quick notes- preparing for school and being realistic.

I'm getting old.  It's time to learn from my mistakes and know what I really want.  But before figuring that out, I think its vital that I have some basis in my life, meaning, that I can take care of myself without my parents.  That means I have to be working.  I'll start practicing that path by studying first before getting the job, and after re-watching one of my favorite dramas, I've took notes on how I can utilize my wasted 22 years of life on studying techniques.

Studying techniques, memory trees (includes drawings), remembering by associating with familiar things.  I must keep in mind that my only obstacle are my feelings.  Listen to lectures, and repeat it in my head or by just following my mouth.  Read the textbook, skim it, read it, look at figures, reread my notes.  Read on breaks.  Read, read read.

Its a fact that math should be done in the morning, I guess problem solving in general is good in the morning, thus I'll do any problem solving work that needs to be done when I wake up or after a rest.   Simple writing is the best kind of writing, but I also have to have a more concrete thesis, and not choose a very broad topic to write about.  Breakfast is also needed for the nutrients to supplement my genius, though not required.

Then I have to know my weakness.  My weakness is temptation.  I guess that's too broad, but sometimes I can't control myself, which is watching some videos, wanting to clean, wanting to eat certain things.  I have to make it a habit to resist them.  I should also put friends behind me, unless its my girlfriend or girlfriend to be.  They'll be fine without me, and even if I help them, its probably not genuine.  Maybe I really do help people so I can feel better about myself, because it shows that I'm capable of doing something that they can't, but I shouldn't help people if they do not ask for it. Unless I don't have anything else to do.

I have to remember to be consistent as well.  "Guard my concentration capacity."

I should also make friends and rivals.  I think studying with other loner people, being the leader in some group, sounds like fun or would be fun.  Especially if my group has good looking people in it.  I should try to find a group like that.  But of course I have to have confidence in myself, and put in the effort to be good looking so I can highlight my good looks even more.

Okay, I think I'm ready.  I need a job though.  And I think I'm determined to major in Bio to become a Clinical Laboratory Scientist.  After that... I don't know, maybe I can do other things, but for now, I need my degree.

My fingers hurt and the sound of my typing is starting to hurt my ears.

Edit:  Another one of my weaknesses is asking for help.

trapped in a maze.

I'm back to where I started, I think.

I'm second thinking about this Clinical Laboratory Scientist thing.  Knowing me, I'll switch again.  Just thinking about it, and the images formed in my mind about it just look so bleak.  Looking at microscopes, analyzing it, sampling whatever.  No team work, no attention, no building of character... just another job.  That's what it looks like.  Am I really interested?  Maybe, I'm interested in how things formed and such, but I don't feel the passion and drive...

Maybe the drive and passion doesn't have to be that strong.  Maybe it never was that strong in the first place.  I've always looked at life as doing it with all your heart and all that, like sort of being possessed in a way... maybe this is what MapleStory did to me.  Everyday I'd wake up early til I pass out to level up my character.  Was that really passion or was I just sick?  But those days, eight years ago, I felt alive in a way because I really looked forward to doing something like that.  Maybe it was just my lack of being close to civilization all these years because MapleStory and the internet opened up doors to other people's lives, friends, I had finally had friends which I didn't have to go through the hassle of telling my mom and stuff.

What do I really want, I don't know.  Maybe these results come from overexposure of the media, or just from society in general.  I'd like to think I'm okay.  Is everyone like this?  Pretending that they're okay, when they're really not?  Just a few months ago I didn't care about anything at all once again.  My life felt like it was going downhill, but I did feel some comfort at times, but overall, it wasn't heading in the direction I really wanted it to.

 So far it feels as if my life is just a waiting game.  Waiting for the moment, waiting for her computer to be fixed so I can talk to her, waiting for her to break up with her boyfriend, waiting for her to like me, waiting for things that will never come.. waiting for another epiphany, waiting for friends to call me, waiting until I feel comfortable driving, waiting for school, waiting waiting waiting for next year... most of these waitings involve "hers".  But now there's only one thing that I'm really looking forward to waiting for, and that is seeing what she's all about.

If I wasn't exposed to anything, would I really be worried about anything?  Back then, there wasn't much, just friends and family probably, and school and work right in front of you.  I could have just school in front of me.  Now you have all these quotes with famous high status people telling you what's good for you, whats healthy, how to be successful, how to cope with anything.  The definition of success.  Other people in the world comparing you to them.  It just feels as if all these things are just not important.  I don't even know what I'm trying to say... I just want to shut my ears, eyes, and feelings.  Maybe I really do want to be a robot and work with whatever.  Maybe its because I want to be resistant to thinking about what other people think.  I don't know anymore, but I feel best when I'm talking to someone who isn't breaking down every word that I say, and that's where I want to be... I guess I just want to feel comfortable.  I don't know.

The next few days should be focused on connecting the dots.  Though I think about it regularly, it brings me comfort, but also more confused, so maybe I shouldn't connect the dots.  I did it before though, but there was an error... I can't be a teacher, there's just no jobs, and my family looks like they're not supporting me.  I don't think I can have the motivation for it either.

 Or maybe... I never really had a stable friendship, or a friendship where I can be myself and feel comfortable, and be able to talk about anything and communicate really well.  Maybe that's what I needed all along.  I should just work on being a better friend. ... And then what, maybe I'll learn how friends stab you in the back.

It’s been a couple of days since I’ve blogged. It’s not because I didn’t want to, but because its been quite overwhelming. In a good way I guess.

I’ve met someone who I can relate to. It feels as if its too good to be true. One things for sure though, this relationship is a keeper. It’s not a romantic one, but its an online friendship that I have to cherish because I feel like I can trust her. We connect very well together, so I must keep it up as a really good friendship because I like her very much, and perhaps we will meet up someday and it’ll evolve. But for now, I have to be there for her and not over do it. I should distance myself a bit, but I’ve been doing that by getting offline, shooting baskets or playing video games because I need to recharge my swag or I’ll end up very clingy and different. I have to be consistent, and that’s the hard part of keeping up a friendship. Or maybe I have to reveal everything I feel? I don’t know anymore, and maybe when we’re old we’ll look back at this, and I can show her this post. Being mature is all about controlling our emotions, and its time I do just that.

We can spend hours talking about things and I won’t get bored… though I may get slightly uncomfortable because I don’t know if I’m overdoing it or what. I just want to be someone she can trust and talk to all the time because I like her a lot and she deserves it. I think I’m falling for her, but I don’t want to because I haven’t met her yet, however, I think that’s how great love and relationships happen; by risking it. Risking my heart. I have to take a risk like this, but I should have at least a back up plan.

It’s so weird. Everything is falling into place SO PERFECTLY. Its too good to be true, so it probably is that. EVERYTHING is falling into place. From how we met, how we’re twins, how we have the same personality types, how we have the same personality types, the 100% horoscope matches… Luckily for me, I’ve think I learned a thing or two from a few of my idols.. “hope for the best”. ”Prepare for the worse”. I really do think that I’m prepared for the worse since what else do I have to lose since I think I’ve experienced much heartbreak, that I can’t withstand this one?

She gets bored talking to me. I get bored talking to her. She finds someone better. This is why I’m not going to confess, I’m being there for her no matter what until we meet and beyond perhaps? Because I truly believe that I know her.

“Two Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.”

My birthday was also a few days ago. No one would have said happy birthday to me if it wasn’t displayed on my Skype buddy list. I guess it should be sad, but I’m also a bit dazed as to why I’m surprised and a little shaken up by it, because I should be used to it by now.