should be involved. So hell yeah, this is making me feel better and confident about myself.
I can accept that unacception this time. I didn't feel it the first time because I knew you didn't know me. And you said you weren't going to marry him. I don't know anything about your relationship at all. Sorry for being inconsiderate. I did all I can for myself.
I'm not one of those wimpy bitches that stay with you only for the love that satisfies themselves, and can't face the consequences. Some fuckers hold on to their love to prove that their feelings are true, but what the hell is the point if its unappreciative and annoying as a fucking ass tit.
I'm not sad. My future plans are ruined, but I'm not sad. I look back to see what I've done, and I cry, but I'm not sad. I look back and cry when I see myself and what I have been through, but I'm not sad. But I have to say, I didn't love you just because you made me happy. I love you because you are you. I fell for you because you were you. I didn't think, I fell. Nothing was your fault.
I pressured those feelings out of my heart, and tucked it cozily into a random artery. An oxygenated artery!
Just sayin, Supah Saiyan.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
What the Class is About
Philosophy, Ethics. She sits right in front of me. She looks like she's around her upper 20s. She's big, and takes up the entire space between the chair and the desk. She gets up at random times during the class, walks out the door and comes back in.
People laugh at her stupidity.
Fifty percent is a C, right?
She's being serious.
When she has something to say, people laugh because it's stupid, and she's serious.
With a look, you can tell she's unhappy as a whole with her life.
And based on what she says, she is unhappy, due to broken relationships.
This is in Richmond, California. High crime rate, high death rate, poverty, and the like.
It was our Final today.
After siting down on my seat, a pitiful kid from behind walked up to me and asked me if I had an extra Blue Book for the Final. I told him sorry, I only have one. He went to different people as they walked into class, asking for a Blue Book.
The big lady walks in. She tries to sit on her seat, unconsciously pushing another desk out the way as she tries to fit in it. The boy asks her for a Blue Book.
If she says no, I'm giving him a dollar.
She says she only has one. But after that, she answers for him, you don't have any money? He says he doesn't. And then she asks him if he wants her to go down to the bookstore and buy one for him. He says yeah. And she journeys down to the bookstore.
Our class is at the highest building, its the furthest from the bookstore. It was raining, she's fat, and she'll be late to class. There's like fifty steps she has to walk. And she's fat. She can't hardly walk. And its raining. And its really far.
Class starts, she comes in late, everyone looks annoyed, especially the professor, and then she gives the boy the Blue Book, quite quickly. It seems like no one saw the good she just did.
She asks the teacher if she can go out to get Kleenex from the bathroom and he says no. And then she asks the class if any of us has any Kleenex. No one did. And her struggle continues.
It makes me happy to see people who do kind shit like that. I'm glad to have seen her done something like that. And she didn't do it to show off, everyone was talking... but then again, she was probably talking loud, I'm always listening to music.
She may not understand the class well and what the teacher talks about. But she did the right thing. She actually did the Peter Singer, and she took the best route Aristotle would have suggested.
People laugh at her stupidity.
Fifty percent is a C, right?
She's being serious.
When she has something to say, people laugh because it's stupid, and she's serious.
With a look, you can tell she's unhappy as a whole with her life.
And based on what she says, she is unhappy, due to broken relationships.
This is in Richmond, California. High crime rate, high death rate, poverty, and the like.
It was our Final today.
After siting down on my seat, a pitiful kid from behind walked up to me and asked me if I had an extra Blue Book for the Final. I told him sorry, I only have one. He went to different people as they walked into class, asking for a Blue Book.
The big lady walks in. She tries to sit on her seat, unconsciously pushing another desk out the way as she tries to fit in it. The boy asks her for a Blue Book.
If she says no, I'm giving him a dollar.
She says she only has one. But after that, she answers for him, you don't have any money? He says he doesn't. And then she asks him if he wants her to go down to the bookstore and buy one for him. He says yeah. And she journeys down to the bookstore.
Our class is at the highest building, its the furthest from the bookstore. It was raining, she's fat, and she'll be late to class. There's like fifty steps she has to walk. And she's fat. She can't hardly walk. And its raining. And its really far.
Class starts, she comes in late, everyone looks annoyed, especially the professor, and then she gives the boy the Blue Book, quite quickly. It seems like no one saw the good she just did.
She asks the teacher if she can go out to get Kleenex from the bathroom and he says no. And then she asks the class if any of us has any Kleenex. No one did. And her struggle continues.
It makes me happy to see people who do kind shit like that. I'm glad to have seen her done something like that. And she didn't do it to show off, everyone was talking... but then again, she was probably talking loud, I'm always listening to music.
She may not understand the class well and what the teacher talks about. But she did the right thing. She actually did the Peter Singer, and she took the best route Aristotle would have suggested.
Monday, December 14, 2009
HELLA CRAZY RIGHT NOW I KNOW I AM
I NEED TO MARRY YEAR 2014 SO MY BABY CAN BE A SHEEP 2015.
OR 2017, SO I CAN HAVE AN EARTH DOG 2018.
ACTUALLY I THINK A DOG WOULD BE BETTER THAN A SHEEP. WELL BOTH ARE FINE.... IF I MARRY A TIGER LOL
MY BROTHER IS HELLA TAUREAN DRAGON.
I'M GOING CRAZY.
SAD THAT IT SAYS HORSES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TEACHERS.
BUT I'M GOING TO BE A TEACHER ANYWAY.
I'VE ALREADY STARTED GATHERING GOOD QUOTES FOR STUDENTS TO POST IN MY FUTURE CLASSROOM'S WALLS.
I WANT TO TEACH SOME SCIENCE CLASS BECAUSE IT WOULD BE EASIER TO FIND A JOB I THINK.
I'M FUCKING IN DENIAL. LOL THAT SOUNDS DIRTY. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
I AM SO CRAZY ATM.
WHY AM I SO HAPPY.
^____________________________________^
I KEEP READING SHIT. AND RE-READING SHIT. AND THE SHIT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. SO WTF IS THIS SHIT I'M READING. OH HELL YEAH. LOL.
IF THIS KEEPS UP I'M FAILING MY FINAL TOMORROW.
FUCKING GENUINE HAPPINESS.
<3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
=^_____________________________________^=
MOTIVATING SHIT.
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.
I WANT TO FIND A FUCKING ACII OR W/E ITS CALLED AND TURN THAT LOVE STREAM INTO A HEART FULL OF LOVE INSIDE.
I'M A BLIND FUCKING LEO FIRE HORSE.
AND THEN IN THE BACK OF MY MIND... I'M IN DENIAL, I'M IN DENIAL... AND THEN IN FRONT OF MY MIND, FUCK THAT, FUCK THAT, LOL WTH.
OH HELL PLEASE LET THIS SHIT BE THAT SHIT TO GET ME PSYCHED BACK UP.
AND YOU KNOW, IRL I DON'T CURSE AT ALL (AROUND OTHER PEOPLE). I DON'T EVEN SAY HELLA. WTF. I'M FUCKING CALM AND QUIET AND SHIT IN PERSON.
I'M VENTING THE SHIT OUT OF MY HEAD.
EDIT: CONFUSED AS HELL ATM. MY HEART CAN'T TAKE IT. AND SO CAN'T MY HEAD. PAINFUL AND HAPPY AT THE SAME TIME. WTH. I NEED TO CALM DOWN. BUT I CAN'T.
EDIT 2: LOL NO WONDER MY FEELINGS FEEL SO STRONG, ITS THE HOUR OF THE HORSE RIGHT NOW. "Hour—11am-12:59pm" FUUUUUCK. It's 12:21PM RIGHT NOW. WTF IS THIS SHIT. I'M FUCKING PATHETIC. WORSE THAN ANGER.
OR 2017, SO I CAN HAVE AN EARTH DOG 2018.
ACTUALLY I THINK A DOG WOULD BE BETTER THAN A SHEEP. WELL BOTH ARE FINE.... IF I MARRY A TIGER LOL
MY BROTHER IS HELLA TAUREAN DRAGON.
I'M GOING CRAZY.
SAD THAT IT SAYS HORSES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TEACHERS.
BUT I'M GOING TO BE A TEACHER ANYWAY.
I'VE ALREADY STARTED GATHERING GOOD QUOTES FOR STUDENTS TO POST IN MY FUTURE CLASSROOM'S WALLS.
I WANT TO TEACH SOME SCIENCE CLASS BECAUSE IT WOULD BE EASIER TO FIND A JOB I THINK.
I'M FUCKING IN DENIAL. LOL THAT SOUNDS DIRTY. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
I AM SO CRAZY ATM.
WHY AM I SO HAPPY.
^____________________________________^
I KEEP READING SHIT. AND RE-READING SHIT. AND THE SHIT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. SO WTF IS THIS SHIT I'M READING. OH HELL YEAH. LOL.
IF THIS KEEPS UP I'M FAILING MY FINAL TOMORROW.
FUCKING GENUINE HAPPINESS.
<3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
=^_____________________________________^=
MOTIVATING SHIT.
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.
I WANT TO FIND A FUCKING ACII OR W/E ITS CALLED AND TURN THAT LOVE STREAM INTO A HEART FULL OF LOVE INSIDE.
I'M A BLIND FUCKING LEO FIRE HORSE.
AND THEN IN THE BACK OF MY MIND... I'M IN DENIAL, I'M IN DENIAL... AND THEN IN FRONT OF MY MIND, FUCK THAT, FUCK THAT, LOL WTH.
OH HELL PLEASE LET THIS SHIT BE THAT SHIT TO GET ME PSYCHED BACK UP.
AND YOU KNOW, IRL I DON'T CURSE AT ALL (AROUND OTHER PEOPLE). I DON'T EVEN SAY HELLA. WTF. I'M FUCKING CALM AND QUIET AND SHIT IN PERSON.
I'M VENTING THE SHIT OUT OF MY HEAD.
EDIT: CONFUSED AS HELL ATM. MY HEART CAN'T TAKE IT. AND SO CAN'T MY HEAD. PAINFUL AND HAPPY AT THE SAME TIME. WTH. I NEED TO CALM DOWN. BUT I CAN'T.
EDIT 2: LOL NO WONDER MY FEELINGS FEEL SO STRONG, ITS THE HOUR OF THE HORSE RIGHT NOW. "Hour—11am-12:59pm" FUUUUUCK. It's 12:21PM RIGHT NOW. WTF IS THIS SHIT. I'M FUCKING PATHETIC. WORSE THAN ANGER.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
yeayhappyjoyfate
Went to 99 Buffet today for the after Christening of my parent's friend's baby. It's a Chinese All You Can Eat Buffet.
Some random lady sat on my mom's seat while my mom went to get food, and I felt like vomiting because of her strong perfume smell. I hate it when people put too much smelling things on themselves in restaurants and I have to be near them! It's disgusting. Luckily she left right after a picture, which felt like more than 30 minutes.
Foods I really really liked were the baked salmon and chicken on a stick, which tasted like pork. I'll remember that next time I think of 99 Buffet. Both were really really really tender and moist.
That's not what I like most about this day though. It's not the food. It's the fucking placemat. It was about the 12 Chinese Zodiac shit. I'm a horse, born 1990. It says I'm impatient. Yes! That's fucking right. I'll keep reading on, it tells the truth... I'm ostentatious... And then it happened. "YOU SHOULD MARRY A TIGER or a dog." And then I looked at the Tiger's info, "Born: 1986" and LMAO. Hell fucking yeah. My parents must have thought I was crazy for the remainder of that time in the restaurant because I was smiling too much... they probably thought I was smiling because of the good food. For sure they would've thought I was crazy if they seen me in the car, luckily I sat in the back with no one.
I like this reason to be happy.
I know where I got my lying impulses from. My family. I was supposed to lie where my brother was during that time in the restaurant when my parent's friend asked "where is your brother?" (he didn't go, he was trying to beat Shin Akuma), but they didn't tell me to lie before she asked, so I told the truth that he was home. On our way back home, my dad and mom were like YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIE DO YOU. I was supposed to say that he was at another party.
Edit: Reading Wikipedia, about the western Zodiac. And I just read "Based on Elements within the Zodiac, Leo is considered compatible with Aries, Sagittarius and Leo itself." LMAO, LEO ITSELF. I thought it was only Aries and Sagittarius but HELL YEAH. This is a fucking movie.
Edit 2: About the Leo lady.
"but you will learn about life and living and love. Her nature is fiery; she is passionate, giving and generous...
She abhors the humdrum, routine, and stupid."
LMAO
About me.
"He loves to see you laugh, as long as you are laughing with and not at him... he is repelled by women who use too much makeup by women who cry openly (it's much more effective to utilize a dramatic sob) by women..."
WTF. I HAVE TO FIND THIS ALAKAZAM. OR MEWTWO.
http://www.jyotishvani.com/freematchmaking/leo/leo-leo.asp
"Horses are energetic spouses who fall in love quite rapidly. Along with their spontaneity comes a bit of impatience and they demonstrate that when they meet someone they want to be involved with. They throw all of themselves into a relationship, sometimes losing tiny bits and pieces of themselves along the way. However, a light at the end of the tunnel: in adulthood Horses are more stable and thus their adult relationships are more successful."
LMAO
http://www.usbridalguide.com/special/chinesehoroscopes/Horse.htm
http://www.usbridalguide.com/special/chinesehoroscopes/Tiger.htm
Now okay what the hell. This is getting really creepy!
"Once they get into their job, they forget all other things, even breathing. You can say they do everything with all their energy."
http://www.chinavoc.com/zodiac/tiger/person.asp
KEKEKEKEKEKEKKEKE.
Setting the silliness aside, disregarding horoscopes, I'm glad I fell for her, and I'm glad that I'm still falling. Even though I know it won't end well for me.
Excuse me for being a psycho rejected fool. I guess I'm still in denial. BUT STILL LET ME ENJOY THIS HAPPY MOMENT LOL.
Tiger*Horse
"You are destined for an exciting life together."
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.
Some random lady sat on my mom's seat while my mom went to get food, and I felt like vomiting because of her strong perfume smell. I hate it when people put too much smelling things on themselves in restaurants and I have to be near them! It's disgusting. Luckily she left right after a picture, which felt like more than 30 minutes.
Foods I really really liked were the baked salmon and chicken on a stick, which tasted like pork. I'll remember that next time I think of 99 Buffet. Both were really really really tender and moist.
That's not what I like most about this day though. It's not the food. It's the fucking placemat. It was about the 12 Chinese Zodiac shit. I'm a horse, born 1990. It says I'm impatient. Yes! That's fucking right. I'll keep reading on, it tells the truth... I'm ostentatious... And then it happened. "YOU SHOULD MARRY A TIGER or a dog." And then I looked at the Tiger's info, "Born: 1986" and LMAO. Hell fucking yeah. My parents must have thought I was crazy for the remainder of that time in the restaurant because I was smiling too much... they probably thought I was smiling because of the good food. For sure they would've thought I was crazy if they seen me in the car, luckily I sat in the back with no one.
I like this reason to be happy.
I know where I got my lying impulses from. My family. I was supposed to lie where my brother was during that time in the restaurant when my parent's friend asked "where is your brother?" (he didn't go, he was trying to beat Shin Akuma), but they didn't tell me to lie before she asked, so I told the truth that he was home. On our way back home, my dad and mom were like YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIE DO YOU. I was supposed to say that he was at another party.
Edit: Reading Wikipedia, about the western Zodiac. And I just read "Based on Elements within the Zodiac, Leo is considered compatible with Aries, Sagittarius and Leo itself." LMAO, LEO ITSELF. I thought it was only Aries and Sagittarius but HELL YEAH. This is a fucking movie.
Edit 2: About the Leo lady.
"but you will learn about life and living and love. Her nature is fiery; she is passionate, giving and generous...
She abhors the humdrum, routine, and stupid."
LMAO
About me.
"He loves to see you laugh, as long as you are laughing with and not at him... he is repelled by women who use too much makeup by women who cry openly (it's much more effective to utilize a dramatic sob) by women..."
WTF. I HAVE TO FIND THIS ALAKAZAM. OR MEWTWO.
http://www.jyotishvani.com/freematchmaking/leo/leo-leo.asp
"Horses are energetic spouses who fall in love quite rapidly. Along with their spontaneity comes a bit of impatience and they demonstrate that when they meet someone they want to be involved with. They throw all of themselves into a relationship, sometimes losing tiny bits and pieces of themselves along the way. However, a light at the end of the tunnel: in adulthood Horses are more stable and thus their adult relationships are more successful."
LMAO
http://www.usbridalguide.com/special/chinesehoroscopes/Horse.htm
http://www.usbridalguide.com/special/chinesehoroscopes/Tiger.htm
Now okay what the hell. This is getting really creepy!
"Once they get into their job, they forget all other things, even breathing. You can say they do everything with all their energy."
http://www.chinavoc.com/zodiac/tiger/person.asp
KEKEKEKEKEKEKKEKE.
Setting the silliness aside, disregarding horoscopes, I'm glad I fell for her, and I'm glad that I'm still falling. Even though I know it won't end well for me.
Excuse me for being a psycho rejected fool. I guess I'm still in denial. BUT STILL LET ME ENJOY THIS HAPPY MOMENT LOL.
Tiger*Horse
"You are destined for an exciting life together."
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Appearance
I felt like I haven't blogged in awhile.
I've been typing up some entries in this "post-new" page, but I close it when I'm midway through writing.
I should be studying.
Every time I'm home, I feel lost.
I like staying in the library. I don't do anything. I sit in the corner near the window and think. I hold a pen and some notebook paper though, and scribble stuff. I look forward to this moment every day. It's every Thursday, I stay there for at least four hours. Actually, I read the Advocate, the school newspaper, if its available. It doesn't take me that long though, because there are only certain writers that I read. I skim through everything else, but I read whatever is under Opinion.
Jason... you're real. That's what my English and Teacher Cadet teacher in high school told me. I'm holding on to those words, and I'm trying to believe it. But it gets hard. And when I think it's hard, I think I'm not real anymore. It's hard.
I find myself criticizing people harshly in my mind. I ask myself questions about them, and I answer them myself. I should get rid of this habit. I try to sometimes, but when I do criticize, it boosts my self-esteem. So I have to sacrifice either my way of thinking or my self-esteem. I am such a bad person.
My Beginning Piano class ended today. I'll miss playing a piano, but I'm taking Continuing Piano next semester. I'll miss my teacher. She's really nice, and I'm sure it's for the right reasons. Reasons I believe people should be nice for.
I'll miss my Philosophy class. It helped me get through a lot of things, and it made me think... and when I'm in that class, I feel like I'm doing the right things in my life. I'll miss his sermons. I think I learned the most in his class compared to any other class I took. I thought of stuff like that before, but it only enhanced and encouraged my way of thinking, I think.
I'll miss my Physiology class. My teacher is too nice. She teaches because she wants to, and she teaches not only for herself, but for the students. I want to be like her. She sympathizes, she's understanding, and she cares. During a classmate's presentation that included the death of her baby, I could see her crying even when her head is turned the other way, and I'm sitting in the back. I was supposed to cry too, I did feel sad though, but I thought of, why would she bring that up, when the purpose is to teach us (these presentations are to educate the peers)? Can her real motive behind that story be to create sympathy, find a teacher's weak spot, so she can have a better grade? Or I guess people just like sharing feelings in general, especially strong feelings. It doesn't make any difference though, what's sad is sad. Judging doesn't really change my feelings.
I'll also miss my lab partner. He's cool and awesome, a very supportive colleague. And goofy. And goofy looking. I think we should hang out. I like my other lab partner too. I like it when she smiles. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right.
My best friend is changing schools. She says she doesn't like CCC. Maybe it's the people there and I'm one of those people. FML. I want to give her a gift for Christmas. It will be the first Christmas gift I ever gave to a friend. I wonder what I should give.
I was reading a Maple Story friend's blog. She's funny. I wish I was like her. I can't be her kind of funny though because it won't be consistent, which is her style. Consistent funny. Funny all over your face kind of funny.
I wear glasses to see the board in school. I got them four years ago. I remember I was going to choose those really thick dark framed glasses, but the guy said I look too old, so I chose these really thin Flexons. Then after that day, those dark framed glasses became trendy. Or maybe it was trendy before and I just noticed it. Anyways, my new glasses come in five days.
I keep sleeping.
I miss waking up happy.
Sorry for the gloomy entry.
I've been typing up some entries in this "post-new" page, but I close it when I'm midway through writing.
I should be studying.
Every time I'm home, I feel lost.
I like staying in the library. I don't do anything. I sit in the corner near the window and think. I hold a pen and some notebook paper though, and scribble stuff. I look forward to this moment every day. It's every Thursday, I stay there for at least four hours. Actually, I read the Advocate, the school newspaper, if its available. It doesn't take me that long though, because there are only certain writers that I read. I skim through everything else, but I read whatever is under Opinion.
Jason... you're real. That's what my English and Teacher Cadet teacher in high school told me. I'm holding on to those words, and I'm trying to believe it. But it gets hard. And when I think it's hard, I think I'm not real anymore. It's hard.
I find myself criticizing people harshly in my mind. I ask myself questions about them, and I answer them myself. I should get rid of this habit. I try to sometimes, but when I do criticize, it boosts my self-esteem. So I have to sacrifice either my way of thinking or my self-esteem. I am such a bad person.
My Beginning Piano class ended today. I'll miss playing a piano, but I'm taking Continuing Piano next semester. I'll miss my teacher. She's really nice, and I'm sure it's for the right reasons. Reasons I believe people should be nice for.
I'll miss my Philosophy class. It helped me get through a lot of things, and it made me think... and when I'm in that class, I feel like I'm doing the right things in my life. I'll miss his sermons. I think I learned the most in his class compared to any other class I took. I thought of stuff like that before, but it only enhanced and encouraged my way of thinking, I think.
I'll miss my Physiology class. My teacher is too nice. She teaches because she wants to, and she teaches not only for herself, but for the students. I want to be like her. She sympathizes, she's understanding, and she cares. During a classmate's presentation that included the death of her baby, I could see her crying even when her head is turned the other way, and I'm sitting in the back. I was supposed to cry too, I did feel sad though, but I thought of, why would she bring that up, when the purpose is to teach us (these presentations are to educate the peers)? Can her real motive behind that story be to create sympathy, find a teacher's weak spot, so she can have a better grade? Or I guess people just like sharing feelings in general, especially strong feelings. It doesn't make any difference though, what's sad is sad. Judging doesn't really change my feelings.
I'll also miss my lab partner. He's cool and awesome, a very supportive colleague. And goofy. And goofy looking. I think we should hang out. I like my other lab partner too. I like it when she smiles. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right.
My best friend is changing schools. She says she doesn't like CCC. Maybe it's the people there and I'm one of those people. FML. I want to give her a gift for Christmas. It will be the first Christmas gift I ever gave to a friend. I wonder what I should give.
I was reading a Maple Story friend's blog. She's funny. I wish I was like her. I can't be her kind of funny though because it won't be consistent, which is her style. Consistent funny. Funny all over your face kind of funny.
I wear glasses to see the board in school. I got them four years ago. I remember I was going to choose those really thick dark framed glasses, but the guy said I look too old, so I chose these really thin Flexons. Then after that day, those dark framed glasses became trendy. Or maybe it was trendy before and I just noticed it. Anyways, my new glasses come in five days.
I keep sleeping.
I miss waking up happy.
Sorry for the gloomy entry.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Christmas Tree 2009
From a child's eye. Actually, that's too small for a child. How about... an Asian child's eye. Whose dad isn't Yao Ming.
There's a small peek hole split in our blinds. We always keep it closed, but a little open so we can peek at the neighbors outside. But now that our tree is there, we can't peek.
Yeay lights! It sounds out Christmas tunes... in beeps. The lights are over 20 years old (it has been passed down from our auntie, whose kids are now 28, and 26... I think).
This picture didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. Oh well.
This is under the tree. Our buddy in the middle is 22 years old.
Square spaghetti! I was about to warm it.
I didn't decorate my room yet, I'll take pictures of that tomorrow after I finish dusting and decorating my room.
We also put up our lights outside.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
It's Bothering Me
I took a long nap and now I can’t sleep.
I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, or the concept for years. It’s kind of fresh in my mind at the moment and its something I believe in… so sorry in advance if I’m saying so many things that don’t make sense… I’m trying to get it down fast so I won’t forget. Especially since I’m in the mood and have the feelings for this entry. I hope I won’t lose the mood in the future and delete this. I want to reflect on this later on in life.
I don’t have real evidence on what I’m about to say, but its based on experience.
“I love you.” A person says this as a confession (I think, I didn’t really see much confessions in person, but it’s what I see in dramas or movies or whatever). But that person gets rejected. So now, what the fuck, that person has to move on, right? And then that person finally moves on. What the person felt, I don’t believe it was love. But I don’t know what the fuck it was.
Is there another way to say what feeling it was without lying about it? What the fuck is that lifting heart feeling. Being attached to a person… can’t get the person out of your head. Rejecting everyone else because you think you love that person. The heart jumping feeling when you see the person's square behind their Window's Live icon morph into green… waiting for the person to be available all day and when they finally are available you just stare at their name and do something else... reading conversations over and over again... thinking of the future and seeing only that person ...
I felt that, numerous times. I know when I truly love someone, I’ll love her forever. I wonder if there is another way to say it, because it’s most likely not love when “I love you” is spoken. If it was love, but the person gets rejected, then those words would be a lie. And how can that lie be justified? Just because it’s not being “felt” anymore? I shouldn’t say feel or felt though, because love isn’t a feeling. I think it isn’t a feeling… and I hope it isn’t a feeling. Because people can say “I’m mad.” But later on, they’ll say “I’m not mad anymore.” Is love on that level of feeling? “I love you.” “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Holy shit. It probably is.
Gah I’m rushing I’m starting to forget what I have to say but anyways…
Marriage. Loving forever, and then divorcing. “I don’t love you forever anymore.” What the fuck. I know what my parents have is love. Or something beyond love. On a side note, my dad’s a Libra and my mom’s an Aquarius. I looked it up on that compatibility chart thingie and it’s one of the best combinations.
I know what my grandparents have is love (on my dad’s side). I still remember it fresh in my mind. I was five years old. My grandfather died. We rushed over… well tried to, the plane flew as fast as it can I guess. The first sight to my grandmother’s face… holy shit, it was the saddest face I ever saw in my life. I remember it clearly. Holy shit. It looked sad as hell. It wasn’t just tears, she looked so sad… her face… her expression. I remember entering the room and seeing her just sitting there, crying. She loved him so much.
Maybe it’s an ability people are born with. People can love forever, and some people can’t?
I’m going to confess and say that I said those words three times, and felt “that feeling” four times. I hope it wasn’t love. And I hope that if it was, that I’d stick with that feeling forever.
Out of those four times, only one accepted my love. That was my first love. I was 15. She was 13. It was the first time I felt that feeling. I was an egocentric asshole. I’m not going to go into details, but we are still really great friends, we connect so much. I was the rebounder when she was rejected. I helped her get through, I could make her smile, and she understood me. I’ll cherish what we had forever. I’m sorry to myself that I wasn’t cooperating, I was such a boy. It was online, she lived in the East side of the US. The bad thing about liking quiet or shy guys is the lack of communication and their lack of communication.
The next three times I’ve felt it, I notice these rejectors have something in common. Their parents are not together. Two of them don’t like boys… no they do not swing the other way. They have some kind of hate against them… (I find that cute though). I'm scared that they'll never learn and know of this true love.
People will use the higher version of the word for more emphasis to show off their feelings. So creating a new word, higher than love, will still be the same I guess. Saying I love you and saying I love ice cream… those love words have different meanings. That word will forever be insulted if they ever make a greater word than love. Say it’s called… Blove. People will say I blove ice cream. Again, this is what I think based on experience, people want to show emphasis on their feelings.
I’ll be careful saying I love you in a serious confession. But then again, if I confess, it’s going to be something I really feel and think I’m feeling because there is no stronger feeling than that feeling I think.
I’m confused as hell, I don’t know what I’m saying anymore, but then I again I don’t know what I was saying in the beginning when I said I love you. I did not know what I’d get myself and the person into.
There has to be something beyond that feeling I've felt. I hope there is.
I know I don’t make any sense, I’m sleepy and I’m writing stuff down… I’m sure I forgot more of what I wanted to say. This post is incomplete. I don't think I'll edit this later too because I'm embarrassed to read it myself.
I drew the Monopoly guy on my Physiology notebook during lecture. I thought of the Pringles can guy and the Monopoly guy. They look kinda similar.
Edit: Actually I looked them up side by side and they don't. Dammit!
I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, or the concept for years. It’s kind of fresh in my mind at the moment and its something I believe in… so sorry in advance if I’m saying so many things that don’t make sense… I’m trying to get it down fast so I won’t forget. Especially since I’m in the mood and have the feelings for this entry. I hope I won’t lose the mood in the future and delete this. I want to reflect on this later on in life.
I don’t have real evidence on what I’m about to say, but its based on experience.
“I love you.” A person says this as a confession (I think, I didn’t really see much confessions in person, but it’s what I see in dramas or movies or whatever). But that person gets rejected. So now, what the fuck, that person has to move on, right? And then that person finally moves on. What the person felt, I don’t believe it was love. But I don’t know what the fuck it was.
Is there another way to say what feeling it was without lying about it? What the fuck is that lifting heart feeling. Being attached to a person… can’t get the person out of your head. Rejecting everyone else because you think you love that person. The heart jumping feeling when you see the person's square behind their Window's Live icon morph into green… waiting for the person to be available all day and when they finally are available you just stare at their name and do something else... reading conversations over and over again... thinking of the future and seeing only that person ...
I felt that, numerous times. I know when I truly love someone, I’ll love her forever. I wonder if there is another way to say it, because it’s most likely not love when “I love you” is spoken. If it was love, but the person gets rejected, then those words would be a lie. And how can that lie be justified? Just because it’s not being “felt” anymore? I shouldn’t say feel or felt though, because love isn’t a feeling. I think it isn’t a feeling… and I hope it isn’t a feeling. Because people can say “I’m mad.” But later on, they’ll say “I’m not mad anymore.” Is love on that level of feeling? “I love you.” “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Holy shit. It probably is.
Gah I’m rushing I’m starting to forget what I have to say but anyways…
Marriage. Loving forever, and then divorcing. “I don’t love you forever anymore.” What the fuck. I know what my parents have is love. Or something beyond love. On a side note, my dad’s a Libra and my mom’s an Aquarius. I looked it up on that compatibility chart thingie and it’s one of the best combinations.
I know what my grandparents have is love (on my dad’s side). I still remember it fresh in my mind. I was five years old. My grandfather died. We rushed over… well tried to, the plane flew as fast as it can I guess. The first sight to my grandmother’s face… holy shit, it was the saddest face I ever saw in my life. I remember it clearly. Holy shit. It looked sad as hell. It wasn’t just tears, she looked so sad… her face… her expression. I remember entering the room and seeing her just sitting there, crying. She loved him so much.
Maybe it’s an ability people are born with. People can love forever, and some people can’t?
I’m going to confess and say that I said those words three times, and felt “that feeling” four times. I hope it wasn’t love. And I hope that if it was, that I’d stick with that feeling forever.
Out of those four times, only one accepted my love. That was my first love. I was 15. She was 13. It was the first time I felt that feeling. I was an egocentric asshole. I’m not going to go into details, but we are still really great friends, we connect so much. I was the rebounder when she was rejected. I helped her get through, I could make her smile, and she understood me. I’ll cherish what we had forever. I’m sorry to myself that I wasn’t cooperating, I was such a boy. It was online, she lived in the East side of the US. The bad thing about liking quiet or shy guys is the lack of communication and their lack of communication.
The next three times I’ve felt it, I notice these rejectors have something in common. Their parents are not together. Two of them don’t like boys… no they do not swing the other way. They have some kind of hate against them… (I find that cute though). I'm scared that they'll never learn and know of this true love.
People will use the higher version of the word for more emphasis to show off their feelings. So creating a new word, higher than love, will still be the same I guess. Saying I love you and saying I love ice cream… those love words have different meanings. That word will forever be insulted if they ever make a greater word than love. Say it’s called… Blove. People will say I blove ice cream. Again, this is what I think based on experience, people want to show emphasis on their feelings.
I’ll be careful saying I love you in a serious confession. But then again, if I confess, it’s going to be something I really feel and think I’m feeling because there is no stronger feeling than that feeling I think.
I’m confused as hell, I don’t know what I’m saying anymore, but then I again I don’t know what I was saying in the beginning when I said I love you. I did not know what I’d get myself and the person into.
There has to be something beyond that feeling I've felt. I hope there is.
I know I don’t make any sense, I’m sleepy and I’m writing stuff down… I’m sure I forgot more of what I wanted to say. This post is incomplete. I don't think I'll edit this later too because I'm embarrassed to read it myself.
I drew the Monopoly guy on my Physiology notebook during lecture. I thought of the Pringles can guy and the Monopoly guy. They look kinda similar.
Edit: Actually I looked them up side by side and they don't. Dammit!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Relapse
Lately I’ve been hard to reach
I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
Like I’m reaching out for you.
I’m just so fucking depressed
I just can’t seem to get out of this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick the mic back up
I don’t know how or why or when
I ended up being in the position I’m in
I’m starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can’t admit or come to grips
With the fact that I may be
Done with rap, I need a new outlet
And I know some shit so hard to swallow
But I just can’t sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow, but I know one fact
I’ll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
I’ll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you’d have to walk a thousand miles
In my shoes just to see
What it’s like to be me
I’ll be you, lets trade shoes
Just to see what it be like to
Feel your pain, you’ll feel mine
We’ll go inside each other’s minds
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each others eyes
Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
I think I’m starting to lose my sense of humor, everything ‘s so tense and gloomy, I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room just as soon as I walk in, Its like all eyes on me, so I try to avoid any eye contact
Cuz if I do that, then it opens a door for conversation, like I want that!
I’m not looking for extra attention, I just want to just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room, maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don’t need no fucking man servant, Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass Laugh at every single joke I crack, and half of them ain’t even funny like
“Haa! Marshall you’re so funny man
you should be a comedian god damn”
Unfortunately I am, I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don’t you all sit down, listen to the tale I’m about to tell
Hell, we don’t gotta trade our shoes, and you ain’t gotta to walk no thousand miles
In my shoes just to see
What it’s like to be me
I’ll be you, lets trade shoes
Just to see what it be like to
Feel your pain, you’ll feel mine
We’ll go inside each other’s minds
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each others eyes
Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don’t let them say you aint’ beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we’re dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
and flip them don’t expect no help
Now I could’ve either just sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I’m placed, get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags
Or sat on the porch and hoped and pray for his dad to show up, who never did!
I just wanted to fit in
In every single place
and every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid
And aunt Edna always told me
Keep making that face it’ll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I’m just standing there
Holding my tongue trying talk like “this”
Til I stuck my tongue on a frozen stop sign pole at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then, cuz I wasn’t trying to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story, not just based on my description
Cuz where you see it, from where you’re sitting, its prolly 110 percent different
I guess we would have to walk a mile in each other’s shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10’s, lets see if you could fit your feet
In my shoes just to see
What it’s like to be me
I’ll be you, lets trade shoes
Just to see what it be like to
Feel your pain, you’ll feel mine
We’ll go inside each other’s minds
Just to see what we find
Looking through each others eyes
Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Lately I’ve been hard to reach
I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
Like I’m reaching out for you.
Yeah, to my babies, stay strong, dad will be home soon, and to the rest of the world. God gave you them shoes, to fit you… so put them on and wear them and be yourself man, be proud of who you are. Even if it sounds corny, don’t ever let no one tell you, you aint beautiful…
~Eminem, Beautiful
Monday, November 30, 2009
Last November 2009 Dinner
The last of The Taco.
Listening to: Portishead- Roads
Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.
How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.
Storm,
In the morning light,
I feel,
No more can I say,
Frozen to myself.
I got nobody on my side,
And surely that ain't right,
Surely that ain't right.
Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.
How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.
How can it feel this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.
Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.
How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Bringin' it Back
I'm listening to my favorite band in high school, ZONE. They disbanded in 05', but I started listening to them in 07' because I finally found the song Sotsugyou on youtube, my first JPOP song in 04' that I have been looking all those years until I found it that year in 07'.
I haven't been keeping up with them. I know Maiko is in MARIA, Takayo and Miyu are going solo... last song I heard from Miyu is ROSE, and last album I heard from Takayo was her Best Friends album. Mizuho was pouring drinks at a restaurant place thing, and there wasn't any news on Tomoka... that was a little more than a year ago.
Miyu sang R&B for a bit too. I actually LOVE Japanese R&B and Hip Hop... I wonder why it isn't as popular as the other Jpop songs in the US. I need translations! I'm guessing its because most of the Jpop songs that people here in the US listen to are from artists that sang a theme song or something for an anime. Most animes don't start off or end with an R&B or Hip Hop song.
Just a few minutes ago, I thought of why I loved ZONE so much back then... and I know why...
They mended my first broken heart with tape. The tape lost its stickiness and fell out, so I'm listening to them again.
And also, Tomoka was too cute!
(Translated by Vllasko.com's Adrian Nomura)
AKASHI- My Testimony
naze boku wa koko ni iru no ka? doshaburi no ame no naka de
why am I here? in this pouring rain
ashita no tame ni boku wa iru no ka? nani ga dekiru no ka?
do I exist for the sake of tomorrow? what is there that I can do?
dareka oshiete, dareka kizuite, dareka boku ni sono kotae wo
someone tell me, someone notice me, someone answer me
hito no uzu mayoikonde miageta biru no hazama de
lost my way in the swirl of people in the valley of buildings, looking up
chiisaku mieta chigireta sora ni nomi komaresou de
I seemed so small; nearly swallowed up by the tattered sky
dareka oshiete, dareka kizuite, dareka boku ni sono kotae wo
someone tell me, someone notice me, someone answer me
ima boku ga ikiru jibun no ibasho sagashi motomete sakenderu
at this moment, I'm living screaming, as I search for the place I belong
mayoi tsukaretemo sakebi tsukaretemo mou nigetaku wa nai yo...
should I tire of wandering, tire of screaming I don't ever want to run away any more
nani mo nai kono heya no sumi uzukumari tsukarehatete
in the corner of this empty room huddled in exhaustion
nemuru koto sae obiete ita kizutsuita boku ni...
too afraid to even sleep noticeable were my wounds
dareka oshiete, dareka kizuite, dareka boku ni sono kotae wo
someone tell me, someone notice me, someone answer me
ima boku ga ikiru jibun no ibasho sagashi motomete sakenderu
I'm living in this moment screaming, as I search for a place I belong
mayoi tsukaretemo sakebi tsukaretemo mou nigetaku wa nai yo...
should I tire of wandering, tire of screaming I don't ever want to run away any more
moshi boku ga shinde namida wo nagasu hito ga iru nara...
if I were to die, would people shed a tear for me...
namida ga hidari no kodou wo yurasu furueagaru akashi wo
The tears cause my heartbeat to tremble trembling uncontrollably, my testimony
boku wa koko ni iru ima ikite iru sakebi tsuzukete susumu...
I'm here, living in the moment and continue to go on screaming
EGAO BIYORI- DAYS OF SMILING FACES (their last song, such an appropriate video too... and lyrics!)
kokoro saku konnanimo akaruku kimi wo kanjiru kara
feeling that much brightness in you makes my heart blossom
donna tooku hanaretatte kono omoi wa tsunagatte irunda
no matter what kind of distance separates us, we'll be connected by this feeling
toritomemo naku hibi sugiteku keredo (sugiteiku keredo)
although the days just sort of pass on by...
kimi ga iru rarara(lalala) hanauta majiride (hanauta majiride)
you are here and I was humming "lalala" unconcernedly
tatoebane shuumatsu yakusoku shitara
if, for example, we'd make a weekend promise,
wasure chauyo namida no hibimo
I would forget even the tearful days
iroirona kotomo kini shiteshimau
I can't help getting concerned about a variety of things
demone sonna jibun ga aiishiyo
but, you know, I like that about myself
urara kana kyoumo todoiteiruyo kimi ga hanatsu hikari
your radiant light has delivered today as well
saki hajimeta hana nigiyakana machi nimo
like a flower about to bloom in a bustling town
arigatou konna nimo akaruku kimi wo kanjiru kara
thank you; for I feel that sort of vibrance about you
donna tooku hanare tatte kono omoi wa tsunagatte irunda itsumademo
no matter what kind of distance separates us, we'll be connected by this feeling
hayaoki ga nigate na itsumo no asamo (itsumo no asamo)
even though I'm not good at waking up early
iroaseta saenai itsumono machimo (itsumo no machimo)
and even though this town is usually drab
sawagashii hito gomisuri nukete ikou
let's navigate through the crowd of noisy people
kokoro odoru nani kara hanasou
my heart is racing. what should I talk about first?
demo donna tokimo ki wo nukanaide
but I shouldn't lose focus at any time
doki doki surukedo kimochi osaete
although my heart is beating rapidly in excitement, I need to control my feelings
kokoro saku kimi no iru basho made kono hikari todokete
to deliver this light to the place where you are
naze ka akashingou wa itsumoyori nagakute
somehow the red traffic light is longer than normal
hashiri dashi sou ni sawagu kokoro afuresou ni naruyo
and my racing heart feels as if it is about to overflow
ashibumi shite ao ni kawaru sono shunkan wo kokoro no nakade kazoeteru
the stomping of my feet seems as if it causes the light to change green; for I am counting those moments in my heart
arigatou nakitai yoru datte hitomi tojite mireba
thank you; for on those nights that I felt like I wanted to cry, If I try to close my eyes
azayaka ni utsuru orenji no yokogao
your side profile is vividly projected in orange
urara kana kyoumo todoiteiruyo kimi ga hanatsu hikari
your radiant light has delivered today as well
saki hajimeta hana nigiyakana machi nimo
like a flower about to bloom in a bustling town
arigatou konna nimo akaruku kimi wo kanjiru kara
thank you; for I feel that sort of vibrance about you
donna tooku hanare tatte kono omoi wa tsunagatte irunda
no matter what kind of distance separates us, we'll be connected by this feeling
-
EDIT: JUST FOUND OUT THAT TOMOKA IS BACK IN THE MUSIC BIZ <3
I haven't been keeping up with them. I know Maiko is in MARIA, Takayo and Miyu are going solo... last song I heard from Miyu is ROSE, and last album I heard from Takayo was her Best Friends album. Mizuho was pouring drinks at a restaurant place thing, and there wasn't any news on Tomoka... that was a little more than a year ago.
Miyu sang R&B for a bit too. I actually LOVE Japanese R&B and Hip Hop... I wonder why it isn't as popular as the other Jpop songs in the US. I need translations! I'm guessing its because most of the Jpop songs that people here in the US listen to are from artists that sang a theme song or something for an anime. Most animes don't start off or end with an R&B or Hip Hop song.
Just a few minutes ago, I thought of why I loved ZONE so much back then... and I know why...
They mended my first broken heart with tape. The tape lost its stickiness and fell out, so I'm listening to them again.
And also, Tomoka was too cute!
(Translated by Vllasko.com's Adrian Nomura)
AKASHI- My Testimony
naze boku wa koko ni iru no ka? doshaburi no ame no naka de
why am I here? in this pouring rain
ashita no tame ni boku wa iru no ka? nani ga dekiru no ka?
do I exist for the sake of tomorrow? what is there that I can do?
dareka oshiete, dareka kizuite, dareka boku ni sono kotae wo
someone tell me, someone notice me, someone answer me
hito no uzu mayoikonde miageta biru no hazama de
lost my way in the swirl of people in the valley of buildings, looking up
chiisaku mieta chigireta sora ni nomi komaresou de
I seemed so small; nearly swallowed up by the tattered sky
dareka oshiete, dareka kizuite, dareka boku ni sono kotae wo
someone tell me, someone notice me, someone answer me
ima boku ga ikiru jibun no ibasho sagashi motomete sakenderu
at this moment, I'm living screaming, as I search for the place I belong
mayoi tsukaretemo sakebi tsukaretemo mou nigetaku wa nai yo...
should I tire of wandering, tire of screaming I don't ever want to run away any more
nani mo nai kono heya no sumi uzukumari tsukarehatete
in the corner of this empty room huddled in exhaustion
nemuru koto sae obiete ita kizutsuita boku ni...
too afraid to even sleep noticeable were my wounds
dareka oshiete, dareka kizuite, dareka boku ni sono kotae wo
someone tell me, someone notice me, someone answer me
ima boku ga ikiru jibun no ibasho sagashi motomete sakenderu
I'm living in this moment screaming, as I search for a place I belong
mayoi tsukaretemo sakebi tsukaretemo mou nigetaku wa nai yo...
should I tire of wandering, tire of screaming I don't ever want to run away any more
moshi boku ga shinde namida wo nagasu hito ga iru nara...
if I were to die, would people shed a tear for me...
namida ga hidari no kodou wo yurasu furueagaru akashi wo
The tears cause my heartbeat to tremble trembling uncontrollably, my testimony
boku wa koko ni iru ima ikite iru sakebi tsuzukete susumu...
I'm here, living in the moment and continue to go on screaming
EGAO BIYORI- DAYS OF SMILING FACES (their last song, such an appropriate video too... and lyrics!)
kokoro saku konnanimo akaruku kimi wo kanjiru kara
feeling that much brightness in you makes my heart blossom
donna tooku hanaretatte kono omoi wa tsunagatte irunda
no matter what kind of distance separates us, we'll be connected by this feeling
toritomemo naku hibi sugiteku keredo (sugiteiku keredo)
although the days just sort of pass on by...
kimi ga iru rarara(lalala) hanauta majiride (hanauta majiride)
you are here and I was humming "lalala" unconcernedly
tatoebane shuumatsu yakusoku shitara
if, for example, we'd make a weekend promise,
wasure chauyo namida no hibimo
I would forget even the tearful days
iroirona kotomo kini shiteshimau
I can't help getting concerned about a variety of things
demone sonna jibun ga aiishiyo
but, you know, I like that about myself
urara kana kyoumo todoiteiruyo kimi ga hanatsu hikari
your radiant light has delivered today as well
saki hajimeta hana nigiyakana machi nimo
like a flower about to bloom in a bustling town
arigatou konna nimo akaruku kimi wo kanjiru kara
thank you; for I feel that sort of vibrance about you
donna tooku hanare tatte kono omoi wa tsunagatte irunda itsumademo
no matter what kind of distance separates us, we'll be connected by this feeling
hayaoki ga nigate na itsumo no asamo (itsumo no asamo)
even though I'm not good at waking up early
iroaseta saenai itsumono machimo (itsumo no machimo)
and even though this town is usually drab
sawagashii hito gomisuri nukete ikou
let's navigate through the crowd of noisy people
kokoro odoru nani kara hanasou
my heart is racing. what should I talk about first?
demo donna tokimo ki wo nukanaide
but I shouldn't lose focus at any time
doki doki surukedo kimochi osaete
although my heart is beating rapidly in excitement, I need to control my feelings
kokoro saku kimi no iru basho made kono hikari todokete
to deliver this light to the place where you are
naze ka akashingou wa itsumoyori nagakute
somehow the red traffic light is longer than normal
hashiri dashi sou ni sawagu kokoro afuresou ni naruyo
and my racing heart feels as if it is about to overflow
ashibumi shite ao ni kawaru sono shunkan wo kokoro no nakade kazoeteru
the stomping of my feet seems as if it causes the light to change green; for I am counting those moments in my heart
arigatou nakitai yoru datte hitomi tojite mireba
thank you; for on those nights that I felt like I wanted to cry, If I try to close my eyes
azayaka ni utsuru orenji no yokogao
your side profile is vividly projected in orange
urara kana kyoumo todoiteiruyo kimi ga hanatsu hikari
your radiant light has delivered today as well
saki hajimeta hana nigiyakana machi nimo
like a flower about to bloom in a bustling town
arigatou konna nimo akaruku kimi wo kanjiru kara
thank you; for I feel that sort of vibrance about you
donna tooku hanare tatte kono omoi wa tsunagatte irunda
no matter what kind of distance separates us, we'll be connected by this feeling
-
EDIT: JUST FOUND OUT THAT TOMOKA IS BACK IN THE MUSIC BIZ <3
Saturday, November 28, 2009
오,하이
Yeay!!! I hope nothing changes. I'm just letting everyone know that I'm satisfied!
We got a new camera. It's a 10MP Nikkon Coolpix s203, for $47 from Black Friday. My mom regretted not getting two. It's quick and easy to take pictures with it. It's really small too...at least, small for us, it's like 3x smaller than our older digital camera (it's as old as my computer). This new camera is like the size of a Pokemon card deck (60 cards) without the sleeves.
This was from my computer chair... like five hours ago or so.
Lumpia snack.
Few seconds later. I ate the other one.
-
Finished You're Beautiful. OMG. Best. Drama. EVER.
There's so much I have to say about this, but before this gets lost in the galaxy of my mind...
Episode 15, Shin Woo confesses the SECOND time. I was like WTF PATHETIC!!! SHE REJECTED YOU ALREADY, YOU LOOK LIKE A LAUGHABLE LOSER. He gets rejected again.
And then on episode 16... I GOT OWNED, because he was right. He tells TK “It may have looked pathetic and laughable to you, but because I tried everything I could, I was able to let her go.” He's referring to that second confession. HOLY SHIT. *SWOON* But bleh, she rejected the guy hotter than the hottie.
I added these quotes to the quote section.
“You just stand there and watch her run away because its difficult for her, but you’ve never thought of going after her. Fine. Protect your pride and wait until she runs off far away.”~Shin Woo, from You’re Beautiful
“Waiting and not telling her is the same thing as not waiting at all, you self-centered asshole.”~ Jeremy from You’re Beautiful
This is officially my all time favorite drama. Some dramas make me bored in the middle, but this one didn't, I watched all the way like an owl. I love the cast so much!
I want to post pictures but I don't want to ruin their images. If I post a pictures of this drama I want to make sure it catches their best features... like right now, I can't find any good pictures of Shin Woo's gorgeous eyes. I'm trying to find a picture of when his eyes illuminate from a look at Go Min Nam. I probably can't find any though because you can only see eyes sparkle like that in pictures that actually move, watching the actual drama.
I really like how these guys dealt with rejection.
And this drama makes me want to look cute (er).
The way these guys think also reminds me of the way I think. It's hilarious. TK's fantasies and analyzing situations, Jeremy's homo feelings, Jeremy's love style, Manager Ma's thinking like the Super Junior's Sorry Sorry parody... there's so much more.
Never again, will I have to anticipate a Friday night date with Go Min Nam, Shin Woo, TK, Jeremy, and Manager Ma. It's saddening, but I'll find another drama and deal with it that way.
I'm going to watch this drama again. Not now, but I want to watch it again soon.
Music's awesome too. Of course it should be, because, it's about a band. Well, the characters are band members. It's about love!
The final song. The final song he wrote. It was so appropriate at that time, and my time:
What Should I Do- Park Da Ye
English Translated, thanks to starones (starones.wordpress.com)
As I let you walk another step away, it brings tears to my eyes
As you walk another step away, it brings tears to my eyes
I reach out my hand, but you go where I can’t approach
I can’t hold onto you, I can only cry
What should I do? What should I do?
You’re leaving
What should I do? What should I do?
You’re leaving me and going away
I love you, I love you
I call out to you but you can’t hear me,
because I’m only crying out with my heart
All day, I try to erase you but I keep thinking of you
All day, I say goodbye but I think of you again
I reach out my hand, but you go where I can’t go
I can’t find you, I can only cry
We got a new camera. It's a 10MP Nikkon Coolpix s203, for $47 from Black Friday. My mom regretted not getting two. It's quick and easy to take pictures with it. It's really small too...at least, small for us, it's like 3x smaller than our older digital camera (it's as old as my computer). This new camera is like the size of a Pokemon card deck (60 cards) without the sleeves.
This was from my computer chair... like five hours ago or so.
Lumpia snack.
Few seconds later. I ate the other one.
-
Finished You're Beautiful. OMG. Best. Drama. EVER.
There's so much I have to say about this, but before this gets lost in the galaxy of my mind...
Episode 15, Shin Woo confesses the SECOND time. I was like WTF PATHETIC!!! SHE REJECTED YOU ALREADY, YOU LOOK LIKE A LAUGHABLE LOSER. He gets rejected again.
And then on episode 16... I GOT OWNED, because he was right. He tells TK “It may have looked pathetic and laughable to you, but because I tried everything I could, I was able to let her go.” He's referring to that second confession. HOLY SHIT. *SWOON* But bleh, she rejected the guy hotter than the hottie.
I added these quotes to the quote section.
“You just stand there and watch her run away because its difficult for her, but you’ve never thought of going after her. Fine. Protect your pride and wait until she runs off far away.”~Shin Woo, from You’re Beautiful
“Waiting and not telling her is the same thing as not waiting at all, you self-centered asshole.”~ Jeremy from You’re Beautiful
This is officially my all time favorite drama. Some dramas make me bored in the middle, but this one didn't, I watched all the way like an owl. I love the cast so much!
I want to post pictures but I don't want to ruin their images. If I post a pictures of this drama I want to make sure it catches their best features... like right now, I can't find any good pictures of Shin Woo's gorgeous eyes. I'm trying to find a picture of when his eyes illuminate from a look at Go Min Nam. I probably can't find any though because you can only see eyes sparkle like that in pictures that actually move, watching the actual drama.
I really like how these guys dealt with rejection.
And this drama makes me want to look cute (er).
The way these guys think also reminds me of the way I think. It's hilarious. TK's fantasies and analyzing situations, Jeremy's homo feelings, Jeremy's love style, Manager Ma's thinking like the Super Junior's Sorry Sorry parody... there's so much more.
Never again, will I have to anticipate a Friday night date with Go Min Nam, Shin Woo, TK, Jeremy, and Manager Ma. It's saddening, but I'll find another drama and deal with it that way.
I'm going to watch this drama again. Not now, but I want to watch it again soon.
Music's awesome too. Of course it should be, because, it's about a band. Well, the characters are band members. It's about love!
The final song. The final song he wrote. It was so appropriate at that time, and my time:
What Should I Do- Park Da Ye
English Translated, thanks to starones (starones.wordpress.com)
As I let you walk another step away, it brings tears to my eyes
As you walk another step away, it brings tears to my eyes
I reach out my hand, but you go where I can’t approach
I can’t hold onto you, I can only cry
What should I do? What should I do?
You’re leaving
What should I do? What should I do?
You’re leaving me and going away
I love you, I love you
I call out to you but you can’t hear me,
because I’m only crying out with my heart
All day, I try to erase you but I keep thinking of you
All day, I say goodbye but I think of you again
I reach out my hand, but you go where I can’t go
I can’t find you, I can only cry
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thanksgiving 2009
My mom cooked the turkey the day before Thanksgiving because she, and my dad had work on Thanksgiving day.
I put too much sauce to the point where it looks gross, but I like it that way.
Our cheesecake.
Six dollar Pumpkin Pie.
We karaoke'd Wednesday night.
I get too emotional.
Singing love songs with a certain person in mind that did not accept the love, felt intensely sorrowful... yet, strangely relieving.
I woke up crying again today. And felt anger. Just when I woke up though, I didn't have time to think before the anger. I wonder if that excuse is valid, or am I just pathetic? What would he say. I'll admit, I don't know.
It's raining right now. There's thunder. It's really heavy. And my mom is telling me to turn off my pc because you know, the thunder and lightning might do something to the house's electricity.
This is the first rain in months. I'm going to be self-centered, and say that nature is sympathizing with me.
I put too much sauce to the point where it looks gross, but I like it that way.
Our cheesecake.
Six dollar Pumpkin Pie.
We karaoke'd Wednesday night.
I get too emotional.
Singing love songs with a certain person in mind that did not accept the love, felt intensely sorrowful... yet, strangely relieving.
I woke up crying again today. And felt anger. Just when I woke up though, I didn't have time to think before the anger. I wonder if that excuse is valid, or am I just pathetic? What would he say. I'll admit, I don't know.
It's raining right now. There's thunder. It's really heavy. And my mom is telling me to turn off my pc because you know, the thunder and lightning might do something to the house's electricity.
This is the first rain in months. I'm going to be self-centered, and say that nature is sympathizing with me.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Slip.
I'm not used to it. And I haven't felt it much. But I'm hurt.
It's not anger. It's not hate. I feel betrayed. I feel pathetic. I feel insulted. Humiliated. I feel disappointed.
Disappointed in myself.
I feel like a fool.
I'm always in defense, ending with the most tears. In addition to the external tears, internal tears that freezes up from the ice age depression in my blood, into icicle spear shards piercing through my heart.
I'm not direct.
Men are like colonies of bacteria... the more heat you apply, the faster they grow.
I'm being delusional.
It's not the normal broken heart kind of hurt. I've been that kind of brokenhearted more than a thousand times by her already that I'm used to it.
It's something I can't explain. Because then again, I never felt it before.
When someone asks me, who my best friend is, two people come to mind.
I talk to my best friends. Once a week. Or even after three months. But they are closest to the "best friend" rank.
Friendship is discouraged in my family.
Blood is thicker than wine.
The ones who will really be there for you forever, is your family.
Just give her 10 dollars.
I never followed those words.
I gave a 40.
I wish I could give him a game.
I never thought friendships hurt. It's a reality now.
Traumatized.
My first best friend. Second grade. We were partnered up to do a Science Project together. I was so excited that he would come over to my house.
My mom said no, and to just use my brother's old science project.
I cried telling him that I have to work on it by myself.
-
Friends I invited over to my house?
I never invited anyone.
They were my brother's friends.
I'm scared. I'm scared to tell my parents I have friends.
Having friends would be a big change.
I don't like change.
I'm weird. I'm strange. Always have been.
Just a month ago...
You are really socially inept.
It's still ringing in my ears.
Break me down. Cut me into pieces. Kill me.
I really hope it satisfies your heart.
People you love hurt you the most.
I fell for it. And that's why they call it fall. Because it's a trap. I'm falling and there's nothing I can do to get back up. I'll keep falling until I hit the ground. And when you hit the ground, you get injured. I'll get injured. Even more.
I hate being attached. I hate how I'm affected. I hate not being able to figure it out. I hate not understanding. I hate how other people misunderstand.
This is the first time a friendship hurt so much.
I'm avoiding the anger.
Because anger is the last refuge of the pathetic.
Understanding comes first. And I think I get it.
This is why friendship is discouraged.
I should be smart enough to know that it's not worth it.
-
I woke up crying today. It was a premonition to this truth. This realization.
I'm sorry. I want to say I'm okay. I want to say that I've been okay. But I'm not.
It won't ever be the same again.
It's not anger. It's not hate. I feel betrayed. I feel pathetic. I feel insulted. Humiliated. I feel disappointed.
Disappointed in myself.
I feel like a fool.
I'm always in defense, ending with the most tears. In addition to the external tears, internal tears that freezes up from the ice age depression in my blood, into icicle spear shards piercing through my heart.
I'm not direct.
Men are like colonies of bacteria... the more heat you apply, the faster they grow.
I'm being delusional.
It's not the normal broken heart kind of hurt. I've been that kind of brokenhearted more than a thousand times by her already that I'm used to it.
It's something I can't explain. Because then again, I never felt it before.
When someone asks me, who my best friend is, two people come to mind.
I talk to my best friends. Once a week. Or even after three months. But they are closest to the "best friend" rank.
Friendship is discouraged in my family.
Blood is thicker than wine.
The ones who will really be there for you forever, is your family.
Just give her 10 dollars.
I never followed those words.
I gave a 40.
I wish I could give him a game.
I never thought friendships hurt. It's a reality now.
Traumatized.
My first best friend. Second grade. We were partnered up to do a Science Project together. I was so excited that he would come over to my house.
My mom said no, and to just use my brother's old science project.
I cried telling him that I have to work on it by myself.
-
Friends I invited over to my house?
I never invited anyone.
They were my brother's friends.
I'm scared. I'm scared to tell my parents I have friends.
Having friends would be a big change.
I don't like change.
I'm weird. I'm strange. Always have been.
Just a month ago...
You are really socially inept.
It's still ringing in my ears.
Break me down. Cut me into pieces. Kill me.
I really hope it satisfies your heart.
People you love hurt you the most.
I fell for it. And that's why they call it fall. Because it's a trap. I'm falling and there's nothing I can do to get back up. I'll keep falling until I hit the ground. And when you hit the ground, you get injured. I'll get injured. Even more.
I hate being attached. I hate how I'm affected. I hate not being able to figure it out. I hate not understanding. I hate how other people misunderstand.
This is the first time a friendship hurt so much.
I'm avoiding the anger.
Because anger is the last refuge of the pathetic.
Understanding comes first. And I think I get it.
This is why friendship is discouraged.
I should be smart enough to know that it's not worth it.
-
I woke up crying today. It was a premonition to this truth. This realization.
I'm sorry. I want to say I'm okay. I want to say that I've been okay. But I'm not.
It won't ever be the same again.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
You're Beautiful, Iris
I'm so hooked to two Korean dramas. Oh. My. God.
IRIS.
It's rank one in the ratings.
First I was thinking... what the hell can top You're Beautiful ?!?!
It's IRIS.
I strayed away from the usual romance-comedy dramas to watch this. It's an action, thriller, mystery, romance. I haven't watched a drama like it. I was peer pressured into watching Heroes before, but I didn't like the acting at all. But omg, IRIS is awesome. I read that it cost them 20 million dollars to produce it.
A story of betrayal, politics, mystery in the politics, love... doom, death, kill, stab, destruction, explosions, BOOM HEADSHOT. Holy shit.
The hot hacker girl, Yang Mi Jung can friggin sing. I like the song she sang in the drama, translated of course:
If I say I hurt, it might be really painful. If I say I'm sad, I'm afraid the tears will come. So I just smile. But why do people always ask why I'm crying? I don't have a heart. So it's not possible for me to hurt.I talk to myself. I ask myself. But the tears keep coming.
It's 8eight's Without a Heart: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkc-cYszev0
Haha, there's an artist called 8eight. And there's a se7en. Next will be 9ne9? Oh wait, that can't be, because seven ate nine.
....
Anyways, her, Yang Mi Jung's. IRL character has the same birthday as me. I keep lagging when I try to find a good picture of her as her character in IRIS. Oh well, here's her IRL character. I like her no teeth smile.
I don't want to spoil anything, but the pictures, and camera angles were stunning... at least, I think so. Bad thing is that it's like Dragon Ball Z, like it takes forever for the story to start happening, there's too much action and too many pictures to explain something. It's a new genre for me to watch though. It reminds me of the novels I read in high school, The Count of Monte Cristo, and Crime and Punishment. The revenge plot makes me think of The Count of Monte Cristo, while Kim Hyun Joon's look is like what I pictured Raskonikov to look like.
Big Bang's T.O.P. plays a friggin Sephiroth with a gun. A shiny SILVER gun.
He's so much hotter when he moves though. So you should watch it if you want to see a true hottie. His character is so sick. He's like the only anime looking character in the sea of political men in suits.
And there's this other sexy character that resembles Juni and Juli from Street Fighter Alpha 3.
-
Episode 14 of You're Beautiful didn't disappoint me. Shin Woo didn't break down. It was a silly scene Jeremy thought of when he was reading his fan's fanfiction. The last two episodes are coming out this week, and I'm going to be sad.
Dramas help me cope up with my own drama. I don't know what to say about the word drama! Well, I guess since my drama is already helped, I can say that I love drama!
(Thanks to soompi, that drama wiki site, and the drama for the pictures)
IRIS.
It's rank one in the ratings.
First I was thinking... what the hell can top You're Beautiful ?!?!
It's IRIS.
I strayed away from the usual romance-comedy dramas to watch this. It's an action, thriller, mystery, romance. I haven't watched a drama like it. I was peer pressured into watching Heroes before, but I didn't like the acting at all. But omg, IRIS is awesome. I read that it cost them 20 million dollars to produce it.
A story of betrayal, politics, mystery in the politics, love... doom, death, kill, stab, destruction, explosions, BOOM HEADSHOT. Holy shit.
The hot hacker girl, Yang Mi Jung can friggin sing. I like the song she sang in the drama, translated of course:
If I say I hurt, it might be really painful. If I say I'm sad, I'm afraid the tears will come. So I just smile. But why do people always ask why I'm crying? I don't have a heart. So it's not possible for me to hurt.I talk to myself. I ask myself. But the tears keep coming.
It's 8eight's Without a Heart: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkc-cYszev0
Haha, there's an artist called 8eight. And there's a se7en. Next will be 9ne9? Oh wait, that can't be, because seven ate nine.
....
Anyways, her, Yang Mi Jung's. IRL character has the same birthday as me. I keep lagging when I try to find a good picture of her as her character in IRIS. Oh well, here's her IRL character. I like her no teeth smile.
I don't want to spoil anything, but the pictures, and camera angles were stunning... at least, I think so. Bad thing is that it's like Dragon Ball Z, like it takes forever for the story to start happening, there's too much action and too many pictures to explain something. It's a new genre for me to watch though. It reminds me of the novels I read in high school, The Count of Monte Cristo, and Crime and Punishment. The revenge plot makes me think of The Count of Monte Cristo, while Kim Hyun Joon's look is like what I pictured Raskonikov to look like.
Big Bang's T.O.P. plays a friggin Sephiroth with a gun. A shiny SILVER gun.
He's so much hotter when he moves though. So you should watch it if you want to see a true hottie. His character is so sick. He's like the only anime looking character in the sea of political men in suits.
And there's this other sexy character that resembles Juni and Juli from Street Fighter Alpha 3.
-
Episode 14 of You're Beautiful didn't disappoint me. Shin Woo didn't break down. It was a silly scene Jeremy thought of when he was reading his fan's fanfiction. The last two episodes are coming out this week, and I'm going to be sad.
Dramas help me cope up with my own drama. I don't know what to say about the word drama! Well, I guess since my drama is already helped, I can say that I love drama!
(Thanks to soompi, that drama wiki site, and the drama for the pictures)
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Holy. Sexy. Alouette.
This past week I've been playing in a Maple Perver. I just want to show off my character before the server shuts down! I named my character Alouette. Because I like that name. It sounds holeh and sexeh. Even though it means "lark" in French. A lark is some kind of bird. Some kind of sexy bird. Sexy divine bird.
I wrote lots of captions on top of the pictures because I wanted some words to go with the pictures.
I wrote lots of captions on top of the pictures because I wanted some words to go with the pictures.
This is how Alouette looked.
Alouette guarding the fort.
And she grew up.
Losing the cute look.
For a more mature and sophisticated look...
Evolution happens.
Climbing the rope to her goal...
She can touch the sky.
Training. Practice. For the medal.
Improving skills as life goes on.
Though it's okay to be alone...
Friends are an enhancement. Any type will help.
Up high in the sky. Or deep down in the sea.
Reach for the castle! It ain't no hassle!
Chill.
'Coz you gotta make dat moneh.
I'll add more later. My screenshot button for Maple doesn't work so I have to Print Screen and copy it to paint to save my shots. It might not sound like it takes long, but it does for my computer.
I honestly think I did good with my CS clothes and hair. My hair is different, underrated, while I had subtle hints of various colors, notably the shirt. The black makes the blue from the crystal earrings and the scarf looking thing shine. Made the dark sexy with the shorts and the dark mysterious with the cape and hat. Hair is yellow to show more of a feminine side, and I notice yellow isn't used much in Maple. With violet eyes illuminating a sparkle foreshadowing the colors by complementing the dark hat... Although I saw three people with the same hat as me, sigh. Anyways, the black and blue can represent for a winter wear, as the yellow and the shorts symbolize for summer. Perfect for a permanent wear.
ps- All this Cash Shop dressing makes me want to redo my IRL closet.
Friday, November 20, 2009
112009
Thursdays, I wait in the library for like four hours or something. And in the library, I've been listening to these songs my friend sent me. There are two songs that catch my eye... or ear... or whatever. One song that sounds like the final boss in Donkey Kong Country 2, and the other, a German song. I can't get into the other ones, most likely because I'm not in the right type of mood for those songs. For now, I need those heavy beats that makes me wanna boom boom dance... or songs that just makes me want to sit in a dark corner and think... with my head down on my knees.
Anyways, I'm thinking about doing a misheard lyric video for the German song.
...
I just looked up misheard lyric videos for that song and there is one already:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8tyg5ikUdI
I'm hearing something different though. I'm imagining Mr. Crocker in a Vampire costume belting out "TIMMY TURNER!!" with a passionate anger. I also hear "viente Gundam", "the totem clogging" , "teeth in the coop", "viente four", "the neighbor's swagger", "look up in seven nachos", and "hand me the beret in the Quran". I just have to find the right images... but I probably won't do it because my pc will crash and I'm lazy.
Speaking of music, Christmas songs are in KOIT 96.5 FM! Yeay!
This Christmas won't be as fun as the past times though. We're celebrating it in Las Vegas, and there will be no cousin Ryan, Hazel, and Karen. My other two successful cousins want to take me out though and do bad stuff. I wonder what kind of bad stuff.
I'm thinking about becoming a Certified Nursing Assistant. Maybe that will motivate me to study better. I'll be like, "I don't want to do this anymore, I better study." It'll be my first job... and I can finally make my first Christmas givelist. Worse scenario would be that I'll like the job.
Tabula Rasa
I have a B in Physiology. I did not expect that, I don't remember studying for that class... well, I look over notes before the test, but that's it. It's not really studying. I would always have work to do still the day of the test, so I could never study the day before because I'm doing homework. I think I'll end it with a C though, I might not do so well on the Final.
The next episode preview of You're Beautiful looks friggin crazy, I can't wait... Jeremy gets his heartbroken, and Shin Woo breaks down, I saw him saying "I'll kill you all!". Holy fucking shit! Shin Woo?!?!? I love this drama so much.
Anyways, I'm thinking about doing a misheard lyric video for the German song.
...
I just looked up misheard lyric videos for that song and there is one already:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8tyg5ikUdI
I'm hearing something different though. I'm imagining Mr. Crocker in a Vampire costume belting out "TIMMY TURNER!!" with a passionate anger. I also hear "viente Gundam", "the totem clogging" , "teeth in the coop", "viente four", "the neighbor's swagger", "look up in seven nachos", and "hand me the beret in the Quran". I just have to find the right images... but I probably won't do it because my pc will crash and I'm lazy.
Speaking of music, Christmas songs are in KOIT 96.5 FM! Yeay!
This Christmas won't be as fun as the past times though. We're celebrating it in Las Vegas, and there will be no cousin Ryan, Hazel, and Karen. My other two successful cousins want to take me out though and do bad stuff. I wonder what kind of bad stuff.
I'm thinking about becoming a Certified Nursing Assistant. Maybe that will motivate me to study better. I'll be like, "I don't want to do this anymore, I better study." It'll be my first job... and I can finally make my first Christmas givelist. Worse scenario would be that I'll like the job.
Tabula Rasa
I have a B in Physiology. I did not expect that, I don't remember studying for that class... well, I look over notes before the test, but that's it. It's not really studying. I would always have work to do still the day of the test, so I could never study the day before because I'm doing homework. I think I'll end it with a C though, I might not do so well on the Final.
The next episode preview of You're Beautiful looks friggin crazy, I can't wait... Jeremy gets his heartbroken, and Shin Woo breaks down, I saw him saying "I'll kill you all!". Holy fucking shit! Shin Woo?!?!? I love this drama so much.
Monday, November 16, 2009
<3 This Song... and <3 KFC too
I got all teary eyed when I first heard this from the drama You're Beautiful (when Shin Woo sang this song for Go Mi Nam after blahpity bleh blah happened) and big droplets of the tears ran down my cheek from my eyes... it was so touching!
It's like what all the "nice guys" are feeling.
Thanks to "NulSaRangHae" from YouTube for this.
I'll write down the lyrics just in case youtube takes this video down. The English translated lyrics. From three different videos. I like the translation from the video I put up there near the beginning of my post the best though.
Maybe it's because I'm a fool.
Even when you hurt me it's okay.
Even if they say it's useless love.
It doesn't matter
Because I'm a fool
Because I wanted to, I was nice to you.
I was happy with just that.
If you laugh just once
I'm happy with just your smile.
(I don't know why it switched from 2nd person POV to 3rd)
Until that day when someone she love arrives
I'm going to stay by her side and keep loving her
Since I am happy just giving to her
I don't want anything else from her
Whenever she needs me I'll give her a hand
Whenever she calls to me I'll listen to her
I want to be part of her world
Because I love her
I'm a fool
Here's the actual clip from the drama, thanks to "TojikaxX" from youtube for this.
It's like what all the "nice guys" are feeling.
Thanks to "NulSaRangHae" from YouTube for this.
I'll write down the lyrics just in case youtube takes this video down. The English translated lyrics. From three different videos. I like the translation from the video I put up there near the beginning of my post the best though.
Maybe it's because I'm a fool.
Even when you hurt me it's okay.
Even if they say it's useless love.
It doesn't matter
Because I'm a fool
Because I wanted to, I was nice to you.
I was happy with just that.
If you laugh just once
I'm happy with just your smile.
(I don't know why it switched from 2nd person POV to 3rd)
Until that day when someone she love arrives
I'm going to stay by her side and keep loving her
Since I am happy just giving to her
I don't want anything else from her
Whenever she needs me I'll give her a hand
Whenever she calls to me I'll listen to her
I want to be part of her world
Because I love her
I'm a fool
Here's the actual clip from the drama, thanks to "TojikaxX" from youtube for this.
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