...

I had a lot of thoughts while in the shower but I lost them all.  Maybe it was in the little dots of water, and the towel wiped them away.

Shit.

I need to wait a bit more anyways, before I write the email.

I opened my eyes, and what the fuck is this goodbye shit.

My definition of friendship is different.  Support for each other forever.  You don't cut ties in my book.  If you genuinely cared, you would reunite.  If I am a bother, you tell me.  If you need space, you tell me.  If my words hurt, you should know that I didn't mean it. Fuck, I'll start my letter here.

Obviously she doesn't care, so it has to be me, because I'm the one who cares.

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I'm sorry for being such an assumer, but  being an assumer like that has inspired thoughts, and now I'm believing in these thoughts to who you might really be. These are my thoughts of you as of now.  As an assumer. Since I can't reach you any where else.

You must be pretty proud of yourself, having the ability to cut ties with people you used to care about so fast.

You taught me to talk. If you don't like my character, just say it. I know you don't talk to bitches, but I still think you need to tell us straight out.  I think you know me more than you think, and you should know that I'll never hate you.  I'm assuming again, that you don't, and you probably don't, so just tell me, like what I tell you.

You taught me that we attach ourselves to people who make us feel good about ourselves.  What have I've done to you to make you feel bad? I'm thinking that its because I put you through so much shit. I promise it wasn't intentional. Though, shouldn't you feel good that you helped someone so much in character development? Or do you think you developed me into a person you don't like?  You probably did inspire it, but I'm also taking part in it. Please don't feel guilty.

You taught me trust.  And to try to not lie.  I exposed my vulnerability, and it took a lot of courage, and it hurt me so much, and that's what I did.  I did not expect the response that you would really say goodbye. I did this because you asked what shit I was going through, and I felt that I can open up to you more, and not be afraid of talking to you after I said it. (Though now after I said it I'm even more afraid to talk to you). I didn't say everything because I couldn't think of everything and all what I've felt.  I think of words as only carriers of feelings and not the feelings itself. Maybe the transcription went wrong,  because a single random thought destined to invoke a negative aura fished out in a sea of relatively positive thoughts became a word so fast.

You taught me that relationships take work, and this is the heartfelt work that I'm doing to repair a friendship. Friends should at least be within reach of each other.

I probably don't love you.  But I don't want to leave any unfinished shit between us before we part.  And what is this goodbye shit, that doesn't happen, there are always a few scars in goodbye, if there is a goodbye, there will always be a hello. Honestly, before that time, I didn't think you would really accept the goodbye. If it was real life, I would've grabbed your hand and kissed you, nooo don't go! *shakes head back to reality* Damn imagination.

I'm not this desperate and clingy, I just don't like unfinished shit. I just feel that its unfinished.  Sorry for feeling that way. But I'm talking to you about it right now, like you asked me.

You are probably going through shit right now, I want to help you, please don't ignore me, sorry for trying to be a genuine friend.

Please open up your blog to me again, I promise not to hurt you and put you through shit again.

Yours sincerely,

Jason

ps you might get more than 1 email, just in case I think you blocked biospark777@gmail.com

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I don't like what I'm saying. I have to polish it a bit. If I were her, and I read this, it wouldn't make me happy.  I wonder if I should add some comedy in it to tune the seriousness down.  But it'll lose its overall affect.  But what if she laughs.  I don't really know her humor much.  Perverted humor, everyone laughs at perverted humor... but what if she thinks I'm just creepy, gah.  "I hope you find the gspot in your heart to forgive me." I crack myself up.

Objective, get her within my reach. I need her, I want to care for her.

I'll give it a month or so before I send it.