So I think I did have a few good memories...

17.  I made everyone laugh in high school.  I would randomly laugh because I would think of the absurdity of life while reading in front to the class, and everyone else would start laughing.  I was also the best Teacher Cadet.

18.  It was fun walking around campus with Caroline.  Some dark stuff happened when I was 18.  I was addicted to Persona 3 and 4 though. 

19.  I guess hanging out with Kathleen was cool.  She laughed at me and understood my humor.

20.  I was getting over this one girl, but I had great memories as a tutor.  Randy and Chris were my students.  I got the tutor of the month award, on my first month! I also did CNA work with mah peeps!  That was fun. Patients thought I was a nice little boy.  And I had a little reunion with Sarah in an English class where I did a funny speech.  I was top comedian this year.  

21.  I was transitioning to University... but at the same time, I wanted to stay home to be with my MapleStory PvP team. I sort of experienced the dorm life, I hung out with Mike and his GF at the time.  So I did I have friends after all. ...and also, with the Maple PvP thing, I was the top Fire Mage, so I guess I was a popular video game player this year.

22.  This girl I thought I had a connection with ripped my heart out.  But I hung out with this other cool girl, Kiana.  I also went to this one theater thing and saw some cool people dancing with two cool girls from Japan.  I played basketball a lot... I shot a game winner, so that was cool.  I guess I was a master basketball player this year. 

23.  I read a lot of books.  I also met an online friend, first time meeting an exclusive online friend! I also hung out with Lisa a lot, she was cool.  I apprehensively sipped wine from the same glass as her! I also went to a restaurant with ... gasp, friends! So, I was.. top social butterfly this year. 

24.  I met one of my best online friends in person.  This was also the year where I finally rested, and achieved my life goal of doing nothing. I also wrote a little short story thing and a lot of people raised their hands and voted because they really liked what I wrote! So I was a master novelist this year. 

25.  I went on a road trip with my dad's family, I played MapleStory for pretty much the last time, and I said goodbye to this girl I held on for four years... so this year, I was master resilience man, since I lived. 

26.  I went to school for revenge!  And had a good time with it.  School was fun, finally.

27.  First time my family owned a new console since the PS2.  Kicked off with a Wii U, then an SNES Classic, then a PS4, and a Switch. It wasn't as great as I thought it would be, and I ended up finishing Dragon Quest VIII and Final Fantasy XII on the PS2 rather than playing the new systems. Though I did finally play the Xenoblade games.  Still doesn't match Chrono Trigger I guess, but Xenoblade X might be in my top ten.  I was also mentioned a lot by my Professor for my Cultural class, she always liked what I wrote in the Discussion Boards. 

28.  Pokemon year, did nothing, brain dead. I guess I passed the HESI and TEAS with high 80s, so I guess I can be academically competent. 

29.  Finally kind of asked a girl I actually like out! And we went out, like a lot, and I told her my feelings and stuff and she met my mom and went to my house.  It was cool lol. And social isolation finally because socially acceptable!

PEDS PEDS PEDS PEDS. 

Edit: So I looked at my previous post and I pretty much wrote the same thing, I guess the same memories just keep playing over and over.  Especially when I am entering The Third Decade. 

The Past Decade

So I probably actually did have a life and did things...

If only I took in the moment at the time though.  During these moments I was depressed, because of the ugly girl.

I turned 20, and watched a lot of Detective Conan.  I had a cool friend in Piano class, and I went back to tutoring kids.  I was into basketball a lot too, and experienced the Nursing Home.  It was there that I ruminated on death and life a lot.  Also, BLM. 

When I was 21... I went to university and played "competetive MapleStory."  MapleStory PvP.  I met a lot of people.  My life was moreso "online" than it was at university.  I wished I left my online life behind me before I started university. 

When I was 22, I met a cool girl and did some projects at her dormitory.  She was really cool.  We also went to Safeway.  Sometimes those little cherished moments are free. Most of the time, those little cherished moments are free.

When I was 23, I played basketball again and had a memorable game winner.  I took the BART and read lots of novels.  I went home and fooled around Twitch TV.  I also met another girl, and ate out in a restaurant with some friends, including her.  She was cool, but not as cool as the cool girl.  I had friends.  The last months of 23 were spent in SoCal, waiting. I aslo met an online friend for the first time.

When I was 24, I finished university and waited.   I had interesting professors.  My writing was acknowledged and people liked it.  I also met my "first love" in person.  I also spent a day with an online friend all day that summer. in AX. 

When I was 25, I celebrated my birthday with friends for the first time since high school. I traveled south, east, west, and north, with my dad.  A roadtrip.  I played MapleStory Reboot, probably my last time really dedicating myself to it. I also said goodbye to ugly girl.  And I watched a lot of idol stuff to get over her.

When I was 26, I went to school again.  I also got a new video game system.  The Wii U. It was also the first time I felt like a real member of society. I missed school when it was over.

When I was 27, I played a lot of video games.  I got a PS4 and Switch.  I watched a lot of YouTube.  My childhood best friend got married.  I met another online friend in person. I played a lot of Xenoblade 2. 

When I was 28, I watched and played a bunch of Pokemon. My interest in idol shows declined as well, and I think I got over ugly girl. My last month as a 28 year old was spent playing Persona 5.

When I was 29... I started Nursing School.  I went up to a girl I liked.  The girl I liked went to my house.  It was the first time a girl I liked went to my house. Video Games are also not as fun as I thought they would be.

I feel like it doesn't matter if people are pretentious or not or whatever... it's all fine, because we really are all part of one planet, really... we are all the Entity split in different parts with an uncomprehensible end.

Woah it's May. Thirty years ago... my mom was two weeks away from being third trimester with me.

It's Like I Died

And I watched my mom grieve for me...

It's a weird feeling...

but it also means that I cannot kill myself.  I won't kill myself.

I can't live in the moment.

When I think about how ephermeral everythign is, I can't help but start crying, especially when I just realize it at that moment, that I'm thinking that that moment will never come back... being mindful isn't working... I can't enjoy the present... I just end up crying.

My first thirty years of life is living life as it is inspired by art...

I think my next thirty should be about how my art is immitated by living...

...so I guess it just neutralizes and if I kill myself nothing would matter anyway.

Wow, I actually did have friends looking back..

Maybe I just never felt that way because I never felt real when I spoke. 

I think I changed a bit after 2010 maybe.  Or around January 2016.

I made my mom cry yesterday.  She really doesn't want me to kill myself, even after she's gone.

Grr Glenn, grr says Cyrus.

I hate people way too quick...

So I had essentially unlimited McDonalds...

I have all the games I wanted pretty much...

Had thought something was this thing but it's really not all that...

Yeah, too much in excess makes everything boring...

I lived a good life.

I feel like I can never live in the moment, and that I always look forward to the times when I can look back at moments. So in that case, I probably wouldn't mind at all if I just get fake memories inplanted on me.  It's not like I look forward to the future anyways.

During these times I am kinda glad that "the leaders of the world" care more about life than money. Hashtag faith in humanity.

I am going to abandon my video game hobby...

I am way more than 1/3rd done with life... it's too time consuming, and the only games I remember are the games I played when I was ten.  And the games I do actually play are all sequels and remasters, or a game with a few add-ons...AC:NH,  P5Royal, FFVIIRemake, Trials of Mana, XB Definitive, they are all games with bases I have already covered pretty much, and some of it changed for the worse... I'd rather replay what I have.

If I do play games, it would be replaying something, something from my backlog, or a co-op game...

Only because of my mortality, it just doesn't make sense to keep continuing this and not remembering my experiences.

The people who are making games are now probably younger than me... and yeah, I am just a bitter old man.  You kids get off my lawn!

When I was an adolescent, I've always dreamed of being dead.

I still dream of being dead today.

Maybe it's a heroic death.  There's a kid walking down the street, a truck barrels its way up, I push the kid out of the way and I get mowed down by the wheels...

Or I take a whole bottle of salicylate tablets and gulp it down, washing it down my esophagus with Mountain Dew.

Or I straggle myself with a tournequet.

Or I use an Ace Wrap to hang myself from the top of my stairs.

Or I lie down on my bed and never move to eventually die of starvation, or an infection from a pressure ulcer. 

There are many ways to accomplish a dream.  People take different paths, and can end up in the same destination...

I think I'm just too lazy to kill myself.  A mixture of being too lazy and too fearful.

Yeah, I am in no position to kill time right now.  Oops!

I probably will end up killing myself before I turn 30.

Words are easier to follow when it is put in other people's words.  Why am I not confident in my own thoughts?

How do you cope with all this?

Work.

Arrest of a stone Buddha

Nothing