burger king.

I've created a great memory on Tuesday, that I did not mention.  In the moment, it felt rushed and I don't think I really really enjoyed it, but it did create a fond memory.  I went to Burger King with my mom.  We used coupons to get smoothies and two full meals.  We ate there, which is pretty rare.  I like that.  Going to a restaurant.  It was really hot too and I think I had a headache.  But thinking back, I don't remember that hot weather feeling, but just the joy of eating in a restaurant with my mom.

Anyways, my assessment of the current situation:

I know that there are two things that motivate people to do whatever they do.  First one is to gain pleasure, and the second one which is a greater drive, is to avoid pain. This isn't love, because I destroyed the meaning once I demand something from it.  The feeling of hope is gone, and now my two options are to suffer through it, or to leave it.  Out of sight, out of mind.  She doesn't ask how my day was.  She doesn't ask me questions.  She doesn't do anything with me unless its something she's doing and of course I'd do whatever she wants me to but that doesn't count, because when I show her something she was never interested.  She doesn't follow me.

I feel that I'm just there.  Like... a concrete floor.  She just steps on me, but I'm useful enough so that she can skate, dance, and do tricks on it, and it's easy to clean.  All you need is a mop.  But that's all I feel that I am.  A concrete floor.  She doesn't give a fuck about me.  She really doesn't give a fuck about me.  I don't get appreciation... I don't get asked anything... I'm just there.  Because she doesn't give a fuck.

Though I use a lot of energy... maybe I'm more like a treadmill rather than a concrete floor, since I actually try, nothing's natural though I want it to be... well it probably is natural but I don't feel it because I'm actually really trying hard to keep conversations up while being myself.   But then again a treadmill is more like a machine.. to hell with analogies!  The point is that I try, but she doesn't give a fuck.  The evidence is pointing to that... she just doesn't give a fuck.  And I'm fine with that.  It makes my decision much more easier to pursue.  I could have been anyone else, and it wouldn't make a difference.

I think I'm only there to help those who really need it... I don't know why I don't like it when they become happy... maybe I'm too selfish and I want people to only be happy because I make them happy. And that's not what a friend should do.  So I congratulate her for graduating from our friendship.  She can move on now.  She doesn't need me.  She doesn't need me anymore because I'm selfish, and of course, she doesn't give a fuck about me. What was I thinking.. being special.  I'm not fucking special.  She probably talks to hundreds of other guys besides me.  I'm deceiving myself, and I'm fucking stupid.

You know what's even worse?  If I continue what I do now, I'll fucking cause drama.  Who the hell wants online drama when your real life is fun and better than ever.  No one.  Who the fuck would want stress in something that one thinks is not really real besides me. So what the fuck am I doing.  I'm holding her back because I'm being fucking stupid. She can't move forward with me as a friend anyways... she's moved up already.  This isn't good for the both of us.  It really isn't... or maybe just for me.  This isn't good for me.  Holy fucking shit what the fuck have I been doing, and what the fuck did I get myself into.

I REALLY REALLY HOPE my feelings will change tomorrow morning and I'd ask myself for forgiveness. And I usually do forgive myself.  And hopefully I trained my brain to subconsciously prepare for itself to be consistent with being what I want it to be.  Just hopefully the external forces stay consistent as well... but sometimes, I don't mind it being messed up.  I can deal with it, and I know how to get what I want.

Anyways, if she doesn't give a fuck, she doesn't give a fuck.  At least she's not faking any interest, and that she genuinely doesn't care, so of course if you're very very honest in that you don't care, you won't really care, right?  Not like I like talking about myself anyways, so in the future it would be a win win situation... but it wouldn't hurt to actually show some appreciation or at least show a little sign that you at least kind of care about what's going on in my life.  But it's all good.

Anyways, back to watching more Daria.