Getting Away

I had a bad dream last night, and I was almost in tears, that Spurs lost to the Memphis Grizzlies.  Spurs are not my favorite team, and neither do I hate the Grizzlies.   So when I woke up I was kind of dazzled as to why I felt that way.  After watching the game, that dream became a reality, except I did not cry, but I felt really saddened.  It's not because I wanted them to win, that I felt sad, but it's because they were the top seed against the last seed in the first round of the playoffs.  I've watched them play and work so hard, reaching the top.  Knowing that they could possibly be the champion.  I looked up to their work ethic... only to falter towards where it really counts.  I'm sad that I'm scared of failing.  Trying so hard, accomplishing so many things as life goes on.  But towards the end, failing on the thing that mattered most.  That's why I woke up, almost in tears.  Working so hard and failing in the end is what I'm afraid to do.  It happened once, in a love story that won't leave my mind and heart, I thought pain would strengthen me.  I think it does, it's not making me any weaker.  But the anxiety it causes is what brings me a bit down.  It's making me terrified. And it's not an at the moment scared, like when you know your presentation is coming up in one minute. It's the scare and worry of the future and uncertainty that would last so long without a set time.

I think my stamina is going down.  I couldn't pass Hard Core of the North on 9 foot on ITG today.  I need to eat balanced meals, I know I'm lacking greens and fruits.

I finally passed the Multi Battle subway.  My Sapphire Battle Tower team that got me 60+ consecutive wins did the job.  Salamence and Metagross, both with completely wrong natures and IVS (Salamence has Attack in BLUE), but they got the job done nonetheless.



The girl who was hitting on me who I have no feelings whatsoever is in the same clinical as me now.  I'm scared to death.  Her background, she is scary, in her upper twenties, really hood, talks really hood, and is shunned by the normal people, and it seems like she shuns them first with her natural angry loud blunt attitude.  I used to look forward to clinical knowing that I'm with a good group of people and away from her.  I used to be okay having two days of class with her, and now it's four.  She's nice and all, and she smiles when she sees me and I feel good that I'm being nice to someone who has problems but I don't like having real connections to people in general.  Let alone I want to be with people that I feel like I want to be with.  I'm that selfish. Anyways, we didn't really hang out together due to me talking to the other group members.  When class ended, I went to the bathroom hoping she would have left already.  I exit the bathroom and she's still there.  Oh shit. I said bye and smile, then I walked out the building, calling my mom to pick me up.  Oh shit oh shit,  mom said she was having a haircut.  She can't pick me up.Fuck fuck fuck I know that this would take forever. the fastest I ever did, across the street, cars were passing by.  I had to get to the other side, to sit down behind the sign on the bench chairs invisible to her eye that would be in the other street.  I started walking, unaware of a car in the right side.  It stopped instead of moving, and I was pretty hesitant because I wanted that car to go first, but then I thought it's my turn since I already started crossing the street so it was my right of way.  I rushed to the other side, thinking in fear.  What if she pops her head out of the bushes oh shit oh fuck I don't want to be around her. And right then at that moment, I thought fuck being nice. It's hurting me and I'm scared to death.  I realized I hate connections, as to why I probably have no close friends in the first place.

I'm okay with having no friends like that, but I'm really glad I have friends whom would let me pop into their lives once in awhile.  And then leave, and come back. My friends are my friends forever, even if it means they aren't close.  I'm glad that I helped her though, she would have probably never smiled in class, and she would have probably been kicked out if it wasn't for me.  She praises me for helping her out, and I'm okay I did it.  But ever since she started hitting on me, she crossed the line.  Now I know how she must have felt, and I'm never going to be clingy ever again.

One of my team members is having relationship problems, in her mid forties.  I guess the pains of love is so strong. I looked up to her for her sarcasm attitude and strength.  I never knew she would falter out of the effects of "love."  She's in the process of divorcing and she's seeing another guy who we're both skeptical about, and she says I'm right, after my analytical observations on what she said and she thanked me.  I know she knows that he's no good but the heart easily overpowers the mind.  I'm glad I can help a bit. And I'm glad that I like what I have said.  She said the guy is nice, but he has all these other problems with the law and his other two wives.  And my response?  That everyone can be nice.  And that it is SO easy to be nice.  I think its true, and I felt good with this future hall of fame quote I have said.

Easter Accomplishment

I haven't watched a single Gundam series, but my dad purchased a Wing Gundam Zero MobileSuit XXXG-00W0 MG model at the airport.  I built it on Easter, my first model ever.  It was the one where you just have to snap the pieces together, no painting or gluing required.  I enjoyed the construction process, and I might add it to my current plethora of  novice level hobbies that I pursue.  I already have a Gundam GP03S EFSF Attack use prototype Mobile Suit underway, as soon as my bro does whatever he needs to do with the box.



I had a strange dream that a balanced diet and exercise improves mental hygiene.  Mental hygiene meaning being clean but feeling dirty. I have a slight obsession where I'd feel dirty even after taking a shower, which would bother me for the entire day until I take a shower, and when I'm bothered like that I could feel my moodiness.

You know what kind of quality I look for in girls now?  Artsy girls!  I want to bring her in to teach my future fifth grade class how to do some kind of art shit.

Easter 2011

I found an Aerodactyl while exploring the sky.  I decided to cop it once I found out it was a female with Stealth Rock, rather than picking up the Hoppip, Sunkern, and Sentret I found prior to that meeting.  I already have an Aerodactyl, but I thought about it, and I'd be getting a new Pokemon everyday anyways, why not just take my time and get Pokemon that looks cool?  Anyways, Aerodactyl might be the last double I'd get since I only have seven boxes left.  I actually need to own Hoppip, Sunkern and Sentret to fill up my Pokedex (Seen 641, own 636)

Beacuse of my inconsistencies in Reading Partners, I've agreed to become a substitute.  I'm doing it out of my own charity, so my parents are a bit disappointed in me since I'm not getting paid.  I think they'd rather have it that I drop it completely.  I think I should, too, so I can focus on my CNA program. The anxiety of becoming a teacher now is officially killing me, and I HAVE to find ways to relax now.  Pokemon isn't cutting it since my boxes are full and I don't want to release any Pokemon, and if I can't do that, how can I search for the right Pokemon with the right IVs?  BTW, I'm leaving my DW Pokemon in the Entralink forest for now.

Nothing much has been happening, except I got motivation to build this Gundam my dad bought me from some place, as he went overseas for two weeks.

Anxiety of the future has been killing me.  It really has.  And I'm having my doubts of being a teacher.  I'm getting pulled into nursing just because I love old people. Maybe I'll settle and be a CNA l0l.  CNA with a Liberal Arts degree.

Not so Lost

I keep thinking that my past three years at college was unfruitful.  I did not gain anything out of it, and my life wasn't progressing.

But no matter what happens, life progresses as time progresses.

College chapters:

1st year- Identity

Thinking what I want to do, but not really wanting to do it, and feeling empty.

2nd year- Love

It is what it is. Mind over heart.

3rd year- Resolution

Experiences with the elderly, rediscovering my passion for teaching. The solution to love.

Before, my depression was about what was currently happening to me.  But now it's all anxiety and uncertainty of the future.  Just gotta pound my chest and follow my schedule.  Keepin my room clean and organized. Staying groomed.

and OMFG, just lost my 21st battle on Multi-Train, and it's not even super multi... only Durant left with like 1 HP in the end before it iron headed Sawk.

My team:

Hydreigon- Modest/Alert to Sounds- equipped with Expert Belt

DarkPulse/DragonPulse/FlameThrower/U-Turn, and

Garchomp- Lonely/Often Dozes off- equipped with Dragon Fang

Earthquake/DragonClaw/FireFang/Stone Edge

Hilda had a Reuinicleus or whatever it is, with Focus Blast, Psychic, and some other two moves that I forgot.  And a Sawk with Earthquake.

That House.

Instead of writing about my past experiences at my first Clinical rotation, I will try my best to stay current.  I can't relive the same feelings I have felt that would have enabled me write about my first Clinical rotation's experience, but I will remember it.  And it's an experience that I would forever cherish in my heart.

A man has lost hope.  He claims that he wants to die.  Yet his presence has sparked my soul.  The elderly may generally think that they do not have any purpose to breath, feeling incompetent to themselves and others. However, they are still people in my mind, and every single person can create an impact.  People may have different views to live, like most of the people, and the elderly, in that their role in life is to raise their children, and work until their physically and mentally tired, or disabled by nature's will.  I don't know what I'm saying anymore, but I think everyone has the right to live, no matter if they're disabled, evil, or crazy, or whatever.  I enjoyed my time at this facility.  It was so refreshing, interacting with people with dementia, and disabilities.  It was a calming experience.  It made me forget my personal troubles, even though I was having trouble at the facility, the disappearance of my own personal troubles exceeds normal trouble.

I got to experience real history.  The elderly, this is everyone's final result that we can witness that will happen to us.  We will get old.  But we will still live, and we have to live our best.  Being a CNA has reminded me that everyone needs help.  Whether its the elderly, or young kids, everyone wants to be helped in life, and everyone wants to feel good.  MV, my favorite, who I first fed, who was suffering from depression, was still living.  Pushing after four years. Paralyzed.  Waiting to die.  Checking off "It is not wonderful to be alive."  What do you do when it's not wonderful to be alive?  Naturally, we can't kill ourselves, but we have to live somehow.  During that time in between death and the ignition of depression, what do we do? I'm not trying to say that only certain people touch my lives, they all do.  DT also said he wanted to die.

Before entering a resident's room, a picture of them, usually, of what they looked like when they were younger, accompanies the room number. Seeing their picture when they were younger was also a gift of fascination this facility offered.  My first weeks in here, was truly emotionally draining.  That these people, who say HALP, I NEeD TO PEE, IS THERE CAKE? , used to be out of this facility.  They used to walk in the streets, and can comprehend what's around them, and are like everyone else.  But they change.  I wonder if people with dementia are really conscious, but it's just their outer self acting.  And the true "person" really doesn't know what he's doing in the outer world, but inside, they feel the same as everyone else who isn't diagnosed with "dimentia".

Anyway, back to DT.  I would feed him, and rub his back if he fell asleep while I was feeding him.  I took him to the bathroom when he needed to go, answered his call lights even though my heart dropped.  His family was there, his daughter and son one time, and he said IT'S MY BUDDY when I answered the call light.  I felt so happy and good about myself that I was called his buddy.  I felt like I was the only person who was doing the best to give the best possible experience. And maybe that's what I'm looking for in life.  To do something no one else can do, so I try my best to be better than everyone, because no one can be better than the best, and ew I sound so arrogant, but it's the truth.  I did the same sort of back rub in Bingo to O.  She would always yell at people, spit at people, and throw her drinks at people.  But she was sitting, closing her eyes and I rubbed her back while placing the chips on their respected spots on the Bingo board.  And when I had to go, she said thank you.  For breakfast, she eats in the room where unconscious looking-people go to be fed, yet she said thank you and smiled, which made me feel good.  And I know that she was alert when I did what I did because she looked at ease when I calmed her.

I'll never forget Mr. C who needs to P.  MV, who I can most relate to.  Professor L and his History channel, MA and her thoughts, my buddy DT, O's smile and teeth.  I did not see it, but one of my friends in my clinical would say that he would rub his wedding band, and smile or look sad.  His wife died a few years ago.  Nursing Homes are so emotionally draining.  It's like a different world like no other.   However, it's a satisfying sort of emotional draining.  Like raising kids.  I haven't raised kids yet, but we do it anyway no matter how tiring it is.  I only regret not documenting my experiences every single time I've spent there.  The new facility where I'm at, is alright.  I'm getting used to it.  I brought a lady milk, since she used the signal light to call and ask for milk, and she said thank you.  But before that, me and my friend were talking to her.  And that lady was hitting on me.  Oh well.

Today's my brother's birthday, and I was invited to a friend's birthday tomorrow but I can't make it.  GO NEW ORLEANS HORNETS.

Dream World

Transferred all my Pokemon Diamond, Platinum, and White Pokemon to Black.

Just need to transfer all of SoulSilver.

I only need these:  Hopip, Sunkern, Sentret, Buneary, Glameow, Murkrow, Staravia,Driftloon, and a few legendaries.  Though, I'll locate and befriend the non-legendaries in the Dream World.

I can't access the Dream World for some reason, so I missed out on three days.

Pokemon BW

So lyke my six Pokemon of Black version are almost 100!

Archeops- Lv 94, Lilligant- Lv94, Krookodile- Lv94, Hydreigon- Lv95,  Volcarona-Lv94, Emboar- Lv95

Though my original 6 consisted of a Victini (55), Gigalith (35), Unfezant (35), and Vanniluxe (70).  I had like 12 in rotation because it was so easy to level them up.

I still need to transfer my Thundurus from Pokemon White so I can get Landorus.

I'm leaving my Pokemon White right before the first run at the Elite 4 just because I want to see Ghetsis and N again.

Bisharp- Lv56, Golurk Lv56, Leavanny-Lv56, Victini- Lv56, Samurott- Lv56, Thundurus- Lv50 (going to replace with Zekrom)

Just realized I didn't blog about Pokemon Black/White at all... just Pokemon in general because I have finished Black that day I started talking about my official battling team thing.

Pokemon Dream World is fun... but it just costs too much Berries.  I'm leaving Carl, my Vanniluxe, tucked in.

I got a Glaceon in that befriend a Pokemon game ^^

Spring Break starts.

INFP

Taking this test: http://www.personalitytest.net/cgi-bin/q.pl

My personality is INFP.  I landed an INTJ in the other one I took.  hMmmMM.

And comparing the two, I think I'm more of an INFP.  But I also like the experimenting part of INTJ.

Actually, the "good writer" part of an INFP makes me more of a NOT INFP.

EDIT: INFP IS SUCH A GIRL.  When someone asks, I'm an INTJ.

dislikes list.

-When people in my memory forget memories that I cherish. I guess it'll sadden me to befriend the elderly who'd forget a lot... and babies.

I miss Chaparral.  I think I'd want to volunteer there.  I'll edit this later with my memories.