I feel much more confident in writing now, since I got a 90 in the grammar section of my HESI exam.

I also completed the World of Light mode in Smash Ultimate.  I think I won't write video game reviews after each and every game I play.  I will just write thoughts.

This is the first Smash game to own though.  I missed every entry, I essentially did not own an N64 until way later, I had a SNES for the longest times during my youth.  My dad bought a PS2 rather than a Gamecube for the DVD player actually, so no Meelee either.  Skipped the next generation of consoles, so missed out on Brawl, and I have the White Wii U that can't even make a save file of Smash for Wii U.

But I did play all of them.  My cousin rented it once, so I played the N64 version for like... less than an hour or so.  My friend lent me the Gamecube, Meelee and a bunch of games, so I played that.  Was mostly Kirby and Pikachu.  I remember going to a friend's house for a Physics project and we played that game afterwards.  I won with Pikachu, using cheap long range attacks in this round space stage.  A friend brought Brawl over as well, and I watched him play, but fell asleep during it.  He also lent me the Wii U version, but I did not play it because I could not save the game.

So my thoughts so far in the game are:

-I felt like I appreciated the game much more after watching MatPat's theories on Smash Bros.
-I feel like I should be better at this game since my very first game that I actually beat was Kirby SuperStar and the controls should have been similar.
-I don't like how default for jump is the X button when it should be the B button like in Kirby SuperStar
-Analogue movement sucks, I wish there was an option to use the D pad.
-It reminds me of MapleStory PvP.
-This should be my final video game.
-Wished World of Light had a two player option.  Maybe they will implement it later like Shovel Knight?
-I get really mad when I lose, but the more I play, I don't get as mad.
-I was at 20 hours in World of Light, Day 2 when I had the game.
-I had the game since... Tuesday?  And I think I'm at 50 hours.

Yeah, bring on the successful young people so I can reminded of how old I am..

I really really do need to be reminded.

I think it's easier to talk to people as you get older.  We all share this genuine "what's the point, really" in the back of our minds.  Unless you're a dumbass.

It's probably just stress and anxiety.  I should be studying for this really easy exam, but I'm not.  If this was ten years earlier, I would probably be absorbed in some video game.  I am quickly losing interest in games though... I try to play one game at a time, so right now it's Tokyo Mirage Sessions.  I decided to play this before my interest in idols wane, as  Keyakizaka46 is falling part.  Other than that, I'm trying to finish Dragon Warrior VII on the PSOne.

I'm also reading this other book, or at least tried to... I will force myself to read to the end of the chapter.  I can see how books are written well, but sometimes I just don't care.  Or most of the time actually, I just don't care.

I was thinking about high school a lot too, how I would always think of myself as a loner.  But I wasn't.  I had so many friends, and people out there willing to talk to me... but I just did not know how to interact.  Interactions at home are all filled with inside jokes.  Also, I looked forward to going home all day and everything outside of home really did not matter.  I was too full of self-pity.  I really did had many friends, all I had to do was talk like a normal person, which I am fully capable of.  I was thinking of my past friendships, in high schol or middle school alone, with wonderful interactions I have, and I've counted more than 20.  There was more than 20 people that I bonded with. Or actually, maybe because I always felt myself blushing, and I'd probably turn gay or something.  Becoming gay scared me back then, but I'm not gay because I think about girls.  This one girl isn't talking to me, even though I talk to her a lot, and it's making me feel bad I guess. But it should be understandable because she's in Nursing school.  She wouldn't like me back anyway, I am too unstable for anything.

Yeah, I am bipolar as heck.

Staying home is boring now though.  I miss being around other people. I feel like I'm forced into reflecting on the past.  That's what being alone does to me, forces me to think of everything.

I wasn't at home today though, I actually went out to my dad's goddaughter's Christening reception.  The food was good but I did not think about dessert, so I did not eat dessert.  The baby was cute though, and has a cool name.  Reminds me of Mother 3.

I also tried Maple Story 2.  I don't like the graphics.  The aesthetic of the environment models are nice, it's just the top down perspective.  I see the top of character's heads, especially compared with the first MapleStory, MapleStory just looked a lot better, I could see what's going on.  Also, having no Buddy Chat killed the game for me.  I would want to play the first MapleStory again, but it's just so depressing logging in and seeing all my buddy's names on my buddy list being offline.  The game is also just so different, leveling up is different and solo hunting is no longer optimal. All the numbers popping up in the screen annoys me. All the quests to keep track of, the dailies and events, people running around in Cash Shop gear, equipment enhancements, everything is just annoying in that game. 

Also, why do I still have teenage angst?  I am an old man.  Grrr...

Hmm... and Things I miss in College.

Playing DDR in the morning improves my mood by a lot and has a lasting effect throughout the day.

My top three favorite YouTubers are all in different age groups. Eric Dodson is in his 50s, HCG is in his 40s, Reasonant Arc are in their 30s.

My HESI review book is really thin.

I had this thought that I wanted to write about, but I forgot what that thought was.

The atmosphere is also very... smokey.  From all the fires.  I have this cool Supreme mask that I wear over my regular mask.

I do not think I want the new Pokemon game very much... since I do not play Pokemon Go.  My Switch is not even connected to the TV anymore, my Wii U is connected. Wii U connects to the internet faster and I like it best for YouTube.

There are also a lot of people born in 1991 that have already achieved some of my conceived life dreams.  And I am okay with it, if I see the world as one person, then I have already achieved these dreams.  Or I guess I already achieved these dreams a long time ago.  If my own vessel, me, myself, personally achieved those dreams... it would only be some ego thingie, and the world could actually use less ego thingies.

I like dancing a lot.  When I start making money for myself I think I'll just spend it on Dance workshops.

I remember the thought that I wanted to write about.  It was how I miss University a whole lot.  I probably felt bad the whole time I was there, but looking back on it, I miss it.  I miss staying in the library crying all day in the corner reading Murakami books rather than studying. I miss playing basketball in the wellness center with random people.  I miss listening to my Ipod in the 1 hour shuttle and train rides.

I miss my girl friends.  I miss Kiana, who, when I was having girl problems, told me that "she's missing out" out of the blue.  I miss Lisa, who told me "I like the way you think."  It's like those words mitigated some of my past problems. I miss this Burma girl, who said that "no one thinks like me."  Which I like, because I willfully try to be different. I miss Caroline, who would tell me to talk to her the same way she talks to me.  And even Rose, who was almost my partner for math, and shared her grammar book with me. And the 23 year old half Filipina girl who likes Blake Griffin who worked at a movie theater and said I was her new best friend, and that Bi girl who knocked on the car window and liked Frida Kahlo. And the girl that writes snailmail as a creative hobby with a twin who hugged me.  And Tomoka from Japan who now has a baby who also hugged me. And my chemistry lab partner Miu, who had a funny accent.

I miss my friend friends, Mike, who I would play Pokemon with in his then girlfriend's dorm and gleep a bunch of apples from the cafeteria.  I miss calling Louis to play basketball with him in the gym or just waiting out until our next classes.  I miss Peter, who I would ride with in BART and learn about Zambia in Africa.  I looked deep in his eyes once and felt super gay.  I miss Geary, who would be essentially, one of those friends to just hang out with. Or even Rubin and that other 30 something year old Mexican guy in the back where we would talk about basketball and Pokemon Alphia Sapphire. And lab partner Chen, who would say that he's worried about me. I miss that slobbering random Asian guy in my Genetics class, and the random Chinese people in the basketball court who would tell me "Super shot!" when I make consecutive three's.  And that black guy who informed me about the Rec center.  Yeah, I forgot their names. 

I miss tutoring Randy and Chris, and my supervisor who would tell me that I'm awesome.

I miss going to school and longing to go home. Especially home to my friends Olivia, May, and Kathy, and later on, Steph, in MapleStory PvP.

I miss those random activities in my pre-teaching lessons, like how I was creative enough to come up with the Silent Movie idea, or how my dance choreo looked really cool, or that discussion group in Sarvasy's class, how we had a potluck in the end, or, or, or.. how I was just talking in front of a group of people.  Yeah, I miss that too even though I know I choke all the time.  Maybe it was because I never talk at all throughout the day, and when given the opportunity to talk, in a public speaking assignment, I'm able to just release everything.  It's such a relief feeling just being able to talk in general.

Yeah, I miss talking.  So, I'm going to talk to myself. Talk aloud to myself.  At least, when no one is within 5 meters from me.

Oh, and I miss my CNA program.  I miss...  tutoring Tavia, and how she looks like she's chewing something and how she would get random seizures, and how she would be mean to everyone else except me.  But it kind of scared me when she told me "I was thinking about you all night" but it also made me feel good when she said I was so nice.  And I miss.. I forgot her name, was it Brittney?  Yeah, she told me "Jason, you are inspiring."  And that I was so energetic.  Maybe that's why I decided to choose Nursing.  It's more action based and stuff and it's really in my blood.

College ended around 2014 for me.  I started getting seriously into Nursing late 2016.  For the two years in between I was hikikomori, but I was reading a lot too.

Highlights for 2015... My brother came back from living in SoCal. I missed the New Year's count down. Before that, I was planning to kill myself, but my friend Amy said she's going to SF and could meet me in April, so I though I might as well meet her before I kill myself.  You could say, she saved my life. I think I started it off by playing Persona Q, until late February.  In March I set up the big TV in the living room.  I went on Tumblr a lot, tried to learn League of Legends but watched Twitch.tv instead.  I was reading One Piece.  I played a lot of Xbox DDR.  When April came, I finally met up with my long time friend Amy.  I probably came off as an anxious asshole though.  I watched a lot of Initial D.  I went to AX in July and saw Steph again, hoping I would bump into Jess.  I read Harry Potter again.  I played a lot of Final Fantasy Record Keeper.  I went to San Jose with my brother to his friend's place, where his friend told me he thought I was 12.  I celebrated my birthday with my personal friends for the first time, who are not my brother's friends, Geary and Lydia.   I went on a road trip with my dad and his remaining siblings, north, east, and south.  I tried getting back into MapleStory, playing the limited time Pink Bean class and started again on the Reboot server. After January 2016, I finally ended the annoying pretentious thing with Jess that plagued me for four years.

And then throughout 2016, it was Kpop's GFriend, and then AKB48 all day until I started going back to school in mid- August. Then blah blah blah school, met Nina, Anne Jolene, Tracey, Ariana, Brooklyn, Sundance, Meeka, Raquel, Tenzin, Lauren, and Patricia (and later on El Salvadorean girl) while getting really into Keyakizaka46.  Then blah blah blah played Wii U and SNES Classic, met up with Sarah, and Sophia who I've known for almost ten years at this point but meeting in person for the first time (I don't think she likes me very much), then more school online, along with a lot of cool Video Essays on Youtube... and... Nintendo Switch, and more school with incompetant group mates while harvesting three van fulls of persimmon and watching a Pokemon marathon and here I am.

I just finished the first Xenoblade game yesterday... and just woah, the last few hours of that game is a masterpiece.  But the beginning hours was so boring... I am thinking this Xenoblade had the best ending, Xenoblade X had the best beginning, and Xenoblade 2 had the best middle climatic parts.

You get money to be social.  Money is a social thingie.

I was looking at this list of billionaires, and one of them is a 23 year old from Norway.  I looked through her instagram and she was going for Bernie Sanders.  She also likes the Simpsons a lot.  That's super cute. I did not know billionaires had such heart.

What I've been up to?... ?!?!?...

Pokemon all day on Twitch Tv.
Pathophysiology and Nursing Waiting List Hell.
I got straight As.

I do really well in school when I am not distracted by g1r1.

Now I'm trying to get all I can out of Xenoblade 2.  With Torna and the main game, I played over 300 hours.

You know what?  I do not think I hate life that much.  I just hate The Will to Power.

Some things to ponder

-Resisting stress is stressful
-To relax is to not remember.  Clearing the mind is to not remember, and is the only way to relax...?

Two more hours until the end of my birthday...

This morning, I've tried to recall the highlights of my birthdays from my eighth birthday until now... I did not think about my birthdays before I turned 8, since those were already captured in family videos.

9th birthday- Probably got Pokemon cards.  I remember my family's road trip to Washington and buying an Overgrowth theme deck.  My cousin Karen also got me three Jungle Blister packs from Target, since she worked there at the time.  It was the summer of Pokemon.

10th birthday- I remember Las Vegas.  My cousin Daniel won me a big Bulbasaur plushie.  I also think I got a Pokemon T-shirt from my brother's friend Vashal.  Also, maybe this was the year I was very spoiled and got a pig and M&M plushie... or was that the year before?  My cousin Bryan also lent us the Sega Genesis and Sega Saturn.  Maybe I also got the Misty Pokemon Theme deck around this time.

11th birthday-  This big box of Pokemon Cards... Topps Pokemon Cards as well from Toys R Us. My family was also in the process of moving.  We went to the Flee Market a couple of times this summer.

12th birthday- Went to Legoland, Disneyland, and Las Vegas I think.  Got Legend of Mana as well.  My cousin Bryan was with us, right before leaving for the Navy. I remember him saying 40 bucks for Legend of Mana was expensive.

13th birthday-  Got a GBA SP and Zelda a Link to the Past before going on a trip to Montreal. I remember this because I brought it on the trip with me, and I went to the movies with my cousin Don to see S.W.A.T. and I had to be 13 to see it.

14th birthday-  Got a desktop computer.  I forgot if I got a video game.  I think I was really addicted to the computer at this point, it was the first year I really went online.  I did not play MapleStory yet, but I did download a bunch of anime and tried out Gunbound, on a dial-up connection.

15th birthday-  Got a bunch of stuff, I remember getting a Naruto and Kakashi plush, and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.   Also went to the Philippines around this time.  And Disneyland with the Mok.

16th birthday- Hmm.  Went to the Grand Canyon this summer. I remember my brother graduated high school  too, and I invited Stella, Anthony, Vince, and Kevin to my birthday.  Vince brought his Gamecube over and we sang karaoke.

17th birthday-  I got a Nintendo DS Lite and Pokemon Diamond.  I brought it with me to this cruise to Mexico, and I stayed in the cabin playing it.

18th birthday-  I was trying to finish up Xenosaga Episode III and was sad of how old I was getting.

19th birthday- My friend Sophia rejected me.  Also had a random party with Ingo, Ronnie, uncle Bobby, and Kevin and his mom, but what I temember the most was just staying upstairs with the lights off.

20th birthday- I think this was the birthday where I was full of angst.  I do not remember doing anything, except probably yard work with my dad.

21st birthday- I probably played MapleStory PvP or something.

22nd birthday-  I remember my friend Jess drawing a picture of my MapleStory character.  I was always chatting with those guys, Jess, Ron, and Steph.

23rd birthday-  Laptop.

24th birthday-  3DS and Pokemon X.

25th birthday-   I invited my university friends Geary and Lydia over and we played the Nintendo 64 and walked around my city.

26th birthday-  I got a bunch of AKB48 stuff.

27th birthday- Got a bunch of Wii U stuff.

28th birthday:

It's a little fuzzy around my 9th, 10th, and 11th birthday.  I most likely mixed them up.  I know there was a lot of Pokemon going on in those years for sure though.

2012-2016... what did I gain...

Maybe I looked at more comedy stand-ups, and started valuing my own willpower, and how it is only my willpower that can get things done and nothing else..

What else was there... maybe I learned to apologize after fights much faster, though my apologies still feel more wreckless.  Maybe I should wait a day at max to apologize so I can say everything that needs to be said... nah, I think it should be quick and innocent with no excuses, not mattering how choppy the apology should sound.

What else... I was introduced to 48/46 G, Keyakizaka46 is a pretty big thing to me.  There was also Tumblr, watching e-sports, and finding some cool popular streamers with demeaners that hollywood does not value.  Like, it's actually cool to not be over-the-top loud and annoying, and just being calm and cool is sufficient enough to befriend people.

I also started reading actual novels around that time that helped comfort me, and build more empathy and sympathy to the world and society.

Yeah, they were not wasted years.

I think it’s easier for me to understand people who do not say anything rather than people who talk all the time.

Oh cool, there's a name for it and it's actually a thing.  EXISTENTIAL DEPRESSION.

Theworlddoesn'towemeanything
theworddoesn'towemeanything
theworlddoesn'towemeanything

I think this year's fourth of July was the first time ever, in all 4th of Julys that I lived, where I did not go out, or look out my window for any fireworks.  I just did not care.

This is also unrelated, but I think there are two types of people, the people who seek power in some kind of form, and the"anti" power people.  The anti power people reject all kinds of power, end up being a silly and funny kind of person (this includes people with beliefs), but actually, deep inside, desire power.  But they just deny this desire.

If all you ever do is count your blessings, you'll go nowhere...

 which is exactly where I want to be.

Because everything is about me...

I hate busy people.

Only because when people are busy, they are not letting their mind go wild.  I want people to think and remember random parts of their past.  I want them to.. randomly think about me.  Me, me, me, me!!!  And all the dead people in the world.  But I want them to remember me, most of all.  Because...

Why didn't I get an invite to my high school reunion?

I think I've Grown Overnight

I feel more confident in life the more recipes I know.  And more confidence, is more growth.

Mama's Big Pot of Spaghetti

2 Spaghetti Seasonings (Grandma's seasoning)
2 Tomato Sauce
1 Tomato Paste
3 Cheese
Some Ketchup, maybe three tablespoons
Some oil
A small bottle of Jufran
Half teaspooon of ground pepper
A tablespoon of sugar


1 lb ground beef
1 Pack of hot dogs
1&1/2 Onions
3 Sticks of celery

Cook ground beef to remove excess fat.
Defrost, and cut up the hot dogs.

Stir ground beef, hot dogs, and onions first.  Add paste mixture next, then add celery, water, and then the sugar/groundpepper/cheese/ketchup.

Getting 0ld

I'm not growing up.

I think I should consciously put myself in high pressure situations... I'm always avoiding things.

Another thing is I've never had a graudation of some sort.  In elementary school, the final grade was sixth grade, but after fifth grade, I transferred to another school, which was a middle school that started a sixth grade.  And it so happens this school was combined with a high school, so after eighth grade, there was no graduation either.

I also did not attend my high school graduation, nor my community college graduation, I never requested an AA degree anyways.  And then I graduated from Certified Nursing Assistant school, and I did not attend that graduation either... and then I graduated from Cal State East Bay with a BA, and decided not to attend that graduation as well.

So I did not have any of these "growth" ceremonies or any of those celebrations where people say "Congratulations!"  When I turned 18, I was hiding in my room playing Xenosaga Ep. III.  I think I got some birthday greetings on Facebook but that was it.  I was also playing PvP MapleStory when I turned drinking age.  I did not party at all.  I think no one thought of my birthday at all either and at this time I was able to hide my birthday on Facebook.  I don't know why I'm like this, I'm always so secretative for no reason, which is really bad, especially for relationships.

Why do things that are so hard for me are so simple for other people, like... talking, or leaving the house, or just.. talking.  It's so hard for me, and when I actually do do it, I feel guilty that I did something wrong.  Or said something wrong.  Or maybe these things are actually hard, and I'm just so naturally weak, everyone else just has far greater willpower than me.

Or maybe it's about smiling. I need to smile more, even if it's fake.

I also do not feel like I'm getting anything out of video games.  I was playing Xenoblade.  While it was relaxing, I feel like I'm getting nothing out of it, I get more out of a book.  E3 was also not that exciting to me, Ghosts of Tsushima was cool because Tsushima's my city's sister city.  Kingdom Hearts III trailers were cool, but I think I'm fine just watching the trailers, I feel like I've played the game just watching them.  I also don't feel like getting Dragon Quest XI anymore either, I'll just finish DQ I-VII instead.  I don't know.   Actually, there's a boxed physical version of the Xenoblade 2 expansion pass.  So yeah, there's that. I want that.

The m3@n1ng 0f l1f3 1s c0mmun1c@t10n

Why does E3, NBA Finals, and Sousenkyo all have to be on the same month.  Hmph!

Nevermind, I don't miss talking to people. 

I miss talking to people.

I was sick for two months and did not exercise at all.  But I did for the past three days and now I feel really good. 

I read about this old guy who wanted to die, but it's not because he's depressed or anything, he just wants to die because he's really crippled.  His advice to young people is to take every opportunity.  Opportunity.  Opportunity.  Opportunity...

1.  I don't know what I miss more... the summer 2016 frenzy of Pokemon Go, or winter 2012's Linsanity.

2.  I miss playing basketball.

3.  Being overwhelmed sucks.

Just got all rare blades in Xenoblade 2... is this going to be my favorite game of all time?

Another reason for me to stay healthy and fit: To contain my will!

If I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I'll be depressed.

It's already the end of February... I have so many drafts it's driving me nuts.  The past two months I finished: Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze, NieR: Automata, Star Ocean V, and Paper Mario: Thousand Year Door, but I had no time to put up a review or any retrospective piece on any of these because homework.

Final Fantasies

Last month I finished three Final Fantasies.

I didn't start any of them, I merely continued my old save file from years ago, and thanks to the Final Fantasy wiki, I was able to trace my way back into the story, kind of.  There was no way that I was going to let all my grinding go to waste.  Anyways, these are my opinions of these games, Final Fantasy V,  Final Fantasy VIII, and Final Fantasy XII. 

I was a bit over 20 hours into Final Fantasy V when I continued it (FF Anthology on the Playstation edition).  I left off at the start of "the other world..." My last save was in 2002.   

Of all Final Fantasies I've played, this is the most difficult.  I do not think I would be motivated to finish this game if it hadn't been backlogged all these years or if I did not have the Bradygames strategy guide.  I would say that the difficulty of this game is frustrating.

If you do not have the right classes mastered or the right abilities equiped, there is no way for you to win certain battles.  I know I would have died a lot if it wasn't for the strategy guide. It doesn't matter how much you grind in this game, it all comes down to having the right abilities and jobs for certain boss fights.  For instance, there's a boss in which all of your characters would have to spam lightning damage or the boss uses this special missle thing that wipes out your party within a set amount of time.  Normally I would have each character a different class, but certain circumstances forces you to make all your characters the same class spamming the same ability.

Anyways, that is my only problem with that game.  Other than that, the ending was solid, as the ending featured sprites never seen during the playthrough.  I thought that was pretty cool.  Also, I think Butz is the first character who had sort of a rebellious personality, plus having three close friends, who were all female! 

So overall, I think it's a good game for its time.

I stopped FFVIII probably around 2010.  I stopped at the final dungeon, and I do not remember my adventure at all.  I probably stopped because I did not understand the junction system. 

But after a few internet searches and experiments, I finally understood that the game is just a standard FF, it's just that grinding is different.  It's all about Drawing. I was told to keep my characters at a low level, and so I did, which was why the final boss was a bit easy for me.  I did a ton of preparation, just drawing all the best spells towards the end. I don't have that much to say about this game because all I did was beat the final boss, and that was that.  I couldn't see the ending though, my Playstation kept freezing towards the end, so I had to watch the ending on Youtube.  

FINAL FANTASY XII

Honestly, my favorite one of the three.   I continued my 40+ hour playthrough but this time, my approach is treating it as an Open World game and it changes so much.  I stopped playing before because I was stuck at this Bomb King boss, but it wasn't until later that I found out that it was an optional boss. 

Story-wise, I forgot what happened.  Throughout the game, I was thinking "who are you?"

Yeah... who are you?!?!

Who's this guy?

Are you that guy's cousin?

I tend to like political stories and that's what this game was supposed to be.  But about almost two months later, I recall absolutely nothing.  I heard there was some shady backscrene stuff going on in its production process, and because of that, to support the real people involved I bought Last Story and Mad World (original writer for FFXII) for the Wii, because I feel kinda bad for liking it as much as I have. 

I knew it would have been SO MUCH better if the producers allowed Yasumi Matsuno to do whatever he wants.  So, Final Fantasy XII joins Tales of Phantasia and Xenosaga Episode I in a pile of games that could have been great if it kept its original writers.

Anyways, Final Fantasy XII, I only remember it being a fun open world game, one month later. It was all about gameplay for me.

I also couldn't see the ending of the game, my game froze for this ending too!  So I had to watch it on Youtube.  My disc also has a problem starting up, and for that reason, I am not going back to do any of the sidequests.