Apology update

Hi!  First I would like to thank you for checking your trash bin.  It makes me happy because it shows that you genuinely care. And I believe that you do.

I’m willing to talk to you, but I don’t know how it’ll work.  I’ll email it to you so I won’t be interrupted I guess... that and because I have no other way to contact you.

I’ve been thinking about what approach I would go with.  Getting angry with you certainly did not bring you out, and you won’t believe even if I tell you the honest truth.  So, I’ll do it by admitting to what I think I did wrong, to verify what I think I did wrong, and I’ll try to figure out myself, because maybe if I understand myself, you can understand me. I don’t know, I’ll try, and here it goes.

I’m trying to figure out why I lie impulsively as well.  I think last week, you were talking to Sophia about me, which triggered my black out, and made me say some things.  Sorry won’t do it, but I’m really trying to capsule up my wrongdoings and incinerate it forever.

I’ve made quite a few contradictions.  My impulsive lying has gone too far.  You lost complete trust in me.  I did not lose complete trust in you.  You don’t accept apologies.  You’ve given me chances.  I can admit to as much as I want, but it won’t change anything.  I can apologize all I want, but it won’t change a thing.

You might feel that I don’t know you.  And you may think that I don’t know you.  But it’s been almost a year, and I think I know you. I see you as someone trying her best to be the best person she can possibly be.  You stand up to what you think is right.  You do your best to believe in what you think.

I was being obnoxious with all the <33333333 and ^_______^, but I said it anyways because it’s all I felt like saying at the moment.  I knew I made it so obvious, but since you didn’t know me much, I made it look like being happy is all I am. I could have held back, and not be like that, but I couldn’t help it and express myself like that, I’m not someone to hold things in, or at least I try not to hold things in.

I was shy before, I think I’m still shy now, but it really depends on who I’m with.  I think I thought I was shy, and I would enforce it to be liked by you since your boyfriend’s shy, probably because I thought you like shy people.

You hate me because of tangents I make.  I’ll try to connect them.  I’m not blaming you for anything.  That one time… I guess it was because I wanted to show you that I valued talking to you above doing my homework. Why do you feel that I blame you so much?

I was sarcastic when I said “I don’t think you noticed either” and she said “I didn’t think so too”, but I just let it go anyway.  It was all in the past anyway and it never looked like we’d talk about it again.

I lied in that I was giving stuff to make people like me.  I did it to avoid further tension and because I just feel like giving stuff out of impulse.  I think it over some times, I don’t know why I give stuff out.   It’s really out of impulse.  I’d like to think that there’s a reason, but there isn’t, I just do it.  I thought that I did give stuff out to make people like me, I think I give more stuff out when they do like me, but I gave random stuff out to random people before and I regret it. But sometimes I feel guilty because I know my brother wants things but I don’t give him things.

The hate mail was impulsive at first, but I planned out the timing of sending it.  Without reading it over, I sent it but I was thinking whether to send it or not.  It was something new, and I tried it out as a reversed psychology affect.  I failed to do so, because it’s still a lie.

I’m doing my best to not be shallow or superficial.  Actually, I only fell once really hard to a girl IRL (she was taller than me too), the rest had been online.  But I am shallow and superficial.  I laugh at racist jokes, and I walk away from stinky people.

I did not plan to distance myself.  It’s what I called it.  I thought we were still friends.  I’d talk to you once in a while so I’d still be your friend, and you can still talk to me since I’m there.   I wish you could’ve just told me that you didn’t want me to see you in buddy chat. I thought we were okay that time, I’ve never had a close friend before you, and I don’t initiate talks.  I didn’t think you would still want to be my friend that way.  I really wouldn’t mind being a friend on the sidelines though.

I feel nervous when I talk to you because I think that you think that I’m only talking to you because I like you that way.

I have friends, but I never keep any so close.  I don’t talk my soul out to a one friend in a daily basis. I would like to, but I think I have trust issues as well.  I’m afraid that if I open myself too much, I won’t sound real.

I don’t talk about people, I try my best not to, but I guess I should after meeting you.  I told Myra and Sophia that we weren’t good friends anymore, and that’s it. You taught me that it’s better to talk about my problems, so I tried, but they didn’t really care.  Maybe it’s only you who’s good to talk to about problems. And I told Jen recently.  She really wants us to be friends again too, and I want to be friends again too, even if we’re not really good friends like your other good friends.

I am not an introvert. I tried to be one, but I couldn’t.  My brother can take being alone, and other people can take being alone, but I can’t take being alone.  People are different, but I know I am not an introvert, because I can’t be alone.

I am quiet and loud.  It really all depends on who I’m with.  When I’m around quiet and shy people, I can be myself, which makes me “loud”.  When I’m with intimidating looking people, I get quiet.  It’s how I am.  I am confused as well, because I wish I can be comfortable in every situation I’m in.

I am shy.  I am shy revealing my true self to the world.  I keep a happy mask on.   I remember you said you don't like people like that, but it's just me, and I'm sure later on, the mask will uncover and I can be my true self everywhere with time and experience.

I am not satisfied when you’re angry at me.  I’d rather be in your presence than have you angry at me.  You’re angry at me, and I really don’t want you to be angry, and I think the only way is to apologize, and I’ll do my best to make it up, I was trying but I messed up again, but I really don’t mean it and I’m willing to make up for it.

I feel like things that I do are too good to be true sometimes, so I make up a lie to make them not be so true.  Maybe that makes me confused too.

I’m sarcastically stupid.  I mean things like sonny’s cuckoo for cocoa puffs and when you said that you thought that I didn’t know that you knew I liked you back then but I didn’t say anything afterwards. And that Obama thing… I didn’t read about Obama, you’re supposed to laugh a little.  But I told you already that I can’t make you laugh but I guess I tried.

I don’t believe in the Zodiac, but I laugh at how it gets all the traits humans have in common, and changes it up with each sign.  And then, it fills in the remaining signs with moon, rising, etc. with the ones it does not mention.  That’s how I think it is, but its funny how things turned up and such. I have fun comparing it to people. It’s a conversation starter for me.  First thing I usually ask someone is their birth date.

I remember I said that everything I said to you was a lie.  I think it’s because I’m not confident with what I say.  I’m so vague in my descriptions.  I do things, and hope that you understand, but it’s all my fault.

It’s obviously my fault for trying to see your reaction in things. I know the limit now though.  I never said directly that we shouldn’t be friends anymore; it just came out of embarrassment that time, when you blocked me.  I try out different things a lot, and I damage my image this way, as well as my relationships with others.  I’m not sure what it is. I don’t think its curiosity.  I’m a victim of my own test… I think I would do stuff to see if you’d still like me as a friend if I did bad stuff I guess. No one wants a bad friend though.  I can’t repair what I did, but I really hope that you understand that I miss you. I never had a friend like you.

I think I annoy you with my facial expression icons, which make me, look like a little kid.  I don’t know why I do that.  I guess it’s because I am a little kid.  Maybe it’s space filler because I don’t like making things really silent.

I didn’t want to end the friendship that time.  I didn’t mean to, it just came out of embarrassment.  But you left, and I was sad, so I let it go but I emailed you back right after but you didn’t get the email.

I get annoyed with myself as well, because I keep thinking that you might like me back that way.  I know you don’t and I’m doing my best to convince myself that you never will. It’s my fault.  I guess I’m too excited all the time. I would understand why you wouldn’t like me, because I don’t even like myself.

Anyways, I’ll think more, I know I have good memory and I’ll try to think up something that you may think I lied in.

I can’t help but get the feeling… that if I can’t even revive this, then I’ll never change. It’s my fault.  I’ve said things I shouldn’t have said. I continue to do so, and I probably will.  I mean what I say though; I told you before that I’m an impulsive liar.

Enough about me.  Why do I want to be your friend? I’m sorry, but it’s for my own gain.  I want to be completely honest with people.  If I were to be blunt: please help me.  If I can’t talk to you and if I can’t revive this friendship, I’ll contradict the statement I said about being friends forever, and I know you don’t like my contradictions.  That and that you’re one of the best friends I ever had.  I don’t open up to anyone really.  I try to, but even then it’s not even considered opening up since you didn’t even consider me opening up to you.  I’ve been trying ever since I met you to open up to people, and no one even cares.  I guess I bothered you by talking to you when you were away and then I guess I ran away because I thought you were really away but I waited until you unaway’d but I couldn’t wait because I’m impatient and I’m sorry I didn’t mean to just say hi and run away.

Thank you for reading.  I know it won’t change your frustration.  But I can see why.  I don’t expect you to ever open up to me again. I don’t mind if you don’t. But I really don’t want you to be angry at me, or feel any anger and disappointment.  I don’t understand you, and you don’t understand me. But I’m trying my best and I won’t run away even if you’re away already.

-Jas