"We are freeer than we'd like to admit, we are freeer than we'd like to admit, we are freeer than we'd like to admit" 

*Sulks in the corner*

"...Because it kind of gives people permission for other people to do the same thing.  Disrespect invites disrespect.  Violence incites violence..."

Meryl Streep said it!!  I learned about this in my philosophy medieval European political class, and I keep repeating the same thing, but everyone follows the leader.  If the leader is all self-interest, everyone else would be... whether conscious or not conscious about it...

Anyways, I'm playing Wild Arms and rereading The Things They Carried.

The Liutenant feels that it was his fault that one of his subordinates died because he wasn't concentrating on the war; he was distracted by thinking of the person he loves.  Reminds me of me when my grandpa died.  I cried a lot at his funeral and viewing, not because of him, but because of that girl who would never love me back!

My energy level is so low...

I should always remember this feeling.  It's what long breaks does to me.  I can't wait for school to start.

... then there are aesthetics.  You just don't say certain words because they look and sound ugly.  How can I communicate when there are ugly words that I think of, and are meant to say, at that particular moment?  By not talking at all!  Or just replying "okay."  Words that I don't like saying include "awesome" or... "dude."  Actually, "dude" does not go through my head often.  But I semi-cringe when I hear someone say it... actually "cringe" is a word I don't like seeing or hearing.  

This doesn't have anything to do with word aesthetics, but "Holy fucking shit" comes to my head often or "what the fuck does this faggot want."  But my moral code does not allow me to say it.

Edit: Actually, nevermind, all words piss me off.

I wrote something earlier because I thought of something to blog about earlier, but I forgot what it was... I was hoping I would remember if I wrote something.  But I remembered what I wanted to blog about!

It was about "misunderstanding" and being "misunderstood."

These problems can be remedied by BETTER COMMUNICATION SKILLS.  I'm sure there are words for everything already... people just have to know them.  It's usually teenagers that are often "misunderstood" I think, because they don't know as many words as adults!!

But then again, words can lose its meaning by overuse... like "awesome" and "amazing." But people should be smart enough to know what those mean...

I think I said this before, but what does being understood mean anyway, is it tolerance or do we have to be "accepting" (being accepting by being "nice").

Speaking of being "nice" I don't like it if I'm with a person for a prolonged period of time, and all they show me is "nice."  I just don't like it.  It'll and it makes me uncomfortable.

So anyways, I think people who are often misunderstood just need to develop better communication skills.  (Which is what I'm about to do since I suck so much at communication!)

And to elaborate on the Will to Power thing... because I would think about the Will to Power when I feel or have thoughts of killing myself.  Thinking that I'm supposed to be possessed with the Will to Power just drops all those bad thoughts.

Damn.  I had a dream of my kami-oshi.  I almost cried when I woke up because it wasn't real, but instead I immediately went back to sleep, hoping I'd go back...

In the dream, my kami-oshi was my GF, and we just hung out and stuff.  This first part was kinda blurry.  But afterwards, the part that wasn't blurry, was when we embraced, then I laid my head against her back, and I could feel her feelings reciprocating, and the "signals" of the reciprocation were visible, and they were both on the same level, so basically it's a "she loves me as much as I love her thing" but it was all visible objectively.  Also, on that second part, she had shorter hair and a child.  I didn't think of it much at the time... but I guess this dream is supposed to take place in reality's far future? Lol.  I don't even think the child was mine, it was probably from her first husband or something.

And so, after that I woke up, and went back to sleep, hoping I'd go back to the same dream.

And I kind of did.  Except it's like time went backwards and we weren't in a relationship anymore, and I was just being awkward in front of her, kinda stalkerish, following her around.  We were in a fieldtrip of some sort... and it ended with me, going to music class and meeting up some of my former classmates from the CNA program five years ago, and they look much older but I forgot their names... hmm.. also, I saw my other classmate friend person and I tried to suprise her but she disappeared.

Sorry, I don't feel like describing settings.  It takes too long for me.  Especially in dreams, where everything is random.

I think the Will to Power was supposed to explain what human beings are already doing.

But it's actually motivating me to actually do something.  It's like I didn't have the Will to Power before I knew what it meant....

So what am I saying?  Of course, to say that I'm special because I have to be told what I'm doing to actually do something!

In my lifetime thus far, there were three girls that kicked my ass.

The first one... happened a decade ago.  It was more of a "puppy love" kind of thing.  Basically, she was emotionally mature, and I was not, and I ended up looking like a wuss.

This is where things get real.  Because I would have never come to this realization if it wasn't for getting into 48G, mainly their variety shows and drama shows where they introduce me to the popular Japanese labels "S" and "M"  S is short of sadist and M, for masochist.

The second one was crazy.  She was definitely masochist, and complimented me for sending her hate letters.

Being stupid, I sort of generalized girls subconsicouly during this phase (and possibly all the life I had that led up to this phase).

So, I treated the third girl with hate, but she responded differently... by avoiding me.  She was definitely a sadist though because she would talk to people semi-tsunderish.  She would say "fuck you!" And she even said that she can't feel other people's joy.

Anyways, I just like labeling people, and I found labels for the girls who kicked my ass.  Miss S, Miss M, and... the first one, whatever her label should be.