It's Like I Died

And I watched my mom grieve for me...

It's a weird feeling...

but it also means that I cannot kill myself.  I won't kill myself.

I can't live in the moment.

When I think about how ephermeral everythign is, I can't help but start crying, especially when I just realize it at that moment, that I'm thinking that that moment will never come back... being mindful isn't working... I can't enjoy the present... I just end up crying.

My first thirty years of life is living life as it is inspired by art...

I think my next thirty should be about how my art is immitated by living...

...so I guess it just neutralizes and if I kill myself nothing would matter anyway.

Wow, I actually did have friends looking back..

Maybe I just never felt that way because I never felt real when I spoke. 

I think I changed a bit after 2010 maybe.  Or around January 2016.

I made my mom cry yesterday.  She really doesn't want me to kill myself, even after she's gone.

Grr Glenn, grr says Cyrus.

I hate people way too quick...

So I had essentially unlimited McDonalds...

I have all the games I wanted pretty much...

Had thought something was this thing but it's really not all that...

Yeah, too much in excess makes everything boring...

I lived a good life.

I feel like I can never live in the moment, and that I always look forward to the times when I can look back at moments. So in that case, I probably wouldn't mind at all if I just get fake memories inplanted on me.  It's not like I look forward to the future anyways.

During these times I am kinda glad that "the leaders of the world" care more about life than money. Hashtag faith in humanity.

I am going to abandon my video game hobby...

I am way more than 1/3rd done with life... it's too time consuming, and the only games I remember are the games I played when I was ten.  And the games I do actually play are all sequels and remasters, or a game with a few add-ons...AC:NH,  P5Royal, FFVIIRemake, Trials of Mana, XB Definitive, they are all games with bases I have already covered pretty much, and some of it changed for the worse... I'd rather replay what I have.

If I do play games, it would be replaying something, something from my backlog, or a co-op game...

Only because of my mortality, it just doesn't make sense to keep continuing this and not remembering my experiences.

The people who are making games are now probably younger than me... and yeah, I am just a bitter old man.  You kids get off my lawn!

When I was an adolescent, I've always dreamed of being dead.

I still dream of being dead today.

Maybe it's a heroic death.  There's a kid walking down the street, a truck barrels its way up, I push the kid out of the way and I get mowed down by the wheels...

Or I take a whole bottle of salicylate tablets and gulp it down, washing it down my esophagus with Mountain Dew.

Or I straggle myself with a tournequet.

Or I use an Ace Wrap to hang myself from the top of my stairs.

Or I lie down on my bed and never move to eventually die of starvation, or an infection from a pressure ulcer. 

There are many ways to accomplish a dream.  People take different paths, and can end up in the same destination...

I think I'm just too lazy to kill myself.  A mixture of being too lazy and too fearful.

Yeah, I am in no position to kill time right now.  Oops!

I probably will end up killing myself before I turn 30.