my fortress.

The only reason why I changed to other people was practice so I can face you. Now that you're gone, I'm going back to my old self.

I was so excited when I did what you told me to, for others.  Because I thought it was one step closer to that change you were looking for.

Now when I do it, I feel so insecure, that I don't want to do it anymore.  I lost my motivation, now that you're gone.

So, I'll go back to the way I used to be.  I'll go back.

I'll open the door to my fortress, and stay there.  I won't just be standing there and sitting there.  I'll work, I'll make the building stronger, and harder to get through. Longer vertically to make it more difficult for people to climb up. Cement the sides so people can't dig in, and go through a hole from the inside.  I'll seal the windows with more concrete.

I am.

But the door remains unlocked.

-

Yesterday in the library while I was studying, I wrote notes on my thoughts.  It's not what I want to say, but I'll record it here:

Who the hell told you I like you coz you're happy all the time.

You may not realized it, but you said a lot about yourself to me during our time.  So I'm sure that I know you as well as I think I know you I think.

If I loved you, if you are what my idea of you is, then I have no regrets.

I'll keep giving you stuff so I won't create that inconsistency that you don't want. You only said that you're not going to talk to me.

I'm allowed to assume, right? You're trying to create inconsistencies out of me, right? You're trying to make me a hypocrite, right?  You're not talking to me.  So I guess it's okay to assume.  I'm trying to connect the pieces, and you get one big assumption.

I'm not giving up.  You think I was mad at you?  I am probably a little kid.  I am a little kid.  You can treat me like a little kid.  Or maybe, I'm a little girl.  I always wanted to be your friend.  I meant to make you hate me because I was screaming for attention.  I meant to kill off any feelings you had for me if you did, and I wanted to kill those feelings from me thinking that it won't hurt so much if I did that but it didn't work. I tried to make you hate me, and maybe if you hated me, I wouldn't love you anymore.  But I was wrong.  I never wanted to say goodbye that time.  What I meant by that was to not like you that way anymore, and I chose to move on.

I know how to hurt you, by saying I lied.  But I won't do that anymore because it creates confusion.

You are unappreciated.  Your family's attention on your brother.  You're boyfriend doesn't even want to look at you.  You feel inferior to your friend because you do not have that job yet.  You're dad abused you.  You lost a lot of friendships in the past.  I won't let this be one of those friendships, I'm determined, and it's my life's goal.  Either fix it, or live miserably for the rest of my life.  And if I keep failing, at least I know that I loved.  I wanted to quote what my cousin said to me, but he talked to fast that I couldn't record it, and he forgot what he said.  It was something among the lines of "if you don't feel your heart, you're not living your life."  And I won't live my life feeling miserable.

Yet, though you may seem so miserable, you stand strong.  You are still so fucking nice.  How much more nice would you be if you had the necessities?  That is why I believe you are genuine.  I never told you all this, my assumptions about you, because it's an assumption, and I don't know how to start conversations like these.

I may be in denial.  Ignorance is bliss after all.

Your friend (some word I can't read, my handwriting sucks) you then.  But unlike you, I won't let that happen.  We're both hella emotional.

(And then I wrote her names several times in cursive all over the page)

I like how Dr. Levine worded loving someone as "worth your emotional investment."

And I also wrote notes to myself regarding my career.  I was thinking about being a medical researcher, and then I though that there will always be side affects in medicine that will be discovered a few years later, that makes it more harmful.  My thoughts: let it be.

-

Just thought of something.. it's like dealing with her is a reflection with how I deal with myself.  I keep telling myself I'd change, but in the end, I fail.  I kept telling her I'd change, but in the end, I failed. What a correlation.  But the only difference, I put my heart out to her.  With or without a heart, I fail either way.

-

I play it in my head. Talking to her friend:

???: WHY ARE YOU GIVING HER STUFF. FUCKING CHRIST.

me:  I don't want to be inconsistent. She wants consistency.

???: JESUS CHRIST FUCKING CHRIST WTF ARE YOU DOING.

me:  she's contradicting herself then.  and she's pushing me to be contradictory.  I won't lose.

???: WTFFFFFF LOL.. just LOL WTF I DON't KNOW YOU BUT I'LL LECTURE YOU ON LIFE YOU LITTLE KID, YOU CAN'T DO SHIT LIKE THIS IN REAL LIFE, BUT I DON'T KNOW YOU, I KNOW YOU FAIL IN REAL LIFE THOUGH BECAUSE I HEARD THAT YOU FAIL YOU FAILING FAILURE

me: she said "good luck with future endeavors."  This is the future, and I won't let her wish of luck fail!

???: OMFG WTF

me: (I just know I know her as much as I think I know her, and I think I know her well enough)

Quick shock.  I think I know her, information about her is emitting from my heart, what she's like is emitting from my heart.  And it's natural because most humans are like her.  But it's still just from my heart, it's not a proven theory.  But what if it's all false?  I already said ignorance is bliss, and I have to follow my heart to live.  If I don't know her... then I fail and can move on.

"I don't need more time.  i just want more of that feeling of pressure an hour before it's due." Regarding school work.