feeling so hurt right now.

But I'm sure after this, I'll be okay.

I've experienced this before.  And I remember it quite vividly.  I remember how I felt, not much so of the events. I've tried crying earlier, but tears wouldn't come out.  But I would have liked to cry.

I feel so hurt, and I fear that I'll lose her as my friend. But I have to remember that "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." I expected this to happen. The distance that we have, but I planned this a long time ago. If something like this happens, she'll eventually move on, and I'll be here.

But it's okay. I'll be here. I won't be scared this time, and get mad, or run away. I won't leave her. Unless she leaves me.

 But what if she expects me to get mad? I won't get mad even if my gut tells me.

I feel like going into another social online recluse mode. It just came so fast and hurt me so much. I'm lucky to live in the mountains where I can see the clouds. Gives me a visual picture of how small and fragile everything in this world actually is. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm a spectator now.

"So that's what it would've been like if I was social."

I think I would have felt happy. But no, my area won't allow me to go late at night and have fun, nor do I think if I do, I won't really enjoy it. I've been always the social outcast unless I'm with people who I connect with, and even then, I'd feel like I don't belong with them.

But what if it happens...

 If she does distance herself, and I float by, I have to make sure that I'm going to see her, which will require effort. I don't think she's the type to distance herself though, and if she suddenly became like that, then that's expected.

 And thus, I do feel much better. I just have to stay strong, right? That's what being a man is all about, right?