Winter Break

I deleted my Tumblr, and created a new account with the same name just so that no one takes my name, but I think I'll start writing on it again...

I guess I was subconsciously trying to impress someone... to change their behavior or to show off in some way, and when that person left I didn't feel the need to have one and I felt no drive to write anymore.  I think I only write when I'm feeling some intense emotion... like love.  It's weird though, because I think my best thoughts come when I'm not in love, and that's when I should write, but I don't.  I only write when I think I am in love.

And no, I don't have any feelings or anything for that girl I met a few months ago.  She's a good person to talk to, I can tolerate her and I don't feel awkward around her even though I can be awkward without feeling the awkwardness, I'm just not attracted to her anymore I guess.  I think I completely cleansed myself of infatuation when I saw her tattoo.  I don't know what's wrong with me, but I was just turned off... I think it was a tattoo of a flower, it was pretty far away, and it was on her neck.  She sat like 2 rows in front of me and I can see her in the corner of my eye looking at me and then quickly turning but whatever.  My thoughts of the flower tattoo was that "Oh, I bet she wants to be pollinated by Penis.  Lots of Penis."  And so maybe just that thought of mine and not her, turned me off.

I met another girl too, she is cute as well.  But I thought that it's not worth it, we could have been so close, I could really see potential but there would be distance.  She lives in Japan.  We went to the same Hip Hop concert and we just hung out together and we were just so comfortable with each other.  She just left this morning I think to go to New York, I think she's some kind of traveling student.  Her visa ends so she can't come back to the Bay Area.  I may not see her ever again.  When we met the second time she asked for my Facebook.  I think she's a really really good person... I guess she's my "type."  Looks caring, reads a lot of books, and likes to party... but whatever.  I'll talk to her once in awhile.  If only this was fake and a video game I'd definitely marry her so she gets a green card lol.

It's weird.  I went to my cousin's graduation party, and everyone are such adults.  But they are still the same person... just that I think,and it feels as if they're just so much older, boring, and wiser than I am.  Their presence is so eminent.  And I feel like I'm such a kid.  I've been told that I'm not an adult yet, even though I am... a little beyond that too.  Maybe it's because of how I look... in the bus station a few weeks ago I helped this lady with a foreign European accent who needed some verification on her directions and she said "thank you sir... er, boy".

I really want to know the chemical influence aspects in our brains... because I think it's strange how... little things change my mood completely.  I'm feeling so sad most of the time, and I just want to sleep... but then sometimes, I feel happy, and nothing external really happened to me... maybe I thought of something randomly to change my mind, but how do I get those random happy thoughts that trigger the actual happiness?  They are random thoughts, thoughts I wouldn't have thought of or even try to think of... I don't even know what I try to think, and when I try to think it's usually something I thought of a few seconds before and or something I usually think of, but those thoughts get boring... I really want to think of those happy random thoughts but I really can't because they're random...

It's winter break.  I passed my classes, but didn't do as well as I wanted to.  Sometimes I think that if I don't do well, the thing I'm doing isn't for me... and it probably isn't.  I don't know.  I really want to see my full potential on how I'd do if I take away my obsessive behavior during study times... so I'll actually try, this time I'll really try to do my best next quarter.  That means no computer.  I'll do my best to not log in anything.  Or maybe I should just change my perspective on it... like to something I'm interested in and something I do everyday.  I think I put academics too high on the pedestal to actually touch it, so now I'll try this approach... the only problem is feeling my thoughts.

So since it's winter break, I've checked out books from my University's library for the first time... two Banana Yoshimoto books and a novel by Haruki Murakami.  I really love Yoshimoto's style... it's mostly just thoughts.  It's like each line she writes can be quoted too.

I like that.  I like seeing other people's thoughts.  It makes me feel more connected to society even though I'm trying to be detached.  Connecting to society... is like a judgement of society, the judge saying "you're okay.  You're okay, you're doing okay."  And that's very reassuring to me because I've been feeling so different, and I've always felt that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing (especially when I'm around my family)...

Since this is my first entry, I think I had a lot to say.  I'll do my best to have really short entries the next times.

The Pursuit of Happiness

Why I like her:
Our history
She talks to me
Her background
What she does
Fun to be with
No nail polish/eye make-up
Similar personality
Cries
Her likes

How am I obsessed?
I check her status in her game
I creep on her Tumblr and her Likes
I refresh my facebook page until she's in the top nine, and I get a heartgasm when she's on the top left.
I wait for her to be online,then I feel that I can safely log out knowing she safely got home
I get jealous with guys she contacts
Some other things that I won't mention, not even to myself.  Another form of self denial?  What kind of person am I really...

Why I shouldn't:
Distance
Communication problems
Flirts with others

What cannot be determined:
Her style
Her looks
Her scent
Her breath
Her posture
Her aura
Her presence

What will bother me:
She talks to a lot of guys
Wears Make-Up
Not sure if she likes me for who I am
Doesn't listen to me, talking to her isn't very therapeutic

Signs that she won't like me/ might annoy me in the future:
Difficulty with communication
Flirts with others a lot
Criticizes her dad a lot and other people
Talks to a lot of people
On computer way too much (?)
-

Why doesn't she talk to me anymore?!!?
Figured out we don't have much in common
I'm not reliable
She used to like me so she talked to me, now she doesn't like me and doesn't talk to me.

Why am I being ignored?!?!?
1. My depression is contagious
2. I'm holding her back in her goals/dreams
3. She's afraid she'd hurt my feelings because she knows I like her
4. No reason to talk to me
5. I'm not giving her support
6. Mad at me for disparaging the potential relationship with Whiteguy
7. Lost trust somehow because I appear different when I blog?
8. She's mad at something I said:
9. She thinks that whatever she says would hurt me
10. Maybe because of the girls I talk about on Tumblr (though it was just to get back, as an act of revenge at her since she has her biggie and Whiteguy)
11. She likes me but she doesn't want to
12. She doesn't know what to say
13. A combination of above
14. She found my blog
15. I'm hella ugly
16. I don't talk to her about my own problems so she probably thinks why should she talk about her?

Answer to Life as of Now

You know that question all questions eventually lead to?  The purpose of why we are here?  Why are we here, why did we end up here, and why am I living?

Now, I really think that even if there is a true answer, it just wouldn't be accepted.  Or more like, human nature and humans would just reject that idea.  That's why I think this is just beyond human comprehension... I think if there even was a solid answer for that philosophical question, I really think I would reject it.  I would refuse to believe that life is that simple, even though it probably is, and knowing that it probably is that simple makes life really simple...

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.  Everything is all chemical reactions in our body, right?  Where does the soul come from then? Why is science like this?  I'm starting to believe in fate even though it just doesn't look right... I can't really do anything like this.  Because if I believe in fate, I wouldn't know what to do, and that's what I'm starting to do...

I just don't care.  I just don't care.  Or I try not to.  Everything that I wanted to believe in just isn't coming true... my beliefs that I grew up with were never true... there's just so much disappointments in the beliefs I grew up with.  About love, about being nice to people, how accidents happen... there's just something so wrong... living in general.  Self disappointments. So much things that I emotionally do not approve of goes on in the background, like decapitations and organisms being run over by fucking buses.

There's just something wrong but maybe we're not supposed to have a steady emotions in the first place?  I've always thought that we live to feel good but how can we if there's just so much shit?

It's just something I shouldn't think of... it's just bothering me though. I even googled "How to Be Emotionally Detached" and now I'm reading about it.

Stoopid

Lol I'm so Tempted to Name This Poem The One Who Got Away (Poem Title, double meaning for the Lol,lol)

Hi hi hi. We don't talk so much anymore
but I know why as you became this League of Legends hoar.
I am kidding. I'm trying to get good at it, and I won't cuss.
Shit, my mind is being invaded like that Nexus.

I play the champion Ashe, but she's not from Pallet town
Seeing you online knowing you won't talk to me makes me feel down.
You deleted your Tumblr leaving me all alone
Nothing good lasts forever, I should have known.

All I want to say though is that I miss ya.
and the old times reblogging Ohheyitspatricia
I guess I did something wrong, been replaced, or became a bore
Wishing you would've told me, so I can fix it or take a detour.

Anyways I'll train to get good one day and we'll play a game
and I sincerely hope that afterwards everything will be the same.
Though I won't be going anywhere.
And it's okay if you don't care.
I'll always be here to lend you an ear
So happy holidays and happy New Year!

Hope I'm not that clingy like a parasite...
anyways i'm tired now so Nighty Night.

love,
from yours truly.

Edit: Ah fuck, its "Turret" not turRENT. Fok fok fuuuuk! (this is out: I can't help but feel that you have a replacement/ My heart's broken like what you do to that turrent)
Edit2 : STILL TRYING TO POLISH THIS SHIT UP. I want to incorporate a Zee Avi lyric in it somehow... lol

Dumb Thoughts Part 7

-There are two feelings that I'll always try to avoid:  Feeling stupid, and feeling guilty.

-I like the word capricious.  It's something I feel a lot, and I think I'll be using it a lot.  Though it makes me think of a guy with sunglasses... on a sailboat... as a cover on a pouch... with a small yellow straw behind it.

-I watched this documentary about disorders... mostly brain disorders and disillusions.  It's a Nova, "Secrets of the Mind" by Dr. Ramanchandran.  It got me thinking about some things.  About how pain can just be the wiring signals gone wild without the pain actually happening, and how your brain can trick you of what's there and you thinking that it's not there... from this documentary I will conclude until further studies, that emotions override intellect. In our process of judging, emotions come first, intellect second.  Emotions first, intellect second. Anyways, I think everyone should watch it, it's on Youtube, a worthwhile good 50 minutes of your life.

-On Thursday last week I went to the Academy of Sciences with my cousin and her husband, who is now my cousin... I guess I can call him my cousband... or not, just cousin, but anyways, I almost died because some fucking dumbass almost drove into our lane, literally was to the side of us merging.  Maybe that's why I don't go out much, I don't want to die. Hmm.  Anyways, they stayed with us for three nights, and it was fun too because they brought their dog Muggsie who is very well behaved.  They walk him three times a day and they even bring him to work.   I love Muggsie, and I think if all fails, I'll live in a mountain in a trailer with a dog.  Or just an apartment or just a house with a dog... if I was really meant to be antisocial or whatever.

-"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."  So it is.  Must mean my mind is the devil's workshop right now.  I see Mister Devil hammering something... he is sculpting something long and huge like a baseball bat.  And hard.  It's a wooden penis.  And now he's wrapping it as a present with the help of his elf friends.

-I think it was two weeks ago when I befriended a fob that I played basketball a week before the two weeks ago.  I noticed he was a fob when he mispronounced his name, William, as Weeyam.  So I decided to talk to him when he was just sitting down and it was funny, this conversation became deep leading to how he came from China and that he has a brother in Colorado.  It was fun actually trying to figure out what he was saying.  Took me like a minute or so to figure out when he told me I look "E-ZA." And I'm like... E-ZA?  Israel?  Islam?  And then it hit me, OH, ASIAN, I look Asian!  And he was like YEAH!  And then we talked some more, me telling him advice on how to learn English fast (he already has his Master's degree, but he needs to pass some English test or something.. and so he always comes to this center to play basketballl) and blah blah blah, I love trying to understand fobs because I know they don't really judge me I guess, and I think the conversation is actually worth initiating because I'm actually helping him learn English.  He was like "I'm from United Stah" and I'm like "United States"? And I just got so confused because he should know and he should know that I know that we're in the United States... and then it HIT me again, "OH, UNION CITY" and he was like YEAH!  So yeah, I like conversing with fobs.

Came to Break Me... Oh You... Came to Save Me

OKAY.  I'm still not in the mood to write about this or whatever.  I usually write when I'm feeling in the mood to do so, but... I just can't seem to write anything because I just don't feel like it.  But I'll write for the sake of writing everyday.  My Literature Professor told me to get better at writing, I must do it everyday, so... here's to writing everyday!  That, and more notes on my "spectacles" notebook keep on piling up, so I guess its now or never.

Anyways, I still remember it even though it happened a week ago.  I remember how I felt, and I guess I remembered everything that happened.

Friday came, so I was all excited to study with her, right? After class is 2:30 p.m. I was to study with her at 2:30 p.m. then, but however in the library while checking my email I get an email from her saying... LOL I'm going to copy and paste it. Fuck her privacy. She lost her phone and... " I wont get back to hayward until 4 ish so if you still want to meet up to study at that time but if not i understand. Sorry about that time change."  Then I'm like, okay okay okay fine fine, I'll stay in school until the last shuttle bus comes, which is 6:50.

I study in the library until 4:30, and then the library guy comes and says they close in 30 minutes!  So I'm like oh shit, I didn't know that, I guess the library closes early on Fridays.  So then I go up on the roof of the library and I call her that the library is closing.  She's on her way, and will be over here in maybe 10 minutes or so, but then I tell her we can't study since the library is closing.  Then she tells me that we'll just study in her dorm, and I'm like, okay fine sure whatever...

Her dorm.  Holy shit, wtf.  Anyways, she picks me up across the street from the library.  But I don't walk  across the street.  I use the cross walk.  wtf, I'm not jaywalking, bitch.  So I walk all the way to the end of the street, use the cross walk to cross over, and she drives over to me because... across the street she is parked on the red zone.  (At this point, my attraction to her is going down... going down fast.  Parking at the red zone, if we have a family, our insurance will go up because one of these days, I know, one of these days she'll get ticketed for parking in the red zone).

So I go in her car and holy shit it's a big ass truck.  But it was clean.  And she was like you didn't see me?!?! And I'm like, I don't J-walk... so then we drive over to the dorms.  AND she says something along the lines of my boyfriend, so in my head I'm like, oh, so you have a boyfriend.  In my mind it was "blahblahblahboyfriend"   lol.  And then when we get out she's like sorry I don't have any make-up on, and I'm like wtf in my head, so girls think they have to apologize if they're not wearing make up and they always have to wear it?  But whatever, maybe its just her, but instead I said "oh okay it's fine" because that thought in my head was like too long to express right away, and it wasn't that organized still because, well, its jumbled because she has a boyfriend and whatnot.

Then I go in her dorm, and trying to be natural and stuff I'm like "woah this is weird, wearing shoes inside a residential place" because you know, us Asians never take off our shoes in houses, but I guess in the dorms they leave their shoes on.  She's dorming with two other black girls, and she hardly ever goes to her dorm.

And it wasn't awkward!  It wasn't awkward at all.  She didn't even prepare either, so it was like I was monitoring her to study the whole time, but in between, you know how I'm like naturally curious about the people I hang out with, I press for information... well not really press, but ask information from her in the moments I feel that are appropriate.  This is what I've gathered:

Her mom died of breast cancer.  Her dad cheated on her mom when she had breast cancer.  Her mom didn't say anything about her breast cancer until she hugged her mom and felt the lump and died nine years ago.  Her mom was also very nice til the end, and didn't get mad when she found out her husband was cheating on her.  She also has a step brother, from an affair her dad had.  She lost her phone at a bar using her cousin's fake ID.  She's taking four other classes.  She smoked pot once.

She's understanding.  She apologizes a lot.  She's trying to be nice, because her mom was nice, she's trying to live in the spirit of her mom.

What I found interesting when she was getting to know me was that of her conclusions:  "You're shy".  I guess I am, but in my mind I was like wtf do you know about me, you don't know me.  "You don't talk to girls."  Where did she get that from?  lol, it was only today when I started to get to know her.  "You never smoked weed?  You live in an area where you're around people or whatever like that all the time" Not her exact words, but my response was that... I stay at home and sleep all day.  That's what I tell people when they ask me what I do.... "stay at home and sleep all day".  It's kind of true I guess.  I lied once, saying that I'm okay with it and I'm not sad about it.  I'm lying that "I'm not sad."  Fuck yeah I'm sad!  Then she asked if I was gay, and I was like no!  Do I sound gay?  And she was like NO!!  I like this though, she was very blunt, no hesitations on her judgment about me.

I think I've gained a good friend, but its just so weird.  I feel like pressing her for more information.  I felt heartbroken at times but it's okay, I have Monte, Bitter Heart, First of the Gang to Die, and I Am Me Once More on my Ipod. Damn, being indifferent helps me a lot.  Just makes me feel very cool.  She even drove an hour and a half to study with me, and she's traveling back that night to SF, because I assume she usually sleeps at her boyfriend's.  Three hours on the road just to study with me though?!?!  On a fucking huge ass Hummer-like truck that consumes hella gas (but it was a Toyota, I'm not a car person)? So she's very nice, or trying to be nice*, or just plain fucking stupid, but it's fine, it was interesting.  Definitely note-taking worthy.  Why stay on the road for three hours to study with me when you're unprepared? Hmmm? But whatever, I guess she misses her mom so much so she's trying to be really nice and whatnot but whatever.

Riding her truck to the train station, we talked a lot.... about just life.  I could never talk to someone who understands me like her.  The conversation was going both ways... at least I think it was.  I felt it was a real conversation, a conversation I haven't had in months.  I felt that I understood her and she could understand me.  No one ever understands me.  This was a real conversation about life.  But whatever, she has a boyfriend, so she's now just a really good friend.  She said bye, and I said bye back flashing a really big departing smile, and she mirrored the smile back.

Genuinely nice, she's not genuinely nice but probably just forcing herself to be nice?... and I remember trying to be nice, but then always reverting back to my disdain for the general public and reclusive personality where I just want to be left alone most of the time. Yeah, going out of your way by so much to help someone can't be genuine... it can't be, she has to be forcing it.  But maybe she was trying to live like her mom... I wonder how she'd react if I told her... maybe your mom was trying to be nice because she thought she was going to heaven if she was nice like that?  Or maybe that's what you really wish for when you're dying, you wish that all your issues with people are resolved.

I left very satisfied.  Though when I got home, it took me two days to feel back to the same me.  It's so weird though, usually in situations like this I would cry, but I didn't.  I guess I'm growing more resistant to having my heart hurt? lol but anyway, that day was a very good day, and I think I'll always remember it.

So many times when I feel close, or when God finally decides to lay something out for me, I don't even get close at all, not even in the relationship.  It's always happening before it.  Maybe its fate that I'm not supposed to be in a relationship ever, and that... I'mthereincarnationofJesusandI'msupposedtoneverbeinarelationshiplikehim. BUT SORRY FATE, I'll always like girls and I think I'll be in a relationship sometime!  Or not, maybe I'll always like girls but never get into a relationship.

Anyways though, she's not the one, but she definitely has the potential to be a very good friend.  I like people  who try to be nice, even though I don't like stupid people, it's weird because I guess I like stupid nice people.  Maybe it's just stupid mean people that I don't like.  Yeah, that's probably it.  I dislike stupid mean people! Or stupid arrogant people. Or just people. And I'm people.  So I guess I hate myself... ha... ha... ha.

Cozy Warm Blanket Over My Cold Heart

lol she so nice ggahh brings me to tears.  Such a great timing for her to come into my life, or maybe I just need to open my eyes more... her niceness is like a cozy warm blanket over my cold heart.  and the great things about blankets is its versatility.. a dual purpose, as this warm and cozy blanket over my heart conceals my heart's true feeligns for her, forever unnoticed. lol wtf am I writing. 

I've decided to wait and not plan on asking her out in like a date or whatever, and be patient with everything even though I think I'm doing that right now... omg it's so crazy though, I told her the time what class I chose for next quarter's Botany class and she chose the same one as me lol and she was so happy to say that she was taking the class with me! Her eyes get really chinky when she smiles at me lol, its different (or she's probably just copying what I do... lol). I don't want to make things awkward either besides, it's just an infatuation phase for me, right? I want to know if I'd still like her if I didn't have these feelings and if I do, I would be ready and prepared for getting hurt or either liking her forever, and the liking her forever part should be love, right? Holy shit wtf am I doing.

I've always believed that love is supernatural, maybe it's some child psychology shit and that I'm competing with my parents because I know they are the best duo couple thing ever and I have to be in a relationship that beats them... or maybe their relationship isn't that great and I just find beauty in smalll things (don't get me wrong though, SUPERbeauty is rare, which is this girl I think I like right now though)...

Or maybe I'm not doing anything and I'm thinking this way because I'm scared as shit and I'm just a little pussy. lol.

But really though.  Anyway, I had lab with her again yesterday.  Affter the lab instructor gave her mini peptalk lecture thing the girl got up and sharpened her pencil and I'm so weird, I just starting laughing but of course I hide it so I just sat there looking weird covering my mouth a little to cover my smile.  The sharpening just made this loud sharpening sound because its one of those old pencil sharpeners when everyone was quiet, and I guess this is the girl I like causing all this commotion!  Like it felt so unreal... or maybe I laughed coz I thought I was the only one who still used pencils.

Operation Strategy Phase 1 Part 2: The Initiation 

So I tried looking at her and then looking away hoping she'd catch me just looking at her.  I looked at her then she looked at me, and I got stunned... I just look at her and she was just looking at me.... then I slowly turned my eyes away but she just started talking to me LOL FAIL.  But its a good thing since she's talking to me, but it's not what I planned.  Holy shit though, she smells so good from across the table lol I stood next to  kasdj her and she's even cute next to me, I'm like a head taller, her head is so round lol her hair was down too, wore a jean jacket isntead of hoodie, and had shinier nail polish but I guess I'm okay with nail polish now.  AH SHE SO CUTE.  and she was so happy telling our other lab mates that she's taking Botany with me next quarter lol anwyway, strategy operation phase 1 FAILED.  

Sometimes I just stand next to her and my mind goes blank like I just want to go back to my mind which I can if I'm away from everyone and then just plan a concrete set plan on what I want to say to her and create all the scenarios thinking what she would ask me so I can study my answers to answer them perfectly in the way I would want to. 

But whatever.  What happens happens and we're so cool together for now, I just need to take a breath act indifferent, and follow my code of: being there for her, help her when she needs it, look out for her, say w/e is on my mind that I think is funny, be reliable, answer all calls from her and HOLY SHIT I just remembered something that happened like 2 days ago.

So I took a nap in the middle of the day waiting for my mom coz we were gonna go somewhere.  so when my mom woke me up i had to hurry coz she wanted me to carry some bigass stuff, and it was getting dark so I hurried and left... WITHOUT my cellphone.  five hours later I come bakc home, then one hour after that I check my phone and I MISSED a call from her, which was prbably like 4 hrs ago during this time.  MINUS ONE point taken out of reliablility.  but i'm not gonna choke, I called her back and when she said bye it was the two syllable bye, like baaa-eye, in that happy tone. made me sqeal in the inside and smile myself to rest lol.

anyway I learneed that she is studying to be a MARINE BIOLOGIST aw so CUTE.  its like space exploration... but in the sea!  I guess... lol..

this girl who I'm starting to like- LITERALLY SHAKING MY HEART

Thought I was going to spectate my entire life until someone comes along and stays with me, wants to stay with me, and loves me for whatever I am… until I met her.

There’s this girl I’ve known for like a month now, and I find myself falling for her. OMG she’s literally shaking my heart because she’s the only one that really calls me on my cell phone, which I put on my shirt’s pocket, which is over my left breast, and the left side of the human, anatomically, a bit deeper, is where the heart should reside, so when she calls me she’s literally shaking my heart! (phone is on vibrate) omg I’m so romantic lololol… or it could be just shaking my boob. I like the sound of shaking my heart better though.

Operation Strategy, Phase 1:

Approach her with caution, be really cool, have an indifferent tone, I MUST ACT INDIFFERENT. I must have my eyes glow, stare at her, into the eyes, stare at her when she’s not looking and quickly look away if she looks back, BUT she has to catch me on the act of looking away (she sits across from me and we face each other) … I MUST ALWAYS look mad or sad, but ONLY smile at HER, and SHOW that I only smile, and am only happy when I see her (I know my smile is the shit!)… just so that she gets the message? YUP BOOAHAHAHA THIS IS WHAT U GET FOR CROSSING PATHS WITH THE XENOSBIOZ. MUTHAfuCKAHH???? MUTHAFUCKAHHH!!!

IDK how to start anything though… I know that if I say anything it’ll end up to be more awkward than it already is. It’s out of my comfort awkward zone. I know I’m awkward,and I’m comfortable being that way, but just talking will get me out of my awkward talking zone. Maybe start with friendly hugs? And then peck her on the top of her head with a casual “MUAhZ” just really playfully? ah fuck lol kEEE she so cute!!!

Why I like her:

She could hear me! I THINK most people can’t hear me but she does, which is verified by how she actually responds to me, and what I say even though i kinda whisper it to the person I’m adjacent to (she sits across from me, and its a lab bench..) She laughs at me too! She smells so good… she pats me a lot… her shape is like a little bear cub whom I really really just want to hug her. She’s very honest, straightforward in revealing her insecurities… she’s VERY THANKFUL, and helps me so much even though I haven’t asked… she’s a good anticipator, would be great for our future baby.. alskdfjs ! She can anticipate all our baby’s future needs. ”Gimme my fucking bott- oh fuck, I have the bottle in my mouth already, thank you mom that Xeno chose” BOOAHAHAHA. Her name is adorable as well. most adorable name I ever heard and spoken. i get all giddy just whispering it… KEKEKEKE. I think she’s really outgoing, and it balances with me, I think I can come out of my shell if I continue hanging out with her.. if she isn’t outgoing, we can both work on it together? She’s motivating me to study, but its a bad thing if she doesn’t like like me all of a sudden and I fall apart… she is also so frigging funny like she got offended when I told her I thought she was Mexican, and that some other things that’s hard to describe in words. She’s just a really cool person. So human.. lol.

What I think I’m over thinking:

I wonder if I’m subconsciously switching my way of thinking to a way to something that I think a girl that I’m attracted to would like… or am I just very open minded? Honestly though if a girl likes me, like if I genuinely feel it (feel, it doesn’t mean its right) I try really hard to like her back.

I also saw another old black slash Asian couple in their 70s maybe? It was at church today. And I see “her” in lecture hanging out with this other black guy. Shit! lol but whatever. If I really like her I’d go for her anyways right? *swoons* she sooo nice lol

What to think of when I don’t want to like her:

She wears too much eye make up and she wears nail polish. She may also be playing with me but whatever. She has a lot of friends and guy friends maybe, so maybe I can just picture her with her guy friends all the time? IDK.

What I must do:

It’s an automatic instinct in that i have to work on it… what kind of work you ask? I must get close to her, be reliable, must show that i am someone she can depend on? WHICH I FUCKING CAN DO MUTHAFUCHAAHH. I’m dope as shit when committed to it okays?!??! I also must follow up on what she says about studying with her. Encourage her, be better than her so I can be more trustworthy when I study with her… because she can’t study with someone dumber than her of course, right?

Conversation starters? Well I can comment on her hair, for smelling nice. I’ll say she smells good, and I’ll say sorry if I don’t smell good because I think I don’t smell that good since I was riding on the train and the train makes me not smell so good so thank you for smelling so good!… what else can I say, hMMM??!?! I hope I don’t weird her out lol.

Am I this pathetic? I don’t even really know her but I guess her personality is what I’ve been searching for… she just keeps patting me lol and omg SHE SO CUTE LOL

Oh God, pleeeeeease love or like me back :(

But then again, what if this is just another step for me… what if this was supposed to happen, and we were to be together, but were meant to break up for this higher purpose that I think it will serve?

Lol, sorry I’d actually be more giddy for entertainment purposes and because I’m honest with my feelings, but I’m starting to over think my giddyness thus it doesn’t come out too entertaining or giddy. I guess this is what age does to me.

Dumb Thoughts Compilation

Here's a post of all my dumb thoughts piled up that I posted on Tumblr.

So I finally talked to this one girl I was talking to IRL online! And so I thought she’d be the casual typer and whatnot with no punctuation, since she’s so outgoing, and slightly ghetto, but apparently she “Talks like this. haha.” lol. I wonder if anyone else does the same thing… meeting people IRL, and then wonder how they might type like online…

I’ve always thought I’ve needed to sleep and rest. Maybe sometimes I even sleep and rest when I’m not tired. I probably am tired but what if I’m not tired compared to other people? Because of this, I’ll do my best not to sleep. Fuck sleep and rest. I’ll fight my tiredness for knowledge. Sleep actually feels better after not sleeping and resting for awhile anyway! And I think dark circles under my eyes might make me look more attractive… looks like a form of battle scars… makes me feel more manly.

Just been thinking about dreams and goals and stuff. What if your goals are over and you achieve it? Once you achieve something, that happy feeling doesn’t last forever anyways…

therefore to not be disappointed, I’ll constantly remind myself that I’m in pursuit for two things that’s probably everlasting, with ever lasting feelings: knowledge and love. Shit’s limitless!!! And I’m also a spectator. I should always remember to bring a pen and a piece of paper everywhere I go, even if its just for a little drive, or even if it’s the gym, or even if its just the bathroom.

As much as I like to think I’m not shy… I am shy. Fuuuuuck :( I also hate things that I think of that would have made things interesting after the encounter with the person. So much regret, even though there’s nothing I could have done about it since I just didn’t think of it at the time since I was too busy thinking about how shy I was.

I don’t know why I still play with a sprained foot but I did… and it got stepped on a couple of times, and my toe was all bleeding and stuff, so its funny how the tip of my sock was soaked in blood. The sprain didn’t really bother me, but now my toe does, it’s like stabbing my skin even though I’m not walking, and when I do walk, it just feels so numb like it hits and affects all the nerves at once.

I just thought about how balanced my parents are. My dad is the breadwinner, makes ALL the mess in the house, like he literally causes a typhoon or some sort when he enters the kitchen or any room, he’ll spill, mess the rugs and all the rugs will be pushed to the end of the door, plates everywhere, tissues everywhere… and my mom is like a compulsive cleaner, she spends the whole day cleaning… usually his mess lol.

They are really balanced though… my mom’s really negative about everything, and my dad’s very positive about everything. But then again, my dad does make some dumb decisions, and my mom’s always like HA told you so mothafuckaahh. Mom is aggressive, dad is so passive. Mom talks all the time, my dad reads all the time. My mom voted for Obama, my dad voted for Romney.

I saw this really old interracial couple, like they were in their 70s, it was a black man (walking with a cane!) and an Asian woman, on the train, and her head was on his shoulder… I thought it was really cute because I never seen anything like that. Or maybe she wasn’t Asian… maybe she was just an Italian but had really chinky eyes. IDK. I was like on a row behind them but to the right while they were on the left of the aisle, so even if I had a stalker pic, it wouldn’t really capture them.

I was always thinking that I’m anti-small talk, because I just didn’t like it or felt the need to talk like that? But it’s weird, like I was forced into a small talk to not make things awkward, and afterwards I’m like YES! I held a conversation… or maybe I was like that before but I didn’t notice it… talking just makes me feel good sometimes, even if I don’t really say anything useful or helpful, or something that I think is not interesting? IDK

I feel that I get some ideas, but I just can’t really finish them.. like I genuinely feel that I can write an essay about how language itself controls us but I can’t finish that thought even though I feel that it’ll be long and big… yeah I just don’t feel like thinking too much about it I guess.

I lock the door when I take a shower, and so after I showered, I saw a fly. I didn’t want the fly to touch me because I finished taking a shower. I’d “feel” dirty if it did since who knows where its been, even though its just a touch, I’d still “feel” dirty, it ruins one of my only satisfying moments in life of just feeling so clean after a shower, but anyways, I killed the fly in the air by swinging some thick napkin thing my dad steals from his work. And I thought, if flies reproduce, or whatever really fast like that, it won’t take them very long to become a generation to evolve with some kind of revenge mechanism… going to be scary if they develop some kind of evolutionary poison just for humans because we keep killing them! And its going to be partly my fault. I killed a fly… it will evolve into something that’ll have its revenge on us…

I think its a good thing though. Would be fun to see I guess, and it’ll cause another social hysteria, and then all the criminals will be scared of flies, and so they band together, though they won’t win, so they team up with the non criminals, and everyone studies Biology in hopes to find a cure to end evolutionary adaptations and everyone will be happy because we conquer the flies and there will be finally world peace and everyone will be happy and then Jesus comes from above and congratulates everyone, and so he gives everyone bread, that never expires so you can keep the bread and sell it on Ebay in the future as Jesus’s bread.

Also thought of a thing LAHWF could do… like with a friend or something, walk in front of people and extend arms to shake hands to block the person’s way. It has to be a really crowded area though. It actually happened to me while walking to class back in high school, and I’ll never forget it… two black people, on my left, one on my right, shakes hands, I’m walking… so awkward like I’m just in front of two arms, and I can’t move around them because there are so many people walking lol

Random Dumb Conversation Thoughts

Don't you like hearing what people say, and then repeating it as a misheard lyric?
-Let's go watch Batman
  -What, play Badminton?
-Fuck you bitch
  -What, Lilo and Stitch?
Person cursing might feel really stupid after that. I know I would lol

-How are you?
  -I'm okay.  I've been crying. I've felt a little satisfaction here and there, I get angry, so I'm okay, because what happens to me is what happens to humans, and it's okay to be a human right/  Not my fault, right?  It's what humans do, right?  It's good to feel that way because it's human, right?  So I'm okay, right? I'm okay, right?  I can be accepted, right?  I can fit in to all your other human activities, right?  I can have fun with you guys, right?  Because I'm okay, right?

-Blah blah blah blah
  -What?
-What?

I don't complain... because I think I'm just not very good at it.  Plus, I feel really stupid after complaining.  Complaining is just a way to let out your inconvenience, right?  We need to let it out somehow.  Even if its in my head, I think my translation, aka a simple curse of fuck, or shit, would suffice as my inconvenience to an occurrence.

Maybe it's not authority or other people that controls/influences us, but maybe it's language itself?
"I have to be this, so I'm not this."
"I'm not this, so I have to find a word to be this and not this."

Three quotes I must remember:
"An idle mind is the devil's advocate."
"Hard working means doing something instead of doing something you'd rather do." (Sitting down here staring at my computer screen instead of playing a game does not qualify as hard work, however.  It has to be something rigorous that takes a lot of energy out of me)
"I'm the fucking shit."
"There's no limit to knowledge, there's no limit to knowledge, there's no limit to knowledge."

I don't know, just random thoughts.

weird ass dream.

I woke up crying from a dream this morning.  It was weird.  In my dream...was like an alternate version of me.  Well, its kind of like the same as my reality.

I was a pure social recluse.  I've spent the last four years, which were years of high school, inside my house. I didn't go out, I didn't see anyone.  However, I had memories of my friends from high school... it's weird, because I was actually starting high school again even though I had memories of high school prior to this.  I've been away from school, not going out and ignoring everyone for four years. For some reason, high school was continuing, and I finally stepped out and went to school.  I saw my old classmates or friends and they were all big and old.  Everyone around the campus looked young and different as well.  My old friends and classmates didn't give a shit about me though... didn't even care what I've been through, and I was even ignored.  During passing period, or was it after class?  I remember this huge wired fence around the school and I was just walking alone, having no where to go, because no one gave a shit about me.

I woke up crying after that.  Holy fucking shit.  Why the fuck was I crying?  Maybe because no one really does give a shit lol.  But it's okay, I'll be okay.  I'm used to this, right?  I have experience in this, right?  But then again, experience is just a name we use as an excuse for our mistakes... right?

Anyways, after that, I went back to sleep and I had a dream about a hotel and pistachio or macadamia nuts. Like, the better we were as a person, we were served like bigger blocks of chocolate, but if we were at a lower level we were just served nuts.  Such a weird dream. And there was also a side of it that included sex and nice bed sheets that I remember, but I really can't tie that in with what I think the premise of my dream was.

Socially, I guess I've been relatively okay.  The girl I guess I liked doesn't talk to me anymore.  I rekindled a friendship with someone I used to talk to a lot.  I met this one girl who I think I can fall for but I don't really want to, but she's really nice because she approaches me, but I'm not falling for her because I can only like one girl at a time.  Maybe the more, that girl who I don't talk to anymore, the more she doesn't talk to me, maybe the time and distance will extinguish my feelings for her?  Hopefully that'll happen and that I'm really not in love.

I've also been thinking about the reasons why we talked before, and I think I've said it, but I'll say it again.  Maybe our purpose isn't to reproduce, but to spread our opinions to others... to make everyone else similar?  That's what I thought before, which was why we talked a lot, to convince others.  But now I'm thinking differently... what if the purpose is just to create more diversity?  Everyone's already different from our ancestor and we keep combining genetic material creating different offspring that are of course different from the parent.   Yet, we talk, and so maybe everyone's trying to be an individual... as in, being different than everyone else, right?  Some people think things are better than others because it'll help them survive maybe because you know, survival of the fittest, etc.... but what if the main purpose is to be different?  I don't know what I'm saying, but maybe that's why we talk, to have different opinions and stuff.  That's just what I think... for now.  It's really fucking stupid.

Been also thinking why the fuck I wanted to get to know people at a deeper level before.  Maybe it was because so I won't feel so bad being shallow... but did I really feel bad about being shallow?  I don't think so, maybe I just don't like surprises and getting things over with so I can make a judgement and move on.  Maybe I should just be like that.  Be shallow, and be proud, and have fun.  Fuck getting to know people.  I get really bored talking to the same person all the time anyway... most of the time.

What's the fucking mystery?  You go to work, eat three times a day and take one good shit. 

HOLY JUMPING FUCKING SHIT BALLS

happy birthday dad.

I had some really weird thoughts that I should have recorded... but I didn't.  I guess I get lazy, or that I get so insecure sometimes when I'm in a phase like that, but I think I'm mature enough to withstand it. It seems like the only times I really blog are when I have something I "have" to do... that is, something authority has ordered me to do... I don't know why, but I always feel that when people tell me something to do, I do it.  If its especially people I respect a whole lot, I'd do it.  I guess I'm not that mature yet, in that I follow orders because what's engraved in my mind is still some social structure where people are better than others.  I always have to remind myself that, it's not the case.  It really really isn't.


This video really makes me happy.

I've been thinking of my own situation a lot.  I hardly ever go out.  I only call friends when I feel that they want to talk to me, or when I feel that it's appropriate.  I don't know why I'm like this.  Why am I always so reclusive, and why do I like... make myself depressed.  I remember in a novel I read, it said guys usually don't go out of their way to feel sadness... but I feel that I've been doing that for like all my life that I remember.  I wonder if girls think that too, that guys don't go out of their way to feel sadness.  Is that a turn off?  I guess it can look really feminine, but what if I'm confident about it, and that I'm proud of feeling sadness?

WAIT gotta poo poo, I'll Publish this anyway.

Okay, I'm back.  So I've been thinking... maybe if I like make myself depressed by getting in all sorts of these stupid situations, things will just make me happier...  or not, because I'm actually doing what I'm thinking of right now.  I get really really happy when someone messages me, I get really really happy when someone wants to talk to me, I get really really happy when someone pats my arm.  It's really weird.  I think there really are levels of happiness.  Fixed levels of happiness with limits.  When someone talks to me, is probably the same kind of happiness feeling as another person landing a job who really wanted a job.  That's the kind of state I'm in, I think.

Been also thinking about optimism.  I dislike people who are sarcastically optimistic especially when they don't show that they're being sarcastic at all.  Maybe they aren't sarcastic, but truly believe in optimism... that there really is something to be really happy about. Is there really something to be so happy about? Like, ALL the fucking time?  Count your blessings, that's what they always say, but is it really making you happy?  It's a nice reminder, counting blessings, but forgetting that quote in my head in a moment of need fucks my entire mind system up.

Then there's her.  I think I like her a lot, but something's missing.  And it's something that I'll always compare to.  Catherine (YES I'M SAYING HER NAME NOW.  CATHERINE CHAO, I'M CALLING YOU OUT) would have asked me how my day went, would ask and be interested in what I had to say, and my thoughts... this one doesn't, she genuinely doesn't give a fuck, which I actually admire.  So I think again, I'm no longer friends with Catherine, or associated in any way, so why the fuck was having someone for me to talk to a good thing when it ends like that?  I have my blog to rant to anyway.  Case closed.

Oh yeah, and yesterday was my dad's birthday.  He's 55.  We had KFC,  with no cake.  I also went to the dentist because my sealant on my tooth broke, and they had to put fillings again on it.  It was so weird, the doctor was like irritated that the dentist assistant didn't set things up properly, but they also like prepared everything before the procedure, like in my mouth.  They put so much shit in my mouth, like a crank thing for me to bite on so they can see my tooth and all these other sticks.  And I just started cracking up, I couldn't control my laughter.  And when I tried to think of something that would have made me not laugh, I'd laugh even more so I just kept on laughing, but I couldn't, I was just smiling because I had all that shit in my mouth, so the dentist and the assistant started laughing too.  I thought that was funny.  I don't think that ever happens... laughing during a dental procedure when its supposed to hurt.

OH FUCK YEAH.

You're a FUCKING SHEEP. Bitch. Bitch. BITCH BITCH!!!!  INCOMPATIBLE WITH DOGS. Hell fucking yeah, fucking sheep!! AHAHAHAAHA... YOU BITCH. BA-A-A-A-A-OWW (ba-a-a-a, you know, the sound sheep makes?) DOWN TO ME MOTHAFUCKAH. LOL /stalker status, but TBC.

Haven't written here in awhile.  I've been procrastinating on homework, been watching some George Carlin... did I mention the encounter with the stupid ass fat lady?  She was so fucking stupid, so I guess its not worth mentioning.  Stupid ass lady with a stupid ass kid.  Fucking world, fucking America and shit, can't believe it got to me, but it did.

Life has been okay.  I feel at peace when I'm in my Biology class. Fucking worms and shit made life possible for us.  They helped us through the ice age and shit, and holy fucking shit thank you fucking worm.

Basketball is starting to actually hurt.  My ass bone hurts, and my left arm hurts more than ever.  My scapula like sticks out abnormally when I put my left hand behind my back. But I think my stamina is so much better than before, and I'm really glad that its better.

There was an interesting phrase I read today on some lady's tattoo... "Those who wander are not always lost"... and so I just looked it up as I typed that, and its by JRR Tolkien.  I think I should read some of his books.

Also met this one chick.  She says I smile a lot (only because I was laughing at the poem I was writing for my friend) and I felt that I was smiling a lot too but trying to hide it at the same time because I'd look weird just laughing to myself.  She kept patting me and stuff... maybe I'd fall for her, but I'm like nahhh, seriously, is that how pitiful I am... lol, simple touching can get me so easily?  Awh fuck no.  Maybe I should touch people more often.  In the bus, I was sitting next to this one girl, and my elbow started clashing with her's, and in my mind I was like yeee take that bitch! Because I actually liked touching... lol wtf!

Meh nothing much, but dropping by to say HI... TO MYSELF since I'm the only one who reads this.

I'm finally continuing Pokemon White.  I named my Rufflet after my friend, Ron.  He reminds me of Rufflet, not because the evolved form Braviary is the Leo in the Pokemon Horoscope and Ron really is a Leo in real life, but because he reminds me of perseverance, courage, and all that.  

burger king.

I've created a great memory on Tuesday, that I did not mention.  In the moment, it felt rushed and I don't think I really really enjoyed it, but it did create a fond memory.  I went to Burger King with my mom.  We used coupons to get smoothies and two full meals.  We ate there, which is pretty rare.  I like that.  Going to a restaurant.  It was really hot too and I think I had a headache.  But thinking back, I don't remember that hot weather feeling, but just the joy of eating in a restaurant with my mom.

Anyways, my assessment of the current situation:

I know that there are two things that motivate people to do whatever they do.  First one is to gain pleasure, and the second one which is a greater drive, is to avoid pain. This isn't love, because I destroyed the meaning once I demand something from it.  The feeling of hope is gone, and now my two options are to suffer through it, or to leave it.  Out of sight, out of mind.  She doesn't ask how my day was.  She doesn't ask me questions.  She doesn't do anything with me unless its something she's doing and of course I'd do whatever she wants me to but that doesn't count, because when I show her something she was never interested.  She doesn't follow me.

I feel that I'm just there.  Like... a concrete floor.  She just steps on me, but I'm useful enough so that she can skate, dance, and do tricks on it, and it's easy to clean.  All you need is a mop.  But that's all I feel that I am.  A concrete floor.  She doesn't give a fuck about me.  She really doesn't give a fuck about me.  I don't get appreciation... I don't get asked anything... I'm just there.  Because she doesn't give a fuck.

Though I use a lot of energy... maybe I'm more like a treadmill rather than a concrete floor, since I actually try, nothing's natural though I want it to be... well it probably is natural but I don't feel it because I'm actually really trying hard to keep conversations up while being myself.   But then again a treadmill is more like a machine.. to hell with analogies!  The point is that I try, but she doesn't give a fuck.  The evidence is pointing to that... she just doesn't give a fuck.  And I'm fine with that.  It makes my decision much more easier to pursue.  I could have been anyone else, and it wouldn't make a difference.

I think I'm only there to help those who really need it... I don't know why I don't like it when they become happy... maybe I'm too selfish and I want people to only be happy because I make them happy. And that's not what a friend should do.  So I congratulate her for graduating from our friendship.  She can move on now.  She doesn't need me.  She doesn't need me anymore because I'm selfish, and of course, she doesn't give a fuck about me. What was I thinking.. being special.  I'm not fucking special.  She probably talks to hundreds of other guys besides me.  I'm deceiving myself, and I'm fucking stupid.

You know what's even worse?  If I continue what I do now, I'll fucking cause drama.  Who the hell wants online drama when your real life is fun and better than ever.  No one.  Who the fuck would want stress in something that one thinks is not really real besides me. So what the fuck am I doing.  I'm holding her back because I'm being fucking stupid. She can't move forward with me as a friend anyways... she's moved up already.  This isn't good for the both of us.  It really isn't... or maybe just for me.  This isn't good for me.  Holy fucking shit what the fuck have I been doing, and what the fuck did I get myself into.

I REALLY REALLY HOPE my feelings will change tomorrow morning and I'd ask myself for forgiveness. And I usually do forgive myself.  And hopefully I trained my brain to subconsciously prepare for itself to be consistent with being what I want it to be.  Just hopefully the external forces stay consistent as well... but sometimes, I don't mind it being messed up.  I can deal with it, and I know how to get what I want.

Anyways, if she doesn't give a fuck, she doesn't give a fuck.  At least she's not faking any interest, and that she genuinely doesn't care, so of course if you're very very honest in that you don't care, you won't really care, right?  Not like I like talking about myself anyways, so in the future it would be a win win situation... but it wouldn't hurt to actually show some appreciation or at least show a little sign that you at least kind of care about what's going on in my life.  But it's all good.

Anyways, back to watching more Daria.

first week of the 2012 fall quarter.

... and what else can I say?  I feel like I'm in the same position.  Except that I feel more calm, and I know more about myself.

I'm not a ranty person, but I guess one little rant won't hurt.  I was playing basketball with my friend, and then somehow we had to play a game.  We were in different teams, and like wtf, this tall black guy in my team who doesn't do much tells me to guard him and he keeps telling me to guard him (my friend) and shit but I just can't keep up, my friend is a friggin COACH.  A BASKETBALL COACH.  Of course I can't guard him, I play video games, watch stuff, and read shit all day so I have no stamina for this!  So I think I did a horrible job because I couldn't keep up but whatever.  This has to motivate me to build up more stamina.

My Bio Professor is quite d0pe.  She knows her shit.  My Hip Hop teacher is d0ap as usual, and she remembers me and my name.  Only thing that sucks is that we're dancing to one of the same songs as last quarter's, but that's okay since its a new choreo routine thing I guess, but a different song would have been better, just so that I know more songs.

I sprained my left shoulder.  Something crackles when I rotate it, and it just really hurts.. been that way for like four days already.  And now I feel the pain transferring over to my left arm and my left hand.  I dropped two things on accident because I had no control of my grip on my left.  I dropped my book, and my water bottle's cap.  Dropped the book on the train, and the cap in the bus.  Now I can feel it a little on my right hand.  It's more of my wrist on my right though rather than grip.  Maybe since it's on my left side, the pain in my heart (iirc the heart is on the left side) is actually transferring over to my shoulder, arm, and hand.  Maybe it's not a sprain but some kind of heart disease... Maybe the emotional pain in my heart is over flooding so the only way to transfer the pain over is to my arm, shoulder, and hand?  ...ha.. ha... ha.

I am a bit disappointed because my only two good friends go to school the same day as me only once a week.

That also means the only words I say throughout the day are probably "thank you" which is to the bus drivers.  My friend's gf said hi to me, that was refreshing because I feel like such an outcast again with no one to really talk to or hang out, I'm glad to be noticed I guess?  One of my other classmates remembers me too, this black guy, and we talked for a bit.  He sprained his foot and its burning, and is taking pictures about his life for photography. Sounds like fun, I should have started out as a Multimedia major.

I think I'm allergic to apples.

Sometimes, I even think... am I really an introvert?  Or just a loser extrovert?  I mean like, I'm actually an extrovert but I actually fail on being one? lol.  I truly love public speaking.  I like taking a whole night to write up something to actually say it.  I like saying things that I want to say.  I like saying things and making people laugh.

Just thought of something kinda funny too.  I think if I ever get into a relationship, I'd be such a troll.  Like, if my GF is in my room, I'd randomly push her monstrously onto my bed and start ripping our clothes off being so aggressive and whatnot, and then only peck her on the cheek ,and then put my clothes back on. boohahaha.

my best middle school friend !

I went to my school today to pay my tuition, and I hear someone holla out my name from behind…

It was my best middle school friend and normal high school friend (the same person, but different titles for what grade level)! I couldn’t believe he would recognize me but he did.  He looked exactly the same.  I even forgot that he existed… he just transferred over to my university and we were both going to pay for something at the Cashier. It was a long line, but it felt so fast since we just talked the whole time the line moved, mostly about what he’s been doing, our major changes, and about the NBA.

I feel so good now.  We drifted apart early in high school because I was more of the type to not talk to everyone, and he was the type to befriend and talk to everyone… including nerds and stuff. So, his friends whom he started hanging out with more became intimidating (the huge ass pants kind and shit), and me, who doesn’t really like to change or act who I’m not decided to stay the same, and follow a flock of people who look like me, but I still remained somewhat of a loner. I would have rather remained a loner than change who I am, or maybe I just didn’t know how to change.  I guess I'm really stubborn or really stupid, or both.

Regardless, we’re friends again, and its even better for me now since he’s like friends with everyone, and just by being his friend I’m lucky because that opens a really wide social network for me.

Letter to Ms. Headington

I feel like writing to my high school freshman English/ Teacher Cadet teacher.  I'll hand-write it later, and deliver it to my high school's office on Tuesday.

Dear Ms. Headington

I know you're busy all the time but I feel that I have to talk to you.  I hope you remember me.  I'm ***** Morales, I graduated 2008.  I was a freshman in your English class 2nd period, and a Teacher Cadet 2006-2007 3rd period, and a Teacher Cadet once again 2007-2008, 4th and 6th period.

It's been awhile, and I know I haven't visited you since the day before graduation.  I'm still attending school, I'm at CSU East Bay, and I have switched my major three times.  Even though we were close in high school, we didn't talk much, but I've felt that I've known you, so I want to talk to you (or rant), and I feel that I can communicate best through a letter, so here it is.

Well, I want to say the main reason that I haven't visit was that I was ashamed and embarrassed that I chose Nursing over Teaching, and I wanted to visit you with a Liberal Studies degree focusing on Elementary Teaching, however, I've given up.  I feel so discouraged that I feel everyone at the major (my classmates) has a job and experience with teaching, and can handle large class sizes.  I'm more of a one on one type of person.  I realized this through how I can connect to students I've worked with at Reading Partners (I volunteered at this Reading Partners program at this elementary school for a year, where I teach reading to students one on one)

So the competition is overwhelming me and I've already given up.  Perhaps I'll try again in the future. I'm deciding to major in Biology hoping that I can get into the Clinical Laboratory Scientist program at SFSU, and I'd be even more isolated, since that's what my relatives are supporting me to do since I seem like that type of person.

Character-wise, I think I'm okay, and I'm still the same person.  I've become more of a social recluse since high school, though I feel that I'm finally breaking out of it little by little.  I don't think it's a bad thing, but other people do.  I think I've fallen in love 2010, but I've said some things, and it ultimately ended with her saying she despises my existence, even though I've been trying to mend it for a year though the entire year it was rocky and I've given up on it.  I've learn a lot through that experience.  I'm not sad or anything, but I feel like I'll grow more if I just communicate to others, and this is a start.

If you're reading this, that means you've read what I had to say and you reached the end of the letter (if you read like normal people do from top to bottom, beginning to end... you Master at English people probably read some special other way but nonetheless)... so thank you!  I hope all is well, and that you're continuing to be a great role model for everyone, and an inspiration to people like me.

Thank you so much for everything and I hope to hear from you if you're not too busy,

-*****

Edit: On second thought... maybe not. I would like to know if she read it, but I hope she wouldn't respond or anything. Sigh. I want school to start already.

in my natural state...

I'm finally shedding tears.  Did I force my tears out?  I'm not crying for anyone but myself, and I hope that I understand that it's all my fault.  I thought we were on the same page.  We probably were.  But just different books.

My heart felt like it touched the clouds.  Not only felt, but it did.  It touched the clouds, the soft clouds, and my heart felt at peace.  It was comfy.  My heart says the clouds were comfy.  Every single day, I was happy.  I think that's pretty rare.  For someone like me.. to look forward to life.  I was so psyched up, I was going to wait til I start my classes.  Work my ass off, get a job, get money.  For what purpose?  To go there and cheer her up.  I was going to have so much confidence walking around in school, walking around in this world, knowing that my heart was at peace, and my future was sealed... because I had her.  That I figured out all I wanted in life is for someone to love me and for me to love her.  That's how I felt.  I felt I was at a mature phase in life, and that God has decided to give me a break, and just lay things out there for me.  Fuck, I was skeptical about this at first, and I knew I still should be, but fuck, I fell for it.  And I'm so stupid.  So fucking stupid.

Little did I know that it would hurt like this.  How the fuck didn't I see that it would ultimately come to this.  She doesn't know me, I've always felt that she doesn't truly know me, although I've felt I truly know her.  My  hearts in free fall, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.  I can't wait... it was so high up there, on those clouds... in a little or long while, perhaps it will be a long fall since it took a long time to get that far up... I can't wait til it hits the bottom, and I'll be back where I started.  Hopefully it gets smashed when it hits the bottom. That way I'll never open my heart.. my eyes, or any senses to feelings like these again. Fuck.  I want to shed more tears, it's bringing comfort. Fuck.  I also want to talk to her right now... I want her to talk to me... I should sleep so I can talk  to her before her classes start, but then again, it's reminding me that she's waking up early today to meet up with the guy she likes who isn't me.  Fuck.  But it's okay.

Everything's going to be okay.  Everything's going to be okay.

No it's not.  Just lost motivation to do anything at all.  But it will be okay in the morning.  Everything will be okay in the morning.  Everything will be okay in the morning...

She'll still be there, and she'll still be my friend, right?  That's all that matters, right?  Her presence, and that she still likes talking to me, right?  That's all that really matters.. I'm happy that she's still in my life.

And with that, I can breathe a sigh of relief.

ahh fuck.

I can't leave. LOL pathetic.

But I can't help but think what would come of me when they get into a relationship.  What am I going to be?  I know I just want to be her friend, but I just can't help but think...would she still talk to me... would she hide things from me?  Wished I was more confident to do something.  But it is what it is.  I've experienced hurt before, and I can experience it again.  Just hoping I don't bring emotions of desperation with me to someone else during a conversation... just gotta be strong!  If I genuinely do like her, I'd stick around, and for some reason, I am sticking around.  I can't help but feel insecure about a few things.  What if I'm just one of the other hundred guys she talks to.   I shouldn't think too much about it and just enjoy her friendship for now, right?  But what if my nature of clingyness gets in the way.  I know how clingy I can be...

LEONINE HORSE ( http://www.usbridalguide.com/special/chinesehoroscopes/Horse.htm )
These people are creative, strong willed and vivacious. They are self-confident and motivated to accomplish their goals. When they fall in love, they are truly blind with it, allowing it to consume them.
When they fall in love, they are truly blind with it, allowing it to consume them.

When they fall in love, they are truly blind with it, allowing it to consume them.

When they fall in love, they are truly blind with it, allowing it to consume them.

This.  Happens.  To me.  For a fact, this is what happens to me.  Knowing this, I should be able to control it and not over do it like I did... my hormones calmed down, right?  This will not happen, but I'll stay.  I will go down with this shit.  I won't put my hands up and surrender.  There will be no white flag above my door.

Shit... or is it only because I want to believe in fairy tales... or create an epic love story.  Maybe that's the reason why I was so hurt... it ruined my vision of a perfect love story.  But this kinda just makes it a whole lot interesting... so I'll stick around.

I just have to keep in mind, how my pain translates to my confidence.  I'm prepared. And I have to keep in mind, that everything will go okay. I just have to be consistent with my character.  The only time a man can cry is when it's all over.  

Hmm I don't know.  I feel okay talking to her now, I just hope this feeling of comfort and easiness will last long. But it feels like I'm not giving out hints at all... or maybe I've overdone it?  Shit!  Supposed to be her friend though, but I don't want to get hurt either!  Relationships with people are so complicated. 

nevermind.

Nevermind.  I can't leave yet.  That's just being a coward... because of what I might  do.  I'm old enough to control myself now, I hope!  So I'll still be here, just hoping that I won't cause any trouble.

But I still want to go on a trip somewhere.  I might edit this later, I don't like short entries like this on a site like this.  So, here's a picture of Geno, Gaz, and Mallow.

goodbye.

I have felt a horrible selfish premonition, ever since she started University.  That she will change, and will eventually move on from me.  Was that my final goodbye?  It was always me thinking that she would be the one to leave, because of what I do.  But I'm beginning to think that she wants to leave.  I developed feelings for her of course, and that's when it started to bug me.  I don't want to hold her back. She's better off growing without me. She will be doing things, and I'll be here screaming no in my head... that's definitely bad for both of us.  I don't want to see it, so I'll avoid it. I've been so gullible believing everything she says.  We'll drift apart.  We definitely will.  Especially with me like this, I can't keep this up.  I'm getting tired.  Or maybe things will be better for me when my classes start. Or maybe I just need a break.

I need to get away.  Somewhere far where I can stay for a bit.

Therefore, it'll be me.  I'm taking my leave.  I'm being selfish in not wanting her to change, and that's not what love is.  Love is not selfish, and loving is learning to let go, right?  The past summer we've spent together, late night chats, stalking people, looking for things... all of that is done in the past, and I feel that I can't live up to that anymore.  She's moving on, and I'm going to be staying the same.  She's just like me.  I actually think I really do, deep down inside that I want to go out with friends and experience fun things.  I believe I still have the stay at home genes along with me, but I feel its not appropriate at my age.

All I can say is, to myself, Thanks for everything!  Maybe we'll meet again in ten years.  We might be completely different people, or maybe I've caught up to your level. And maybe then we can pick up where we left off.

Of course I'm not going to ignore her or anything.  She'll contact me, and I'll answer.  But if I'm not there, there will be no reason to contact me.

movie ideas !

Today in church, as usual, Father Bart talks (I say talk, because he's like just a normal friend, down to Earth)... talks but its still a homily, but I'll call it talk, was about, in a nutshell, innner beauty.  "God" was all about being beautiful, and that reflected to us, and we're supposed to bring out the beauty from within.  That's basically what he was saying.

HOWEVER.  I was thinking something different.  It was an epiphany.  I had two actually, second one I'll get to you in a second.  But first, BLOCK BUSTER HIT MOVIE IDEA, involves growing up and the psychology of children.  In a perfect world, much like communism, children are brought up without fairy tales (even without stuffed animals and toys) and are exposed to exactly what reality is right now.  Thus as children, they study head on to what the real world will be like (science, money). Teaching them, to grow up, get a job, work to support the family, and all will fall to place and they'll be happy.  But as they're growing up, at an older age, in college, they learn about fairy tales, thus the growth of spirit, and the ignition of exploration occurs within themselves as they see that fairy tales reflect their inner most beauty, thus creates a huge ass Renascence of some sort.  And with that... things start happening.  Well, the concept seemed good this morning, I just came up with the foundation or whatever, but I think its a good start for a big hit movie.

My second idea, which occurred to me as I was eating my pizza at Costco, was a simple story idea that involves a recluse child, who loves nature and all other organisms except for one, the Human.  He loved the environment so much, that he found a big threat to it, which is humans themselves.  Thus he begins a rampage of destruction, hating humanity, obliterating everything in sight that is man made, or man with his huge ass laser tank, but loving the differences, which is nature (bugs, bacteria, trees, endospore, animals).  That is... until he falls in love.  He meets this girl, who is trying to court this high class swagged out mothafuckah.  Things happen, and he gets rejected, which causes him to eventually either to kill the girl and continue destroying human society, or take his own life away, since he realizes that he is a virtuous person who "keeps his word" no matter what.  He decides to kill himself, and the girl actually had feelings for him.  After the rejection, she slowly begins to fall for him, as the guy decides to kill her last and destroy everything slowly.  In the end, he kills himself though, and the girl ends up with the swagged out bitch, and its the end.

I'm going to play Mario and Luigi Superstar Saga now. Fawful's dialogue is intriguing me to play it:

 "I am here, laughing at you! If you are giving us the chase, just to get your silly princess's voice, then you are idiots of foolishness! Princess Peach's sweet voice will soon be the bread that makes the sandwich of Cackletta's desires! And this battle shall be the delicious mustard on that bread! The mustard of your doom!"

So silly, I love dialogue like that!  Reminds me of Flay from Mana-Khemia, and anything Phoenix Wright related.

I feel happy today too.  My dad said that I was a good kid, coming from him, I felt good about myself.  He trusts what I do, and it made me happy, though it shouldn't, maybe if I didn't grow a little I wouldn't have felt happy because he still called me a "kid".  It also just so happens, DFD released a new song the day before, and it relates to me somehow.  My favorite line, being" promised that I would never grow up and be him, but I never grew up at all," I've always tried to find flaws in him I guess, since he was money seeking, such a good dad spending time with my bro and I, staying cool, never getting mad, telling stories, jokes.  Plus, he does gardening, and takes care of nature and shit.  He never showed signs of pain, but now I know.  He's a man, and that's what we do.  We don't show that we're in pain, and we're cool.  Why the fuck didn't I see that?

Anyways, about the DFD song,"Growing Young".  It's a really good song. Because of that, it had some kind of butterfly effect combined with everything that has been happening for now, so now I know my motivation, and I understand society a little better as well, in ways that I can't really say, but I just know.

holy fucking shit.

I didn't think she was like that.  I didn't think she was STUPID. And I didn't think I was stupid.  Shit, I am stupid even though I'd like to think I'm smart, I know I'm stupid. Shit, why the fuck did I say that shit, holy shit, what the fuck, the fucking scared words.  I fucking said it. To HER. SHIT!!! HOLY SHIT I FEEL STUPID.  One of the worse feelings to ever feel is feeling STUPID.

But whatever, I'm done.  This is why I'm a loner, social recluse, I guess, I don't like associating myself with the world I refuse to believe.

Time to soak my sorrows in Xenogears.  It was nice though, this summer.  Though unfulfilled, it just confirmed my distrust in this world, and who my true friends are.

Now I need to focus, and get my mind into gear.  What's important to me are: family.  My future spouse would have been it, but I guess now's not the time for me. Strange enough though, it doesn't hurt at all.  I haven't shed a tear for her, I wonder if she would count as one of those.  ... NAH, probably not, maybe I've just grown, and you become more immune to bullshit as you grow up.  More immune to fairytales.  That's why fairytales are for kids.

Well, the fairytales for adults I guess would be science fiction, because it feels real, and is entertaining, so XENOGEARS IT IS.  But for now, Pump MEE up.

I'm not going to fall in love right now, I'll still wait for it to come to me. But fuck, knowing me and how I get close to other people, it's not going to happen anytime soon!

Her honestly was nice though, for a change.

Edit:  I wonder what would have happened if I said, STOP BEING STUPID, YOU HAVE ME, AREN'T I ENOUGH?!?! Or maybe not.  I don't know, I think I still need to grow though.  If I'm going to say something like that I have to really mean it, which would be when I'm fully secure about myself. 

feeling so hurt right now.

But I'm sure after this, I'll be okay.

I've experienced this before.  And I remember it quite vividly.  I remember how I felt, not much so of the events. I've tried crying earlier, but tears wouldn't come out.  But I would have liked to cry.

I feel so hurt, and I fear that I'll lose her as my friend. But I have to remember that "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." I expected this to happen. The distance that we have, but I planned this a long time ago. If something like this happens, she'll eventually move on, and I'll be here.

But it's okay. I'll be here. I won't be scared this time, and get mad, or run away. I won't leave her. Unless she leaves me.

 But what if she expects me to get mad? I won't get mad even if my gut tells me.

I feel like going into another social online recluse mode. It just came so fast and hurt me so much. I'm lucky to live in the mountains where I can see the clouds. Gives me a visual picture of how small and fragile everything in this world actually is. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm a spectator now.

"So that's what it would've been like if I was social."

I think I would have felt happy. But no, my area won't allow me to go late at night and have fun, nor do I think if I do, I won't really enjoy it. I've been always the social outcast unless I'm with people who I connect with, and even then, I'd feel like I don't belong with them.

But what if it happens...

 If she does distance herself, and I float by, I have to make sure that I'm going to see her, which will require effort. I don't think she's the type to distance herself though, and if she suddenly became like that, then that's expected.

 And thus, I do feel much better. I just have to stay strong, right? That's what being a man is all about, right?

quick notes- preparing for school and being realistic.

I'm getting old.  It's time to learn from my mistakes and know what I really want.  But before figuring that out, I think its vital that I have some basis in my life, meaning, that I can take care of myself without my parents.  That means I have to be working.  I'll start practicing that path by studying first before getting the job, and after re-watching one of my favorite dramas, I've took notes on how I can utilize my wasted 22 years of life on studying techniques.

Studying techniques, memory trees (includes drawings), remembering by associating with familiar things.  I must keep in mind that my only obstacle are my feelings.  Listen to lectures, and repeat it in my head or by just following my mouth.  Read the textbook, skim it, read it, look at figures, reread my notes.  Read on breaks.  Read, read read.

Its a fact that math should be done in the morning, I guess problem solving in general is good in the morning, thus I'll do any problem solving work that needs to be done when I wake up or after a rest.   Simple writing is the best kind of writing, but I also have to have a more concrete thesis, and not choose a very broad topic to write about.  Breakfast is also needed for the nutrients to supplement my genius, though not required.

Then I have to know my weakness.  My weakness is temptation.  I guess that's too broad, but sometimes I can't control myself, which is watching some videos, wanting to clean, wanting to eat certain things.  I have to make it a habit to resist them.  I should also put friends behind me, unless its my girlfriend or girlfriend to be.  They'll be fine without me, and even if I help them, its probably not genuine.  Maybe I really do help people so I can feel better about myself, because it shows that I'm capable of doing something that they can't, but I shouldn't help people if they do not ask for it. Unless I don't have anything else to do.

I have to remember to be consistent as well.  "Guard my concentration capacity."

I should also make friends and rivals.  I think studying with other loner people, being the leader in some group, sounds like fun or would be fun.  Especially if my group has good looking people in it.  I should try to find a group like that.  But of course I have to have confidence in myself, and put in the effort to be good looking so I can highlight my good looks even more.

Okay, I think I'm ready.  I need a job though.  And I think I'm determined to major in Bio to become a Clinical Laboratory Scientist.  After that... I don't know, maybe I can do other things, but for now, I need my degree.

My fingers hurt and the sound of my typing is starting to hurt my ears.

Edit:  Another one of my weaknesses is asking for help.

trapped in a maze.

I'm back to where I started, I think.

I'm second thinking about this Clinical Laboratory Scientist thing.  Knowing me, I'll switch again.  Just thinking about it, and the images formed in my mind about it just look so bleak.  Looking at microscopes, analyzing it, sampling whatever.  No team work, no attention, no building of character... just another job.  That's what it looks like.  Am I really interested?  Maybe, I'm interested in how things formed and such, but I don't feel the passion and drive...

Maybe the drive and passion doesn't have to be that strong.  Maybe it never was that strong in the first place.  I've always looked at life as doing it with all your heart and all that, like sort of being possessed in a way... maybe this is what MapleStory did to me.  Everyday I'd wake up early til I pass out to level up my character.  Was that really passion or was I just sick?  But those days, eight years ago, I felt alive in a way because I really looked forward to doing something like that.  Maybe it was just my lack of being close to civilization all these years because MapleStory and the internet opened up doors to other people's lives, friends, I had finally had friends which I didn't have to go through the hassle of telling my mom and stuff.

What do I really want, I don't know.  Maybe these results come from overexposure of the media, or just from society in general.  I'd like to think I'm okay.  Is everyone like this?  Pretending that they're okay, when they're really not?  Just a few months ago I didn't care about anything at all once again.  My life felt like it was going downhill, but I did feel some comfort at times, but overall, it wasn't heading in the direction I really wanted it to.

 So far it feels as if my life is just a waiting game.  Waiting for the moment, waiting for her computer to be fixed so I can talk to her, waiting for her to break up with her boyfriend, waiting for her to like me, waiting for things that will never come.. waiting for another epiphany, waiting for friends to call me, waiting until I feel comfortable driving, waiting for school, waiting waiting waiting for next year... most of these waitings involve "hers".  But now there's only one thing that I'm really looking forward to waiting for, and that is seeing what she's all about.

If I wasn't exposed to anything, would I really be worried about anything?  Back then, there wasn't much, just friends and family probably, and school and work right in front of you.  I could have just school in front of me.  Now you have all these quotes with famous high status people telling you what's good for you, whats healthy, how to be successful, how to cope with anything.  The definition of success.  Other people in the world comparing you to them.  It just feels as if all these things are just not important.  I don't even know what I'm trying to say... I just want to shut my ears, eyes, and feelings.  Maybe I really do want to be a robot and work with whatever.  Maybe its because I want to be resistant to thinking about what other people think.  I don't know anymore, but I feel best when I'm talking to someone who isn't breaking down every word that I say, and that's where I want to be... I guess I just want to feel comfortable.  I don't know.

The next few days should be focused on connecting the dots.  Though I think about it regularly, it brings me comfort, but also more confused, so maybe I shouldn't connect the dots.  I did it before though, but there was an error... I can't be a teacher, there's just no jobs, and my family looks like they're not supporting me.  I don't think I can have the motivation for it either.

 Or maybe... I never really had a stable friendship, or a friendship where I can be myself and feel comfortable, and be able to talk about anything and communicate really well.  Maybe that's what I needed all along.  I should just work on being a better friend. ... And then what, maybe I'll learn how friends stab you in the back.