It was a coincidence...

I think its a coincidence now.  From what I gathered:

-She only likes and favorites videos on YouTube and she doesn't check her comment page.  Her old "About Me" is still there, and it looks as if she doesn't comment other people's pages.

-She recently added me to her ignored list on Gaia after she read my messages... I don't get it.

-But she started blogging again and deleted that one post right after I posted that YouTube comment.  But then again, it really doesn't look like she's tracking whoever is viewing her blog.   Maybe she just deleted it because she wasn't feeling that other guy anymore, or something happened between them.  Whatever it was though, it has to be a LoL guy, and from stalking her games she hasn't been playing with any of the people she usaually does in a constant basis anymore.

It's really difficult... why can't she just talk to me.  Oh yeah, she's a bad friend.

I really need to learn how to get rid of ideas.  Maybe the ideal kind of love I want really isn't ideal.  Maybe it's just meant to happen without anything that I always looked for.

Anyways, I'm going to get mad at her after the first week of July, if we don't make any contact by then.  May and June should be spent on research... (aka, reading Shingeki no Kyojin, specifically looking into Mikasa, and playing LoL, and perhaps reading more Psychology books, and studying her old blog and stuff).

So difficult too, because of her unconscious.  Why did she decide to fall in the hands of the White Guy?  It just doesn't match her ideal self.  Maybe that physicality really is a basic need, just like food.  I don't think she resists food so she doesn't resist guys like that I guess.  Sigh.  Everything is just so complicated.

From what she shows though, it really looks like she wants to just get away from me... but it's making me feel so sad and mad at the same time, because I really invested in her, put my time on her, and I was happy too... I'm never happy, but she made me happy.  I really want to show how much I hate her... but did I ever show how much I loved her?  I don't know anymore.  It's been so long.. and what if she hasn't been receiving how I've been trying to talk to her once every two weeks?

What if she sees that I just given up back then, and she never saw me try hard to become her friend again and that she's been over it for so long...

This really really... is pathetic of me.

I hope I die somehow tomorrow.

Well, I have to sleep now.  What an unproductive day.  I mean, week.  Er, month.  Or year... or life.  What an unproductive life.

I hope I die in my sleep.

I feel that I don't deserve being hurt and heartbroken so consecutively, and at the same time I feel that I don't deserve to be happy either...

I really do think that I'm better off dead.

So yeah, please pray that I die in my sleep.

... and it's not like she was ever interested in me in the first place.