in my natural state...

I'm finally shedding tears.  Did I force my tears out?  I'm not crying for anyone but myself, and I hope that I understand that it's all my fault.  I thought we were on the same page.  We probably were.  But just different books.

My heart felt like it touched the clouds.  Not only felt, but it did.  It touched the clouds, the soft clouds, and my heart felt at peace.  It was comfy.  My heart says the clouds were comfy.  Every single day, I was happy.  I think that's pretty rare.  For someone like me.. to look forward to life.  I was so psyched up, I was going to wait til I start my classes.  Work my ass off, get a job, get money.  For what purpose?  To go there and cheer her up.  I was going to have so much confidence walking around in school, walking around in this world, knowing that my heart was at peace, and my future was sealed... because I had her.  That I figured out all I wanted in life is for someone to love me and for me to love her.  That's how I felt.  I felt I was at a mature phase in life, and that God has decided to give me a break, and just lay things out there for me.  Fuck, I was skeptical about this at first, and I knew I still should be, but fuck, I fell for it.  And I'm so stupid.  So fucking stupid.

Little did I know that it would hurt like this.  How the fuck didn't I see that it would ultimately come to this.  She doesn't know me, I've always felt that she doesn't truly know me, although I've felt I truly know her.  My  hearts in free fall, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.  I can't wait... it was so high up there, on those clouds... in a little or long while, perhaps it will be a long fall since it took a long time to get that far up... I can't wait til it hits the bottom, and I'll be back where I started.  Hopefully it gets smashed when it hits the bottom. That way I'll never open my heart.. my eyes, or any senses to feelings like these again. Fuck.  I want to shed more tears, it's bringing comfort. Fuck.  I also want to talk to her right now... I want her to talk to me... I should sleep so I can talk  to her before her classes start, but then again, it's reminding me that she's waking up early today to meet up with the guy she likes who isn't me.  Fuck.  But it's okay.

Everything's going to be okay.  Everything's going to be okay.

No it's not.  Just lost motivation to do anything at all.  But it will be okay in the morning.  Everything will be okay in the morning.  Everything will be okay in the morning...

She'll still be there, and she'll still be my friend, right?  That's all that matters, right?  Her presence, and that she still likes talking to me, right?  That's all that really matters.. I'm happy that she's still in my life.

And with that, I can breathe a sigh of relief.