I think we only get mad at things we could have changed. 

And that's when I think about her.

I think I'll move on once society feels like a better escape from her.

But for now, the pain of holding on is less painful than what's out there.  I think it's generally an unhealthy way of thinking, but it just feels so natural.

Weird Dream

I had another weird dream.  It was between 2:30am to 4:30am, but that does not mean anything.  Nothing means anything anyway so I don't know why I'm saying that something should mean something because saying that implies that it should mean something even though it probably means nothing at all.

But between that hour, it means that the dream happened sometime between 2:30am to 4:30am.  I don't know why my mind decided to dream about what I dreamed but it did.  Maybe dreams help us remember things to reveal the connection of all events in our lives, because it's all connected.  Shapes us who we are I guess.

Sorry for the digression. You want to know what my dream was of.  And, I shall...

It was evening.  It felt like those long road trips and you stop at a gas station.  But, at night, it's getting darker, because well, it felt like it was evening.  Maybe it was actually morning but the dream portrayed it as evening.  Well, I was sleeping at 2:30am-4:30am so technically it was really morning.  But the dream looked like it was evening, so please picture it as evening.

Sorry again.

I went inside a market.  I felt that it was Safeway, so it is Safeway even though it isn't.  So I enter Safeway, and took an unwrapped toilet paper off the shelf, but I noticed there were only two rolls.  THe one I picked up was smaller than the other one, so I assume that someone actually used this one.  I put it down, and pick up the bigger one, and went up to the counter to pay for it.  Along with the bigger toilet paper roll, I bought bags of bread and some other pastries.  Maybe it wasn't Safeway, but Target.  The cashier was a Filipino lady with short hair wearing a red vest.  So that's why I think it could be Target. Because of her red vest.  I think Target workers wear those things. And then my cell phone rang and I talked to my mom... then the dream got really fuzzy.

I was carrying all the groceries I bought at Safeway orTarget... actually, it could even be SeaFoodcity.  They wear red vests there too, right?  And she was a Filipino lady.  And one of my grocerries was two bags of Pandesal... but whatever.  I drop a lot of groceries on my way to my car, and on the way to my car were these gangster looking people.  They went up to me, and I felt like I knew them.  They warned me about the cops, so I hurried and I felt like I wasn't holding any of my grocerries.  And somehow I had a red car and it was parked in the middle of the road, and I thought "why did I park in the middle of the road" so I get in the car and the keys are like attached to the chair.  I didn't have the keys when I went in.  So I enter the car, take the keys from the chair, and drove... the car was stick shift, and I don't know how to drive stick but I drove it anyway figuring out how to drive it in the process

.... and then some weird voices and flashes of memory flashes in my mind and I wake up.  The end.

Such a weird dream, and now I procrastinated enough.

Canadians

"OTL" is hella Canadian.  I only seen two people who use that and they're both Canadian.  Therefore it's hella Canadian.

"Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself."

Damn damn damn damn damn.

Don't be arrogant.
Don't be arrogant.
Don't be arrogant.
Don't be arrogant.
Don't be arrogant.
Don't be arrogant.
Don't be arrogant.

It's like my mustache grows faster everyday now, and I have to shave every two days.. maybe by next year or two, I'd have to shave every day.  fauuwwwWk... kes.  I think I want to read Harry Potter again.

And it Dawned on me

You know how there is usually an overcover to an allegory in any epic story?  Like, MAGIC, Witches and Wizards in Harry Potter, NINJAS, in Naruto, GIANTS in Shingeki no Kyojin.  The stories are not about Magic, or Ninjas, or Giants but the stories themselves have a greater meaning... WELL, I'VE COME UP WITH ONE EPIC OVERCOVER THEME.  AND IT'S MERMAIDS.  I'm going to write THIS EPIC MERMAID STORY.

Ah fuck, nevermind, just did my research and there can only be female mermaids.  Man mermaids are gross anyway.  Unless... nah.  BUT... Trident combos, whirlpool attacks, Blitzball... but ew, when there's water and humans, that means there must be naked people.  I want my story clothed... dammit!  I was so excited to start this too.

Super Defensive Thinker

I wonder if there's a person who ALWAYS thinks:

If this person asks me this, I'll tell them this

If this person asks me why I'm doing this I'll say this

I'll say this if that person asks me this

When they ask me when I'll say this

And so they come up with premeditated responses..

Is it some kind of disorder to think that?  Or do normal people actually think of this, and that's how their conversations go so smoothly?

I could finally breathe... feeling so relieved right now.  Moments like these come once every two years.

Love Cycle

When my mind does not think it loves you, my heart will
When my heart does not feel the love for you, my mind will

17 mins her bday in 17 minutes.  Her bday on supercounters at least...

Beautiful Man

On BART reading on the train. The view looked like a perfect Instagram photo I could have taken, if only I had Instagram. A view of my opened book, and the seat in front of me. To the side, the beauty of the sun emitting heavenly light. The feelings the light reveals in this horizon can only be felt in a few minutes. As soon as the sun rises to the top, the feelings change. This view of the early morning horizon shelters the city from the external darkness, but not the internal darkness in our hearts. Yes, it is definetely morning.

To the seats in front of me, I notice something different. It's a Beautiful Man. I see Men all the time in their seats, but I really noice this one. But I did not stare at him. I just caught an outline of him in a split second while my eyes were on its way to glance at the door. Oakland Coliseum. This is Oakland Coliseum, the train conductor announces.

In that instance however, I could remember what I noticed about him. Shades. I didn't see him. I didn't look into his eyes. But I felt he was wearing shades. Blade shades that cover his eyes completely. Shades showing his ability to look at everything conspicuously by rolling his eyes, without moving his head to achieve a glance. Shades that cool people wear. Shades like Stevie Wonder. And woah, was this man a wonder. He could even be sleeping. His arms were crossed. His legs spread out. His neck was fat, so I couldn't tell if his head was tilting downward or facing forward, but still, regardless, his head was in perfect posture. A gorgeous head.

Exquisite neatly symmetrical beard. It was no Santa Claus, but he had one. Was it shaven? Maybe a little bit. I could have looked at him again, but my anxious nerves refuses to. I'm listening to my music, pretending to read my book but imaginging what the book is about. All at the same time marveling at this beautiful man. I imagine him with a red cap.

I glance in the quick 1/10000 second noticing how the sunlight's rays reflects his hand. What a beautiful hand. A beautiful hand for a beautiful man.

He had a woman. A beautiful man with a woman all enhances his attractiveness. His beautiful hand grasps tightly the top of her hand, signalling it is time to get up, and go. To work? To the airport? The Oakland Coliseum is also the exit to the airport. The possibilities of the next few hours in their lives are endless. This is Oakland Coliseum afterall. But man, did his Beautiful Man hold her hand! Yes, man, yes motherfucker, hold her hand. Grasp her hand and never fucking let go. Hold it to your heart, bitch. Hold her fucking hand til death devours your soul. Hold her fucking hand for all eternity. Let love last forever. Let us define love. Only can a group of people; only the human species as a whole can define love. Let the illusion of love exist.

The sun was already up by the time the couple left the train.

Dammit! my emotions are so fking obvious..

I think I blog because... I think I'm dying, or going to die soon.

When I die, I won't think anymore.. and my body chooses which of those thoughts to type... so this is my thought sanctuary I guess?  Maybe that's why I keep a blog and I try to capture as many feelings, attempting to record and describe that "heavy emotion" (I think the Japanese have a word for this...)  Is it because the thought of dying is why we have to "progress" by writing or even talking everything out?

Why I feel like such a failure

I never have one of those days where I do everything I wanted to so orderly and perfectly.  I never have a real day like in Harvest Moon, when you feed all your chickens, milk all the cows, hold the dog, drop the items in the shipping bin,  give flowers to get a green heart, and just fish for the remainder of the day.

Or maybe I'm such a failure because I'm comparing it to a friggin video game.  And video games are just that.

-

Sometimes I think it's better to watch normal people doing everyday things than watching those in television, or reading about them in a magazine... actually maybe it's always better.

It should be okay if I get all anxious, it's a natural part of me, and I should be okay if it happens to me.  The more the better actualy so I can get used to it when it actually starts happening... but I'm still scared of it happening to me.

HOLY FUCK

So I was on Facebook and I creeped up on all the friends I deleted and WTF SOME ARE MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES?!?!?! ALREADY?!?!?!?!

I think I can only talk to her when she was sad... when she's happy, she really doesn't need me. And I feel that she doesn't need me.  Well, she seems happy, and I guess it's time for me to seriously start moving on...  it's been this way for awhile.  I've just been super stupid.

I honestly don't believe that I care what other people think of me.  It's just that I'm anxious about being anxious.  I don't want my voice to start to shake again, nor do I want to share things that I half-ass'd. At least, from all of this, I can advance mentally instead of always retracting or staying the same.  What I learned was to always prepare.  Preparation is the most important in building confidence, and to prevent situations that I know I don't want happening.  Now if only I can just... engage in preparing then I'm all good.  But procrastination feels so much more natural... ah.

I think I have this disorder.  It's called Essential Tremor.

I really can't control certain situations... just two days ago, I was randomly chosen to read my thesis for a paper, and I couldn't speak at all, I felt I sounded retarded, or really wimpy and fobby, but I couldn't control it... thinking back, it happened to me serveral times.  In Microbiology, I failed pippeting into this tube because my hands wouldn't stop shaking.  I was teaching one time, and my hands started shaking, and my voice shakes... gahh this is so embarrassing.

I did a little research though, and it says what I already know: reducing sugar, getting more sleep, and excercising regularly. Also, I think I truly do need more exposure.  Exposure around people, and just talking more.  Having friends definitely helps, but it's overwhelming (I had TWO friends in ONE day yesterday).  It's all because I'm scared.  It's fear.  (Or did my anxiety come before fear?)  All I can do now is prepare... I just want to stop shaking and stuff and once I get past my fears I think I can be super cool.

Feels so weird having two friends a day...

One thing I noticed about almost all the protagonists in Murakami's novels is how they're... fearless.

Charles Darwin's Diary Entry

"My will and reason were powerless against the imagination of a danger which had never been experienced."

How's This

She's more sensitive than me, so it's my fault. 

But... how do we measure sensitivity anyway?!?!  

Dammit!

My professor said it.  He said my million dollar idea that I thought only I had.  I thought I was a genius of thinking it, but I guess not.

The thought was how we're limited as a species because of our language.  There is only so much you can do if you only think in words.

But a professor thought this!  And I thought of this too! So... maybe it's not that bad after all.  At least I'm not alone in my thoughts and people actually think the same things I do.

What if it was written in books a long time ago though, but I just haven't found it out.  What if all thoughts I have were already in books, what's the use of thinking if I could just read.  Oh yeah, I think because I'm too lazy to actually do anything.

This Girl: A Superficial Analysis

Rewind to last quarter. I met this girl through group work in a math class. She laughs at me and has the same kind of humor as me. She even says that I’m funny and she likes the way I think ohohoho. Sometimes I hope that having the same humor would mean we would be interested in the same things. Video games, books, and what not. But she likes shopping and going out. Maybe if I wasn’t exposed to my games and books at a younger age in another life, I would be interested much more on shopping and… maybe not tattoos because in my opinion, it looks like smeared bird shit from afar. Anyways the point is, we can laugh together, and I feel comfortable messing with her.

Fastforward to this quarter. I think she’s cute. I think she’s the most attractive girl in the class, and the class consists of 95% women. She’s half Filipino too! She seems to be the only active girl in my life as of now… (a week ago would have been different. A year ago would be completely different). The thing is though, I’m not attracted to her. Maybe for a day I was, but I’m not right now. A day,because of how she looked at me at that time, and I couldn’t get it out of my head until I went to sleep, and the sun went up (and then I am reminded of who I really really really like).

While talking to her, I have to either avert my gaze, or look directly at her eyes. I am forced to look directly at her eyes because of the cleavage. She visibly closes her coat tighter over her cleavage when we’re talking. At this point, I’m looking directly into her eyes, however I feel that I’m forced to look at her cleavage, because that particular movement is what stands out. Like the look at the black dot on a big clean sheet of white paper test. The whole scene is still except for our mouths moving when we’re talking, then she lifts her hands and closes the cleavage closer part of her coat, so of course I feel that I’m forced to look at the cleavage, even though I’m not looking directly at her cleavage. However, I successfully avoid looking at the cleavage by focusing my eyes directly at her’s.

It was mandatory to look at her eyes. If I don’t look at her, I’ll be turning my head the other way, and she’ll be thinking “lol, you not looking at me because of my cleavage” Btw, I notice myself squinting a bit, I think I’ve developed a habit of squinting when I’m talking to a person. Anyways, about her eyes… her eyes are always glowing and shiny… is it a new kind of eye make up or are they those eyes? The eyes that just scream “I want you!”? Why do I think this? If she does eventually ask me out and I say yes, I think I’d only like her, and to be with her just for show, because of her looks. I think we’re both getting to the age when we’re both serious about everything though, but really. She likes shopping… I don’t want to spend all my securities (my money) on clothes for her and stuff like that. I just see myself in the future trying to convince her to like the things I like (would be very dope if she did actually) but I like someone else (who I’ll probably never talk to again… it hurts, and maybe I shouldn’t get hurt anymore by making myself like this one?). And she wears slippers. Ew! Not only that, but wears the combination of jeans and slippers. Slippers are okay with a skirt I guess, or shorts. But jeans and slippers… ew! Ew feet.

She’s telling me to take these two other classes with her next quarter. And there’s really no problem, just felt like writing about it. Lucky friend girl of mine, earning an immortal spot on my Tumblr diary. Our lecturer for the class looks like Ellen Degeneres btw! She even acts like her except she doesn’t dance. She doesn’t dance on the dance floor. She dances on the planes of geometry.

Classes feel so much different with a friend… regardless of anything at all, I am so happy to have a friend in this class, and for future classes.

So I think I kind of like myself now.  But I need to stop eating and drinking sugar stuff because I KEEP SHAKING. WTH.