Winter Break

I deleted my Tumblr, and created a new account with the same name just so that no one takes my name, but I think I'll start writing on it again...

I guess I was subconsciously trying to impress someone... to change their behavior or to show off in some way, and when that person left I didn't feel the need to have one and I felt no drive to write anymore.  I think I only write when I'm feeling some intense emotion... like love.  It's weird though, because I think my best thoughts come when I'm not in love, and that's when I should write, but I don't.  I only write when I think I am in love.

And no, I don't have any feelings or anything for that girl I met a few months ago.  She's a good person to talk to, I can tolerate her and I don't feel awkward around her even though I can be awkward without feeling the awkwardness, I'm just not attracted to her anymore I guess.  I think I completely cleansed myself of infatuation when I saw her tattoo.  I don't know what's wrong with me, but I was just turned off... I think it was a tattoo of a flower, it was pretty far away, and it was on her neck.  She sat like 2 rows in front of me and I can see her in the corner of my eye looking at me and then quickly turning but whatever.  My thoughts of the flower tattoo was that "Oh, I bet she wants to be pollinated by Penis.  Lots of Penis."  And so maybe just that thought of mine and not her, turned me off.

I met another girl too, she is cute as well.  But I thought that it's not worth it, we could have been so close, I could really see potential but there would be distance.  She lives in Japan.  We went to the same Hip Hop concert and we just hung out together and we were just so comfortable with each other.  She just left this morning I think to go to New York, I think she's some kind of traveling student.  Her visa ends so she can't come back to the Bay Area.  I may not see her ever again.  When we met the second time she asked for my Facebook.  I think she's a really really good person... I guess she's my "type."  Looks caring, reads a lot of books, and likes to party... but whatever.  I'll talk to her once in awhile.  If only this was fake and a video game I'd definitely marry her so she gets a green card lol.

It's weird.  I went to my cousin's graduation party, and everyone are such adults.  But they are still the same person... just that I think,and it feels as if they're just so much older, boring, and wiser than I am.  Their presence is so eminent.  And I feel like I'm such a kid.  I've been told that I'm not an adult yet, even though I am... a little beyond that too.  Maybe it's because of how I look... in the bus station a few weeks ago I helped this lady with a foreign European accent who needed some verification on her directions and she said "thank you sir... er, boy".

I really want to know the chemical influence aspects in our brains... because I think it's strange how... little things change my mood completely.  I'm feeling so sad most of the time, and I just want to sleep... but then sometimes, I feel happy, and nothing external really happened to me... maybe I thought of something randomly to change my mind, but how do I get those random happy thoughts that trigger the actual happiness?  They are random thoughts, thoughts I wouldn't have thought of or even try to think of... I don't even know what I try to think, and when I try to think it's usually something I thought of a few seconds before and or something I usually think of, but those thoughts get boring... I really want to think of those happy random thoughts but I really can't because they're random...

It's winter break.  I passed my classes, but didn't do as well as I wanted to.  Sometimes I think that if I don't do well, the thing I'm doing isn't for me... and it probably isn't.  I don't know.  I really want to see my full potential on how I'd do if I take away my obsessive behavior during study times... so I'll actually try, this time I'll really try to do my best next quarter.  That means no computer.  I'll do my best to not log in anything.  Or maybe I should just change my perspective on it... like to something I'm interested in and something I do everyday.  I think I put academics too high on the pedestal to actually touch it, so now I'll try this approach... the only problem is feeling my thoughts.

So since it's winter break, I've checked out books from my University's library for the first time... two Banana Yoshimoto books and a novel by Haruki Murakami.  I really love Yoshimoto's style... it's mostly just thoughts.  It's like each line she writes can be quoted too.

I like that.  I like seeing other people's thoughts.  It makes me feel more connected to society even though I'm trying to be detached.  Connecting to society... is like a judgement of society, the judge saying "you're okay.  You're okay, you're doing okay."  And that's very reassuring to me because I've been feeling so different, and I've always felt that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing (especially when I'm around my family)...

Since this is my first entry, I think I had a lot to say.  I'll do my best to have really short entries the next times.