why

This morning, I felt so ... I don't know what to call it.  But I felt like sleeping and never waking up. Sometimes, I feel like I'm myself when I feel depressed.   I may even like depression.  Like as in a start of love.  It might not be depression, it might just be me.  I am so accustomed to that feeling, so when I feel it, it feels like it's me, and I feel at home, when I'm so close to feeling to kill myself.  I feel honest. Am I trying to be so fascinated with everything when I'm not?  Because I'm not getting any better on those things I "find" fascinating, like education and literature or whatever.  How do I know if I'm doing okay anyway.  And after thinking like this, I feel so stupid, so I revert back to shooting baskets, or playing a video game.  Or something... maybe looking at the mirror.  Or cleaning my room.  Or sitting in the back being mesmerized by my organization structure of my room.  Or repeating videos on youtube.  What should I do?

I want a sofa instead of a bed.  I see myself in an apartment, sleeping on the couch.  Living with just a computer.  And I'll be going to the library often.  But I'm sure so many people will be against it, and I'll be against it as well, since other people are against it and I do mind what people think about me, especially if they are people who have been in my life for a long time, and will be forever.

"Live not to be successful, but to be of value." Albert Einstein.

I think I'm only good at tutoring kids.  But what if I tutor them so well, that when they grow up, they go to an IVY league school, become one of those CEOs and end up sucking up the money from the poor?!?!  Sigh, there's always side effects to everything. Eating, heart attack.  Loving, competition.  Friends, disappointment.   There's no end.  So I guess I'm missing something.

Is public opinion on love, and "the good" all originating from the media?  What influences what "love" should be, and what influences what "good" should be?  And even if it's influenced that way, does it matter?  Feelings don't matter.  Opinion doesn't matter.  These things shouldn't matter.  But to me, it does.