I was only setting up for a joke. It was supposed to end with me saying "you say you're not shallow, but you look stunningly gorgeous. There is no way you can naturally look like that." I'm sure she got offended, and I just have this feeling that she just won't believe in me anymore. I want to talk to her, but I can't. I think I have to wait a bit, this isn't the time to joke around anyways. And what good will be in it for me? Nothing. I keep making the same mistakes, and I can't seem to fix them either anymore. I need to keep this friendship if I'm going to marry her. So I'll wait for a bit. I need our feelings to calm down. She doesn't trust me, and how can she trust me after all I said? Yup.
Today was the first day of class. I didn't have a calculator so I was slow in doing that chemistry math ready exam. I got 17/20, I haven't had a math class in awhile so I struggled using common sense from previous math courses. My teacher is awesome. Hella smart people will get a D, but diligent and average people will get a B. I like how he teaches, he has that natural teaching and talking ability like the other good teachers I ever had. I'll do my best this semester.
In lab today, I was going to be partnered up with Vanessa from my old english class. She didn't remember me, most likely because I had shorter hair. We shook hands, and then her Asian friend started talking to her. I was going to be happy because I was with two other hard working people. But then I see Phyu Phyu, and I became her lab partner instead because she asked me, and Vanessa looked like she wanted to be with her Asian friend. We're supposed to have three lab partners though, so I was going to ask the professor if we can have a foursome but I didn't. We connected so well though, I didn't think we could because back in high school, I would give her the cold shoulder, just because she was seen as a loser. But it was nice talking to her, she opened up to me, and I could easily open up my side. Maybe its just because I know I'm better than her. We share a lot of hobbies, and I learned that she has to work to take care of the rest of her family, and she's working paying for herself to go to school. I'm glad I'm her partner though, I feel like this will be a fun semester.
After that, my family spent dinner, first time at Black Angus. The food is okay, I like the atmosphere and the waiter more though. He was cool, he was nice at first and happy, and when my mom gave him a $10 tip, he got even more happy so its cool how people can get happier than happy.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
tired. nauseated.
It’s my turn. You keep picking on me on little things, so I’ll do the same since you want to be treated the same way you treat others. Stop. Provoking. Me. I can't live up to YOUR standards. And I won't live up to what you want. I won't stop being suspicious, I won't stop lying, and I won't stop being hypocritical. YOU DO THAT TOO. IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE HUMAN. I don't care about working for you anymore. And I'm finally going to say that I can't believe I wasted my good words on YOU.
1. You ran away when you called me a liar. You don’t like it when other people ran away, yet you did.
2. “Doesn’t it make you wonder what my REAL opinion of you is?”
3. You said we can’t be friends because I haven’t moved on, yet after that you said it’s okay to love you.
4. When you said its okay that I love you, and I start doing stuff then you say you don’t like me loving you.
5. You said you hate your parents but you’re still living with them.
6. You say you don’t do to others that you don’t want them to do to you. You called friends bitches; you get angry at your friends. So you’re okay getting angried at and you like being called a bitch? I don’t think so; you’re overly sensitive and shy.
7. When you were talking about a friend’s problem, you said that the guy is waiting for the girl to break up with her boyfriend, but actually you said that she’s using the guy as backup since she knows he’s waiting for her, when she breaks up with the actual BF, she will win with another guy anyways. Is this how you’re treating me, using me? And you said that you just like talking to me.
8. You said your bf is too shy to talk to you in web cam. And when I said I was shy you said that our relationship isn’t progressing. So wuhh? Your relationship with your bf isn’t growing, what kind of relationship is that?
9. You say I don’t listen to you, and I do listen to you. And you’re assuming that I don’t because what I do doesn’t match what you want me to do.
10. You say you’re not shallow and you don’t care about people’s appearance, yet you yourself look stunningly beautiful.
11. You brought up Meteor again.
12. You’re not asking me questions either.
13. You say you’re smart (You say "HUH?!" a lot, JUST READ THE LINE AGAIN OR ASK SOMETHING MORE SPECIFIC.).
14. You say that you want to help me become a better person, yet I’m a better person than you. What gives you the right to judge a person for being "better" than others?
15. You’re living proof of failed friendships.
16. You say we’re friends but whenever you get so angry it’s always me who has to chase after you (it's a hassle, and a lot of work to come up with what I have to say).
17. You say we’re just friends but you’re trying to make this friendship progress.
18. Telling me to talk, but you’re not talking to me.
19. You don’t like being annoyed, yet you’re irritating me so much.
20. You got mad at me for saying that I moved on.
21. You got mad at me for training with Chelle.
22. You complained about Lightnos only training with a Bishop yet you do the same.
23. You complain about complainers, though that’s a contradiction because you’re still complaining and complaining is complaining.
24. You're unappreciative.
25. You're not understanding.
26. You're saying I don't talk to you yet you're the one with my phone number.
27. You blocked me on MSN. And you want me to talk to you on MSN.
28. You say you tell me a problem you're having with me, but you don't. And I have proof that you did say "tbh I was annoyed with you these past weeks" and you said that you told me this before you said that.
I want to say something mean. You and your boyfriend don't talk much not because of the 9 hour difference, but because he's annoyed with you and can't put up with your shit.
I’m a nice guy. But I'm starting to not like you. You’re rude, greedy, irritating, annoying, self-centered, egotistical, hypocritical, dark-hearted, problem causing, not understanding, And YOU think you deserve friends. I was HAPPY the way I am. And I think I learned a lot about life with you. I learned that you suck, and I like all my friends more than you. I always wanted you to keep up with them, so I spent more time with you. Plus there was that thing where I fell for you.
If you're trying to help me, you're not doing your best.
I know one truth though. You REALLY don't know me. After spending time with me for six months, you really don't know me =_=
I spend a lot of time with my family. I know them. And OUR PERSONALITIES CLASH. We're DIFFERENT. YET we are still able to be happy and enjoy life together. Someone has to give in. I bet you think you're better than them. I did that before and it doesn't turn out very nice.
But I'm going to stop here. It's really my fault. I'm not listening. I keep making the same mistakes. I have to make things better. It starts with not loving you.
1. You ran away when you called me a liar. You don’t like it when other people ran away, yet you did.
2. “Doesn’t it make you wonder what my REAL opinion of you is?”
3. You said we can’t be friends because I haven’t moved on, yet after that you said it’s okay to love you.
4. When you said its okay that I love you, and I start doing stuff then you say you don’t like me loving you.
5. You said you hate your parents but you’re still living with them.
6. You say you don’t do to others that you don’t want them to do to you. You called friends bitches; you get angry at your friends. So you’re okay getting angried at and you like being called a bitch? I don’t think so; you’re overly sensitive and shy.
7. When you were talking about a friend’s problem, you said that the guy is waiting for the girl to break up with her boyfriend, but actually you said that she’s using the guy as backup since she knows he’s waiting for her, when she breaks up with the actual BF, she will win with another guy anyways. Is this how you’re treating me, using me? And you said that you just like talking to me.
8. You said your bf is too shy to talk to you in web cam. And when I said I was shy you said that our relationship isn’t progressing. So wuhh? Your relationship with your bf isn’t growing, what kind of relationship is that?
9. You say I don’t listen to you, and I do listen to you. And you’re assuming that I don’t because what I do doesn’t match what you want me to do.
10. You say you’re not shallow and you don’t care about people’s appearance, yet you yourself look stunningly beautiful.
11. You brought up Meteor again.
12. You’re not asking me questions either.
13. You say you’re smart (You say "HUH?!" a lot, JUST READ THE LINE AGAIN OR ASK SOMETHING MORE SPECIFIC.).
14. You say that you want to help me become a better person, yet I’m a better person than you. What gives you the right to judge a person for being "better" than others?
15. You’re living proof of failed friendships.
16. You say we’re friends but whenever you get so angry it’s always me who has to chase after you (it's a hassle, and a lot of work to come up with what I have to say).
17. You say we’re just friends but you’re trying to make this friendship progress.
18. Telling me to talk, but you’re not talking to me.
19. You don’t like being annoyed, yet you’re irritating me so much.
20. You got mad at me for saying that I moved on.
21. You got mad at me for training with Chelle.
22. You complained about Lightnos only training with a Bishop yet you do the same.
23. You complain about complainers, though that’s a contradiction because you’re still complaining and complaining is complaining.
24. You're unappreciative.
25. You're not understanding.
26. You're saying I don't talk to you yet you're the one with my phone number.
27. You blocked me on MSN. And you want me to talk to you on MSN.
28. You say you tell me a problem you're having with me, but you don't. And I have proof that you did say "tbh I was annoyed with you these past weeks" and you said that you told me this before you said that.
I want to say something mean. You and your boyfriend don't talk much not because of the 9 hour difference, but because he's annoyed with you and can't put up with your shit.
I’m a nice guy. But I'm starting to not like you. You’re rude, greedy, irritating, annoying, self-centered, egotistical, hypocritical, dark-hearted, problem causing, not understanding, And YOU think you deserve friends. I was HAPPY the way I am. And I think I learned a lot about life with you. I learned that you suck, and I like all my friends more than you. I always wanted you to keep up with them, so I spent more time with you. Plus there was that thing where I fell for you.
If you're trying to help me, you're not doing your best.
I know one truth though. You REALLY don't know me. After spending time with me for six months, you really don't know me =_=
I spend a lot of time with my family. I know them. And OUR PERSONALITIES CLASH. We're DIFFERENT. YET we are still able to be happy and enjoy life together. Someone has to give in. I bet you think you're better than them. I did that before and it doesn't turn out very nice.
But I'm going to stop here. It's really my fault. I'm not listening. I keep making the same mistakes. I have to make things better. It starts with not loving you.
what I was before.
I think I was a better person before. The more I think of it, the more I believe in it. I guess I am a hypocrite, but its not what I say that matters, its always what I actually DO that matters. And I think I do good. I don't hurt anyone (I hope!) and I don't feel bad afterwords. So I guess being a hypocrite is okay. I manage to fix problems.
Loving her has changed my attitude. She made me really weak. One mistake, one time making her angry, and she'd kill me. So I was always very careful. I knew what she really did not like, and I did my best to avoid it. But it backfired. Just one negative thought spawning from my brain, made me have to release it and tell her. I know we're not perfect, and I know she's not expecting perfection, so I had to give my bad side away so easily. Actually, maybe I am perfect, but I do make mistakes, though I think perfection is still being able to mend those mistakes. Anyways, saying bad stuff made me look all bad. I should learn to just calm down.
I can truly say that I loved her. She was my type. 100% my type. But I have to let her go. If I said I was truly her friend, I wouldn't mind her rejecting me. I would just talk to her. If I loved her so much, I would have visited her already.
She liked who I was before. It's a fact, she treated me much better back then. When I didn't share my thoughts. She'll never believe me now... but I'll keep talking to her. We're friends, right? There are so much things I wanted to know, and I want to know where exactly I made my mistakes, and I did assume the worse.
I want to know the truth, and it starts with asking her.
"How long have you been with your boyfriend? How did you meet? How does he treat you? I don't want to assume anything anymore."
After that, I'll be happy. I really hope we can become really good friends. I'll never confess to her. I'll tell her about the girls I see. I'll tell her that I'm dating blah blah blah. I'll tell her everything about me. I know I'm a good person already, she doesn't need to make me better. I know what to do, and I just didn't because loving her screwed me up. All along, I know that I'm honest and genuine... except that I kept assuming and I didn't talk.
I just know that I'm a better person than her. From a sky view, she only has a few friends, and a true friend she needs to have to survive. I'd feel uncomfortable if I had a really close friend. She hates her family, I love my family. She's not really doing anything, she's just sitting. I'm going to school. She helps people who she wants to help. I help anyone who asks. She gets really angry. I think people who get angry are pathetic. She gets annoyed easily. I don't mind being annoyed. She's influencing my thinking. Not anymore, I don't think I want to like her that way.
All I want to do though, is to go back to the way things once were. I know we'll part, but I want her memory of me to be like what I was before, before I loved her.
Loving her has changed my attitude. She made me really weak. One mistake, one time making her angry, and she'd kill me. So I was always very careful. I knew what she really did not like, and I did my best to avoid it. But it backfired. Just one negative thought spawning from my brain, made me have to release it and tell her. I know we're not perfect, and I know she's not expecting perfection, so I had to give my bad side away so easily. Actually, maybe I am perfect, but I do make mistakes, though I think perfection is still being able to mend those mistakes. Anyways, saying bad stuff made me look all bad. I should learn to just calm down.
I can truly say that I loved her. She was my type. 100% my type. But I have to let her go. If I said I was truly her friend, I wouldn't mind her rejecting me. I would just talk to her. If I loved her so much, I would have visited her already.
She liked who I was before. It's a fact, she treated me much better back then. When I didn't share my thoughts. She'll never believe me now... but I'll keep talking to her. We're friends, right? There are so much things I wanted to know, and I want to know where exactly I made my mistakes, and I did assume the worse.
I want to know the truth, and it starts with asking her.
"How long have you been with your boyfriend? How did you meet? How does he treat you? I don't want to assume anything anymore."
After that, I'll be happy. I really hope we can become really good friends. I'll never confess to her. I'll tell her about the girls I see. I'll tell her that I'm dating blah blah blah. I'll tell her everything about me. I know I'm a good person already, she doesn't need to make me better. I know what to do, and I just didn't because loving her screwed me up. All along, I know that I'm honest and genuine... except that I kept assuming and I didn't talk.
I just know that I'm a better person than her. From a sky view, she only has a few friends, and a true friend she needs to have to survive. I'd feel uncomfortable if I had a really close friend. She hates her family, I love my family. She's not really doing anything, she's just sitting. I'm going to school. She helps people who she wants to help. I help anyone who asks. She gets really angry. I think people who get angry are pathetic. She gets annoyed easily. I don't mind being annoyed. She's influencing my thinking. Not anymore, I don't think I want to like her that way.
All I want to do though, is to go back to the way things once were. I know we'll part, but I want her memory of me to be like what I was before, before I loved her.
Friday, January 22, 2010
so long.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm a total mess.
I like her because of her values and virtues, though I don't know all of it. What she says, her wants, are like mine. I value trust, I don't like hypocrites, and I want people to talk to me. However, she's missing the understanding, or I'm just paranoid.
I'm glad to know that there are other people like me, though probably I am actually not like her at all. I would really like to meet her in real life, however, I'm confident that things will be different. I may not like her, and she may not like me. Therefore, no more online relationships for me unless I meet someone who lives really close by.
In the back of my mind, I listen to everyone. Long distance relationships don't work. It's unpractical to do what I do. At the same time, I'm trying to be practical, but I still have doubts. I should just ask to clear the doubts up, but first I have to trust. People are complicated and everyone else is.
Its not screwing my mind that much. It has helped me think of what I really want. I ONLY care about myself, and that's the truth. I like to settle things off, and end things nicely with what I want them to know and learn. And therefore, I ONLY care about MYSELF. I wish this weren't true, but it is. I shouldn't be desperate, its unattractive and only brings the world down.
I feel like I can't trust her anymore anyways. She's only being my friend for the sake of her not losing any more friends. I'll ask her that. For the past few days or weeks, she hasn't said anything appreciative, or even a simple thank you. I'll ask.
I have another thought. Maybe I'm a hypocrite because I'm pushing my thoughts into thinking what SHE would like. And the thoughts I have previously before conflicts with it, causing me to say one thing, and saying another thing totally contradicting it. My previous thought, and the thought that SHE would like. The only cure: not love her. Be myself by having my own previous thoughts. And then there's another thought. I'm saying things to not make her angry. To make her feel good. And saying something contradicting affects it. I hope she tells me when I'm being hypocritical though. But do I really care about it? I feel okay afterward unless it makes US awkward. And usually it does, so therefore I care about it. Basically, I think all along I've just been trying to impress her.
I don't know what I'll be so I shouldn't predict? Wise words of uncle Rich:
"We all have a choice, but we cannot choose the consequences of our choice.....so choose wisely"
Lets make it really basic, in the big picture, without any whys:
-I want people to like me
-I want to be BETTER than the guys I don't like
-I want to get married to her
And WITH whys, I start doubting myself.
Oh shit fuck this shit, I'm vacuuming the house.
And dammit I should finish my thoughts but It'll take forever. Fuck fuck fuck, no wonder I fail. But that's assuming that's the reason. Shit, she's making me do shit that I shouldn't even think of.
I like her because of her values and virtues, though I don't know all of it. What she says, her wants, are like mine. I value trust, I don't like hypocrites, and I want people to talk to me. However, she's missing the understanding, or I'm just paranoid.
I'm glad to know that there are other people like me, though probably I am actually not like her at all. I would really like to meet her in real life, however, I'm confident that things will be different. I may not like her, and she may not like me. Therefore, no more online relationships for me unless I meet someone who lives really close by.
In the back of my mind, I listen to everyone. Long distance relationships don't work. It's unpractical to do what I do. At the same time, I'm trying to be practical, but I still have doubts. I should just ask to clear the doubts up, but first I have to trust. People are complicated and everyone else is.
Its not screwing my mind that much. It has helped me think of what I really want. I ONLY care about myself, and that's the truth. I like to settle things off, and end things nicely with what I want them to know and learn. And therefore, I ONLY care about MYSELF. I wish this weren't true, but it is. I shouldn't be desperate, its unattractive and only brings the world down.
I feel like I can't trust her anymore anyways. She's only being my friend for the sake of her not losing any more friends. I'll ask her that. For the past few days or weeks, she hasn't said anything appreciative, or even a simple thank you. I'll ask.
I have another thought. Maybe I'm a hypocrite because I'm pushing my thoughts into thinking what SHE would like. And the thoughts I have previously before conflicts with it, causing me to say one thing, and saying another thing totally contradicting it. My previous thought, and the thought that SHE would like. The only cure: not love her. Be myself by having my own previous thoughts. And then there's another thought. I'm saying things to not make her angry. To make her feel good. And saying something contradicting affects it. I hope she tells me when I'm being hypocritical though. But do I really care about it? I feel okay afterward unless it makes US awkward. And usually it does, so therefore I care about it. Basically, I think all along I've just been trying to impress her.
I don't know what I'll be so I shouldn't predict? Wise words of uncle Rich:
"We all have a choice, but we cannot choose the consequences of our choice.....so choose wisely"
Lets make it really basic, in the big picture, without any whys:
-I want people to like me
-I want to be BETTER than the guys I don't like
-I want to get married to her
And WITH whys, I start doubting myself.
Oh shit fuck this shit, I'm vacuuming the house.
And dammit I should finish my thoughts but It'll take forever. Fuck fuck fuck, no wonder I fail. But that's assuming that's the reason. Shit, she's making me do shit that I shouldn't even think of.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
wow seriously?!?!
So here I am, being and thinking so happily, that I'm LISTENING to her, that I'm TELLING HER THE TRUTH, and that I'm doing my best, doing what she tells me to do, TALKING to her. But APPARENTLY, I'm NOT. What. The. Fuck. Seriously. WHAT THE HELL?!??!
What the hell, we just became friends again and she's criticizing me for every little thing that I did. She gets mad at every little thing that I did. And she's still mad about it and gets mad at me later on for it. What the hell, she's making me feel REALLY bad, and now I'm REALLY irritated and annoyed. I don't like her, and I don't like where this is heading.
She's flat out lying, and she doesn't know it yet she's telling me all these little things that I don't remember, and if I did remember it, she's remembering it wrong. There wasn't one time when she said that I was annoying her. She says I'm not listening, but I DO. Maybe it's just the way I am that she's annoyed about, and I shouldn't assume, but I'm doing that anyways because THAT'S WHO I AM. I'm shy. I get paranoid. Of course shy people would think like that, and I'm not doing it to irritate her, it's just my way of thinking, and its just my response, so I hope she lets it go. I can't help but think like that.
But I guess I have to work on it.
And then I think again.. for what? It's for her. She's my friend. But all she does is annoy me, ESPECIALLY right now, and it's getting on my nerves. I want to keep what I said about how I like her and how I want to continue being friends but is it that important? At this moment, I hope she just says "I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN." And then I'll get it, and I can finally let go and go away for good. Seriously, I hate how she's talking about it, and it's making me even MORE UNCOMFORTABLE that she's talking about me to her friend.
Ugh. I am so annoyed.
Falling for her, and committing myself to her are some of the worst mistakes I made in life. At this moment.
So what should I do? Stop talking to her. Talk to my friends that make me feel better. Talk to my friends that respect me. But that will not make me a better person. I have to resolve the issues with her. AND after that, I can leave her.
What the hell, we just became friends again and she's criticizing me for every little thing that I did. She gets mad at every little thing that I did. And she's still mad about it and gets mad at me later on for it. What the hell, she's making me feel REALLY bad, and now I'm REALLY irritated and annoyed. I don't like her, and I don't like where this is heading.
She's flat out lying, and she doesn't know it yet she's telling me all these little things that I don't remember, and if I did remember it, she's remembering it wrong. There wasn't one time when she said that I was annoying her. She says I'm not listening, but I DO. Maybe it's just the way I am that she's annoyed about, and I shouldn't assume, but I'm doing that anyways because THAT'S WHO I AM. I'm shy. I get paranoid. Of course shy people would think like that, and I'm not doing it to irritate her, it's just my way of thinking, and its just my response, so I hope she lets it go. I can't help but think like that.
But I guess I have to work on it.
And then I think again.. for what? It's for her. She's my friend. But all she does is annoy me, ESPECIALLY right now, and it's getting on my nerves. I want to keep what I said about how I like her and how I want to continue being friends but is it that important? At this moment, I hope she just says "I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN." And then I'll get it, and I can finally let go and go away for good. Seriously, I hate how she's talking about it, and it's making me even MORE UNCOMFORTABLE that she's talking about me to her friend.
Ugh. I am so annoyed.
Falling for her, and committing myself to her are some of the worst mistakes I made in life. At this moment.
So what should I do? Stop talking to her. Talk to my friends that make me feel better. Talk to my friends that respect me. But that will not make me a better person. I have to resolve the issues with her. AND after that, I can leave her.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
omgggggggg
I sent it, lost patience, and omg we're friends again. I'M SO HAPPY. BACK TO THE SAME OLD days where I cry coz she doesn't like me back LOL
Move on: It'll be hard, I'll be emo.
Not move on: I love loving her, something to look forward to, growth.
I should tell myself that if I go emo again over this, its all my fault because its my choice.
Move on: It'll be hard, I'll be emo.
Not move on: I love loving her, something to look forward to, growth.
I should tell myself that if I go emo again over this, its all my fault because its my choice.
Monday, January 18, 2010
conclusion.
I decided not to send it.
What would it do? It will either cause her to talk to me or make her more angry at me. But then, she could probably take the constructive criticism and not do it again. I know she's smarter than that though, and it probably has something to do with me. Too bad I'll never find out.
This relationship is over. I have to focus on my studies now, and care about people who actually care about me.
What would it do? It will either cause her to talk to me or make her more angry at me. But then, she could probably take the constructive criticism and not do it again. I know she's smarter than that though, and it probably has something to do with me. Too bad I'll never find out.
This relationship is over. I have to focus on my studies now, and care about people who actually care about me.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
against myself.
Me and my friend hunted Lyka for the horns. We killed three. One horn for her, none for me. If it was her, we would've kept searching until I got one.
Its weird. When I'm in bed, I feel so helpless. I feel so lovesick, and I miss and love her the most when I'm in bed. But when I'm awake, now for instance, the middle of the day or when everyone is up, I feel so powerful. I can't cry that she isn't here with me. When I get reminded of her, I start feeling sentimental, but that's natural. I don't think I should love her anymore. I'm stronger than this. I guess I just miss having fantasies of me and her in the future. Being married, enjoying life. Getting into trouble, solving the trouble. Her saying that I'm better than all the guys she has met... which I'm confidant, that I AM better than most guys (though results don't prove it... so I fail yet again). I know I love her so much, but knowing that she's so far away hurts. Knowing that I can't make her happy hurts.
I read this Xanga post yesterday. Basically, it explained how history led up to how guys get jealous so easily of their woman physically contacting another guy, and how girls get so jealous if their man is connecting with another woman emotionally. I find it so true. She got really mad at me when I hang out with another girl friend instead of her, while she was present at the scene. I got paranoid and jealous for her staying with a boy friend overnight. It also probably explains the reason why guys, or just me, get so worried if the girl isn't a virgin. I don't want any other guy with my woman. For now, I like that reason. I didn't want to feel like a bad person, not being able to commit, and not being able to trust her at the same time. And that gives me something to work with. I have to get over those fears. Talk it out, be with her the most that I can. I can only do that with girls close to me, within the area. Also, it probably explains why long distance relationships don't work as well as short distance.
http://roxics.xanga.com/itemthemed.aspx?user=roxics&uid=720037460
I'm not afraid of commitment anymore. I actually want to commit myself. Everything just started to make sense. I commited myself before I fell in love with her. Naturally, guys can't commit themselves into relationships, but I overcame it. I'm ready. Except, I can't get into the relationship.
If I really love her, I would be smart and live near her. I would talk to my cousin who lives 30 minutes away from her, and live with him. I'll go to school nearby, maybe CSU Fullerton. Though, I'm still having doubts so I'm not. She herself was a fantasy. I never really met her. But I do believe I knew enough to pick out to which kind of person she would have been like, though I shouldn't do that. Maybe I liked her because I got so closed to her, that it would be a waste of an investment if things just ended. Maybe. I liked her out as a whole though. She was determined to get things done. She got mad so easily (I found that cute, I could make fun of her for that), she talks a lot, she tells me stuff straight out, she's smart in things I'm not smart at, she likes things I like, we have a similar past, I just know I could make her happy if we met.... oh shit, I should stop before I miss her. Okay, I think I'll try talking to her again. I really truly love her!
In conclusion, fuck all this shit. I love her, and it makes me happy.
Its weird. When I'm in bed, I feel so helpless. I feel so lovesick, and I miss and love her the most when I'm in bed. But when I'm awake, now for instance, the middle of the day or when everyone is up, I feel so powerful. I can't cry that she isn't here with me. When I get reminded of her, I start feeling sentimental, but that's natural. I don't think I should love her anymore. I'm stronger than this. I guess I just miss having fantasies of me and her in the future. Being married, enjoying life. Getting into trouble, solving the trouble. Her saying that I'm better than all the guys she has met... which I'm confidant, that I AM better than most guys (though results don't prove it... so I fail yet again). I know I love her so much, but knowing that she's so far away hurts. Knowing that I can't make her happy hurts.
I read this Xanga post yesterday. Basically, it explained how history led up to how guys get jealous so easily of their woman physically contacting another guy, and how girls get so jealous if their man is connecting with another woman emotionally. I find it so true. She got really mad at me when I hang out with another girl friend instead of her, while she was present at the scene. I got paranoid and jealous for her staying with a boy friend overnight. It also probably explains the reason why guys, or just me, get so worried if the girl isn't a virgin. I don't want any other guy with my woman. For now, I like that reason. I didn't want to feel like a bad person, not being able to commit, and not being able to trust her at the same time. And that gives me something to work with. I have to get over those fears. Talk it out, be with her the most that I can. I can only do that with girls close to me, within the area. Also, it probably explains why long distance relationships don't work as well as short distance.
http://roxics.xanga.com/itemthemed.aspx?user=roxics&uid=720037460
I'm not afraid of commitment anymore. I actually want to commit myself. Everything just started to make sense. I commited myself before I fell in love with her. Naturally, guys can't commit themselves into relationships, but I overcame it. I'm ready. Except, I can't get into the relationship.
If I really love her, I would be smart and live near her. I would talk to my cousin who lives 30 minutes away from her, and live with him. I'll go to school nearby, maybe CSU Fullerton. Though, I'm still having doubts so I'm not. She herself was a fantasy. I never really met her. But I do believe I knew enough to pick out to which kind of person she would have been like, though I shouldn't do that. Maybe I liked her because I got so closed to her, that it would be a waste of an investment if things just ended. Maybe. I liked her out as a whole though. She was determined to get things done. She got mad so easily (I found that cute, I could make fun of her for that), she talks a lot, she tells me stuff straight out, she's smart in things I'm not smart at, she likes things I like, we have a similar past, I just know I could make her happy if we met.... oh shit, I should stop before I miss her. Okay, I think I'll try talking to her again. I really truly love her!
In conclusion, fuck all this shit. I love her, and it makes me happy.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
viewing other people.
I think I'm at that age when expressing myself to other people doesn't matter anymore, and that the only ones who I should truly care about, are those who care about me. I'm not looking for intense satisfaction. Just satisfaction, a good time. I'm not looking for friends who I can connect mentally. I'm starting to appreciate everyone, and I can genuinely say "thank you for being here."
I'm not lost, and I think I calmed down much more. I have to thank my love for that. I learned a lot about myself. It was things I knew before, but now its truly engraved in my soul. I can treat everyone with respect, those who I know I like, and those who just annoy me. I know what to do now, study hard, work hard, and complete the task. I look at people who worked hard, and are professionals. They are looked up upon, and I look up upon them, so I want to be like them, and I'll do what I want if its obtainable and within reach. I have to be realistic and practical. I'll be proud if I study. So I'll push myself to study.
I'm not searching for love. Maybe someone will find me, and love me. I know I'm lovable. I'll wait for someone single, and I'll just hang around them and maybe something will happen. Honestly, I talk about sex sometimes to sound cool, and that I don't really care what people do. Like people just do it for fun, its safe, there's no harm, and it feels good, so what's the problem, right? Deep inside, I don't like imagining girls I know doing things to their men. I don't want to know what they did. It just hurts me somehow. I don't feel sick, its just a weird feeling. I'm a virgin, and I like it. I'm saving it for that special someone. Also, I know I'll be good in bed. When I love someone, I'll love her so much. It'll be so passionate, and that's why I'll be good in bed. I'll coach her if she's willing to listen, and if not, I won't force her, but I'll really love her.
I'm truly satisfied with who I am. I like it when others like me. Today, my friend in MapleStory asked me to marry her. She said she turned down 10 guys. She's the quiet type, with an IRL boyfriend. I felt special. I didn't want to pay $20 though. And if I marry her, I probably wouldn't play much because of school. She's already a professional something. I treat her with a lot of respect, and I don't ask her any personal questions. We're just together, playing together, working and leveling together; and I like it. She's an inspiration, I want to be like her.
[gallery link="file"]
I'm not lost, and I think I calmed down much more. I have to thank my love for that. I learned a lot about myself. It was things I knew before, but now its truly engraved in my soul. I can treat everyone with respect, those who I know I like, and those who just annoy me. I know what to do now, study hard, work hard, and complete the task. I look at people who worked hard, and are professionals. They are looked up upon, and I look up upon them, so I want to be like them, and I'll do what I want if its obtainable and within reach. I have to be realistic and practical. I'll be proud if I study. So I'll push myself to study.
I'm not searching for love. Maybe someone will find me, and love me. I know I'm lovable. I'll wait for someone single, and I'll just hang around them and maybe something will happen. Honestly, I talk about sex sometimes to sound cool, and that I don't really care what people do. Like people just do it for fun, its safe, there's no harm, and it feels good, so what's the problem, right? Deep inside, I don't like imagining girls I know doing things to their men. I don't want to know what they did. It just hurts me somehow. I don't feel sick, its just a weird feeling. I'm a virgin, and I like it. I'm saving it for that special someone. Also, I know I'll be good in bed. When I love someone, I'll love her so much. It'll be so passionate, and that's why I'll be good in bed. I'll coach her if she's willing to listen, and if not, I won't force her, but I'll really love her.
I'm truly satisfied with who I am. I like it when others like me. Today, my friend in MapleStory asked me to marry her. She said she turned down 10 guys. She's the quiet type, with an IRL boyfriend. I felt special. I didn't want to pay $20 though. And if I marry her, I probably wouldn't play much because of school. She's already a professional something. I treat her with a lot of respect, and I don't ask her any personal questions. We're just together, playing together, working and leveling together; and I like it. She's an inspiration, I want to be like her.
[gallery link="file"]
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
random comments to her.
Everyone has a story, which builds up, creating sentiment and sympathy. If we are human, we automatically love everyone's inside. Outside is all about preference. Who you want to be viewed as. Therefore, outer appearance exceeds value than inside. It's what you do to other people that makes your life valuable. Outer appearance also includes what is projected towards others. Everyone is the same. Take action. Appear looking good, appear doing good, so you are good. No one can see your thoughts and feel what you feel, unless you write them down really well in a blog. So you're fat. Your grandma says your fat, and you don't like it. Well do something about it, just lose enough weight so your grandma can say you're not fat anymore.
You talk about your friends, and how you're trying to reconnect with them. That's great, your talking to them. But for what? So that you won't be bored, so you'll have a good time, for pride, for the sake of friendship? What will it do in the future? Sure, you're going to have a good time. You can ask for help in the future. But what I really think is that you should connect with your family. Friends are temporary. You can ask any grownup that. Most friends are temporary. Look at you, you've already been distanced. You'll be distanced again unless you do something else. I think you're really bored. Get up and think. Do something right. Its just stupid to talk to old friends like that. You call some of them bitches. What did they do? What did you do? I bet its just a tragic misunderstanding. Walk safely away, that hate will consume you. Fix your problems. Talk it out.
Love your guardians. Never say you hate them. Fighting my way through my sympathy, I want to say to you, based on what you said, that I think its pathetic to hate them. Just look at you, they take care of you, they're providing a shelter. If you want to get out, get your own house, work hard, don't sit on your ass all day, and then end up complaining on your blog. If you knew your mom, you would know what she'd expect from you, so get to know her. Relationships take work. Try to understand her, understand that she's going through a lot too. She can be stupid, but just respect that. Remember that it has to be you that takes care of this war. Your mom is over 25, and you're under 25. You're brain isn't locked up yet, so someone has to give in, and the someone who is closest to an opened brain is you. I know you're smart. Know her, and give her a big hug. I was honestly surprised, I thought you were more mature than that.
Without sucking up this time, my comment.
You talk about your friends, and how you're trying to reconnect with them. That's great, your talking to them. But for what? So that you won't be bored, so you'll have a good time, for pride, for the sake of friendship? What will it do in the future? Sure, you're going to have a good time. You can ask for help in the future. But what I really think is that you should connect with your family. Friends are temporary. You can ask any grownup that. Most friends are temporary. Look at you, you've already been distanced. You'll be distanced again unless you do something else. I think you're really bored. Get up and think. Do something right. Its just stupid to talk to old friends like that. You call some of them bitches. What did they do? What did you do? I bet its just a tragic misunderstanding. Walk safely away, that hate will consume you. Fix your problems. Talk it out.
Love your guardians. Never say you hate them. Fighting my way through my sympathy, I want to say to you, based on what you said, that I think its pathetic to hate them. Just look at you, they take care of you, they're providing a shelter. If you want to get out, get your own house, work hard, don't sit on your ass all day, and then end up complaining on your blog. If you knew your mom, you would know what she'd expect from you, so get to know her. Relationships take work. Try to understand her, understand that she's going through a lot too. She can be stupid, but just respect that. Remember that it has to be you that takes care of this war. Your mom is over 25, and you're under 25. You're brain isn't locked up yet, so someone has to give in, and the someone who is closest to an opened brain is you. I know you're smart. Know her, and give her a big hug. I was honestly surprised, I thought you were more mature than that.
Without sucking up this time, my comment.
no matter what.
No matter how real you may be, people will also judge that you have a mind, and you may be thinking different than what you actually do.
I know what I don't want to be.
I don't want to be a complainer. I don't want others to see me complaining, and I don't want to see myself complaining. I'll figure stuff out and do stuff to make it less than worse.
I know what I don't want to be.
I don't want to be a complainer. I don't want others to see me complaining, and I don't want to see myself complaining. I'll figure stuff out and do stuff to make it less than worse.
the bigger picture.
I'm not going to say the word all out, because I'm afraid that I'll sound like it, and that it'll lose its meaning. What she did, and what she told me. Her thoughts do not matter at this point, because it's impossible to 100 percent assume what she thinks.
My fantasies are over. It won't be a reality. Life goes on with or without her, and we all have to live our lives the best way we can. Or I should, at least. True unrequited love hurts, but that hurt will heal, and it is. Within one week, I completely let go of our feelings. I'm back to my normal self, hunting for love.
I should prioritize what's important to me. My family comes first. If I'm a truly great person that other people see, I should do what I should do, and what I think they think I'm doing. It's hard, but I can push myself to do it. I don't want to complain, so this is how it should be. I'll do what my family wants first, they'll be with me forever. Our bond is everlasting. Friends come and go, and we lose the feelings for each other, but the memories are still there.
I can't live, loving someone that will get me no where except guiding my soul to an abandoned prison, locked up in a cell with electric bars. Attempting to get out, it shocks it once more as it jolts back to the backwall, resting again, but remaining in the cell.
Friends come and visit. It relieves me, but they don't have the key to open up. The only way to get out, is to call on Onix. Yes, that badass Pokemon that is immune to electricity and strong against steel. ROCK SLIDE bitch. As the boulders from no where crash each bar, knocking each bar into a less-than or greather-than sign. Yup, I can get out.
I can say from my heart, that I could have guided her into a better life. With no one complaining to her. I could be someone real to her, I can tell her everything, and she can tell everything to me. She would learn what true love is. She would have had a happy family. I know I understood her, I was also that loner kid. She would have been happy with me, and I would have been happy with her. It was her choice, however, that she just had to leave. I'm a good person, and I was meant for her. I don't gossip. I don't share secrets. I wouldn't lie. I would do what she says because I know she is good and that she's been through a lot. But it was her choice to leave me.
Anyways, the thing is that, she told me to talk. Yet, she's not willing to talk to me. That's what it is. It seems like I'm the only one trying to mend this relationship. She said that we attach ourselves to people who make us feel better, yet she isn't talking again. She said she wanted to be friends, otherwise she would have blocked me. Perhaps I'm coming to conclusions too soon, because it has only been almost a week. I'm confident that we'll meet again, knowing her, her heart can't take it either. And if we don't meet, my feelings will be gone, and I would have completely moved away from her.
<3
I don't want to love anyone anymore, unless I know they like me. I don't want to be seen as someone who is trying too hard. But I also don't want to be seen as someone who doesn't care. But again, why should I care? I don't need love, I'm happy this way. If I find a missing piece, I'll go for it, and maybe I'll just learn from it, and build that piece myself.
What inspired this entry? Agent Spanky on Xanga. I want to write as well as her, but funny as Avenue To The Real.
And I'm not even close, lmao.
My fantasies are over. It won't be a reality. Life goes on with or without her, and we all have to live our lives the best way we can. Or I should, at least. True unrequited love hurts, but that hurt will heal, and it is. Within one week, I completely let go of our feelings. I'm back to my normal self, hunting for love.
I should prioritize what's important to me. My family comes first. If I'm a truly great person that other people see, I should do what I should do, and what I think they think I'm doing. It's hard, but I can push myself to do it. I don't want to complain, so this is how it should be. I'll do what my family wants first, they'll be with me forever. Our bond is everlasting. Friends come and go, and we lose the feelings for each other, but the memories are still there.
I can't live, loving someone that will get me no where except guiding my soul to an abandoned prison, locked up in a cell with electric bars. Attempting to get out, it shocks it once more as it jolts back to the backwall, resting again, but remaining in the cell.
Friends come and visit. It relieves me, but they don't have the key to open up. The only way to get out, is to call on Onix. Yes, that badass Pokemon that is immune to electricity and strong against steel. ROCK SLIDE bitch. As the boulders from no where crash each bar, knocking each bar into a less-than or greather-than sign. Yup, I can get out.
I can say from my heart, that I could have guided her into a better life. With no one complaining to her. I could be someone real to her, I can tell her everything, and she can tell everything to me. She would learn what true love is. She would have had a happy family. I know I understood her, I was also that loner kid. She would have been happy with me, and I would have been happy with her. It was her choice, however, that she just had to leave. I'm a good person, and I was meant for her. I don't gossip. I don't share secrets. I wouldn't lie. I would do what she says because I know she is good and that she's been through a lot. But it was her choice to leave me.
Anyways, the thing is that, she told me to talk. Yet, she's not willing to talk to me. That's what it is. It seems like I'm the only one trying to mend this relationship. She said that we attach ourselves to people who make us feel better, yet she isn't talking again. She said she wanted to be friends, otherwise she would have blocked me. Perhaps I'm coming to conclusions too soon, because it has only been almost a week. I'm confident that we'll meet again, knowing her, her heart can't take it either. And if we don't meet, my feelings will be gone, and I would have completely moved away from her.
<3
I don't want to love anyone anymore, unless I know they like me. I don't want to be seen as someone who is trying too hard. But I also don't want to be seen as someone who doesn't care. But again, why should I care? I don't need love, I'm happy this way. If I find a missing piece, I'll go for it, and maybe I'll just learn from it, and build that piece myself.
What inspired this entry? Agent Spanky on Xanga. I want to write as well as her, but funny as Avenue To The Real.
And I'm not even close, lmao.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
I'll let her go.
I don't know if she's mad.
I don't know how she felt about me.
I don't know if she's annoyed.
And I'll never know, because I'm letting her go.
She told me to talk, but how can I, if her actions can't let me in.
Goodbye. I feel much better now after a couple of days.
I don't know how she felt about me.
I don't know if she's annoyed.
And I'll never know, because I'm letting her go.
She told me to talk, but how can I, if her actions can't let me in.
Goodbye. I feel much better now after a couple of days.
reminded.
I smiled, and felt happy today because of this one moment. Too bad happy moments remind me of her, it reminds me of how I felt when I was with her. I shouldn't do anything happy.
Determined for work.
Determined to make you smile.
I've been enforcing my negative qualities. Maybe that's why she doesn't like me.
Determined for work.
Determined to make you smile.
I've been enforcing my negative qualities. Maybe that's why she doesn't like me.
family.
I'm finding happiness spending time with family more.
Just watched Always. Its now one of my favorite movies.
Last night, I had a dream that we had a baby. I was so happy lol
Just watched Always. Its now one of my favorite movies.
Last night, I had a dream that we had a baby. I was so happy lol
my letter.
It's no good. It's not caputuring what I feel. I want her to be within reach... why did she do this?
So cruel. That's the worse thing you can ever do to a friend... cut ties.
You left me to cry alone.
So cruel. That's the worse thing you can ever do to a friend... cut ties.
You left me to cry alone.
love.
I won't love her that way.
I want to love her as a friend.
I'll force myself to love her as a friend.
It takes work.
She has to be awake now.
I want to love her as a friend.
I'll force myself to love her as a friend.
It takes work.
She has to be awake now.
Monday, January 11, 2010
this
this modern love RUINS LIVES.
I'll give her space.
I'll give myself space.
And maybe we'll just get over it.
Damn, I threw my committment along with my heart.
At least both are not alone.
I'll give her space.
I'll give myself space.
And maybe we'll just get over it.
Damn, I threw my committment along with my heart.
At least both are not alone.
I should
be more open-minded so I can be more interesting in other girls. But what is the purpose? I feel good about myself as a whole. I don't think a part of me is missing. Because the part of me separated from me and I miss her.
...
I had a lot of thoughts while in the shower but I lost them all. Maybe it was in the little dots of water, and the towel wiped them away.
Shit.
I need to wait a bit more anyways, before I write the email.
I opened my eyes, and what the fuck is this goodbye shit.
My definition of friendship is different. Support for each other forever. You don't cut ties in my book. If you genuinely cared, you would reunite. If I am a bother, you tell me. If you need space, you tell me. If my words hurt, you should know that I didn't mean it. Fuck, I'll start my letter here.
Obviously she doesn't care, so it has to be me, because I'm the one who cares.
-
I'm sorry for being such an assumer, but being an assumer like that has inspired thoughts, and now I'm believing in these thoughts to who you might really be. These are my thoughts of you as of now. As an assumer. Since I can't reach you any where else.
You must be pretty proud of yourself, having the ability to cut ties with people you used to care about so fast.
You taught me to talk. If you don't like my character, just say it. I know you don't talk to bitches, but I still think you need to tell us straight out. I think you know me more than you think, and you should know that I'll never hate you. I'm assuming again, that you don't, and you probably don't, so just tell me, like what I tell you.
You taught me that we attach ourselves to people who make us feel good about ourselves. What have I've done to you to make you feel bad? I'm thinking that its because I put you through so much shit. I promise it wasn't intentional. Though, shouldn't you feel good that you helped someone so much in character development? Or do you think you developed me into a person you don't like? You probably did inspire it, but I'm also taking part in it. Please don't feel guilty.
You taught me trust. And to try to not lie. I exposed my vulnerability, and it took a lot of courage, and it hurt me so much, and that's what I did. I did not expect the response that you would really say goodbye. I did this because you asked what shit I was going through, and I felt that I can open up to you more, and not be afraid of talking to you after I said it. (Though now after I said it I'm even more afraid to talk to you). I didn't say everything because I couldn't think of everything and all what I've felt. I think of words as only carriers of feelings and not the feelings itself. Maybe the transcription went wrong, because a single random thought destined to invoke a negative aura fished out in a sea of relatively positive thoughts became a word so fast.
You taught me that relationships take work, and this is the heartfelt work that I'm doing to repair a friendship. Friends should at least be within reach of each other.
I probably don't love you. But I don't want to leave any unfinished shit between us before we part. And what is this goodbye shit, that doesn't happen, there are always a few scars in goodbye, if there is a goodbye, there will always be a hello. Honestly, before that time, I didn't think you would really accept the goodbye. If it was real life, I would've grabbed your hand and kissed you, nooo don't go! *shakes head back to reality* Damn imagination.
I'm not this desperate and clingy, I just don't like unfinished shit. I just feel that its unfinished. Sorry for feeling that way. But I'm talking to you about it right now, like you asked me.
You are probably going through shit right now, I want to help you, please don't ignore me, sorry for trying to be a genuine friend.
Please open up your blog to me again, I promise not to hurt you and put you through shit again.
Yours sincerely,
Jason
ps you might get more than 1 email, just in case I think you blocked biospark777@gmail.com
-
I don't like what I'm saying. I have to polish it a bit. If I were her, and I read this, it wouldn't make me happy. I wonder if I should add some comedy in it to tune the seriousness down. But it'll lose its overall affect. But what if she laughs. I don't really know her humor much. Perverted humor, everyone laughs at perverted humor... but what if she thinks I'm just creepy, gah. "I hope you find the gspot in your heart to forgive me." I crack myself up.
Objective, get her within my reach. I need her, I want to care for her.
I'll give it a month or so before I send it.
Shit.
I need to wait a bit more anyways, before I write the email.
I opened my eyes, and what the fuck is this goodbye shit.
My definition of friendship is different. Support for each other forever. You don't cut ties in my book. If you genuinely cared, you would reunite. If I am a bother, you tell me. If you need space, you tell me. If my words hurt, you should know that I didn't mean it. Fuck, I'll start my letter here.
Obviously she doesn't care, so it has to be me, because I'm the one who cares.
-
I'm sorry for being such an assumer, but being an assumer like that has inspired thoughts, and now I'm believing in these thoughts to who you might really be. These are my thoughts of you as of now. As an assumer. Since I can't reach you any where else.
You must be pretty proud of yourself, having the ability to cut ties with people you used to care about so fast.
You taught me to talk. If you don't like my character, just say it. I know you don't talk to bitches, but I still think you need to tell us straight out. I think you know me more than you think, and you should know that I'll never hate you. I'm assuming again, that you don't, and you probably don't, so just tell me, like what I tell you.
You taught me that we attach ourselves to people who make us feel good about ourselves. What have I've done to you to make you feel bad? I'm thinking that its because I put you through so much shit. I promise it wasn't intentional. Though, shouldn't you feel good that you helped someone so much in character development? Or do you think you developed me into a person you don't like? You probably did inspire it, but I'm also taking part in it. Please don't feel guilty.
You taught me trust. And to try to not lie. I exposed my vulnerability, and it took a lot of courage, and it hurt me so much, and that's what I did. I did not expect the response that you would really say goodbye. I did this because you asked what shit I was going through, and I felt that I can open up to you more, and not be afraid of talking to you after I said it. (Though now after I said it I'm even more afraid to talk to you). I didn't say everything because I couldn't think of everything and all what I've felt. I think of words as only carriers of feelings and not the feelings itself. Maybe the transcription went wrong, because a single random thought destined to invoke a negative aura fished out in a sea of relatively positive thoughts became a word so fast.
You taught me that relationships take work, and this is the heartfelt work that I'm doing to repair a friendship. Friends should at least be within reach of each other.
I probably don't love you. But I don't want to leave any unfinished shit between us before we part. And what is this goodbye shit, that doesn't happen, there are always a few scars in goodbye, if there is a goodbye, there will always be a hello. Honestly, before that time, I didn't think you would really accept the goodbye. If it was real life, I would've grabbed your hand and kissed you, nooo don't go! *shakes head back to reality* Damn imagination.
I'm not this desperate and clingy, I just don't like unfinished shit. I just feel that its unfinished. Sorry for feeling that way. But I'm talking to you about it right now, like you asked me.
You are probably going through shit right now, I want to help you, please don't ignore me, sorry for trying to be a genuine friend.
Please open up your blog to me again, I promise not to hurt you and put you through shit again.
Yours sincerely,
Jason
ps you might get more than 1 email, just in case I think you blocked biospark777@gmail.com
-
I don't like what I'm saying. I have to polish it a bit. If I were her, and I read this, it wouldn't make me happy. I wonder if I should add some comedy in it to tune the seriousness down. But it'll lose its overall affect. But what if she laughs. I don't really know her humor much. Perverted humor, everyone laughs at perverted humor... but what if she thinks I'm just creepy, gah. "I hope you find the gspot in your heart to forgive me." I crack myself up.
Objective, get her within my reach. I need her, I want to care for her.
I'll give it a month or so before I send it.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
convincing myself that she's okay.
She's okay. She has a lot of friends. And she has a boyfriend.
So she's okay.
What will I do anyways?
I'll make things worse. I never make her happy.
This is me, being considerate.
But what if I did, I never asked.
But her actions never showed it.
I love her, and she's smart, so she's okay.
Yup.
But she cut ties with me, I have to gain her trust back. After once, it'll be hard.
So she's okay.
What will I do anyways?
I'll make things worse. I never make her happy.
This is me, being considerate.
But what if I did, I never asked.
But her actions never showed it.
I love her, and she's smart, so she's okay.
Yup.
But she cut ties with me, I have to gain her trust back. After once, it'll be hard.
thinking again.
The only reason why I said goodbye, is because I was afraid that she might think I was a jerk, or that I'm just an asshole.
Still wondering what she really thinks of me. I have to ask her though. Dammit.
I love her so much T________T
If she says that I am a jerk, or asshole, I'll ask how can I change that.
Still wondering what she really thinks of me. I have to ask her though. Dammit.
I love her so much T________T
If she says that I am a jerk, or asshole, I'll ask how can I change that.
turn ons and offs.
Girls can't turn me on anymore.
I look at them, and say... "oh."
So if you ask for a list of turn ons, I don't know what to say.
I have to really know the girl. Don't get me wrong, I'm very open, so I'll talk and shit.
But I really look at the girl as a whole first. So much balances make them different. A simple external fault is nothing, and so is a simple external shiny piece of shit. Whatevs. No one is the same as her (well, as her online persona).
TBC. Lunch.
I look at them, and say... "oh."
So if you ask for a list of turn ons, I don't know what to say.
I have to really know the girl. Don't get me wrong, I'm very open, so I'll talk and shit.
But I really look at the girl as a whole first. So much balances make them different. A simple external fault is nothing, and so is a simple external shiny piece of shit. Whatevs. No one is the same as her (well, as her online persona).
TBC. Lunch.
on being shy and quiet.
Thinking about quiet, and shy people, and sex at the same time, I thought of this.
If you keep complaining that you are quiet and shy, to overcome it, think of it as
ejaculation.
It takes work and thought. It won't come out so easily. You have to work, practice, and keep doing it til you get it. Like, until the cum comes out. You imagine, and feel, and the feeling requires the working. I won't describe the working, you have your own imagination.
And when you finally get it out, you have to control it, just like cum, you have to control it so it won't shoot out in an unwanted area (sticky takes time to clean). You don't want to come off loud and obnoxious. (Or cum off loud and obnoxious hahah.) At least, I don't.
If you keep complaining that you are quiet and shy, to overcome it, think of it as
ejaculation.
It takes work and thought. It won't come out so easily. You have to work, practice, and keep doing it til you get it. Like, until the cum comes out. You imagine, and feel, and the feeling requires the working. I won't describe the working, you have your own imagination.
And when you finally get it out, you have to control it, just like cum, you have to control it so it won't shoot out in an unwanted area (sticky takes time to clean). You don't want to come off loud and obnoxious. (Or cum off loud and obnoxious hahah.) At least, I don't.
I'm thinking wrong.
I think I've just been thinking wrong.
It's not going to work out.
I'm in control, and I won't control it well.
She's okay without me. And it's only been two days for me alone, and I'm feeling better. Maybe because I know, and it feels like its not the end.
Would I really like her in person? I think I know her in person. Will she tell me and talk to me things said straight out in person? Or would she be intimidated and sucking up like the other people I meet in person?
I'm doubting my expectations.
If we eventually do get in a relationship, it won't workout.
She's eight hours away from me. And I'm not much of a driver.
I want her to be a friend though... I'll try to do that I guess if I miss her more. I'll give it some time first though. I just can't break contact and shit like that... unless she's just okay with me being away from her. I don't know. Honesty!
I wonder if I hurt her though... well she asked for it! I showed my vulnerable sides, and all my true sides and shit to her, she's not walking away knowing it that easily.
Anyways, I watched a girl orgasm today. It's funny, wtf it's like they hold bags filled with water and drop it. She didn't squirt, she poured it. Different girls have different kinds of orgams. Interesting. Another random sex question/thought. Do girls orgasm at the same time as the guy? After the girl orgasms, won't it hurt? Do they have a refractory period too? Why did Physiology have to skip this shit. Argh, stupid virginity. Just kidding, I like being a virgin. I think it will make me more attractive when I date someone. And I think I would want to save it for marriage. Seriously. I don't think sex is fun if I'd do it with someone I don't love. I'll feel guilty afterwords. Passionate sex for the win, bitch.
And in another thought, I think I should just be open about myself when they ask, or when I feel the feelings too strong. I like to remain mysterious, but I want people to know what I'm thinking and how I feel too. Everyone's mysterious, I think I mean reserved. I like that quality of mine's. I like being reserved.
It's not going to work out.
I'm in control, and I won't control it well.
She's okay without me. And it's only been two days for me alone, and I'm feeling better. Maybe because I know, and it feels like its not the end.
Would I really like her in person? I think I know her in person. Will she tell me and talk to me things said straight out in person? Or would she be intimidated and sucking up like the other people I meet in person?
I'm doubting my expectations.
If we eventually do get in a relationship, it won't workout.
She's eight hours away from me. And I'm not much of a driver.
I want her to be a friend though... I'll try to do that I guess if I miss her more. I'll give it some time first though. I just can't break contact and shit like that... unless she's just okay with me being away from her. I don't know. Honesty!
I wonder if I hurt her though... well she asked for it! I showed my vulnerable sides, and all my true sides and shit to her, she's not walking away knowing it that easily.
Anyways, I watched a girl orgasm today. It's funny, wtf it's like they hold bags filled with water and drop it. She didn't squirt, she poured it. Different girls have different kinds of orgams. Interesting. Another random sex question/thought. Do girls orgasm at the same time as the guy? After the girl orgasms, won't it hurt? Do they have a refractory period too? Why did Physiology have to skip this shit. Argh, stupid virginity. Just kidding, I like being a virgin. I think it will make me more attractive when I date someone. And I think I would want to save it for marriage. Seriously. I don't think sex is fun if I'd do it with someone I don't love. I'll feel guilty afterwords. Passionate sex for the win, bitch.
And in another thought, I think I should just be open about myself when they ask, or when I feel the feelings too strong. I like to remain mysterious, but I want people to know what I'm thinking and how I feel too. Everyone's mysterious, I think I mean reserved. I like that quality of mine's. I like being reserved.
test of love.
I love her so much. I'll write another one of those apology letters and hopefully she'll be my friend again... if I get no response, I'll email her on another email account. I think I really do love her. I love her I love her I love her I love her.
I'm not ready yet though, I have to pour all my feelings into this. This requires careful planning, and my emotions have to be at its peak, syncing with my writing and words to enforce my true love for her. I have to get this right, and I have to understand her right. This letter might be my last... I'll either break down and never love again, love her and hurt more, or both. No stupid impulses this time, I have to sound strong.
The hammer that strikes too fast has no time to aim.
I'm desperate, and I need her, but I can't say that. I have man pride.
And I fucking cried.
I'm not ready yet though, I have to pour all my feelings into this. This requires careful planning, and my emotions have to be at its peak, syncing with my writing and words to enforce my true love for her. I have to get this right, and I have to understand her right. This letter might be my last... I'll either break down and never love again, love her and hurt more, or both. No stupid impulses this time, I have to sound strong.
The hammer that strikes too fast has no time to aim.
I'm desperate, and I need her, but I can't say that. I have man pride.
And I fucking cried.
is it smart...
To leave someone who you love so much?
I miss her so much.
I have no one else that makes me feel so happy.
She doesn't make me happy much, but when she does, I get the greatest feeling in the world. Kajillion times greater than an orgasm. And I'm saying that, and I'm a guy.
I said I was leaving her, she seemed okay. I can't see her face, but she cut communications with me. She didn't beg for the friendship back... or is that what older people do? Is she showing off that she can just cut the tie so fast? She must be pretty proud of herself.
If all what is said about reality, that I will move on... then I guess its smart. Haha, I just answered my own question. Well, I'll see if I can move on in the next couple of years in my life.
No more love.
I miss her so much.
I have no one else that makes me feel so happy.
She doesn't make me happy much, but when she does, I get the greatest feeling in the world. Kajillion times greater than an orgasm. And I'm saying that, and I'm a guy.
I said I was leaving her, she seemed okay. I can't see her face, but she cut communications with me. She didn't beg for the friendship back... or is that what older people do? Is she showing off that she can just cut the tie so fast? She must be pretty proud of herself.
If all what is said about reality, that I will move on... then I guess its smart. Haha, I just answered my own question. Well, I'll see if I can move on in the next couple of years in my life.
No more love.
I'm not crying.
Two times I fell, other two times I was just stupid.
This is the second, and maybe the last. I'll bury my heart deep down in the tides of fate, and only those really willing to venture down to embrace it will win it. It'll be so deep.
She wanted me to talk, and she actually severed ties right after I talked.
"Thanks for being my friend. Good luck in the future."
She's not mad at me. But she did leave, and she cut communications. I don't know what to call it. I know she didn't love me the way I love her. If she confessed back to me, I don't know if I should accept it anymore because of my stupid pride. Is my pride that important? It's not, so I should just accept it, because I still love her.
I don't know why I'm not crying. Maybe its because we've been apart for awhile, and now that we finally talked after so long, she did something about our relationship. At least she did something, and not nothing. Maybe doing nothing would've been better. She'd still be on my Windows Live list, and I can stare at her name. We've been through so much together, and I gave her so much.
Disadvantages for this relationship: It might not end well, I'll waste months while I can be studying or catching up on anime or dramas or video games or whatever, I'll keep getting hurt, I'll lose faith on love, it'll be a long distance relationship, when I fall for someone I fall really hard and it hurts.
Advantages: Pushing myself to become a better person, I'll be so happy if we're together.
Her: I fucking trust her to death, I love her to death, she doesn't love me.
What if she really did like me back, but just didn't say it?
What does she really feel for me?
What do I mean to her?
She said she only thinks of me as a friend. Is that all? It doesn't feel like it. Women are so complicated.
She's not so angry at me. She never called me a creep. She never called me a jerk. She just got mad at random things that randomly make her mad, like stupid people, or just annoying people. She said she's okay with me loving her, but its torture for me. She said I've put her through shit, I wonder how? She said to be the perfect friend. She said that unfortunately we can't control who we love.
Can't control who we love... hmm.
I'm fucking clueless.
I really don't know what to do. I'm just sitting down here, waiting and shit.
But even after all this, I feel that I've become much stronger. I look at my past entries, and dayum, what the hell happened. I'm so glad it was her I fell for, and nobody else.
1: Taught me to rethink of my feelings before I do destructing shit. (requited)
2: Taught me to not be angry, and think. (unrequited)
3. Taught me to wait, and that I can love people really quick and easily, and to not be jealous. (unrequited)
4. Taught me to talk, courage, and be honest. (unrequited) - And there was just so much more. Who ever thought, that I'd love someone fat? I did things I never thought I'd do. I gave away so much. I risked so much, including my pride, I showed my vulnerable sides, I cried every night, I thought of her possibly each minute, fate even pointed me at her direction. She was just so perfect, and it felt like we were meant to be together. We just couldn't connect. I'm not comfortable when I talk to her. I found out so much about myself, how I do shit on impulse so often, and it ended in impulse.
"So is this goodbye?" Yup.
What the fuck did I just say? YUP?!?! Holy fucking shit, I'm fucking unbelievable.
I always went for the complicated girls. But they are strong nevertheless. Do relationships end like this too? I feel so much love for her in every atom on my body. And its ending like this? Do I have to move on? It's really over? There's just so much things that can just happen in this world, because miracles happen. But there's also reality... but also there are miracles in reality... fuck I need to talk to someone... someone willing to listen to this shit, and me not being degraded in doing so. This fucking sucks. I can't say shit because I have no experience in talking. Fuck fuck fuck.
I'll say that... life isn't about love. Maybe it won't hurt so much.
This is the second, and maybe the last. I'll bury my heart deep down in the tides of fate, and only those really willing to venture down to embrace it will win it. It'll be so deep.
She wanted me to talk, and she actually severed ties right after I talked.
"Thanks for being my friend. Good luck in the future."
She's not mad at me. But she did leave, and she cut communications. I don't know what to call it. I know she didn't love me the way I love her. If she confessed back to me, I don't know if I should accept it anymore because of my stupid pride. Is my pride that important? It's not, so I should just accept it, because I still love her.
I don't know why I'm not crying. Maybe its because we've been apart for awhile, and now that we finally talked after so long, she did something about our relationship. At least she did something, and not nothing. Maybe doing nothing would've been better. She'd still be on my Windows Live list, and I can stare at her name. We've been through so much together, and I gave her so much.
Disadvantages for this relationship: It might not end well, I'll waste months while I can be studying or catching up on anime or dramas or video games or whatever, I'll keep getting hurt, I'll lose faith on love, it'll be a long distance relationship, when I fall for someone I fall really hard and it hurts.
Advantages: Pushing myself to become a better person, I'll be so happy if we're together.
Her: I fucking trust her to death, I love her to death, she doesn't love me.
What if she really did like me back, but just didn't say it?
What does she really feel for me?
What do I mean to her?
She said she only thinks of me as a friend. Is that all? It doesn't feel like it. Women are so complicated.
She's not so angry at me. She never called me a creep. She never called me a jerk. She just got mad at random things that randomly make her mad, like stupid people, or just annoying people. She said she's okay with me loving her, but its torture for me. She said I've put her through shit, I wonder how? She said to be the perfect friend. She said that unfortunately we can't control who we love.
Can't control who we love... hmm.
I'm fucking clueless.
I really don't know what to do. I'm just sitting down here, waiting and shit.
But even after all this, I feel that I've become much stronger. I look at my past entries, and dayum, what the hell happened. I'm so glad it was her I fell for, and nobody else.
1: Taught me to rethink of my feelings before I do destructing shit. (requited)
2: Taught me to not be angry, and think. (unrequited)
3. Taught me to wait, and that I can love people really quick and easily, and to not be jealous. (unrequited)
4. Taught me to talk, courage, and be honest. (unrequited) - And there was just so much more. Who ever thought, that I'd love someone fat? I did things I never thought I'd do. I gave away so much. I risked so much, including my pride, I showed my vulnerable sides, I cried every night, I thought of her possibly each minute, fate even pointed me at her direction. She was just so perfect, and it felt like we were meant to be together. We just couldn't connect. I'm not comfortable when I talk to her. I found out so much about myself, how I do shit on impulse so often, and it ended in impulse.
"So is this goodbye?" Yup.
What the fuck did I just say? YUP?!?! Holy fucking shit, I'm fucking unbelievable.
I always went for the complicated girls. But they are strong nevertheless. Do relationships end like this too? I feel so much love for her in every atom on my body. And its ending like this? Do I have to move on? It's really over? There's just so much things that can just happen in this world, because miracles happen. But there's also reality... but also there are miracles in reality... fuck I need to talk to someone... someone willing to listen to this shit, and me not being degraded in doing so. This fucking sucks. I can't say shit because I have no experience in talking. Fuck fuck fuck.
I'll say that... life isn't about love. Maybe it won't hurt so much.
Monday, January 4, 2010
omgs its 2010, it feels like teh future o_o!
Went to Sacramento for the weekend, to visit my widow auntie.
And OMG BICHON. She's six months old, and she's not potty trained.
Her name is Marshmallow, and she likes water. So when I get my own house, I think I'll get a bishon because I like my dogs clean. If its a girl, I think I want to name her Taylor Swift. If it's a boy, Tyler Swift. Or Wabby.
She has really long nails. But I held her anyways.
lmao hella not photogenic. Marshmallow be tired after 50 pictures, so whatevs.
She probably smelled the Jumbo Jack I just ate.
Auntie has a Chow Mix too. His name is Maluka, and he has bad breath. He's so loyal, and bored looking. He doesn't like water, so he doesn't take a bath.
Dianne came later with her dog, Lucky.
He has an old man face, and he keeps doing this: :(... it's like a permanent frown, it's funny. But I like holding him. KEKEKEKEKE.
My mom doesn't like dogs. She says sees them as insects. And she kills any insect she sees.
And then we spent most of the time watching the Filipino channel. And while browsing through I caught a glimpse of Ya-Kyim's Happy Face music video. I thought that was pretty cool. Squeeze Inn was closed, so I couldn't eat "the best tasting burger."
Then we went to the cemetery.
If you can't really see that tombstone, it says Lagman. It's like the future of my computer lulz.
After that, Folsom outlet, and then Red Hawk casino.
Slept at auntie's house, danced with the TV coz there's always dancing in those Filipino shows, played with the doggies, blah blah blah.
I like this thing that they posted in their wall. If you can't see it, it says "Happy Home Recipe. 4 cups of love, 2 cups of loyalty, 3 cups of forgiveness, 1 cup of friendship, 5 spoons of hope, 2 spoons of tenderness, 4 quarts of faith, 1 Barrel of Laughter. Take love and loyalty, mix it thoroughly with faith. Blend it with tenderness, kindness, and understanding. Add friendship and hope, sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Bake it with Sunshine, serve daily with generous helpings."
And OMG BICHON. She's six months old, and she's not potty trained.
Her name is Marshmallow, and she likes water. So when I get my own house, I think I'll get a bishon because I like my dogs clean. If its a girl, I think I want to name her Taylor Swift. If it's a boy, Tyler Swift. Or Wabby.
She has really long nails. But I held her anyways.
lmao hella not photogenic. Marshmallow be tired after 50 pictures, so whatevs.
She probably smelled the Jumbo Jack I just ate.
Auntie has a Chow Mix too. His name is Maluka, and he has bad breath. He's so loyal, and bored looking. He doesn't like water, so he doesn't take a bath.
Dianne came later with her dog, Lucky.
He has an old man face, and he keeps doing this: :(... it's like a permanent frown, it's funny. But I like holding him. KEKEKEKEKE.
My mom doesn't like dogs. She says sees them as insects. And she kills any insect she sees.
And then we spent most of the time watching the Filipino channel. And while browsing through I caught a glimpse of Ya-Kyim's Happy Face music video. I thought that was pretty cool. Squeeze Inn was closed, so I couldn't eat "the best tasting burger."
Then we went to the cemetery.
If you can't really see that tombstone, it says Lagman. It's like the future of my computer lulz.
After that, Folsom outlet, and then Red Hawk casino.
Slept at auntie's house, danced with the TV coz there's always dancing in those Filipino shows, played with the doggies, blah blah blah.
I like this thing that they posted in their wall. If you can't see it, it says "Happy Home Recipe. 4 cups of love, 2 cups of loyalty, 3 cups of forgiveness, 1 cup of friendship, 5 spoons of hope, 2 spoons of tenderness, 4 quarts of faith, 1 Barrel of Laughter. Take love and loyalty, mix it thoroughly with faith. Blend it with tenderness, kindness, and understanding. Add friendship and hope, sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Bake it with Sunshine, serve daily with generous helpings."
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