Because of her I have higher standards now... it has to be her, if not, better in all of her traits, and I have to be feelin it... she raised the bar up so high.

... and because of her, I believe in love again.

Why couldn't you tell me that seven months ago... you inconsiderate piece of shit!

there is more than one truth...

I didn't want to let you know that I didn't stay committed to you.  My feelings ran wild, and I felt like moving on... it wouldn't hurt I thought, it wouldn't hurt you because you didn't like me.

But it hurt me.

For now, I have to respect her last message, and avoid "spamming" her.  I guess one buddy request a day isn't spam.  I'll interrupt her 11:11 wish as I request it.

Patience is a virtue

too light winning make the prize light

WHEW

I thought she felt that I was emotionally cheating on her, but she didn't, just mad at what I did....

Or maybe the truth would have been better, that I actually did consider talking and dating that other girl...

SIGH, NEVER GOING TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN.  I'm going to ask for consent to the girl  I really like next time, and if it's not going anywhere, I HAVE TO TELL HER.

It's fucking stupid to forget.

It's fucking stupid to forget.

It's fucking stupid to forget.

It's fucking stupid to forget

It's fucking stupid to forget.

It's fucking stupid to forget

It's fucking stupid to forget.

It's fucking stupid to forget

It's fucking stupid to forget.

It's fucking stupid to forget

It's fucking stupid to forget.

It's fucking stupid to forget

ehHEHEHEHE.

"Judging the mistakes of strangers is an easy thing to do... and it feels pretty good." - SPUTNIK SWEETHEART

That quote has no relation to what I'm about to say.

And I think I know why I'm not crying.  I have it embedded in my mind that a man cannot cry until its all over.  And it isn't over, it never was over!

That's why I have to remind myself: a month from now... thump thump thump.

Saturday was my uncle's birthday, and a few of my cousins came over to my house.  We celebrated it in my house, because my uncle wanted to celebrate it at my house.  I guess its because its bigger and there's a lot of space.

So while waiting for my birthday uncle, my other uncle, auntie, and cousin decided to visit my grandpa's grave, and so we went... and like on the way I asked where my cousins BF was, because she's always with him, and she was like w/e, I don't care.

And then after visiting my grandpa, we arrive home and her BF was there with my other cousin and his GF, and he just like went up and kissed her or w/e, and it was so cute wtf, I thought they were like in a relationship turmoil...

And its like what can I do in situations like this... NOTHING AT ALL, because its LDR, unless I like show how not creepy I am IRL which is my goal right now, I have to meet her to verify that she's not the one, or if she's the one.  I know I'm all around kick ass!

So yeah, we celebrated... hella fun.  We had a 4 vs 4 basketball game.  My team lost, but my stat line was like 6-2-4 or something, playing up to 16 points.  I think I did pretty good in the beginning because I was like passing it to everyone and I stole the ball like twice or something lol.  It was like a playground, they were riding our bikes around our backyard, doing pull ups in our pull up bar and so much outdoor fun @_@  I LOVE FAMILY.. unconditional love <3 ...="" about="" because="" don="" forever.="" fucking="" have="" nbsp="" p="" personality="" re="" t="" tied="" to="" together="" up="" we="" worry="" you="" your="">

Love Summary

So maybe the prophecy thing was right.

This is the thing I'm referring to: "Before you can grow up, you must fall in love three times. Once you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more. Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as any less than you deserve. And once you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be.
And when you're through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that hurt you, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that you needed the most.

But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and not something that can be defined, it is different to each person that experiences it. And you will learn to respect each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved."

Maybe I completed this, and I'm set free!

Just a side note though, but I've "loved" a girl that's too tall, too fat, and too ugly. Maybe the next one is the "too perfect"? Lol. I'm not saying that too tall, too fat, or too ugly in a disparaging way though, because that's really what they looked like physically, but I absolutely loved their inner qualities which made me, well, love them.

So yeah, this person must have been the third one.  What I want to be:  Hella fucking rich, hella fucking rich, hella fucking rich!  And then keep all my money somewhere to ruin the economic distribution in our country. 

If I don't fuck up, it means I don't love her.

Empathy of the Earth

Usually during these tumultuous times in my head,I'd cry... but I really didn't.  I think I tried to which caused me to go temporary insane, but I really couldn't shed a tear.

But today, in the middle of all these sunshiny weather, it happens to rain today.  Perhaps the sky is crying for me, knowing that I can't cry.

And that'll do.

Dammit, I WAS JUST PLAYING WITH THE HIT COUNTER.

And bitch you didn't say please.

10 Day Challenge, Day 8

8. Three turn ons

1. Cries a lot
2. Talks to me
3. Blogs (apparently all the girls I've ever liked, blogged)

Edit: June 2, 2013, 12:00 Noon.  Instead of "talks to me", I'd say really loves me and appreciates me genuinely... I think I want a relationship where I am loved.

the thing about falling for someone after being friends...

Is that you don't know how to act once you realize you fell...

You start doing different things... like maybe it was just for attention?

But really, try staying the same... just be the same, and that was my problem... I tried changing for her... I tried to imitate the people whom she probably would like.


But I'm not like that.  I'm really not like that.  I was who I was, and what I tried to be, I am not.

But maybe I am who I tried to be: I am that process of what I was trying to be.

Was I just trying to manipulate her into thinking what the kind of person she thinks she likes?

I don't know.

And I probably won't, because I don't, and only God knows.  I'm only humans, and each human's different...

There's nothing I could have done, but I felt that I have the capabilities to do so, because we are all human and we can do what other humans can do, right?

But each human ignites a certain feeling towards other humans that can't be imitated... that I think, cannot be immitated.  This is why first impressions count so much... I guess.

I don't know.

When they fall in love, they are truly blind with it, allowing it to consume them.

Consumed right now, yes.

lalala~

hearing from you was like listening to a really good song
stalking you was like downloading that song illegally.

10 Day Challenege, Day 7

7. Four turn offs

1. Bigotry
2. Slippers with jeans
3. Smells bad (a lot of perfume smells bad too)
4. Weird make-up

reflection phase

she said I was too calm 

And I guess my non calm form wasn't good enough... but I think I am naturally really passive and calm because I don't give a fuck about anything.

I don't like you

Fucking dumbass.  I said I only care about myself, and caring for myself means I only care about liking you.  I don't give a fuck if you like me or not. 

Nutrition Facts

I've learned somewhere that the labels are misleading.

But I don't think much people read them anyway.

I think Nutrition Facts should be like this, or at least have a label that tells people this:

CHOCOLATE CAKE:  Makes you fat

Or tells what it does to your brain.

CHOCOLATE CAKE:  Makes you fat, makes you more aggressive, lazy

10 Day Challenge, Day 6

6. Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

- Lol, I'll lump them all together: ENTIRE FAMILY

 -A

- C

- J

- My future wife.

Knowing that you HAVE to do something...

May be the best feeling in the world.

Last Words

"To put this bluntly, you're creepy. I didn't think I'd have to spell it out for you, but you obviously you can't take a hint. I don't like you and I wasn't going to respond to your messages. But there are boundaries and you've pushed it. You're downright stalkerish. You should stop lurking my tumblr. It's creepy that you managed to find my new one and visited my old one like 500 times a day. I won't read or respond to any further messages, quit spamming."

Hah, this is how it ends... in the end, as best friends as we were for four months, it ends like this:

Me holding on as long as possible,

her not caring at all.

And I guess there are people like that, but it is what it is.  I'm not sad, because I fought til the bitter end.

Thus concludes the love that I thought was meant to be.

The worst that can happen now is me reclusing from the world and people there by my side when I'm trying to recluse.

What I learned:  Skeptical, or non skeptical, don't think about it because being either way will hurt you in the end.  Also, to get answers, you have to become creepy.  Also, don't wait, it's always Now or Never. Actually I was always a Now or Never type of person, its just that I became cautious just recently, and yeah, maybe its more of to stop being so cautious?

What I hope she learned:  To be more blunt?

God I'm glad its not her... she's sorta  "ehh", lol. 

More of a reason to recluse...

at least just tiny happy moments.... make me incredibly happy.
But I have to realize it first.

10 Day Challenge, Day 5

5. Six things you wish you'd never done

1.  Ask for a computer
2.  Talk
3.  Eat
4.  Breathe
5.  Go to college
6.  Think

And so

And so it transforms to extreme hatred.

Anger is the last resort to the pathetic.

Anger is the last resort to the pathetic.
Anger is the last resort to the pathetic.
Anger is the last resort to the pathetic.
Anger is the last resort to the pathetic.
Anger is the last resort to the pathetic.

This is how it should end... both parties angry at each other, unwilling to forgive.

Holding on for so long... being so patient, but trying a different approach.

The best way to leave without any regrets.

10 Day Challenge, Day 4

4. Seven things that cross your mind a lot

1. J.O. 
2. XXX
3. Death
4. Procrastinating
5. My future
6. The future
7.  Things that made me laugh in the past that makes me laugh out randomly

Tip of the Day

Just do it, because no matter how you're feeling, once you do it, you'll get into it, and all the negative energy will dissipate.

It was a coincidence...

I think its a coincidence now.  From what I gathered:

-She only likes and favorites videos on YouTube and she doesn't check her comment page.  Her old "About Me" is still there, and it looks as if she doesn't comment other people's pages.

-She recently added me to her ignored list on Gaia after she read my messages... I don't get it.

-But she started blogging again and deleted that one post right after I posted that YouTube comment.  But then again, it really doesn't look like she's tracking whoever is viewing her blog.   Maybe she just deleted it because she wasn't feeling that other guy anymore, or something happened between them.  Whatever it was though, it has to be a LoL guy, and from stalking her games she hasn't been playing with any of the people she usaually does in a constant basis anymore.

It's really difficult... why can't she just talk to me.  Oh yeah, she's a bad friend.

I really need to learn how to get rid of ideas.  Maybe the ideal kind of love I want really isn't ideal.  Maybe it's just meant to happen without anything that I always looked for.

Anyways, I'm going to get mad at her after the first week of July, if we don't make any contact by then.  May and June should be spent on research... (aka, reading Shingeki no Kyojin, specifically looking into Mikasa, and playing LoL, and perhaps reading more Psychology books, and studying her old blog and stuff).

So difficult too, because of her unconscious.  Why did she decide to fall in the hands of the White Guy?  It just doesn't match her ideal self.  Maybe that physicality really is a basic need, just like food.  I don't think she resists food so she doesn't resist guys like that I guess.  Sigh.  Everything is just so complicated.

From what she shows though, it really looks like she wants to just get away from me... but it's making me feel so sad and mad at the same time, because I really invested in her, put my time on her, and I was happy too... I'm never happy, but she made me happy.  I really want to show how much I hate her... but did I ever show how much I loved her?  I don't know anymore.  It's been so long.. and what if she hasn't been receiving how I've been trying to talk to her once every two weeks?

What if she sees that I just given up back then, and she never saw me try hard to become her friend again and that she's been over it for so long...

This really really... is pathetic of me.

I hope I die somehow tomorrow.

Well, I have to sleep now.  What an unproductive day.  I mean, week.  Er, month.  Or year... or life.  What an unproductive life.

I hope I die in my sleep.

I feel that I don't deserve being hurt and heartbroken so consecutively, and at the same time I feel that I don't deserve to be happy either...

I really do think that I'm better off dead.

So yeah, please pray that I die in my sleep.

... and it's not like she was ever interested in me in the first place.

10 Day Challenge, Day 3

3. Eight ways to win your heart


1. Be her

2. Because

3. She won my heart already.

4. I don't want.

5. Anyone.

6. Else.

7. So yeah,

8. You have to be her.

In a realistic perspective though, I'll never be with her.

-When a girl doesn't fix her hair while walking past you. Less than slash three.

-Last two days of June, I have to get to SoCal somehow...

-I have to study her ideal self, and then once we get back (because we will if I don't give up), I can help her become her ideal self...

-I realize that I don't hate her, I only hate her absence.

-I noticed that from a very young age, my ears dilate to everyone around me, so I was always naturally self-conscious.  It might not be a good idea to inhabit an overstimulating area such as a large classroom.

10 Day Challege, Day 2

2. Nine things about yourself

1.  I appear introverted but I'm just a failed extrovert.

2.  I stay home and sleep all day.

3.  I learn from my mistakes in my head only, becase I make the same mistakes again anyway.

4.  I like puns.

5.  I enjoy long showers.

6.  I have really unstable mood changes.

7.  I think I have a XXY chromosome, which prevents me to feel confident about myself.

8.  I laugh at random times.

9.  I'm in love but she hates me and hasn't said anything to me in a time longer than how long we've been friends.

10.  My favorite book is The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. 

When talking I should...

When I'm talking I should start with...

This is what I think:

This is how I feel:

It really opens up conversations, ones that I'm satisfied with at least.

"Hi! What team do you want to win?"

What I think:  I think I  want the Spurs should win because I want to see the Spurs face the Heat.  I want Duncan to have another ring,.. though I'm a big fan of Z-Bo.  I feel that this is the Spurs's last chance with Duncan at his best, though with Danny Green and Kawaii Leonard, I think we'll still see them in the playoffs...

How I feel:  BUT I want the Grizzlies to win, because I'm a Z-Bo fan, and its like the end of the contract for all their players, so actually I think I want the Grizzlies to win.

Yeah, I want the Grizzlies to win, because I think Spurs will have a chance at it again next season. I don't know, when does Duncan become a free agent?

10 Day Challenge, Day 1

10 Day Challenge
1. Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now
2. Nine things about yourself
3. Eight ways to win your heart
4. Seven things that cross your mind a lot
5. Six things you wish you'd never done
6. Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
7. Four turn offs
8. Three turn ons
9. Two smileys that describe your life right now
10. One confession

1. Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

1.  Hi.  WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN.  WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME.  If only my heart agreed with my mind I would stop trying.  I should stop trying.  But I think I'm in love with you, and without attaching myself to you, I'll have these really dark thoughts that are painful to me (even though I know I can handle it). Just say something to me... just say that you don't like me.  Just tell me to GTFO.  Just tell me you despise my existence like what this other-person that-told-her-friend-that-she-couldn't-tell-me-in-front-of-my-face

2.  Call, no texting please, I don't have a texting plan.

3.  The only reason why I'm not stopping you from going, or moving down south is that... if you did move down there, I think I'll feel closer to her because she lives down there. 

4.  HAH, you really don't give a shit about me.

5.  OHOHOHOHO, is this why you ditched me on Thursday?!?!

6.  You've changed, ever since you married her... I don't think you're a good match at all.  Sure your income may be up, but other than that, you two are really different, from what I see, and it really looks like she doesn't love you... its just my observations.  I'm not going to tell you this directly though because I don't see you or talk to you everyday.

7.  I think you stopped talking to me because I didn't tell you something.  Oops!

8.  HAH, you really don't give a shit about me either!

9.  aHAHAH, and YOU, don't really give a shit about me either.

10.   Hi, I stalk your Tumblr almost everyday even though we haven't spoken to each other in four years, and talked to for six.  I just genuinely like who you are, that's all.  Please understand that it's not being creepy!

OHOHOHOHOHOHO.

She seems okay for now though... I shouldn't make a move. But she just started summer break... and she's not doing much from what I've researched...

Is now the best time to initiate Phase: GET HER BACK.?

I think I'll send a hate message in the peak of her happiness.

...because I don't want her to be happy without me.

Dropping the bomb.

 I now deem you as a really bad friend and I officially hate you now.

What the hell is this Tomodachi shit.  You're no friend, you treat us like shit just like your face with makeup. You're the opposite, deceiving people with your name, just like your fake personality.  All you do is care about yourself, just like the American Government, self seeking, self satisfying, and dishonest.  You creatures are despicable and I know that's why you suck the red white and blue dick.  You two are two of a kind and can empathize with one another because you only care about your own self-interests and own well-being.  People like you is what holds this country back.

I can only see you as an immature attention seeker who hopes to gain attention from those other 10, 20, or, or and, 100 boys and I'm glad I'm not part of the contraction you obtained; that virtual STD through the wireless signalling from your only genuine lover, your Laptop.

I needed you for the things you've said, and I felt that I could trust you, but you are a socially inept cowardly immature hypocrite.  I can't believe how much energy I invested in you.  I can't even believe thethings I've said about you, and that you have a good inside because you don't.

I can't believe everything we talked about actually meant something to me. I can't believe I've been thinking about this longer than the time that we've been actually friends.  What the hell.

Honesty: 2/10
Communication: 8/10
Helpfulness: 5/10
Fun Factor/Humor: 2/10
Understanding: 6/10
Reliability: 4/10
Trust: 1/10

Overall Rating: 4/10 

(I really don't mean this, sorry, this is just an experiment to see if you'd talk to me again.. and well, I'm considerate BTW coz I'm sending this after your Finals. Also, just a little change in mood because I think I should change my kind/stupid/silly methods because they are clearly not working. PLEASE don't take this seriously or you can, whatever, this is just an EXPERIMENT.  AN EXPERIMENT.)

I really don't want to hurt you, but when I get mad, I make sure the recipient is hurt.  It's all or nothing for me when I'm angry.

edited with a revamped rating system.

So I think I'm going to have a minor in Biology.  I think its funny and I feel good about it.

Be honest using your mind, not heart.

"Hi.  I don't know if i'm in the position to say this, but I'll say it anyway.  How are you doing? Or, it may be a  stupid question since I stalk your Tumblr anyways, and from the looks of it, you're doing fine, so that's like my assumption."

She really doesn't give a fuck about me...

It really won't last if its all one sided.... no wonder her friends leave her, she doesn't give a fuck.

Madman Xeno

I think its okay for me to be a twisted madman around other people... its not like I'll be their friend, in a long lasting relationship anyway.

Socializing

I notice that I like it when I'm assigned to a group.  I really like socializing once I'm assigned like that... BUT I hate going up to people by choice, initiating something to say, and stuff like that.  Maybe its my nature to just leave things as it is, and I really like it that way... I really like leaving things as it is.

My Oath

I plan to stay committed until she flats out rejects me.

... and it's back.

I had a dream about her!  Weird dream though, it was a dream about me stalking her Tumblr.

Anyways, I think because of this dream, my feelings are back.

I woke up in such a good mood.  Not overly joyous, just the normal kind of mood that I hope to wake up to everyday.

I finished All That She's Worth. It's supposed to be a really good book, and I blame the translator for not making it really good, and not only that, because I had bad experiences with books he translated in the past.

Also heard that Pink song this morning, Just Give Me a Reason, and now I set it on repeat like a madman.

Speaking of madmans, I'm also tired of drawing Jesus everywhere on my notebook when I'm bored in class.  I think I'll start drawing Fredrich Nietzche everywhere now instead.

and now it's fading...

Not sure if this is bad for me and good for her or good for me and good for her, but...

I'm beginning to lose interest.

Today is also a 17 day.  3+8+1+3.  I planned to write her something, but nothing is coming out of my heart. I really need her to say something to me...

It just so happens also that this is my 17th post on May.

17 is her favorite number, that's why I think of 17 when I think of numbers.

NOT going to get mad at her

Because... she never got angry at me... never showed anger at all...

And I'm really not that kind of person to get angry like that... unless I'm doing it for someone else, like I'd get mad to protect her.

But then again... she's probably doing it worse by talking about me to other people.

defect... I'm a defect.

Maybe those who get depressed are those who are striving to be different because in the end we know that we all have to be alike... but we're actually not that different I think.  We're only different for two reasons:  Our genetics, and the environment (this includes the media and its stupid advertisements).

Anyways, I really think I'm mentally ill, especially when I really really really like someone.  It's been so long and I think I still like her so much.

Damn, my blog's not exciting because I only post one side of myself... my internal side.

I should start posting my superficial side, which would!... consist of a lot of pictures.

I think that would be the benefit of having an iPhone or whatever though... I'd be able to picture everything that's around me, and I think if I was in a relationship with her, she'd be less anxious because I can show her exactly what I'm up to at anytime she wants to know.

Path from Actual to Ideal self

Is this "Ideal" self an illusion of the mind created by this consumerist and easily influenced society?  Where did I get these ideas of who I wanted to be...

As a kid, I admired the impossible to become.  They are:

Geno.

That's probably it, that I could think of from the top of my head.  I think it's pretty cool actually, and I've always been a Geno fan ever since I opened up the instruction manual of Super Mario RPG when I was eight.  So this is psychologically correct, since its consistent with what I was when I was little (thinking that it's still pretty cool).

I have to somehow connect everything I do to my own philosophy to justify whatever action I do no matter how random the things I do are.

A Random Stage

How a fly feels (but with human emotions) intruding a human's house.  With the residents determined to eliminate it.

#*$& it.

I'm just going to say wassup to everyone I see now.

Stop thinking and say wassup.

Need. To build my social confidence this way.  Also, I need some networking.  Say wassup to whoever I'm passing by, say bless you whenever someone sneezes, and say fuck you to those who talk during lectures.

I'm going to go crazy if I don't try following up on my "ideal" self, and that's not okay.

First step!  ADDING COOL WHITE GIRL ON FACEBOOK.

I think I look like I'm crying when I'm kinda smiling.  This kinda sucks.

Capitalism + Education

I think that this combination has created this new age... I call this new age the Age of Entertainment.

Because of the technology, and the realization of blah blah blah, people now live to be entertained and blah blah blah no more religion, god is dead, blah blah society's collapse, blah blah blah no more fucking morals, no more living in fear... entertainment !

Taking Off the Pressure

I shouldn't be concerned about her liking someone else.  I shouldn't be concerned about the future of us.  I shouldn't be concerned what happens after she becomes my friend again.

The only thing I should be working on is to show that I really do want to be her friend again... or at least just let her into my life again... into my daily routine.

It'll be worth it... it'll be worth it...

Because it was worth it when I had it.

Must Recluse

I think I'll give myself eight days before I send her another letter.... which will be my last.

As patient as I thought I was, I just can't do it anymore.  It's really consuming me, but at the same time its keeping me alive... without it, I'd die, and with it, I'm having a torturous death.

I think it would be better if I send messages to her if I wasn't in love or obsessed with her or whatever... but maybe she really is not the friend I thought she was...  it really hurts how she just ignores me, stops talking to me, and just cuts off communication with me... not even living up to her words that she's there for me.

She wasn't even thankful for me being her friend... never really cared about me at all, really.  Never took her time to just get to know me... it was always me that was interested in her, the more I look back at it.

I really have to let this one go, for my sake.  I want to die a peaceful death.

She's also a liar, and she talks to so many other people... she really does talk to so many other people, and those four months we had together, as special as I thought it was, it was probably just a Tuesday to her.  She probably cherishes those moments like she cherishes her memories of being a one year old baby.  Everything we've been through was meaningless... because she's not showing it...

I don't know.  I just want to die.  Now.  I want to die now. I'm really really tired of all this... I want to hold on, but I can't, too tired. And annoyed.  But more tired than annoyed.  Because I'm used to being annoyed... annoyed for what, 6 months?

And so my heart leaps at the sight at another Tumblr entry or YouTube Like, and the cycle continues...

Theory on Dark Thoughts and Empathy

Maybe everyone has dark and ominous thoughts like me.  Maybe it's deep in the unconscious.  It's just that they are not aware of it... everyone knows life is not a good thing... that's why we use money and love to distort the view on life.  The more money and love people need, the more dark thoughts they have hidden... and because of these dark thoughts, we have empathy and we know what each other is going through.

I just want to know what she thought of me...

Actual to Ideal

Things that I wish I could get from doing school work:

-Gaining courage
-Being able to talk without my whole body shaking
-Being able to do stuff under pressure without having my hands shake
-Not blushing during conversation (or feel an increase in temperature)
-Having a fluid clear, crisp, and loud voice

April Showers, Brings May flowers?

Damn, I've been trying to fix this more than we have been actually friends... this proportion is staggering.

Do I give up?

Hell no, I invested way too much energy and I'm feeling so close... I just have to keep it up.  I have to stay committed.  Then the purpose of my life will be ripe to fruition, and I can finally live my life with courage!

Hopefully these November, December, January, February, March, April showers, finally brings May flowers.