wish i was hella sad atm.

I'm done with these fucking masks.

I put out a fucking optimistic persona to not affect other people.

I put out a serious persona to show that I'm a hard worker and that I want to get my job done.

But deep inside I want to fucking stay home, go under my blankets, and never wake up.

I want to cry.  I want to hit rock bottom.  No, core bottom where I can get burned to ashes too.  I don't care.  I want to hit it.  I want to be honest.  I can only be honest when I'm in my saddest phase.  Who the fuck am I.  Why the fuck do I do what I do.

In all honestly, I love my assumptions about her. She's right.  I love my idea about her.  I'm fucking shy.  Why the hell can't I interrogate information out of her?  Why the fuck am I blaming her unhappiness on myself?

I want to know more about her.  But I can't.  Because she's away.  WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LEAVE ME.  WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU BELIEVE ME. I fucking love you... what the hell.

No, I won't be vulnerable.  I'm a fucking little kid.  WHAT THE HELL MAKES AN ADULT?!?!

I held on to it because I believed in it.

She provided me with stability. A structured life.  Is that why I loved her?

No.

Something intrigues me.

Her actions. I don't talk to her, but it's her actions. Is it her sensitivity?

I'm racking my brains out trying to figure this one out... and I will.  I believe I will.  Compared to that bitch, I'm proud of her, and I want her to be in my life.

Let it Be.

Oh fuck that song.

-

I am depressed.  No one can decipher from my face that I am really depressed.  They think I'm playing around because I'm always laughing and smiling with them.  And when I have that face on, I look like I'm playing around.  That sad, melancholic expression I use for playing around is the same I use for depression. I'm thinking ahead if its true, but it probably won't be, but I'll assume it is.  Thus a contradiction is produced.  Is that what it is?

I don't want to be.  But I am fucking optimistic and upbeat.