Final Resort

-Dragging multiple mutual friends in.

As much as I don't like help... I NEED it. There is no other way.

-I've sent more buddy requests than we have talked...

-Maybe she was the patient one and I was the impatient one...

Bother Bother Bother

I'm annoyed at what I did in MapleStory.

I transferred my only Adventurer Warrior to another server, when I should have transferred my thief.  There will be a revamp soon where Adventurers can switch their 2nd jobs, and I already have two theives on one server, on the main server I play on, and I have no warriors.  This means I have to either transfer my warrior back, or make a new one, and I have to get rid of my 2nd thief somehow.

It's bothering me so much now that I feel like quitting.

-There are NO miracles.

-Stick with being skeptical so you'll be right in the end.

-All bad things happening are there for me to finally force me to kill myself.

-Life is NOT worth living.

-Being honest is STUPID.

-God's dvine plan: WE ALL DIE.  Because there's a 100% chance that everyone eventually dies.

What hurts me the most now is how long its been, and how it meant nothing to her...

hatehatehatehatehatehatehate.

Must always use my mind.  If my heart and mind try working together, my heart will overpower my mind no matter what.  Better choose one or the other, and the better one will always be the mind.

Acceptance Phase, Part 2

Writing this kind of hurts, but thinking about writing it hurts more, so I might as well get over it by just writing it.

-I should have known that it wasn't just us two.  She was talking to other people besides me, despite how shy she said she was, and how special she made me feel.
-I should have got the hints of how she didn't watch my "justification" videos when we semi-argued, and how she refused to see where I come from.
-I should have got the hint when she never asked how I was doing.
-I should have got the hint when she replied and continued to go out with this other guy.
-I should have known that it wasn't me when she said I was "too calm"

Holy shit I'm dense as hell.

"It's obvious you can't you get a hint..."

Not really, I was just in denial...

No matter how deeps the talks we had, it meant nothing to her, but it meant so much to me... I can't believe how dumb I was to fall this hard... but then again she just seemed so perfect for me.

It's so annoying how there wasn't any closure.  She's inconsiderate as hell.  Now I know how it feels to not bring closures.  I wouldn't have to resort to that if she could have just told me things...

But maybe something like this was supposed to happen to me, to teach me how unpredictable things are and to not take anything for granted.

I give it..  three more weeks until this phase is over.

You know why I'm having such a terrible time moving on?

There was no fucking closure.

Be considerate fucking idiot.

What we're all trying to achieve is a desired STATE OF MIND.

Is that right?

I hope she knows that there are friends there for her that's willing to be by her side forever.  I've talked to her, I think I know her...  she doesn't like me anymore, but I'm willing to change to the person she would like to be with once again.

I don't think I changed. I was always the same person, but during that short time span, something happened. Something that I did.

But I just want her to know that I'm there for her.  I just can't because she doesn't want me to, but for some reason I still think that she'd like me to...

So all I can do is sit here and wait.

But she doesn't want me to... I don't know what she wants.  She still refuses to talk to me.  But I'll wait.

Must.  Respect.  Her.  Descision.

She just said I was too calm... she didn't say anything else... I was just too calm, then she left without saying anything... what did I do...

I could only think back and hurt myself by reminding myself of memories as I try to suffocate myself with this blanket over me, holding my knees.

I need to get away.

"The harder you try, the harder you fall"

No... it was all my fault.  I should've just talked to her... I should have fixed it immediately.  I should know that she's the avoidant from the beginning... when I first met her she was really avoidant, she's supposed to be naturally avoidant... why couldn't I think of that.

In academics, I don't think I could have done any better than I did when I was in high school.  I think that if I were to start again, I'd be completely absorbed in my reading, even if I did it in leisure time.  But I take way too many breaks, and because of that, I won't reach any deadlines.  I think this is important for me to soak in what I'm reading. Reading takes way too long for me, and I wouldn't be able to finish any assignments...

Or am I just justifying why I am so incompetent compared to everyone else?  Yes, I think that's it.

Flowers for Algernon

I've started reading Flowers for Algernon.  That short story stayed with me after reading the short version in 8th grade.  I've always wanted to read the full novel or watch the movie, but I never got the chance until now.  I found the book at the recycling center (along with a few Shonen Jump magazines and a fair condition Agatha Christie novel).

So far, a quote that stood out to me the most, is on page 50, "Now I understand one of the important rasons for going to college and getting an education is to learn that the things you've believed in all your life aren't true, and that nothing is what it appears to be."

I think that's the change that I feel within me.  The change in my perspective on things is not because I've been practicing writing with my left hand to activate my right hemisphere in my brain when I'm bored in class.  It's from what I've been actually learning in class.  But that's all that I'll say about what I think of that quote.  I'm embracing my pessimism even more now.

It's really hard to imagine that other people don't really think the same way as I do...

She just never gave a fuck about me... never did.

Anyways, one last resort: Meeting her...

I just hope everything goes according to plan x-x

Now or never, now or never, now or never

OHOHOHOOHO SHE'S NOT TALKING TO ANYONE.

Some people fear of never loving again... being able to love the same way...

Well, I fear not putting in as much effort as I did... the more effort I put into something, the more I want it...

One of the worst feelings ever... is realizing you don't love her as much as you thought you did...

I wonder if at that point... do people force themselves to love (her) more than what they think they do?

What is loving someone "more" anyways... if you love someone, you just love em, right?

bitch if she can do without me, I can do without her...

Story ideas:  A Harriet Tubman character.

I think the human ego is unnaturally powerful, but the world really doesn't need it.  Maybe it's because there is no more purpose for ego... so it has to be used in a different way, but really, when there's no use for it, it's just stupid.  I think that's the problem, or my problem at least.  I have an ego.

Refined

What the hell is this Tomodachi shit. You're no friend, you treat us like shit just like your face with makeup. You're the opposite, deceiving people with your name, just like your fake personality. All you do is care about yourself, just like the American Government, self seeking, self satisfying, and dishonest. You creatures are despicable and I know that's why you suck the red white and blue dick. You two are two of a kind and can empathize with one another because you only care about your own self-interests and own well-being. People like you is what holds this country back.

I NEEDED you.  I liked you A LOT.   First time I stalked you, I didn't know I was being tracked, thought I could find out what's wrong.  Second time, tried getting your attention because I REALLY wanted to talk to you concerning our friendship.But all you do is run away.  Not literally because I know you stink up your seat sitting on your pc all day. But there is one thing you can't run from: being a socially inept cowardly immature hypocrite.  You complain about things you don't want done to you, yet you're doing it yourself.  No wonder no one likes you.

I can't believe everything we talked about actually meant something to me. I can't believe I've been thinking about this longer than the time that we've been actually friends. What the hell.  Your friendship sucks.

Honesty: 2/10
Communication: 8/10
Helpfulness: 5/10
Understanding: 6/10
Reliability: 4/10
Trust: 1/10

Overall rating: 4/10

stupid fucking bitch liar fucking hyprocite fucking liar fucking fuck fuck fucking liar bitch hyprocrite

Why?

Why did she changed her name...

Worse fear:  She married someone with the same last name as her first name.

I'm now embracing the times I've been bitchy in the past.

It Was Me

And she rejected it.  Talk your heart out, and to be rejected by a friend who you trusted the most... kinda hurts.

Attack back so I don't feel stupid.

I'm tired of all this funny shit.

If I don't meet her within the next month, I MUST actually *TRY* to get over her...

Patience is a virtue.
Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

And in the end, it will be worth it.  If not, then... it's just funny.

I think I just want to live alone in an apartment with nothing to care about...

HER FAULT.

.... her fault for telling me that I'm too calm.

I think its better to just refresh your mind after being so attached to someone.  Wipe out anything you learn entirely, because the next person you fall for is completely different... just learn something, and if you actually like that lesson, just go with it, but if it's something so unnatural, just forget it...  just forget it...

St00pid

Meh, I guess being angry didn't work, or you're really not reading and responding to a comment. But really, I don't care if you suck at being a friend,I just wanted to be able to talk to you again because it was fun...

Anyways, if only you knew how happy I was to finally hear directly from you. Well, hapy isn't the right word. More like relieved, but I really can't do anything. Your barriers are too strong, and the limitations of an online friendship makes that barrier impenetrable...

I was trying to get your attention because I sent you another message on basil, that I wanted you to read so I kept stalking you that time. The first time was just embarrassing because I didn't know you had a tracker... second time I really tried to show that I was to get your attention because I sent you a message and I really wanted you to read it, hoping that you'd be my friend again.

I know I was pushing boundaries. But I wasn't sure. You dind't talk to me directly and I thought you were one to actually tell me in perseon, being I know you wouldn't want the same done to you...

Sorry for that though. I guess I was being selfish. That's all. I thought we ha a good friendship, and I loved you, so I dind't want you just out of my life like that. But I'm selfish because I only thought of myself. It was what I wanted, I wanted to talk to youa gain, even knowing you, yourself didn't want anything to do with me anymore. For that, sorry and bye. I'll never forget anything. Thank you for these precious memories.

"The only time a man can cry is when it's all over"

There, you can laugh at me now.

"The purpose of life is to search for the purpose of life."

So I guess if I'm searching, I'm doing fine.

Feeling So Out of Place

Why am I like this... I don't sound like this IRL.  Why can't I be who I am IRL, online?

Maybe she'd like me... or not.  All I can do is wait.

As soon as I got the hint I should have kicked her ass... fuck.  Now I feel that I lost.

FUCK.  Her friendship suck so much that I can't even shed a tear for her no matter what I dig through or think about.  She sucked so much!

... and maybe that's the reason why I was so attracted to her...

Things I Hella Hate/ Uncomfortable Doing

-Asking for something

1.  Asking for something.  I think its because it ruins my consistency train, as that I I've never really ask for things... because my mom has always anticipated everything I guess.  Maybe that's one of the cons of being such a good mom.

This is not right...

She's happy.

I'm supposed to be happy that she's happy...

Why am I not happy that she's happy?

I'm supposed to love her, and I'm supposed to be happy when she's happy...

But I'm not...

But this is really pumping me up.  I feel like working hard on something...

Or... I just don't love her afterall!

And if I don't love her, that means she's a stranger...
And if she's a stranger, I don't know her, and she posts stuff on Tumblr for the Public!
If I wasn't a stranger, I would be the "Private" and not the public!
So that means I'm part of the public...
And it's okay to stalk!!!!!

Ah shit, must respect her, lalala.

Hmmm...

Maybe I should stalk her to get her attention again...

What could go wrong?  She'll never blog on Tumblr again?

It's not like she has a Tumblr right now anyways, because I'm not reading it... and it's all for myself, just like how she only cares about herself!  Eye for an eye.

I WANT to respect her decision... maybe I'll respect her for one more week?  Then I'll resume my stalking spree.

Damn, I just want to know what she really thought of me...

Who Knew?

Who knew I would fall this hard...

When I first saw her, I was thinking, why can't my Maple girl friends be cute like her?

We became friends shortly after and talked so much...

And then, I felt that she liked me, but I wasn't sure.  I didn't like her 100% because... there was something missing.  Maybe I felt that it would be too easy.

And now there's a challenege, but its more than a challenege, because she's not even in vicinity of contact anymore.  The only way is to talk to her through friends or to be really really creepy.

Seriously though.

1st time- Embarrassing
2nd time- I WAS TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION TO CHECK BASIL.  For my hate message.  Fucking dumbass.  I hate people like her actually... God, I'm glad it's almost over.

Last Assumption

Realizing my limitations kinda hurts...

Well I think there's only one thing left to do.  One last assumption.

"she'll feel more comfortable talking in a group setting...".

I'm looking into it way too much...

I should really respect her decision.

Sigh.  I don't know what to do anymore.

Nah, I don't think I'll get third parties involved.

She clearly said that she doesn't like me.

no more flattery.

Waiting for eternity is nothing it if it's you.

Being nice WON'T work, nor is being funny... my best bet is to show how much I understand her and shove it down her throat.

A Comment

You said you won't read or respond to messages.  Well, this is a comment, not a message, and you can respond to this and I won't say you are a hypocrite.

But either way, I can't take your message seriously because of a typo, "you obviously you can't", and because of this, I now know how an employer interviewing for an interview feels like.

You said I SHOULD stop viewing your Tumblr, but you didn't say you HAVE to, so I'll view it anyways, because I'm creepy, okay?  And you only talk to me if I become creepy so that's what I'll do.  Even if I can't take your message seriously, I cherish it.  I think I've even memorized it, and it makes me smile because of how much I miss hearing directly from you.

And IDGAF that you don't like me.  I only care about myself and that I love you.

I also made a hate message and a not so hate message, which one would you like to hear?  I don't know because I'm not naturally really angry or really nice so I don't know which one you'd like to read, or not read at all, but I really want to write to you again....

(Back up plan: Force third parties to be involved.  She can't hate on her... my only problem will be when my third party turns her back on me...)

I don't want to do anything.

I failed at all my dreams and aspirations.

I can only celebrate with empathy.

Change of Strategy

I really can't do anything slow.

I HAVE to do everything fast.

So the thing I have to actually work on, is LOOKING OVER MY WORK.

If she didn't read my first message, NONE of the afterones would have made sense... fuck, now I feel stupid.  Wish she would have responded but noOoO she's fucking immature as fuck.

I'm in love with everything about you except what I don't know about you. And when I learn those things that I don't know about you... I'll love those things too.

LOL my own quotes makes me feel so giddy about myself... lala I'm sooo cool.

Show your heart and you get burned. 

10 Day Challenge, Day 10

Ah, today concludes this ten day challenge series.  It's been fun, and has been keeping me on BlogSpot... though I think other thoughts made me blog here more than normal, I've even forgetten about the challenege for a couple of days.  Anyways,

10. One confession

I want to die instantly with no pain right now.  I'm really tired of being deceived and confused with everything that's going on.  I don't give a fuck... I don't give a fuck... and there are those thoughts that makes me such a hypocrite, which is stupid because I am who I am, and just fuck it!  I don't know, what the fuck, how come she just left me like that...

And what the fuck, this is not even a confession.  Well, I guess it is embarrassing, feeling that need to die because only losers feel that way?  I don't know, but why the fuck did she just leave me like that... I feel so deceived and stupid... not like I invested real capital on her, but the emotional toll I have and time I've put in devastates me... fuck!

Everything I do Offline is Inconsistent

... would feel so out of character.  I can't say or do anything with the friends I currently have, because it will disrupt the consistency I have had over the years.  I've learned in my Psychology class that we try to maintain this consistency that we always have,and if its altered in any way, it would make us very uncomfortable.

We also tend to follow those who we believe knows us best, to verify what we think of ourselves...  I don't know where this comes from, but it makes me wonder what she really thinks about herself... maybe I thought too highly of her?

Dammit, I hella disrupted my consistency by blogging on Tumblr... I'll NEVER reveal my shit to anyone again, Lol.  

Last Line

"In your last message you said no more messages, but I'm hoping commenting isn't the same as messaging, so here's a comment:  Hope you're doing well and don't mind that aggressive attempt message I sent on Basil. I didn't mean it, and I sent it right before you sent your message.  I was experimenting again and thought that you didn't like me because I was too passive. Sorry for my attempt in trying to be not-passive..."

I just keep making baseless assumptions, after assumptions.  The best approach to bring her back is to communicate with her directly.  However, the problem is that she refuses to open any lines for me to communicate with her at all.  She blocked most routes to communication, and the only ones available at the moment that I would be comfortable are, Blogspot, and Youtube.  Both have limited space to what I want to say, and they are places to "message", something she clearly stated she didn't want me to do.  Though, on Youtube, I think "comments" would be okay... comments are not messages, right? Which would be my justification for pushing the boundaries.

I do have my own boundaries though.  Things I would not do, would be to create a new account on any one of those sites, and fake it, and then drawing her in, and finally letting it all out.  I'm not going to be deceptive, and I really want to be honest.

Though the only honest thing, if I can be blunt, or if my heart can speak... the only honest words that exists is I love you and I want to always be with you... please come back, I truly love you. 

10 Day challenge, Day 9

Ah shit, I forgot all about this.

9. Two smileys that describe your life right now

1. '~'

2. ._.

:T

How Are You?

Doing great.
Feeling terrible.

The Earthquake Finale

So we're standing together on an island, and the ground beneath us begins to shake.

It's a mother fucking earthquake, that's going to split us apart, literally.

So the ground beneath me is moving west, the ground beneath her is shifting east, and we're like nOoOOo!

And our last words.....

Me:  Your last words to me was "spamming".  now every time I eat spam, I'll think of you.  Your turn.
Her: ....

She can't talk anymore because the earthquake separated us until our voices can no longer reach each other.

The end.

"Don't forget her, but move on."

Maybe she'll be happy if I thought like that...