so long.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a total mess.

I like her because of her values and virtues, though I don't know all of it.  What she says, her wants, are like mine.  I value trust, I don't like hypocrites, and I want people to talk to me.  However, she's missing the understanding, or I'm just paranoid.

I'm glad to know that there are other people like me, though probably I am actually not like her at all.  I would really like to meet her in real life, however, I'm confident that things will be different.  I may not like her, and she may not like me.  Therefore, no more online relationships for me unless I meet someone who lives really close by.

In the back of my mind, I listen to everyone.  Long distance relationships don't work.  It's unpractical to do what I do.  At the same time, I'm trying to be practical, but I still have doubts.  I should just ask to clear the doubts up, but first I have to trust.  People are complicated and everyone else is.

Its not screwing my mind that much.  It has helped me think of what I really want.  I ONLY care about myself, and that's the truth.  I like to settle things off, and end things nicely with what I want them to know and learn.  And therefore, I ONLY care about MYSELF.  I wish this weren't true, but it is.  I shouldn't be desperate, its unattractive and only brings the world down.

I feel like I can't trust her anymore anyways.  She's only being my friend for the sake of her not losing any more friends.  I'll ask her that. For the past few days or weeks, she hasn't said anything appreciative, or even a simple thank you.  I'll ask.

I have another thought.  Maybe I'm a hypocrite because I'm pushing my thoughts into thinking what SHE would like.  And the thoughts I have previously before conflicts with it, causing me to say one thing, and saying another thing totally contradicting it.  My previous thought, and the thought that SHE would like.  The only cure:  not love her.  Be myself by having my own previous thoughts.  And then there's another thought.  I'm saying things to not make her angry.  To make her feel good.  And saying something contradicting affects it.  I hope she tells me when I'm being hypocritical though. But do I really care about it?  I feel okay afterward unless it makes US awkward.  And usually it does, so therefore I care about it. Basically, I think all along I've just been trying to impress her.

I don't know what I'll be so I shouldn't predict?  Wise words of uncle Rich:

"We all have a choice, but we cannot choose the consequences of our choice.....so choose wisely"

Lets make it really basic, in the big picture, without any whys:

-I want people to like me

-I want to be BETTER than the guys I don't like

-I want to get married to her

And WITH whys, I start doubting myself.

Oh shit fuck this shit, I'm vacuuming the house.

And dammit I should finish my thoughts but It'll take forever. Fuck fuck fuck, no wonder I fail. But that's assuming that's the reason.  Shit, she's making me do shit that I shouldn't even think of.