god's eye.

I hated her so much at that moment.  I hated both of them.  I felt more distant, and misunderstood.  I tried to show her that my actions spoke louder than my words.  I would say that I'm not her friend, yet I'd be trying to talk to her.  I'm shy, yet I even spoke to them.  I don't talk about myself, yet I said little things about myself.  I say I'm very thrifty with my money, but still I gave them stuff. How come she doesn't see this?

I'll deduce.  I think it's because she doesn't see it because she's not looking for it.  She wants me to do something else, so she's clouded with that expectation.  But that's okay, it just means that I am not what I thought I was, and I have to work harder... or think it over.  They were hurting my pride, and I was being misunderstood.  That's what hurt me then, but it's time to step up, and not give up.  I have to push myself somehow, because I may not know her well, but I know I can believe in her.  I have to keep talking to her somehow, I miss her talking to me.  I miss feeling wanted.  I miss being a good friend.  I miss her.

I should hold back on the experience thing.  I try new things only to regret it so much.  That one time, I thought I can really move on if I ruin my reputation, but I guess I couldn't move on because I truly do need her.  I guess its a test... I dug a hole so deep, I wonder if the patch will be enough to show that a hole was never there... but the hole will always be there, gotta prove that I'm trying.

I shouldn't let my feelings bother me like this.  Follow my mind and heart.  I know what to do, yet I'm just lazy. I hate being lazy.  I have to change.  Feelings, sensitive people is what holds this world back.  This world isn't built for sensitive people.  I believe it's built on them.  But we're supposed to be stronger, and evolving.  Our only enemy, the only beings that should hurt us or are hurting us,  are ourselves, pathogens, viruses, and nature... though I am building sympathy for pathogens.