I don't trust or believe in my own friends anymore... at least, what they say. I was talking to my little SF friend about her, and she would ignore me about bits of questions I would ask her. What kind of friend ignores me? After she said that I can talk to her? No one's on my side, perhaps it's because I keep things to myself way too often. They're both talking about me now, and I believe that she won't say anything about her because she respect's her privacy, though it shouldn't be private when she talks to me as a friend. Oh well, that's that, I'm not talking about myself to friends anymore, it makes me feel awkward. I'm better off blogging about it.
I suspect myself of pushing it too far with the sarcasm. I better tone it down a little and be more consistent with my persona, though sarcasm is what makes me enjoy conversations. Regular conversations are just so dull without any spice and psychological turbulence. So I guess I won't change.
Our definitions of friendship differ. I see it as something you can take with you til the end, and still be able to kick it through thick and thin. It's not like that in her case. She wants me to talk about something, so she can get superficial details about it? You can't be quiet all the time. You can't be shy all the time. You can't be loud all the time. Why does she think that if I'm quiet, I'm quiet everywhere I go? She's more shallow than me. She doesn't have that skepticism I have when I'm with other people. She sees shallow details and keeps it with her to attack them when they "betray" her with their words. To attack "lies."
And the word "lies" is just a label. She never took and learned the concept why I do what I do. She thought about it, thought she can't trust me, and ran away from it.
But I guess it's so much hurt. I'm glad that people you love the most, hurt you the most. She's digging herself in a deeper grave. She's hurt by me, because she loves me in a weird kind of way.
Should I attack when I'm attacked? I say stupid impulsive things so they won't attack me anymore, but I can truly be an asshole if I'm fed up with it. If I want to end things permanently, which I most likely won't do.
... false hope was the worst thing she did to me.
Take advantage of their intellect, not their kindness.
"A label adds nothing to our understanding."- Dr. Ledbetter
Something to think about when I read about stuff. It's amazing how quotes intrigues me to correlate it with living. From now on, I'll see how firmly this quote stands.
Anyhoo, we've been told that we don't read much, and that we should read beyond our courses. That's what I'm going to do. Shift my interests to what I really want. I'm getting old, and so I have to make the most of it. I've been told to do what I want, but what I should be telling myself is what can I do to satisfy what I like?
I'm done with love. It's there, and it's not there. Today's Simpsons episode reminded me of how people fall for someone, and how they see their potential significant other as "the one. "There are several ones, and normal friends would see their love hopeless friend's potential significant other as all the same as the rest. I'm trying to correlate it with my experiences, and now, I'm done. I won't try to love, from now on I'll make myself worthy of being loved, by following what I believe in. This approach will be different, but it's what I feel,and I think should be.
I've been talking to my friend Daniel, and I've been referred to so many News sites. I'll list them later, as I have to read my chapter 20 on Antimicrobial Drugs.
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