after this.

I'd give up.  She won't be the person I like I guess... my efforts are futile.

It's unhealthy.  Trying to translate myself into words, it can't be done.  I'm not always confident with myself because I surprise myself a lot. Doing so much for someone I don't really know.  I'll convince myself that she's not what I think she is.  She's not what I think she is.

I failed to be a good friend, and that's it.  With that, I'm afraid of failing other goals in life.  But it's how I can rebound from this loss, right?

Even if I be a friend again, I'll admit, my mood swings are quite cumbersome for both of us. "Friendship is built on trust."  If it is, I better tell her that I'll be blanked out when I get mad, I hope she knows this, and that I am really quick to forgive if she stays in the conversation... it's so frustrating.  I'm so frustrated with myself.  I don't get myself.  Why am I so much like this?

It'll be all okay.  I can finally study in peace, and I can finally learn.  I won't be a believer in true love, but I'll be a believer in a committed love relationship.  I won't call it true love, but a committed type of relationship.  I won't hate love.  I did okay without love before, I felt that gush of confidence back in my Senior year in high school.  But in reality, I was just showing off that I can do better than I was to my first obsession.

Because I know if I keep holding on, something will happen between us, and she'll be so annoyed.  But there's also a feeling that she wants me to try my best, that I have to try harder and that she has to see it.  She has to see my perseverance.  But then again, what if she's really not like it?  It's a deduction from what she said to me.  Written words without expressions.  Though I can see the differences in how words are written from her.   It's just so confusing, she is so confusing.  I have to figure her out somehow.

I don't know.  But I think this would be my last chance.  I have to perfect this letter and she has to receive it somehow.  I'm glad her best friend is my friend, she's really special.  I admire their relationship so much.  I don't want a friendship like that because I'd feel the degradation of my manhood.

It will be a weight off my shoulders, and I'll work harder.  There's a part of me that wants her to reject this and a part of me that wants her to not reject it.  But really, I really want to give it one last big bang.  The finisher to this maze. My final refuge. It's not anger. My peace treaty.