Birds and Buses

I haven't been writing much, even though I tell myself to write everyday. Yesterday was a traumatizing event for me.  It might even be more traumatizing as I call it traumatizing, but I just can't get that feeling of nausea and disgust out of my head.  I can't get that image of what happened in my head.

It was a peaceful day.  Hopefully peaceful days like this won't be traumatizing as it is associated with this traumatizing event.  Sunny weather, no clouds, birds chirping.  I was waiting for the shuttle after getting off of the train.  Listening to David Banner's "Play" at the same time, so I was feeling a bit horny.  With the feeling of horny, and watching these three pigeons, it felt like it will be a good day.  But it was not, I had finals that I did not study for the night before since I fell asleep.

So here I was, feeling a bit horny, and watching pigeons.  Just three weeks ago I saw two pigeons making love at the top of the station, and thought I'd blog about that, three weeks ago, but I guess it slipped out of my mind, and it wouldn't be much of an interesting, as the title would be, "Pigeon Fuck", or something along the lines of that.  But no, this won't be pigeons making love.

There were three pigeons.  Three stupid dumb ass pigeons.  Did they fly away? No.  The bus came.  Usually you'd think they'd fly away.  But no, they were stupid.  Stupid pigeons, and the bus came and I can hear the guy behind me, "FUUUUUUUUUCK".  The bus ran over, I don't know, maybe two of them, I think one got away.  Holy fucking shit, it was like a blood sprinkler, I never saw anything real like this in my life.  Sure in movies, documentaries, you see animals killing each other and whatnot, but this was real.

It was so disgusting, and I felt so sick.  I felt like I never want to listen to David Banner.  I felt like I can never get horny again.   I did not want to ride any bus.  I cover my face at the sight of pigeons.  Shit, I'd think that when something runs over something, it just gets ran over, I did not want to see a splash of blood.  It was like a water balloon, filled with water, and then dropping to the ground.  And the water splashes, only but this was a live animal with blood, and that splash was blood. Fucking stupid pigeons, I did not want to see that. It was RIGHT. BEFORE. MY EYES.

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is 
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

-Nelly Fertado

You are not like a fucking bird.  Fuck you. Even if you say you are like one, keep in mind that you have to include physiology of the bird, bird brain. DON'T DIE PLEASE.

Just the day before, I was so motivated to live life after watching Kevin Garnett documentaries and interviews, made me think about myself and how expressing yourself is important, by talking to others, working on what I feel thrills me, and being passionate.  Which I found that I love public speaking.  I wanted to be a teacher, because I liked to talk.  All these years I've been on the edge, like life won't change, I'll grow up, work in a lab all alone and have that same feeling as I did in high school.  No excitement, no friends, I can't joke around to express myself.  Then it hit me, I love showing others surprises.  Not that kind of dirty surprise, but I like being unpredictable as I am, I like having passion for something, and I always feel that relief that I did something good, after a speech.  But no, this post isn't about that, it's about how much it doesn't matter, how life is so fragile, fucking pigeons ruined it.  I just want to stay home right now, with my family all here, covered in my sheets, or vent to my Maple friends.  I should just call them friends though, there shouldn't be any difference between online friends and IRL friends.

Those pigeons are a team, you'd see them practice flying for something, exchanging leaders while they fly so organized in a flock.  I noticed that there weren't any grievances.  The birds just died and that was it.  It was it, dead pigeons, and their friends looked as though they didn't care.  Holy shit, why do humans have to feel this way... I guess I'm just not used to this sort of thing.  Imagine war people, seeing something like this everyday except its humans instead of pigeons.  Holy shit, that traumatic feeling,

I couldn't do much that day, but after a quick lecture thing, I went to cool down that feeling by playing basketball, and it helped.  For a little bit. I'm going back to school in a few hours, maybe with my hands on my face so I don't see any birds. Shits disgusting.

Its Over, its Done, And I'm Over it.

It should have been over a long time ago.  The addiction to the best friends have been on my tail for a long time, and it has to end, especially with people who don't even know who I am.  So it's over, and done, and there shouldn't be another hi coming from me, but from my true self.  This moment was expected to come.  All good things come to an end, unfortunately this one ends with some loose ends.

I found new friends, with a blend of my old previous ones, but I think this should come to an end as well.  How will this one end?  Might be the same as the one I had now, but then again, it might be different.  Should I just live in the moment?

Everything is happening so fast, I can't seem to grasp it all.  What will I do this summer if I don't have any friends?  So many meaningless things I do for the sake of in the moment, but nothing good long term, nothing good long term that will last the full long term, unless I step it up, and put all my effort into it, which I shouldn't because it never ends well for me, and I feel like I'm not "getting" something, I'm not learning from any of my mistakes and that causes all the problems in my world.