I asked myself that why would I private my blog? So that if she sees it somehow, she would get mad at how I'm always blogging about her, and those derogatory remarks, repeated mistakes that I'm thinking and assuming and my "true" intentions? I do stuff, no matter how threatening it can be to our relationship, just to see how she'd react to it. I have to be careful because she's sensitive. But this is a blog, it's just what I think of. And I shouldn't hide any of these thoughts, whether they'll hurt her, or what, to her. I have to be straight up honest and open. So, this blog will now be public. Words harm a lot, but not as much as actions, and this action is attempting to be completely honest.
I tried to force myself into falling for my lab partner because I thought she had the potential. She has the looks, the hobbies... but its just things that she says, and her scent. I feel like I can't grow if I like someone like her. What can I love about her, and what is in it for me? I really tried, really, but I couldn't. Nature infused with force is still pulling me towards her.
I miss writing letters by hand. My handwriting sucks though, but I think its more romantic if I write it by hand!
I had a dream after my afternoon nap. It was about my uncle Ralph. I told him that he'll die in five years, and that it's not too late to change. That he should stop drinking and smoking. His life change was in progress, as he was walking the dog (looked like Poggie). Then it got fuzzy and I somehow was playing "Chrono Trigger" on the DS. It was going by fast, I was already in AD 1200 but the world maps looked different. It looked like 1200 AD with a mix of 600 AD. I won't say it was weird, because dreams are generally weird.
On Saturday, I went to Grandma Trudy's house to help my Auntie Neddie, Auntie Nancy, Uncle Ed, and my mom clean out Grandpa's room. Cindy, Grandma Trudy's daughter was also there. Afterwords, we left to show Grandma Trudy and Auntie Cindy our house in Lassen street, so they can see with their eyes that Grandpa's junk stacked up to the ceiling. Cindy cried. I like Cindy, she's genuine with her feelings, and her motives are clearly heavenly. She's American born, so her mind is like in line with mine. Anyways, she treated us to a Chinese restaurant after she showed us her apartment.
Cindy shared some memories of Grandpa... for instance, his watermelon baskets stuffed with fruits, when all that was needed was cut fruits. Grandma Trudy's children clearly sees Grandpa in a different way than what my mom and her sisters and brother saw him as. Maybe he was really just a kid when he was with my Grandma Lourdes and finally matured with Grandma Trudy. He wasn't fully grown, because there wasn't an apology letter left. Maybe it's because that we didn't ask for an apology and it had faded with those 50+ years. Or maybe he did apologize, but I wasn't around at the time.
Back to the restaurant, I really don't like fish food... like fish tacos, and that fish thingie that we had. My Auntie Neddie is sick. I really hope she gets better. I sense a really strong kind aura when I'm around her. She's truly nice. Her bond with Uncle Eddie is so strong, that team and my parents team are like the same.
Earlier that day I was addicted to horoscopes again. Reading about Venus, Mars, Mercury, and all those asteroid signs. It's interesting, because it feels true, and my life is a reflection of it. 90% compatibility... interesting. I should look away from it though, it's no help to normal day to day living, even if it is true, life always brings surprises. Fortune telling doesn't reveal all, and it shouldn't.
Goal for today: Don't sleep.
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