I had some really weird thoughts that I should have recorded... but I didn't. I guess I get lazy, or that I get so insecure sometimes when I'm in a phase like that, but I think I'm mature enough to withstand it. It seems like the only times I really blog are when I have something I "have" to do... that is, something authority has ordered me to do... I don't know why, but I always feel that when people tell me something to do, I do it. If its especially people I respect a whole lot, I'd do it. I guess I'm not that mature yet, in that I follow orders because what's engraved in my mind is still some social structure where people are better than others. I always have to remind myself that, it's not the case. It really really isn't.
This video really makes me happy.
I've been thinking of my own situation a lot. I hardly ever go out. I only call friends when I feel that they want to talk to me, or when I feel that it's appropriate. I don't know why I'm like this. Why am I always so reclusive, and why do I like... make myself depressed. I remember in a novel I read, it said guys usually don't go out of their way to feel sadness... but I feel that I've been doing that for like all my life that I remember. I wonder if girls think that too, that guys don't go out of their way to feel sadness. Is that a turn off? I guess it can look really feminine, but what if I'm confident about it, and that I'm proud of feeling sadness?
WAIT gotta poo poo, I'll Publish this anyway.
Okay, I'm back. So I've been thinking... maybe if I like make myself depressed by getting in all sorts of these stupid situations, things will just make me happier... or not, because I'm actually doing what I'm thinking of right now. I get really really happy when someone messages me, I get really really happy when someone wants to talk to me, I get really really happy when someone pats my arm. It's really weird. I think there really are levels of happiness. Fixed levels of happiness with limits. When someone talks to me, is probably the same kind of happiness feeling as another person landing a job who really wanted a job. That's the kind of state I'm in, I think.
Been also thinking about optimism. I dislike people who are sarcastically optimistic especially when they don't show that they're being sarcastic at all. Maybe they aren't sarcastic, but truly believe in optimism... that there really is something to be really happy about. Is there really something to be so happy about? Like, ALL the fucking time? Count your blessings, that's what they always say, but is it really making you happy? It's a nice reminder, counting blessings, but forgetting that quote in my head in a moment of need fucks my entire mind system up.
Then there's her. I think I like her a lot, but something's missing. And it's something that I'll always compare to. Catherine (YES I'M SAYING HER NAME NOW. CATHERINE CHAO, I'M CALLING YOU OUT) would have asked me how my day went, would ask and be interested in what I had to say, and my thoughts... this one doesn't, she genuinely doesn't give a fuck, which I actually admire. So I think again, I'm no longer friends with Catherine, or associated in any way, so why the fuck was having someone for me to talk to a good thing when it ends like that? I have my blog to rant to anyway. Case closed.
Oh yeah, and yesterday was my dad's birthday. He's 55. We had KFC, with no cake. I also went to the dentist because my sealant on my tooth broke, and they had to put fillings again on it. It was so weird, the doctor was like irritated that the dentist assistant didn't set things up properly, but they also like prepared everything before the procedure, like in my mouth. They put so much shit in my mouth, like a crank thing for me to bite on so they can see my tooth and all these other sticks. And I just started cracking up, I couldn't control my laughter. And when I tried to think of something that would have made me not laugh, I'd laugh even more so I just kept on laughing, but I couldn't, I was just smiling because I had all that shit in my mouth, so the dentist and the assistant started laughing too. I thought that was funny. I don't think that ever happens... laughing during a dental procedure when its supposed to hurt.
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