what I was before.

I think I was a better person before. The more I think of it, the more I believe in it.  I guess I am a hypocrite, but its not what I say that matters, its always what I actually DO that matters. And I think I do good.  I don't hurt anyone (I hope!) and I don't feel bad afterwords.  So I guess being a hypocrite is okay.  I manage to fix problems.

Loving her has changed my attitude.  She made me really weak.  One mistake, one time making her angry, and she'd kill me.  So I was always very careful.  I knew what she really did not like, and I did my best to avoid it.  But it backfired.  Just one negative thought spawning from my brain, made me have to release it and tell her.  I know we're not perfect, and I know she's not expecting perfection, so I had to give my bad side away so easily.  Actually, maybe I am perfect, but I do make mistakes, though I think perfection is still being able to mend those mistakes. Anyways, saying bad stuff made me look all bad.  I should learn to just calm down.

I can truly say that I loved her.  She was my type.  100% my type. But I have to let her go.  If I said I was truly her friend, I wouldn't mind her rejecting me.  I would just talk to her.  If I loved her so much, I would have visited her already.

She liked who I was before.  It's a fact, she treated me much better back then.  When I didn't share my thoughts.  She'll never believe me now... but I'll keep talking to her.  We're friends, right?  There are so much things I wanted to know, and I want to know where exactly I made my mistakes, and I did assume the worse.

I want to know the truth, and it starts with asking her.

"How long have you been with your boyfriend?  How did you meet?  How does he treat you?  I don't want to assume anything anymore."

After that, I'll be happy.  I really hope we can become really good friends.  I'll never confess to her.  I'll tell her about the girls I see.  I'll tell her that I'm dating blah blah blah.  I'll tell her everything about me.  I know I'm a good person already, she doesn't need to make me better.  I know what to do, and I just didn't because loving her screwed me up.  All along, I know that I'm honest and genuine... except that I kept assuming and I didn't talk.

I just know that I'm a better person than her.  From a sky view, she only has a few friends, and a true friend she needs to have to survive.  I'd feel uncomfortable if I had a really close friend.  She hates her family, I love my family.  She's not really doing anything, she's just sitting.  I'm going to school.  She helps people who she wants to help.  I help anyone who asks.  She gets really angry.  I think people who get angry are pathetic.  She gets annoyed easily.  I don't mind being annoyed. She's influencing my thinking.  Not anymore, I don't think I want to like her that way.

All I want to do though, is to go back to the way things once were. I know we'll part, but I want her memory of me to be like what I was before, before I loved her.