Me and my friend hunted Lyka for the horns. We killed three. One horn for her, none for me. If it was her, we would've kept searching until I got one.
Its weird. When I'm in bed, I feel so helpless. I feel so lovesick, and I miss and love her the most when I'm in bed. But when I'm awake, now for instance, the middle of the day or when everyone is up, I feel so powerful. I can't cry that she isn't here with me. When I get reminded of her, I start feeling sentimental, but that's natural. I don't think I should love her anymore. I'm stronger than this. I guess I just miss having fantasies of me and her in the future. Being married, enjoying life. Getting into trouble, solving the trouble. Her saying that I'm better than all the guys she has met... which I'm confidant, that I AM better than most guys (though results don't prove it... so I fail yet again). I know I love her so much, but knowing that she's so far away hurts. Knowing that I can't make her happy hurts.
I read this Xanga post yesterday. Basically, it explained how history led up to how guys get jealous so easily of their woman physically contacting another guy, and how girls get so jealous if their man is connecting with another woman emotionally. I find it so true. She got really mad at me when I hang out with another girl friend instead of her, while she was present at the scene. I got paranoid and jealous for her staying with a boy friend overnight. It also probably explains the reason why guys, or just me, get so worried if the girl isn't a virgin. I don't want any other guy with my woman. For now, I like that reason. I didn't want to feel like a bad person, not being able to commit, and not being able to trust her at the same time. And that gives me something to work with. I have to get over those fears. Talk it out, be with her the most that I can. I can only do that with girls close to me, within the area. Also, it probably explains why long distance relationships don't work as well as short distance.
http://roxics.xanga.com/itemthemed.aspx?user=roxics&uid=720037460
I'm not afraid of commitment anymore. I actually want to commit myself. Everything just started to make sense. I commited myself before I fell in love with her. Naturally, guys can't commit themselves into relationships, but I overcame it. I'm ready. Except, I can't get into the relationship.
If I really love her, I would be smart and live near her. I would talk to my cousin who lives 30 minutes away from her, and live with him. I'll go to school nearby, maybe CSU Fullerton. Though, I'm still having doubts so I'm not. She herself was a fantasy. I never really met her. But I do believe I knew enough to pick out to which kind of person she would have been like, though I shouldn't do that. Maybe I liked her because I got so closed to her, that it would be a waste of an investment if things just ended. Maybe. I liked her out as a whole though. She was determined to get things done. She got mad so easily (I found that cute, I could make fun of her for that), she talks a lot, she tells me stuff straight out, she's smart in things I'm not smart at, she likes things I like, we have a similar past, I just know I could make her happy if we met.... oh shit, I should stop before I miss her. Okay, I think I'll try talking to her again. I really truly love her!
In conclusion, fuck all this shit. I love her, and it makes me happy.
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