So now all I can do is wait... must stalk for three weeks straight, and in the side, come up with another lengthy letter...

must give this everything I have, so I can be hurt 100%.  I guess its another form of suicide buahahahaha.

I can only hope that she'll approach me though... she has to...

I'm getting really tired of it all because I can't do it by myself, I really can't, as much as the kind of person I am, the one who tries to do everything himself...

it's really impossible...

Because any sort of relationship takes two people.

Holy Fucking Fuck

I can't believe I lost to a guy who says "good morning sunshine" and "hey beautiful."  What the fuck.  How the fuck did I lose.  Holy fucking fuck.

Maybe I don't understand her because I'm in love with her.

I think I want to hold on...

Because:

1. I love her
2. I don't think of dark thoughts as much

Things that keep me from thinking of dark thoughts:
1. Her
2. Basketball
3. Money

I'm losing it...

I really don't know what to say.  I don't know if I should continue holding on... I don't know if she's moved on, but there's no way to tell.  I think it's the end, and I should stop hoping, and just start talking to new people.  

This is so annoying.

Sucks

That the only way I hear from her is through her blog.

You know how you can't like someone completely?  Like how they're not entirely good or bad?

I wonder what is it that people don't like about me... and I wonder why I think that, because it shouldn't matter and yet it does.  Maybe this is why I'm such a recluse.

I'm here in Orange County doing nothing when I should be doing my homework.

I could have met her two times already right after we stopped being close.

I am just not interesting in doing what I'm told... this is really bad.

My style of living is really jeopardizing my future, but then again, I've been dead.  It's just this body that's been moving and thinking, but I really feel that "the me" is dead.  There never even was a "me" to begin with...

I am a product of my surroundings and genetics.  That's what "me" should be.  I am always so egocentric though, thinking that I was just much more than that... but I'm not... and it should be okay.

so STUPID

Trying to make her jealous must have been one of the dumbest things I ever done.

Even if she didn't get jealous I'd still go after her anyways.  I think I just pushed her away even further. Not only that, but I feel so fucking guilty.  It's an inconsistency with my own character since I view myself as "honest".

Anyways, at least I can stalk her again. KEKEKEKEKE.

Train, Chemicals, and People Around My Age

I remember in my Psych class I learned something about when you have a baby you release chemicals that make you less aggressive or something like that... I probably need that.

Today at the BART, there was like a herd of children, probably going on a field trip and they were making so much noise, all the parents and teachers with them kept saying SHHH.  It was so funny, these kids keep talking not knowing what they were talking about, so maybe that translates when they are adults... they don't really know what they're doing, because I remember almost everything I've experienced as a kid.

Well, the funny moments were when this one kid said OBAMA GANGNAM style, and he just kept humming that tune, but the OBAMA killed me.

I also played basketball yesterday, first game I played, I hit the game winner and this really tall black guy was like AHAHA YOU A BAAAD BOY, so funny, they're so cool.  Second game I did terrible but I hit a couple of shots, actually I think I only made two, but I stole the ball like twice, but I also turned the ball over once, and I got like two rebounds or something, but I still hate myself for turning the ball over once and missing the last shot that cost the game.

I really feel that I don't fit in with people who are my age... its just a weird feeling, I get along better with kids.  Maybe because everyone my age seem so stiff so I get so stiff too.

I was also thinking about the Frog who graduated from Frogfuscious's school in Mario RPG, about how he has graduated and is now searching for the meaning of life, and he's like holding this big ass book, always reading.  I think I want to do that.  That's all I ever think about anyways.

Experiences and Imagination

Best experience in college?  Being a Biology major.  Everything in life objectively is so chaotic, and just concepts how everything just is and how genetics just make people the way they are simplifies this everything in life.

My mood really does fluctuate.  Is it really out of my control?  What is willpower.  How come I can't really do things that I did before... everything is just so weird.

Planning=Imagining.  Don't imagine, don't plan... most of the memories I've created were spontaneous.  How the hell did I think that I'd actually befriend her yet alone falling for her?  I remember seeing her profile picture and I was like, "how come I don't have friends as good-looking as her?!?!"  But we became close friends... and it took off and soared from there.

But now we're apart, and I don't know what everything meant to her.

One Person Book Club

I think lots of people don't read because its difficult to find a writing style you want, in addition to how its written, the story has to be good, and its just so hard to look through selections and stuff... they don't sample previews on television.

I think life is more about... adjusting yourself to whatever mood you randomly start to feel.

Just lost the purpose of living.

Did I even have a life?  No, it only started when I met her.

~Fading back to nothingness

Goal: Southern California
Ambition: Love

"Whatever happens, happens, and it will happen because I'll do everything I can to make it happen."

So if its going to happen, I should look beyond that and take every chance I get to be the person I want to be after it happens.

I LOVE PESSIMISM.  PESSIMISM BRINGS ME HAPPINESS.

Okay, I won't take another PSYCH class... I get so nauseated.

I don't believe in God... but I think its a great concept for certain people.  God isn't for everyone.

... I want my emotions to really say what definitions say they are...

Yeay, more breathing room!  No more useless memorization things that take up too much space in my head.

I don't really know anyone...

Especially people who took the same path as me.  Objectively that is.

I was a quiet reserved kid growing up in Richmond, until I hit puberty, I then moved to Hercules.

In Hercules, everyone was probably the same as me academically skill-wise, however, I brought the same ego I had from Richmond, thus it was unusually high for someone so average like me.  Because of this, my pride was hurt hard, and I became silent...

Not only that, but I think I had unusually large breasts for a little boy.  I was growing a bit fat at the time, eating burgers everyday, however I still was active in the basketball courts at my backyard, shooting once in awhile.

I never really had friends at all in middle school.  Didn't really invite anyone, nor did anyone wanted to really talk to me.  I wouldn't open up to them anyway otherwise.

High School came along and I still had my pride.  I don't have much experience with almost anything at all, thus abstract thinking became extremely difficult for me.  I couldn't comprehend feelings that I have never experience.  All I knew though was that something was wrong with me, and I couldn't concentrate, I felt like a defect because I just felt so different.  Though, to add to that, I was under stress and pressure that I had to keep leveling up in MapleStory.

I fell in love a few years later, but I never caught signs that the feelings were reciprocated, which led me to feel even worse than I already have, but at the same time, it taught me another side to the world; the world to humor.  She taught me you can find humor in almost anything, something I've always had but never really expressed.

College came, and I went back to my shell, until I figured out I didn't like doing what I was doing.  The only good feeling I can possibly obtain was love, so I attached myself to this girl who I wasn't even remotely attractive to.  I attached myself hard.  I was so confused, and what did I have to lose?

Eventually, I realized that I was missing a few pieces of myself, and I was terrible at my self expression... terrible at communication, and thus I had to think further of what I was missing.

This led me to meet people of my kind.  Those in pre-death, also known as residents of the nursing homes.  It was there where I achieved my Certified Nursing Assistant Certificate, along with the acknowledgment of how well I can get along with ghetto people.  I decided that I loved everyone as long as I'm accepted, and as long as I get the responses I wanted.

Then I felt the need to do good.  It was when I searched further with research that I understood that there is no good and bad, and that everything is beyond good and evil.  Everyone's equal, and everything's genetics, which drew me into the Bio field.

In this field, I didn't care anymore because, I just didn't care, and now here I am, reading books in the library.

J******, I don't understand you.  Can you please help me?

I should stop planning to do something and just do everything I have to do on impulse... meh !

Dear J***, real letter 1

Hi J***,

Remember me?  It's been... six months?  November, December, January, February, March, April.  So yeah, about six months.  Well I had a lot to think about.  It seemed like I was thinking a lot but my thoughts probably could be summarized in a little paragraph.  There were just things in my life that I felt like I needed to share with you, so I'll split this in a few parts.  Actually, of course letters are always split into new parts, they're called paragraphs!  I don't even know what I'm saying anymore but whatever, this letter will be organized, is what I guess I'm trying to say, but now this is becoming meaningless knowing that you will just speed read probably to the bottom but whatever, I don't care.

Anyways, rewinding back to December, I just realized how funny coincidences are.  By December we stopped talking, but I went to this concert to watch Hip Hop dancing and I hung out with two of my friends from my class... AND they're both transfer students from Japan, so they're only staying at my school for a little while (they left already, but that's in the future).  One girl is half Japanese and half African (I think it was Nigeria, but I'll just call her half African to be on the safe side).  Her name is... Jessica!  So you're name is Jessica, and her name is Jessica, which I think was funny.  Her name is pronounced Jessi- CAH, like there's a big emphasis on the ending "CAH", like saying cops.  And my other friend's name is... TOMOka.  You're League of Legends name!  Yeah I stalk you so I know these things, but I just thought it was funny.  TOMOka and a Jessica, fused together would be you, the REAL Jessica!  And you have a little black in you, so the half African part is a bit accurate.  Well, I haven't kept in contact with the fake Jessica, but I've added Tomoka on Facebook, and she's back in Japan, and she misses the U.S. Pulling a Harvest Moon crossed my mind, marrying her just so she gets a green card (remember when we talked about how I married Eli in Harvest Moon just because I didn't want her grandmother to die?).

Anyways, I just wanted to tell you those two names, because I thought it was funny.  January, February, March, all rolled by pretty fast.  But I've been also thinking about how you were so excited to start your career and how I wasn't.  That meant a lot to me, made me think about more things.  It meant... I truly didn't like what I was studying.  Biology is interesting and all, but I guess at heart I really don't want to pursue it.  I think it's because I feel so incomplete as a person... maybe you would understand, because I think I'm still shy and quiet but not really.  I just feel so different all the time, and I need another career to balance that part of my life out, because the career I was going for is the Clinical Lab Scientist path which has almost no social interaction at all, and I think I'm actually an extrovert.. a failed extrovert.  I don't know.  But being a Biology major wasn't a waste of time for me.

Because of Biology I gained a deeper understanding of the nature of people, and the nature of myself.  My favorite thing was learning about the Green Revolution in the 1970s.  Because of the Green Revolution, led by Norman Barloug, America has found a way to create an unlimited source of corn, wheat, and potatoes, and that's why there's really no world hunger anymore.  In the Philippines, this method of growing food wasn't discovered yet, so my parents and possibly yours are still thinking that you work to buy food.  The Philippines is really different than what it was 30 years ago (I've been there 4 times), and its a lot like the United States.

Well I haven't changed my opinion on the U.S., but that doesn't mean I'm moving out to Australia.  I just don't like how the U.S. has to interfere with all the other countries... I don't know, but I feel a big downfall. North Korea declared war already, right?  And the U.S. is part of that, we're always at war,so I'm not feeling safe. Something is going to happen (atomic bomb somewhere?  We are one of the only nations to ever use it...)... that's what I feel. Sorry for not liking something you love so much!

In my first long letter thing, I think I mentioned something about my passive aggressiveness, and I didn't really explain it.  Well, to be honest I get so jealous easily, and after half hearting confessing to you, you had to go out with the white guy, not only that, knowing his intentions too!  Breaks my heart.  Then you have to talk about having a twin (which was supposed to be me) and then you start talking to your biggie, and that you have a crush on him!  So of course I get hurt but of course I don't say it, so my passive aggressiveness is hoping you'd have a bit of feelings for me and talking about another girl (that girl I talked about in Tumblr) though some of it was true, I liked how I was able to talk to her because I can talk about you to her!  I was hoping you'd get jealous too and then fight for me, but you just ran away from me LOL FAIL.  But whatever.  She's a good friend of mine now, and I recently added her to my Facebook.  She smokes, and drinks and she went to jail, so I laugh at her a lot but I accept her and I think that's why she likes being my friend.

Well I think the problem was that I kept pressing you for information, even though I probably wasn't.  Was that it?  You don't have to explain anything... can we just go back to playing dress up games, sharing songs, and all that?  But whatever, I don't care. Bye-bye.

I Think I'll Start Writing Letters

I think I'll start writing letters again.  No manipulation attempts this time.  Straight on to what I'm feeling, and I'm not going to hide that I love her this time, mixed with a little humor.

I must also apologize for pressing her too much?  Maybe I pressed her too much without really realizing it except for now, and I expected her to press me too but she never did... I don't know, but it shouldn't be creepy or anything because we were friends... really good friends if I believe.

And also, I have to thank her for the change in my career path... maybe I was never interested after all in Bio, maybe I was but after learning a bit, I already learned what I wanted to learn from it already, but I wasn't interested in my future that I think I was going to do.

Or maybe I'll write letters but never send it to her.

The only thing I didn't like about her was how she didn't like me back... or showed that she didn't like me back.

Thinking about what other people may be thinking as you walk pass them is incredibly funny.

Things I Like About Her

-She doesn't force me to talk
-She talks to me
-She can shape shift and have a different appearance in each of her pictures.
-We have similar backgrounds
-She does fun things and I like tagging along
-Just her aura
-Laughs a lot

I'll keep it at seven for now, since seven is sort of my number.  Holy shit, like five months without talking and I think about her at least every hour, or at least once in a ten minute span... or even once every minute.  Shit. I guess I do love her... or IDK, I just feel that I can't break through any of these barriers, these barriers that an online-only interaction can create.  And with each try, I get limited even more.  It's like the only way to break it is for her to just talk to me again.

Beyond good and evil, beyond good and evil, beyond good and evil. 

light blue jeans

When I see people wear them I automatically think that I'm better than them in everything... just because they're wearing that faggy color. So funny, faggot.

Also thought of this story idea, where someone sees the truth.. and the truth is that everyone's life purpose is to have their soul end up in this one place (equivalent to hell) and stuff happens, so everything everyone has done is meaningless!

haircut

I have been going to the same haircut lady for five years.  She knows my name and everything, but we barely talk.

Yesterday was just one question.  She asked, what do you do when you're at home?  Play with your friends?

And I say... "...yeah."

I don't like how people say "I'm weird." Not me, as in me me.  But when other people who are not me just say "I'm weird." Well, shit, no you aren't!

This.

This is how you become reclusive.

Friends leaving you for other people.
No where else to express hate.
Being naturally reserved.
Not knowing what happened....

I feel like randomly tripping people walking down aisles.

Anyways, some thoughts:

Maybe I should transgender myself, and call myself a lesbian.  Just like Oshima in Kafka but instead of a girl turning into a guy but being attractive to guys, I'll turn myself into a female (but be attracted to girls).

I think in the future I'll put weeds in pots, and grow fields of flowers.  But my main plants that would be in pots would be different species of weeds.

I think the only way guys can get away with being sensitive is to make it funny somehow.

ugh why can't I just be a recluse all my life... I can but... there's really nothing I can do to get revenge on those people who I just hate so much...