I'm second thinking about this Clinical Laboratory Scientist thing. Knowing me, I'll switch again. Just thinking about it, and the images formed in my mind about it just look so bleak. Looking at microscopes, analyzing it, sampling whatever. No team work, no attention, no building of character... just another job. That's what it looks like. Am I really interested? Maybe, I'm interested in how things formed and such, but I don't feel the passion and drive...
Maybe the drive and passion doesn't have to be that strong. Maybe it never was that strong in the first place. I've always looked at life as doing it with all your heart and all that, like sort of being possessed in a way... maybe this is what MapleStory did to me. Everyday I'd wake up early til I pass out to level up my character. Was that really passion or was I just sick? But those days, eight years ago, I felt alive in a way because I really looked forward to doing something like that. Maybe it was just my lack of being close to civilization all these years because MapleStory and the internet opened up doors to other people's lives, friends, I had finally had friends which I didn't have to go through the hassle of telling my mom and stuff.
What do I really want, I don't know. Maybe these results come from overexposure of the media, or just from society in general. I'd like to think I'm okay. Is everyone like this? Pretending that they're okay, when they're really not? Just a few months ago I didn't care about anything at all once again. My life felt like it was going downhill, but I did feel some comfort at times, but overall, it wasn't heading in the direction I really wanted it to.
So far it feels as if my life is just a waiting game. Waiting for the moment, waiting for her computer to be fixed so I can talk to her, waiting for her to break up with her boyfriend, waiting for her to like me, waiting for things that will never come.. waiting for another epiphany, waiting for friends to call me, waiting until I feel comfortable driving, waiting for school, waiting waiting waiting for next year... most of these waitings involve "hers". But now there's only one thing that I'm really looking forward to waiting for, and that is seeing what she's all about.
If I wasn't exposed to anything, would I really be worried about anything? Back then, there wasn't much, just friends and family probably, and school and work right in front of you. I could have just school in front of me. Now you have all these quotes with famous high status people telling you what's good for you, whats healthy, how to be successful, how to cope with anything. The definition of success. Other people in the world comparing you to them. It just feels as if all these things are just not important. I don't even know what I'm trying to say... I just want to shut my ears, eyes, and feelings. Maybe I really do want to be a robot and work with whatever. Maybe its because I want to be resistant to thinking about what other people think. I don't know anymore, but I feel best when I'm talking to someone who isn't breaking down every word that I say, and that's where I want to be... I guess I just want to feel comfortable. I don't know.
The next few days should be focused on connecting the dots. Though I think about it regularly, it brings me comfort, but also more confused, so maybe I shouldn't connect the dots. I did it before though, but there was an error... I can't be a teacher, there's just no jobs, and my family looks like they're not supporting me. I don't think I can have the motivation for it either.
Or maybe... I never really had a stable friendship, or a friendship where I can be myself and feel comfortable, and be able to talk about anything and communicate really well. Maybe that's what I needed all along. I should just work on being a better friend. ... And then what, maybe I'll learn how friends stab you in the back.
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