I'm not crying.

Two times I fell, other two times I was just stupid.

This is the second, and maybe the last.  I'll bury my heart deep down in the tides of fate, and only those really willing to venture down to embrace it will win it. It'll be so deep.

She wanted me to talk, and she actually severed ties right after I talked.

"Thanks for being my friend.  Good luck in the future."

She's not mad at me.  But she did leave, and she cut communications.  I don't know what to call it.  I know she didn't love me the way I love her.  If she confessed back to me, I don't know if I should accept it anymore because of my stupid pride. Is my pride that important?  It's not, so I should just accept it, because I still love her.

I don't know why I'm not crying.  Maybe its because we've been apart for awhile, and now that we finally talked after so long, she did something about our relationship.  At least she did something, and not nothing.  Maybe doing nothing would've been better.  She'd still be on my Windows Live list, and I can stare at her name. We've been through so much together, and I gave her so much.

Disadvantages for this relationship:  It might not end well, I'll waste months while I can be studying or catching up on anime or dramas or video games or whatever, I'll keep getting hurt, I'll lose faith on love, it'll be a long distance relationship, when I fall for someone I fall really hard and it hurts.

Advantages:  Pushing myself to become a better person, I'll be so happy if we're together.

Her:  I fucking trust her to death, I love her to death, she doesn't love me.

What if she really did like me back, but just didn't say it?
What does she really feel for me?
What do I mean to her?

She said she only thinks of me as a friend. Is that all?  It doesn't feel like it.  Women are so complicated.

She's not so angry at me.  She never called me a creep.  She never called me a jerk. She just got mad at random things that randomly make her mad, like stupid people, or just annoying people.  She said she's okay with me loving her, but its torture for me. She said I've put her through shit, I wonder how? She said to be the perfect friend.  She said that unfortunately we can't control who we love.

Can't control who we love... hmm.

I'm fucking clueless.

I really don't know what to do. I'm just sitting down here, waiting and shit.

But even after all this, I feel that I've become much stronger.  I look at my past entries, and dayum, what the hell happened. I'm so glad it was her I fell for, and nobody else.

1: Taught me to rethink of my feelings before I do destructing shit. (requited)
2: Taught me to not be angry, and think. (unrequited)
3. Taught me to wait, and that I can love people really quick and easily, and to not be jealous. (unrequited)
4. Taught me to talk, courage, and be honest. (unrequited)  - And there was just so much more. Who ever thought, that I'd love someone fat?  I did things I never thought I'd do.  I gave away so much.  I risked so much, including my pride, I showed my vulnerable sides, I cried every night, I thought of her possibly each minute, fate even pointed me at her direction.  She was just so perfect, and it felt like we were meant to be together.  We just couldn't connect. I'm not comfortable when I talk to her. I found out so much about myself, how I do shit on impulse so often, and it ended in impulse.

"So is this goodbye?" Yup.

What the fuck did I just say?  YUP?!?! Holy fucking shit, I'm fucking unbelievable.

I always went for the complicated girls.  But they are strong nevertheless.  Do relationships end like this too?  I feel so much love for her in every atom on my body. And its ending like this?  Do I have to move on?  It's really over?  There's just so much things that can just happen in this world, because miracles happen.  But there's also reality... but also there are miracles in reality... fuck I need to talk to someone... someone willing to listen to this shit, and me not being degraded in doing so.  This fucking sucks.  I can't say shit because I have no experience in talking. Fuck fuck fuck.

I'll say that... life isn't about love. Maybe it won't hurt so much.