not this again.

I had a surge of thoughts the last past hour, and I may have lost them all.

Is that heartbreak after depression supposed to last a year?  Was I just that much in "that love"?  Or is it both?  Why is it coming back?  How "in love" were divorced couples before they split?

What will happen if Mr. Grim Reaper takes her... I'm guessing since it's a what if, I'm meant to hold on, yet when it happens, it'll be within true logic, which makes it a reality, enabling the lover to move on.

I'll keep my word.  My new years resolution are these follows:  Avoid caffeine and sugar, and keep my word.

But does it take to not keep my word to become a "success"?  America did it.  They broke every treaty- they broke what they said on paper. That's worse than orally.

Stand up for what you believe in. I think if I do that, I'll be at a peace of heart.  Much better than "success...

If I think it long term... mistakes will repeat.  I will not be getting anywhere. I'll be addicted to MS again.  So it's for the best.  Get my mind off it.  Yup. Dammit.  Can't.

merry christmas eve.

Well that "heartbreak" was ephemeral.

So many people are moving up, and I STILL remain stuck on level 1: Identity.

It looks like the only path I can take now, is to become an education major.  C'mon I can do this.  Don't be intimidated by what others say, and what others have.  Think for only myself.  I know I have to do something, and this is it.  WRAH.  I have to register for this test.  Get my priorities straight. Don't think of pass faults.  Think of how manly I am.  Think of my big strong voice.  Concentrate on what I have to say, and don't make it automatic.

Why am I playing Maple again?  lol.  I guess it's fun, and I can be social!  I just have to mirror what I do there IRL.

I'm thinking of taking a drama class... maybe that wi'll loosen me up. My first said it did for her, perhaps it'll work for me.

I'm getting my first step done really well.  I'm healthy, but I know I can be healthier.

Boo for one in a millionth time, I'm pumped up for life, but it's so late (friggin 4 a.m!).

oh yeah.

i knew something was missing:  i didn't cry lol

...........

can't get depressed now... it took so long for me to lift up... I'm not even completely over being depressed and I'm beginning to fall apart again. more than i was before.

maybe i'm asking for attention.

maybe I need someone.

but whatever it is, i think this means I'm not ready for any relationship if i become like this.

how many more heartbreaks do i need to finally get it?

what's your most principle defect?

Jealousy.  No doubt about it. (wish it was short-fuse though, but I'd be too much like JK)  I get jealous fast, it controls my actions and my impulse.

Just an hour and thirty minutes ago I find out she has a BF.

At least it's over and I can move on.  Or can't I?

Mann the BF is very toned, has a mustache, AND a beard.  WTF.

ANYWAYs, like I knew her.  Next semester I can get to know her I guess regardless of that barrier, I did want to come with my mind stressing on the friendship part.  Maybe she can teach me about drinking and whatever.  But I shouldn't ask her like that straight up because I learned her drinking from a friend who I sent out to scout LOL jk.

one disappointment after another... wtf.

At least JK Rowling would like me I guess because I have morals.  And that means a lot.

dammit!

I didn't have a present for my students.  FUUUUU.  I know what to get one of them, I don't know what to get the other though.

I didn't see her at all today, and I'm hoping that she's single.  I can't find any opening for a connection last time though, maybe she just couldn't hear me and I have to talk louder.  GaaaHH this is going to take a lot of work.  I'm going to work harder on talking, and communicating and whatever.  Most importantly, I have to learn how to relax.  Just say what's on my mind right?  But I can't make it look to obvious.

<3 Fareast Movement FT Keri Hilson- Don't Look Now

trier.

I TALKED TO HER.  FATE FATE FATE.  But then again, fate is never on my side.  WHATEVER.  I wonder how old she is.  I think she's really old but looks really young the more I'm thinking about it, but it's probably just one of those affects of doubt.  And so age shouldn't really matter, but my perspective on how I should act will change according to her age.  I need to find the basis to my character, and eliminate, or at least try to eliminate my defects.

Anyways, yeay motivation to play the piano LMAO.

If she is old though, and I'm acting kiddy... sigh.  Whatever, gotta be myself somehow.  If  she doesn't wear make-up tho and all that, dressing nice, and nice fit and everything, I'm a bit worried now, it increases the chance that she's already taken!  Hella long awkward silences walking with her though.  Need to loosen up, and be whoever I am.

Be her friend.  That is all.  FRIEND.  YUP.  A VERY CUTE FRIEND I'LL HAVE.  I just have to follow it up, and say hi, and say her name as well to make it personalized. Then I think, how the hell did i make friends? this break I'll practice on my communication skills.  I'm so bad, using my friends to gain exp for talking,  FOR A GIRL.

One thing that should make me happy today, is that I established a reason to say hi.  This is making me exciting to become mature... or whatever.  I'll act immature, but I'll take responsibility for whatever happens and I won't complain.  I felt like I sounded like an ass when I talked about myself, but oh well, I feel so fake.  Why is it so hard to befriend people like that?  I'm talking to myself.  So, I think it is because of our maturity levels.  Her's is much higher, and that's all there is to it.  Was it weird for me to ask her how long she's been at this college?  I hope its not.  Man, first impression sucks. I feel disappointed on myself.  She didn't say bye to me, she just left, like she was waiting to leave.  Of course, that's how they are if they're with awkward people.

I need courage.  I need to feel like I can do something.  I need to stop standing still and acting cool when I'm really not.  I know what I need to do, and it's to say something, regardless if I'm nervous or not, my nerves will calm down once I start going.  I need to be like JK.  A trier.

Here's how it went so I won't forget.

I was standing alone.  Listening to my music.  She passed by behind me to talk to the man behind me.  I turned around right away, not thinking, and asking her if she's here to help as well.  She smiled, its a really nice one, a bit different than the smile she smiled when she didn't look at me.  But it was a smile.  Maybe she's not a talker.  Or maybe she just doesn't like me.  Maybe I'm too awkward to be around.  Anyways, I blurted out afterwards, asking if they're both taking piano next year.  She said yes.

We were walking to the other center.  She was walking fast, ahead of me.  I caught up, and we walked together.  We talked about the next level of piano, and how it's different than group 1, though I don't remember how that conversation initiated.  We walked, we split, we walked, she walked to the other side, I was walking on another side.  She was going to follow me, then I change directions like two times.  I hope she doesn't hear me as a mumbler.  I hope I talk loud enough.

We arrived there, she was eating, I did nothing.

Then we helped.

Then we left.

And that was that.

But we were walking together at one point, so I can say hi to her now without feeling like a stranger.

This made my semester.

Mood:  Happy.

this just in.

SHE LIKES TALKING TO OLD PEOPLE. WTF she is perfect, but I missed all my chances LOL.  SHE WAS WALKING ALONE THE WHOLE SCHOOL YEAR.

DAMNIT!! Next time... I can only hope that she's in one of my classes again.

It's just me trying to be funny and entertaining.  I'm not like this, I can do better.  JK is right, it is all courage.  My will to survive is just too strong, I can't kill myself if I tried because I've tried before.  There's just so much stuff behind me that I can't move on too far from them.  If I'm going to live, I have to live the way I want to.

1.  Healthy

2.  Courage

3.  Draw inspiration

4.  Set goals, little by little.

5.  Enjoy, laugh, relax.

she walks too fast.

So my friend was here today as well, BUT SHE WAS PACKING TOO SLOW.  It's my fault though because I didn't tell her to hurry up.  Anyways, I walked ahead of my friend to catch up to CPG.  SHE WAS POPPING GREEN FROM BLACK.  <3 her fashion LOL.  But she was walking... ALONE.  And I was walking... ALONE AS WELL.  But she was walking too fast, I was hesitating a bit hoping my friend could catch up to me but of course that was up to no avail.  So, CPG walked ahead, and I was left behind. HMPH.  SHE IS SO FRIGGIN CUTE.  and I missed my opportunity YET AGAIN.  I HAVE NO COURAGE- omfg the sorting hat would definitely NOT PUT ME IN GRYFFINDOR.

Hopefully she takes the same class with me next semester >< speaking of next semester, Ravel: Pavane pour une infante défunte; ♫ Fauré: Pavane, op 50 #listeningto In a mood for pavanes is tweeted by SARAH ALAINN, and I'll do those for my next listening paper I guess lol

courage.

^ that's what I'm missing...

but when I do something I would call courageous, my mind goes blank, can't think when I'm trying to be courageous lol.

How does courage relate to will-power?

How come my mood fluctuates? How does critical thinking help me with that?!?!?! Motivation motivation motivation.

this sucks.

So it has been about almost four months since I crushed on her.  And now it has been almost three months since I planned on saying hi to her.  And now, the semester is closing in, two weeks left, and one week left of seeing her in my class.  I lost all my chances, and now the only time when I'll say hi is when I am very nervous because final exams are coming up.  It is going to be either a hi and look really dumb or no hi at all, and we will part ways.  There might be a chance that she will end up in a class of mine next semester but the chances are extremely slim.  So, #$#$#@!!!

I fail so bad ):

Not like I knew her, but I missed my chance to know her.  From the outside in a superficial view, I can conclude that she saves money (like no make up, wears the same outfits), dresses nice (nice color coordination, not sure about today though, gray top plus open brown hoodie, but I only glanced for like a second then turned my head really fast so it probably looked nice if I stared longer lol), hard worker (she gets stressed and overwhelmed), good talker, nice smile, KLSJDF:LJS WHYYYY DID I MISS THIS CHANCE.  What if she was like, THE ONE.  But then again, I didn't feel ready because I get emo at random times and my character isn't consistent, and all these negative things about me which are TRUE.  But then again, I will NEVER feel ready, and I know that I never will because I am always seeking self improvement, and seeking this is beyond a life time (stupid but this is how I roll!) DAMMIT T______T

The day I was waiting for, was this concert my class is working on.  I was hoping to talk to her, but today I over heard her talking to the teacher saying she can not make it.  And that was when I fell apart completely.

Depressing day. I need to practice talking somehow.  I am only good at talking to kids, and people who I disagree with (but they end up agreeing with me, so it is like ARGH)

Anyways, my medicine was music which was good. Techno fast beat music.

-

I finished Deathly Hallows.  And THERE WAS AN UNREQUITED LOVE PART LOL.  But it was not with Voldemort.  Frggin Lily and Snape.  I laughed so hard when Ron told Harry that he spoke in Parseltongue.  I could picture Ron hissing randomly.  Kreacher is so awesome.  The book seemed so short, and I miss Hogwarts, as in Harry and friends going to class and such.  But I guess it was a nice way of changing, showing that we students are not in school forever, we move on, on the run! Arianna Dumbledore reminded me of some dark Pokemon who couldn't control her own power.  Forgot which Pokemon it was though that did something similar.  Or maybe it is Gohan and I am thinking Dragon Ball Z.

Watched the Order of the Phoenix movie.  THEY DID NOT HAVE THE SCENE where I cried, when Harry breaks the mirror.  Sigh.

edit: watched JK Rowlings a year in her life, yeay I got one thing right in that her depression inspired dementers!